


Love Looks Not With The Eyes

by Ariadne (Ariadnem), malec_hun (orsoly_writes)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec is grumpy and cold and bitter, Alternate Universe - Human, Architect Alec, Artist!Magnus, Blind!Alec, Blindness, Brownstone house, Collaboration, Coming back to life, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, I wrote this with a friend, It will take time..., Lightwoods are rich, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Build, Slow Burn, old habits die hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-05-13 11:19:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 207,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14747847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ariadnem/pseuds/Ariadne, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orsoly_writes/pseuds/malec_hun
Summary: Magnus is a smart guy living in New York and working hard to finish his studies. Right now, he’s applying for a Doctorate position at NYU and is looking for the means to pay for his studies. He can’t find a job that can pay enough to make ends meet and pay for his studies and he is struggling.After a terrible accident, the Lightwoods have started looking for someone to employ and Magnus might just be the person they need.





	1. Into the Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> This is our first collaboration work together. I (Orsi - malec_hun) came up with an idea and told Ari (Ariadnem) and we just couldn’t stop talking about it, telling each other ideas, brainstorming, coming up with dialogues, finishing each other’s sentences. So we started taking notes and writing the concept and here comes the first chapter.  
> If you want to live tweet you can use #LLNWTE hashtag or just yell at us, [Tweet to @malec_hun](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?screen_name=malec_hun&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw) and [Tweet to @margeari](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?screen_name=margeari&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)  
> Even though we’ve tried to have it as clean as possible, all the grammar mistakes are ours and ours only.  
> Enjoy!  
> Love and kisses,  
> Orsi and Ari

 

 

_“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;_

_And therefore is wing’d Cupid painted blind.”_

_[William Shakespeare - A Midsummer Night’s Dream]_

 

* * *

 

**Three years earlier**

They were on their way back to New York. Alec was sitting in the passenger seat of the BMW his dad, Robert was driving, and his little brother, Max was sitting in the backseat. They had been away on a game of the NBA’s Knicks. They hadn’t missed any game of the season and all of them were very glad that their favorite team was leading the scoreboard. Max was giggling when Alec imitated how the Boston team missed the last shot allowing the Knicks to win.

“The next one is in New York, isn’t it?” Robert asked them. Max giggled in the back, still excited for the game. He was hitting the front passenger seat telling Alec about how the players had dribbled and the points their team had scored.

“Max has the schedule book, gimme!” Alec stretched his hand to the back toward his little brother.

“I’ll look it up,” Max leaned back in his seat, pulling his hands away, so Alec couldn’t reach it.

“Max, give it to me! You just started school, you can’t read!” Alec said and his father started laughing.

“I can read if it’s New York or not,” he protested.

“Maxie, listen to your big brother,” Robert said between laughs but Max didn’t obey his elders. At his young age, he was used to getting away with what he wanted and being in the car with his father and favorite brother didn’t make any difference.

Alec unfastened his seatbelt and kneeled on the seat, bending forward between the seats to get the book from his little brother who protested, pouting and crossing his arms over his chest.

“Finally,” Alec let out as he got the book from Max and sat back in his seat.

“So?” Robert asked, looking at Alec who opened the book and started going through its pages looking for the information they needed.

“Against the Lakers,” Alec said. “In New Yo━”

“Dad, watch out!” Max shouted from behind, Alec lifted his head up immediately, seeing a dog on the road.

“Fuck!” Robert cursed and slipped the steering wheel, maneuvering the car to the other side of the road. The car avoided the dog, but it skidded further.

Alec tried to grab the handle on the door but the next moment he only saw bright headlights, too close to them, before the loud crash and then everything went black as Robert lost control of the car. Alec only felt his body being lifted but he couldn’t feel any pressure. He felt light as if it someone else were carrying him; he felt imponderable, and then he felt pain in his shoulders then he was weightlessness again.

The next moment, he only felt the cold asphalt against his back, warmth around his neck, and pain all over his body. He tried to open his eyes. He could even feel that he was blinking, but his senses probably gave up because he couldn’t see anything. It was all blurry and it hurt. It hurt so Goddamn much. So he gave up on opening his eyes.

“Dad? Max?” He breathed out between coughs just before drifting away.

 

***

 

**Nowadays**

 

“What are you doing here, Magnus?” Catarina yelled as she walked to Magnus’ table in his favorite coffee shop. “I thought you had work today,” she dropped herself across the table from Magnus.

Magnus Bane, artist extraordinaire, still hadn’t figured out how to go about life. He knew what he wanted, he wouldn’t have anyone to get him wrong, but his desires kept him away at night creating while life crushed him mercilessly during the day. An orphan, raised by Luke Garroway, a former NYPD detective, he was determined to fulfill his dreams at any cost. He’d worked hard and had managed to finish High School; he´d even been named the valedictorian, which had taken him through university and to his degree in Fine Arts and his masters. It was something that came to him naturally, being around creative people, being able to create himself. He still hadn’t decided what he loved most if working with clay and making sculptures or just being in front of a canvas and getting lost in a world of oil painting and colors.

Now he could only think about entering the Ph.D. program NYU was offering in the next fall. That would happen, of course, if only he could manage to have enough money. His savings were running low and he couldn’t go to Luke about it. His dad, and he only called him that when he was emotional, would always be there for him and he knew it, he just didn’t want to be a burden, much less now, when Luke had been going on and on about retiring. The job wasn’t easy, he’d told Magnus, and he was getting tired of the bureaucracy and the hassle.

Magnus just couldn’t burden him further.

Getting a job had also proven difficult for him. Either he had to work at schools, and he really didn’t have enough patience to do so, or he had to take on any kind of job that came up. Bless Catarina, his best friend, who would always send something his way. This time though, things just didn’t cut it, even if he really needed the job.

“McDonald's’ is not my thing, Cat,” Magnus said without looking at his best friend.

“Don’t tell me that you quit again!” Catarina raised her voice. “Magnus?!”

Magnus sighed deeply and shut his laptop closed. “Have you seen their uniforms?” He said, making a face. “I’m pretty sure I’ll smell like cheeseburger and fries for the rest of my life, that thing can’t come out of you easily,” he proclaimed, lifting his arm to his nose. “I’m not even joking Cat, that foul smell has soaked in under my skin!” He added and the woman started laughing.

“So you have to find a job again,” Catarina said and stood up, taking the seat next to Magnus. She opened his MacBook Air and started scrolling the advertising page Magnus had been reading before, while he just watched the screen as well.

“Babysitter?” Catarina asked, looking at him.

“That would be my dream job. I could study or draw while the kids are sleeping,” Magnus answered without looking at Catarina, eyes still locked on the screen; “but everybody wants a female babysitter,” Magnus pointed at the screen with his index, when Catarina turned back.

“Mannies are the thing now, my friend. You can do that, keep studying and finally get that desired Ph.D. of yours. Why is it that you don’t want to work at the University, again? Please remind me, because I honestly don’t know what’s gotten into you.” Magnus gave her a look that made her go back and look at the screen. “How about this?” She said and continued scrolling, “bike deliverer?”

“Nope,” Magnus said, popping the p at the end, crossing his arms, resting them on the table, leaning his forehead on them. He felt so lost, he really needed to find a job.

“I didn’t get the job at the University because I couldn’t hand in all the paperwork on time. I’d been busy, working at that art gallery with Raph, remember? And I lost track of time and I do own my own apartment and well...too many expenses, too little income and here we are…” he trailed off not wanting to look at her.

“How about this one?” Catarina asked after a while.

“Burger King is not better than McDonald’s, Cat” Magnus groaned without moving. He didn’t want to look at her and face that, perhaps, his life choices were a mistake after another and at his age, he didn’t want an early middle-age crisis.

“Do you want a job or not?” Catarina shook his shoulder, making him lift his head and look at her; “but it’s not at a fast food restaurant, and it actually pays pretty well,” she said, eyes on the screen.

Magnus straightened his body, leaning towards Catarina, looking at the screen as she clicked on the job description.

“It does pay pretty well… Upper East Side?” Magnus started reading.

“Well, according to this, that’s not the exact location, that’s the governor’s location,” Catarina explained.

“Caretaker?” Magnus frowned.

“Yup, taking care of a man with a disability,” Catarina said. “It says here that it’s more like being a companion to him, reading the news for him, taking him for a walk,” she continued, her fingers pressed on the screen.

“What kind of disability? Does it say?” Magnus asked.

“It doesn’t,” she answered truthfully.

“Who is the person?” Magnus kept asking.

“It doesn’t say either,” Catarina said. “Magnus, this is perfect for you. You are the best company in the world! You just have to be you, and they are paying you for it,” Catarina turned her whole body to him with, forcing him to look at her.

“Ya’ think?” Magnus arched a brow and went back to look at the screen, taking note of the phone number. A New York number all right. Upper East Side was a posh burrow in the city and they must be loaded if they were looking for a caretaker.

“Yeah,” she said and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before opening them and starting talking again. “You have to give it a try! You can’t be too picky about this right now and you can find online courses or whatever to learn about being a caretaker. You’re not spending any money on stuff, whatever your biological mother left you, you bought your loft with it and you’ve depleted your savings, I might add, so, take a leap of faith and go for it. If it comes to bite you in the ass, well, you can always quit and you can always try to find work at some junk food restaurant.”

“I guess you’re right,” Magnus said and slid the laptop in front of him to read the job description once again. He moved the cursor on the application button. His finger was hovering over the touchpad for a couple of seconds before hitting it. “They won’t pick me up anyway,” he added and shut his laptop down.

“Here’s to some hope,” Catarina said lifting his mug and drinking from his coffee. He chuckled and took a sip from it too before they both started laughing.  “Now, show me what you’ve been working on lately.”

 

 

***

 

 

Magnus didn’t expect to get a call from a woman, one whose name he didn’t really remember because he had been on the subway and he’d barely heard what she had told him. He asked her to text him all the information while he apologized because he couldn’t speak.

After he received the message with the details he needed, he realized that it was a serious thing and he was more than happy when he was informed that he had been chosen for an interview for the caretaker job. Magnus almost did a victory dance.

He had to rearrange a few personal things in the very last minute, so he could go to the interview at the next day but he did it anyway. He was excited. It was true that he didn’t have any experience but he was hopeful that it was going to be a good thing for him. He thought for a second that the whole thing was probably very urgent as they wanted to see him soon. That made Magnus quiet anxious as well. He still didn’t know what kind of disability the man had or what kind of requirements the family had.

Now, he was standing in front of a only-God-knew-how-many-floor building, his head looking up as he tried to count them but gave up after passing about 30. Central Park was behind him, and it was as noisy as usual at that time of the day. Every voice and sound was coming at him at once and without disruption. He was brought back to reality by the honks of cars in the middle of the busy traffic on the road.

Magnus took a deep breath and started walking to the entrance. He was startled when the doorman opened the door for him—this wasn’t just a regular family he was dealing with, he was sure—. Magnus only nodded and returned the old man’s smile.

He walked to the reception desk, where two young blonde women were sitting behind the tall, wide counter. They smiled politely when Magnus stood in front of them.

“How can I help you, sir?” One of them asked and tilted her head.

“I am here to see the Lightwoods,” Magnus answered smiling back at her.

“Magnus Bane?” The other woman asked, moving in her seat.

“That’s me,” Magnus nodded and put his hands on the counter, intertwining his own fingers.

“Of course, Mr. Bane, Mrs. Lightwood is waiting for you,” the second woman informed him with a kind smile on her face. “The elevators are that way,” she gestured to the left with her hand and Magnus looked that way automatically.

“Thank you,” he said when he turned back, then started walking to the elevators.

He fished his iPhone out of his pocket as he stood before the elevator, he called for it and checked the text message for the one hundred and seventy-sixth time to make sure he was in the right place. He still couldn’t believe that this was actually happening. He had enough money to survive for a month, perhaps two if he stretched it enough. Now, he only needed to do his best and impress his potential employers.

“Good morning, sir, to which floor?” The bellboy asked.

“Forty-first,” Magnus answered, “thank you,” he added when the man pushed the button and the elevator door closed. Magnus was impressed. The building, the employees, the elevator itself, it all spoke of wealth and privilege. He wondered as they made their way up whether the Lightwoods were one of those rich families of New York who kept the money because of inheritance or if they were the kind of people who work hard and taught their children to work harder.

The elevator binged loud and opened into a big, bright penthouse and woman was already there waiting for him. She was wearing a pink maid uniform, her brunette hair was perfectly braided, and a formal smile appeared on her face.

“Mr. Bane,” she said and gestured with her hand for him to follow her.

Once he took a better look, the penthouse seemed ridiculously rich, snob… every furniture spoke of how the owners were loaded as hell. Whatever he had been thinking before was confirmed and now he was intrigued as to why this kind of family was looking for a caretaker. Magnus didn’t even dare look around, he was afraid he was going to break an expensive vase by only looking at it and he was already feeling his maxed-out credit card melting in his wallet just from thinking he had to pay for the damage. He felt pathetic.

“You may take a seat,” the maid stopped at a wide living room, gesturing with her hands, and then she hooked them in front of her stomach, “Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood will be here soon,” she added.

“Thank you,” Magnus said, nervously looking around to find a place where to seat. He decided to sit on the couch closest to the entrance.

“May I offer you anything to drink? Tea? Coffee? Water?” She asked but Magnus didn’t have time to answer, he heard footsteps and the harmonious clicking of high heels on the granite floor.

A woman in her mid-forties and a man appeared in the living room, stopping next to the maid. She was wearing a beige costume with a white blouse under it, her dark brunette hair was up in a ponytail. The gray-haired man was wearing a simple suit, with a light blue shirt and a dark tie.

Magnus stood up from the couch immediately to greet them.

“Mr. Bane, welcome. I’m happy you could make it,” the woman said and started walking toward Magnus. She was already trailing her gaze on Magnus from head to toe, which really didn’t make Magnus uncomfortable. He was already used to having people always checking him because of his extreme outfit. He was proud of his style because it belonged to him, to his personality. This was Magnus Bane and if somebody wanted to accept him then he or she would have to accept him along with his jewelry, hairstyle, tight pants and unbuttoned shirt. Well, this time he only undid three buttons, so he was quite low-key with his outfit today. Even his hair was slightly tamed, he had just half spiked it and had avoided going for his beloved mohawk.

“I’m Maryse Lightwood,” she held her hand out and Magnus accepted it. Her handshake was firm for a woman, he noticed. “This is my husband, Robert,” she stepped aside and the man was already in front of Magnus.

Robert just nodded and went to sit in one of the armchairs after their introductions. Magnus thought the man was too snob to even say hello to him but he didn’t want to judge, hence, he nodded and gave him a small smile. Rich people could have their own problems, like in which pocket they should put their money for all he cared and right now, he didn’t want to care.

Magnus kicked himself mentally, he shouldn’t be like this. He was never like this. He was never jealous or petty because some people had money. They had probably actually earned it with decent work, like owning a fast food restaurant chain.

“Mr. Bane, a cup of tea? Coffee?” Maryse asked when she noticed the maid hadn’t brought him anything yet—not that she knew he hadn’t had a chance to tell the maid what he’d have—and took a seat on the other armchair next to her husband, taking folders from the coffee table, placing them on her lap.

“Water would be great, thank you,” Magnus answered, glancing at the maid, who only nodded and turned on her heels, leaving the place.

Maryse gestured to the couch so Magnus sat back, his gaze was pacing back and forth between the Lightwoods while he was wringing his hands. She opened the top folder on her lap and sighed.

“Mr. Bane,” Maryse started talking. “I’ve checked your CV, I didn’t see any mention of experience taking care of someone,” she said without looking at Magnus. “In your opinion, what makes you the right person for this job?” she asked.

Magnus cleared his throat, “Well, it is true that I haven’t done anything like this before, but I’m sure I can handle it,” Magnus explained, and Maryse’s eyes were on him immediately without lifting her head. “I mean, I’ve done so many things since I was a teenager and all I’ve ever achieved was because of my hard work, and I can assure that I’m going to do my best to take care of your relative,” Magnus stopped, waiting for an answer from the people who were sitting in front of him. “People say that I’m a good person and that I can be a great companion. I think I have a wide range of knowledge of many topics, from books to movies, to politics, to celebrities... I think of myself as an intellectual. I love talking to people. My friends would say that I’m mostly chatty but it’s because I could talk about pretty much everything,” Magnus stopped when he realized that he had already said too much.

“Hum…” Maryse looked back down on the folder when the maid was back with their drinks. She put the tray on the coffee table and placed two cups of coffee in front of the Lightwoods, a crystal glass and a bottle of Evian in front of Magnus.

“Shall I?” She addressed Magnus and asked pointing at the bottle.

“Yes, please,” he answered so the maid opened the bottle of water and filled the glass. Magnus was thankful for the offer and had simply accepted. He didn’t want to be the one person who got an expensive rug soaked wet with equally expensive water.

Magnus took a sip while the woman picked up the tray and left the place in careful silence. He wondered if the reason why Mrs. Lightwood hadn’t said anything was because he was expected to be silent at all times, saying just what was needed and nodding and obeying whenever the bosses were around.

“So Mr. Bane, you think you can _entertain_ a man with a disability on a daily basis,” Maryse asked him, her voice was serious and Magnus kept his smile on his face.

“Sure I can, Mrs. Lightwood,” Magnus said in a serious tone,  “but, if I may, what kind of disability are we talking about?”

“Well, I think this is the moment for us to talk about our son,” Maryse said, looking at her husband who only nodded. Magnus could tell she was sad, and it was a deep feeling weighing on her. He noticed the change in demeanor in Mr. Lightwood as well and the curiosity just grew.

“Your son?” Magnus asked. He could tell his voice reflected his surprise.

“Yes, do you have a problem with that?” Robert asked, that was the first time Magnus heard his voice and he could tell the man was being defensive. Magnus moved in his chair still looking at the man and nodded, trying to process all the information they were throwing at him not only with their words but with their behavior. While Maryse was curious about how good he could be taking care of their son, and for all he knew the son could be five, Robert was in protective mode and he wondered why. He guessed he’d found out once he got the job.

“No, I’m sorry, I just thought I’ll have to take care of one of your parents… I’m sorry, I don’t know why I thought that, my apologies.” Magnus said.

“It’s okay, Mr. Bane,” Maryse waved him away. “So, hum… Alec, our son. He is twenty-eight years old, and suffered a significant flexion compression injury of the cervical spine which led to cortical blindness three years ago.” Maryse said seriously. Magnus must have given her quizzical look because she went on explaining; “Alec is blind, Mr. Bane, which is why we need a person to help look after him.”

“I am so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood,” Magnus said honestly. He couldn’t begin to imagine what it would be like to lose your eyesight and as an artist, to think of the impact and the hurt the man could’ve gone through was unfathomable.

“Well, it could’ve been worse…” Maryse took a deep sigh. “He had a car accident, he flew through the windshield and landed more than a hundred feet away from my husband’s car,” Maryse said and reached her hand out to her husband who took and squeezed it. “He hit his cervical spine and the pressure stopped his blood from flowing through his occipital lobe rendering cortically blind. His visual cortex suffered the most and he lost his eyesight.”

“Oh my God,” Magnus said under his nose and he was hundred percent sure that his face showed his pure shock, looking at Robert. “Were you dri━” Magnus couldn’t finish his sentence, he felt a lump in his throat, which didn’t let him speak but the older man understood Magnus’ unspoken question and nodded.

Magnus was speechless. He was there to show how good he was with words but hearing about something terrible like that... But who could have words to comment that kind of awful story? He felt the urge to stand up and walk to them and hug these parents. He couldn’t even imagine how terrible they could have felt when the accident happened. What the whole family must’ve gotten through.

Maryse cleared his throat, fidgeting in the armchair and Magnus realized that he was staring out of his head, a burning hole into the mahogany in front of him with his eyes.

“Alec is quite capable of taking care of himself. His house has been equipped in a way that he can do pretty much everything on his own. What we want is a person that can keep him busy and entertained, as in talking about things, keeping interested in life, if you know what I mean,” Maryse continued and Magnus wondered whether this son of hers had lost all will to live and was on a suicidal mode. That might be a reason for them to be looking for someone.

“Is he under medication?” He asked. “I mean, apart from his blindness, is there anything I’d need to know?”

“No, Mr. Bane. Thank God our son is not so deep in a depression. We’ve tried for the past three years to get him to go on in the best way he can, but he’s lost so much, that it’s like he is eternally sad and incredibly bitter.”

“I see,” Magnus lowered his head and took the glass of water to drink from it.

“Mr. Bane, if I may...I know this isn’t politically correct and I’d never dream of asking you this under other circumstances, but what is your sexual preference?” Magnus choked on his water as Maryse Lightwood finished her question and he coughed. That wasn’t the type of question one found in a job interview.

“Excuse me?” He said and he noticed the look between husband and wife.

“Your sexual orientation? Are you straight? Gay?” She repeated and Magnus could almost feel how uncomfortable that topic was for her, who didn’t have a strand of hair out of place.

“You can say I’m a freewheeling bisexual man, ma’am,” he answered honestly and he saw them nod at each other and the faint smile on Maryse Lightwood’s face. Why he wondered. And why for Heaven’s sake was his sexuality important? Why would they be wondering about his sexuality? Was it his choice of clothes? Or the streaks of color in his hair? He wanted to derail the conversation into something more to the job and stop thinking about how homophobic these people could potentially be.

“May I ask you something?” he told her and Maryse nodded; “Why is my sexual orientation important for the job?”

“It’s not a determinant and I really am sorry for asking, but it’s important for us that you are not homophobic,” the woman answered and Magnus nodded. “Besides, we’ve already had our share of anti LGTBI+ speech here and we’d rather not hear it again if possible.”

“Well, you certainly won’t. At least not from me,” brownie points to the Lightwoods, he thought. However now, he was even more intrigued. He noticed they didn’t want to go on with the topic and so, he went for something else.

“One more thing, Mrs. Lightwood, what did your son used to do before...you know...the accident? Did he have a favorite sport? Music? Anything that I can use at some point?”

“Basketball...he loved basketball,” Robert answered and Magnus saw him stand up and walk to the big windows behind him.

“Alec used to be an architect, Mr. Bane, he loved creating things, art in general. He’s very knowledgeable and loved a variety of things,” Maryse continued and Magnus nodded. “I think you’re a good candidate for the job in spite of your lack of experience and I’ve liked our conversation. However, I’d like you to meet Alec before signing a contract,” she took a folder from underneath the one she was reading his CV from and handed it to him. “Here’s a draft of the contract with everything we can provide, money, social security, medical and dental plans, and of course, what we expect you to do. Feel free to read it and ask anything. Would tomorrow be a good day for you to meet my son?”

Magnus nodded and picked the documents. He made sure it was what she said but didn’t read it then.

“Sure, I can come back tomorrow,” he answered as he closed the folder and looked at her.

“He doesn’t live here,” she began, “my assistant has your number but I’ll text you directly from mine. Anything Alec might need if you decide to take the job, I want you to handle it with me.”

The woman stood up and Magnus noticed that the man, Robert, didn’t move from where he was, his eyes locked somewhere outside over Central Park. He stood up right away too and shook Maryse’s hand.

“A pleasure meeting you, Mrs. Lightwood.”

“Maryse, please.”

“Then you can call me Magnus,” he smiled and said their goodbyes.

 

***

 

He hated mornings...afternoons...nights, it really didn’t matter. There was no difference for him. Only a few selected people still visited and there was no one outside his family who did. He’d already spent enough time in front of the TV and when the NBA games were announced he simply turned the TV off and stayed on the couch for the longest time.

It was interesting how time didn’t exist when you were blind, he thought. Alec sighed and moved his head to the sides out of habit. He couldn’t see anything, not anymore. The damage to his spine had been critical enough that although he had been lucky and hadn’t lost any movement, he had actually lost his eyesight. He really knew he was lucky. He just hated it.

Alec stood up and sighed. He turned to his left and took the necessary steps—thirty-two, he’d counted— to go towards the kitchen and fix himself a cup of coffee. Maryse had made sure he had everything he needed to make his life as easy and as comfortable as possible and he’d managed so far. He’d faced some bumps—literal and figurative—but he’d managed. He should feel accomplished.

It’d been three years since the accident. He knew because his family had gathered to commemorate the date. Not that there was anything good about it that they needed to remember but they met to honor their own. They would never stop mourning and it was something that was within him, as a part of him already. He just wished everyone else moved forward even if he really couldn’t.

The coffee maker beeped loudly and he touched it grabbing the handle of the mug. He’d already learned the correct height to do it without getting his fingers burned. That had already hurt a lot when he was learning. He liked his coffee black lately and he winced at the bitterness when he took the first sip. He positioned himself toward the entrance although he couldn’t see anything. After a life of color, it was all black now.

Alec finished his coffee in quick gulps and then rinsed the mug. He touched the surface by the sink and counted the three lines in relief to make sure he was leaving it in a place where it couldn’t fall off. It wasn’t even about that mug getting broken, he’d destroyed his fair share of mugs, but they never managed to pick up every bit of it and he’d ended up with pieces of them stuck in their feet. He smirked. He’d endured worse, hadn’t he?

His iPhone vibrated aloud before Siri started speaking **< Mom>** it said and repeated it until Alec spoke, “answer the phone.”

“Mom?”

“Alec, so good to hear you.”

Alec smiled. His relationship with his mom had always been good and he had to admit that although he’d grown apart from her over the years, she’d been a constant he didn’t want to miss. Yes, his relationships with his siblings were even stronger and they hadn’t given up on him during his toughest times but his mom, she’d been the one who never stopped coming to him and looking for him even when he’d tried to push her away. His siblings have been respectful and had given him space when he’d asked for it, but not Maryse. She had been there pushing and forcing him to not let himself drown in sorrow. He wasn’t sure he’d been there if it hadn’t been for her.

“Hey, ma, how are ya?”

“Good. What are you up to?”

“Same old, same old. Looking out the window and watching the sunset, wait? Is it sunset already? You know I can’t tell anymore.”

“Alec…” he heard the admonishment in her voice and sighed.

“Sorry, mom… you know how I get cranky sometimes.”

Boy did he now, he thought. However, his mom, even in the middle of what she was going through herself because of the accident and her own personal loss and all these years of his crankiness had never treated differently. If anything, Maryse had forced him to get back on his feet and resume his life like a regular person. She’d been the one pushing him to learn how to be independent and take care of himself. He knew it wasn’t because she wouldn’t look after him, but rather because he wouldn’t let her.

“Alec, one of these days I’m going to put you on my lap and will spank you as if you were five years old and had just broken grandma’s vase in the living room.”

“You didn’t do that when it happened.”

“I’m still your mother and I can still do it, so stop it,” Alec heard her chuckling on the other side of the line, “and it’s night already.”

“I figured. I’ve been up and bored for a while already.”

“About that... I think I’ve found the right person to be your companion so that you don’t go around complaining about getting bored.”

Alec heard the hesitation in her voice but stopped himself from commenting. That was another thing about Maryse and not giving up. She was determined to find someone who could put up with him without him getting mad. They’ve tried many already. From the old lady with her stale smell of mothballs to the crazy guy who hated people like him—gay, not blind.

“Mum...I already had a psycho in my house. You know he would’ve murdered me in my sleep if he had spent enough time here.”

“I’ve been more careful this time and this guy is a freewheeling bisexual,” Alec heard some sort of excitement in her voice, “his words, so, no hate.”

Alec walked toward the stairs and started climbing them to his room. He needed to have that conversation in the comfort of his bed.

“Ma...that doesn’t mean we’ll click, plus, you know I don’t need anyone.”

“It’d make me happy to know you’re not bored to death, pretty please?”

Alec hated when she started fixing him up with anything. They’d been through this so many times that he rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Mom, no. I don’t wanna meet anyone. I don’t wanna get to know anyone much less this freewheeling bisexual guy who’s managed to charm you.”

“Alec...”

“Mom, I love you but no.”

“I don’t get why you get worked up like this, Alec… I’m just...”

“Bye, mom.”

He sighed as he ended the call.

“Voice over on”

**< Voice over on>**

He moved his fingers over the screen of his iPhone and the system clicked as he touched every app and he found his music. The sound system started blasting around him and he commanded it to lower the volume. Alec went to the bathroom and washed himself up, brushed his teeth and came back. It was easy to do stuff. He used to be organized before but the accident and its consequences had forced him to become even more organized, sometimes even bordering in OCD but he needed it. Everything was always in the same place, the furniture couldn’t be moved an inch or else the number of steps wouldn’t be correct and he could hurt himself. His clothes were comfortable although he didn’t know whether they were neon bright or plain black. He knew Izzy had told him but he hadn’t cared then and still didn’t care.

He opened the drawers in his dresser and got his PJs out. Pants to the left, shirts to the right. His room was the one place in the house that had a full rug thanks to his mother’s insistence. In the beginning, she’d come to his place looking for him and had found him sleeping on the floor many times. In the beginning, everything had bothered him, from that house which he’d loved at first years ago, to the sound of his own breathing. He’d missed so many things. His job, his family, his friends, what he could do, and which he had taken for granted but that was gone now. The people in his life who had left. He’d felt so empty back then. He was fine now. He could go out if he wanted to. People in the neighborhood knew him and tried to help whenever they could, but he was used to keeping to himself, and no one interfered.

That was what he liked the most. People just left him alone.

He got ready and under the covers. He picked one of the books on his nightstand and moved his hands over the small dots in Braille. He knew this book by heart. It was Max’s favorite. He sighed deeply and lowered his head.

“Lights off,” he said and heard a click. It didn’t make a difference to him. Lights or not, he still saw black. It was all black.

“Llama llama red pajama reads a story with his momma. Momma kisses baby’s hair. Momma Llama goes downstairs…” he began to say aloud even though his fingers weren’t touching the pages anymore. He knew this story by heart. He used to read it for his baby brother at night.

He laid down in bed, allowing sleep to take him away for the night. Perhaps in the morning, things would be better.

Sometimes he just wondered why he had survived the accident at all.

 

***

 

It was a beautiful day at the beginning of summer. Magnus’ eyes were everywhere as he was walking at a quick pace to the address he’d gotten before. It was the nice part of Brooklyn, not that far from his own apartment, not too much traffic, trees made shadows on the sidewalks, making it easier for everyone to handle the warm breeze.

Magnus couldn’t stop thinking about Alec. He had tried to paint the previous night but he wasn’t that productive because his mind was everywhere and nowhere but mostly his imagination carried him away. He ended up staring the almost blank canvas, only holding the brush against it. He let the paint dry and sat on his balcony, a drink in his hand. He felt sorry for the Lightwood guy. He tried to imagine what it would be like not to be able to paint anymore. What had just happened was something silly, he chose not to paint. Alec Lightwood, an architect, someone who could see a space and create something wonderful out of it had lost the ability to do it. His mother had said the man was fully functional and didn’t need much help, that he could manage himself, but still. Architects needed all their senses, they usually even worked for hand in hand with interior designers to make their designs come to life for others. What he must feel was a complete mystery to him and he decided then to not pity him.

What would Alec look like? Did he have any scars? Would he keep his eyes closed? Opened? He thought he perhaps needed to look up about how to behave with a blind person on the internet. He ended up telling himself to trust in himself, to follow his guts. That was the least he could do as he hadn’t even met him yet and he was the best at it.

Truth be told, Magnus was nervous. However, this time, he was very nervous as he waited for Maryse Lightwood in front of a four-story Brownstone house and he still couldn’t push away the strange feeling in his stomach. At first, he’d thought it was because of the rush because he was in hurry to not be late to his meeting with Alec before his official first day of work. He’d read the contract and had found it quite generous and he’d love to know why but it wasn’t either the time or the place to question anything. He wanted to get to know the guy first, see if they hit it off or if he just needed to put up with him long enough to save money and pay for his studies. He really needed to do the latter regardless of how he and Alec got along.

He just hoped he could.

It looked like Maryse Lightwood had all the time of the world, though. She was already ten minutes late. Magnus thought for a moment that maybe she was already in the house but he clearly remembered that the woman had asked him to wait for her in front of it.

Magnus was pacing back and forth on the sidewalk, rubbing his hands together, playing with the rings on his fingers. He’d kept his style and had gone full on it. This time he spiked his hair as high as it reached, put on some comfy, yet classy clothes and was wearing enough necklaces to make him think he could put away one or two. He’d brought a backpack with his sketchbook and his Mac just in case.

A black car, of the very expensive kind, pulled down near the sidewalk a little later. Magnus was watching as the driver got off and opened the back door. Magnus sighed and rolled his eyes. Of course, they had a driver. If they were able to pay him what they had offered, what else was he expecting?

Maryse was glued to her phone as she got out of the car accepting the driver’s hand, Magnus had to admit that she did it so elegantly, that he was sure she’d been born to be this type of woman. Her movements were just graceful. She was wearing a turquoise A-line dress, her hair was up in a ponytail. She was oozing that she was rich but not over-the-top, obnoxious kind, Magnus could tell that much after their first meeting.

Maryse thanked the driver for his help as soon as she hung up the call and Magnus could hear that she instructed him to wait in the car. The driver nodded and went around and back on it.

Magnus put a kind smile on his face as he watched the woman getting closer to him, returning the smile but he could see some she was nervous. Her demeanor, the way she was pushing her hair behind her ear gave it away. Well, it didn’t make the situation any better that the man’s own mother was worried.

“Magnus, hi! I’m sorry I’m late, I’ve been held up by my daughter,” Maryse said and placed her hand on Magnus’ upper arm. Magnus swallowed dry from the unexpected gesture. He was used to being comfortable around people but Maryse Lightwood was still his employer. He just gave her a smile and a nod.

The woman seemed different than the day before, she seemed more at ease even though he knew she was actually worried.

“Well, I was a little late too,” Magnus answered, seeing the woman’s eyes widened. “Only by two minutes,” he corrected.

“Great. Well,” she took a deep breathe, “shall we?” She asked, gesturing toward the house.

“Sure,” Magnus mirrored her movement, moving to the side to let the woman lead the way. They went up the stairs to the front door and Maryse fished a key out of her bag, unlocking the door. She stepped into the house, holding the door wide open for Magnus.

Magnus looked around immediately as he stepped in. He noticed the white walls everywhere, the whole place seemed very bright, contrasting to the brown wooden floor. He heard a beeping voice behind him, turning to the way where the sound came from. Maryse was typing some code on a device on the wall by the front door.

“We’re gonna give you your own code,” she said when she noticed Magnus was staring at her. Magnus only nodded, standing nervously in the same spot.

Maryse dropped her bag on the table, gesturing to the room on the left. Magnus turned on his heels and started to walk slowly, not knowing if he would find somebody in the next room.

Everything seemed pretty well arranged in the house. It was pristinely clean, minimalistic, and cozy in its own way. There were a dark navy blue couch and two beige armchairs in the middle of the open room. There also was a fireplace between two floor-to-ceiling bookshelves on the opposite wall from where he walked. He didn’t see anybody in the room, so he automatically looked at the other side of the room, which led to the kitchen.

“Alec!” Maryse called her son, interrupting Magnus as he discovered the place. Maryse turned to him, gesturing toward one of the armchairs with her hand. Magnus went and sat down, crossing his legs. He left his backpack on the floor by the chair and occupied himself with the bracelets around his wrist while he waited.

“Alec!” He heard the woman cried out, a little louder this time and could hear footsteps getting closer.

“Mom, maybe I can’t see, but I still have no problem with my hearing,” Magnus heard a man’s voice and then he appeared in the room.

He was tall, Magnus could tell, but he couldn’t see his face because he was already heading to the kitchen. He was wearing grey sweatpants and a darker grey t-shirt, which seemed wet in the middle of his back. The man went to the fridge, and Magnus could see his profile for a second then the fridge’s door blocked his view.

Magnus’ heart started racing. He felt his hands sweating and shaking.

“I’m sorry, Alec. I didn’t know you heard me the first time,” Maryse turned to her son but remained at the same spot where she was before. She seemed used to his outbursts and to not move around much, perhaps to help him guide himself around the house, he wasn’t sure.

Alec was heading back to the room where Magnus and Maryse were. He was holding a bottle of water in his hand and was unscrewing its cap. This time, Magnus could see his face clearly as he got closer.

Now that he could take a better look at him, he noticed that Alec was ridiculously tall, his hair was messy and slightly wet and his face… His face was beautiful, he had nice features, Magnus could tell, even though his beard covered almost half of his face and he had a scar on his left eyebrow.

Alec was walking confidently in the house, going around the dining table and then entering the living room. He placed the bottle on the coffee table and sat down on the couch in front of Magnus.

Magnus swallowed dry as his eyes met Alec’s. The silence could be felt in the room. Alec was staring toward his chair and Magnus could’ve sworn to any God that the man in front of him could actually see him.

“Who’s this?” Alec asked, his hazel eyes still locked on Magnus.

“This is Magnus Bane,” Maryse stepped a little closer, “your new caretaker,” she added.

“ _The_ freewheeling bisexual?” He added, his voice sounding mocking and tainted with a bit of bitterness.

“That’s him,” Maryse said embarrassed most likely by Alec’s choice of words. Magnus shook his head and waved his hand at her telling her it was okay. He’d told her that himself and he hadn’t minded. Better to have everything out in the open and that was something on his checklist that he could tick. If it had been such an important question that Maryse had asked him and had actually told her son about it, then he was fine.

“I told you, I don’t need one, neither a man or a woman,” Alec turned his head to Maryse, but this time Magnus noticed that he was looking at her way but without actually knowing her exact position.

Magnus fidgeted in his seat, getting Alec’s attention. The man didn’t turn his head only his eyes to him and Magnus noticed. Magnus swallowed, his heart racing and he had never been so nervous in his life. He was feeling as if he were going to faint at any moment if he didn’t do anything. He stood up quickly, bending down, reaching his hand out to Alec.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Lightwood. Your mother has told me a lot about you,” Magnus said.

“I can guess,” Alec snorted but didn’t shake Magnus’ hand. He suddenly felt stupid. How could he expect to shake hands with someone who had lost his eyesight?

“Alec, Magnus is offering you his hand,” Maryse said matter-of-factly, “you could at least shake it.”

“Ohh,” Alec said, bending forward, his eyes were on Magnus again who was holding his breath back. “I didn’t see it, my bad,” he added with a smirk, winking and stretching out his hand.

“I’m sorry, I should have known bet━” Magnus said just before his hand brushed Alec’s. He saw that Alec’s breath hitched as they shook hands and his other one was on the back of Magnus’ immediately; his eyes locked on their hands.  Magnus’ eyes followed suit, watching every gentle movement Alec’s long fingers made.

“Are you wearing rings?” Alec asked softly, mapping Magnus’ hand with his fingers. Magnus’ skin tingled under Alec’s warm touches and he felt shivers.

“I am,” Magnus breathed out just before Alec dropped his hands and his eyes went to Magnus, who sat back down in the armchair.

“I still don’t need a caretaker, I thought we talked this through last night,” Alec said without blinking or looking away.

“We already signed the contract, Alec,” Maryse announced and Magnus knew she was lying. He wasn’t going to say otherwise. He’d left the woman’s office intrigued, wanting to know about this man who most certainly didn’t need any help as far as what he could do but of whom he wanted to know more.

“Duh,” Alec rolled his eyes. “Why?” Alec turned to the way where his mother was. “Why are you investing any more money in me? You know that no one can handle a blind person for more than, I don’t know,  two weeks? And you always end up paying them for a whole year because of your stupid contract,” Alec said, gesturing with his hands while he was talking.

“Alec, what your father and I are paying others for is not of your business,” Maryse stated, crossing her arms over her chest. If she was annoyed Magnus couldn’t tell but she was standing her ground and Magnus remembered she’d said the job was about entertaining Alec, keeping him busy. The contract didn’t say anything about looking after any of Alec’s needs. So maybe that’s why the contract was written in that way and why he’d be making quite a good amount of money regardless of him staying or not.

He could see why now.

“And what I do with my life is not of your business either,” Alec retorted. He was annoyed, his body language gave him away.

“You are my son,” Maryse said, her voice was strangely calm. Magnus could guess it wasn’t her first talk which went like this. And perhaps it wasn’t going to be the last one.

Alec threw his head back, letting it rest on the back of the chair, “okay, whatever you want, ma,” he said visibly upset, rubbing his face with his palms.

“Great. Hum… I guess you want to talk and get to know each other,” Maryse said, smiling at Magnus.

“I guess we’ll have time for that,” Alec said immediately. “Not that I want to get to know someone who’s here just for the money and out of pity,” Alec raised his head, his eyes on Magnus’ direction.

“If I may,” Magnus started, and felt encouraged when Maryse turned to him with a smile. She didn’t seem worried any longer. Her posture was showing something else he hadn’t been able to decipher just yet.

“Of cour━” Maryse said.

“No,” Alec cut his mother off. She pressed her lips together, closing her eyes before inhaling sharply through her nose. A shift in the way she was reacting to things. No, she wasn’t worried anymore and perhaps the reason for her worry had been the fact that Magnus was going to meet her son. Now, she seemed just annoyed at Alec’s bluntness and rudeness. It was getting a little under his skin too, he had to admit.

Magnus swallowed and Maryse gesture with her hands so that he continued talking but Magnus only shook his head, showing her the palms of his hands. It was better if he wasn’t confrontational. This is your new boss, he chided himself. Well, not exactly, he knew, but still.

“Well, Magnus is going to be here tomorrow morning, you can check his university schedule so you, Alec, will know when he is will be here and arrange━” Maryse said, still smiling when Alec looked at him.

“Are you still in school?” Alec cut her mother off again, turning to Magnus.

“I am,” Magnus only whispered.

“How old are you? Twenty-two?” Alec asked without taking a breath. “Mom, do I look that miserable?” He turned to his mother. “Or is he here...you know... _that_?”

Magnus also turned to Maryse whose eyes widened and he could see clear shook on her face. He really didn’t understand what Alec was talking about, he was confused.

“Alec…” Maryse recoiled.

“I’m thirty, Mr. Lightwood,” Magnus said quickly, trying to loosen the tension.

“Thirty? And you are still in school. Do you have any trouble with learning? What are you studying anyway?” Alec leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “And for God’s sake, stop the Mr-lightwood-ing already, I’m Alec,” Magnus saw him wave his hands in front of him in a dismissive way and blinked a couple of times swallowing down the lump in his throat.

“Right, hum, Alec then, hum… I Fine Arts,” Magnus cleared his throat. “I finished my bachelor degree summa cum laude,” Magnus informed him with bitterness, “and I’m gonna start the senior year of my masters in September. I love painting which I sell by bidding in order to make money. And if everything comes together as I wish, then I’ll start my Ph.D. studies next year,” Magnus said properly and he didn’t try to cover the pride in his voice.

Alec started laughing, dropping his head between his arms, shaking it. Magnus looked at Maryse whose expression reflected Magnus’ confusion.

“It’s funny,” Alec started before lifting his head up, “You make money by painting what you can _see_ …” Alec’s face turned serious.

“You know, you don’t have to have eyesight to be able to see, Alexander.” Magnus raised his voice, standing up, seeing as Alec leaned back a little. He could go into this, he could play this game with this grumpy man in front of him. A man who only heard that Magnus could actually see and paint and draw. He hadn’t heard about how hard he’d worked to make it everything happen in his life.

However, Magnus found himself smarter, gave himself a pat in the back and decided someone had to be the bigger person, so, he bit his tongue and kept inside the words which were about to come out of his mouth. He stared down at Alec who was sitting still, motionless, his eyes still in the same direction.

Maryse cleared her throat after a couple of seconds, blinking a couple of times. “I… I think this went very well, huh? I can tell that you’ll have some topics to talk about,” she said and Magnus looked at her. He hoped that at least she believed the biggest lie of the century because Magnus only could foresee huge disagreements already.

Magnus picked up his bag and walked to Maryse, who smiled at him before going to Alec. The man still didn’t move, not even when his mother bent down and kissed him on the top of his head.

“I love you, honey,” Maryse simply whispered although Magnus could hear her.

Magnus didn’t know why, but his heart was in pain as he was watched Alec. He didn’t blink, there was no emotion on his face, and that made Magnus sad as a grip grew around his chest.

Maryse gestured to the front door when she was next to Magnus again.

“See you tomorrow, Alec,” Magnus said just before turning on his heels and going toward the door. He opened it and didn’t stop until he reached the sidewalk in front of the house. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose, exhaling sharply through his mouth.

He heard Maryse’s high heels clicking against the stairs from behind. “Magnus?” she cried. Magnus turned around and put on a smile for show.

“I totally understand if you don’t want to sign the contract, I know he is a hard case and it’s gonna be so diff━” Maryse gasped out.

“I am gonna sign the contract, ma’am,” Magnus cut her off.

“You are? Why?” Maryse frowned.

“Because I need the money, Maryse. I… I really do,” Magnus almost shouted then closed his eyes and swallowed. “Don’t take it personally, but your son is an ass,” Magnus said and Maryse lowered her head. “I’d rather work with him than try one of those awful McDonald’s outfits which in all honesty, not even I can make look wearable.” Maryse chuckled and turned to look at the house for a second. “If you don’t mind, I just met your son and I’d prefer not to tell you what I think of him right at this moment but I can assure you I’m gonna try to do my best to do what’s expected of me,” Magnus explained.

“You’ve already managed to get more sentences out of him than any of the other candidates, you know? So, I’m hopeful,” she explained. “I understand what you said, and… and thank you,” Maryse said and Magnus could see a tear in the corner of her sad eyes.

“You’ve really been paying people for a whole year if they manage to keep up with him for two weeks?” He asked.

“Well, I haven’t offered as much as I offered you, but you see, I just followed my gut when I read your name and what you did. My son was an artist in his own right, you see? And when you showed up and I saw you I had a feeling. I just hope I am half right as I think I am.”

“So about tomorrow?” Magnus tried to change the topic to a more easier subject and to hide the slight blush creeping up his face. “What else do I need?”

“You already have a spare key, I’m going to text you to the security code and all the important numbers in case you need them.”

 

 

***

 

 

Magnus didn’t know why he had brought extra pastries from his favorite coffee shop. He just cared about people in general, he thought. And the macadamia nut-honey pastry was heaven-in-the-mouth so he just figured Alec could try it. He forced everybody to try it anyway, so he just shrugged when he ordered two more to take away.

He was walking on the Brooklyn streets, carrying his bag on one shoulder with his sketchbook and some notes for his studies in it, sipping his coffee, thinking.

He wasn’t expecting too much. He’d dare say that today was going to be one of the worse days of his life but he could try to make the best out of it. Alec Lightwood wasn’t his employer, his mother was. And he kind of liked Maryse. And she was going to pay him well for just putting up with her son. And the longest he managed to do that, the more money he could make. And the bonuses in the contract were damn tempting. She had tried to do everything to please his son and to get him back though Magnus couldn’t even imagine what Alec Lightwood used to be like before the accident. He just knew that right now, he was a jerk.

 

 

***

 

 

Magnus lifted his head and looked at the Brownstone house before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He shook his head slightly and started climbing the stone steps. He fished his spare key out of his bag and unlocked the front door, then he grabbed the knob with shaky hands and turned it, opening the door.

There was silence as he stepped further into the building.

“Hello?! Alec?! It’s Magnus. I’m here,” Magnus raised his voice a little, he didn’t want to shout as Maryse had done the day before if only to avoid any kind of comments about his arrival.

Magnus took his phone out of his pocket and checked the twelve-number code he had to press on to the device on the wall. He was thankful for the beeping sound, maybe Alec was going to hear it and Magnus wouldn’t have to cry his name out again. He really didn’t feel like doing that. Magnus tried to hear anything in the house for a couple of seconds, just to see where Alec could be but there was nothing but dead silence.

He rolled his eyes and took a deep breath, and cried out, “Alec?!”

 


	2. Darkness upon Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus’ first days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all thank you all for the kudos and the comments you left on the first chapter. We can’t tell you how much they mean to us.  
> Some of you have asked about chapter updates and all we can say right now is that we don’t have an update schedule; we have notes of what we want to tell in each chapter and we go by them and our daily conversations; therefore, it might so happen that you will have to wait a little longer but that only means the chapter length is increasing and the quality is improving.  
> This is the second chapter of our collaboration work.  
> If you want to live tweet you can use #LLNWTE hashtag or just yell at us, [Tweet to @malec_hun](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?screen_name=malec_hun&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw) and [Tweet to @margeari](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?screen_name=margeari&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)  
> Even though we’ve tried to have it as clean as possible, all the grammar mistakes you find are ours and ours only.  
> Enjoy!  
> Love and kisses,  
> Orsi (malec_hun) and Ari (Ariadnem)

_ The wise man's eyes are in his head, but the foolish man goes walking in the dark;  _

_ but still I saw that the same event comes to them all. _

_ [Ecclesiastes 2:14 (BBE)] _

 

* * *

  
Alec had woken up the next day—God knew when it was, he hadn’t really cared about keeping up with dates for a while and was always forgetful—but then, he pressed the button on the clock next to him on the bedside table and heard it loud and clear as it announced the exact date and time to him. 

**< 5.26 a.m.>**

**< Tuesday, June 7, 2016.>**

He took a deep sigh and covered his eyes with his arm, still not wanting to open them. It was the beginning of summer and his chest ached as he remembered how, back in the day, he used to hate waking up with the sun rays mercilessly shining through the windows in the morning,. If he could only have one more morning being woken up by the rising sun… But since the accident, every new day had been night, everything was filled with darkness to him. He’d learned to feel the sun, though. It always felt fresher in the morning when it kissed him good morning, but was terribly hot in the late afternoon, particularly in New York where summer could be too cruel. He didn’t think so anymore. He’d love to see a sunset once again. He just didn’t deserve it.

Alec didn’t open his eyes and it didn’t really matter. He’d dreamed the night before and it wasn’t something that was common for him anymore. As he stayed in bed, he had flashbacks of his dream from the previous night.  _ You know you don’t have to have eyesight to be able to see, Alexander,  _ those words and the voice behind them echoed in his mind. He didn’t know the person whose mouth had said those words. He was mad. Magnus Bane, freewheeling bisexual, Fine Arts masters student, and caretaker to the blind, that had been the one. He simply hated the fact that he had no idea what the guy looked like, or what he had been wearing; he didn’t even know how tall he was. What bothered him the most was the fact that there was no way he could know his face. He couldn’t attach a face to the voice, only to the touch of his hand. He could still feel the soft skin under his fingers, contrasting with hard metal, silver or gold—Alec couldn’t tell—of the ringers on Magnus’ fingers.

Somehow he was hoping they were silver.

He turned over and laid on his back, moving his hands on his chest.  _ Alexander. _ No one called him like that anymore, not even his parents, the ones who had given him that name. His business card even had  _ Alec Lightwood _ on it. It was a name that had grown with him until he made it his own and so nobody had called Alexander for years. And yet, the name had slithered out of this man’s lips in such a natural way that he was still thinking about it.

His business…his job… it had been more than three years since the last time he’d seen a draft. He couldn’t even see his very last project—the sixty-five-floor skyscraper on 16th Street. Another architect had had to take over the construction after the accident and he had been the one who had cut the ribbon at the opening ceremony. Alec hadn’t been able to see the actual building and the lines of the design had started to get blurry in his memory.

Then, it had been his recovery and the line of caretakers his mom had had for him. He wondered when she might get bored and leave him alone, but then again this was Maryse Lightwood he was thinking about. And thanks to her it was now this new guy, Magnus. 

He’d called him  _ Alexander.  _ The way he had pronounced the L, buzzed the X in the middle and sort of rolled the R at the end made him shiver. He wasn’t sure whether it had been the familiarity of the name or that fact that it sounded too foreign to him at the moment. He shrugged the unease off. There was nothing special about the guy or the way he had called him, much less about the fact that in his dreams, in the middle of that awful nightmare he was having, he’d heard him calling him like that and he’d felt safe.

Alec sighed and got out of the bed. It was better if he stopped thinking stupid things and got on with his days.

He loved the soft feeling of the rug under his feet and smiled. He went to the bathroom, emptied his bladder and got in front of the sink. He knew there was a mirror there, but he just focused on the task at hand. Brush teeth, rinse mouth, quick shower, get downstairs.

Things were easy for him right now. Right after the accident had happened, it had taken him a long time to learn how to tell spaces, how to measure steps to reach the other side of a room. To feel furniture around him so that he didn’t bump into it. This house, it was a brownstone he’d found a year before it all happened and he remembered how excited he had been about it. He had loved the brick walls and the ample spaces.  Right now, it was simply a safe place he didn’t know what it looked like anymore—not the way everybody else did, anyway.

He hated to meet new people; like the delivery guy who brought him bagels, and some fruit every morning and rang the bell like he just did to let him know the package was there, just like every other morning at the same time.

Alec just hated everything now.

It was still too early and he felt it when he opened the door and the chilly wind of the morning caressed his face when he bent over and picked up the box. Alec then walked back into the house and left the box on the kitchen island as he decided to make himself some coffee. 

The coffee maker was on the counter next to the sink to the right after passing the dining room. He’d made a point about keeping the space as open as possible and it just worked for him. He poured some water into a cup and watered the plant he kept by the window overlooking the garden. As he waited for the coffee to be ready, he went to the kitchen island and sat on a stool. He turned on the VoiceOver on the iPad that was mounted on the table and when he touched the buttons on the screen, he went to his Speech app and looked for the CNN news feed. He picked a bagel from the box and got some cheese cream from the fridge when had everything he needed, he listened to the day’s news as he took a bite. Once his coffee maker beeped, he grabbed the cup and drank from it. 

He laughed at the news of the scientists sending messages to space to see if we’re not alone and scoffed. 

“Of course we are not.”

As soon as he finished, he made sure he had his phone in his pants and took the few steps downstairs to the laundry room. Doing laundry was boring to some, but to him, it was relaxing. He’d become quite the organizer and started separating pants from shirts so that it was easier. He preferred to use comfortable clothes at home. Not that he didn’t have any fancy ones, Izzy had made sure of that, he just didn’t go out anymore—really, he’d rather stay at home all the time—but Izzy used to get him nice clothes in case he accepted one of their invitations. They had asked him so many times and he’d rejected them so many more that even them had given up on him. Izzy and Jace just didn’t insist anymore. 

He finished filling the washing machine with the first load of clothes and threw the soap pods in. He pressed start—second to the last bottom to the left—and relaxed. He walked to the other side of the small room and found the treadmill. He stood on it and turned it on. He touched the panel and started looking for the buttons that increased the speed range first and then the one that elevated the platform. He could walk for as long as the cycle lasted. 

About forty minutes later, Alec set the pants in the dryer and took care of the rest of his clothes. He did it slowly, going with the sound of the machines. He walked to the bench he had next to the treadmill and sat down on it, making sure the weights were in place on the bar and that they were secured. He’d stopped thinking about his dreams and about Magnus’ voice. Right then, the only thing that mattered was that he didn’t want a caretaker, much less one as talkative as the Bane guy. However, he was curious about him, as he had somehow managed to convince Maryse that he was the person for the job. Up to that point, the HR department in Lightwood Enterprises had taken care of hiring the person to help him. 

He was grateful in a way, after all, he did have a psycho coming to his house at some point and the fact that his mother was now involved meant she was taking care of him herself. Not that she hadn’t, but it also meant his mom was back in charge full time, and that was never a bad thing.

He inhaled and exhaled as he started lifting weights. 

Alec checked his Apple Watch and realized it’d been a little over two hours since he’d started his day. He needed another shower and was going to do so as soon as he finished folding his clothes. Alec picked up the basket with them and lifted it up, setting it up on top a table a few inches over the top of the machines. He picked the first piece of clothing and extended it on the surface. He liked how they were still a bit warm from the dryer and how they smelt of the lavender sheets he usually put in it with them. He started picking whatever was on top and then started to separate, pants, shirts, underwear, socks.

Alec heard the door open and close on the upper floor but didn’t care. He wasn’t going to start pretending he was happy with the new company. It wasn’t like he was going to last anyway. He’d have to ask Maryse to see for how long he had to put up with the guy before he left and received his year of payment so that he could prepare himself for the torture. Magnus arrived and called out to him. He simply ignored him.

 

***

 

Magnus puffed and shrugged, deciding to head to the kitchen through the living room. His eyes were looking at everything, everywhere. He hadn’t had much time to admire the house the day before. He always found brownstone houses’ enchanting—in a very different way than his own loft. The interior of this house was clear, open, wide, yet very cozy and warm as the morning sun made its way through the windows casting yellowish shades on the white walls around, he noticed as he walked into the living room. He heard some silent machine noise coming from the kitchen. He thought that maybe Alec was busy, making breakfast or whatever in there, even though he couldn’t see anybody. Was he behind the kitchen island? He frowned. 

Magnus walked along the dining room, trailing his fingers on the top of the backrests on the brown chairs by the lighter wooden dining table which had a simple white table-runner on—nothing else, no flowers vase, no candelabrum. 

Magnus tilted his head to check where the noise was coming when he noticed there certainly was nobody in the kitchen.

“Oh, hello,” he greeted the iRobot as it appeared from behind the kitchen island. He kept watching on the little piece of equipment, tracking its edges as it went around and under the stools at the island easily. When the cleaning machine was done and went to continue its job further away in the kitchen area, Magnus placed his coffee and the paper bags with the pastries on the bone-white top of the counter.

He stretched his neck and looked around only with his eyes, not daring to open a single drawer out of respect mixed with a little bit of fear. He eavesdropped a little, tilting his head, trying to filter the iRobot’s noise off and he didn’t find any other indication which could help him find and lead the way toward the owner of the house. 

“Alec?” he said in a normal tone because he really hated shouting. 

He took deep a breath and made his way back to the entrance hall. He was about to get on the stairs but he stopped at the bottom of it, one foot on the first step, keeping a hand on the railing, looking up to the next floor. He felt unsure, hesitating as to whether he should go upstairs. What if he broke into Alec’s privacy by discovering places he wasn’t supposed to be and to where he hadn’t asked for permission to go into either.

“Alec?” he said and started to count in his head and started to go up the stairs until he got to sixty-one. As he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed three doors. One was right on the left, near the stairway, the second in front of him and the third on the other side of the hallway. He quickly brought his knowledge of brownstone houses forward and imagined a blueprint in front of his eyes, stepping to the door on the left.

“Alec? Are you in here?” He asked politely after knocking on the bathroom door—well, he guessed it could have been the bathroom as it was so closely positioned next to another door. He placed his hand on the knob and opened it slowly. He patted himself mentally when he was right about the bathroom and felt kind of relieved when he didn’t find anybody in there. It would have been awkward if he had opened the door and had found Alec busy in the toilet. Still, he needed to look after the man and a weird feeling started to take over the lead in his empty stomach. No, he wasn’t hungry though he hadn’t actually eaten anything so far; it was a similar feeling to the one when he was waiting for the results of a test—knowing he did his best but still didn’t know what to expect because things didn’t only depend on him. It certainly depended on his professor and of his or her mood, in this case, Alec’s. 

He did the same with the door next to the bathroom and opened it with more confidence this time, finding nobody in the room, which seemed unused as he expected it; this one looked like it could be the guest room. He closed the door quickly, still not feeling comfortable enough to explore these rooms and hated that he was so damn right because it meant that the door at the end of the hallway by the stairs leading to the next floor, could be the master bedroom. And Alec might get upset for the intrusion.

“Okay,” he breathed under his nose and started to walk toward the half-opened door, admitting that this was worse than waiting for the results of a test and somehow he had a feeling that dealing with Alec was going to be much more difficult than dealing with his professors. He was going to have to leave the puppy eyes and the charming smile behind because they were going to be useless if he wanted to have any effect on the blind man. But damn it, he  _ was _ Magnus Bane, he could talk everyone's head off in such an entertaining way that a grumpy man wouldn’t be a big thing, or would he? 

“Alec?” He whispered, feeling like a total idiot, wondering how many times he’d already said Alec’s name and then trying to figure out how many more times he was going to have to say it until he finally found him. “It’s Magnus, I don’t usually trespass people’s private homes, and believe me, I’m entirely uncomfortable doing it…” he paused as he reached the door, tilting his head as he looked into it, only moving his eyes as he searched for him. The room had white walls as the rest of the house but somehow it seemed very different from the other areas. Squared timbers could be seen on the ceiling making the whole room seem wider as it didn’t look that high with dark natural wood contrasting against the white painting. What was he expecting, really? He was discovering an architect’s house, one who actually had excellent taste. Everything was clean, everything had its place, everything matched everything. Although the main elements of the house were white and every kind and hue of wood—like the dresser on the left side of the chimney’s wall which had a brown frame with a beige front and the high drawers on the right side which were reddish brown—Magnus noticed there were some other colors here and there in the house. Just like the light grey frame and bed rest with light blue sheets and pillows on it. 

Magnus was brought back to reality by a weird sound from downstairs and felt awkward that he was actually staring at Alec’s bed which was perfectly made and Magnus wondered if he could get the same equal length in the height of the duvet on each side of the bed if he used a measuring tape just to be sure. And Magnus noticed that he was still talking about an architect who probably had a sense for these things and damn it, Magnus already liked how precise Alec was even though he couldn’t see anything and an unmade bed would probably not bother him. 

As Magnus walked downstairs and got to the entrance hall again, he noticed some noise again and followed it down to the ground floor. He turned to the left when he arrived and walked next to the stairs towards an opened door and tilted his head as he was getting closer. The noise was definitely coming from there.

Magnus stopped at the door frame and well… what he saw was the very last thing he expected—not that he hadn’t had his mind filled with possibilities as to how he was going to find Alec, but finding him folding clothes in the laundry, which seemed to serve as his own personal gym as well, was not one of those things.

Looking back at him, Magnus allowed his eyes to linger on the man, from head to toe and back. Alec was tall, very tall and had thick, dark, and messy hair. He was muscular without being bulky and those sweatpants fitted him in all the right places. And he was also handsome, Magnus could tell from his features. For a student of Arts in all his forms, Alec was a masterpiece, if he could say so himself.

Alec was taking his clothes from the dryer and was neatly folding them, smoothing the fabric with his hands; when he was done with one, he placed it on top of the piles of clothes to the side which looked both sexy and adorable at the same time. There was an empty basket on the floor and he figured he’d been busy for a while. Magnus’ heart melted from the view and when Alec licked his lips Magnus’ breath hitched and he didn’t know if he had imagined it but he saw the light sparkling on Alec’s lower lip because of it, making Magnus bit on his own.

“Anything interesting to see?” Alec asked without turning his head to where Magnus was standing, his voice was tinged with sarcasm—well, Magnus’ melted heart hardened back in thirty-eight seconds if he wanted to be exact, and regained its form only hearing the other man’s tone—.

“Just a man doing his chores, impressive. Can I help you with anything?” Magnus asked, in a kinder tone than the one Alec had used on him and started walking toward him.

“I’m good, plus, I’m just blind, not disabled,” Alec gave him the cold shoulder and Magnus stopped a couple of feet away from him.

“I didn’t mean that...I’m—” Magnus began.

“Don’t say you’re sorry, it’s insulting,” Alec cut him off without stopping his task, folding some underwear.

“Jeez, thanks for letting me do my job,” Magnus retorted.

“I’m sure your job description doesn’t say anything about doing chores, just about keeping me entertained,” he said, finishing folding a t-shirt and placing it on the top of the same type of clothes before turning to Magnus with his whole body, placing his hand on the countertop and leaning his weight on it, “so Mr. Clown, what’s in the menu for today?” Alec rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index while he was speaking then he smirked at Magnus but his eyes went wrong, they landed somewhere toward the wall next to him.

Magnus didn’t want to be rude and impolite, he really didn’t want to and wasn’t proud of what he did next, but he rolled his eyes, and looked away with an annoyed face.

“I’m gonna be upstairs,” Magnus said in a cold tone, trying not to sound affected by Alec’s words and turned on his heels immediately, starting to walk toward the door. He stopped at the threshold and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before looking over his shoulder, noticing that Alec had turned back to continue his task. “Good morning, by the way,” he said, trying to sound as kind as he could right before leaving the room, heading to the stairs. 

Once he arrived back at the kitchen, he searched for a plate in the white cupboards. As he found one, he had to tiptoe to reach it, wondering if Alec would have to tiptoe as well; most probably not as he was ridiculously tall—Magnus snorted and shut the cupboard’s door closed. He went around the island and placed the plate on top of it, pulling one of the paper bags and his takeaway coffee closer. Magnus sat on one of the stools at the island and saw a box which he kind of turned over to see what it was, some fruit and groceries and a bag with something. He leaned back and glanced at the living room at the iRobot which was cleaning the floor religiously before opening the paper bag and placing the pastry on the plate. 

The kitchen, like the rest of the house, was painted white. The dining room ended with a row of bookshelves to the right, and then, there was a vertical cupboard with different compartments separating it from another counter which had the coffee maker on top, along with the stove further left and ending with another part of the same counter. There was an odor extractor on the stove and more white cupboards around it. Magnus wondered why there was white everywhere. Not that Alec had the face of someone who actually liked colors, but still.

The kitchen island, right across from the stove, had a sink and on the other side there was an iPad perfectly mounted on it, he noticed without touching, afraid it would make any noise. There was a large window divided into three panels, and no curtain and a few plants, which allowed the sun to shine brightly in the place and gave view to a garden which was in dire need for attention. And on the other wall, there was the biggest fridge he’d ever seen and a door leading to a small almost empty pantry.

Magnus went to the fridge out of curiosity and he frowned as he opened it. It was full of premade food in different containers. Even some of the fruit was sliced and perfectly placed or packed in plastic boxes. He wondered when was the last time Alec had eaten any recently made meal. 

Alec walked into the kitchen then. He was carrying the basket with his pretty well organized, recently done laundry in his hands and he left it on the dining table. He walked toward the coffee maker and got a coffee pod out of a box in the vertical cupboard. Magnus watched him as he got the cup in place, and put the machine to work. A couple of minutes later, he was done and was sitting down on the kitchen island by the sink, right across from Magnus who just observed him as he kept drinking from his own coffee and took another bite from his own pastry.

He could’ve offered me some coffee, right? Magnus thought, but well, this was Alec Asshole Lightwood. What was he expecting?

“You have a beautiful home,” Magnus said as he drank from his heavily charged coffee. Right then, that was what he needed a good load of coffee with sugar and cinnamon that could help him go through his first day on the job. He’d had a heavily alcohol-loaded martini as soon as he got home.

“I’ve never seen it, but thanks,” Alec’s voice sounded annoyed, and Magnus decided he didn’t want to ask what he meant by that.

“I brought some extra pastries if you wanna try them. This macadamia nut-honey one is my favorite and it is delicious. I always say that everybody should try it at least once,” Magnus said, “do you want me to get you one?” He asked and started to stand up.

“Don’t bother! I’ve already had breakfast,” Alec said and Magnus sat back on the stool. 

“That doesn’t mean you couldn’t try it, I’m curious about your opinion,” Magnus said kindly.

“My opinion is it sounds tooth-rotting disgusting,” Alec retorted before taking another sip of his coffee.

“Your loss,” Magnus shrugged and left the paper bag with the pastries in it in the middle of the kitchen island. “Oh, and it isn’t just for rotting your teeth, there’s a high risk the honey might take away the bitterness in your bloodstream. Careful, it might make you a nicer person,” Magnus said before glancing aside out to the deck leading to the garden and continued his breakfast.

 

***

 

Truth be told, spending the first day with his old caretakers had been so much more different than one he’d spent with Magnus. And it was only just after 9 in the morning. Alec didn’t know what his mother had seen in this guy. Did she think that he was going to enjoy his time with him when the man just couldn’t hold his comments back? Magnus had asked for his opinion on the pastry he bought. Alec gave a damn that it was his favorite pastry and how it tasted but that didn’t mean Magnus should have commented on his blood. His health was totally fine, thank you very much.

Not to mention the smell of Magnus’ coffee as Alec walked into the kitchen. He could smell it because it was all over the place—Cinnamon? Who in his right mind put cinnamon in their coffee? And why did he bring coffee anyways? Did he think Alec wasn’t capable of preparing himself one? So, he made a cappuccino for himself just for the record. And yes, to spite him.

Anyway, Alec didn’t think of himself as bitter—not at all—not wanting a person around you was not bitterness, they probably had a different vocabulary. 

“So what do you usually do on a day like this?” Alec barely understood what Magnus was asking because of his mouth full of food—being blind intensified your other senses but Alec didn’t know it was a good or a bad thing under his circumstances. 

“Trying to survive each day,” he answered.

“Okay, so we could do things you like to do, so time would pass by faster,” Magnus spoke while he was chewing and Alec tried not to make a face.

“What’s the point in that? You’re gonna come the next day, anyway and you probably already noticed that my mother forced me to have a stranger in my house, which is not one of the most pleasant moments in my life, I might add,” he said before sipping from his coffee one more time.

“I was thinking maybe we could do things that you usually can’t because you—,” Magnus paused.

“Are blind? Can’t see? You can say it out loud, Magnus, I’ve gotten used to dealing with me being blind for the last three years,” Alec said and stood up from the stool, waiting for Magnus’ reaction, looking to where he was supposed to be.

“You know you can have your old life back, right?” this time Alec noticed there was no food in Magnus’ mouth. “There are so many things blind people can do, for example, having a light chat, getting to know other people. Your mother told me some things about you, and I really would like to get to know you. The things you like, the things you hate, the things you’re okay with,” Magnus said and Alec snorted. “For example, I kind of have some knowledge about sports and I know you love basketball, you can—”

“Stop it,” Alec cut Magnus off, holding his hand up, “just… just stop it,” he felt how his whole body started shaking and he placed the cup on the island, “stop it,” Alec started to walk back before bumping against the counter behind him. He tried to collect himself, his eyes moving everywhere, he tried to ignore all the painful memories which unwittingly popped up in his mind. He grabbed the edge of the counter to make sure of his position, turned on his heels and left the kitchen.

He almost missed the very last step on his way down to the ground floor but he grabbed the railing to keep his balance. His heart was racing, breathing heavily as he made his way to the treadmill. He was glad that he hadn’t changed his clothes and shoes from the morning exercise yet.

He pawed the treadmill display with shaky hands and turned the machine on, starting to walk as the running belt started to move under his feet. He grabbed the safety key and attached it on his t-shirt—he usually didn’t use it, he liked to live riskily, but this time he knew he was going to take it hard and didn’t want to end up with a broken leg. 

The machine announced the increasing speed range as he pushed it roughly so many times until he reached a fast pace. 

He felt like being in a nightmare, running in the darkness, not finding the way out, a really bad one, the being startled out of one’s sleep in all sweat-soaked clothes kind. But unfortunately—or not—, this was a real-life nightmare for him, with no waking up, there was no way out of the darkness.   

He felt like his lungs burning, his sweat rolling down his forehead but he kept running, wondering when he was going to slip and fall off from the belt. He decided that he was going to run until his feet couldn’t run anymore and he didn’t care if he wouldn’t be able to get out of bed for the next days because of his sore muscles. He needed to move as fast as he could, so he increased the speed range. He couldn’t focus on breathing, there was no order in what he was doing anymore; he had already stopped inhaling through his nose and exhaling through his mouth a long time ago. 

The treadmill announced he had been running for seventy minutes now, it also told him how many miles he had ran and how many calories he had burned but he couldn’t pay attention, not that he even cared about it now. He grabbed the handrails with both of his hands and jumped on the side rails on the sides with each foot, then bent forward and leaned his head on his hands.

He tried to calm down his breathing while he felt his heart drummed in his ears, his pulse strong on his neck. 

He didn’t know how long he stayed like that for when he realized that the belt was still rolling under him. He turned the treadmill off and got off. He really didn’t feel like stretching the warm muscles in his legs but he knew that he should so as to avoid the pain in them—he really didn’t remember when the last time was that he had worked out so hard or had run his ass off like that. 

Once he felt like he was done with the stretching he took a deep breath and went upstairs, heading to the kitchen. 

As he reached the dining room, he heard movements from the living room’s way, then footsteps and Alec rolled his eyes while walked.

“Alec, I’m truly sorry if I hurt you,” he heard Magnus’ voice from a little further. 

“You didn’t, you need to make more effort to hurt me,” Alec said and opened the fridge, shivers running down his spine as the cold air hit his sweaty body, “but you are so fucking annoying,” he added after he grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, closing it before turning to Magnus, “so back off,” he ordered and started to walk to the entrance hall’s way. He heard a couple of steps, guessing Magnus stepped out of his way. 

He made his way up to his room and grabbed some fresh clothes from his wardrobe with one hand while taking big gulps from the water bottle he was holding on the other, leaving his watch, phone and the empty bottle on the nightstand and then he went to the bathroom. He took off his clothes and simply tossed them on the tiled floor before stepping into the bathtub, closing the curtain. He opened the cold water and let it shock his warm body, clenching his eyes and pressing his teeth together, knitting his eyebrows. He lowered his head and held it under the water, letting it flow through his hair. He gasped when the water reached his nose and he stretched his hand looking for his mint body soap from the edge of the tub. He felt goosebumps on his skin as he smoothed the liquid all over his body.

He didn’t know how long he was in the shower, he really lost track of time since Magnus brought up one of the most painful things in his life. Even though he was right—he used to love basketball—it didn’t mean that he was willing to talk about it. He felt like he still couldn’t process losing basketball. He had lost it in every way possible. He couldn’t play, he couldn’t watch it, damn it, he couldn’t even listen to a game anymore. He had shivers and felt sick only from the sound of a ball bouncing against the vinyl floor of a court or just against the concrete out in the street. One of the many reasons he’d chosen to sat locked up in his house.

He shook his head to clear his mind as he wiped his body and hair dry and placed the towel on the edge of the tub before dressing up. 

He went to his bedroom and searched for his AirPods in the drawer of the nightstand. He placed his watch on his wrist and grabbed his phone before jumping on the bed. He searched for a random playlist of his and started to play it, leaving the iPhone back on the nightstand. He laid on his side, pushing his hand under the pillow and closed his eyes. Aled realized that he didn’t check the time but he didn’t want to move. He was not that curious about how much time he had left to end this day with his new caretaker. Why couldn’t he just let him live his life on his own? He had had a pretty decent one so far and without a caretaker. 

Alec didn’t know when he drifted away into a deep sleep but when he woke up he felt rested. He didn’t remember when the last time he had slept so well was—he didn’t have any nightmares, or woke up randomly—he must have been really tired because he couldn’t remember when he removed the pods from his ears and placed them on the nightstand, and he didn’t remember when he covered himself—not that it mattered—his stomach reminded him that he hadn’t even had lunch. 

Alec pressed the button on the clock on the nightstand and his eyes widened immediately as it announced the exact time. 

**< 6.17 p.m.>**

**< June 7, 2016.>**

He sat up on the bed quickly, rubbing his eyes with his fingertips, then his cheeks with his hand, feeling his beard under his palms, making a mental note that he really should trim it soon—he really didn’t like shaving it lately. He always missed a spot here and there and trimming was just easier. 

He stood up and grabbed his phone from the nightstand, hitting the empty bottle with his hand, hearing it reached the floor.

“Damn it,” he cursed.

He kneeled down next to the bed, in front of the nightstand and was searching for the bottle, patting the floor. Once he found it, he stood up and defined his position in the room, he started to walk toward the door. 

While he was going down stairs, he was wondering if Magnus was still here or not. He should have left about twenty minutes ago. As Alec reached the entrance hallway, he turned left and walked into living room listening to everything nearby, stretching his neck to check if he could get anything. Yes, he could, from the kitchen… No, it sounded closer, it had to be the dining area. He started to walk slowly, still listening to the noise. He heard two footsteps then a chair sliding against the floor. 

“Are you still here?” He asked. “You should have left twenty minutes ago,” Alec said and placed one of his hand on one of the chairs at the table. 

“I didn’t want to leave unannounced,” Magnus explained and Alec heard a zipping sound followed by footsteps. Alec licked his lips, he just realized that Magnus had probably thought that he came downstairs twenty minutes after the end of shift expecting they weren’t going to meet. Well, Alec might have wished that the guy didn’t show up the next day, but that was a different thing.

“Okay,” he said just because he didn’t know what to say and Magnus probably didn’t hear him because he was already pressing his code on the security device, according to the familiar sound Alec could hear.

He heard the door closing and waited for a couple of minutes, but the house was silent. Alec moved again as soon as he heard the iRobot begin to work. 

Alec shook his head and went to the fridge, searching for something to eat. He took a container out of the fridge, touching the label on the top of it. His mother was always so precise when she prepared food for him, she even brought Braille label makers, so Alec could know what the content was in each of the containers.

“Fruits,” he said and placed it aside on the counter. 

He grabbed another container from another shelf. It seemed heavier than the one with the fruits, Alec could tell it should have been the main course. He trailed his fingers on the label and smiled immediately.

“My favorite, meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Excellent,” he said out loud, and closed the fridge, then, he went to the microwave and set the timer, counting the beeps, so he knew it wasn’t going to be too hot. He didn’t bother serving the food on a plate. He simply grabbed a fork from the drawer he waited with crossed arms, leaning against the counter, resting on his waist. 

He sniffed when he smelled something but it wasn’t the meatloaf, he could tell. He straightened himself and placed the fork on the counter behind him before walking toward the kitchen island. He placed his palms on the top of the counter and started to look for what was on its surface. He didn’t have to search for long as his hand brushed a paper bag and another piece of paper. He snorted, he definitely knew what was in the paper bag. It was that pastry that his new caretaker bought in the morning. He lifted the bag to his nose and inhaled its scent. It actually smelled good, and Alec swallowed in reflex as he felt the drool increasing in his mouth. He quickly pulled the bag away and headed to the trash with it in his hand—they need two to tango and he wasn’t going to fall for whatever Magnus wanted, whatever his plans were, whatever he had in mind. He stepped on the opener and tossed the pastries in the trash, knowing from the sound that he didn’t miss the dunk—he still couldn’t miss one. He clenched his lips together, pulling his feet away from the trash opener. He had become blind, but his body couldn’t forget how to do a slam dunk. 

The sound of the microwave brought Alec back to the reality. He sighed and went to grab his fork and took the container out of the microwave. He sat at the kitchen island and took his first bite, humming shamelessly as his tongue tasted the familiar flavor. 

He was eating for a while when he trailed his free hand on the island’s surface again, finding the other piece of paper. He was chewing in slow motion while he slid it closer to him. He brushed his fingers on the paper and his heart skipped a beat when the explored the paper changed under his fingertips. He could feel where the paper was more slippery under his finger or when it was rougher, he knew from his experience as an architect that a barely pressed pencil left dark shades and it made the paper slippery but he couldn’t figure out what could have been on the paper as he moved his fingertips along the soft lines.

He felt the graphite on his fingertips as he brushed his thumb against the four others. He started to panic when he realized that he had probably ruined Magnus’ drawing. He quickly finished his meal, standing up and going to the sink. He washed his hands, placing the empty container into the dishwasher. He liked to do the dishes on his own—cups, glasses and not very dirty plates were okay—but he didn’t trust himself when it came to these containers, he always thought he was going to miss a spot and they would remain dirty. 

He went back to the island, after placing the container with the fruits into the fridge, he didn’t feel like eating it anymore, rubbing the back of his head as he didn’t know what to do with the drawing. He wasn’t curious what was on it, he didn’t really care what his caretaker was drawing in his boredom but knowing he might have ruined it made him a little anxious. He was thinking about what do with it when decided against it.

“Fuck it,” he grabbed it and creased it into a little ball, thinking that it was ruined anyway as he opened the trash and threw the paper into it.

 

***

 

Magnus was thirty but didn’t look his age. All thanks to taking care of himself and doing what he loved the most. His art, being able to create with oil painting and a blank canvas meant everything to him. Second to that was creating sculptures in clay. He loved the human body and had no qualms admiring both male and female anatomy with bold abandon. He loved sketching it, drawing it, painting it, any kind of form his hands found to recreate it was wonderful to him. 

Meeting Luke had been the turning point in his life. The police officer had come to this foster house he’d been staying at over a complaint from the neighbors, and the rest as people love to say, was history. The man kept coming and over the next few months had informally taken care of him until he could tell him he’d managed to secure his care and Magnus had moved in with him. 

With Luke came the chance of growing up in a healthy environment, studying, being the best he could be and expressing himself, all through art.

That he was trying to get money to pay for his studies was simply his stubbornness at not asking for help. He’d been through college on scholarships and the money his late mother had left him after her passing, and he’d been good at managing it. He was already a homeowner and was proud of what he had achieved. His professors at school really liked him and he would take advantage of that, as he could access books and information and get invited to events all over the city just to see and learn from others.

One day his own works would be on an exhibition.

That was if he survived being Alec Lightwood’s caretaker.

Magnus took a deep breath as he made his way home. That man was infuriating, to say the least. He wasn’t a snob even though that had been his first thoughts when he went to see Maryse Lightwood for his interview. Despite his first impressions on Robert, the woman seemed fine enough, sensible, down to earth; the complete opposite to her son.

The man had been nothing short of an idiot. The way he spoke to him, the way he ignored him through the day! Magnus was fuming. The man was blind, it’d been an accident, was one-hundred percent independent and in the middle of it all, he was a complete asshole. He could’ve said thank you but no thank you when he’d offered him the pastries. He could’ve said he wasn’t into sweet food but no, he had to go all over tooth-rooting disgusting with his height and the way he looked at things from up there.

How convenient that he was his boss in a way—because really, it was Maryse who had hired him—for he couldn’t come back at him the way he usually would.

Although he did feel pretty proud of the fact that he didn’t take any of the man’s bullshit.

He had to remember to bring his laptop the next day, he said to himself.

Magnus was just starting his summer break but he wasn’t nearly done with his thesis dissertation. He had to go to the University library in the next few days to get some books and perhaps to the NY Public Library as well. Magnus looked at the summer sky and hoped to be finished soon. He already had his eyes on the Ph.D. Program at SUNY and was dying to get in. He just had to get back on track now that he only had to worry about putting up with Mr. Prick and he could use all the time he wasn’t needed to just work on finishing his Masters.

He stopped in his tracks when his cell phone rang.

“Magnus? Where are you?” His friend asked from the other side of the line.

“Catarina!” He greeted her with a wide smile even though she wasn’t really seeing him, “I’m on my way home, why?”

He stopped and stretched his hearing as a car honked nearby.

“I’m at your building, but I can come back some other time.”

“No! Don’t go! I’m just a few more blocks away!”

“Want me to wait for you in front of the building or should I go inside?”

“Yes! Wait for me at home! You know where the spare key is! See you soon!” He shouted before putting his iPhone away.

He took a quicker pace and was soon by his apartment building. As Magnus entered the lobby, he rushed to get to the elevator as it was just starting closing. The ride didn’t take much and he even gave the lady from two floors below a weak smile as she gave him a weird look over his hair.

“Thank goodness you’re here!” He said as soon as he saw Catarina and she offered him the first of many martinis that night. Exactly what he needed as he got comfy.

“Magnus, are you okay?” Catarina looked him up and down and took a sip from her own drink, “go and get changed, I wanna hear every single dirty detail of your boss...and the new job, of course.”

The woman chuckled and Magnus smirked at her. He ran to his room and took his shoes off, leaving them by the bed and his clothes in the dirty laundry basket. He walked around his room in just his boxers and took his time as he took a well-deserved shower even washing his hair from the gel and the glitter. When he walked out, Catarina was lying on his bed, waiting for him, her face buried in her phone as she was checking her Facebook feed.

“You couldn’t wait, could you?” He said in between laughs and she responded in kind. Magnus went to his dresser and got comfy clothes out. A pair of dark blue sweatpants that hung low around his hips and covered his feet and a plain crew light gray T-shirt that just fitted him right.

“How could I?! I’ve been intrigued since you told me about the interview,” she sat straight in bed and leaned against the bedrest. “C’mon, tell me about this mystery man you’re working for.”

Magnus covered his face with a towel as he tried to get his hair as dry as possible without using a blower—and to hide from Catarina really—there wasn’t much to say and yet, he was so eager to tell her everything. 

“Cat…” he began as he fell on the bed looking at her upside down; “there’s no mystery about him. He’s the son of the Lightwoods, from Upper East Side? The Consortium? He’s the eldest, and they were in a car accident three years ago, he suffered severe trauma to the head and lost his eyesight…” Magnus said and re-arranged himself comfortably on one of the pillows. Magnus had his gold duvet and bedsheets on the bed that day and he smiled at the softness of the fabric which he loved. It was one of the small pleasures he indulged in.

“What? You mean he’s blind?” Her voice was surprised. She’d helped him find the job ad and they had talked about the possible disability of the person he would care for.

“That is exactly what I mean, but it’s like he can still see you, I mean...you know he’s not looking directly at you, but it feels as if he could see through you if he could,” Magnus was lost in his thoughts, trying to see through the day with objectivity as he told Catarina about it, but had to accept he was biased. On one hand, it was Alec’s blindness and how he handled it. On the other hand, it was the fact that Alec behaved as if he didn’t need anything from anyone.

“You seemed impressed, huh?” She patted him on the arm and made him turn to her.

“I found him doing his laundry and exercising this morning, I’m telling you, the guy is quite independent,” he responded, and got silent for another minute, “I am impressed. I’ve never met anyone who was blind before, much less someone who could go about the world with such ease.”

“Hmmm…” she hummed and let her murmurs fill the air with them. Magnus could see her looking at the distance while he averted his eyes to the ceiling. 

“He’s…” Magnus began again but stopped. He was trying to find the correct word to describe him but in all honesty, there weren’t many, “he’s an ass, Cat. The son of a bitch can’t take anything nice without making a biting remark or making it about his blindness. He’s going to drive me insane!”

“Language!” Catarina admonished him and  Magnus sighed.

“I know, I know. It’s just… you have no idea what today was like. I’m new to this, and I was trying to be nice and he was just mean. He doesn’t want me there and I…I have to stay there until I make enough money. His mom is paying me really well and I need it.”

“Fair enough, he is an ass. Anything else?”

Magnus remained silent and let it linger. He’d just thrown a bunch of expletives at Alec and he was thinking of everything else Catarina just asked him about.

“He’s handsome, Cat. I’ve got to give him that. The guy has the right muscles in all the right places and can live by himself. He doesn’t really need me,” he gave her an honest answer and sighed.

“Which is why his mom hired you to keep him entertained, not to help him around.”

He sat on the bed facing her and he looked her in the eye. 

“I don’t think he wants me there, and it’s just my first day. I have no  idea how I’m going to survive.”

“You were pretty colorful about describing him just now,” she told him and made him lower his head in shame, “but...you also noticed he is handsome and independent. You  _ are  _ Magnus Bane, I’m sure you’ll find a way to crack his tough shell. Just don’t give up on him.”

“What do you mean, Cat?” He asked curiously, “his tough shell?”

“How many people do you think are still in his life? What’s more, do you know anything about him? Or just what his mother told you? He lost his eyesight in an accident, what else or who else do you think he’s lost?” Cat moved to him and made him lift his head by touching his chin, “this man must’ve had a job, must have had dreams and hopes and desires and lots of people in his life who loved him. How many called him today? Did you hear the phone ring even once? Did you hear him laugh or sing? Magnus...It might be hard now, but if there’s anyone who can help him be him again, that’d be you, and I trust you can do this.”

Catarina kissed his cheek and Magnus remained sitting down on the bed, speechless. He hadn’t considered what Cat had said for one second. He only knew he’d been an architect and there had been an accident and he couldn’t see anymore. He didn’t know anything else but the despair in Alec’s mom’s eyes when they’d come to see him, and the hope that he might do something for her son.

“And all I did was call him an ass to his mother’s face,” Magnus whispered as he gave himself a mental kick.

“Oh man, you just called him worse, now come, let me put some food in you because there’s still a lot you haven’t told me,” she called him from the door and Magnus hurried to follow her. She was right, he mused and he knew better than arguing with her. 

He was grateful that Catarina had thought about food. She’d gotten them Chinese and the egg rolls and dumplings were just divine. Catarina had been right about Alec earlier; he really didn’t know what Alec had lost. He’d just focused on the fact that he was blind now, but it didn’t occur to him that the accident had entailed so much more. 

Maryse had told him Alec had flown out of the car through the front window, he’d fallen far from the car and the trauma caused by the impact against the asphalt had been the cause of his blindness. The first thing he and Catarina did right after they ate was getting online, she on his desktop computer and he on his MacBook, and look for things he could do with a blind person. He found from going to the movies and the Talking Books services at the library to working with their hands—clay, yay!—going out and even doing needlework.

Magnus was surprised at all the things he could do or try to get Alec to do. He also knew it wasn’t going to be easy. If anything, Alec had proven to be difficult. He’d tried to be nice, but the man had managed to get on his nerves. He knew he had to put up with things for at least two months, and he was only on day one, and sort of regretting it. He sighed as he drank the rest of another martini they had prepared that night.

Magnus was surfing online reading about Braille—something that had completely taken him by surprise—as he had no idea about the language or how it worked. Of course, he’d heard about it, it wasn’t like it was a secret, but he really knew nothing about how it worked or where it came from and for someone like him, interested in history and art, this was just a beautiful way of communication.

“You okay?” Catarina had approached him from behind and was holding him by the neck. He was completely relaxed, his hair was down and his face was bare. He was wearing his reading glasses and had been quite concentrated on what he’d been doing. He simply nodded as he lifted his head to look at her. She sat next to him on the couch and rested his arm on the backrest. Magnus shifted to face her but didn’t say much.

“I have no idea what to do with this man, Cat.”

“For now, I’m content you’re not calling him names,” she said.

“He’s still an ass, Cat,” he said rolling his eyes, “but I agree, I have to be the better person. He’s gone through enough already. And, I’ve got a confession to make,” he said a bit embarrassed, “I saw him sleeping today and he seemed so pure that I felt the urge to draw him.”

“You did what?” Catarina asked surprised but Magnus ignored to explain it.

“Then all his words echoed in my head and duh,” he sighed. “I guess I have to start getting used to it.”

“Yup, you’d better. You need the money and it’s not even because you want to go on that trip to Italy you’ve always wanted to go to, but because of you and your dreams, and the longer you stay, the better it’d be. You don’t have that other teaching assistant job at the Uni available anymore and you need every penny you can get. And you’re not making just pennies here, so, do your best.”

“I’m so grateful you’re my voice of reason,” Magnus told her, leaning his head on her shoulder.

“Well, dinner at a nice restaurant or those Jimmy Choo shoes we saw on the 5th Avenue the other day would be a good way to keep me on your side,” she laughed aloud, leaning her own head against his as he laughed too.

“You’re the best Cat, and you deserve the world, but I have a feeling that you missed the memo saying that I’m out of money,” he announced dramatically, kissing her cheek and going to the kitchen.

“But I still deserve them, right?” she asked from her seat. “Besides, you can’t now, but hey, my birthday is still a few months away,” she winked at him and laughed wholeheartedly.

“Of course, but first, ice cream?”

She squealed as he approached her.

 

***

 

Magnus spent the next few days looking for information on how to be a proper caretaker. He’d found a few websites with all sorts of information and even found support groups and blogs where people went to ask questions about the job. He learned there were places where he could buy books in Braille and different items he could eventually use with Alec. That was if he managed to convince him. 

Every day, he’d found Alec busy somewhere in the house. The first day, it had been exercising and doing his laundry. On the second day, he found him doing the dishes of his breakfast. Magnus had kept silent. He’d brought his coffee just like the day before and drank it on the kitchen island, just watching Alec in silence. If there was something good about the other man not being able to see him was that he could check him up shamelessly. After having seen him sleeping the day before, Magnus, artist extraordinaire and unabridged student of the human body, had started to study him as a subject. He started paying attention to the way his hair was always messy, to the way his muscles flexed under his shirt when he walked, or to the way his arms swayed along with his body whenever he walked around.

All was good until Alec had wrinkled his nose when he’d walked by him.

“Anything wrong?” Magnus had asked as he tilted his head. He’d been walking to the dining table, coffee in his hand.

“Why do you like to drink such a disgusting thing?” Alec had said and Magnus looked at his cup, smelling it. He loved the smell of cinnamon in his coffee and the extra sweetness in it.

Magnus had grimaced and kept quiet. He wasn’t going to fall for it, he repeated. He’d seen him fighting his mom over hiring him. He’d seen him upset the day before. It wasn’t the first time he called something he liked disgusting. However, he wasn’t going to fall for the bait. The man shook his head and got his laptop out of his bag. 

“What’s your wifi password?” Magnus asked and he knew he’d taken Alec by surprise from the way he opened his eyes. The man didn’t answer and left the room and Magnus lowered his head. He got his phone out and texted Maryse. The woman had sent him instructions to find it under the router on the second shelf from top to bottom in the dining room. He looked around and once he’d found it, he’d texted her, thanking her.

He’d double-checked the information and spent the whole morning by himself in the dining room. He’d busied himself doing some research for his masters and by noon, he went looking for Alec. He’d gone upstairs and had knocked on his door hesitantly. He’d been sure Alec was going to be upset, but well, they’d have to put up with each other, and they might as well start soon.

“Alec?” He called him and had to knock a couple of more times.

“What do you want?” Alec said from the other side of the door. Magnus had rolled his eyes and pressed his fingers on the bridge of his nose.

“I’m going out for an hour or so. I’ll be back soon,” Magnus let him know and hadn’t been surprised when Alec responded.

“Do what you want. It’s not like I’m going anywhere,” he hadn’t been surprised at all.

Magnus had spent his lunch time at a couple of places for the blind in Brooklyn. He’d already checked a couple others in both Greenwich and Manhattan which he’d planned to visit during the weekend.

He’d gotten something to eat on the street as he went to the blindness center. People there had been extra nice and supportive and for the first time, he didn’t feel like the whole thing was going to be a failure. Catarina’s words still echoed in his mind, and so, he was trying. Alec perhaps had another idea in mind, but he just needed to hang on for at least two months. It was only June 9, what could go wrong in those 58 days left.

When he’d returned, he’d had a happy belly, a newly brewed cup of coffee and a bag with toys he could try using with Alec. If he had been hired to entertain, then he could try. He’d found Alec in the kitchen as he was finishing his lunch. He’d greeted him and Alec had answered with a grunt. Oh boy, here we go again, Magnus had thought then.

“So, Alec…” he began but hesitated when the other kept doing his own thing and didn’t even acknowledge him. He’d taken a deep sigh and had come forward, leaving his backup and the bag on the dining table. “So, I was wondering, do you like board games? I mean, I’m supposed to keep you entertained and all I’ve managed is keeping you locked up somewhere in the house, so, I was wondering if you’d like to play a card game with me?”

The way Alec had looked at him as he’d turned was all the answer he needed. The tall man had scowled at him and had passed him as if he weren’t there. And there was that wrinkled nose he would’ve found adorable under other circumstances. 

“One, I don’t play card games, in case you haven’t noticed, I can’t.see.them,” he’d answered and before Magnus could answer, Alec had gone on, “and two, why on earth would you drink that? It really is utterly disgusting.”

Magnus had inhaled deeper that time and had closed his eyes. The man was going to be the death of him and not in a good way. He’d thought of his dreams and hopes and how they currently depended on him and had held his tongue. Still, it only lasted a second or two.

“One, since you’ve been so gracious sharing the things you like, I’ve got some games for you and I. I’ve got card games, dominoes, Play-Doh, heck, I’ve even got a Monopoly. All.are.blind-people.friendly,” he retorted in the same tone Alec had used on him, “and they are here to stay and two, I drink my coffee like this because otherwise, I’d turn into you, tall, dark, and...well, you know, bitter. I’d rather not.”

Magnus had finished drinking his coffee and when he’d gone to throw away his paper cup he’d opened the bin and had found a piece of paper in it that was similar to the paper in his sketchbook. He’d taken it and had opened it and he’d seen one of the early sketches he’d made of a male in a sleeping position the day before. He’d turned to look at him and saw him standing by the parlor window, oblivious of him and his presence and he’d just made a new paper ball with the sketch and had thrown it back in the bin, next to the bag with the pastries from the day before. He scoffed upset. He’d needed to get away or else he knew he’d killed Alec.

Magnus had left him there and had taken his backpack with him. He’d made a sort of nest in the dining room with his computer and books and had decided to not pay attention to him anymore. A few more hours and he was going to be home. 

The next day, it was the same thing though.

Alec seemed to be an early riser as by the time Magnus was there, he was either in the kitchen having breakfast, exercising or listening to the news. That first week had been hard for him and he was glad it was almost the weekend and he would have time to do something different. 

Every day, approaching Alec was a challenge. Magnus had begun paying attention and was following his patterns trying to find them. As an artist, he was trained to do just that and between doing his own thing and being silent, something he was also good at, he’d started learning a sort of a routine of Alec’s. One thing that was clear was that Alec would try to avoid him at all cost. He’d tried the card game, the dominoes, and at some point, Alec had walked on him as he was reading about how to understand Braille. 

Alec kept telling him he didn’t need him in every way possible and Magnus would just retort with a sassy remark or just by ignoring him. 

Magnus kept bringing his own coffee, that very morning getting some extra cinnamon in it, and bringing an extra macadamia nut-honey pastry which he devoured noisily whenever Alec was nearby just to spite him. Childish, he knew, but Mr. Asswood was doing a great job at getting on his nerves. 

After the failed attempt at playing cards, Magnus had offered to play domino—he’d truly been impressed by all the kinds of things he could find to keep Alec busy and that the other neglected altogether—he’d even proposed that they watched a movie the night before.

‘Watch a movie? Really, Marcus, I thought you knew better than that,’ Alec had answered to his proposition and he’d had to bite his tongue before calling him a prick. That Alec would keep away from being as normal as he was baffled Magnus. Everyday, he was more impressed as to what the guy could do and every day he tried to help, Alec just did his very best to push him further away.

He was Magnus Bane though, and he just wasn’t going to give up on his job. He needed it after all.

That Friday he heard the house phone ringing and he realized it was the first time he’d heard it and so, it took him a while to recognize its ring. He found it on one of the tables by the big windows on the parlor and he just answered when he realized Alec wasn’t even trying. Alec had been locked up in the ground floor probably destroying the poor treadmill. He stood up from his now usual seat in the dining room and picked it up.

“Alec Lightwood’s residence, how may I help you?” He greeted, using his voice in a charming way.

“Hi, you must be Magnus,” the female voice said from the other side, “mama told me about you, I’m Isabelle, Alec’s sister.”

“Hi, Isabelle, how are you?” They exchanged pleasantries and for the first time all week, Magnus smiled. “Your brother is busy at the moment, but what can I do for you?”

“Actually, I was meaning to call you and check on him but I don’t have your number,” she said and Magnus frowned. Why would she want to talk to him when he was sure Alec would take her call, or wouldn’t he?

“I don’t follow, Isabelle,” he told her truthfully and heard her sigh.

“Alec is a good man but he’s trapped in his mind and in that house. If I call him, he’s going to say everything is good and I know him well. How is he handling you?”

At her words, Magnus sat down in the chair closest to the window. He could have a good view of the house from there and could see when Alec made it upstairs. He had to think hard. Isabelle was the second person so far asking him for things from Alec’s point of view and he realized that, once again, he didn’t have an answer.

“He pretty much hates me, if that’s what you want to know,” he decided an honest answer was better than playing around and if Alec’s behavior was any indication, Isabelle Lightwood wasn’t something to play with.

“That was expected, and you? How are things from your side?” Again, he was taken by surprise. 

“Well, I’m new to this and I’m learning. It just hasn't been easy,” he answered and he smiled faintly, looking out the window this time.

“I’m glad you’re still there, others haven’t lasted this long,” she said in a happier, relieved tone of voice and Magnus chuckled.

“That bad, huh?”

“My brother...well, it hasn’t been easy for him either and he’s determined to not let anyone help him, he doesn’t want anyone pitying him, but I guess empathy is always good,” she told him. “So, some pointers, he loves music although he doesn’t dance, he loves smart talk and sweet pastries. Try any of that and you might win him over.”

Magnus wrinkled his nose. The bastard loved sweet pastries and would rather throw them away than try them! The nerve!

“Thank you, Isabelle, I’ll keep it in mind,” he answered, trying not to say something he probably shouldn’t.

“And please tell him we’re coming to see him tomorrow, okay?” She definitely sounded cheerful now and Magnus could do nothing but smile. “Thank you, Magnus. I’ll see you around.”

“My pleasure, Isabelle. Have a good day.”

“Was that my sister?” Alec asked as soon as he entered the living room. Magnus was taken by surprise. He’d sat down in that particular chair just to be able to see him and had utterly failed as he had been distracted by his conversation with Isabelle. Alec was sweating and his clothes stuck to all the good places in his body which was something Magnus readily avoided. He was upset, perhaps without reason, but he couldn’t understand how someone could be so mean to others.

He was trying to understand where Alec was coming from but the truth was, he was on edge. This was his first week tackling a new challenge, for him, it was already borderline torture.

He thought of his masters as he took in the view from the dining room, his books and computer scattered all over the table, his sketchbook on the side. He thought how his Ph.D. would cost him about forty grand and how working with Alec would allow him to pay for it upfront and not have students loans down the road. He thought of Luke and how he’d wanted to take him on that Bachelors cruise they’d talked about over drinks just last Christmas, if he could give Luke that little something, then he’d better put up with him.

And of course, Mr. I-have-super-hearing had walked in on him hanging up the phone.

“Yes, that was she,” Magnus answered rubbing his hands against his thighs. “Listen, I’m gonna go out for a walk, wanna join me?” 

Alec didn’t answer and he wasn’t expecting him to. He just really needed to get out of there for a tiny while, regroup and come back. As Alec kept silent, Magnus took his keys and sketchbook and went out leaving everything else still on the table.

He needed to get out of there and breath.

 

***

 

Having Izzy and Jace in his home always lifted his spirits. He knew they couldn’t be together all the time, but he did love the time his siblings managed to make for him. he couldn’t ask for more. If he was honest with himself, Alec had to admit he’d been the one pushing them away. He remembered the one time he begged them among tears to just give him space. He had begged for time, for a respite. They had tried, he couldn’t deny that both Izzy and Jace had been there for him for as long as he had allowed them to, and when he had finally moved into the Brownstone, he’d asked them to leave him there on his own. He’d told them he had to learn to be himself and he had. He’d become independent and self-sufficient and that had been good for him.

And he hadn’t become a burden to them, which had been the point.

He knew that after everything that had happened, Jace had finally settled down and had become the next head of the Lightwood consortium. It was meant to happen. The family’s accident had just sped things up a bit for him and Izzy, who, like Alec had created a world of her own in which she was successful. The “How to…” column writer at Elle’s magazine, she was a known name in the industry and nobody in New York did anything without her advice.

And yet, both of them were at his house right then laughing and joking while they served the takeout they brought for their dinner that night. They had an agreement, never to eat any of Alec’s frozen food—even if it was homemade—and never, ever, eat anything prepared by Izzy.

Alec was just happy they were there. He could always identify the click-clack of Izzy’s high heels, so different from their mom’s. He could identify where Jace was in a room by just listening to him breathing. These two, they had been his lifeline and he loved them with his entire being. He simply didn’t know how to put up with anyone being around him for longer than was strictly necessary. At the end of the day, everybody ended up pitying him and he hated that. He couldn’t see their eyes, but he could hear their sad breathing and it was as if they exuded the feeling and he could almost sense it.His family was honestly interested but he had lost that need to have them around. He could only think of how long it would take them to start feeling like everybody else.

“So...tell us about Magnus,” Izzy said and Alec felt as if she’d popped his favorite balloon and the magic had disappeared.

“Magnus?” Jace asked, “Magnus who?”

“Mom told us the same day, Jace, Magnus is Alec’s new caretaker,” she probably gave him a look that got Jace to laugh mischievously while Alec rolled his eyes.

“I think the word you actually meant to use was Alec’s new victim,” Alec heard Jace chewing something as they set the dining table and he served the food. Izzy was sitting next to Alec and he could almost feel as she frowned at Jace chastising him.

“There’s nothing to say, he’s an Art student, he’s thirty, and he’s clueless,” Alec began as he heard Jace moving the chair opposite to him and sitting down. Izzy patted his shoulder to make him turn and he was grateful for the second of silence. He moved his hands over the table until he found his plate and cutlery and made sure they were in the right position. 

“Keep talking, bro,” Jace encouraged him as he took a bite of his food, which Alec knew of thanks to his loud chewing. “Why is he clueless?” That was Jace speaking with his mouth full, making Alec smile.

“He has no experience, and..:”

“Has he been rude? Has he treated you like a damsel in distress?” Izzy asked.

“What?! Izzy! No! Why would you say that? He just...well, he keeps asking me to do things, like if I want to eat, if I want to go out for a walk, if I want to play. Can you believe he got Play-Doh to play with me?” He told them as he started eating himself. The food was delicious and the smell of the cooked veggies and the meat were heavenly. He closed his eyes enjoying it and was sure Izzy and Jace were exchanging looks right then. Annoyed, Alec put his fork down.

“What?”

“We saw some stuff on a shelf here, we just didn’t know what it was, Alec,” Izzy said and he frowned.

“Stuff? What are you talking about?”

“Well, remember that empty space on your third shelf? Well, it’s no longer empty, there’s a set of domino in relief, a Monopoly, a card game, a few pots of Play-Doh, flash cards, I mean, if the guy doesn’t know what he’s doing at least he’s trying,” Jace stated and continued his food. 

Alec sighed deep and looked for the fork again, playing with it, not really feeling like eating right then.

“It’s the kind of stuff they told us to use back in the rehab center…” Izzy started.

“The same stuff I never wanted to do, Iz. Why would I, now?”

“Because it’s been three years, because this guy has stayed the whole week, because he might be trying,” Izzy said and grabbed Alec’s hand, moving her finger over it. Alec remained silent, straining his hearing in case he detected anything from either sibling, but apart from the usually resigned sigh, there was nothing. Perhaps they had given up on him too. It would have been about time anyway.

“Izzy, you don’t understand,” he began and she squeezed his hand.

“No, Alec, I think it’s time you begin to understand,” her voice told Alec she wasn’t playing and it was serious for her. It had been a while since she spoke to him like that and Alec lowered his head, bracing himself for what was coming.

“What Izzy, what can you tell me now that can change anything?” He said, conflicted as to where she might be going.

“He’s stayed even when he thinks you hate him. He still came all week,” she said and Alec lifted his head, his eyebrows rising as she spoke. 

“It’s the money, you know that. Mom pays them enough to put up with me,” he answered at once, and Izzy squeezed his hand a bit tighter, “besides, what do you mean by saying that he thinks I hate him?”

“You still believe that?” Jace asked from his seat, interrupting him. Alec turned to him, following his voice, “Mom, Maryse Super-Businesswoman Lightwood would never let anyone rip her off,” Jace finished before eating some more.

“What are you even talking about? They sign the contract, they stop coming after a couple of days, they get paid a full year of salary.”

“Huh, huh,” Jace answered and Alec got a bit worked up as he waited for Jace to have some of his drink before continuing, “they come and meet you, they sign the contract, they stay for two months and then and only then, they get paid the full year, otherwise, they just get paid the days they worked. Mom hasn’t paid anyone a full year yet. People just don’t read the small print.”

Alec tapped the table with his fingers. That was information he didn’t have before and which made him see the whole thing under a different light, no pun intended. He resumed his meal and remained silent for the rest of it. Izzy, however, ignored Alec’s question about Magnus and Alec let it slide for another time. It wasn’t like he had treated the man in a way that could make him think differently. That was why he welcomed Izzy when she started talking about the new articles she’d been working on for the magazine. She was going to have a blast with all the designers’ clothes and makeup she was going to get from her latest stunt.

After they were done, he heard a chair moving and he realized it was Jace, then, he heard as his brother picked up the dishes and started filling up the dishwasher in the kitchen.

“You do remember I hate that thing, right?” Alec told him amused and the sound of Jace’s soft laughter warmed his heart.

“I know, but I don’t want to waste a lot of time,” the other answered as he came back to the table. 

“What are you talking about?” Alec asked curiously. “What’s going on?”

“I have a business trip for the next two weeks and I won’t be able to be here next week,” Jace began to explain and Alec just nodded. He had always known he inconvenienced his family in many ways. He always looked forward to these reunions, when he just relaxed and spent time with the ones he loved the most.

“That’s okay, brother, you gotta do what you gotta do,” his words gained him a kiss from Izzy who ran upstairs, most likely to the bathroom.

“I want you to promise me something, Alec,” Jace started once Izzy was no longer there.

“What is it?”

“Give this guy a chance. Mom is so hopeful and happy lately knowing he’s here,” Jace said, holding his hand, “she did a full background on him and she thinks he can be good for you, so, next time he tells you if you want to go for a walk, why don’t you say yes? See how it goes. You are in dire need of some sun, Bro,” Jace said and held his face moving it to the sides as if checking him.

Alec simply gave him a faint smile. He knew he wasn’t going to fall for Jace’s good intentions or anybody else’s. He was tired, too tired already of people trying to get in his life and dictate what he should do or not. He’d survived the past three years out of sheer will, and only because he hadn’t had a choice. He didn’t deserve to be alive or to enjoy life itself. He was just a coward holding onto something that wasn’t for him but like with everything else, he was good at it.

And this Magnus, his caretaker, well, he could keep his good intentions and clean background to himself. He didn’t need him anyway.

He gave Jace a quick nod and smiled when Izzy was back, fluffy slippers and his clothes on for the smell of them.

Alec allowed them to take him to the living room and sit on the rug around the coffee table. He heard the sound of plastic wrap as it was torn and the smell of a brand new board game.

“What is that?” He asked and Izzy chuckled.

“Monopoly! And I’m so excited we’re going to play it again!”

Alec didn’t dare pop her precious bubble. The excitement in her voice gave away too much hope, so, he just followed them as they read the instructions and they passed him the cards with perfect Braille words in them. Jace guided his hand over the board and he was surprised by recognizing the old game under a new light. He smiled broadly for as long as the game lasted and enjoyed the wine Jace poured for them as they played and talked until very late that night.

Before going to bed with his siblings in tow, he decided he hated Magnus a bit more that day. Jace and Izzy were back to asking him to change the routine he had already set up for himself. He didn’t need someone to save him from a dull life, there was no salvation for him anyway. He didn’t deserve any.

Two months wouldn’t pass too fast, he knew. Magnus would stay and go and he just needed to put up with him, and once he was gone, his life could go back to normal.

As it should be.

 

***

 

The weekend had been good for Magnus. He’d met with Ragnor Fell, one of the closest people to him on Earth, and they had gone to an art exhibit. As soon as he’d stepped into the gallery, his skin had tickled out of sheer emotion. One day, he thought, he would be the one showing his most intimate feelings to the world through his art. The place had been a small gallery in Downtown Manhattan. Well-positioned, just for the connoisseurs. He’d strolled around with Ragnor, commenting here and there on the different pieces and how they could’ve come to live. A silly thing they both loved to do.

Sunday had been more uneventful. Magnus had talked to Catarina on the phone for what seemed hours and had even started watching a new German series streaming online. The suspense had been good and the drama even better. He had pushed away every dreary feeling he’d had about going back to Alec’s Lightwood house and had decided to let fate guide him.

The money was good, the environment although hostile on Alec’s part, had been nice—who wouldn’t love a brownstone like Alec’s, really—, and he’d already learned quite a bit. Alec was playing hard to get, though not in a romantic way, which he would never really consider, nope, and he did love challenges.

Catarina had put things into perspective for him. Isabelle Lightwood’s phone call on Friday had also gotten him thinking. Perhaps he’d been too hard judging the other. Heck, he couldn’t imagine what Alec must’ve felt when he couldn’t see anymore. As he looked at his hands while walking to Alec’s, he thought about what it would be like for him to lose his eyes. The thought of not being able to see his oil painting or being able to hold his sketchbook and even doodle was too much and he felt he needed to breathe. 

Magnus stopped for a second to regain his composure. No, he just couldn't imagine any of it. Besides, Isabelle’s words resonated in his head; Alec didn’t need anyone’s pity and that was something he could give. If anything, he already respected the guy. Had it been him in that situation, he doubted he would have been as successful at adapting to it as Alec had been.

He was still lost in his thoughts when he bought his usual coffee and pastries that morning while he was on his way. He’d put on his AirPods and had been listening to music as he walked inside the house. He didn’t call for Alec and didn’t go around looking for him. That morning, he went straight to the kitchen and sat to eat his breakfast there. He was thinking about going to Luke’s as soon as he could, maybe even call him when he got home when he noticed things were different. The dishwasher was full, something he hadn’t seen Alec use the week before, and the games and stuff he’d brought for him were out on the coffee table. 

It seemed as if everything had been used and he wondered if Alec had done it. He went around the living room picking up games and putting them back in their boxes. The Play-Doh was open but unused and he inhaled deeply when he brought one to his nose. He would always love the smell of it. He cleaned up a little, throwing pillows back on the couch and chairs. He finally put all the things back on the shelf. He had a bit of hope. Perhaps Alec had gotten it out to try them out.

He was sort of relieved.

Magnus heard laughter and noise coming from the stairs. He was finishing picking up the plastic wrapping paper from the floor when Alec walked into the parlor with a dark-haired woman who resembled Maryse Lightwood a bit too much, and a blond man in an expensive suit who was hugging Alec as they shared some sort of private joke among them. They were close, a little too close perhaps and Magnus wondered about the type of relationship they had.

“You must be Magnus, I’m Izzy,” she came to him and gave him a quick hug, “I’d love to get to know you, but I’m afraid I’ve got to go now. Jace?”

“Hi, Jace Lightwood. It’s a pleasure,” the blond man shook his hand and let it go almost at once. Magnus could only nod as he said a quick ‘you too’. He was surprised by how warm and comfortable they were and took notice of the smile that still lingered on Alec’s face. The love and care between them were evident and Magnus kept his distance as he saw them say their goodbyes. 

Isabelle approached him and gave him another hug before leaving, and soon they saw them disappear and when he turned to Alec his smile was gone and he was back to his grumpy self.

So much for hoping.

Magnus rolled his eyes and went about his own thing. He sat on the kitchen island and as he was finishing his coffee he noticed Alec was staring at somewhere in the kitchen. His face was a complete blank and he had no idea what the man must’ve been thinking. The warmth he’d witnessed just a few minutes ago was really gone. Alec seemed to have a switch that kept his warm self off most of the time. His attitude toward his siblings was a surprise to him, thought it probably shouldn’t have. Isabelle was a younger version of Maryse and blondie was as hot as Alec if just not as tall and well, blond.

And Alec was Alec and that only meant two could very well play the game. 

“I thought you’d decided not to continue the charade,” Alec spoke and Magnus stopped eating his pastry half way.

“Pardon me?” He managed to ask as he swallowed.

“I don’t need you here,” Alec said and Magnus dropped the rest of his food on the plate. “I don’t want you here.”

The statement took him by surprise regardless of the reason. Perhaps it was like that after all, too much was his middle name and Magnus knew it. 

“Well, too bad. So long as your mother wants me here, I’m not going anywhere,” Magnus responded without thinking, “and you’d better get on a more approachable mood, cuz it’s going to be a long time,” he said going back to his food.

Magnus heard Alec scoff and leave the room. He wondered what the other would do but he didn’t really mind. As Alec disappeared up the stairs, he finished cleaning up the house and putting the dishes away. The siblings had spent the weekend together—Isabelle had mentioned they were coming on Saturday—and that seemed to have had a good effect on Alec. Until he had arrived. Well, he was there on Maryse’s orders. 

Against Alec’s will nonetheless.

He checked his hands and noticed his nail polishing chipping. He promised to take care of it as soon as possible.

The morning passed by quickly and Magnus only noticed when Alec came to the kitchen. Magnus had spent the day in the parlor, sitting by the window as he read a humongous book on the History of Art. If he managed to go through it in the next two weeks, he could start writing the final draft of his dissertation. He just needed to check a few more things and he was ready to finish his last year and he was sure Dr. Gray, his thesis supervisor, would be pleased. He’d been on and off track for the past month while he finished the first part of his studies and the job hunting. Now, having found the job, and even at just one week at it, he was determined to find some stability. Whether he only lasted two months or more, he was going to work hard for it.

Magnus was going through the pages of his book when Alec walked through the door and toward the kitchen. He opened the dishwasher and Magnus could see his surprise when he didn’t find the dishes there. He saw Alec coming to the parlor, looking for the mess from the weekend most likely. 

“Did you clean up?”

“Huh huh,” Magnus answered and went back to his book. He was praying to any God that would hear him for him to keep his mouth shut. 

Magnus saw him walk around sideways. Alec went to the bookshelves and touched the back of the books that were there. He took one and as he was going out, he stopped at the threshold to the hallway and turned to Magnus.

“Thank you,” he said as he was finishing, and Magnus was in complete shock, the front door was opened and Maryse Lightwood strolled in, as if she were Naomi Campbell in her glorious days down a catwalk. 

“Boys! How are you?” Magnus lowered his eyes as the woman came to her son hugging him. This was something he hadn’t seen the first time they’d been there. Alec lowered his body to match his mom’s and hugged her back. That was new too. He buried his face against her hair and the sweet kiss the woman gave him. “Jace called me. It’s been a while since they’d stayed until Monday.” 

Alec nodded and let go of his mom and Magnus felt moved. This was definitely different from the usual Alec. It was even different from the first time they had shown up at his house and when he’d met him.

“We had fun, mom. It was good,” she cupped his face and removed the hair from his eyes. Magnus saw the tenderness in the gesture and left his book on the coffee table and stood up. He nodded at Maryse who had just turned at him as her driver and the maid he’d met at the Lightwood Penthouse the other day walked in with containers full of food and groceries. 

“Magnus! So good to see you here!” She came to him and offered him her hand and as he shook it, he took hers with both of his. 

“How are you, Maryse?” He greeted her and he could see the relief in her eyes. He took her in, all perfectly dressed, her hair with every strand in place, a more hopeful look in her eyes.

“I’m good Magnus, and I can see you both are too,” she chuckled as Alec rolled his eyes, “Jace told me what you did for Alec, bringing the games and the stuff, my children enjoyed them all weekend and I can’t thank you enough for that,” she whispered to him, even though he was certain Alec could hear her.

“Now, Alec look, here’s your food for the week. I’ve got you a couple of boxes of flavored coffee and the black you love so much and some tea, too. There’s fruit, and I even got you the Skittles and Starburst you love. Just be careful and don’t eat them all at once,” she was telling him and Magnus noticed how the maid opened the counter by the dishwasher and took all the empty Tupperware from the week. They, the maid and driver left as soon as they were ready and Maryse started putting everything in place. He came to her and offered to help and noticed how everything was perfectly labeled in Braille. 

The woman took her time organizing everything as she spoke to Alec about work and her own weekend. She was thrilled that Jace and Izzy had stayed until that day and even told Alec she might join them one day.

“Magnus, I brought some extra food so you can help yourself while you’re here,” she announced and Magnus smiled at her.

“Thank you, Maryse. I really appreciate it but I think I’m good with takeout and pastries,” he said and she lifted her hands in defeat.

“As you wish, but now you know. If you don’t eat it, Alec will have to, and I’m sure he’d be mortified if he gets fat.”

“It’s not like I’d see the difference in the mirror, mom.”

As Magnus noticed Maryse’s sudden sad reaction and Alec’s regret at his choice of words, he jumped to try and save the situation.

“Don’t worry, he’d make sure to buy a new treadmill by the end of the week,” he approached Maryse and went on, “now, I do have a few games to label, do you think you can teach me how?”

Maryse noticed what he was doing and showed him where she kept the Braille label maker at Alec’s place. She took her time showing him what she knew of Braille and Alec, probably ashamed a few feet from them, corrected her a couple of times. 

By the end of her visit, their mood was light again and Magnus had labeled the games and Play-Doh.

When it was time for Maryse to say goodbye, her driver walked in with a box. He left it on the kitchen island and waited for her to drive her back to her home.

“I’m leaving you some Krispy Kreme to snack on,” she hugged Alec inhaling his scent and Magnus noticed how the man turned a boy into his mom’s arms, “don’t eat them all in one seating.”

She came and shook Magnus’ hand and gave him a big smile which warmed his heart. Seeing how Maryse took care of her son made him feel nostalgic and grateful at the same time. Despite the hardships as he grew up, he was grateful he’d found Luke.

“Have a good day, Maryse,” he said, walking her to the front door.

“You too, Magnus,” she turned to look at him, “and thank you for looking after my boy. I know...it’s not easy, but I’m glad you’re still here.”

Magnus nodded and saw her leave, walking right after her driver who opened the door for her. He waited until the car was gone to get back into the house.

“You really have her charmed, don’t you?” Alec said from the bottom of the stairs. This was the hard part of the day. The moment he always dreaded but which was inevitable.

“What can I say, everybody loves me,” Magnus said on the sweetest tone he could manage at that time and he smirked, though Alec couldn’t see it.

“I don’t,” he retorted and crossed his arms over his chest.

“I know and I don’t really care,” Magnus rolled his eyes and shrugged.

“I don’t need you. When are you going to get it?” Alec gestured with his arm and his eyes became in a thin line in the same period of time as Magnus’ eyes widened.

“And when are you going to get that as long as she wants me here, I’m going to stay?” Magnus needed all his strength for not to burst out.

“Why? Why would you stay? I don’t need a caretaker! I’m not a child Magnus!” Alec spatted.

“Then stop acting like one!” He cried out, seeing Alec recoil and Magnus swallowed before he continued in a lower tone, “your mother loves you and cares for you. Your siblings just spent their weekend with you and if you could see beyond your condition, you’d realize that they love you so much they found someone to keep you company so that you don’t isolate yourself from the world. Because they care about you!”

“I still don’t need you.” Alec stepped forward.

At his words, Magnus stopped himself. That man was stubborn and he was damn if he was anything but stubborn himself. 

“You’re an idiot,”  Magnus said and waved him away before going back to the parlor and to his book.

 

Magnus’ mind was everywhere and nowhere on his way home, he almost missed his own building—he was so damn tired, not physically, only mentally—that it had just happened. He was wondering how other people’s mood could rub off on him. He had never been like this; he kind of felt depressed, somehow he didn’t see the beauty in the usual things anymore and he was thinking it was because he had to handle Alec’s behavior five out of seven days—damn, it was still only Monday. 

He stepped into the elevator, leaning against the wall, waiting, finding something weird after a couple of seconds.

“Man,” he breathed out and pressed the button that he had forgotten. 

The elevator started to move and Magnus dropped his head back against the wall, thinking about how he could bring himself back to his normal routine—maybe doing some crafts could do magic; he’d been immersed in books and research, and he needed to create something with his hands. Suddenly, sketching and doodling wasn’t doing the trick anymore. It wasn’t that. He needed more. He needed to feel creative and productive and not like he was just waiting for things to happen. 

Catarina had got him to think about how to do his job better and he was in a way. Having seen Maryse and the Lightwood siblings earlier that day had given him a certain reassurance, they were content with his work, even when Alec wasn’t. He just prayed that Catarina was right and he could crack  Alec’s tough shell. That’d definitely make his life so much easier.

Once he reached his front door and opened it, he really thought he’d gone crazy, his eyes probably playing tricks on him. He snorted and closed the door behind him, taking his shoes off.

“Good evening to you too,” he heard his friend’s voice, and he turned toward the the couch again—okay, maybe Raphael was really sitting there.

“Remind me to find a new spot to hide my spare key,” he said as he walked into the living room, falling on one of the armchairs, stretching his legs out, and placing his feet on the coffee table. 

“You haven’t answered my calls, and you know I don’t do texts and HeadTime—”

“FaceTime,” Magnus corrected his friend.

“Whatever,” Raphael made a face and waved Magnus away, “and stop sending me those invitations to Headbook—”

“Facebook,” Magnus closed his eyes and threw his head back on the top of the backrest. 

“Why can’t you just pick up that Facephone of yours?” Raphael asked matter-of-factly and Magnus started to laugh, his mouth wide open.

“It’s iPhone, Raph,” Magnus explained between laughs then continued when he calmed down, “and I’m a busy man, my friend dearest,” Magnus answered, trying to sound bored. 

“Babysitting? Cat told me,” Raphael snorted.

“Are you done?” Magnus lifted his head and made a face at his friend. “I totally need new friends,” he breathed out when he put his head back on the same spot.

“Actually, that’s exactly why I’m here,” Raphael started and Magnus lifted his head again—he made a mental note that his neck was going to be sore soon if he kept moving his head up and down like he was doing, then his mind was somewhere else and he the corner of his mouth curled up on a crooked smile. “Is that  _ that _ smile? It is, isn’t it?” Raphael asked, he probably noticed his changed expression—Magnus hated that Raphael knew him so well. 

“What smile?” Magnus asked, frowning like he didn’t know what the other was talking about.

“The ‘I’m thinking about sex’ smile of yours,” Raphael said flatly. Magnus made a mental note again that he really hated that Raphael knew him so well that he could read him, all in capital letters. 

“No,” he deadpanned, “and would you be so kind and spill what is the reason I have to handle your presence at this late hour of the day?”

Raphael puffed and fidgeted on the couch and Magnus knew it was going to be serious, so he arched a brow at him.

“I’ve set up you for a date,” Raphael had the same tone but Magnus could sense some pride underneath his voice too.

“I don’t have time for dating, Raph,” Magnus complained, “I don’t even have time to do my nail polish,” he added and he lifted his hands to check his fingernails.

“World’s biggest problems,” Raphael sighed in mockery.

“You know, you don’t have to be here,” Magnus arched a brow.

“So, this woman, her name is Dorothea and she’s a very kind one. She is a a teacher,” Raphael said, “a history teacher,” he added, nodding.

“So?” 

“So you’ll get along with her very well,” his best friend stated, giving him a knowing look.

“And how the hell do you know that?” Magnus bent forward. 

“I told her about you and she is interested in you,” Raphael stopped and his eyes went up to the ceiling, “and in your studies,” he shrugged. 

“You have to stop trying to set me up with every teacher or person with a mild interest in history or art who pops up in the gallery,” Magnus said annoyed.

“I only set you up with the beautiful ones,” he retorted and Magnus snorted.

“We don’t have the same taste, my friend,” Magnus commented.

“True, but still,” Raphael eyes were still locked in the ceiling and Magnus looked up to what he was staring but he couldn’t see anything.

“I’m not interested in her, I have to focus on my studies, and I also have to deal with Alec’s stubbornness everyday…” Magnus sighed.

“You have to have some fun, Magnus, you’re thirty,” Raphael looked back at Magnus this time.

“Duh,” Magnus rolled his eyes. “I still don’t look thirty, though,” Magnus leaned back and placed his elbow on the armrest, resting his head on his hand.

“Humm,” his friend only murmured.

“Don’t say that I don’t look younger than my age!” He raised his voice and frowned.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t change the fact that you now have one more X on you than this time last year, my friend,” Raphael arched an eyebrow. Why did Raphael have to be right all the time?

“Okay,” Magnus slapped his knees and stood up, “but if it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work,” he showed a forefinger to him, “and you promise to stop setting me up with people for good.”

“Fine, I’m just fulfilling my duty as your friend,” Raphael showed his hands as surrender and Magnus rolled his eyes, heading to the kitchen. 

“I need an exhibition in the gallery,” he shouted. 

“Forget it,” Raphael cried and Magnus heard the door slammed close and started to laugh.

After his friend left and Magnus calmed down from laughing and he started to think about his love life, which didn’t exist at the moment. He was aware of the fact that he was already thirty and the clock was ticking on the opposite direction but damn, he was so glad that after everything that had happened with Camille he could focus and pay attention to his studies. And it had been five years now. He really should start dating again and put aside the shitty excuses he always came up with as to why he just couldn’t—not that studying would have been a shitty excuse and he always considered art as his first love, giving reasons to Camille to throw all of his paintings off the balcony—he shook his head to force the bad memories to go away. 

At any rate, Magnus thought that he deserved to be happy and it would be great to come home after a tiring day with Mr.-I-avoid-you-as-much-as-I-can and have a nice dinner—dinner, he thought and opened the fridge to look for something to eat—with someone, cuddling on the couch, watching a TV show or a movie. He was fine with his life but having someone to love and to be loved by that someone would make his life more colorful. And he knew that he needed to go on dates, getting to know people, taking the risk of a heartbreak to achieve his life goals regarding his personal life—getting married, having kids, getting old with the love of his life.

And Magnus knew, there might be a chance this history teacher might be the one and maybe Raphael—and he hated to admit it—was right and they would click and Magnus was going to fall in love with her. Or maybe not. However, Magnus could go on a date and increase his social life level which, truth be told, had been on a new low in the last couple of months. 

Noticing his fridge was almost empty, he decided to do some groceries and cook something for himself. He could make some extra food so he could bring some leftovers the next day and in that way he wouldn’t have to slip out of the house to grab some lunch—and he would never eat Alec’s premade food. Not that he didn’t trust Maryse’s cooking skills. Well, he could actually imagine the woman could have been great at cooking. However, limits were limits.

After getting the groceries, he ended up making a spinach lasagna with mozzarella and plenty of ricotta. He served the food on a plate, inhaling the cheesy scent and he ate it on the balcony with a glass of fine wine. He packed some food in a container after finishing his dinner and snorted as he put it into the fridge; again, Alec Lightwood popped up into his mind unwittingly. Why? Why couldn’t he just enjoy his evening without any mood killer thoughts? 

He refilled his glass again and went back to the balcony, lounging there as he drank it with long and slow sips, letting the liquid take over the taste in his mouth.

 

***

 

Alec was lying on the couch in the living room, his head resting on the armrest. He heard Magnus was busy with some art related things according to the sound of the turning pages and a pencil against paper. He found his house had become his caretaker’s study or personal library, as it was serving him for whatever he was currently doing, but he didn’t care. As long as he didn’t have to interact with him, he was fine with whatever the other wanted to do.

He stood up quickly when he heard the doorbell, something he had been expecting. He heard Magnus stopped his work as he walked to the entrance hall to open the door for his therapist. 

“I’m so glad knowing that you are waiting so excitedly for my arrival, Alec,” Lydia said immediately as he greeted her and Alec rolled his eyes.

“Why do you think I was waiting for you?” he asked flatly.

“Stop rolling your eyes, save it for the exercises,” she said, “now let me in.”

Alec snorted and stepped out of the way, so Lydia could come inside. He heard the clicking of her high heels as she made her way toward the dining room. She always went to place her medical bag on the table. Alec quickly closed the door and followed her when he realized that Magnus was also there.

“Oh, I didn’t know you had a friend here, Alec,” she said as Alec entered the living room, trying to define where the others could be, so he slowed down his pace and went around the dining table.

“He is not a friend,” Alec said.

“Oh,” Lydia said and Alec heard a chair moving not so far.

“I’m Magnus, Alec’s caretaker,” Magnus said and Alec could tell that he was across the table in front of him, according to his voice.

“A caretaker?” Lydia’s voice seemed surprised, “I’m Dr. Lydia Branwell, Alec’s therapist. Nice to meet you, Magnus.”

“Nice to meet you, Dr. Branwell,” Magnus said politely.

“Well, I’m here to make Alec exercise his eyes and neck,” she said and Alec rolled his eyes, throwing his head back, “but sometimes I feel useless here, I bet you can relate, am I right, Magnus?” She asked and Alec made a face to where she supposed to be standing—Alec had gotten to know Lydia very well in the last three years and he knew how she could be and Alec wasn’t going to let her make fun of him in front of his caretaker. “So, you can call me Lydia,” she added.

“Thank you,” Magnus said in a lower voice.

“You seem quite different from the other caretakers I’ve met before,” she said.

“What do you mean?” Magnus asked. 

“Yeah, what do you mean, Lydia?” Alec frowned, hearing her laughter after that.

“I’m not quite sure,” she answered between laughs, “but I definitely have to send Maryse a flower basket,” she added when she calmed down. What the hell was with this Magnus guy that everyone around Alec was falling head over heels for him? It just made him hate the man more.

“Can we just start before you start drooling nonstop?” Alec asked and offered her his hand.

“He is such a gentleman,” Lydia said and Alec felt the handle of her bag on his palm when he heard Magnus’ snort and his grip grew tighter around it as he pressed his teeth together. Alec turned on his heels and started to walk, heading down to the ground floor. 

Lydia was one of the very few people who didn’t annoy him that much—even though she loved to share her opinions and didn’t get offended when Alec commented on them. She could even retort to him and she could do it in kind. Alec could say that Lydia was close to him, not as much as a real friend but she was indeed more a friend than a therapist. He knew it was a strange thing to say but Lydia had been one of the few people outside his family who he could see as close to him. She came to see him every two weeks to check Alec’s eye movement control, eye coordination, contrast sensitivity, and perception since they didn’t receive any effect from the outside world. And his eyes should work properly if only for the neck injury which had caused the sight loss. The problem was in his brain, not in his eyes. 

Alec heard Lydia’s footsteps as she followed him downstairs, then to the gym slash laundry room. He walked to the bench and left her bag on it. 

“Where did your mother find this Magnus guy, Alec? On a model site?” She asked and Alec heard when she closed the door.

“What? No! I mean, I don’t know. I hope not. Why?” Alec said in a higher tone, he was confused, he didn’t really know what Lydia meant.

“The guy looks like a Greek God! How old is he? Twenty-four? Twenty-five? He is studying, right? I saw books on the table,” she said without taking a break and her tone sounded excited, but Alec arched a brow at her direction.

“He is thirty,” Alec started and sat down on the bench next to Lydia’s bag, he couldn’t continue when she interrupted him. 

“Thirty? No way! And he’s still studying?” Her voice was very close and then he heard she started to rummage her bag.

“Yeah, he is about to do his Ph.D.,” Alec said in a low voice, “Fine Arts,” he added flatly.

“Smart and good-looking. Why am I married?” She sounded like she was talking more to herself than Alec. He heard she turned her light on. “Open wide,” she ordered and Alec felt her hand under his chin.

“What does he look like?” Alec asked, he wasn’t curious, he was only confused as to why his mother and Lydia were so taken by Magnus.

“You know there are ways for you to figure that out. Left,” she said and Alec looked to the left. 

“I’m not gonna change my mind about the caretaker or because of him,” Alec retorted.

“Okay,” Lydia only whispered, “to the right now,” 

“So?” Alec pulled back.

“So what?” Lydia let Alec’s chin go.

“What does he look like?” He asked again and Lydia started laughing, her voice echoing in the place.

“You can figure it out yourself,” she said. “Move left and right. I’ll tell you when to stop.”

“I don’t know, maybe you haven’t noticed but I can’t actually see,” Alec said sarcastically.

“Yup, but you can talk. Ask him to describe himself,” she advised and Alec rolled his eyes. “Did I tell you to roll your eyes?”

“I’m not that curious,” Alec shrugged.

Alec noticed Lydia was silent and decided not to continue asking her questions. He knew her opinion well and it had affected him before, it was one of the reasons for him to learn how to be independent. Lydia had this very defined idea that because you have lost an ability in life, it didn’t mean your life was over. One of the reasons for her to become a doctor and eventually a therapist. To help people get on with their lives.

“Are you using the eye-drops everyday, Alec?” Lydia asked and Alec nodded. “Hum, okay, but from tomorrow on, I want you to use three drops in each eye instead of two,” she ordered.

“Okay,” Alec agreed and Lydia became busy with her bag again.

“Aw, I love summer. Fewer clothes, more skin,” she whispered under her nose.

“What?” Alec turned to her immediately.

“Nothing,” she answered immediately, “How is your neck nowadays? Have you had any migraines? Anything out of the ordinary?”

“Apart from the caretaker, I’m fine,” Alec said annoyed and showed a forced smile.

He heard Lydia sigh and braced himself. This wasn’t the common I’m tired or I’m just starting a long day sigh. This was Lydia being annoyed. By him, nonetheless.

“You need to stop and the sooner you do it, the better it’d be for you, Alec.”

He listened to her voice, the authoritarian tone of her voice, the way she had brought a chair from the office just a few steps away from them. She was now sitting in front of him who hadn’t moved from the bench. 

“Lydia, I…”

“No, Alec. Honestly, out of all the patients I’ve had, I would’ve said you would be the successful one, the one who was going to reclaim his life and make something out of it. You’ve lost a lot, more than most, but you’re not the only one who lost anything. Your family has lost you in more ways than you can imagine and they care enough to want someone to look after you. Someone who doesn’t know you, someone who wouldn’t be biased and who wouldn’t pity you. You’re just too stubborn to admit you crave for company or need any help.”

“Lydia, you’re out of line here,” he answered uncomfortably. This was it. The part of his life he didn’t deal with. He wouldn’t allow his mother or siblings to intervene like this. He barely spoke to his father anymore. He hated this.

“No, I’m not. I’ve been your therapist for three years, I know your whole medical and personal history and you have confided in me in many ways. I know what I’m talking about, I’m just too respectful to push further than I already have. You need friends, socializing, if not like you used to, at least to a minimum. You need to go out, get some sun, listen to something besides Billie Holiday all day. You need someone to look after you without expecting more than you could give but also without giving up. But you’re too blind to see it and I don’t mean this as a pun. You lost your eyesight, yes but it also seems as if you’ve lost your common sense and your sensitivity towards others.”

Alec didn’t answer back. He just stayed there, annoyed and a bit ashamed. It had been a long time since she had last lectured him. 

“I still don’t need a caretaker, Lydia.”

“You keep telling yourself that Alec and it might become true one day. There’s so much I can say but for today, I’ll stick to what I came here to do. It’s clear you don’t care enough about yourself and I need to make sure things just continue working.”

“How can you say that, Lydia. I eat at my hours, I get my eye drops, I read, and listen to music…”

“And you are still a recluse, and you hate people around you who are not family or doctors like me, and you’re determined to die as you live. Good job on that, by the way.”

“How did it come to this? I just said that apart from the caretaker I was fine.”

“Exactly like that. I saw a man out there who’s been willing to do his job and who looks exactly like the good old Gods must’ve looked like, and you just refuse to get to know him.”

“I can’t see him,” he spat annoyed.

“You can get to know him. If the personality matches the looks, then you’re missing out on a lot, my dear Alec. And that would totally be your fault.”

“Lydia…” he started but she cut him off.

“It’s okay Alec. I’ve learned that with you is a step forward and two backward and that’s okay. I’m not here to judge you. I just wish I could talk some sense into you so that you finally go back to being the great human being I know you are.”

“And who told you I was a great human being and not this you have in front of you?” He grimaced, hurt. She didn’t know him before the accident. Lydia was just talking from the wishful thinking that came from wanting to help others. She had always wanted to save him. Everybody was trying to save him even from himself and nobody realized he didn’t need any saving. There was none for him.

“Your eyes, Alec. Your eyes.”

He couldn’t say anything to that and they continued the session in silence.

 

***

 

Magnus really should have checked Alec’s schedule the previous day—which, by the way, had been synchronized with his calendar on his iPhone—, or at least in the morning before picking out today’s outfit. If he had known he was going to meet Alec’s therapist, he wouldn’t have chosen the shortest shorts he had—and damn, he had even rolled up the legs to his mid-thighs—and he probably wouldn’t have chosen that brown-orange-turquoise-yellow mosaic patterned tank top which was open on the sides showing his ribs with no shame and whose neck was so low that it showed a tad more skin than usual from his chest—like a lot. 

The only decent clothes he was wearing were his rhinestone customized black high Converse sneakers, he realized as Alec’s therapist, Lydia, trailed her eyes on him from head to toe and back. But it really didn’t seem as if Magnus’ lack of clothing had bothered her. She had something in her eyes, something odd—and not the flirty kind of odd he received sometimes—but more as if she’d found in him she might have been looking for. Well, he knew he was well-shaped, thanks to Luke. His adoptive father had forced him to learn self-defense since he was a teenager and he had ended up learning the art of Krav Maga. Also, Luke as ‘the man of gift ideas’ he was, gave him yearly gym passes every Christmas, not that he minded, at least he could spend more time with him, having nice chats while lifting weights in switched series.

And Magnus had kind of liked Lydia, mostly because she teased Alec mercilessly and the face Alec made every time was priceless. How much funnier was it when Magnus wasn’t the object of Alec’s annoyance and somehow Alec didn’t act half as rude to her as he did to Magnus. And somehow, very deep inside, Magnus felt a tiny little hope that maybe one day Alec was going to open up to him as well—he had a feeling Lydia was a new person in Alec’s life since the accident, not a friend of his who was actually a therapist and ended up taking care of Alec’s health—so, if he continued, maybe one day he was going to get results for his efforts as well. 

Magnus snorted when thoughts came up to him, wondering how much time she had needed to accomplish that. She had probably been his therapist for a while now, maybe he hadn’t been such an ass a year ago, or two, so she could have had a better start with him. Only God knew…The only thing he was sure of was that Alec wasn’t a friendly person right at the moment.

And to be honest, he hated that all his thoughts were about Alec and his real personality. When he didn’t talk, when he wasn’t rude, when he didn’t show his annoyed expression somehow Magnus found him… Found him what? He couldn’t describe it, he had no words. His personality was like an abstract painting—you could see black and white, or you could see colors; you could see lines or smudges, or simply splodges on a  canvas and you could only guess what it was about but only the painter knew the exact answer to that question. Magnus could guess but he knew he would never have the right answer to that because Alec was—well, probably he, himself didn’t know either.

Magnus sighed and sat back at the dining table and continued reading his book about the Russian avant-garde movement, which funnily enough matched his thoughts from a moment ago. This, he mused, was not only overly interesting but beautiful. He was taken aback by the pictures and how the old and new Russian styles collided from the end of the nineteenth and mid twentieth centuries met in unison. Right now, as he read about the Abstract art of Kandinsky, he realized how he had connected the two topics. His train of thought took him to Russia and with it, he felt a pang in his heart. 

His wanderlust, the one he kept in check, came crashing hard on him. There were so much art and history and places to visit and things to be awed by in the world, that he wouldn’t have a life long enough to visit it all.

First Italy, as soon as he finished his studies, then, the world.

He pressed the home button on his iPhone to check the time when he heard Lydia’s laughter suddenly coming from the ground floor. Magnus put his bookmark on the page where he left his reading and waited as he was listening to her high heels clicking on the stairs. They had been down for more than an hour and Magnus was thinking about what they were doing exactly. Magnus looked at the entrance hall’s way as she appeared there with a smile on her face. 

“Magnus, would you walk me out?” She asked and winked at him. Magnus glanced at Alec who rolled his eyes and remained silent as he headed to the kitchen.

Lydia raised her brows, waiting for Magnus’ reply. 

“Sure, of course,” he said and stood up from the table, walking to her. 

Lydia turned on her heels and went to the front door confidently, opening it. Magnus followed her until they reached a fancy red Audi, which was parked near the sidewalk. The trunk opened automatically and she placed her medical bag into it, turning to Magnus with the same smile after she closed the trunk. 

“Don’t let him get under your skin, Magnus,” she said and crossed her arms over her chest. Magnus didn’t know what to say, luckily the woman continued, “he eats caretakers for breakfast. I really hope I’m gonna see you next time, though,” she ended.

“That bad, huh?” He asked and she nodded looking at the parlor’s window. He noticed how she took a deep breath.

“His accident was pretty traumatic on many levels, we’ve made progress but we still are very far away from a full recovery, has he told you about it?” She asked back.

As he shook his head, she nodded.

“I thought so,” she looked at her shoes, without uncrossing her arms. “Listen, it’s not my place to give you any details so I won’t. All I’m just going to say is be patient and don’t give up on him. He’s a good guy and something terrible happened to him. He is hurting, he is grieving and probably won’t ever stop. Give him space and time and keep your glittery awesome self around. He needs more colors and fun in his life and if you’re still here, then there’s probably more good to come.”

Magnus took her words in.  Another woman in Alec’s life telling him to not give up on him, thrilled because he was still there, and completely okay with what he could bring to the table in spite of his lack of experience in the field.

“Thank you,” he said and walked with her to the driver’s door. “I’ll make sure to check his schedule, I didn’t really know you were coming today.”

“It’s okay, just remind him to do his exercises and put in his drops every day.”

“He’ll be so excited about it…” he took a deep breath.

“Just tell him. He’s got a tough shell, but it’ll crack, you’ll see,” she patted him on the arm and got in her car. Magnus thanked her and watched her drive away. Again, the tough shell analogy and he wondered if all these women weren’t talking to one another behind his back.

He was back in the house and Alec was in the kitchen making himself some coffee. Since Magnus knew he wasn’t going to offer, he went to the fridge and got out a bottle of water he’d put there in the morning.

“That doesn’t sound like anything from here,” Alec said as he heard the click of the bottle and it caught Magnus off guard. He knew his hearing was good but had no idea it was that good.

“Just a gym water bottle of mine,” Magnus answered before sitting back to continue his task. He opened the book his notepad again to take some notes.

“Not writing today?” Alec asked in an unaffected way and Magnus sighed.

“I don’t write here, I just work on my little pieces of arts and do the reading for my masters’ dissertation.”

“Sounds serious.”

“It is. At least to me.”

A small silence lingered in the air as Magnus took the sight of Alec in. He was standing by the big windows leading to a garden he’d never really visited, or Alec for that matter, and the light coming through gave Alec an angelic glow. His eyes shone brightly and he wondered what color they were as they usually changed from his perspective and depending on where Alec was standing. There were times when they looked hazel, others, where they could glow with an impossible green and some, when they were darker and unfathomable. And with whatever little he knew of this man, he most certainly made them change at will.

Magnus chuckled, shook his head and got back to the book. It was still early and he’d planned on having lunch—the delicious leftovers from his veggies lasagna from last night— and just draw in the afternoon. He had to remember to go to his favorite art supply store and restock his oil paintings and brushes.

As he was used already to Alec doing everything by himself, he just let him do so, although he did glance at him sideways. Alec moved around the kitchen as if he were in his own element and wasn’t surprised when he sat on the island.

“Voice Over On,” he heard Alec say.

**< Voice over on> **

The iPad beeped and they both went on with their own thing.

 

As noon arrived, Alec had been gone for a while and Magnus felt tired already. He was going to have to start carrying his reading glasses again as the amount of material augmented. He’d received an email from Dr. Gray recommending some other books for him to read and was glad he was about to receive his first paycheck to get them. It had been easy money as far as physical work but his mental state had suffered from the roller coaster that was Alec Lightwood.

Not the kind of ride he would’ve imagined with a guy who looked like him, but still. 

He stood up and took his food out of the fridge. His water bottle was almost empty by then and he realized that if he wanted to survive in this house, he had to bring his own groceries at some point. Upsetting Alec wasn’t an option for him and he’d be glad to have some normalcy, so he started to take mental notes of what he might need.

He went around the kitchen looking for pans and spatulas and found that it actually was well equipped. He could even bring ingredients to make his own meals there, after all, he’d already been thinking about getting groceries, so he might as well. 

He could even annoy Alec by learning how to spell his name in Braille and put it all over the stuff in the bridge. Nah, it was too mean and just his being there already kept the tall man on edge. Not his intentions, but what to do.

He took his phone out and looked for his music playlists. Mygo’s Stir Fry started playing and he waited for his food to warm up in the oven. He hated using the microwave, for health reasons,  he told himself, and took the time so that it didn’t get burned.

He was in a happy mood. The day was warm and the breeze was keeping it cool. He looked at the windows leading to the garden and realized he’d never seen them open. There was air conditioning in the house and was sure it even had a heating system for the colder months, but still; who wouldn’t love some fresh air here and there. He shook his head as he ate and played with his Music app as he shuffled from one song to the next. 

Magnus had his mouth full of food when he noticed Alec walking into the kitchen, he went straight to the fridge and got his own food out. He put it in the microwave and waited for it to be warm enough.

“I like what you guys did with the house and the labeling. Was it hard to get used to it?” He managed to ask and wasn’t completely caught off balance when Alec came with a sassy remark. Being rude was definitely an only-Alec-trait.

“Why do you care?” The other asked at the same time the microwave beeped and he took his food out.

“My bad, sometimes I forget you are off limits to people,” Magnus said as he finished his food and took the plates to the sink to rinse them. “You know what? You’re right, I don’t really care.”

Magnus walked off the kitchen and towards the bathroom on the upper floor to wash up and brush his teeth leaving Alec with another remark perhaps ready to come out his lips. 

He was suddenly no longer in a good mood.

 

Magnus checked his phone as soon as he made it home. He found a text message from Raphael reminding him to contact Dorothea for their date and Magnus shrugged. That day, he was actually looking forward to it. He needed the distraction and honestly, why not? 

He texted Raphael back and was glad when he came out of the shower to sit in front of the TV and looked for the a new series on the online streaming service. He went to his account and scanned the channels until he decided to settle down for a new fantasy show featuring warlocks, vampires, werewolves, and Nephilim. He remembered his years in his major when they went through religious iconology and remembered the story of the sexy Lucifer two brothers had sculpted at some point in time.

Magnus smiled as he paused the show, got some snacks to munch on, and got his phone back out.

“Dorothea Rollins 212-159-7534,” he muttered and sent her a simple message before hitting play again. 

**_Hi, Dorothea, it’s Magnus. I got your number from Raphael Santiago._ **

The show started and he was actually enjoying it. He liked the first Nephilim guy on the screen, with the dark looks and the smug face. He looked like the fictionalized version of Alec, sassy and grumpy. Hot as hell, too, but looks can only do so much for someone. 

**_Hi, Magnus! Yes, Raphael has told me about you. How are you?_ **

No emojis or chat talk, strange for a girl. So, Raphael had told her about him, he knew that but wondered what else he might have said. She asked how he was doing. Brownie points for Ms. Dorothea.

**_Goodie, goodie. So, Raphael told me something about a dinner? Would tomorrow be okay? I know it’s in the middle of the week, and it’s OK if you can’t._ **

He kept watching the show and was in the middle of the second episode, annoyed by blondie and his full of himself behavior when he got another text.

**_Tomorrow is fine. Shall I call you at noon and we can arrange where to meet?_ **

**_Sure. You’ve got my number._ **

**_Sure do :D Bye_ **

Magnus was unimpressed but there wasn’t much to tell about someone from just text messages much less when you were strangers who were going to meet on a date which was set up by a mutual friend. He saved her number in his contact list and called it a night. He still had a few things saved for Alec’s entertainment and now couldn’t wait for the next day to arrive. 

And he still had to do his damn nails.

 

***

 

Alec was sitting at the kitchen island, having breakfast when he heard as Magnus slammed the door closed the next morning and quickly pressing his code on the security board—Alec was wondering if he had memorized the twelve-digit already—, he took another bite from his breakfast and rolled his eyes as the guy kept coming back, day after day, and he really didn’t know when he was going to finally give up and stop messing up Alec’s already ruined life.

Alec heard Magnus’ quick footsteps, tossing things on the dining table which sounded like his bag and some other stuff, paper bags perhaps but perhaps not, and Alec shrugged as he lifted his coffee to his mouth to sip of it, trying to ignore the other man’s arrival.

“Good morning. I have an excellent idea for today, and hopefully, your creative mind will like it, Alexander,” Magnus said cheerfully from the dining room and Alec almost choked on his coffee as he heard his full name for the second time since he’d met the guy.

“You don’t say,” Alec commented under his nose, expecting Magnus to reveal his hilarious idea to shake up his day. After his outburst the day before, Alec was certain Magnus would just leave him alone but what did he know about this guy other than he was relentless. One night away and he was back as if nothing had happened.

Alec heard him busy at the dining table with the stuff he had brought on that beautiful Wednesday morning—at least Alec thought it was going to be beautiful if only Magnus did not show up—. 

“We’re gonna make some jewelry,” Magnus announced and Alec’s eyes widened as he stayed motionless, staring at nothing in front of him. This guy was insane and Alec felt the urge to call his mother after finishing his breakfast and giving her any lame excuse in the book to fire this guy. “I’ve brought all the stuff we need to make necklaces and bracelets. I’ve got beads, thread, lines, wire, charms, feathers, tassels, glitter,” Alec heard that he was probably unpacking them from the paper bag, according to its sound against the table, “and some other stuff for doing some DIY jewelry,” he added, his voice was still cheerful in an annoying way which only made his idea even worse. “And if you are brave enough and are willing to take the risk, you can go with rings but if you’ve never done this, I suggest to go with neckla—”

“Are you fucking serious?” Alec cut him off because enough was enough.

“Yeah, I certainly am fucking serious,” Magnus retorted, “I’ve been thinking you might’ve found the other things boring, at least sufficiently boring to play with  _ me _ . So I’ve thought you might like to do this. We don’t even have to talk to each other, we can sit in silence and just let our creative minds spread their wings and let them fly,” Magnus added and Alec was wondering how he could be so cheerful. He could even imagine the guy moving his arms as if he were flying.

Alec said nothing, he tried to process all that Magnus just told him, standing up from the stool, going to the counter and placing his plate and mug into the sink. He ripped a piece from the paper towel roll and wiped his mouth, throwing the used paper into the trash bin. 

“Are you excited? Can’t wait to begin, huh?” He heard Magnus footsteps getting closer and he turned around. 

“Yeah,” Alec turned on his heels, trying to look to the direction where the footsteps were coming from. 

“Really?” Magnus asked on higher and surprised voice.

“No,” Alec answered flatly and headed to his bedroom. 

Once he made himself comfortable in his bed, he grabbed a book from the nightstand and started reading it at the spot where he’d left it last time. After a while, he noticed that his finger was in the same spot. He closed the book and rubbed his face roughly with his palms. He couldn’t deal with Magnus’ ideas—What was next? Crocheting? 

He didn’t know how much time he spent in his bedroom, laying on his bed, staring at the darkness on the ceiling when his stomach rumbled but he didn’t go downstairs right then. He wasn’t ready for Magnus yet, he was probably going to try to convince him again to do that stupid jewelry craft thing. He started to think that maybe he should pay the guy himself to leave for good as he made his way down to the kitchen.

Much to his surprise, Magnus didn’t say a word to him as he passed by the dining table, hearing he was busy with his jewelry making or whatever it was he was doing. Alec heard him pouring beads in a bowl, and other noise he couldn’t identify—well, none of his previous caretakers made any jewelry in his dining room before, so he really didn’t have time to differentiate one sound from the other or whether things were being poured or threaded. 

But Alec could tell that Magnus was quite busy with his DIY jewelry—why was he thinking about that word that much?—thing, he sighed, he hummed, he murmured but said no word. Well, at least one of them was obviously having some fun.

After lunch, Alec went back to his room and he could finally manage to read his book. He needed to wait for at least two hours before going to run. He missed running in the morning and he really didn’t feel like skipping his workout routine. He was going to be tired enough for the evening and wasn’t going to have any problems with his sleep.

After he spent forty minutes on the treadmill and did some cardio workout, he was on his way up from the ground floor when he smelled something strange and he wrinkled his nose to the unpleasant scent. He was wondering if Magnus was still busy with his jewelry making thing and this smell was coming from a thing he had used. 

“What is that smell?” He asked, passing by the dining room, heading to the kitchen to make a protein shake for himself.

“What smell?” Magnus asked, his voice sounded like he wasn’t paying attention to him.

“That poignant smell,” Alec said, taking a shaker out of the cupboard, placing it on the counter, “I could smell it all the way from downstairs,” he added, not hiding the bitterness in his voice. He flicked the plastic bag to shake the dose of protein powder off the bottom of the bag, ripping the edge off and then pouring it into the shaker.

“Oh, that smell,” Magnus answered and Alec rolled his eyes.

“Yes,  _ that _ smell,” Alec shouted from the kitchen as he filled the shaker with water. 

“It might be either the nail polish or the polish remover I’m using,” he heard Magnus and Alec’s eyebrows went up to the middle of his forehead, almost overflowing the shaker. 

“What are you doing with those?” He asked, twisting the top on the shaker, checking it twice above the sink to make sure he did it right—he never wanted his strawberry flavored shake to end up on the wall because of a top that wasn’t properly closed. 

“This might surprise you but people mostly do their fingernails and toenails with them,” Magnus answered. 

“And you’re doing that now? Your own nails?” Alec asked confused, going to the dining room. 

“Yup,” Magnus answered and now Alec could realize that he was focused on his work now. 

Alec was shaking the bottle after he stood somewhere midway, leaning against the wall.

“Why?” He asked. 

“Because I love them painted,” Magnus whispered, “it goes with my personality.”

Alec screwed the cap of the shaker and drank from it, trying to process the information he just got. So, he was a God-like man—according to Lydia—who painted his nails.

“What color?” He asked just before sipping his drink, licking his lips. If he said bright pink he wouldn’t stop laughing at him. 

“Black,” Magnus answered and Alec still could tell that his attention was on his work, he was sure the other man wasn’t even looking at him. Black, he’d said. Was this guy one of those Goth people out there who were always dressed in black regardless of the hour of the day? His curiosity just went up a notch.

“What do you look like?” Alec slipped out, his therapist words echoing in his mind as he tried to not judge a book by its cover. Not like he could see the cover, but well, he thought he could just ask.

“Me? I look fabulous,” he answered in his usual tone and with a little pride in it. Alec could sense that he probably answered on reflex from the familiarity. He could almost hear the “darling” lost somewhere in there. He blinked a couple of times, maybe he shouldn’t bother Magnus while he was busy. 

“I mean, your hair color? How tall you are. Stuff like that,” Alec said but he didn’t get an answer in the same short time as before. He started to listen to anything he could catch as his eyes moved everywhere, but he heard nothing; maybe an ‘oh’—he wasn’t sure—but then Magnus cleared his throat. 

“I...I…well, my hair is black; raven black actually, I’m 5’ 11”, he said hesitantly, “I’m Asian,” he added. 

“Asian? Where are you from then?” Alec asked immediately. 

“My mother was from Indonesia, I was born in the States though,” he answered.

“Oh,” Alec was at a loss for words. He had no idea of Magnus heritage. “That’d make you Asian American, no?”

“You had to be one of those,” Magnus said and Alec could distinguish the amusement in his voice. “Regarding what you said, yes, I guess I am.”

“One of those?” Alec asked, his curiosity suddenly sparked by Magnus’ statement.

“The people who like accuracy and can’t stand a term not being properly used, pronounced, or spelled,” Magnus continued, “one of those.”

Alec chuckled and hid his smile behind the shaker as he drank some more.

“What else?”

“What else what?”

“What are you wearing?” He kept asking. There was another silence and he heard as if Magnus were thinking what to say.

“Hum, I’m wearing black studded Converse, which I love and wear in summer, a teal buttoned shirt, which I had to fight someone for, and dark shorts, I meant the heat...uff,” Alec imagined him looking at himself trying to explain his clothes to him. Then Magnus moved in his chair from the sounds of it and Alec heard him blowing something, probably his nails to get them dry. “This shirt is one of my favorites. I found it on sale at Macy’s and I was ready to fight the guy who tried to take it from me. It was the last one there was, you know?” Alec could hear the excitement in the man’s voice. “You should’ve been there, Alec! I gave that man a look that clearly told him he wasn’t going to take that shirt from me!” 

“Are you wearing anything else? I remember you wore rings the first time I met you.”

“Do you really have time?” Magnus asked him and he simply answered with a ‘carry on’ into the shaker that got Magnus started. “I’ve got a square silver ring with an M on it engraved in elegant cursive on my right ring finger. I found it on a Flea Market many years ago. I’ve got a round obsidian silver ring on my right index, I love the beautiful craftsmanship around the stone. I also have a plain silver ring on my left pinky finger and a big polished silver orb on my left index. I’ve even got a cuff on my left ear…”

“A what?” Alec scoffed and Magnus seemed to gasp in horror. A sign that he was as dramatic about that kind of stuff as Izzy was. Alec nodded trying to hide his own amusement. Finding similar traits between this man and Izzy wasn’t something he thought possible.

“An ear cuff, you know those, right? Well, I have a few that I like to change every day and I love wearing them. The one I’m wearing today is a silver cobweb one.”

“You’re out of your mind, you know that, right?”

“Why? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you just tried to be nice.”

Alec heard him continue with his own thing. He heard a bit of hesitation on Magnus part but he chose not to fall for the bait and answer back. The conversation hadn’t been half as bad as he thought it could’ve turned and he was honest to himself, the man had a good tone of voice, he must’ve been good at keeping a conversation going. That could have been a thing that his mother had been caught in, he thought.

“I just can’t believe you like to wear all that jewelry, much less an ear cuff.”

“Well, and I haven’t even told you about my bracelets and necklaces,” Alec could hear the pride in his voice. 

“So, you’re one of those.”

“Those what?”

“Those eccentric Art students.”

“Oh no, I’m  _ the _ most eccentric Art student you’ll find. I’m  _ that _ special.”

At his laugh, Alec hurried to drink his shake. There it was again, the pride—the good kind, he mused—the love for what he did. He didn’t remember meeting someone like him. If there was something he could say about his caretaker was that he was a man of focus. Every day he was doing something different, Alec was sure now. He could smell the books, the paper, the pencils as he sharpened them. 

Everyone around him liked Magnus Bane, his caretaker.

“Why are you doing your nails anyway? Don’t have enough time to go to a salon?” Alec asked, curious at the strong smell of the nail polish.

“Ah that, no, I usually go on the weekends and get them done, I just...I’m...I’m going out tonight, and well, I want to look my best.”

Going out? That was quite the development, Alec thought. He straightened himself, realizing he had gotten comfortable enough talking to him that he’d been leaning against the wall all this time.  

Damn! He’d allowed Lydia’s words and Maryse, Izzy, and Jace’s acceptance of the caretaker to get into his head. He’d wanted to prod and had asked. He wanted to get to know, well, he’d already been curious about what that Bane guy looked like and his curiosity had been somehow satisfied. Asian American, tall—not as much as him—but tall enough. He had enjoyed listening to his voice, although he would never accept that to anyone. The man seemed to be great. He didn’t know what he was expecting. Of course, the caretaker had a life and would go out. Something that was now too unfamiliar to him, as his days of social life in New York were gone. 

Now, he was just concerned the other was going to think he was finally opening up to him because he’d asked him some questions. The truth was, he was just curious. Magnus Bane, caretaker amateur, was a puzzle he had no idea how to figure out. What was the point of being at his house everyday from 8 to 6 to just put up with him?

Whatever Maryse was paying him. Exactly. That was why.

“I won’t get on your way then. Have a good time,” he said and left the room at once. 

 

***

 

Alec had started asking him questions and for a moment he thought there was some progress. That was until Alec had abruptly left, perhaps annoyed by his unabashed talk about trivial things that were, in fact, important to him. The way he dressed wasn’t a statement, it was a way of living, much more so since accepting who he was in terms of being a bisexual man who had no qualms with the person he was into. Part of different minorities all at once, as being of Asian ascent put him into that category as well, and his complexion, darker than the regular Asian, made him a target of looks, ill words, and bullying.

The way he behaved, what he’d chosen to study, following his dreams nonetheless, the way he lived, were the real statement, to being true to what he believed in, to his own personal truth, to the person he was.

If Mr. Alec Arrogant Lightwood had a problem with that, well then, he had to figure it out himself.

He’d put on the bracelets he’d made away. They had come out nicely and was happy he’d brought the clasps with the dragon heads. That had been a nice touch but was going to leave them for another night.

It had been a while since he’d gotten ready for a date and that was what he had to focus on that night. The fact that he was actually getting ready at Alec’s was weird enough, but there was no other way. Dorothea and he had been texting each other through the day and had agreed that Friday was inconvenient for the two of them, so the idea of going out on that Wednesday night had been okay. 

He’d gone to the bathroom upstairs and got changed there. 

Magnus had taken his shirt off and looked at himself in the mirror. He’d brought everything he needed, just so that he didn’t have to use anything of Alec’s. He’d washed and had blown his hair dried at home in the morning, so he’d just needed to use some gel and style it high up. As he checked his hair, he decided he also needed to go to the barber’s to get his sides cut short again.

Once he was satisfied with it, he’d added some color spray to put a few strikes on it. Sparkly blue and a bit of purple. He’d liked it.

Magnus had taken a look at his makeup and had retouched it. A little bit of black eyeliner did it. He didn’t want to go over the top. If things went okay among them, then she wouldn’t mind it later on.

He’d changed into the dress-up pants he’d carefully brought along with a shirt and coat in a cover. He changed his shirt for a dark blue printed tailored one with patterned cuffs folded at a three-quarter length. He completed his outfit with designer shoes and a dark gray jacket without lapels, cut in a straight line, and with big buttons at the abdomen. He liked how he looked and then took a look at his rings. He decided the ones he was wearing were good enough and then checked his necklaces. He’d kept the ones from the morning, a couple of long necklaces with beads separated at regular length and a couple more, shorter, one of them had a skull on relief on a triangle and the other was a bit closer to his neck. 

He’d taken a final look at himself, put his other clothes away along with the jacket cover. Everything fitted his backpack—he’d taken his fancy one—and had been satisfied with how he looked. A bit of cologne and he was ready to go out.

As he’d left the bathroom, Alec was coming out of his room and had wrinkled his nose. He’d been more likely annoyed because he could see the gesture. He left the window in the bathroom open, so that the smell of the spray and the cologne left and didn’t overwhelm Alec’s smell.

‘Have a good night, Alexander.’

He hadn't waited for him to answer but had just gone downstairs and out.

Now, as he was waiting for Dorothea to arrive, he checked his watch realizing there was still a bit of time. He’d chosen an Italian restaurant with a nice atmosphere and was glad when he’d texted her the directions and she said she was fine to find it. He liked a woman who knew her way around town.

It was easy to know who Dorothea was, as she was running to meet him. She was wearing a purple printed dress and a jacket that covered it all. Dark, solid stockings and about two-inch high heels. 

“Magnus?” She asked and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek as she greeted him. 

“Hi, Dorothea. Shall we?” She nodded and he showed her the way in. Their reservation was ready and they were taken to a table by one of the windows. The waiter was a nice Italian young man who was quick at bringing their orders. 

They had started with Mozzarella, tomatoes and roasted peppers and while she asked for Bolognese pasta, he’d decided to have a Filetto Di Pomodoro, and they both agreed on red wine. 

The conversation with her had been interesting. Dorothea had a major in History and was currently finishing his studies to get her certification as a high school teacher. She was already teaching in elementary school which told him she liked challenges.  Listening to her about it while having delicious pasta had been fine. Not in the super-exciting-we-clicked kind of way. The woman was beautiful, daughter of a Japanese mother and an American father, with Asian features just like him. They both liked history, okay, so far so good. However, he felt like there was no real spark between them.

Magnus told her about him, his studies, his plans. He mentioned Luke and how much he cared for him. Dorothea would listen to him with interest and that was another brownie point for her.

Magnus paid for the bill and he offered her his arm as they walked to the nearest metro station. 

“I had a good time, Magnus,” she began as they made it to the platform. It so happened that they had to go in opposite directions and they had to part ways. Magnus had to give it to her, she had been nice company and their similar field of studies had kept the conversation going. 

He noticed how she lingered for a while longer and wondered if she was perhaps expecting a kiss on their first date, but it wasn’t something he did, much less on a date a friend had set up for him—them, actually.

“It was lovely, Dorothea,” he mirrored the sentiment and gave her a soft kiss on her cheek. You have a great night.”

“Would you call me?” She asked as she began to walk towards her side of the platform and Magnus had simply nodded.

“Sure,” he told her and watched her go, as she quickly went for the stairs and disappeared.

As he went to his side, he was thoughtful. Dorothea was nice, he couldn’t deny that. She was intelligent and brave if she wanted to become a high school teacher. Even at best, he’d avoid students altogether. The dinner had been pleasant. His problem was, that there hadn’t been fireworks the minute they shook hands and he had felt awkward when she’d greeted him by kissing him on the cheek. Who would do that the first time you meet someone anyway? Personal space, anyone?

He hadn’t even been flirty. He loved to play and tempt people he liked. He just...he hadn’t had that with her. 

Magnus looked over to the other side and she was waving at him. He was grateful when his train arrived and he just waved back really quick, getting on and going away.

He was so going to kill Raphael.

 

***

 

Alec was walking down the stairs when he heard Magnus turning the key in the lock, and he knew that he was already fourteen minutes late—someone had a long night, he thought—. The last time he checked the time on his iWatch, he had started to hope that the always-on-time caretaker might not come back that day. 

He was in the entrance hallway when Magnus walked into the foyer, closing the door behind him.

“Good morning,” Alec heard him say and Alec noticed how he was breathing heavily as he started to press the security code and Alec kept going to the front door.

“You forgot your pencil in  _ my _ bathroom,” he said flatly without greeting him, not even bothering to look his way, simply handing him the thing he’d found on the rug in front of the sink in his bathroom and which he happened to have in his hand as he was bringing it downstairs to give to him anyway. It hadn’t the most pleasant feeling when he had stepped on it the previous night. And all the scents which had filled the whole bathroom—he could still smell them all in the morning as well. The mix of fragrances and aerosol or something like that, something similar to the hair spray Izzy used sometimes. He hated that the smell reminded him that someone other than he was there daily and now he needed to handle that knowledge even when the caretaker wasn’t there. He was leaving his kind of mark everywhere in the house—now there was a cup near the sink, plus a bottle of water in the fridge during working hours, a shelf in the dining room filled with the stuff he had brought—and why the hell did he Braille-labeled a box with his jewelry making stuff in it? Did he really think that he was going to make necklaces when he wasn’t there?—, and Alec hated it. He so fucking hated that he could smell the scent of Magnus’ fragrance after he’d gone to sleep. He even had to get out of bed at some point in the middle of the night and go down to the kitchen to smell some coffee to take away that smell out of his nose. He hated that scent. It was so different from his father’s or Jace’s, which he was used to. 

He hated that scent because he actually liked it. 

If he wanted to describe it—and he couldn’t help but think about the smell while he was lying awake in his bed—, he would have said it was an unusual blend of intense freshness and oriental sensuality. It was sophisticated and masculine. He could smell the warmth of wood and oriental signatures, like amber, musk and a note of sandalwood—Why did Izzy have to use him for her “How to captivate your man with your fragrance…” article in February? Back then, she’d brought a whole perfume store to his house and they had spent a weekend inhaling about a hundred different types of perfumes, and had listened to the same amount of descriptions and Alec had had to ventilate his house for a whole week just to get rid of the smell, which hadn’t felt that good in wintertime. But in spite of his condition, he would still do anything for his little sister and he had been happy to help her.—He hated that he had been caught by surprise and had felt captivated by the fragrance as he ran into Magnus in the hallway. 

He wasn’t used to that, to having things thrown at him that made him feel as if the ground was shaking under his feet. He’d learned to move around his life following patterns and a steady rhythm. 

And now, as he was standing in the foyer, he could smell some lemongrass which could have been either from his shower gel or shampoo. There had been no sign of that fragrance the previous day—or maybe his nose had simply already gotten used to it.

“Ohh,” Magnus said surprised, “this...this is my eyeliner, thank you,” he added and Alec made a face, feeling as Magnus pulled it out of his hand. Why did he need an eyeliner, again? 

Alec took a deep sigh and stepped in front of his mailbox, which was mounted inside by the front door, opening it carefully so his mail didn’t fall on the floor.

He heard Magnus still in the foyer, probably watching what he was doing. He straightened his body and started walking to the kitchen with the pack of mail in his hand, hearing the other’s footsteps following him in tow. 

“If you quit this job, you wouldn’t have to get ready in my bathroom, or leave your eyeliner and the unbearable smell of your average quality cologne behind,” Alec tossed the mail roughly on the kitchen island, “and you could keep partying to your heart’s content without being late for work the next day,” Alec kept his voice serious, leaning on the island on one of his fist, “and I don’t know what your boss is gonna say if she checks the security system and finds out that you were late,” Alec showed a forced smile, waiting for Magnus’ answer who probably didn’t expected this.

“I wasn’t par—” Magnus started and then paused. Alec heard him sigh so he raised an eyebrow. “I was late because that small library two streets away opens at 8, and I needed to stop by—”

“So you thought that stopping by the library during working hours to pick up some art book to read during those same working hours is okay?” Alec asked bitterly, he felt his eyes going thinner. 

“I stopped by because I was on the waiting list,” Alec heard Magnus raised his voice and unzipped his bag, “and picked up this Talking Book which I’m sure you know is also written in Braille and that I thought you might like,” Alec heard something against the kitchen island and he started laughing.

“When are you going to stop trying?” Alec asked eventually.

“When are you going to stop trying to force your own bitter darkness on the people around you?” Magnus retorted aloud and Alec’s breathing hitched by the surprise but he wasn’t going to give in.

“When you realize that I don’t need you here,” he replied.

“You  _ do _ need me here, Alec!” Magnus shouted just before everything around them went silent. 

Alec felt his heart racing, he didn’t know what Magnus was doing, he only heard his breathing not further away. Alec lowered his head, trying to clear his mind, he would probably say something out of temper if he kept this conversation going and he didn’t want to show Magnus that he had affected him in the slightest way.

“You  _ do _ need my mother’s money, though,” he snorted under his nose while he collected his mail from the top of the island.

Alec heard Magnus going back to the dining table, and busied himself with something and then he was in the kitchen again. He heard him opening a cupboard, and then some noise from a paper bag, then he could smell his pastry.

“Do you want me to open and read your mail for you?” Magnus asked with his mouth full.

“Duh,” Alec said and picked an envelope out of the pack and opened it, placing the sheet of paper on the top of the island. He fished his phone out of his pocket, once he started the VoiceOver, he quickly searched for his scan app and held the phone over the letter.

**< To Mr. Alec Lightwood>**

**< From Society of American Registered Architects>**

**< Subject Invita—**

“See? I don’t need you,” Alec closed the app quickly and ripped the letter to pieces. That was the last straw of his morning; an unwanted invitation down to memory lane at a moment in his life he didn’t want to bring back. Why would the people at SARA send him an invitation to an event he couldn’t and wouldn’t attend. He’d made sure to ask his mother to withdraw his registry from it. Why would they?

“Great, because reading your mail is not really in my job description, I'd have felt like I’m doing something off-duty, so I'm glad you can handle it,” Magnus spat back, his mouth still full from what Alec could hear. 

Alec turned on his heels and went to throw the ripped paper into the trash. When he was on his way back he tried to define where Magnus was sitting, but he knew he usually had a seat on the third stool to the right, so Alec walked the necessary steps and placed his palm of his left hand on the top of the island. His thumb brushed Magnus’ skin—probably his forearm—, and Alec bent forward slowly, focusing on the sounds and noise around him, but he didn’t even hear a flea’s breath, he only felt the closeness of Magnus’ body.

“Arriving in time  _ is _ in it,” he whispered just before quickly pulling away, walking out and heading to downstairs. His heart was racing and his head was spinning as he made his way down. He hated it.  

 

***

 

Magnus was sitting at the dining table with his book open in front of him, leaning on his elbow, resting his chin in his hand, holding the end of his pencil between his teeth, twisting it slowly with his thumb and forefinger, burning a hole on the white wall in front of him with his eyes. 

He would be lying if he said that he wasn’t affected by what happened after his arrival. Because, shit, he was…in many ways because of everything Alec had said to him and for what he had done.

Since the moment he’d stepped into the house, Magnus had experienced an array of emotions he hadn’t even imagined he could feel because of him.

First, it was the sight of Alec, the short-sleeved gray t-shirt he was wearing, the fabric tightening around his muscular upper arms and over his pectoral muscles, taking Magnus’ already heavy breathing away. Then, there were the black cotton shorts which fell down to the middle of his tights and showed enough of his long legs didn’t help his condition either. And Magnus had had to look away when Alec bent forward and took out his mail and the t-shirt slipped up on his lower back. 

Second,  it was the emotionless expression on his face, all the bitterness, the offensive tone he had used when he mentioned his fragrance—Magnus was wondering if it was the same as when Alec said he found Magnus’ favorite pastry disgusting even though he actually liked sweet pastries; for all he knew, Alec might have liked his Bvlgari perfume but had told him otherwise—, the way he had shrugged. And Magnus had only tried to equal those bad things by letting his eyes linger on Alec’s back as he’d gone to the kitchen and damn it, he had unabashadley stared at the Asshole’s ass as he was making his nasty remarks about Magnus’ night and late arrival and the way in which he was showing off how independent he was.

Then all sudden and in a very unexpected way,  Alec had been next to him, and the way he had leaned forward at the kitchen island, their faces inches apart from each other’s, the way his thumb had barely touched him, it all had made Magnus’ mind go blank. He could feel Alec’s breath on his face, he could see his eyes—his very hazel irises—so close to him that his eyes had automatically dropped down to Alec’s full lips when he had licked them before speaking and Magnus had felt his heart drumming in his ears. He had felt as if about to fall from the stool.

He had had to blink his eyes back to the reality and process all the words Alec just told him before he watched him leave.

Magnus didn’t know how many times he had replayed the scene in his head as he stared at the wall and realized that it was already noon when Alec appeared again to have lunch. Magnus was watching him from his seat as warmed up his meal and ate it and was thankful that Alec couldn’t see him staring at him so shamelessly, following every movement he made. 

Alec Lightwood was a grumpy asshole but he was also very handsome and that was a disaster for the whole humanity, he thought. And Magnus would be doomed if he  stopped trying to change on it, it went against anything he believed in. Alec Lightwood deserved to experience the world in every way he could, even though he wouldn’t accept it. At least not yet.

“When was the last time you were out?” Magnus asked when he joined Alec for lunch but the man didn’t answer him and Magnus was wondering whether he was simply ignoring him and not answering or he just didn’t remember. “Some vitamin D would do you some good, and your complexion could use a bit of sunlight,” he said after taking a pan and a spatula out of the counters. He then went to the fridge. He turned back to look at Alec, who seemed like he didn’t even hear what Magnus had said—no, that wasn’t possible—, so Magnus bit back a smirk before beginning to talk again, “not that it would reach your skin through that bush on your face.”  
“Yeah, lucky me I don’t need sunglasses either,” Alec said unaffected and stood up, taking his plate with the unfinished meal on it. He put it on the counter and left the kitchen, without saying anything else, going to the couch to lay down.

Magnus did his and Alec’s dishes after finishing his meal. He wiped his hands in a paper towel and glanced at Alec who was still on the couch, his eyes closed. Magnus saw the AirPods in his ears and assumed the other hadn’t probably sensed anything around him. For all he knew, Alec might be sleeping.

Magnus threw the used paper towel away and went to open the windows in the kitchen, looking out at the garden in the back. He knew it was a very warm time in summer but he could see the plants and the grass hadn’t dried out in the last couple of days. He could tell nobody took care of the garden and Magnus couldn’t help himself, he was already thinking of the many possibilities for it.

He sighed and went across the house to open the windows in the parlor, looking at Alec without turning to him as he passed by the couch. The hot wind coming from different directions collided in the house as soon as he opened the first window. He followed suit by opening the others.

“What the hell are you doing?” He heard Alec’s voice behind him and Magnus turned around, seeing Alec sitting on the couch already.

“If you won’t go outside, then I’m letting the sun in,” he answered on the sweetest tone he could manage.

 

***

 

The next day had passed just like any other, Alec could tell. The only difference was that Magnus wasn’t as talkative as usual—Alec had heard him drawing, he had guessed that much from the sound his pencils made against the paper. He had heard as he turned pages in his notebook, and when he rummaged through his pencil case and when he went to the bin to sharpen one. Alec was already able to notice the differences between a flat pencil and a sharp one by just the sound each made against the paper. 

The usual questions, such as if Alec wanted to take a walk or if he wanted Magnus to read for him, if he wanted to play a card game, or just simply ask him what he wanted to do that day, didn’t happen and Alec was wondering if it was because the man had been busy with his studies or if he had simply had a bad day or if it had been too good that he didn’t want Alec to ruin it with his rudeness, or he had just stopped asking because he got tired of his rejections.  

Alec heard in the weather forecast earlier that day that a storm was coming to New York in the afternoon, and he could already tell that it was going to arrive with loud thunder because the air had already been too dry and too warm. The atmosphere had been oppressive in the morning and it had become sultry as the day had passed. Even though he’d turned the A/C on a couple of times already, it hadn’t worked and he could still feel the heat. Magnus might have been sensitive to the changes in the weather. Whatever the reasons, and he felt as if he could go on listing them, Magnus had kept to himself and he was wondering why. 

For days, his caretaker, and how he hated that word, had tried to get him to do stuff with him. Granted, his job description required that he entertained Alec, and he had tried, to the point that everybody from his mom to his therapist had been impressed by him.  However, Magnus hadn’t uttered a sound that day apart from his morning greeting. The possibilities were endless but Alec, being who he was, had already decided it was the case scenario everybody had been waiting for—okay, not everybody, him—, Magnus had given up on him. Well, it had only been a matter of time. 

Alec was sitting on the couch in the afternoon. He had his legs crossed and stretched out across it and he was listening to the loud sound of thunder. He couldn’t see any dark clouds or lightning anymore but could perfectly hear the pounding sound of rain that told him that the storm had arrived. He had been listening to it before it even started—somehow he always knew when to expect the roar of thunder.

“Alec,” he heard Magnus’ voice close to him. He had been so lost in his thoughts, that didn’t even notice that Magnus had walked to him. 

“Sorry, did you say something?” Alec turned his head to where he heard the other’s voice. 

“I just said that I’m gonna make some tea for myself and asked if you would like some?” Magnus said and Alec tried to define Magnus’ exact position and once he did he turned toward him.

“Yes, hum, yeah… if it’s okay with you,” Alec answered and swallowed, waiting for Magnus’ reaction.

“Don’t worry, it is,” he said, “I… I’ll be back in a minute,” he added. 

Alec heard his footsteps as he walked into the kitchen. Then, he heard the water as he poured it in the kettle and then as it boiled; he heard the clack of the two cups or mugs—he wasn’t sure which he might be using—against the countertop, and the sound as Magnus poured the liquid after a few minutes. He’d always liked the whistle of the kettle and how even though you were waiting for it, it just took you by surprise every time. He heard Magnus’ careful steps as he made his way back to the living room and the sound of the tray as he placed it on the coffee table. 

“It’s hot, be careful,” he could hear Magnus’ voice close and then Alec felt when the other grabbed him by the hand to help him reach out for the mug. Alec should have expected some sort of help from him but he wasn’t prepared for his touch and his heart started racing for no apparent reason. Magnus’ hand helped lead his to the handle of the mug. As Alec took a hold of it, he lifted his other hand to the bottom of the mug to keep it steady in his hands. 

“Thank you,” he said and he gave him a little smile. He waited in case Magnus wanted to say something because he heard nothing for a couple of seconds before hearing him clear his throat and busy himself with his own mug on the tray. 

Alec tried to focus his hearing on other sounds and he heard that Magnus sat on one of the armchairs. He blinked a couple of times and lifted the mug to his mouth hesitantly.

“It’s not fully filled,” Magnus warned him and Alec paused, turning his head slightly to the way where he guessed Magnus was sitting.

“Thank you,” he said again and sipped carefully, trying not to burn his mouth and tongue. He winced as he swallowed, feeling the hot liquid going down his throat.

Alec heard Magnus blow his tea and then slurp it, stopping when they heard another thunder.

“You don’t like storms,” Alec stated, without turning his head to Magnus.

“What makes you think that?” He asked.

“I don’t know,” Alec shrugged before sipping his tea, “I’m just guessing,” he added and licked his lips. 

“I actually like storms, the rain,” Magnus said. “It always depends on how you see things, you know?” he added and stopped, Alec heard him fidgeting in his seat but still didn’t look at him. 

He would be lying if he said that he wasn’t curious about why Magnus liked the rain. Personally, Alec liked it even though it had caused some trouble for him in the past—like when they had to defer a construction because of heavy raining and the deadlines had been too close or when it was raining and then everything had to be slowed down. 

But Alec liked the rain, from the loud thunderstorms to the quiet ones. He loved the smell of it and how the water drops touched his face and skin.

“Why do you like rain?” Alec asked and took another sip,  turning to Magnus this time.

“Because we need rain in our lives,” Magnus began. “Rain can help create beautiful things,” he added and Alec heard him slurping again which was, in all honesty, becoming quite annoying. 

“What do you mean?” Alec asked, being curious and he thought that if he kept Magnus talking, then his tea would cool down enough so he could stop slurping.

“Do you really want to hear my opinion?” Alec could tell that Magnus was surprised. 

“Yeah, tell me,” he answered and lifted his mug to his mouth, trying to hide his smile because maybe his plan was actually working.

“Okay, hum,” Magnus said and Alec heard his movements in the armchair. “Just think about flowers,” he started and Alec hummed, turning away—obviously…Magnus couldn’t paint or draw withered flowers, so he needed fresh flowers and, of course, they needed water—Magnus cleared his throat and continued, “they are tiny little seeds at first when people plant them into the ground. They probably think that they are buried, as they are deep under the surface, surrounded by darkness.” Magnus paused for a second but Alec didn’t want to turn back to him. “But later then...when they start to feel the power of the sun—although the sun rays don’t reach them, and they are still within the dark ground—they start feeling its warmth as the sun shines over the ground’s  surface.” Magnus stopped again, Alec lifted the mug and took a bigger sip this time. “The seeds don’t know that the warmth is not enough for them. And when the rain comes, they don’t like it at first, but they can’t fight against it. They can’t win over the gravity which pulls the water down into the dark, making the ground soaked everywhere around the seeds. They can’t help it, the water is there. They start feeding on it and they realize that they can’t live without another drop anymore,” Magnus paused again and Alec noticed that his heart hadn’t stopped racing.

“They start to grow,” Alec whispered.

“Yeah, but—” Magnus stopped, Alec heard him fidgeting again, so he turned to him.

“But?” Alec asked. 

“But there’s always a part of the flower which never leaves the dark ground, and that isn’t a bad thing. The roots are still under the surface and they let the flower’s upper part be out and see, smell… feel. The roots in the dark are the main part of the flower, they keep it steady in its place and help it feed so everyone can see its beauty,” Magnus’ voice was getting lower as he spoke.

Alec was wondering if he was staring at something over his head, or if he was actually looking at him for he really wanted to know, to see his face. And deep inside, he knew there was no chance to ever see him but then his thoughts were interrupted when Magnus’ voice brought Alec back to the reality.

“And it doesn’t matter how a seed gets into the ground, whether it’s planted, or if a bird carries  it and drops it, or if the wind blows it away, it eventually becomes a beautiful flower because of the warmth of the sun, which can’t be seen around, only felt and the water which falls from either a quick heavy storm or simply from a long-lasting, silent rain, they reach the seed anyway, and help him grow out of the darkness,” Magnus said and this time Alec turned his whole body to Magnus’ way immediately but the other didn’t stop speaking; “and the flower has to accept that being in the dark soil isn’t a bad thing. It belongs to the flower and is really a very important, special part of him,” 

“Him?” Alec asked immediately. 

“It… Did I say him?” Magnus’ tone changed, Alec could notice.

“Yeah, I think you did,” Alec said and nodded.

“Okay, I’ve already talked too much—more than you would usually stomach from me and I guess I’ve overstepped my boundaries for the couple of next days,” Magnus said and Alec heard him moved and make sounds with the mug and the tray on the coffee table. “So, yes, hum, I like the rain, it gives me a great excuse to buy new shoes when I get mine soaked wet,” he continued on a higher voice as Alec heard his steps toward the kitchen. Alec straightened his body, placing his feet on the rug, standing up quickly and following Magnus to the kitchen with his own mug in his hand, “which is gonna happen today on my way home, so yup, rain is great,” Magnus added and sighed.

Alec heard Magnus as he opened the water faucet and started doing the dishes. Once Alec reached the kitchen island, he patted on it to place his mug there. 

“You could wait until it stops,” Alec lowered his head, playing with the edge of the island.

“I’m okay, I brought my umbrella and I don’t want to bother you, anyway,” Magnus closed the faucet and Alec heard him arrange things in the kitchen, then he heard his steps getting closer and then the sound of pencils being pushed together and the zipping of a bag. “Fine, I think I have everything,” Magnus said and it sounded more like he said it to himself than to Alec. Alec heard his steps toward the entrance hall from behind.

Alec turned around and started to follow him.

“Magnus?” Alec called after him, stopping at the foyer, on the threshold, hearing Magnus entering his code. “Are you sure you don’t want to wait until it stops?” Alec asked and his eyes were moving everywhere around, trying to focus on Magnus’ movements, to where he could be standing. 

“Oh, I’m totally fine,” Magnus said and Alec heard him opening the door, the sound of the pouring rain getting louder.

“Where’s your umbrella?” Alec asked.

“Why?” Magnus asked immediately.

“I didn’t hear you open it,” Alec explained and Magnus started to laugh.

“Alexander, opening an umbrella indoors could lead to everyone in a house to experience bad luck,” Magnus said.

“Superstition,” Alec breathed and lowered his head, shaking a little—of course Magnus believed in them—somehow, Alec found it funny.

“Yup,” Magnus said and Alec heard his steps, grabbing the door and waiting for the sound of the umbrella opening. “See you on Monday,” Magnus added and Alec heard the pouring rain against Magnus’ umbrella as he walked down the stairs. According to its fading sound, Alec could guess where Magnus was, but then the sound didn’t change, it was the same tone. 

“Alexander, do  _ you _ like the rain?” He heard Magnus shouting and he smiled unwittingly.

“I  _ do _ !” He shouted back.

“Great,” Magnus stated and Alec noticed him leaving under his umbrella thanks to  the sounds of his footsteps as they faded away after a couple of seconds and mixed with every other noise around.

Alec stood under the threshold for a while, listening to the sound of the rain, enjoying its cool blast with arms crossed over his chest. 

 

***

 

The day had been strange for him, but it had also been productive. His mind had been everywhere and nowhere all day, starting with a doodle on a page then turning to another, starting a new one. 

He had been thinking about Dot before texting her and setting up another date—What to do? How to make it work with her? Was that what he wanted? He had a weird feeling about having a second date. Although they hadn’t talked about an exact day when they were going to meet, the possibility was there open for him to take it. Then, he realized that maybe he shouldn’t have fed the woman’s hopes up when he hadn’t feel the spark. 

It was strange for him to call it like this but he thought a spark, chemistry, a desire to be around the other person was necessary in any relationship or just to make it work. Dot had been nice and funny and all the good things a good, decent woman could be, and yet, it wasn’t enough for him. It wasn’t even a matter of wanting a bad woman to sweep him off his feet. Been there, done that, he thought, and although he hated it, he couldn’t help it but he compared Dorothea and Camille.

The two two women were way too different. Where Dot was calm, Camille had been chaos. Where Dot was intelligent and smart, Camille was pure desire and instinct. However, Magnus missed the breathtaking feeling, the butterflies in the stomach when he saw Camille for the first time. Falling in love with Camille had been easy, which certainly led to his own devastation at her hand. He could still feel the hard grip on his stomach only from the thoughts of what Camille did to him. And they didn’t even have something in common—Camille as the cold lawyer she was, only stuck to facts, not understanding Magnus’ creativity and open-mindedness. He didn’t know how he’d fallen for her, whether it had been the passion she put into things that eventually revolved around her, or just the midless way in which she conducted her life. To Camille, she was the embodiment of hedonism—to the cruelest extent.

Dot, on the other hand, was different,  they could talk and drink each other’s words in. She was a pure soul, Magnus could tell from their first meeting, even though there were things Magnus found strange but not as strange as Camille’s habits had been. Dot deserved a chance, as much as Magnus himself did. And God knew, he still could develop feelings for her later, he couldn’t see the future but that was exactly the problem he was having with the whole thing. Why being with someone you didn’t feel anything at first. There was the calmness she could give him, the heaven he could feel happy on but where was the passion the desire to be around her, to want to be there for her in any way she would let him. A beautiful soul yes, however, not one that ignited his own. 

Magnus needed that. He was a man driven by his art. In it, he imprinted every emotion he’d ever felt. He’d created beautiful pieces of art from the height of being loved as well as from the pit of his broken heart. He’d dived into few, yet meaningful relationships all with varied outcomes. What he had had with Camille had just devastated him to a new level. She had put the standard for breaking hearts off the charts and was sure that she still kept it somewhere on a wall as evidence of her power.

And he had survived her. He’d learned from his mistakes. He’d learned about what he wanted and what didn’t work for him. He’d learned he needed to give as much as he needed to receive and still thought the soul was essential. After all, he was a soul at a time kind of man. And Dot...well, she deserved someone to love her as much as she was worthy of love. Perhaps it just wouldn’t be him. 

And then, there was Alec and his unpredictable behavior. Sometimes he was so rude and ruthless that Magnus certainly felt the urge to kick his ass. And sometimes he just seemed so lost, so vulnerable, that Magnus felt the urge to hug him as hard as he could, just to shield him from any harm. Just like that afternoon when the man was sitting on the couch, staring at the window as he could see the raindrops slithering down the windowpane.

Or just like now, as Magnus still stood on the sidewalk in front of Alec’s building, watching him, fascinated by his face as he enjoyed the sound of the rain and the few droplets that were falling on him. He saw him twitch and then smile, a heartfelt smile he was sure not many people had probably seen in the past years. Who knew? The reality was, the guy was an asshole who seemed to be  good hearted deep down. 

Very deep down.

A car passing down the street startled him and Magnus sort of woke up. He’d been gone in a world of his own for a while and so, he resumed walking with a sigh. 

This rain had been quite sudden, he thought. Yes, there had been a weather forecast in the morning he surely had forgotten about—he wasn’t surprised by that—, but he was used to having his umbrella in his backpack with him. It was such a regular thing for him to do, that he almost always forgot it as something to pack; in his opinion, his umbrella belonged in it as much as his sketchbook and pencils. Who would be able to tackle the summer sun if not him and his umbrella? Hats...well, those were for winter or else his head would freeze over. Summer was all about enjoying and having a good time and looking after his wonderful skin—and also about refreshing rain that he could enjoy as he made his way home.

As soon as he arrived at his loft, he changed his soaked clothes to dry ones. He picked an oversized purple t-shirt and sweatpants and went barefoot to the kitchen to make some tea for himself. 

He was standing by the window, looking out at the blurry sight of Brooklyn bridge, sipping his tea. He tilted his head, thinking about what Alec could be doing right then. How long had he stayed standing at the door. Then, his thoughts turned to all the things he had said to him and the way he had reacted. He really meant every word, as an artist, he always tried to see things differently, like the same boiling water could harden the egg while at the same time, it could soften the potato. It was about what you were made of and not the circumstances surrounding you. People usually didn’t like black, and Magnus was sure that Alec didn’t like it either. He had every right for that, blackness had taken everything from him that he could admire. He could no longer see his family, or continue his work, or live a normal life. He deserved all that.

He had no idea why. Alec had been nothing but mean to him and in the two weeks they had spent together, that night, had been the most normal one he’d had at the brownstone. Alec had listened to him intently, he’d seen him smile softly, and then, Alec had followed  him and had asked him to wait for the rain to stop. Magnus knew it was a bad idea to stay there. Better to enjoy his kindness while it lasted. However, after experiencing having it along with his attention, he just wanted more of it. Maryse, Isabelle, Jace, Catarina, Lydia, they had all either thanked him for his patience of encouraged him to keep going. As if it was something worth doing. Alec was disabled as far as not being able to see. How bad was the accident that he’d turned into someone he had trouble relating to at times? How could he help him gain what everybody still believed was there, buried underneath all the meanness and increased arrogance?

Magnus took a sip of his tea and turned around, going to his studio, placing his mug on a stool next to the easel. He walked to the shelf where he kept his blank canvases and picked one from the larger sizes. He took another sip of his tea after fixing the canvas on the easel. He grabbed some of the new brushes he brought the other day and poured only the basic colors on his palette. He pulled another stool in front of the canvas and sat down on it. 

He stared at the white surface for a while before closing his eyes, trying to focus on the black on his eyelids. Magnus bit on his lower lip, thinking about black again. To create black he needed to use all colors, black contained all of them. And without black, no color had any depth. He needed to mix black with other colors in order to create shadows.

Magnus opened his eyes suddenly and pressed a middle-sized brush into each color and mixed them in the middle of the palette and made the first lines on the canvas. He tilted his head as he checked the black splotch a little above the center of the white surface.

He changed his brush and mixed other colors, making other shades. He closed his eyes again, listening to the sound of the pouring rain against the window. He opened his eyes again and continued his painting. He mixed black willingly into other colors on his palette to create all the shadows he needed, to create fullness, to create something which seemed real. 

Black had power on the canvas, it made a drawing more sophisticated, it brought forth the drama from the painting. It featured the elegance of the lines, giving formality to the work of art, black created mystery… Black had made the painting on the canvas in front of him mysterious.

He moved his brush along and did the very last strokes with it, leaving his palette next to the mug on the stool. He pulled one of his legs to his chest, leaving his other foot on the edge of the stool he was sitting on, and then rested his chin on his knee.

Magnus tilted his head, watching the painting in front of him. It had started as a black thing with no shape in the middle of the white canvas and had slowly become the portrait of an unfathomable human—he tilted his head to take a better look. He trailed his eyes along the lines, over the features on the canvas and his heart started to throb against his chest, an alien lump growing heavier on his throat as he realized how familiar those features were exactly.

“Alexander?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hope you liked the second chapter of our story.  
> Before you leave, don’t forget to let us know what you think of it in the comments, and leave kudos if you want to! And if you already left a kudo and want to share your love more, drop us a line. It’d brighten our day.  
> Also, as we said in the Note in the beginning, you can tweet to us, letting us know your opinion by using the #LLNWTE hashtag or just find us at: [Tweet to @malec_hun](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?screen_name=malec_hun&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw) and [Tweet to @margeari](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?screen_name=margeari&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)


	3. Darkness Overcomes Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus are still dealing with working together, however Alec, true to his behavior, keeps reminding Magnus that he doesn’t need him. But a turn in events might change things for one of them and, who knows, perhaps an understanding can be reached.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all thank you all for the kudos and the comments you left on the previous chapters. We can’t tell you how much they mean to us. We read all of them and wow… Thank you!  
> About our schedule—we don’t have one, hahaha—it seems we need two weeks to write a chapter (and it looks like we will go with monster chapters, around 30k words—nah, let us know if you get bored on the way).  
> As we mentioned this story is going to be a super duper slow burn, like the ‘slowest burnest slow burn ever slow burned’ and we are done with our notes for the plot of the story and maybe you mentioned that it’s going to take about 25 chapters, so we will be together in this for a while dear Readers!  
> Also, we want to say that we don’t consider this fanfiction as an ‘Enemies to Friends to Lovers’ story because they are not enemies, and they aren’t going to be friends—we can tell this without giving away to much.  
> WARNING: mentioning of death and blood!
> 
> If you want to live tweet you can use #LLNWTE hashtag or just yell at us, [Tweet to @malec_hun](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?screen_name=malec_hun&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw) and [Tweet to @margeari](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?screen_name=margeari&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)  
> Even though we’ve tried to have it as clean as possible, all the grammar mistakes you find are ours and ours only.  
> Enjoy!  
> Love and kisses,  
> Orsi (malec_hun) and Ari (Ariadnem)

 

_Healing comes in waves_

_and maybe today_

_the wave hits the rocks_

_and that’s okay,_

_that’s okay, darling_

_you are still healing_

_you are still healing._

_[Poem No.5 - Ijeoma Umebinyuo]_

* * *

 

The strangest thing about the weekend hadn’t been how quiet it was, he was used to it already. Izzy had been busy with a deadline and had canceled in the last minute and Jace was away on a business trip. It had been the fact that he couldn’t get Magnus’ words out of his head.

The man had said _him_ instead of _it_ at the end of his story, he was sure of that. What he wasn’t sure of anymore was why. For all he knew, this man had already won over his mom, his sister, even his therapist. Who was next? Jace? Well, he could too. His dad...well, his dad was another thing.

He’d spent hours either in bed or at the parlor trying to figure out that whole conversation. What did he really mean by the whole seed-rain-flower thing? Was he being metaphorical about it? Because, in Alec’s opinion, Magnus couldn’t be that realistic and naive about things. He hated that, hated to have a proper conversation with someone and not being able to get it. Why would that nerve-wracking man mess up with his head?

His life had been perfect even after the accident. He’d regained control of it. He couldn’t see, but he could do other things. He was good at moving around in a place, he could, by simply having an idea of what the place looked like, have a mental image in his head and move around it.

Alec had also become more tech savvy. Thanks to Lydia, he’d learned about apps for people like him. At the rehab center, back when he’d needed all kinds of therapy and help, they’d taught him how to be back in the world. Everything else he wasn’t doing, like going back to the job because really, why would he, was simply a matter of him not wanting to deal with people. He didn’t want to hear them telling him they were sorry, or even implying that they understood what he’d gone through. He had been spared and he still didn’t understand why himself. All he knew was that he shouldn’t be alive, so why even try?

Oh yes, his mother.

Maryse had been the one who had insisted, who had kept trying. That was why he had a list of names of people who had tried to be his caretaker at some point, all of whom he had been able to send away within days. Magnus Bane, freewheeling bisexual of all times, didn’t seem to fit into that list. He was still coming, two weeks later, he knew he’d show up walking through his door as if he owned the place.

Alec thought he should just tell him to mind his own business. Go home and study there. If he needed the money, well, he was willing to ask him to not come, and he’ll report to Maryse that he was so that he didn’t have to put up with him.

That was the sensible thing to do, wasn’t it?

But then, what would he tell Maryse? The woman would accept it and tell him it was okay, but within a few days, he would be looking for someone else to take care of him. He’d rather have the least of two evils at his place. At least the man was bringing things into his home and not taking them, like that other joke of a caretaker he’d had at first.

Alec’s Monday morning had begun with the wrong foot. No matter what he attempted to do, Bane didn’t seem like the kind of man who would be deterred from doing what he was supposed to do. He was still coming in spite of everything, wasn’t he?

**< Monday, June 20, 2016,>**

**< 6:30 a.m.>**

Alec cursed as he heard the time and the hour. He was late. Thinking of Magnus had gotten him in a bad mood already and now, he’d forgone his Monday routine. He was late to do his laundry and he was going to take longer exercising too.

He got up and started getting ready. He’d shower later, he said to himself. Perhaps he could take his time and use the tub instead of just the shower and use one of those soap bombs Izzy had brought and left behind the other day when she’d needed help with her “How to Make Taking a Bath a Fabulous Experience” article. He knew he still had them in one of the drawers under the sink.

He did change his clothes though, shorts, a sleeveless muscle vest, the sexy kind, Izzy’s words, definitely not his, and his sneakers. He took the basket with his laundry to bring it downstairs, twelve steps from his bedroom door to the start of the stairs, fifteen steps all the way down and to the left. Eight steps to the entrance to the living, but only two to reach the door that opened the dock toward the garden and a couple more to the door from said door to the kitchen.

Alec left the basket by the stairs and took the long way to the kitchen, through the living room. He really hated going through the dock. He might have even forgotten the last time he’d used it. Perhaps the tree that used to be there was dead already.

Well, he thought, if he was miserable, then the world could be miserable with him.

He had his coffee black, no sugar. He needed to be fully awake. He was certain it was going to be a long day, he was already late with it and it was Monday, so his mom would be there soon.

Downstairs was the same as always. Washing machine and dryer right in front of the door, gym equipment to the left of the room and the side door to his office to the far right. There was another door that could be accessed from outside, across from the stairs but he didn't use either. The last person to enter there had been Lydia the week before when she looked for a chair to sit in front of him. He went back to their conversation as he put the first load of clothes to wash and set the treadmill to start his work out.

Alec started a playlist on his iPhone and focused on what he was doing. Laundry in the washing machine and his feet steady on the treadmill.

His thoughts took him to the mail he’d received the week before. He was wondering why SARA was contacting him. The last thing he knew, they shouldn’t have his name but in old records. He wasn’t an active member of the Society anymore and didn’t want to be in the future. His dreams, his career were gone since the accident. He needed to stop the treadmill. Sometimes, he still touched across his chest, where the seatbelt should’ve been had he not been so careless that night.

Alec walked to the bench and stretched. He suddenly didn’t feel like exercising anymore and he just wanted to go back to bed. The weekend by himself, being so engrossed in his thoughts, Lydia’s words still hammering in his head and knowing that his caretaker was coming back that day weren’t really helping him focus.

He went to the kitchen at some point in the morning to have breakfast and noticed Magnus was already there having his own. As usual, it was his coffee and those macadamia pastries that smelled heavenly and that he was determined never to try.

“How was your weekend, Alec?” Magnus had broken the silence as he sat on his usual place on the island to eat. He wanted fruit and cereal that morning. He kept quiet as he turned on the iPad to listen to the days’ news.

“Nothing special,” he finally answered as he rushed the food into his mouth. All the thinking of the weekend really had him in a strange mood and he noticed that he wasn’t half as decent with Magnus as he’d been last Friday.

He buffed and almost threw the plate in the sink, leaving without saying a word.

That morning, he didn’t even prepared his nutritional shake and just went back downstairs to finish doing his laundry and work out a bit more.

The next time he checked his watch, it was almost noon. He’d heard Magnus walking around upstairs, moving things here and there and although the controlling side of him told him to go and bicker and tell him to mind his own business, he decided it was better not to. They had ended the week before in an okay way. They’d had a decent conversation and the one thing that had made the whole thing worthy had been the rain.

He hadn’t said much that afternoon, he limited himself to ask, but he loved the rain. He used to take long walks under it at the family’s state outside New York. He loved the sound it made as it hit the roof and the windows and was fond of falling asleep to its sound. Well, the man in him did, the architect he used to be hated when it interfered with his work, although, and this was something he’d never shared with anyone, he did love to stand by the working station in a construction site, close his eyes and just enjoy the sound of it.

Alec sighed as he thought of what things were like before. He let go of his AirPods and put his clean laundry on the basket before going upstairs, for the sounds of it, his mother was already on the house, and was sure that Greta was already going through his kitchen.

Alec left the laundry by the door to the deck at the end of the hallway and went towards the living room. Maryse was talking animatedly with Magnus who seemed enthralled by her words and he felt a pang at the mention of his dad’s name. Robert and he had barely spoken on Father’s day a week or so ago and well, what was he expecting. He was used to Robert’s silence by now. He had even forgotten what his voice sounded like because of how long it’d been since the last time they’d exchanged more than a few words.

“Mom?” He called for her and heard as she moved around, perhaps turning toward him from the sound of her heels.

“Alec!” He heard a tone of happiness he hadn’t noticed in her voice before. He wondered what could’ve caused it, but compartmentalized it among the things he probably wouldn’t want to know about. He was afraid her cheerfulness would mean one day that she was giving up on him and moving on and that was something he dreaded. His negative thoughts weren’t really helping that day, and it was evident in the way he tensed and walked to the kitchen to get some water.

His mom had followed him, he could tell by the smell of her Chanel perfume that day. ‘Coco’ had always been his mom’s favorite and it spoke of her sophistication and good taste. He was sure she was clad in one of her Carolina Herrera working suits and was hoping her hair was loose, not in a tight ponytail at the base of her neck.

Having Maryse this close made his emotions go berserk on days like that. He wanted to tell his mom so many things and then he couldn’t and he let his darkness get the best of him and started pushing her and everybody away.

“I didn’t see you coming, son,” his mom started and he heard her voice close and he made her stop where she was.

“I thought the blind one here was me, mom,” he answered and regretted it immediately. He could hear her breath hitch, Greta suddenly stopped moving around and Magnus was in the kitchen in a couple of strides.

“That’s not nice, Alec,” he heard him admonish him and turned to where he was.

“Why not? It’s nothing but the truth,” he answered back drinking most of his water in a big gulp.

“Why are you like this today?” Alec could also hear the surprise in Magnus’ voice. What was he expecting? That after that silly conversation on Friday they were besties of all a sudden?

“Why? Did you give her your flower speech, too?” Even he cringed at his words and could imagine his mom’s disbelieving face.

“That is uncalled for, Alec!” She said with a strength in her voice he hadn't heard in a while. Maryse never got mad at him. His condition had granted him a sort of immunity that until that moment, he hadn’t realized he had. “I apologize, Magnus,” she continued and before he could say anything else, Magnus was apologizing and was going to the parlor, leaving him and his mom alone.

“Alec…” she began but Alec cut her off. He could hear her discomfort and that was something he hadn’t heard since the day she’d brought Magnus to meet him for the first time.

“Mom, I…” he let his head clung in front of him, his hair covering his eyes.

“You, son, are a hell of a man and I couldn’t be prouder of who you are, but I never taught you to be this person who goes after others for no reason. I’ve never sugarcoated anything for you, I’ve never talked you down and for what I know Magnus hasn’t either, so, get yourself together, and stop acting like this,” Maryse spoke and Alec lifted his head to face her.

“I’ve told you I don’t need a caretaker.”

“And I’ve told you that for as long as you refuse to fully take your life back, I’m going to do what’s necessary to keep you safe. I don’t know what’s got into you, but Magnus stays.”

Alec heard Maryse walk away. She checked to see if Greta was finished and walked out of the house without saying goodbye to them. He did hear her speaking to Magnus in a low voice, perhaps apologizing to him on his behalf, but all he could make out was her saying her goodbyes and wishing Magnus a good week.

His mom usually stayed to have lunch with him but not that day.

He grunted and went back to what he was doing. He picked up his laundry basket and went upstairs to put it away. He just wasn’t in the mood for one Magnus Bane that day.

***

 

It’s not that it had been an uneventful weekend, Magnus thought. The truth was, it had been a roller coaster of a weekend ever since he’d drawn Alec.

It was one of those things he would never have considered prior to that day, the fact that he was going to be so lost into what he was doing that somehow he’d ended up with a portrait of him in his studio.

And boy had he observed the damn portrait.

It wasn’t that the situation per se was revealing or anything like that. Magnus thought for a second that he’d had some sort of an epiphany. After all, he’d seen something he was sure not everybody did outside Alec’s inner circle; the man had been smiling broadly and unguarded and he, Magnus, had stayed watching him without an ounce of shame because, why not? And if he really thought about it, then he was getting himself into metaphorical shark infested waters because the whole thing was going to come back and eat him whole.

Not really something he was looking forward to.

It was Monday morning and he was supposed to be back at Alec’s. He was most certainly willing to avoid some topics at all cost and one of them was what he did during the weekend. Not that Alec would ask him anyway, but last Friday had been a sort of a milestone for him. He and Alec had had a heartfelt conversation in which he’d freely shared his thoughts on the rain and flowers nonetheless and it had felt good. And as a result, Magnus had ended up painting Alec. It had been one of those moments in which he’d gotten so focused on the colors and the sound of the brush and the paint on a canvas that he was completely caught off guard and his surprise had been off the charts.

Why would he be painting him? Alec Lightwood of all people?

Of course, he had no answer to that and was more than willing not to look for one for the time being.

The way to his place of work—yes, that’s how he was trying to treat it because he wanted to be honest to himself and it had been an already difficult weekend for him—had been awfully bright and ridiculously loud. It was as if all of Brooklyn had decided to live in a sort of musical epiphany as the only thing he could hear was loud music coming from everywhere.

Funny he thought; he’d described his weekend from uneventful to difficult. When had the tables turned?

When he arrived at the house, he was sporting a huge smile on his face. He still had to look for things to keep him grounded on the job. As Magnus walked in, he found the house empty and the iRobot already in motion. He went straight to the kitchen and put some things here and there. Some boxes of coffee pods in the vertical cupboard, some fruit and packed juice in the fridge along with a couple of bottles of water and some veggies and meat. He hadn’t had time to cook the night before so he’d brought some food to make for himself just in case. He noticed that Alec’s food containers were fewer and went to check the dishwasher. He took them all out and made sure they were clean and presentable for Maryse to take them with her later when she came to bring Alec’s food.

Magnus couldn’t stop thinking of Alec and the job. It was true that he had looked for it and had accepted it out of his pride for not asking for loans and his need to make ends meet. It was also true that after two weeks in it, he still didn’t know what to make of the whole thing.

He was certain of one thing, though. He’d stayed because of Catarina’s hindsight on Alec and of course, Izzy’s and Maryse’s influence. These women, he believed, had been pivotal in his quest trying to understand Alec to do a better job.

Working there has also brought him a different perspective into his own work. He’d been more focused and Dr. Gray, his thesis supervisor, had praised him more than she had corrected him. Well, the whole more focused thing had been her words. He only knew he’d been reading more and reflecting more on his dissertation. Something he hadn’t been able to do before due to his worries over not having a steady source of income.

And he still wouldn’t have been able to make those terribly designed McDonald’s uniforms look good.

Magnus smiled at his own thoughts and sat down at the kitchen island, a macadamia nut honey pastry in a hand and his cinnamon loaded coffee on the other. It wasn’t that loaded that morning, he mused, but Alec didn’t need to know that.

A moment later, he stood up and went to the windows overlooking the backyard. He scoffed. That plot of dry land and dead nature could definitely not be called a garden. He wondered how was it that Maryse hadn’t done anything about it. However, two weeks of working in the house told him it had probably been Alec who hadn’t allowed anyone to take care of it. Much as he hadn’t allowed anyone to look after him.

Magnus sighed. The whole situation was already difficult as it was. Catarina and Izzy had both told him Alec needed someone to empathize with him, to be compassionate. Making the difference had been hard for Magnus, the line between feeling sorry for Alec and actually see beyond that was thin and blurry and it still took him a while see the two sides. However, being watchful about it had allowed him to see Alec differently.

He was sorry for what had happened to Alec but at the same time, he didn’t pity him. He actually admired what the man had been able to do. Magnus had seen him walk around the house, do his own laundry. He was sure Alec could even draw something again if only he wanted to. If he pitied Alec, he would feel as if Alec’s hard work had been for nothing.

He couldn’t do that to him.

He knew his opinion meant very little to Alec. He knew Alec didn’t need him. Still, he wasn’t going to see him as anything but a normal person.

Even though he really was an ass.

Alec walked into the kitchen at the same time as Magnus was finishing his breakfast. He observed him in silence—as he was used to by now—and greeted him. Alec responded with a grunt and went straight to the cupboards. That morning, he was ditching the coffee for some cereal with fruit and milk and Magnus could notice he’d been exercising. That day, Alec was wearing shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt which got stuck on every part of his nothing less but admirable physique.

Magnus turned back to his things. Alec and his spidey sense might be onto something if he stared for too long.

He’d decided to take the first step and talk to Alec. However, as the man put his AirPods on and tuned himself out of the world, Magnus couldn’t help but notice his behavior. Alec wasn’t in a good mood, and he was a fool thinking that perhaps things would be different after their conversation on Friday. It wasn’t like a breakthrough moment, but he thought that maybe, just maybe, they’d be on the same page. He hadn’t meant to lecture him on his flower theory, he didn’t even know where it’d come from. It had just felt right then, telling him about it, about things through his eyes as an artist. He’d believed for a second that perhaps Alec would see things under a different light as he was an artist on his own right.

He had ended up painting him without noticing, and that was weighing heavy on him, even if he was willing to not talk about it.

Magnus saw him leave and decided to let him be as he went to do this own thing.

That morning there weren’t any board games or anything unusual around the house that he needed to take care of. It seemed as if Alec had spent those days by himself and it made him feel sorry. His loneliness, Magnus’, was a choice. After Camille and all the drama that came with being in a relationship and the fact that his studies didn’t really leave him any space for much else, he’d been on an emotional drought.

**Hey, Magnus! How’s ur day going?**

He had been texting with Dorothea here and there, but he still had a feeling about it. He didn’t know where it would lead if it did, but he was going to take it slow.

That day, however, he wasn’t in the mood for anything. He didn’t want to read and the week before he’d advanced his thesis as much as possible. That Monday, Maryse was going to show up with food for Alec, the maid was going to do some cleaning and he was just going to relax. Perhaps watch a movie online or something. Alec wouldn’t be bothered, anyway, and he could use the break from his own thoughts.

Magnus has been dozing off in the main couch when he heard the door open. He had no idea what Alec had been doing all day and if he was honest with himself, apart from the man doing his laundry, like in the previous weeks, he had no indications as to what he did to pass time. Alec would always be either in his room or in his gym.

He got up and stretched, grunting as Maryse Lightwood sauntered into the house with her usual attitude and her maid and driver behind.

“Hello, Magnus, how are you today?” She gave him a broader smile than he’d seen before and he came to her, shaking her hand.

“I’m good Maryse, how are you?” He greeted her as her other employees got busy in the kitchen and around the house.

They were talking, Maryse was looking everywhere around the house and Magnus was standing in front of her, his arms crossed over his stomach as she told him a story about her weekend supporting one of the charities associated to the Lightwood name. Robert had had a good time, she’d told him and he was surprised when Alec walked in on them talking. Sometimes, he thought Alec was a ninja, that kind of stealth wasn’t human.

And then, Hell broke loose. Magnus couldn’t believe the way Alec was talking to his mother or the look in Maryse’s face. The woman had gone from disbelief to anger and he was surprised to see how she stood her ground and had spoken her mind. She had even stood up for him.

Magnus was angry this time. He couldn’t really comprehend whatever was going on with Alec and so, he just walked away, saying goodbye to Maryse as she left. He stood by the window, watching her get in her car and go. Magnus thought he saw her clean a tear from her eye, but that woman was so stoic and so hardened by what had happened to Alec and the family as a whole that she wouldn’t break so that her son could keep on living in his perfect little brownstone bubble.

Magnus noticed Alec leaving with his laundry but didn’t pay further attention to him. He went to the kitchen and made himself something for lunch. Some meat and veggies stirred. He was so not in the mood for Alec right then, that he was grateful the other had just gone away. He didn’t think about looking for him in the house or check if he needed anything.

If he could be so disrespectful to his mother, then he deserved to be left alone with his own thoughts.

Magnus focused on his food. He’d brought everything he needed and was enjoying as he ate it, his own AirPods in his ears and his favorite music on shuffle.

The image of Alec that morning was his usual self, the one he showed everybody. He’d seen him last Friday, unguarded, watching the rain and enjoying it, and it had impressed him so much, that he had ended up painting him, there wasn’t much else to think about that. Alec’s smile and happiness had been as real and honest as it had been the morning he came to his place and had found him with his siblings.

It was all in the details, Magnus thought. The simplest of things always made the difference, did they not?

He left Alec’s house that day without really seeing him much. He spent the time doing nothing in the parlor, just waiting for time to pass by fast. He wanted to go home and back to his own things and forget about Alec’s behavior.

He just hoped he could make it to two months.

***

 

For Alec, the week had gone by a little bit too slow. He had been grumpy since Monday, had barely spoken to Magnus whenever he was in the house and had avoided calling his mother altogether. What was he going to say? That he did something stupid? He was always doing something stupid, this time though, his mom was really upset, for she hadn’t tried to call him either.

Well, perhaps, he did deserve the cold treatment this time.

It had been a few days since he’d last had any interaction with another human being. Magnus would come and go and had managed to spare a few words to him here and there and Alec not only didn’t know how to act, he was certain the world was simply against him. It had been a change in the way things were.

Despite everything, he was okay with that. This is what he was used to, being alone and doing his own thing without a care in the world.

That wasn’t true.

He was used to having his mom around even if it was when she called on the phone, Jace was still on his business trip, which meant they weren’t really talking to each other, Izzy had called him once in all those days and only because she needed his help, and Magnus, he was not the best caretaker there was, he wasn’t entertaining him. So he wasn’t really doing his job.

Were his thoughts always that erratic?

He fell back into his old routine. Getting up early, getting himself ready, having breakfast, exercising, reading. There was even a time when he walked past the shelves in the dining room and grabbed the stuff Magnus had brought for him. He’d smiled then, he and his siblings had had a good time playing with those things. He just hated the fact that his good times were now somehow tied to Magnus.

Would he ever leave him alone? Now, he wasn’t even free of him in his head.

Alec sighed. He’d taken reign of the parlor that day right after having lunch. He’d noticed as Magnus sighed but didn’t care. He was determined to make him go away. He’d been reading, and if he had known better, he’d said that the other was watching him, but the sound of pages moving told him he was surely immersed in one of his art books. A new one for the smell of it.

He put on his AirPods—his favorite thing as of late to tell Magnus he didn’t want to talk—and played his reading playlist on his phone. He was through it and didn’t realize but the next thing he knew someone was yanking one out of his hears and he was startled.

“Alec! The house can fall on you and you won’t notice with those things in your ears!” Izzy was scolding him and he couldn’t help the smirk forming on his lips. He was about to retort with a sassy line but she stopped him. “Keep your shitty blind jokes to yourself, you’ve already caused enough drama with them.”

“Mom told you, huh?”

“Didn’t need to. It was written all over her face,” she took Alec’s feet off the footstool in front of him and sat on it, moving it a bit closer to him.

“Izzy...I didn’t…”

“You did mean it Alec and that’s why she was upset. Back in the day, you couldn’t help it, now, it was all about making her upset but I’m not here about that.” Alec could hear her shifting where she was sitting and he braced himself for whatever it was she was going to through at him.

“What is it?” He finally asked, after breathing again.

He couldn’t tell what she was doing. Whether it was watching him or just making faces at him, but she was there, not trying to kick his ass and that was good enough for now.

“Remember I told you a few months ago about this guy I’m seeing? Well, I need advice, I think it’s time he meets the family, but I want to start with you. The thing is...I’m weary of it and not because of him but because of you. If you were to be mean to him, I swear Alec that I…”

“Hey, hey, Izzy…” he started and looked for her hands to hold them and was grateful when she let him. She brought his to her face and leaned in the touch. It had been a while since he’d actually ‘see’ them in any way. They’d spent a weekend a week or more ago—not like he’d been counting—but this was the kind of thing he wouldn’t allow himself. “Let me know when you want to bring him and I promise I’ll behave.”

“You can’t promise that, but I appreciate it.”

“Izzy, give me some credit here...I’m trying…”

“No, Big Brother, you’re not but as I said, I’m not here to fight with you.”

Alec wanted to make it up to her, to show her he cared for her, to let her know he loved her, so, he moved his hand from her cheek and put his two hands over her face. He started moving them softly and nicely all over it. He knew he didn’t allow himself get that close to them anymore, but he needed to reassure her because, at the end of the day, Izzy might be right. Just a tiny bit.

“Alec, you’re going to ruin my makeup,” she teased him.

“Nah, I’m just checking these new wrinkles here around your eyes,” he said in a serious voice.

“How dare you! You know I moisturize every day!” He heard her say but she didn’t move away, and for that, for the trust his sister still had in him, he was grateful.

“For all I know this dentist boyfriend of yours can be a jackass and can be leading you to premature aging.”

“You did not say that, Alec!”

Their laughter filled the room and although he didn’t mention it, he could swear he heard chuckles from the dining room. And there it was, the caretaker all over again.

“Simon is not a dentist, but you’ll have time to find out what he does for a living and tease him to no end,” she said to him. “You have my permission.”

Alec moved closer to her, wrapping her legs with his as he kissed her on the cheek and rested his head on her shoulder.

“You okay?” she asked and he nodded.

“Just having a rough week. I need to call mom, I was an ass with her,” he confessed in a lower voice.

“Well, don’t wait too long, you’re a good man, Alec and we love you, but one day things can take a turn you don’t expect, and…” Alec moved so fast, and he was so sure his face gave away the sudden fear he felt but Izzy just held him tight, closer to her. “One day you’ll hit a wall, one so hard that will make you open your eyes and see what’s been right there in front of you, and you know what I mean, so don’t think about answering back...all I’m saying is, we’re here for you and we love you, but although love is blind, it’s not dumb, and one day, you won’t like the answer you might get.”

Alec simply nodded. He knew what she meant. One day his family wouldn’t take all the pushing away he did every day and they would listen to him and leave him truly alone. Something he hadn’t really contemplated until then.

“I don’t want to lose you, Izzy. Not you,” he said, his head low as was his voice as he spoke.

“Then stop being an idiot and call mom. She’d be happy to hear you.”

She let go of him and Alec smiled faintly. Izzy was always like that, a whirlwind that just swept everything around her away. Her visits were always so short and sometimes he just needed her so much but he wouldn’t say that to her. He wouldn’t want to burden her with his nonsense.

Alec got up right after her and walked her to the door. She suddenly stopped and he heard the clack of her heels as she went to the dining room. He heard saying goodbye to Magnus and frowned.

That man had definitely taken over every woman in his life and he hated it. It made him very conflicted. On one hand, Maryse had taken his side, on the other, Izzy was like best friends with him now, talking to him about a new article on How to Look Fabulous for a First Date and what was worse, Magnus was delighted talking to her. He had no idea as to how to deal with that.

“Okay, Big Brother, I’m going now, please, be nice and call mom,” she hugged him as he nodded and was soon gone.

Alec stood by the door for the longest time but didn’t hear a sound from Magnus.

That night wasn’t easy for Alec. Izzy’s visit had had an awful impact on him and he was still trying to figure out what to make out of it. He knew it wasn’t only about her boyfriend, Simon the doctor, he knew it well, he remembered everything, it wasn’t his memory or his body that didn’t work, it was his damn personality that was nothing but dark as a black hole.

There was nothing good left in him. Everything that made him the son Maryse still tried to rescue had died in the accident at the second his dad had lost control of their car. He could still remember the feeling of his body crashing against the wide window and the crack of his bones as he fell on the pavement. Why not lose his memories? Everything would’ve been easier if that had been the case. Or so, he wanted to believe.

Alec had to take a deep breath and stood up. He went to the kitchen and open the small cabinet where he kept his wine rack. It wasn’t as full as it used to be in his old apartment, but he kept a bottle or two for the weekends when Izzy and Jace showed up to be with him. He grabbed one bottle and looked for the opener and once he was ready, he left the wine to breathe for a few minutes before serving himself a glass and take it with the bottle to the parlor.

Alec had always had a good memory. He could remember measurements, statistics, information on anything he’d ever been interested in. He’d always felt that was crucial in his line of work. To remember designs, things he had created, that others had created, it helped him find new ways to design and build things. He’d always loved creating things with his hands, he remembered playing with clay as a child, and then Legos, he’d had thousands of those, that’s how he’d figured out he wanted to build things. He sniffed when he remembered watching Manny the Builder with Max when his brother was but a toddler and he liked to dispute everything that man did in his cartoon.

He let the wine slither down his throat, its flavor poignant as it did. Right then, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d drunk alone.

Alone. That was the word he didn’t know he was looking for.

Alec sighed as he finished the glass and poured more wine into it. That night, everything was coming crashing down on him. He needed to call his mom, he needed to come to some sort of agreement with this Magnus guy. How had he managed to get under his skin was beyond him. He was used to ignoring people, to just not paying attention to them, and was grateful that Magnus had even tried to seem invisible around him, but still, he didn’t need someone breathing on his neck all the time.

Wait, Alec told himself, hadn’t he just said Magnus didn’t do that?

He sighed annoyed.

Not annoyed, conflicted. Alec felt conflicted.

For three years he’d managed to work on building walls high enough not even his family had tried to climb them to get to him. They had listened and accepted, not without a fight, but they had all eventually left him alone. All, but his mother.

And now apparently, this man, Magnus Bane, freewheeling bisexual and his latest appointed caretaker.

The thing was, he knew he was just doing it for the money and he had to accept, Maryse’s deal was pretty good. How many other caretakers had he had already? Five? Six?  Hell, he really did have a psychopath one in his house for a full day. That homophobic son of a bitch could’ve killed him. He’d taught him to sleep with one eye open. Well, not with Magnus, though. The man, in spite of what Alec believed, didn’t have the aura of a serial killer. That man would just bury himself in his books and mind his own business.

What was wrong with that then, he wondered as he emptied another glass. He would stop drinking after this one. He wasn’t drunk but tipsy enough to not be able to find his way upstairs. Where the hell was afghan his grandmother had crocheted when he was a child? He was getting cold and had no idea where it was. And at the moment, he couldn’t find the linen closet to even get a blanket.

It was a chilly night at the beginning of the summer. He moved his fingers through his hair, it was longer than his regular haircut, and so was his beard. He had to ask his mom to get the barber’s to come to the house. It was a visit long overdue, and well, he wasn’t the type to leave his house, like ever.

The thoughts of his mother made him restless. It didn’t matter how much he loved her, she didn’t really need to care for him. He was a twenty-eight-year-old man, he could look after himself. He wasn’t momma’s boy. Not anymore.

Then, why was he so dependant on her?

Before he noticed, he heard birds chirping and the delivery boy ringing the bell to leave the box with groceries by the door. He didn’t move from where he was. He was so consumed by his own thoughts that he didn’t realize they’ve drifted to the relationships he’d had in the past, to the fact that he wasn’t in one and it made his loneliness weigh a bit more over him.

Alec remembered with total clarity the last time someone had kissed him and had told him he loved him. It was a pity it hadn’t lasted.

No, it really wasn’t a pity. He would’ve hated if he’d stayed because ‘oh, poor Alec’ couldn’t see anymore.

Poor Alec. He had hated that the first time he’d heard it and he hated it even more now. He had proven to everyone that there was no poor him. Sadly for him, that hadn’t gained him anything really. Poor Alec was alone and lonely.

Alec was, simply put, unlovable.

At his thoughts, Alec closed his eyes and covered them with his arm. He had had love when he was whole, successful, the designer of his own life. Right now, it had all been taken away from him, and whatever little he had reclaimed, wasn’t enough for someone to truly love him.

He had actually forgotten the last time he had gotten laid.

Alec missed that. Not sex per se, but intimacy, someone’s touch, someone calling because he wanted to hear his voice. He missed so many things, holding hands, going out and away from the world, creating a bubble with someone because that’s when you felt good. However, he didn’t think that was possible, the truth was, after his latest relationship, everything had been a lie. He had realized it was all about appearances not love and he wanted that, love.

Who, in his good mind, would love a blind man, though.

Alec heard the door open and then the panel when surely Magnus was entering the code. He just got more comfortable on the couch and didn’t mind the other. He just kept his eyes closed and pretended to be asleep. He heard Magnus walk in with the box in his hands for the pants he was hearing. There was the box sliding on the kitchen island most surely, and the thud of Magnus’ backpack on the wooden dining table. He heard him rummage around looking for something and then the click of the lights turning off.

He’d completely forgotten about them. Who needs lights when you live in eternal darkness?

Magnus must’ve seen the wine bottle because the next thing he knew he was picking it up along with the glass.

“Alec? Alec?” Magnus called him and he just remained where he was, decidedly not responding.

He heard the man grunt and go away. A few minutes later when he was dozing off out of having spent the whole night awake, he felt a blanket covering him and he didn’t know how to understand or respond to that.

“Why do you keep coming back?” He asked half asleep. He turned over to the backrest of the couch and kept his eyes covered with his arm.

He didn’t get an answer but fell deeply asleep.

Alec woke up to the sound of meat grilled on a pan. It had been marinated in herbs and he heard as the oven bell rang and there was a mouthwatering smell coming from it. He stirred and turned disoriented and almost falling off the couch.

“Are you okay?” He heard Magnus asking from somewhere and he couldn’t help it, he had to ask where he was. “Couch. You fell asleep there,” Magnus answered and he sat down.

His mouth tasted as if something had crawled in it and died and he felt dirty. He turned around, noticing the blanket he had on and took a deep breath. The events of the past twenty-four hours clear in his head.

“I’ve got food, want some?” Alec heard crunching and Magnus speaking as if he were chewing something hard. It sounded like when he used to steal carrots from his mom’s plate as a child.

“No,” he answered and stretched. He needed to take a shower and eat something if the growling of his stomach didn’t stop soon.

“Come and eat and then take a shower, I won’t bite, I promise,” the tone of Magnus’ voice was kind while he expected him to be more hostile after all those days without interacting. Alec didn’t respond at once. He touched his iWatch and realized it was almost noon.

“You don’t have to bother, I…”

“You’re super Alec Lightwood, yadda, yadda, just sit here and eat. I’ll be out of your hair as soon as I‘m done here.”

Alec finally stood up and went to the kitchen island, sitting on his usual stool. He felt hangover but not from the wine but from the turmoil that was his mind right then.

“You okay?” Magnus asked him again and he scoffed.

“Why are you asking? Don’t I look okay?” His sarcasm was ridiculous, he knew but didn’t care. He just needed to eat and go back to his bedroom and forget about the imposed presence in his house.

“You can save the attitude, Alec. I’m just trying to be friendly here.”

Magnus’ words touched him deeply but not in a good way. He didn’t need a friend. He didn’t need anyone.

"Friends? You want to be _friends_?" Alec spat the words.

"Yes, why not? Give me one good reason for you to say no,” he was serving the food and was pushing a plate towards him, he could tell Magnus was setting the cutlery in a way that he could use it.

"Because you are a caretaker,” he began, “my mother pays you to be here," he rested his arms on the sides of the plate. The damn meal smelled good and he was definitely feeling famished.

"That doesn't mean we can't be friends," Magnus started, but he cut him off. The night he had spent, the wine, his own thoughts betrayed him and before he knew, Alec was talking, not letting Magnus continue.

"Really? Is that what you think? My own boyfriend dumped me after the accident, what should I expect from you, huh?” He said and bury the fork deep in the food, having a bite. Fuck. It was good and he needed that. Still, he wasn’t going to give in and accept it, so he just kept going, mouth half full and all. “Why would you stay when the ones closer to me didn’t?”

“Because I’m not them and the only thing that is currently making me question that too is your attitude,” Magnus words just hit him. How could he be so blind that he didn’t really see what was happening there? He was being forced by a contract. Alec snorted as he drank from the drink Magnus had placed for him. His next words startled him, though. “So, boyfriend? Huh?

“Blind and gay,” he stated, “oh? My mom didn’t tell you? Do you think you can still fulfill your job description?”

“Alec…” Magnus began, but Alec cut him off again.

“I don’t need your pity, you don’t know me, you know fucking nothing about me, Magnus!”

“Do you think that empathizing with you is pity?!” He heard something on the table and could only assume Magnus had thrown his napkin on it. “What if I really want to get to know you? Your mom called you and told you I’m a ‘freewheeling bisexual’, my words yes, not hers and you think I pity you? I’ve never been in the closet so I have no problems with you being gay, so get your head out of your ass, plus, it looks like I’m gonna work here for a year, why can’t I just get to know you?”

“I don’t want you to get to know me,” Alec answered. He was taken aback by Magnus’s words. For a gay man, used to homophobia, he wasn't any better than those who used to mock him, but again, he wasn’t going to just budge.

“You don’t have to be an ass, Alec. I’m trying here. It’s not like this is the most pleasurable experience I’ve had and you certainly don’t make it any easier. I’ve tried to make your days better and you just keep pushing me away and refusing me, I’m trying to open up. Can’t you just appreciate it?” Alec could hear the tone in his voice change. It went from sounding interested in really being friends to sort of pleading a truce. He had to admit Magnus’ words weren’t far-fetched, he just wasn’t interested.

“This is about money, why would I?” He was certain this was the only reason Magnus had to want to become his friends. People had abandoned him because he wasn’t the successful man he used to be and others approached him out of pity and because of the money his mom offered them.

“Is that what you think this is? Look, I wish I had the money to pay for my studies and live my dreams but I don’t. I have to work hard for it, I barely have any time to spend with the people I care about or to do what I like. I haven’t talked to my father for three weeks. So don’t think that being here is my dream. But it’s a job, a decent one, and I’m working for it,” Alec could hear the rustle of fabric and a stool being moved. “I won’t let you pull me into your darkness with you and I’m not talking about your blindness so don’t you dare cut me off and say something stupid. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to not being able to see but that doesn't mean you should give up on your life...I don’t know if you are a jerk in general or you are just putting an extra effort to be one but I really hope it’s the latter. At least you can try and turn that into something more useful to yourself.” Alec heard his speech and scoffed. Now he was being scolded of all things.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, playing with the food in front of him.

“You’re a man born in privilege. You have a family that loves you, it should be evident even if you can’t see them, but that’s your problem. As I said, I’m here for at least a year, so get used to it. I’m not going anywhere. But now, I need some fresh air.”

Alec heard him leave the house through the backdoor and was left in complete silence. He finished his food out of hunger and then went to his room. He needed a cold shower and get under his blankets.

What an infuriating man Magnus was.

There was no one who could save him. There was no salvation for him and even if he allowed Magnus to get to know him, what was next? He would leave, just like everybody else. He was just waiting for his contract to be over and he would leave. He, Alec, was worthless to the world. Where were his friends and past lovers? They were all gone because he was blind, because he didn’t deserve any kindness.

He sighed under the shower and let the water take his sorrows away.

***

 

He has mad and he believed he was right. He was trying to empathize with Alec but by God that the man got under his skin and not in a good way. And the worse part was that it always took him by surprise. Whenever he started thinking Alec could be this kind, good-hearted person, he showed him he was anything but. And he just couldn’t get him.

When he’d walked in, he hadn’t minded picking up the box or anything Alec might have needed. It was common sense, to help others, to be there for them. That was all he was trying to do. He had to admit that Alec had the looks of an angel, and the behavior of a demon making everything so complicated.

He was leaning on the decked balcony, and couldn’t help but wonder why that backyard was so unkept. From the outside, he would’ve believed it was a beautiful place but now that he took a closer look at it, it was actually a complete mess. The grass was pretty much dried and dead and the poor tree, it needed more love and care than water.

Magnus believed he’d just found his new project. He was going to have to rely on others, but it didn’t take him anything to go to the florist by his building and ask Meliorn for advice to bring this place back to life. In another dimension, he was sure Meliorn was a fairy, not the trickster kind, but the one that looked after nature, the ones who could talk to flowers and the trees and had pointed ears and an incredible never failing green thumb. He needed a couple of pieces of garden furniture and maybe, just maybe, he could have a decent place to paint.

Being inside the house was starting to get suffocating and he was determined to stay. His studies, the prospect of opening his own art atelier depended on it and that incredible trip to Italy he wanted to take too. Visiting Florence and its museums was this dream of his and he wanted to do it before he devoted himself to his art and whatever that would bring him.

He only needed to survive one Alexander Lightwood.

He ran back to the house, taking the stairs in twos and went back to the backyard with his sketchbook. He sat at the top of the stairs and made a drawing of the place. He had no idea what type of tree it was, so he took pictures of it to ask and see how to bring it back to life. He was looking for an angle to see what else to do and decided looked up, noticing the window that had a view there. He went upstairs realizing it wasn’t Alec’s and walked in. That was definitely the guest room. He opened the window and took a picture of it with his iPhone. He already had ideas as to what to do there.

Magnus took a look at the room. It was impersonal, obviously. Anyone could stay there, that was, if only Alec let anyone get close to him.

He heard noise coming from Alec’s room and although at first, his instinct was to go and check on him, he went right and down the stairs.

If Alec didn’t need any help, he might as well, let him go on with his things.

He was going to do the same thing.

His phone rang then a smile took over his face. “My dearest Catarina, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Magnus! Just wanted to remind you that we’re coming over tomorrow night. Raphael is bringing the food and Ragnor the drinks…” she announced cheerfully.

“Tell Ragnor to bring the whole liquor store. I’m in dire need here,” he groaned and throw his head back.

“That bad, huh?”

At her words Magnus kept quiet. He could tell Catarina about what was happening and Alec’s hostility toward him but he wasn’t that sure about doing it in front of the others.

“We’ll talk, I promise, just not in front of them, okay?” His voice was like a plea and he heard Catarina’s sigh on the other side of the line.

“Fine. Just...Mag, promise me...you’ll be patient.”

“I’ll try Cat, but he’s making it so hard.”

“Don’t give up. I’ve got more books for you and Pat says he’s willing to teach you some Braille. He’s just too busy these days.”

“I appreciate it, I’m just…” he took a deep breath and patted his spiked hair, making sure it was still in place, “It’s just hard Cat.”

“I know, I know, but if someone can…”

“Get through him? That won’t be me, Cat, but it’s OK. I’ll keep on trying. Just make sure Ragnor brings enough alcohol, I’m in the mood for some margaritas.”

As he laughed, he noticed Alec was walking into the kitchen and was preparing one of those energy shakes he loved to drink in the afternoon. Magnus went back to his conversation with Catarina and turned his back on Alec. The last thing he needed was dealing with him then.

“So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, my dearest,” he said in a calm voice.

“See you tomorrow, Magnus, and don’t forget, you got this. I trust you can do it,” Magnus heard her and nodded then smiled before hanging up the phone.

He went to the dining room and spread sketchbook and unlocked his phone checking the backyard and coming up with ideas to change that place into something seemingly decent.

He couldn’t wait to talk to Meliorn about it.

“Do you know how many airbags were there in my father’s BMW?” Magnus looked at him didn’t dare answer. Alec was leaning against the counter on his hips and was looking at nothing in front of him, while Magnus was seated at the dining room. He didn’t have time to put up with him. “Eight. Six frontal, head and side airbags for driver and passenger and two rear in the backseat, they would inflate fully within twenty milliseconds. I had no seatbelt, there were no airbags when I fell on the asphalt and yet I’ve survived, Magnus… _I_ should have died that day,” Magnus left everything he was doing and listened to him, giving him his full attention. This was something he hadn’t heard until then and which made Catarina’s words resonate more.

“Alexander, I didn’t know. It’s a miracle that you are alive and it could have been worse, so much worse. Your injury could have caused more damage...” Alec snorted and shook his head. Magnus was at a loss for words. He had no idea why Alec had decided to bring up the subject so abruptly, and now, the way he was reacting.

“See? You know nothing,” he said and left the shaker by the sink. Alec started to walk away and he stood up.

“Then tell me,” Magnus stepped in front of him, blocking him.

“Let me pass,” Alec demanded and Magnus shook his head.

“You told me just a while ago that you don’t want to be friends, why are you telling me this now, then?”

“I don’t need your pity,” Alec said, not looking at him. Magnus had to lift his head, that infuriating man was so tall he couldn’t really look him in the eye. Alec shook his head, pushing forward. “I told you, I don’t need you.”

“Okay,” Magnus answered and went back to his seat, allowing Alec to walk away. He heard a door upstairs slam and he spent the rest of the day trying to focus on the garden and his new plans for it.

He couldn’t sleep that night, thinking of what Alec had said. He didn’t know why it had affected him so much. There was so much more than Alec hadn’t told him, that was for sure, but he wasn’t going to push.

It was better if he just kept out of his way.

Alec and Magnus had spent Friday avoiding each other and Magnus was honestly grateful for that. He’d tried to work around Alec’s schedule. If he walked into the living room or the kitchen, he’d either remained quiet or just walk away. The garden had proven to be quite the challenge and well, he wasn’t going to tell anyone about it. Perhaps Maryse. He was hoping she’d give him her blessings to make it beautiful again.

For now, he was at home, had already taken a long shower and was in comfortable clothes waiting for his friends.

His phone rang and Magnus answered without noticing who was calling. He was surprised by the voice but smiled anyway.

“Hi, Dot! How are you?”

“I know we’ve been texting all week, but I was wondering if you’d like to go out tomorrow night? There’s this new club in Brooklyn Heights and well, I thought of you.”

“How did you know that I love dancing? I don’t have anything planned for tomorrow, so yeah, why not? Text me the address and I’ll meet you there,” he answered sipping his drink.

“You sure?! That’s great, Magnus! I’ll text you the address! See you tomorrow!”

He could hear the excitement in her voice and felt strange about it. Dorothea had been nice and a calm place for the past week, but he still didn’t feel the spark to call her to be around her. She’d been the one contacting him first and he felt bad for it.

Catarina opened the door and walked in then, familiar with the place and in complete control. She was having Saturday off next day, and so, she was spending the night at Magnus. He was looking forward to it. Although Raphael and Ragnor were very close to him, Catarina had always been the voice of reason, the one that could make him see things for what they really were and not for what he wanted them to be.

When he hugged her, he held Catarina for an extra minute. He needed the reassurance and the knowledge he wasn’t alone.

“How are you, my friend?” She asked as she took her coat off and left it on the hanger by the door. Magnus remained in silence. He wasn’t really sure what to tell her, but for now, the simplest of truths would have to do.

“I’m exhausted, Cat but more than my body it’s my mind. This job will be the death of me, I’m telling you.”

“Don’t overreact,” she said, hooking her arm on his and walking with him to the living room. “What’s going on?”

“I’m not, I promise. It’s just...this week has been so hard on so many levels, Alec is being grumpier than usual and I feel like he’s dragging me down into this black hole, it’s like he’s quicksand and the closer I get, the faster I’m going to drown. I don’t know how to handle him and even though I keep trying, I can’t help but think that I’m not the person for this job,” he confessed and lowered his head.

Catarina smiled at him and was going to say something else when they heard the bell ring. Magnus showed her in and went to open the door to see Raphael and Ragnor with packages in their hands. Once they exchanged pleasantries, it was good for Magnus to see how in spite of not having seen each other in weeks, they could still fall back in their old routines and make it work.

Raphael and Magnus set the table together as Catarina opened the containers with food and Ragnor opened the wine. He liked this; the familiarity that came with having been friends for years and having been there for one another. He loved them deeply, his friends, his partners in crime, whom he had known for centuries if he could only say it like this.

“How’s the babysitting job, Mag?” Ragnor asked and Magnus gave Raphael a murderous look.

“I’m not a babysitter, love, I’m now a caretaker for a blind guy,” he said with a little bit of pride in his voice. He’d worked hard learning and asking and participating in forums and whatnot for the past few weeks and Catarina had also helped him, but they didn’t need to know that. Ragnor would just remind him he needed to focus on his art and Raphael would still deny him a chance to have an exhibition in his gallery.

“He’s doing fine, give him a break,” Catarina said and Magnus blew her a kiss from across the table.

They kept talking about work, Raphael’s gallery, even Ragnor told them about the latest shows in West End in London. Magnus felt relaxed and content. This was a much needed break from everything, from working on his dissertation to his days in Alec’s brownstone.

“So, how are things with Dot?” Raphael asked him when they were drinking in the balcony, enjoying a fresh summer night and some cocktails courtesy of Ragnor’s expert hands.

Magnus sighed. There were no things with Dot. They’ve seen each other once so far and to be honest, although she was a sweet woman who most surely deserved the world, he wasn’t sure he was the one to give it to her.

“We’ve been texting each other and I’m going dancing with her tomorrow…” Raphael smiled and who-oed but Magnus stopped him, “I still don’t know why I accepted your blind date.”

“She doesn’t think the same, she’s quite taken by you, my friend,” Raphael said as he drank from his glass and Magnus exhaled loudly.

“I’m not going to feed off whatever it is you’re telling her, you know that,” Magnus said matter-of-factly and Raphael shrugged. Magnus let his head fall back in semi defeat. Raphael could try all he wanted, Magnus just didn’t feel it with Dorothea. Sue him.

They changed topics and talked some more until very late in the evening when Catarina changed into her pajamas, telling Ragnor and Raphael she was ready for them to leave, which they did promptly. They all knew that once she was ready for bed, they might as well go to sleep themselves. They had dined and drank to their hearts’ content and were more than satisfied. The meal had been exquisite and the company divine and their bonds were renewed.

Magnus had definitely needed that. A night in with his most important people.

Catarina made tea and sat down with him after he cleaned off his makeup and put on his pajama pants. He’d ditched the shirt later in the privacy of his room, though he wasn’t exactly a prude. Magnus thanked her for the tea and smiled at her.

“You good?” She asked him and he nodded.

He was exhausted, it wasn’t just that night but the whole week with Alec. Magnus told Catarina about their conversation, what Alec had disclosed to him about the accident, the constant anger in his voice and how they’d made a sort of truce in which they pretty much didn’t cross each other’s paths.

“You can’t go on like this,” she said. “I’ll ask around in the hospital, see what other things you can try and do with him. He doesn’t seem to have been adjusting to his regular life properly.”

“Why do you say that, Cat? That man hates the world,” he claimed. Catarina held his hand and made him look at her.

“Have you ever seen a hurt puppy?” He nodded and she continued, “what do they do when someone tries to help them?”

“They bark and try to bite you,” he said as if it was the most normal thing to do. As if anyone would react the same way.

“And what do you do when a puppy is hurt?”

“You try and try until they let you heal him.”

Magnus looked at her understanding what she was saying but shook his head. That couldn’t be the case with Alec. The man was so full of himself and his lack of need for anyone that he couldn’t be someone hurt. He seemed bitter and was certainly an ass, but that must’ve been his choice. Or was it?

“Something happened this week, Cat; his sister, Isabelle, came to visit him and he touched her face, you should’ve seen that. He went over every inch of skin as if he recognized it and could see the changes in it. And Isabelle just let him and made jokes and he laughed at them. It felt as if he were a different person and I’ve only seen him do that with his siblings,” he explained and Catarina listened to him intently.

“I’ve heard of that at the hospital. Blind people can know what others look like from just their newly heightened sense of touch.”

“Well, there’s still so much I don’t know about all this,” he groaned and rested his head on her shoulders.

“Think about it, Magnus. Just think about it, and if I’m ever right, remember you can take me on a shopping spree,” she said in between laughs, which made Magnus crack up too. “You’re learning, my friend. You’re taking of your time and you’re in touch with people from the hospital and the Internet white guiding you. You’re doing it right. Don’t you see?”

Magnus nodded not very convinced but so some reasoning behind her words, so he didn’t loom over the topic.

They went to bed late that night. They talked and Magnus promised to tell her everything about his night out with this Dorothea she was now eager to meet.

Magnus didn’t think of Alec for the remainder of the night. He was happy and felt loved by the most amazing friends in the world, and for that night, that was all he needed.

***

 

“I know exactly what happened to you. I’ve met with doctors, and psychologists, and any person on any field that can help you, you name it, I’ve met with them. I’ve tried to do what you have allowed me to. I come every week to see you and bring you your food and make sure you have everything you need because you decided one day that the world is no longer for you,” Maryse was telling him over the phone. She wasn’t overly mad but did sound disappointed and that hurt Alec. He’d never wanted to make her feel like that.  “Alec, we, your family, have been to therapy, to figure ourselves out and move on, but not you.”

“Ma, I don’t need therapy, you know what the doctors said, they cleared me,” Alec spoke in a voice lower than usual. He was ashamed in a way although his words were true. Part of his recovery post accident had to do with not only doctors but also psychologists and even psychiatrists who had ended up clearing him and let him go back home. He did spend some time at a rehab center for people who, like him, had lost an ability or even a limb, and he’d found people there who had been born without said ability who had helped him tremendously. He was fine. He knew that much. His behavior was just a consequence of things. He rubbed his hand against his face, dreading the bad memories from three years ago.

“I know that Alec and I want you to listen to me. The accident happened and we’ve all lost too much but life isn’t over and the way we treat others should always be fair and nice. I know you and I know the person you are but you need to stop behaving like this. I hired Magnus to be your caretaker and companion. Talk to him, be nice to him. Being friends shouldn’t be so hard, but you make it too hard. Son, you’re being unfair to yourself. So, you need to deal with that because I don’t think this is something I can force on you. If you can’t apologize, at least behave, and let him be. He doesn’t need to be the receiver of your bitterness.”

Alec was silent for a long time. His mom was truly upset, he could tell that much and that was emotionally draining for him. She’d been there for him; in the hospital during the darkest hours of his recovery when he couldn’t understand what had happened. When he’d been forced to learn a life in darkness while finding a light where he couldn’t see it anymore. She’d been there for him unconditionally, in spite of it all, when Robert couldn’t even talk to him and his siblings didn’t know how to approach him, Maryse had been the one.

“Mom, listen, I’m fine, I’ve told you…”

“And I’ve told you I want Magnus there, with you. It brings me peace of mind and reassures me that if something were to happen to you, you won’t be alone. If you can’t do it for yourself, at least pretend you’re doing it for me.”

Alec was silent for a moment or two. He couldn’t continue arguing with her. Someone had to give and well, he thought he was the better man by being him. However, before he could say anything, Maryse spoke again.

“I won’t be able to come this Monday, though. The board of the Children’s Fundraiser contacted me and we are having meetings all week and I’ll be away all weekend with the cortical blindness research event. I’ll try to stop by some other day, but this is a hard week for me. I’ll make sure to call you anyway, I mean, I don’t want to upset you.”

“That’s fine, mom. Call me, okay? Gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.”

Alec hoped she hadn’t noticed the relief in his voice and felt bad about it right away. It wasn’t that he didn’t love his mom or wasn’t glad to see her whenever she came to the house. It was more a matter of keeping to himself and of moving on without them seeing him struggle.

He had adapted to everything well. He remembered how life had been right after the incident, how things had changed. How in spite of colors, there was only an endless, pitless black. Every day was a struggle for him. Somedays the craving for normalcy was harder than others. Every day, he fought to regain control of himself, of his surroundings, of a life he had been reinventing for three years.

Magnus was just not a part of it and he didn’t know how to accommodate him and worse, he didn’t understand why everybody seemed to think the man was good for him in any capacity when, according to him, he wasn’t.

Alec tried to make sense of the things his mom had told him as he got his coffee and a book from the shelves and took them to the parlor. Braille had been logical to learn and he had to admit that he’d gotten used to the dots combination quite easily. He had always enjoyed reading and now it was a way he had to live in different worlds when he couldn’t even leave his house unless it was really necessary.

He decided to push any thoughts of his caretaker somewhere far from him and end his weekend on a quiet note.

***

 

“I just saw you!” The woman said over the phone as he waved at her.

Magnus had to admit Dorothea looked lovely that night. She was wearing a sleeveless peach dress that hugged her upper body beautifully and fell loose down to the knee. She was wearing a pair of low ankle two-inch boots that gave her a little height.

She came to him and gave him a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek which he was expecting that time and wasn’t that uncomfortable with it.

That night, Magnus was ready to forget about everything. He’d spent all Saturday wondering and trying to figure out whatever little there was to discover about him. He’d managed to get a hold of Patrick, Cat’s friend, and he’d recommended a couple of websites where he could start learning about Braille and how it worked. He’d gone through a few of them but found the explanation at the Helen Keller Institute to be the easiest to follow. He’d been excited about it as he’d found that the language was a piece of art in itself.

That night, he’d decided to wear black pants with a studded belt whose buckle he closed on the back and to the side, and a patterned dark blue buttoned up shirt. The weather was so nice that he’d decided to ditch the jacket. He was also wearing his usual jewelry, ear cuff, necklaces, bracelet and rings, and his hair was styled up. He still needed to go to the get a new cut even though he liked the length of his hair on the top of his head.

He walked in with her and kept his hand on her lower back as they entered the club and ordered drinks.

“I’m glad you found the club, Magnus!” She raised her voice over the music as he received the drinks and they went to one of the tables by the railing toward the dance floor. There were a lot of couples already dancing and Magnus decided to allow himself that moment to just dance and have a good time and enjoy good company. Because, truth to be told, Dot certainly was a great company.

“Of course! I didn’t know they were opening a new club around here!” Magnus had all the feels of the prospect of a good night. The music was great, a very good blend of old and new songs—an excellent choice by the DJ—and the environment was lively and inviting. “Wanna dance?” He asked Dorothea by speaking on her ear and she nodded.

He was having a blast.

As the night was nearing to an end and the nightclub was about to close, he and Dorothea went home. They walked to the corner and before hailing a cab, they got hot dogs from the street vendor, laughing and still dancing a beat or two. Oh God, it was so much fun.

They ate, talk cheerfully and agreed that it had been the best time they’d had in a while.

For Magnus, it had been longer than just a while but Dot didn’t need to know that.

Finally, when they took the cab, he decided to take Dot home and drop her off first. They were sitting in the car and he felt how tired he really was but was still awake. The hot dog had sober him up and he was happy. It had been a good night, one he owed to himself for a while already and which he’d enjoyed. He really did.

Dot had fallen asleep next to him for the duration of the ride. She was resting her head on his shoulder and he could see her well. Her mixed features were beautiful and her rosy lips were inviting for a kiss, however, they weren’t calling him. It could’ve been so easy to reach out and bring her toward him, wake her up with a goodbye kiss. It was so easy to just imagine a relationship with her. He already enjoyed her company, she was a good dancer, their bodies had fitted perfectly on the dance floor, he knew they could fit everywhere else. Raphael already knew him, Ragnor and Catarina would probably love her. All he needed to do right then was reach out for her and bring her closer to him. He knew he wouldn’t do it though. He’d had a fantastic time, she was definitely someone he wanted to have as a friend and nothing else at least for now. However, somehow, he still wanted to keep on getting to know her and well, who knew, perhaps a chance might present itself eventually when he had other priorities and the time was right.

Magnus smiled at her and let her sleep. They were about to make it to her house anyway.

He said his goodbye and smiled at her with an honesty that surprised him. He was a people’s person and liked to be surrounded by others, so this was good, making new friends was what he needed. Nothing more.

Friends, they were important to him. He didn’t have many but those he had were meaningful and were everything to him. Catarina had always been the sensible and sensitive one. She could cry with him, holding hands while watching a movie and yet call him on his shit whenever he was straying from his path. Ragnor was a friend more than a mentor. He’d been there in his most desperate hours showing him a way through art he was sure he would never have been able to learn from someone else or in a different way. And Raphael, he was the classic asocial person who would drop everything just for his friends. He had been so worried about Magnus that had decided to introduce him to Dot, despite the fact that he’d promised never to do something like that again.

Dot was an amazing woman, he could tell that much from their texts and the couple of times they’d seen each other. She could be good for him, she was sweet and thoughtful and out of her mind for wanting to work in a school, but also the kind of cool type. When he thought about it, Dot was the exact opposite of Alec, the one person he was spending most of his time with, or not. It wasn’t like they’d started doing things together, they’d become good at avoiding each other.

Magnus shook his head. He didn’t want or need any thoughts of Alec. He had to keep those at bay and even restricted to his place of work as to not start thinking too much into things. That was the last thing he needed.

For now though, the night had been good, he’d danced away with Dot and they’d both had a great time and that was all that mattered. Somehow, he was looking forward to another dance night with her. He smiled unwittingly when he remembered how he had spun her on the street. It was so easy to be around her.

He took a really good rest when he made it home.

The morning arrived and he felt refreshed in spite of the tiredness. His body hurt in all the right places and he knew he needed to do this more often. Dancing had always made him happy and he was grateful to Dot for the night they had.

Catarina called him mid-morning. She was excited about going to a garage sale in Queens. She’d been talking about going to the market for weeks as they’d been busy and she’d decided they had to go that day. Together. After a little groaning and saying no, he finally agreed. He wanted to rest but was still hyper and going to flea markets was something they both enjoyed. He’d found some of his favorite pieces of jewelry at markets, so he ended up excited about going and see what he could find this time.

He needed to go out and be around people, and since Friday, he’d been with his closest friends and had danced and had had a good time, so why not, really.

Magnus decided to wear his low cut dark blue Converse with equally blue shorts and a fitted T-shirt. He decided not to style his hair and it was falling over his eyes. He put on his usual jewelry and changed his ear cuff for a small black one. Dark glasses and money in his pocket and he was good to go.

He met with Catarina at the subway. This was a part of New York he really enjoyed. People would be talking, sleeping, snuggling against each other among other things but they were all enjoying themselves or going about their daily rush. There was this guy who stood next to them with a huge tote bag hanging from his shoulder when a small pup showed its head. Magnus asked if he could pet it and when the man said yes he went all gooey with the pup.

“You’re so good with people and pets and everything else, Magnus,” Catarina said when they were leaving the station.

“Nah, you know I’m a cat person but that puppy was just adorable, did you see those droopy pretty eyes?” He laughed and hooked his arm with hers.

“And you have the weakest will when it comes to puppy eyes, I know.”

“My dearest, Catarina, you say that like it’s a flaw, I’m hurt,” he said putting his hand over his chest, faking being hurt.

“Not at all dearest,” she stated patting his hand. “Not at all.”

***

 

 

Alec was in the middle of his breakfast when Greta arrived with Hodge who left right after he helped her bring in the premade food and some supplies—the driver probably had to go back to the Lightwood Enterprises’ headquarters to be there for his mother. Maryse had told him she was going to be busy with taking part in some fundraiser’s meetings she had mentioned during the weekend and he was hoping Jace was back soon and managing the family company. Ever since he took over the company, their mom had been able to focus more on the family and their charities. And of course, him.

Alec heard the door open at the kitchen, knowing that it was Magnus—he was spending so much time out there lately—, hence, he didn’t pay too much attention.

“Good morning, Mr. Bane,” Greta greeted him.

“Good morning,” Magnus answered and Alec heard that he placed something on the island, “is there anything I can help with?” He asked kindly.

“I think, I’m okay with these,” the maid answered and Alec heard their footsteps were mixing around. It was more difficult to tell the differences between the owners of two pairs of shoes, especially when they weren’t heels or had a distinct sound.

He knew Greta usually wore white comfy sneakers, they belonged to her pink maid uniform. But the sole of Magnus’ shoes had a similar sound, he was probably wearing sneakers too, according to the sound of the rubber sole against the wooden floor.

Although it was more difficult to make differences at first,  Alec could tell who was where in the kitchen. Moreover, the maid and the caretaker didn’t give him that much time to enjoy and study the ‘melody of the shoes against the floor’.

“How was your weekend, Mr. Bane?” Greta asked Magnus politely—she could be right across the kitchen island—and Alec spooned another bite of his cereal.

“Oh, it was splendid. Thank you for asking,” Magnus said—being busy with something at the counter—and Alec wanted to snort but he was afraid that the milk in his mouth was going to make its way up to his nose.

“It’s so good to hear, Mr. Bane. How did you spend it, if I may ask?” Greta asked and Alec raised his eyebrows as he took another bite into his mouth.

“There was a club opening on Saturday, I was dancing a lot with… with a friend. I really had fun, the music was great, my partner was a good dancer,” he said and Alec heard the excitement in his voice.

“Oh, really?” Greta asked cheerfully. Could they be any happier?

“Yeah, she fell asleep in the cab on the way home and well, I can still feel my legs,” Magnus’ voice could be heard from behind the counter and Greta started to laugh.

Alec cleared his throat because ‘Hello?! Don’t go so deep into your carefree conversation in front of me!’ Where was the respect for the locked up blind man?

He didn’t know when the last time was that he’d had that kind of conversation with someone out of his family. These two in front of him were getting along too easily while they were busy packing and unpacking things here and there and Alec didn’t know if he should just stop eating and leave them or continue listening to their little chat.

Greta had been the family’s maid since… since forever. She was loyal, kind, same old or so as his mother and she was like a part of the family. His mother loved and trusted her, Alec was hundred percent sure, the maid was like a best friend to her, he knew Greta was a great audience and was there for his mother every time she needed her. And he remembered when Greta took him and his siblings to school when they were little kids. Hodge pulled down by the sidewalk in front of the Trinity School and she walked them to the entrance door. Alec liked her too, so he decided not to interrupt their conversation because of her, just because of Greta.

“But I still had the strength to go to my occasional treasure hunt on Sunday,” Magnus said. Okay, this was going to be interesting, Alec thought.

“Treasure hunt?” Greta sounded surprised.

“A garage sale,” Magnus said and laughed freely, Alec lowered his head. He hadn’t heard him laugh like this before. Had he ever heard him laugh at all? “Artist like me could find so many treasures at those.”

“I guess your hunt was successful,” Greta said and she opened the fridge.

“Sometimes, people don’t know what they throw away, what is junk for someone could be a treasure for someone else,” Magnus stated from the other side of the kitchen.

Alec was wondering if that was another flower speech of his and he was thankful that they didn’t get him involved in their conversation. He really didn’t have anything to add or say. His life was boring as hell and he really didn’t need their pity. He was okay on his own.

“Oh, there are no labels on these containers,” Greta said out of the blue and Alec heard as she put two containers on the island, looking at that direction.

Alec rolled his eyes, the world was probably going to end and he was going to starve because he wasn’t going to dare eat the food from an unlabelled container. He heard Magnus walked to Greta’s direction, while the maid rummaged through the bag.

“These could have fallen from the top,” she said, “oh, Mrs. Lightwood forgot to remove the back, see Mr. Bane, there’s the back of the sticker.”

“Yup,” Magnus said, popping the p at the end.

“Mr. Lightwood, do you mind helping me by reading—”

“Wait,” Magnus cut Greta off and Alec arched a brow, “I’d like to try,” Magnus said.

“Can you read Braille, Mr. Bane?” Greta asked surprised.

“I’m learning,” Magnus said and Alec made a face, “I just started to learn actually,” he said and his voice sounded closer, he was probably standing across the island too.

There was silence for a while. Alec felt like his presence wasn’t necessary anymore when his caretaker could help the maid. Reading in Braille was his privilege as a blind man, and he could feel useful for a moment but now, he wasn’t anymore.

“I think this is spaghetti, and this might’ve salmon or something like that, not sure,” he said and Alec made a mental note that those containers might be switched, so if he would like to eat salmon he need to search for the spaghetti, and reverse.

Alec heard one of them was busy with the containers, taking the top off.

“This is the spaghetti, and this one is grilled salmon,” Greta said.

“Alec,” he heard Magnus said.

“Hum?” He asked without looking at Magnus’ way.

“Would you check this label? What’s on it? I just wanted to try to read it,” Magnus said on his usual cheerful voice and Alec heard he slid something—probably the label—across the island’s surface in front of him.

Alec placed the spoon into the bowl and searched for the label with his hand. He grabbed it with his left hand to keep it steady against the top of the island while he touched the dots with his index on his right hand. He turned it around when he noticed it was upside down and placed his index on it again.

“Is there spaghetti written on it?” Magnus asked.

“Yeah,” Alec pushed the label back and grabbed his spoon to continue his breakfast.

“Yay, I was right,” Magnus clapped his hands together, startling Alec while he was about to take a bite into his mouth but his hand stopped halfway.

“Lucky guess. Don’t be so proud of yourself,” he said just before he continued eating.

“Mr. Bane, you already can read more in Braille than me,” Greta said after a couple of seconds silence.

“As I said I just started, and I’ll have to practice more, I guess,” Magnus said and Alec heard his footsteps.

“Why? Why do you want to learn Braille? Are you planning on stabbing yourself in the eyes?” Alec couldn’t stop himself saying it out loud. Why the hell he wanted to learn Braille? It made him mad and he felt his blood started boiling in his veins. Magnus could read printed books, he didn’t need to know how to read Braille.

“Mr. Lightwood, I think Mr. Ban—” Greta started but Magnus cut her off.

“No, but next time if something like this happens then we won’t have to interrupt your peaceful breakfast and make you grumpy,” Magnus said and he still sounded calm which only made Alec even angrier. This time, he was angry at Greta too.

He took a deep breath and stood up and went around the kitchen island.

“It isn’t peaceful if I have to listen to your splendidness,” he said and left the bowl in the sink, hearing as the others stepped out of his way. He headed out of the kitchen then stopped and turned around, “sorry, I can’t stay and enjoy your conversation,” he lifted his arm and waved circles in the air, “because I have to puke,” he said just before he left the kitchen and headed to his room.

That day wasn’t that bad, he managed to avoid Magnus all day. He found a new book recommendation in his email inbox, he was glad that he had subscribed to those websites. That book was interesting, he spent almost the whole day listening to it.

And the night came very fast.

And the Tuesday even faster.

***

 

Checking Alec’s schedule every two days had become a routine for Magnus, even though there wasn’t really much in it, except for his therapist’s visit every two weeks and a medical check-up a month later.

This Tuesday was one of that Tuesdays when Dr. Branwell was about to visit. And Magnus was more careful on that morning when he picked out his outfit, he needed to be more decent than the other day. So he was wearing black shorts,  with a blue button-up shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and his usual Converse shoes, some necklaces, and rings. He didn’t spike up his hair that much that day, it was simply hanging slightly to the side since he’d let it grow a little longer at top of his head, it gave him more freedom to style it however he wanted.  

The script was the same as two weeks ago. Alec was sitting on the couch after he was done with his workout and had breakfast. The doorbell rang and Alec was at the door the next moment—Magnus could swear he saw dust cloud as he quickly made his way there.

He felt nervous, he was thinking about Lydia’s visit since last night, that he wanted to talk to her. He needed advice, he needed to understand things, and not just because of Alec but because of himself. He didn’t want Alec to drag him into the darkness and he really needed some professional advice from someone who knew Alec but wasn’t his family.

Lydia walked into the house with a smile on her face and placed her bag on the dining table.

“Good morning, Magnus,” she said and looked at him from head to toe, “so good to see you.”

“Good morning, Lydia,” he greeted her and Alec was next to her at the next moment.

“So, how were these past two weeks? I’m dying to kno—” She lengthened the o when Magnus waved at her—he hated Pictionary and games like that because he sucked at them. Well, not at drawing of course, or at describing but the acting...his friends always laughed at him when they played that board game and how the hell do you act out the word ‘traffic jam’, he hated it—and he glanced at Alec to see if he’d noticed his jiggling but it seemed like Lydia had got what he wanted so she continued, “to know what you guys are up to these days?” She turned her head to Alec at the end of her question like she was expecting him to answer, but her eyes stayed on Magnus.

“Nothing splendid,” Alec murmured sarcastically with an annoyed expression on his face and stretched his hand out. Magnus’ eyes widened and made a face but he had not much time to be taken aback by Alec’s words, so he quickly turned his head back to Lydia.

Magnus mouthed ‘I want to talk to you after this’ quickly while he was trying to act it as well, but when Lydia placed her hand on her mouth, he knew his acting skills had failed him.

“Okay then,” she said and nodded at Magnus that she had understood what he meant and he mouthed a ‘thank you’ back at her, while she placed the handle of her bag in Alec’s hand.

“Tick tock,” Alec said when he started to walk toward the entrance hall and Lydia rolled her eyes.

“I know you can’t wait to start with your exercises, Alec,” she said after she turned on her heels and was on her way following him.

“The highlight of my day,” Magnus heard Alec’s answer.

“I know, I know. Want me to come weekly?” She giggled and Magnus smiled too but he didn’t hear Alec’s answer, they were already down on the ground floor.

He didn’t like that he had to do this behind Alec’s back but he couldn’t find another way to let Lydia know what he wanted without Alec’s knowledge.

They were taking longer with their exercises than the last time and he couldn’t help but wonder why that was and when they would be done when he heard them come back into the dining room, Lydia first, Alec in tow.

“Magnus, would you walk me out? I want to give you a paper with instructions for some exercises. It’s in my car,” she said seriously and Magnus was wondering if there was anything wrong with Alec’s eyes, “I’m afraid you’ll have to help to Alec with them,” Lydia said and Magnus looked at Alec immediately. The man crossed his arms over his chest and dropped his head back—he was over the moon and back from the idea, that much was clearly evident—.

“Yeah, okay,” Magnus said and stood up, following her to the front door.

“Next time, Alec,” she said on her way out but Alec didn’t reply.

Magnus closed the front door behind him and went after her.

“Is there something wrong with his eyes?” Magnus asked a bit apprehensive.

“No, his eyes are healthy as ever,” she said and bent forward the car’s trunk which was already open while she reached it, “but some extra exercise never hurts,” she added while she was rummaged in the trunk, “you wanted to talk to me,” she straightened her body and handed him a sheet of paper before closing the trunk, “that is, if I got it right,” she smirked and stepped in front of him.

“Yeah, yes, you did,” he answered and cleared his throat, “did you talk to him?”

“Of course, Magnus. We talked about many things,” she answered and he knew she was trying to see where he was going with his question.

“It’s been so hard with him lately, I just...I really don’t know what to do or how to approach him,” he confessed, expecting some backlash from Lydia.

“I have no idea what happened to him lately for him to be like this.”

“Do you think it’s because of me? I mean I’ve pretty much disrupted his world and he clearly hates that.”

“Magnus, I like you but don’t give yourself too much credit. Alec has gone through things you and I couldn’t even begin to imagine. I have an idea because I treat patients like him on a daily basis and I see it firsthand, but the truth is, not even I can.”

“Is he still processing the accident?” He asked and Lydia sighed and crossed her arms over her chest glancing away for a couple of seconds before she looked back at Magnus.

“Well, I would say he processed the accident and he did it pretty well. What he hasn’t processed yet is all the loss that the accident, the event itself, caused in his life. It’s a very complex thing, Magnus and I really can’t talk about it with you,” she gave an apologetic look.

“Of course, I know… I know and I totally understand,” Magnus lowered his head.

“Have you ever looked deep into his eyes, Magnus?” Lydia asked and he shook his head, “it’s frightening,” she said and Magnus’ eyes widened.

She probably noticed it because she started laughing, making Magnus feel even more confused. She lowered and shook her head lightly before looking back at him.

“Alec has these captivating angelic eyes that are impossible; his look tells you more than you can imagine and make real eye contact with him is dangerous, like _very_ dangerous, because it’s like he can see you, straight into your soul,” she stopped and took a deep breath, “but at the same time it’s lovely, in a way that it gives you hope.”

“What do you mean?” Magnus asked, still confused by Lydia’s words.

“I’ve had and still have so many patients, Magnus and yet, I’ve never seen eyes like his, with so much life in them. Alec’s eyes don’t reflect his words and actions, they sparkle from the inside out, they hold onto an endless kind of love. His eyes have their own vocabulary, they can’t fool you if you learn their language,” she said and Magnus just stared at her, “am I making any sense?” She asked.

“I think so, maybe,” Magnus nodded.

“All I’m saying is that he is far from being a blind man, and he is actually further from that grumpy-person he is trying to be,” she explained and gestured with her hands while she was doing it.

“What should I do then, Lydia?” Magnus tried not to sound too desperate.

“I can see that you are patient with him, which is great, keep it up because he has his ups and downs,” she said.

“I’ve noticed,” Magnus groaned and threw his head back.

“He needs new experiences, Magnus,” she started, “and I know it’s really hard to understand that as an outsider,” she stepped forward, and placed her hand on Magnus’ forearm, “believe me,  even though I know all his medical and personal background, Alec is a difficult case for me too,” Lydia pulled her hand back, looking at Magnus softly but she remained silent.

Magnus could see there was more, she wanted to tell him more, and her eyes were looking everywhere like she was searching for something around them before she took a very deep breath, her chest lifting highly then she looked at Magnus again.

“It’s more like it’s about love,” she finally said.

“Love?” Magnus asked, not trying to hide the surprise in his voice. His mind started to work immediately but the therapist brought him back to the conversation.

“Love, in general,” she said, “he’s lost almost everything he had loved in his life. I can tell that much from the way he went back to his regular life in such a short period of time. You can see how he has managed to live with his blindness, he could live a fulfilling life because he has this ability, but,” she paused, she was clearly thinking what to say next, “but he feels useless, he wants us to believe he is useless, not worth caring for. As I told you, there is no reason for him not to have a life as normal as it can be, all his medical records say the same, as his therapist I say so. But my personal opinion is that love is the key. Love in general. He needs to love this world again but from a different perspective,” she said and Magnus keep watching her, trying to process her words, he just nodded and returned Lydia’s fond smile before she turned on her heels and headed to the driver’s door.

She opened the car door and looked back at Magnus, holding the door.

“See you next time, Magnus,” she said just before she got in the car.

Magnus was standing there with the piece of paper in his hand, watching the luxurious red car drove away.

He really believed Lydia’s words, after what happened on that certain rainy afternoon and when Isabelle came over last week, Alec’s whole demeanor was somehow different. The way in which he had touched her face, how he’d hugged her and the way he had teased her so loosely were a tell-tale he hadn’t been paying attention to. He really believed what the others said, he really did, but experiencing the opposite first hand was a different story and Magnus couldn’t help but think that he might have done something wrong and he really didn’t know how to do it well.

He tried to push away his thoughts because even if he wasn’t doing it well, he was still trying and still wanted to be a suitable caretaker for Alec. He’d never been lazy when it came to working and if he was employed he would always try and do his job in the best way possible.

But this was all so hard and it was so difficult and it made him feel so tired mentally, that his brain was spinning and for a second he thought it would have been better if he had learned how to ride a bike instead and had applied for that deliver job he and Catarina saw on the advertising page where he found the job as a caretaker. Maybe riding a bike the whole day long wouldn’t have been as tiring as dealing with Alec Lightwood and his unpredictable behavior was. Magnus couldn’t know… he’d never had a bike and had never ridden one and had never even tried.

He turned around, looking up at the brownstone house and sighed. He liked that house and he believed that he would really like to work there if the circumstances had been different. If only Alec would behave differently.

He sighed again and walked to the front door; he might try to strike up a conversation with him. Maybe he wasn’t _that_ down after Lydia’s visit.

***

 

 

Alec was making himself some coffee. That week, his mom had sent him some Krispy Kreme donuts and he was having sinful thoughts at the idea of one of those melting in his mouth. He was glad, perhaps his mom wasn’t that mad at him anymore but the truth was, she usually didn’t stay angry at him for long.

Alec heard Magnus walk into the dining room. He didn’t know where he’d been all day but Magnus had been apparently busy. That was his demeanor lately. They’ve kept avoiding each other most of the time but that hadn’t prevented them from having these encounters. The coffee maker beeped and he turned to grab his mug, bringing it to the kitchen island with him. iPad on, he thought, and went straight to his Speech app.

“Hey, Alec, you’ve got this History of Museums book on your shelf, it’s pretty awesome. Where did you get it?” Magnus’ voice startled him and he felt bile rushing to his head.

That book was a rare edition that his parents had given him as a birthday present a while ago, he loved it and it was very dear to him. The problem he was having wasn’t the book itself. It really was a pretty awesome edition and well, at least Magnus as an art student could appreciate it. The problem was that he’d been keeping a few pictures hidden in that book. They were of a time when Alec and Shane—boyfriend of doom fantastique—had gone to Lake Tahoe on a long weekend. Those pictures, in particular, were of him by a deck over the lake near the chalet where they were staying. They’d just arrived and he was marveled by the sight. He’d been taken by surprise by the blue of the place and by how its water reflected everything around it.

They’d chosen this place deep into an area surrounded by woods and he’d fallen in love with it at once. He, being an architect, was used to seeing the world in terms of what he could build to change the scenery around him and improve it, but this time, he’d realized this place was a small heaven on Earth.

He’d left his phone in his car and the next minute he knew, Shane had it in his hands and was shamelessly taken pictures of him with it. Damn option of opening the camera without unlocking the phone.

Those pictures were of him in complete and utter happiness and not even his family had seen them. He’d been caught unguarded, relishing in the sight before him. It had been of a moment in which the entire world had disappeared and there were no Lightwoods, no Shane, not even himself. It was just the water and the incredible immensity of nature.

Alec opened and closed his eyes uneasy. He’d even made Shane believe he’d deleted them, and after they broke up—more like after Shane had dumped him because he couldn’t see anymore—he’d hidden them. Those pictures and the memories of Lake Tahoe were engraved in his memory. He could still see the pristine water and the amazing, powerful sun reflecting on it, showing him layers of rock under the water that invited him to be amazed and simply admire.

A few months later after going there, the accident had happened and that place had become a painful memory of a time when he’d believed the world was his.

He felt for a second as if his privacy had been violated. Who was this man and why did he have to just crash against everything he had built for himself. Alec wasn’t in contemplation of the world anymore, he was molding it to his needs and Magnus Bane did not have any right to stomp on him and what he had achieved.

Magnus had just gone on and on about museums and how he’d always wanted to go the Guggenheim in Bilbao, as he loved the one in New York and how he wanted to go to every one of the Guggenheim in the world.

“Why did you get your nose where you weren’t supposed to? Didn’t anyone taught you not to touch other people’s stuff?” Alec asked immediately, tilting his head. He knew the other wouldn’t understand right away, so he pushed a little bit further, let him know he wasn’t welcome. “Didn’t your momma teach you any better, Magnus?”

The words came out of his mouth with such hatred and violence that he wasn’t surprised when silence was the other answer her received. He was about to show a victorious smirk and leave Magnus there when he heard him cleared his throat.

“As a matter of fact, Alec, she didn’t,” Magnus began, his tone was serious, “she passed away after a long and painful illness when I was a kid ergo I’ve been by myself most of my life. I wasn’t lucky enough to have a mom like yours, asshole,” he said and Alec felt like he was kicked in the stomach by Magnus’ words.

He opened his mouth to say something else but nothing came out. He heard Magnus moving in his chair and then his footstep as he walked out of the dining room, out from the parlor and down to the ground floor.

It wasn’t just Magnus’ words that had affected him so; it had been the tone in his voice. There was such hurt in it. He had inflicted a sort of damage beyond his intentions and he felt at that very moment like he would kick himself if only he could.

Alec started to breathe heavily, his heart racing as he was standing still and then he ran his fingers through his hair, cursing himself. He turned on his heels, going after Magnus—at least he tried—for he bumped against the wall where the parlor and the entrance hall met. He needed to trail his hand along it because he was disoriented and had no idea where he was. Right then, he couldn’t define the places around him, he was lost in his own house.

Once he reached the stairs leading down to the ground floor, he grabbed the railing and the wall and went down. He stopped at the end of the stairs when he heard some noise coming from the bathroom next to the laundry room. He placed his hand on the wall again and started to walk toward it.

As he was getting closer, the noise became clearer and he bumped against the little table where he usually put his shaker and belongings while he was working out.

Alec finally reached the door, putting his palms on it before leaning forward, resting his forehead against it.

He felt like his heart was bleeding as he heard Magnus’ sobs through the closed door.

He wanted to say he was sorry. He hadn’t meant it, not really. He would never have said something like that if he had known, but he did… and he knew that, at that point when he had said it out loud, he had meant it…

He pulled away from the door and knocked on lightly.

“Magnus,” he started.

“Just leave me alone, Alec!” Magnus shouted from the other side of the door and Alec stepped back. He swallowed, at least he tried but he couldn’t, gasping for air and his lungs seemed to have frozen. It was as if a heavy stone was lying on his chest, he couldn’t breathe. He would have passed out at any minute. But he didn’t, unfortunately.

The tables had finally turned on him. He, Alec, was no longer in control of anything.

The way Magnus had just said his name, the anger in his voice, the evident hurt in it, they had moved him profoundly. It wasn’t my intention, he meant to say, yet the words couldn’t take shape on his lips.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and he was sure that the other didn’t hear him, though. That was all he could do, whisper, for his own voice had failed him, probably out of the shame that was consuming him.

He was standing there with a pounding heart and shaking hands, listening to the other man’s sobs for a couple of minutes before he turned around and went back to upstairs.

Alec felt like the shittiest person in the world, and his sister’s words echoed in his mind and then his mother’s and Lydia’s… He had become a monster. He hurt the people around him willingly, he put an enormous effort into pushing everybody away without realizing how much he was hurting others with his cruel words. Just like he had done with Magnus.

“Damn it,” he cursed as he bumped into a chair on his way to the kitchen.

He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and sat on the island and waited. He really couldn’t do more.

He was staring at nothing in front of him, twirling the bottle on the island’s surface for God knew how long when he heard muffled footsteps coming closer.

It was him, who else could it be? He heard Magnus as he packed his stuff, zipping his bag. He heard him arranging some things in the parlor before coming back into the kitchen, placing his backpack on the counter, according to its sound. He opened the faucet and Alec guessed he was doing the dishes, then there were some cupboard doors opening and closing, then the fridge and he heard unzipping and then zipping again.

He wasn’t coming back, Alec thought. That was it. Alec Lightwood had done his job. He wanted this. And now that it was happening he should be pleased and happy.

Why wasn’t he happy then?

There was no pause in Magnus’ movement while he was busy around. There wasn’t a dull moment when Alec could have had an opportunity to say something. Anything. Say something like what, really? Alec lowered his head, feeling ashamed.

He heard Magnus as he grabbed his bag and left the kitchen, going toward the front door with quick steps. Alec heard as he pressed the security code and slammed the door closed after that.

Alec’s grip grew tighter around the water bottle before lifting it up quickly and hitting its bottom against the island.

“Fuck,” he cursed.

What the hell should he do now? Call his mom and tell her that he had won again by hurting another person and making her sad? Call Izzy and tell her what he did and ask her for advice on how to fix it? Izzy would be raw honest with him and she would tell him just how awfully bad he had been which in turn would only make him feel more miserable than he already was. Did he really want to fix it, anyway?

He ran his fingers through his hair, then buried his face in his palms, rubbing his eyes with his fingertips. He snorted when the familiar white spots didn’t appear in front of him. He could only see something rather than the usual darkness when he rubbed his eyes but that was only an illusion, the white spots were unreal. The only real thing right then was the darkness.

And Alec was dark, he had become dark, in the inside and on the outside.    

There really was no salvation for him.

 

Even though he’d spent a long period of time on the treadmill after Magnus left, he just couldn’t sit at the island anymore and couldn’t fall asleep. He was lost in his inner thoughts, his head spinning, he needed to calm down to think clearly.

He checked the time on his iWatch, it was already very late in the middle of the night, and so he decided to get some pills—from back in the day—to help him sleep. He got out of bed quickly and headed down to the kitchen. He needed to trail his hands along the wall after he had almost fallen from the stairs. What the hell was wrong with him? He had missed a step and a turn at the parlor and had almost fallen over an armchair. And he got even angrier at himself after every mistake he had made on his way to the kitchen.

The last drop was when he somehow dropped a glass on the floor and he heard it breaking into pieces.

I was like the world was against him, but the truth was that he was against the world and now he only deserved the same treatment.

***

 

Camille had been an evil bitch—no need to attenuate the history, because she pretty much was, well, like the worst—but she had never, ever in the entire time they had spent together, hurt Magnus as much as Alec had hurt him that night. Not once.

Alec Asshole Lightwood succeeded even though Magnus had thought that the man couldn’t get any worse. Magnus had been wrong. Again.

Camille was an expert at killing with words—the award-winning type—or giving murderous looks and damn, she had even done some terrible things that made Magnus get goosebumps on his back only by thinking about them.

His relationship with Camille had been like sailing a boat in the middle of the ocean. Sometimes, there had been big waves. Sometimes, the water had been calm. Some other times, the reflection of the bright sun on the water surface illuminated their faces making Magnus blind, forcing him not to see what was underneath the serene surface. Oblivious to what was deep down at the bottom of the ocean.

And yes, he had been devastated when all the truth had come up, floating around them for a while, until he had decided that he couldn’t be in the same boat with her anymore.

Back then, he had felt like he was drowning, the depth had pulled him down, the pressure of the water above him had grown bigger and heavier, making it hard to breathe. He had needed every strength to survive. And he had. He was standing there after coming out stronger from that relationship.

He was sipping his wine on the balcony—he didn’t want to drink any martini and end up drunk. The last thing he wanted was to go to work the next day with a hangover, and the wine only made his body numb enough to handle the pain and hurt he felt as he was thinking about some of the most painful memories in his life.

Camille had definitely been one of them, even though there had been happy moments, mostly at the beginning of their relationship, those weren’t enough to equal or even overweight the bad ones—and the other had been… well, that was another kind of love altogether.

The memory was still clear in his mind although he had only been six back then. She had been lying in bed for days and she couldn’t take him to school on the first day or the days after. She had been weak but her face had always shown this kind of happiness when he told her about his classes. Magnus had made her happy by only showing her his books and sharing his days with her.

He closed his eyes and remembered fondly that smile she gave him whenever Magnus had gotten the best marks in his class, she had been so proud. And Magnus had learned hard how to make his mommy happy. She had checked every homework of his. She had spent a whole period of the school year in bed but there hadn’t been much time when she didn’t check Magnus’ books, in her last days, she’d had to do it with the help of a nurse and Magnus clearly remembered when she had coughed blood on one of his books and had started crying because Magnus had to do his homework all over again. But he hadn’t been mad about it, he had done it willingly. He had loved school and had loved learning, and every subject because he could make his mommy happy.

His mommy couldn’t check his homework by the time he’d gotten to second grade, she hadn’t been there anymore. But Magnus had kept studying hard, knowing that it had made his mother happy.

He was still sitting across the outdoor couch on the balcony, legs stretched out, his back leaning against the armrest. He felt as a tear rolled down his face and the summer breeze made him shiver, so he brought his legs to his chest.

Asswood was right, he was Goddamn right. His mother hadn't had the opportunity to teach him everything a mother is supposed to teach her child. He had learned everything in the foster system and later from Luke. And life had certainly taught him well.

And he didn’t know, he had no idea, couldn’t even imagine why life had treated him like that. He had no good explanation for all the terrible experiences he had lived—why him? Why Magnus Bane? Hadn’t he come through stronger thanks to them, anyway?

That teardrop was probably the last one because no others came. He just let out a silent sob and let himself being weak on that night.

Magnus grabbed his phone and called Luke. It was an impulse, something silly to do in the middle of the night, and his dad didn’t take long to answer.

“Magnus? Are you okay son?”

“Yeah….it’s just...it’s been a while,” he said, trying to hide the sadness in his voice. He could hear movement on the phone, Luke was probably sitting down in bed, he must have woken up. “I’m sorry I called so late.”

“It’s okay, I’d just gotten in bed, it was a late night at the precinct,” Luke answered and Magnus could hear the yawn he’d just swallowed.

“Liar. You were deep in sleep, go back to it, I…” he chuckled at his dad’s antics and sighed. “I just missed you dad. I’m sorry I missed Father’s day…”

“You’ve got a new job and you need to focus on things. Come this weekend, we can catch up and you can make your fancy cocktails.”

“Yes, I’d love that,” he nodded even though he knew Luke wasn’t seeing him.

“Then we’re settled! Jocelyn will come with Clary too and we’ll have a nice barbeque day together.”

“I can’t wait to see you all. Bye, dad.”

“Bye, son. Love you.”

Magnus smiled before answering, “love you too. Bye.”

Magnus sighed deep and brought the phone against his chest and allowed himself a moment of sadness. He had loved his mom more than anything in the world but when he lost her he’d been lucky too. If his mom hadn’t died, he wouldn’t have found Luke and when he did, the two of them had made their own family. Jocelyn and Clary had come along the way, a good friend of Luke’s childhood—someone Luke was ridiculously in love with, even though they hadn’t made anything formal yet— and together, their small families were so close, the lines between them were blurry by then. Jocelyn had been great to him and he loved her and Clary to pieces. He was glad they were still around and loved Luke as much as he did, for they were a family. The one along with Ragnor, Raphael, and Catarina where he was loved and happy.

The family his mom had guided him to, for he believed she had put those amazing people on his way.

Magnus went to bed then, with a quiet mind and a grateful heart. The memories of his mom in his dreams as he dreamt of his life as a child, with a loving mother by his side.

 _  
_ He was on his way to the brownstone the next morning, thinking that he was almost halfway through the two-month clause and that if he could manage this long then he was going to make it because he was strong and Lightwood wasn’t going to mess up with his plans. He was nobody to him, he wasn’t even his boss, Maryse Lightwood was. She was the Ronald McDonald here and Alec was the Big Mac. And Magnus had handled the Big Mac—he would never eat it, though—at McDonald’s. He just hated the smell of the place and the horrendous uniforms he could never wear; and that was saying a lot, he, the grandioso Magnus Bane prided himself in being able to wear whatever he wanted to. Except for that, definitely. By God. Silver linings.

He climbed the stairs of the brownstone, noticing a box in front of the door—that kind which contained Alec’s breakfast and stuff. He shrugged,  it hadn’t been the first time he’d found it outside and didn’t mind bringing it in. Alec might have lost track of time on the treadmill or might have had a late night and had fallen asleep on the couch like the week before, so he took the box after he opened the door. He quickly pressed the security code and was about to go to the kitchen with the box when he stopped on his tracks at the entrance hallway.

His heart started to pound in his chest as he noticed blood all over the floor, leading to the kitchen’s and on the railing and the stairs to the upper floor. He became nervous, taking some steps toward the kitchen but couldn’t see anybody.

“Alec?” He called for him going to the parlor, leaving the box on the armchair along with his backpack.

He was trying to listen for any noise but there was only silence. He tracked the blood leading to the kitchen and followed the spots with his eyes. His heart was racing and every terrible possibility popped up in his mind. He walked to the stairs and took a deep breath before starting to climb them, looking where he stepped. There had been blood on every fourth or fifth step. As he reached the upper floor he saw the blood led to Alec’s room, and there was a huge red splodge on the white door.

He fished his iPhone from his pocket with a shaky hand as he walked toward the room—ready to call the ambulance—and opened the door slowly without any warning.  

He was about to faint as he saw Alec lying on the bed on the side, there was blood here and there on the white and light blue bedclothes. Painful memories flooded Magnus’ mind unwittingly, seeing blood on the bed sheet really made his heart ache.

Aside from it the fact that there was blood everywhere, it was weirder the fact that Alec, who always rose with the sun, was currently still sleeping—and he really hoped that he was actually sleeping, he wasn’t sure—. This whole thing was really making him nervous and worried.

As he walked closer to Alec, he noticed him breathing, his upper body was lifting and sinking at a steady and calm pace. He needed to make sure Alec was okay, so he crouched down next to the bed and placed his hand on Alec’s shoulder.

“Alec?” He shook his shoulder gently, he didn’t want to scare him or something.

Alec moved a little in the bed and hummed, but it didn’t seem like he was about to wake up. Magnus squeezed his shoulder with his thumb.

“Alexander, wake up, please,” he said again in a low voice.

“Hum?” He murmured covering his eyes with his arm, without opening them—Magnus would have said that he looked cute and adorable but the circumstances and the person in question didn’t deserve his admiration at that point—.

“Alec, are you okay? What happened?” Magnus shook his shoulder gently again and Alec’s eyes popped wide open suddenly.

“Magnus?” He asked, his voice was hoarse as he spoke and lifted his head from the pillow, leaning on his elbow as he raised his upper body. Magnus could see dried blood on his hand as he rubbed his face and Magnus swallowed dry, pulling his hand back.

“I’m crouching here, next to your bed,” Magnus said when he saw Alec’s eyes looking around the room probably for him and Magnus could recognize a little bit of fear in his expression. He might have thought that Magnus was about to leave him, he wasn’t sure, “Alec, what happened? The whole house looks like a horror movie,” he asked gently, leaning his elbow on the very edge of the bed while keeping his distance. He needed to keep his balance, crouching there wasn’t that comfortable.

“What do you mean?” Alec asked confused and narrowed his eyes.

“There’s blood everywhere,” Magnus answered and Alec’s eyes widened and he started looking everywhere around the room. Magnus could tell he was thinking, perhaps trying to find the words to explain himself.

“Oh,” he breathed, “the thing is… I… I cut myself last night,” Alec said in a low voice, “I just don’t know how bad it was.”

“Alexander…” Magnus said and lifted his hand to put it on Alec’s cheek, seeing as the other man froze but didn’t pull back, “why did you cut yourself?” Magnus asked. He knew Alec was grumpy, and couldn’t help but wonder what had happened, his mind spinning with thoughts that maybe he had been trying to hide his depression behind those remarks, rude and raw behavior.

“Oh, God, no! I didn’t… It wasn’t on purpose, I’d never…” Alec shook his head and fell back on the pillows. Magnus’ hand remained in the air before pulling it back, “I… I broke a glass, I… I…and then I tried to pick up the pieces, and...” he said hesitantly, “it was an accident.”

“Where’s the cut?” Magnus asked softly, he just wanted to make sure Alec hadn’t tried to commit suicide; he didn’t know his mental health history, and for all he knew, that might have been the case.

Alec turned on his back and lifted his hand, showing it to him. Magnus could see a huge cut on Alec’s palm underneath his thumb and many other small cuts across it. His skin was red around the cuts, but the big one, that didn’t look exactly fine. He grabbed Alec’s wrist without warning and pulled his hand closer to check the wound.

“I need to clean it and wrap it with a bandage,” he said, looking at Alec whose eyes were locked on the ceiling, “where’s the first-aid kit?”

“In the kitchen,” Alec only whispered and Magnus saw his Adam’s apple bob.

“Okay,” he said and took a deep breath, “there’s blood everywhere, so I’m gonna guide you down there,” he announced confidently and Alec nodded, “just let me know how to do this. I’ve been reading a lot about guiding blind people, so I think I’m okay with how it works,” Magnus said and stood up, taking a couple of steps back as he saw Alec move in the bed.

Alec sat up first and the cover fell from his upper body. Magnus saw some blood splashed and smeared on his blue t-shirt. He tossed the cover aside, exposing his long bare legs. Magnus looked away as he realized Alec was only wearing boxers—not that he hadn’t seen his legs when he had worn those shorts before, but still—but when he looked back at him and saw Alec standing up, Magnus could tell that Alec wasn’t feeling that uncomfortable. He rubbed the back of his head, then. Yes, he was more uncomfortable with the fact that Magnus had to lead him to the kitchen and take care of his cut because he couldn’t do it by himself than over his lack of grooming.

Magnus walked in front of him and he saw that Alec followed him with his head. He looked up at him, deep into his eyes. Those hazel irises were surrounded by bloodshot white and Magnus cleared his throat. He realized then that it as the first time he’d actually paid any attention to them.

“Shall we?” He asked and Alec nodded. “Okay,” Magnus made sure he was standing properly a few steps ahead of him and took his healthy hand in his, bringing it up to his shoulder. When he said he’d been reading those instructions about guiding blind people, he actually meant he’d gotten online in some YouTube links and had watched most of them.

“Do you mind if I hold on from here?” Alec whispered and trailed his hand to Magnus upper arm.

“Of course not, I just… in the videos I watched they mostly led with the shoulders, but I saw they hold on to the arm too,” Magnus explained and paused when he realized that he shouldn’t be talking. Not now.

“It’s easier to follow your… the guider’s walking pace, at least it is for me, but I guess we are all different,” Alec lowered his head and somehow Magnus expected a blind remark when he said ‘we’ but somehow he felt like Alec didn’t talk about blind people, he might mean all the people in general. But Magnus didn’t want to talk about it. Actually, he was fine if they didn’t say much or nothing at all.

“Yeah, sure,” he said and turned around slowly, so Alec could still hold his upper arm.

Magnus started to walk out of the bedroom and Alec followed him. They went along the hallway to the stairs following one line, avoiding five blood covered spots. Not that Magnus was counting.

Magnus stopped at the beginning of the stairs and Alec did the same without bumping into him. Magnus looked down, trying to plan how to go downstairs without stepping on blood.

“I can follow every step you take, just go like I’m not here,” Alec said in a low voice, he probably sensed Magnus’ hesitation.

“Okay, okay, great, thanks,” he said with one breath and started to go down.

Alec’s grip around his upper arm wasn’t strong, only a light touch. It was like he just needed to know the direction as he followed exactly the same path Magnus took, they took every step together, moving in sync and Magnus felt like Alec even drew the same breaths Magnus did.

Magnus remembered how he felt when he watched those videos. He couldn’t help but compared them to a painting. It was like leading the brush on a canvas. At first, when you’re just learning, you just make a bunch of awkward strokes that seem to want to go somewhere and you hesitate, not knowing whether you were doing it right or not. You know your final outcome, where you want to be, but you need reassurance and you gain it from the brush on your hands and the comfort of the transformation on the canvas in front of your eyes. That was him, taking baby steps into learning something whose destination seemed clear but he was still hesitant about. The other side of the coin was Alec who’d already walked his own path into learning. Alec was confident in every step he was taking, burying his fingers slightly on his arm just to show him how to guide him. Alec was the expert painter, the one who could dip the brush in painting and could create a whole landscape or an abstract thought could come to life with the finesse of experience.

You needed to trust yourself so the guided could trust you because you were the eyes of the blind. In this case, Magnus was Alec’s eyes.

And yet, neither one still trust the other. Magnus wasn’t sure what to think. Alec’s demeanor was different and it couldn’t have been just the injury in his hand. There was something else which he was purposely pushing deep into his mind so that he didn’t start thinking too much into things. He was still mad at Alec, things hadn’t changed on his part, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be compassionate and help him.

He led Alec to the sink first and opened the faucet, he took his wrist and held it under the water to rinse his hand.

“Hold it there,” Magnus said and let go of Alec’s hand to grab a towel from the drawer next to the sink. He closed the faucet and carefully dried his hand around the wound. Alec had beautiful hands, his fingers were long and his nails had perfect shapes. Those hands used to build things and create shapes. And those same hands had learned to see the world differently, and read it and figure it out by just feeling.

Stop, he chided himself. It wasn’t either the moment or the time to think too much about things he shouldn’t be thinking about.

Once he finished wiping Alec’s hand, he took his left—the good one now—, and put it on his upper arm, leading Alec to the stool he usually sat on, pulling it out for him.

“Thank you,” Alec whispered.

“Okay, hum, where can I find the first-aid kit?” Magnus asked while Alec took a seat.

“In the cupboard on the left end, second shelf,” Alec answered. Magnus’ eyebrow rose along with his mouth. Still no nasty remarks, very unlike Alec.

“Okay,” Magnus went around the island, watching carefully where he stepped as he reached the cupboard. He found the box and went back to Alec, placing it on the top of the island. He went back to the sink and washed his own hands.

He glanced at Alec over his shoulder but his eyes stayed on him. Magnus’ heart started to ache as he watched Alec, sitting there still with a lowered head and hanging shoulders, much as if he wanted to sink down and disappear, his expression seemed sad, lost and worried at the same time.

And his eyes… his eyes seemed thoughtful. He wasn’t paying any attention to the noise Magnus made. Magnus closed the faucet and grabbed a clean kitchen towel to wipe his own hands, walking back to Alec.

He pulled a stool out and sat in front of Alec, taking his wrist and bringing it up to put it on the top of the island with his palm up. He pulled the box closer to him to take what he needed from of it. He looked for the antibiotic ointment, some cotton swabs, gauze pads, and a bandage.

Magnus observed Alec’s hand carefully. Since they’d already cleaned Alec’s hand, he simply took a little of the antibiotic with the cotton swab and carefully covered the cut on Alec’s palm with it. He took inventory of the damage and although the cut had been deep under his thumb, apart from the other small cuts, Alec’s hand was good. He looked at the house and what he could see, and the blood everywhere gave away more than it had actually happened.  He placed the non-sticky piece of gauze on the wound and started to wrap the bandage around Alec’s hand. He covered around the thumb carefully and finally did the same across the hand so that the whole palm was coated with the ointment and covered with the bandage.

He sensed Alec’s gaze on him and he looked up at him. Magnus swallowed as their eyes met again. He knew that Alec couldn’t see him, but somehow he had always felt that the man could do just that. Somehow, it always seemed like there was life in those eyes under those long black lashes. Again, Lydia’s words came to him.

Alec parted his mouth slightly and Magnus’ eyes dropped on his lips then.

“Magnus, I’m… I’m so sorry,” Alec said as he breathed deep taking him by surprise. Magnus stopped what he was doing and closed his eyes quickly, swallowing dry. He didn’t want to think about yesterday. He just couldn’t. Not now. And Alec was saying he was sorry and he didn’t know what to do or what to say back. Things weren’t alright but Alec couldn’t say that to him, could he?

“Alec, if you have a tiny bit of respect left for me, then pl—”

“Okay,” he cut him off, nodding lightly, sinking his head lower.

Magnus finished with Alec’s hand and packed the rest of the stuff back in the box and threw what he had used ones into the trash.

“Could you give me some plastic wrap?” Alec asked in a low voice and Magnus’ eyes widened, “I think I’m gonna take a shower and I don’t want to ruin your piece of art,” he said with such sadness that Magnus was just staring at him motionless. There was something odd and this was the confirmation of it. Something was missing from Alec’s tone of voice. How weird it was to hear Alec without his usual sarcasm… This remark, that the bandage he’d made around the other’s hand was a piece of art, was the kind he would smile at, but at this moment he just couldn’t.

He stood up from the island and went to the counter, pulling the drawer where the roll of plastic wrap was kept. He took it out and went back to Alec but he didn’t sit back this time. He wrapped the plastic around his hand on the bandage and did it quickly. Right then, he didn’t want to be on the receiving end of Alec kindness, if that was what he could call it.

“Thank you,” Alec said.

“Go, take a shower, I’m gonna take care of this mess,” Magnus looked around.  “I guess I need to guide you back upstairs,” he realized as he remembered how they had come down.

“I think I can go back following the same route,” Alec said and stood up from the stool, and taking a step toward the hallway.

“You do?” Magnus asked surprised and Alec nodded.

“Thank you,” Alec began and turned back to face Magnus, he showed him his hand before closing his eyes, “Magnus, I’m so—”

“Alec, please, don’t! I beg you,” Magnus cried out and Alec lowered his head before turning on his heels quickly and walking away. Magnus sat on the stool, leaning on his elbows, rubbing his forehead with his fingers. He couldn’t deal with it, he really couldn’t. It wasn’t that he couldn’t accept apologies from someone; it was that Alec had been so nasty and rude to him for the past month that it had taken a lot of strength and Catarina’s pep talk, and of telling himself he could do this. Taking this job had been a lot of work, mostly emotionally. How can you relate to someone who doesn’t want you to be around them? He hadn’t taken it personally until the day before. To him, Alec was the person he looked after, Maryse’s son, her boss’s son. And thanks to his conversations with Lydia, Maryse, even Isabelle herself the one time they’d met, he could tell Alec was a man who needed company, someone to talk to, not just entertainment even though they had called his job that, entertainment.

He understood at a deep level that the whole “didn’t your momma teach you any better” meant and the spite in Alec’s voice when he’s said. He was trying to understand why the whole fuss over a book that in his opinion was good. It couldn’t have been about those pictures he’d found in it, that’d be silly. Alec seemed happy on those. And things had always been so bad between them that he’d just put them back in the book without paying much attention to them. He was at a loss at trying to understand where the other one was coming from.

And for him, well, for him his mom was a delicate topic. His love for her was above everything. He still mourned her loss, but also her life and the time they’d managed to have together. She’d cared so much for him that she’d made sure that once he was old enough, he received the money she’d saved her whole life, and that money had given him ease to be able to study and have a good life.

Magnus took a deep sigh when he heard the door closing upstairs. He stood up and went to take the mop and a bucket from a narrower cupboard next to the pantry; he knew the maid had taken them from there the other day. He found some cleaning products in the counter under the sink and poured some into the bucket before filling it with water.

He brought the bucket and the mop upstairs, leaving them on the first stair leading to the third floor, he didn’t think Alec would want to go there, and after a quick look, he realized there wasn’t any blood on the stairs, so he decided to focus on the rest of the house.

He took a deep breath and went into Alec’s bedroom, he quickly took off the dirty bed-clothes and sheets and ran down to the laundry with them. He just placed them in the washer in a long cycle so that they got soaked and the blood could come out without leaving any stains.

Magnus ran back upstairs, taking the steps in twos and looked for the linen closet. He found a set of navy blue duvet and pillowcases and a white bed sheet; they all smelled like lavender. He heard the shower running and went back to Alec’s room put on the clean bedding. Once he finished, he started mopping the floor, then the stairs and finished in the kitchen. He brought some cleaning wipes upstairs and a dry mop. He cleaned the blood off the railing and Alec’s bedroom’s door with the wipes and after mopping the floor, he used did again using the dry one, he didn’t want Alec to slip on the wet floor and hurt himself more.

He did everything quick, he really didn’t want to run into Alec as he came out of the bathroom. He really wanted to avoid him, just because of how uncomfortable situation was. Magnus heard the water still running and it gave him some extra time.

When he was done with the stairs and the railing he went to check the parlor, the dining room, and the kitchen again. He wiped every surface again, just in case, and inhaled the fresh scent of the bleach he’d used. He heard Alec was moving upstairs so he decided to go downstairs to take the bedding out of the washing machine and in the dryer. He knew that he shouldn’t avoid him, he was his caretaker after all, he should be there for him especially after what happened with his hand and he really didn’t know what had happened exactly but he couldn’t face him. At least not yet. He was still mad albeit worried for him.

The laundry room smelled clean and when he checked the washing machine and the cycle he’d put the clothes in, he realized it was going to take longer than usual, so he went upstairs and to the kitchen to make some coffee for himself. He needed to be calm, someone had to keep his head straight and it was better if it was him.

The whole situation was overwhelming, the memories popping up in his mind, the words Alec had said to him the day before, the sight of him at the kitchen island… Right then, everything was just too much.

***

 

Alec had listened to every news, some GQ articles, re-listened Izzy’s newest one—he even started to listen to a video on the Nat Geo’s YouTube channel about lions. He had no idea how he had ended up there before he had decided to go and lift some weights.

He hadn’t wanted to bother Magnus, at least not with his presence, he hadn’t wanted to remind him that he’d hurt him. And Alec only could imagine how he had felt.

He hadn’t seen his face but had heard his sighs, his breathing, and the way he’d told him to stop talking; Alec could only guess the man pretty much hated him by then. He hated himself too.

If someone had said that to him and had affected him that much, he would have been not only hurt but fuming. He couldn’t fathom why his words had had that effect on Magnus but he shouldn’t have said them anyway. He didn’t know Magnus’ life history but just knowing he’d lost his mom at a young age had affected Alec was well. The whole thing had had a reverse impact on him.

Alec didn’t know what he would have done without Maryse. And the thought of not having his mother weighed heavy on him, and Magnus had been right, he was lucky whereas he hadn’t been so. No wonder Magnus had gotten so upset.

However, Magnus had come that day too and had even taken care of his hand when he had every right not to. He could’ve just let him, his hand could've festered unattended but no, Magnus hadn’t left him to fend for himself.

Alec had been respectful, yes, he had respected that he still came and had still tried. And Alec gave him space… After he’d spent a long period of time under the shower, he could smell the freshness of a recently clean house as he opened the bathroom door. He liked that smell, Magnus hadn’t hold back when he poured the bleach into the water. He’d shaken his head and had gone to the kitchen to grab some snacks and water. Magnus hadn’t been there and he was thankful, he really didn’t want to bother him, so he had gone back to his bedroom as quick as he could.

It was ridiculous that he was hiding in his own house but he felt like that was the right thing to do. He had locked himself up in his bedroom for most of the day. He had smelled the fresh scent of lavender which meant that Magnus had changed the bedclothes, which in turn, also reminded him of what he had done. It was torture, there was no place in the house where he could go without feeling miserable. He no longer had a safe place. He didn’t mind it, though. He deserved the punishment. He deserved it all.

After doing a little workout, he was sitting down on the bench, resting his elbows on his knees and leaning forward, trailing the fingers of his left hand on the bandage covering his right. It could have been a tiny cut, probably a bit deep as it had bled enough to have covered everything with it. It wasn’t hurting though, he hadn’t even noticed it. But it had happened, and the noise of the working dryer machine reminded him of it as well—he guessed Magnus had put the dirty covers and sheets in the machine. That he hadn’t returned to take care of it meant he was also giving him space—or was plainly avoiding him, not that he blamed him—. And he really shouldn’t have taken care of washing his mess; it wasn’t his job to do that. But he had done it because he was selfless even though Alec had hurt him badly.

He was about to start again when he heard a light knock on the door, but nothing else.

“Alec, I’m going home,” Magnus said, clearly from the other side of the closed door, “make sure you eat something, okay?” he added.

“Okay,” Alec whispered, there was no chance the other could hear him, the door was far from where he was sitting and it was closed. But Magnus said nothing, he didn’t knock on the door again, he didn’t want to check on Alec.

He lowered his head and ran his fingers through his hair before burying his face in his hands. He felt like the guilt was eating him up from the inside and he didn’t know how to fix this. Alec sat there for God knew how long, then stood up and put the weights back in their place.

He climbed the stairs and headed to the parlor but stopped at the entrance hallway, listening for noise but heard nothing, except for some cars outside. There was a dead silence in the house, even the iRobot was against Alec—it probably found it better to clean the floor when Magnus was around, not him.

He closed his eyes and sighed, he went to the kitchen, opening the fridge—even though he still didn’t feel like eating, but he had said to his caretaker that he would, at least he could do that much for him—, he trailed his fingers on the labels without taking a container out. He grabbed one with ‘fruits’ on it, turning on his heels toward the kitchen island and sat on a stool. He opened the container and the scent of strawberries hit his nose immediately. He left the lid near the container and stood up, going to the cupboard, searching for something.

He read a lot of Braille labels before he found the sugar powder. He closed the cupboard, taking a fork out of a drawer and went back to the island. He poured the powder into the container and sat on the stool. He took the first bite, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He didn’t know when he had last eaten strawberries with sugar powder on them. But he was sure that it had been before the accident. Eating strawberries with a coat of sugar or chocolate syrup was one of the things which reminded him of the good times—painful but good ones. He ate the fruits slowly, surrounded by silence.

After he washed the container and the fork and put the sugar powder back in its place, he went back to his bedroom and laid down on the bed after fishing out his phone out of his pocket. He opened his contacts and searched for Magnus’ number, he knew it was saved in it because his mom always updated his contacts with his caretaker’s number. After he found it, he went to the iMessage option then to voice dial.

“Hello Magnus, it’s Alec,” he said and waited for the phone to say it back, then he tapped some to deleted it, going to the voice dial again. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

There was silence and he heard the tiny sound the app did when it was waiting for a command.

“I’m so sorry!” He cried out loud.

**< I’m so sorry>**

He listened to the voice say it a couple of times before going to the send button. He just had to double tap. He waited for a couple of minutes then discarded the message and tossed the phone next to him on the bed.

He turned on his stomach, falling head first onto the pillow, feeling helpless. He didn’t know what to do, how to fix it. And he needed to fix it, sooner rather than later. He tried to come up with a way to apologize to Magnus in the morning but everything sounded pathetic and truth be told, there was no proper excuse for his rude behavior. Magnus never did something wrong, he always tried to be nice and kind to him.

The guilt was growing in him with every minute, every hour he spent in bed, thinking about his caretaker. He never meant to hurt anyone and yet he did, continuously. He hurt everybody around him, even his own mother who really didn’t deserve it.

He changed his position and pulled the cover over his body, closing his eyes, not bothering to change his clothes, he tried to fall asleep.

But the problem was that sleeping never came, he only tossed and turned in bed for God knew how long. He couldn’t make his racing heart stop and calm down, and his mind didn’t let him sleep either.

He sat up on the bed and smoothed his hand on the cover, finding his phone again and dialing his mother’s number. He lifted the phone to his ear and waited.

“Alec?” His mother’s voice sounded worried when she picked up the phone after a couple of rings.

“I’m sorry mom, I probably woke you,” Alec said when he realized that he had no clue what time it could be.

“No Alec, you can call me whenever you want. Are you okay, honey?” She said softly, but Alec could hear her tone was still worried.

“I hurt him, mom,” Alec whispered, rubbing his face with his free hand, “and I don’t know what to do.”

“Who?” Maryse asked immediately, but Alec didn’t answer, “ohh,” she said a couple of seconds later. “I’m sure it isn’t that bad, he knows how you treated your previous caretakers,” she added and her voice sounded calmer this time.

“I heard him cry, I hurt him so bad,” Alec said, feeling a tear unwittingly rolling down his face, hearing his mom taking a deep breath.

“Alec, honey, look—”

“Mom, I said something I shouldn’t have,” Alec cut her off and gasped when he paused, “and he didn’t let me apologize,” he choked on the last word, his heart was in his throat not letting him breathe properly.

“I’m coming over,” Maryse said and broke the line before Alec could protest—not that he could have a chance. He suddenly felt like he was going to be sick, his stomach whirled as he felt all the emotions overwhelming him suddenly. Everything he had been holding back for a day was crushing him and damn, things he had been holding back ever since the accident, just dawned on him at once. The grip around his phone grew tighter as he tried to steady his breathing and make the lump on his throat disappeared.

Alec needed air, he needed to move, he needed to go, he needed to work out the sudden pain filling his body. He got out of bed, shoving his phone into his pocket and heading downstairs. He opened the front door, the cold summer air hit him immediately. That was what he really needed. He fumbled the edge of the first stair with his feet, not caring about closing the door behind him. He stepped on the second stair and sat on down on the stone, taking a deep breath, inhaling the air through his nose and exhaling it sharply through his mouth before pulling his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs. He placed his chin on one of his knees and focused on the nightly city noise.

He didn’t know when the last time he left his house this far was—and it was ridiculous because he knew he was sitting five feet away from his front door. Exactly five feet, nothing more and nothing less. As he was waiting for his mother he heard a few cars and some people passing by, but that part of Brooklyn hadn’t had a very noisy nightlife, so it wouldn’t have been surprising if the street had been as silent as his house. And well, it was the middle of the night and people were supposed to be sleeping, not waiting for their mother, while sitting miserably on the front step of their houses.

He managed to calm down, at least a little, which only lasted until he heard the noise of an oncoming fast car, feeling his heart beating faster again. Somehow, he was certain that it should be his mother and it became clear he was right when he heard the car pulling down in front of his house. He heard the car door opening then closing and then fast-paced footsteps coming closer to him mixed with the car driving away.

“Alec,” he heard his mother’s voice but didn’t move. She was probably wearing something else than her usual high heels, from their sound against the steps. “Alec, what happened to your hand?” She asked and Alec felt her arm on his shoulder.

“It’s nothing compared to what I did,” he whispered, feeling that familiar knot in his throat again. He felt Maryse sitting down next to him and how she made him turn to her. Alec felt his mother pull him into a hug, and he mirrored the movement, wrapping his arms around her, burying his face in the crook between her neck and shoulder, feeling her hair on his face. Alec curled the corner of his mouth up slightly, when he realized that his mother was wearing her sleeping robe, and probably her pajamas underneath and now he realized that she was actually wearing her slippers.

Maryse caressed his back softly and they didn’t talk, feeling at ease in their silence. Alec just enjoyed the comfort his mom gave him, her warm hug,  as they sat on the cold steps in front of his house. None of them said a word, Alec had forgotten when someone had hugged him like that the last time. But he wasn’t surprised really. He had tried to push everybody away from him and had succeeded up to some extent.

“If someone said to me something like I told to him, I would die in pain, mom,” he whispered into her hair without pulling away.

“Alec, dear...” Maryse said in a low voice and Alec knew she was going to try to make things seem better but Alec knew it was unnecessary to sugarcoat the truth.

“You were all right, I’m a terrible person, I’ve become a terrible person,” he spilled it out eventually and pulled away from his mother.

“Don’t say that, Alec! I’ve never said that!” She grabbed his bandaged hand.

“It’s the truth, mom, I know that now,” he lowered his head, shaking it slightly.

“Come inside, I’ll make tea for us, and you’ll tell me everything you feel like sharing,” she said and Alec felt her hand on his face after she brushed his hair out of his forehead.

“Okay,” he agreed and stood up with a big sigh.

They went inside and Alec locked the door then followed his mother into the kitchen.

“I’m sorry, sweetie, that you had to wait so long,” she said when Alec sat on a stool.

“I didn’t wait that much,” Alec said, leaning forward on the island with his elbows, “I think.”

“Jace and your father took Hodge with them for that business trip and I have to make do with Raj,” she said and Alec heard she was already busy with the kettle, “I had to wait for him to dress up and bring the car.”

“You even came in your PJs?” Alec said tilting his head, he heard Maryse’s soft laughter and could imagine her nodding and pulling her hair behind her ear.

“I can come in my pajamas, Raj can’t,” she stated, “and these are Victoria’s Secret and I also brought my Prada bag which some outfits,” she added.

“I know, I’ve been reading Izzy’s articles too,” Alec placed his head on his healthy hand, leaving his other arm on the top of the island.

“It’s just been a busy week for me with your dad and your brother gone. All those charities, which I love but which also demand so much. I’d called it a night and was just in bed reading an old novel,” Alec heard her speak and move around, probably looking for tea from the sound of it. She was opening and closing drawers and he heard the sound of mugs being put on the counter and the smell of sugar and honey next to them. “So, what happened to your hand and why didn’t I hear about it before?” Maryse asked him on a higher voice, because of the whistle of the kettle as it announced the water was ready. He couldn’t help but notice her tone wasn’t upset, on the contrary, it was still soft and understanding.

Alec took a deep breath, straightening his body and letting the air find its way down to his lungs before exhaling and slumping his shoulders.

He started to talk and Maryse listened. They started the conversation at the kitchen island, sipping their tea and ended up in Alec’s bed. He told her everything, as she tucked him bed, every tiny little detail from the moment Lydia left, until the moment his mother arrived.

Alec wasn’t proud of himself, he wanted to run away but thankfully his mom was sitting next to him on the while he was speaking and held his hands, squeezing them sometimes to give him the courage to continue or take a break whenever Alec stopped.

“I’ve ruined everything, mom,” he said.

“No Alec, you didn’t ruin anything,” Maryse caressed his upper arm.

“Ya’ think?” Alec turned his lowered head to her way.

“Well, I have to say you’ve made every effort and have tried really hard to do it but you need to listen to me,” she said and Alec felt her hand on his shoulder, “you’re not _that_ good, Alec,” she added and Alec sensed that she was smiling.

“I just don’t know how to fix it,” Alec rubbed his face with his hands roughly, “I don’t think he’s gonna come back, anyway.”

“Well, he came today and he hasn’t contacted me about quitting, so I’d say that’s not an issue,” Maryse said and Alec took a deep breath and buried his head into his palms, “regardless, I thought that would’ve made you happy, he quitting, I mean.”

“I’m so fucked up,” Alec cursed avoiding her last remark.

“Language, Alec!” She raised her voice with a bit of mockery in it and Alec was grateful for that.

“Duh,” Alec groaned.

“You know, sometimes we don’t know what’s right until it’s wrong,” she started and Alec lifted his head to look at his mother, “you’re gonna find a way, I know,” Maryse caressed his arm then Alec felt the bed moving  next to him, “but now, both of us have to sleep.”

“Yeah,” Alec whispered, hearing his mother footsteps around the bed.

“Please try to sleep, okay?” She said when he was on the other side of the bed where Alec was. He felt his mother pressed a kiss on his forehead and stroked his cheek gently before heading out of the bedroom.

“Okay, and… and thank you,” he said shyly, “sleep well.”

He heard the door closing then his mother’s footsteps toward the guestroom.

Alec thought he was going to have trouble falling asleep but he actually didn’t because he drifted away as his head hit the pillow. He didn’t know what time it was then, he just fell asleep with Magnus in his mind.

Alec’s eyes popped open wide as he woke up; there was the expected darkness and it took him a little time to realize what had happened the night before. He couldn’t have slept that much but he didn’t feel like continuing sleeping either. He wanted to check the time but his hand touched the mug he left on the nightstand first, reminding him of his conversation with his mom who was probably still sleeping in the room next door. It must’ve been a long night for her too, they spent hours talking, and Alec had never felt so lost even though he knew he was at the right place with his mother by his side.

He sighed and got out of bed, grabbing clean boxers from the dresser. He tiptoed toward the bathroom, realizing that he hadn’t checked the time and had no clue about that, still, he didn’t want to wake his mother up if it was still early.

Tossing his clothes from yesterday into the laundry basket, he stepped into the tub and let the water fall on him, carefully paying attention not to soak the bandage on his hand.

He was nervous—he still had no idea how to apologize to Magnus—and he had no idea what to expect from him either or how to prepare himself for rejection—now, he kind of felt in his family’s shoes—, and what if Magnus forgave him? Was he really going to mean it? Because hell, Alec meant to apologize. He was standing under the shower and felt like… He couldn’t describe it well, he felt like his soul was in pain, like there was something invisible around his chest which didn’t let him breathe. This pain was something else he had experienced before, it was different, yet mighty alike.

He dried his body with a towel and tried to dry his hair with it as much as he could and put his boxers on, heading back to his room, with another towel wrapped around his waist. He heard his mother’s voice, she was probably on the phone and was glad. She didn’t need to see him walking around in his underwear, so better be safe than sorry. He hoped that he hadn’t the one who woke her up, anyway.

Alec went to the nightstand and checked the time, pushing the button on the top of the digital clock.

**< 7.26 a.m.>**

**< Thursday, June 30, 2016.>**

He put on his iWatch around his wrist and walked to his closet, opening the door widely. He trailed his hand over the folded clothes on the shelves. He took out a pair of jeans, walking to the drawers, trying to put on the jeans on his way. He stood at in front of a drawer making sure the jeans’ zipper was up and the button in place. He lifted and bent his legs to stretch the denim, wondering if he had set the washing machine on high-heat when he did the laundry last time or if he should skip some leg day in his workout sessions, because the jeans’ legs were quite tight on his thighs—not in an uncomfortable way, but it was supposed to be looser, he thought. He wasn’t sure he’d gained weight.

He opened the drawer and this time he picked out a t-shirt from the bottom. He put it on, or rather tried, his head got stuck at the neck.

“Damn,” he said under his nose, lifting it his above his head. That was probably one of the t-shirts Izzy had brought to him, the kind that had three tiny little buttons over the chest.

He undid said buttons with hard work and finally pulled his head through the neck, not bothering to button them back, he was so not going to fight with them again when he took the t-shirt off later.

He went to the nightstand and grabbed his iPhone and the mug, shoving his phone into his pocket and heading out of the room. He heard his mother still on the phone so he decided to go down to the kitchen and make coffee for them.

***

 

Last night was one of those nights… One in which he got home and just hated that all the lights were out. He hated that he got used to the fact that no one was around. He hated when he was alone with himself and there was no one else to blame. He felt like his heart was the only to break, and still couldn’t feel the rhythm of it.  

After having a martini, he had already known drinking wasn’t going to work the same as other nights. Somehow, he felt like his spirit was about to fade away in the dark. He needed to do something because he felt like his emotions were going to eat him up.

He wasn’t angry anymore, he wasn’t furious, he wasn’t the kind of person who could keep being mad at someone for long. And he hated that he didn’t know how to handle the situation with Alec at all.

The day of the debacle, as he’d decided to call it, things had been fine. Heck, he’d even gotten to know a little about Greta that day. He hadn’t known her name before that, he had to admit, which meant not everything had been bad. He’d told her about going to the garage sale with Catarina, although he didn’t exactly mention her name but it had been good, being able to talk to someone about other stuff rather than about work. His work, for one, was dragging him to a place where he didn’t want to be at that moment.

He’d been worried when he walked into the house and saw all that blood. Granted, it wasn’t like Alec had lost more than just a tiny bit, but still, in his condition, he believed any injury could be major. He’d cleaned and had tried to do what little he could to help.

He just hadn’t been in the mood to hear Alec apologize, even if that had been the right thing for Alec to do. It just was, a little too late and a little too much and he still didn’t know how to handle things. So, he’d decided to let it pass and not see too much into it. It would bring a bit of peace of mind and would let him analyze things better once his head cooled off.

Silver linings, finding the good in the bad had always made him productive on the canvas, on paper, or at a table with clay. He fixed himself a new martini and went to his work table, allowing himself a free way of being creative.

And now he was carrying two huge suitcases in his hands and on his way to the brownstone, thinking about how great this job would be if it dealing with Alec and the job itself had been different. It would have been suitable for him in many ways. The brownstone was only at a twenty-minute-walk from his own loft, no shortcuts. The house itself was enchanting, the surroundings, the smell, the atmosphere, all were impressive. He didn’t even dare think about how things would have been like if Alec had been a nicer person.

Not that he thought he wasn’t a good person, very deep inside, it was just that it was hard to reconcile the kind of person Catarina always tried to make out of what had happened to Alec and how things had affected him and the kind of person he’d faced on a daily basis for almost a month right now.

He stopped at the bottom of the front steps, looking at the house and puffed, this was going to be another suffocating day with the grumpy man. He was thinking maybe Alec was going to lock himself up in one of the rooms of the house again. He still didn’t know what would be better, seeing him or not seeing him at all.

He walked up the steps and took the suitcases with him one by one, leaving them by the door as he unlocked it. He opened it a little and was about to grab the handle of the suitcases when he heard a car pulling down with a loud noise of tire’s grinding in front of the house. He looked over his shoulder and recognized the familiar car—it was the one Maryse came on the other day.

He decided to wait for the woman, as she might have seen him already through the dark windows, and she might think he going inside would be rude.

Magnus’ eyes widened when he saw the maid, Greta, getting off the passenger seat and a driver—whom he had never seen before—from the other side of the car. They quickly went to the trunk of the car and grabbed some things and were heading toward Magnus.

“Good morning, Mr. Bane,” the maid greeted him with a kind smile. Magnus opened the door wider for her as he saw her carrying two baskets with groceries in her hands.

“Morning,” he murmured as the maid passed him by, but he was sure she didn’t hear him because she was already in the house.

“Good morning, Mr. Bane. Need any help?” Magnus heard from behind as he turned toward the voice, he noticed the driver had already arrived next to him. He was carrying a garment bag and Magnus had no time to answer for the man had grabbed the handle on one of the suitcases and was in the house too, leaving Magnus at the front door.

Magnus stood there, motionless—he only blinked in confusion.

“What’s happening?” he asked himself under his nose before taking the other suitcase and pushing it into the house.

“Finally, what took you so long?” He heard Maryse’s voice from somewhere as he closed the front door behind him—it looked like the woman was already there—Magnus walked from the foyer to the hallway, noticing Maryse coming down the stairs, and Magnus had to look away immediately—well, he didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable—because his boss was wearing a light coral pearl robe and pajamas under it.

“Oh, good morning, Magnus,” she said, her whole demeanor changed as she saw Magnus, “I’m sorry for my improper outfit, but I was in a rush last night when I came over,” she crossed her arms over her chest, “and I haven’t had a chance to change just yet,” she looked at the driver who was standing by the parlor’s entrance, giving him a murderous look.

“Good morning! Did something happen? Is Alec okay?” Magnus asked immediately because the only thing he heard was that she’d come over last night in a rush.

Magnus didn’t get an answer, Maryse only smiled softly—he might have seen a slight nod, but he wasn’t sure—and headed to the kitchen.

Magnus watched her leave, following her with his eyes, without turning his head. He took a deep breath and walked into the parlor, leaving the suitcase next to the other one between the two armchairs. The driver was still standing at the same spot when Magnus glanced at him, he seemed nervous, Magnus could only guess from his posture and the way he was wringing his hands.

“Raj, did you bring in my MacBook?” Maryse asked and Magnus turned to the kitchen.

“Right, hum, actually I—” The man started.

“Forgot it,” Maryse said and placed her hands on her hips, looking up at the ceiling, “you better make it back with my laptop by the time we finish breakfast,” she said and dismissed him with a wave of her hand. Magnus looked back at the driver, so his name was Raj, who nodded and was already out of the parlor. Magnus was startled by the sound of the slammed door.

When Magnus turned back to Maryse, she wasn’t standing at the same place as before, and now Magnus could see Alec clearly sitting at the kitchen stool. He looked away immediately, noticing Greta was already busy in the kitchen—probably making breakfast for them. Maryse was busy with plates and napkins and Magnus’ eyes wandered back to Alec.

The man was sitting motionless, leaning on his elbows, his shoulder slumped and his and head low, as he twirled a mug on the island in front of him. Magnus was sure Alec had heard the whole conversation around him but somehow seemed like he wasn’t there mentally. He didn’t know what could have happened last night. He didn’t seem injured except for the bandage on his hand.

“Magnus, join us for breakfast, please,” Maryse said out of the blue. Magnus’ eyes lingered on Alec for a couple of seconds—he really did seem like he didn’t hear anything around him—before turning his head to Maryse.

“I don’t want to bother, I’ve got my pastries and my coffee,” Magnus said and was about to take the pastries out of his backpack when Maryse made a face, raising her eyebrows at him and Magnus knew there was no chance to win, “okay,” he agreed.

He placed his bag on one of the armchairs and walked to the end of the dining table, placing his hands on the top of the backrest of the chair. He felt a little nervous and didn’t know how to act. Should he offer them his help? It seemed Maryse and Greta were fine. She had put the plates, glasses, cutlery, and napkins on the other end of the dining table before walking to Alec, caressing his back, leaning forward and whispering in his ear. The man nodded and stood up, leaving the stool back in its place and taking his mug from the island before walking toward the dining room.

Magnus saw some hesitation in his movements and he really had no idea what had happened the night before. Alec’s outfit made him even more confused. He was wearing a dark green t-shirt, the buttons were undone over the chest, showing a little hair at the lowest button. Magnus swallowed and his eyes wandered down unwittingly because he had never seen Alec wearing jeans before. The light blue jeans were a bit tight around his thighs, making his legs seem even longer and he was barefoot.

Alec reached his hand out to touch the backrest of the chair on the left to the main seat, he pulled it out he sat down, leaving his mug on the table without letting go of its handle. Maryse was also there the next moment setting a plate of fruits, a bottle of orange juice and another one of milk on the table. Magnus saw that Alec’s eyes were following every movement of his mother’s hand.

When she was done, she sat at the end of the table and gestured with her hand for him to sit to her right, across the table from Alec.

Magnus showed a smiled at her and walked to sit down. He pulled out the chair, looking at the table. It was weird to see food on that table, they always ate at the kitchen island, and Magnus used the dining table to draw, make sketches, read and now it somehow felt odd to see it used by its function.

“Good morning,” Alec said in a low voice—he somehow sounded hesitant—as Magnus sat at the table, looking at him. His posture was the same, he was a tall man but he seemed so little as he sat there with his lowered head and slumped shoulders. And Magnus didn’t know why but it bothered him that Alec didn’t lift his head, didn’t try to search for Magnus’ direction.

“Good morning,” Magnus greeted him kindly, then watched him let go of his mug and lifting his other hand from under the table, searching for his cutlery on the sides of the plate in front of him.

Maryse gave him a soft smile when he turned to her. Well, it wasn’t awkward—not at all. The maid walked to the table and served them French toasts then left them. She was heading out of the kitchen and Magnus followed her, listening to her steps as she climbed the stairs.

The silence could be felt thick around them, only the sound of the cutleries against the plates echoed in the room. Maryse cleared her throat, breaking the silence eventually.

“So, Magnus what did you bring in those huge suitcases?” She asked before cutting another bite and taking it in her mouth, looking at Magnus while chewing.

Magnus swallowed, “hum,” and wiped his mouth in the napkin, “those are blocks,” he said.

“Blocks?” Maryse asked surprised and Magnus noticed a light movement from Alec, but he didn’t look up.

“Extra large Jenga blocks, actually, I bought them on a garage sale last weekend,” he corrected himself, “but these aren’t your usual ones, I glued velcro on every side of them, so they stay steady in their places,” Magnus’ eyes were pacing back and forth between Maryse and Alec, “so they can be used to build stuff.”

“You glued velcro on every side of every Jenga block in those huge suitcases?” Maryse’s eyes were wide and she pointed to the suitcases with her fork.

“Yeah, I was…,” he paused for a second figuring out what to say, “I was bored,” he said eventually, raising his shoulders in a dismissive way, as if it hadn’t taken him all night, “I’ve tried it, and it works, I even managed to make a tree.”

“A tree?” Maryse asked, laughing lightly. Her voice made Magnus smile. “How?” She asked, and Magnus sensed the curiosity in her tone as her expression showed the same. It was interesting to see someone with the hunger to learn something new, much like a child when they’re learning about the world.

“Yeah, hum...” Magnus leaned back to get his phone out of his pocket, “since they stayed in their place, it was easy,” he said while he opened his photo gallery and started to show her the photos he took the night before, or rather in the wee hours of that morning.

“That’s a huge tree,” Maryse said when she looked at the screen, leaning forward to check the photo closer.

“Those are huge suitcases,” Magnus stated, pointing at them with his index.

“Is that your home in the background?” she asked when she leaned back and took another some more food.

“Yes,” Magnus answered, looking at the photo, seeing his living room behind the tree structure.

“It looks pretty,” she said, and Magnus didn’t know if she was being polite or if she really liked his living room.

“Thank you,” Magnus locked the screen and placed his phone on the table, taking his cutlery in his hands again, “it really needs some renovations soon, the plumbing is quite old, and the fuse box goes off very often,” Magnus complained as he kept eating, “and my friends always tell me to sell it, but I love that loft and…” He said when he swallowed, looking at Maryse who seemed waiting for him to continue, “and it came to me thanks to an inheritance from my mom, and so... I just can’t,” he added and sighed, seeing Alec’s moving from the corner of his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Maryse said.

“It’s the only thing I have left of her, so I just deal with the occasional catastrophe in the loft,” Magnus said, laughing, remembering for the last time when his kitchen was a swimming pool because of a leak, “and reparations,” he added.

“I’m sure your mother would be proud of you,” she added with a soft and understanding smile on her face.

“I’m sure she is,” Magnus stated confidently, “she always wanted me to fight for my dreams, which is what I’ve been doing all my life, even now,” Magnus returned the smile.

“It always makes a mother happy and proud…” Maryse’s voice broke and she swallowed before continuing, “to see their children grow up,” she added and Alec lifted his head, turning to her, “and live a happy life,” she said and Magnus saw the sadness in her eyes. Alec placed his fork down as he searched for her hand on the table.

“Mom...” Alec whispered and Maryse pushed her hand toward her son. Magnus felt sorry for her, he couldn’t imagine how it would feel seeing her son like this, isolated from the world, living on his own, trying to push everybody away from him. Magnus was sure she had certainly never imagined this type of life for Alec. But we can’t fight against our destiny, fate would always reach us eventually, the only thing we could do was make the best out of it and it was clear that Maryse tried everything to make her son’s life better, even against his will.

Maryse cleared her throat, bringing Magnus back to reality.

“I don’t think those blocks will fit in the shelves here,” she pointed at the bookshelves behind Alec before turning back to Magnus, “I think we can find a place in Alec’s office.”

“Office?” Magnus asked and he could have sounded surprised.

“Downstairs,” she answered.

“The door in front of the staircase,” this was the first time Alec spoke to him after their good-mornings, his voice was hoarse.

“Yeah, okay,” Magnus answered just to say something.

Greta was back by the time they finished their breakfast and got busy in the kitchen, cleaning the dishes after them. Magnus stayed at the table when Alec and Maryse stood up. He praised the delicious breakfast before the woman went to get dressed, and Alec went back to sit at the island with his mug.

Alec thanked the maid when she refilled his mug with coffee, only leaving it in front of him. Alec took the mug and sipped the coffee, licking his lips, then rubbing his eyes with his thumb and index.

“I’ve changed the bedclothes and sheets in your bedroom and in the guest room, and placed fresh towels in the bathrooms,” the maid said while she was drying the plates with a kitchen cloth.

“I could have done that myself, Greta, but thank you,” Alec said, his voice sounded strange.

“It’s always a pleasure to tidy your house, Mr. Lightwood,” she smiled at Alec when she finished her sentence which Magnus found weird as Alec couldn’t see her. Magnus was wondering, again, whether the gesture was out of politeness or if she had known Alec before the accident—which could be a fact—and knew the real him.

“I guess my parents’ penthouse has become boring,” Alec said and to Magnus’ surprise, he didn’t sound sarcastic.

“Oh, no, not at all, but change is good sometimes,” she said and laughed, placing the dried dishes in the cupboard.

Alec smiled—a faint one but still—then Magnus felt a little uncomfortable that he was listening to their conversation and stood up from the table, glancing at Alec automatically, seeing him turn his head slightly toward him—Magnus knew this movement, the one when Alec was trying to filter whatever was happening around him by their sounds—Magnus smiled at Greta when she caught him staring at Alec and then he decided to take the blocks downstairs, to Alec’s office.

After grabbing the suitcases he headed down to the ground floor. He placed one by the door and opened it.

The sun was shining through the windows but they didn’t make the room as bright as the parlor above. Magnus stepped in, looking around the wide room.

There was a huge table by the windows to the street and there were two iMac computers on it. There was a huge professional drawing table, the kind architects work on—Magnus had never seen a real one before—and there were bookshelves on the sides of the windows. He took the suitcases in, one by one and left them in the middle of the room and went to the check the walls as he noticed large photo frames hanging on them.

He walked along the wall next to the door, trailing his finger on the edge of the frame of the blueprint of a three-floor house; the next blueprint was larger and the scale relation was smaller than the previous one and Magnus realized that it was a skyscraper. He tilted his head as he read every detail on it, moving to the next frame and he had to swallow the lump in his throat as he saw what it was. Alec’s diploma was hanging there in a dark brown photo frame.

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood,” Magnus whispered, “Master of Architecture.”

He didn’t know that Alec had studied at Brown University—and how the hell would he have known? They had barely ever talked—, well, with his family money, Alec and his siblings could have studied wherever they wanted.

He turned to the other wall where there was a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf, with a lot of books at the top and there were 3D models of buildings—houses, skyscrapers in every size.

Magnus’ eyes stopped at a photo on one of the shelves. It could have been a construction site, according to the iron frames and structures in the background, Alec was standing there with two other people, an older one gray-haired man and a young black woman with curly hair. The three of them were wearing yellow safety helmets and were smiling widely. Alec was so tall next to them.

Magnus’ eyes stayed on Alec’s face. He seemed so happy, and not only his mouth was smiling, showing his set of teeth, but his eyes. Those hazels were smiling and shining out of sheer happiness. His face was shaved, Magnus could see his jawline clearly.

He sighed and turned to the other wall, the one opposite to the door, watching the blueprints on it, checking every little detail on them. He knew that Alec was an architect, he had already noticed his taste and sense of skills based on the house he lived in but seeing his career hanging on the walls and standing on the shelves was overwhelming. He bit on his lower lip and swallowed again, somehow it was harder to breathe. He couldn’t and didn’t even dare imagine how awful it could have been losing everything  Alec had achieved in his life before the accident.

Alec was a creative mind just as Magnus’; they both loved to create things, both of them were artists in their own right, albeit in different ways. However, Magnus dared say that both of them were leaving something behind that would never die, leaving their marks on what they had created and it was clear that Alec had loved what he used to do. Magnus tilted his head as he trailed his fingers on the edge of the models on the shelf. Somehow, he could imagine Alec sitting at the wide table, making drafts of the designs he had seen in his mind just to bring them life and somehow Magnus felt like he would like to get to know that man, the man Alec used to be before because Magnus loved art, and as he discovered the architect’s works he realized that everything was a piece of art created by a brilliant mind.

He walked back to the shelf where the photo was, looking at it again, and he wondered how Alec ended up becoming such a grumpy ass… his mind wandered to other thoughts… would his personality change similar to Alec’s if Magnus lost his eyesight? He took a deep breath and he couldn’t really answer that question. He would probably be devastated but he would find a way to continue his work, somehow. He knew things would be hard to handle and a heaviness took shape around him, almost suffocating at the thought of it.

Light knocks on the door brought Magnus back to the reality, he noticed Maryse at the door with a soft smile on her face, as he turned around.

“Are these…?” Magnus pointed at the blueprints on the wall.

“Yes,” Maryse nodded, walking into the room, “Alec’s, all of them,” she said as she made her way toward Magnus, looking at the frames hanging on the wall, “he was obsessed with architecture,” she said and pushed her hair behind her ears as she took a look at the models on the shelves.

“All of them are amazing,” Magnus whispered.

“When he was a little boy, he used to say he was going to build the highest skyscraper so that everybody could see the Giza pyramid complex, the Great Wall of China, the Flavian Amphitheatre and the Pantheon, the Lotus Temple, the Dome of the Rock, the Petronas Towers, the Taj Mahal, the Sydney Opera House from its top, a seven-year-old’s words,” she shook her head and let out a tiny laugh before she continued, “he never had a chance to visit any of them, though. He was first studying, then it was the internships,” she added and took a book from a shelf and smoothed her hand on its cover then put it back carefully, “we wanted to take him to Rome last summer but he asked us what the point was to travel there if he couldn’t see the Colosseum and the Pantheon,” she said and turned to Magnus. Her eyes told him everything there was to say about her feelings, her sadness, her loss, the pain that was engraved so deep in her, “and what could I have said? It was his dream to visit and admire those buildings,” she lifted her hand to wipe a tear which had suddenly rolled down her face, then she took a deep sigh.

“He wasn’t like this before…” Magnus stated, mostly to himself, he didn’t need Maryse to agree, it was clear that she wasn’t sad about Alec losing his eyesight—well, at least not all because of that as it was clear he was quite at looking after himself—, she was sad because she had lost Alec.

“He needs to see the world the way he used to see it,” Maryse claimed, looking around the room, “and I don’t mean—”

“I know what you mean,” Magnus cut her off and the woman took a deep sigh when he looked back at Magnus.

“Magnus, so many things have happened to him since the accident, and I have a feeling that I can trust you and share them with you and I wish I could but I just can’t,” Maryse said without taking a break and Magnus could see some anger in her expression, the way she narrowed her eyes told him about her resilience.

“It’s okay,” he said and the woman closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead with her index and thumb, placing her other hand on her hip, “I’m trying to understand things on my own.”

“It’s just… it’s just so difficult,” she began, hesitantly, “he has every right to be angry at the world and live like this,” she opened her eyes and gestured behind her to the door, “and I understand... I should understand him, I should accept what he wants—”

“But you don’t want to give up on him,” Magnus cut her off again, he thought he might have been rude by interrupting her a second time, but he wanted Maryse to feel that he knew what she meant.

“I would never,” she said right after, the purpose in her voice told Magnus she meant what she was saying and he nodded slightly.

Maryse looked around the place, her hands on her hip as she shook her head lightly, and Magnus had no idea what was on her mind. He had no idea what could have happened last night that the woman had to come over and stay the night. Maryse bit the corner of her lower lip as her eyes were wandered around the room and Magnus looked at where she was staring but he had no time to follow her because the woman moved and his eyes were back at her.

“I don’t want Alec to give up. At all,” Maryse said as she looked at Magnus. He saw her hesitate, perhaps there really was more she would share with him, but she simply smiled at him. “I love my son, Magnus. Right now, I’d be content if only I knew he is truly happy, you know?” She patted his arm and turned on her heels, heading toward the door.

Magnus watched her leave, but she stopped by the door, grabbing the doorframe and turning around one more time, looking at Magnus in the eye.

“Thank you,” Maryse said in a low voice, showing a faint smile and then she was gone.

Magnus stood still for a couple of seconds before his eyes went on the suitcase he’d brought. He looked around the room quickly, trying to find a good place for them in it. He went for them and brought them to the other side of the room, leaving them on the floor by the glass window that led to the street. He opened the curtains just a little and saw people rushing everywhere.

He went back to the suitcase and was leaning toward them when he noticed something out of the corner of his eyes. He straightened his body and turned his head, looking out.

Maryse and Alec were standing on the sidewalk next to Maryse’s car. The driver was waiting, holding the door open for her.

He knew that he shouldn’t be watching them but when Maryse pulled Alec into a hug and Alec lowered himself and wrapped his arms around her body, he just couldn’t look away. He didn’t know what had happened or what was going on in the Lightwood family but he was sure all the members had pure love for one another. The way Alec leaned into his mother’s embrace and closed his eyes was something Magnus had never seen before.

And Magnus felt as a tear rolled down on his face. Because of Maryse, because of her loss, because she had tried and was still trying, because she was this powerful woman with weakness she didn’t show. She was definitely the core of the Lightwoods.

He saw as she caressed Alec’s cheek when they separated and noticed Alec as he nodded and stepped a little back before walking back to the house after Maryse’s left.

***

 

Alec ran his fingers through his hair as he heard his mother’s car drive away. He heard some people walking by him and he turned on his heels when he was sure he wasn’t going to bump into anybody on his way to the steps.

He was walking confidently, knowing how many steps he needed to take until the first one—he remembered, even though he didn’t really know when he had last been on the sidewalk. It was truly a long time since he stepped outside the house. That door had always been like an invisible energy field he never dared cross.

He walked the steps in pairs, and he knew when he reached the front door. He was about to grab the knob but his hand stopped halfway. He swallowed dry, inhaling the morning air through his nose, trying to collect himself because he was going to be alone with Magnus.

He was nervous. Having his mother, Greta, and Raj—even though the employees didn’t count as company, but still—around made things easier. The whole conversation at breakfast was overwhelming, he didn’t even know how the hell he could eat his food with the grip around his stomach the entire time. His heart had run a marathon when Magnus mentioned his mother, and the loft he couldn’t sell because he loved it so much. Alec was wondering how his mother and Magnus didn’t hear his drumming heart against his chest.

And now, he had to face Magnus, he really needed to apologize to him. He was one hundred percent sure about that because he wasn’t going to live another day knowing how bad he had hurt Magnus. He just didn’t know how to do it without hurting him again, he didn’t want to rip his wounds open and make it worse.

He cleared his throat and grabbed the knob quickly, entering the house. He closed the door behind him, walking toward the kitchen but he stopped at the hallway, focusing on the smallest sounds he could pick just to check that Magnus was around but as much as he tried, he couldn’t hear anything.

He went to the kitchen and refilled the mug he’d left there before walking his mother out. He sat on the same stool as he’d been using before and sipped from his coffee, keeping the liquid in his mouth, letting the bitter flavor take over his taste buds. He was waiting, listening for any noise just to see if he could filter some that would tell him about Magnus.

Alec’s heart was pounding faster and faster with every second he spent waiting and he felt a knot tightening in his stomach. He was nervous, damn, his hands were sweating—he thought that it was maybe because of his hold around the mug but then he realized that his other hand was getting wet too. He leaned forward on his elbows, resting his chin on his hand.

Then, he suddenly heard footsteps, and his heart skipped a beat or two. He didn’t turn his head, trying to focus on the sounds. He was praying inside—yes, he was—that Magnus came into the kitchen to drink, eat or ask him if he would like to do something.

Alec sipped his coffee again and clenched his eyes together when he heard Magnus pulling out a chair nearby and was already busy with his books, Alec guessed from the sound of paper.

But why the hell would he ask Alec anything? He had rejected him so many times, more than enough to get tired of it and he probably didn’t want to be ignored again. The worst thing of all was that Alec had hurt him which only made everything more difficult.

His heart was still racing as he stood from his place, leaving his mug on the top of it. He walked to the dining table, and stopped across from where Magnus usually used to sit—ironic that it was the same position when he’d hurt him—. He cleared his throat.

“Magnus?” He said.

“Hum?” The other murmured, and Alec could sense that he was probably reading—it was the same type of humming like the other day when he did his nails, the man must have been focused on his task—and he was sure Magnus didn’t even lift his head to look at him. He probably continued reading his book and didn’t really pay any attention to Alec.

He rubbed the back of his head before grabbing the top of the backrest of the chair in front of him, he needed to hold onto something as he felt like a nervous wreck.

“Magnus, listen, you might be busy with your studies and I don’t want to bother you. Distracting you is really not my intention, but…” Alec said hesitantly and swallowed another lump down, “but if you have time and… well I… I noticed the weather is nice so if you…” he paused again, rubbing his forehead with his thumb and index, lowering his head, “so maybe not right now, I’m… I’m fine with later,” he stuttered, feeling like a total idiot. He took a deep breath through his nose and straightened his body, looking at the spot where Magnus was supposed to be sitting, “what I want to ask is would you take me out for a walk?” He spilled out eventually and without stopping. He didn’t want to risk losing his resolve.

Somehow he felt relieved as soon as he finished his sentence. He blinked a couple of times, waiting for Magnus’ answer. A simple no in particular, and he was ready to leave him alone and hide in his bedroom for the rest of the day. However, that didn’t happen and the silence grew longer around him as the seconds passed. The only thing that he heard was his own heartbeats in his ears.

His eyes started to look everywhere around the room without turning his head, trying to focus on the sounds but he couldn’t hear anything but his own drumming heart. Seconds passed and he was nervous again and yet he still didn’t get an answer. Things popped up in his mind—like Magnus sneaking out while he tried to put himself together to talk or he was still angry at him that he didn’t even want to speak to him—he should have heard him leaving, he thought.

“Magnus?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	4. The Darkest Hour Before Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a difficult situation between them, Alec and Magnus have decided to take new steps toward an understanding between them; one that would let them be around each other in peace. However, new misunderstandings ensue and their fragile arrangement is on the brink of falling apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> [Starley - Call On Me](https://youtu.be/726NLyedHB0)

 

_When you're weary_

_And the road is dark_

_And I'll guide you_

_With the beating of my heart_

_And if the cavalry_

_And the help don't come_

_Well, then we'll find a way_

_To dodge a smoking gun_

_[Call on Me - Starley]_

* * *

 

After his conversation with Maryse, Magnus had stood in the room which used to be Alec's office—and which held proof of his achievements and career—, looking around as images popped into his mind unwittingly. He could picture Alec, brow furrowed in concentration as he worked through blueprints and madescaled models of what his mind had envisioned.

Magnus had needed every bit of willpower to make his legs function, go away and be back to reality, which truth be told, wasn't as pleasant as the images he had created in his head. It simply made going back to the upper floor more difficult. It was as if he had these huge rocks tied to his legs as he climbed the stairs and he could barely move because of how heavy they were.

He'd found Alec sitting at the kitchen island, on the same place where he'd been while Magnus had had his chat with Greta. If he hadn't seen Alec with Maryse on the sidewalk before, he would have said that he hadn't moved from his seat. He didn't know what to do; Alec seemed distracted and his body tense and Magnus didn't dare risk it and provoke him as if he were holding a red flag in front of a bull by just asking him anything. Knowing Alec's unpredictable behavior, anything could happen, so he had simply done what he usually did, he read.

And now, he blinked a couple of times before lifting his head and realize what was actually happening. Alec was standing in front of him and Magnus simply stared at him motionless. Alec looked nervous and uncomfortable. His eyes wandered around the room, his gaze lost in a point he wouldn't be able to see on the floor as he tilted and then lowered his head and Magnus saw how he shook it lightly before running his fingers through his hair. Magnus noticed that Alec was about to turn around and leave when he finally reacted.

“Yes,” he said with that breath he didn't know he was holding back and he saw Alec freeze.

Magnus didn't know what Alec was thinking but, he was his caretaker, and if Alec wanted to go for a walk, then he was going to take him willingly. After all, he wasn't there for studying or drawing. He just got busy doing that because he had nothing else to do and had decided that using that time was the best thing to do.

Why was he so shocked then?

Well, perhaps it was because this whole situation had been confusing on many levels since he arrived at the brownstone and if he was honest with himself, he hadn't found a sliver of light in anything related to Alec in the last couple of days. Being around Alec was all dark lately. And then, this sudden request? Was Alec playing a game with him? And if he was, why?

Just a second, Magnus thought. He needed to figure this out. He stared at Alec, wondering. The man seemed nervous but not overly, just like in a I'm-hiding-something kind of way. Magnus' eyebrow raised. What if Alec was genuinely trying to reach out and that was why he was asking him to take him for a walk? But, then again, why now of all times?

Magnus managed to close his book without taking his eyes off Alec. He saw him fidgeting and he didn't know what to do about it. He put his book on the table slowly. He did not really dare break the silence that was growing heavier between them. He moved in his seat, resting his feet on the floor and not on his tiptoes anymore.

“If that's what you really want to do, then I'll gladly take you for a walk,” he said eventually, looking at Alec whose expression was strange for a moment before curling the corner of his mouth lightly to a half smile. Magnus didn't want to believe that that was happening right in front of him. Was he a receiver of a rare Alec Lightwood's smile? Did he just make him smile? Like for real?

“Yes,” Alec nodded continuously, and Magnus smiled softly. He might as well have answered him, dissipating his doubts. He might have also seen some relief on Alec as his body seemed a bit relaxed.

“Okay,” Magnus said as he stood up from the table.

“Now?” Alec asked immediately, he probably heard the noise from Magnus' actions.

“Of course,” Magnus answered

“If you have to study—” Alec started but couldn't finish.

“I don't,” Magnus cut him off and walked in front of him, going around the table. He noticed Alec following him with his eyes.

Magnus looked at Alec from head to toe, crossing his arms over his chest and then he lifted his hand to his mouth, biting on his thumbnail.

“I think you need your shoes,” he said, looking on Alec's bare feet.

Alec moved his toes before leaning on one leg and rubbing the sole of one of his feet against his other. Magnus lifted his head to look at him and Alec followed suit.

“Yeah, I guess you're right,” he said nervously but didn't move, he just lifted his head and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Go get your shoes, then; I'll be right here,” Magnus said.

“Okay, okay,” Alec said and Magnus stood aside, so Alec could walk away.

Alec went upstairs in a hurry and Magnus heard him slam the door to his room.

Magnus walked to the entrance hallway and stood at the end of the staircase, leaning on his elbow and on the railing, rubbing his forehead with his fingers.

Why couldn't this have happened before? Why now? He had handled Alec's behavior before that afternoon he wanted to forget, he had dealt with his awful comments and his bitterness. If that had been the case, he would have put up with all of that and would have played any board game or whatever Alec had wanted to. He would have gone for a walk with him and would have listened to his unending complaining about everything. Whatever Alec hda wanted, he would have done it. However, he felt like things had changed, at least on his side. Alec had hurt him, it was personal, and he knew that he shouldn't make it so but, in all honesty, Alec's demeanor—well, it wasn't really helping.

He seemed different, and Magnus didn't know what happened the previous night. Maryse had clearly refused to answer and Magnus could only guess but he found he'd rather not because his mind was already spinning and he had no idea how to make sense of things.

Footsteps brought him back to reality, and he straightened his body, looking up the stairs. First, he saw two white Converse coming down and then he looked at Alec as he made his way down. His eyes wandered on the man's outfit, it was the same as before but Magnus couldn't help but notice that Alec looked handsome in those jeans and that green t-shirt. His hair was messy as always, standing in every direction and the sneakers just gave him a more relaxed air.

“Do… do you have a walking stick?” Magnus asked as Alec reached the very last stair and rolled his eyes because what a stupid question it was. Of course, Alec had to have one.

“I… I do... but,” Alec said and his eyes kept going back and forth in the room.

“I can bring it for you, where can I find it?” Magnus asked immediately.

Alec rubbed his face with his palms and Magnus raised his eyebrows.

“Would you mind guiding me? I mean it's okay if you don't want to but—”

“Like yesterday?” Magnus cut him off.

“Yeah,” Alec only whispered.

“That's fine,” Magnus said and even gestured with his hand lightly.

However, the truth was that Magnus started panicking and that was an understatement. He stepped back. What the hell was he going to do? He'd never gone for a walk with someone who couldn't see—and drunk Raphael didn't count, because he just closed his eyes and it was in the middle of the night and no one saw when he had fallen head-on on the concrete; it had been funny though—and guiding a blind man was entirely different. Damn! He had watched those videos alright. It seemed easy, but still. The one time he'd guided him, they'd were in the brownstone and it had been easy enough but that was precisely his point: it still happened inside a house, one where everything was safe and Alec knew his way around even better than Magnus knew his own. Going _out_ of the house was at a totally different level. He didn't want Alec to get more injuries that he already owned.

Alec was standing at the bottom of the staircase, tilting his head and looking around with his eyes.

“Okay,” Magnus said, more to himself than to Alec and he turned, deciding he didn't want to think too much into things.

He went to the foyer and grabbed the keys he'd left on the table by the door in the morning, after he'd gotten all confused by Greta's and the driver's arrival. He quickly pressed his security code—he knew it by heart already—and as he looked toward the staircase, he noticed Alec coming toward him and was by his side the next moment, passing toward the door and opening it for Magnus, making him freeze for a second.

He swallowed dry because honestly? This was all so new. Damn! Magnus slipped out of the house and waited for Alec to close the door behind him. Magnus stood by the door and locked it and then lifted his head to look at the other man who was standing close; Magnus noticed Alec's eyes seemingly following his hand as he shoved the key into his pocket. He could've sworn Alec's eyes had gone up to his face but he knew he wasn't really looking into Magnus' eyes. They just lingered somewhere on his face, as if he could see Magnus' breathtaking.

“If you don't want to—” Alec closed his eyes as he started to talk but Magnus stopped him.

“I do. I want to,” Magnus announced and turned to Alec with his whole body. He took Alec's healthy hand in both of his and saw that the man got surprised by that and his Adam's apple bobbed, looking down at their hands. Magnus' eyes remained on Alec's face, looking at him in silence—he was always marveled by how ridiculously tall Alec was—then Alec's eyes were on him again after blinking and Magnus realized that he had been in silence for a while when Alec cleared his throat.

“I'm gonna be honest with you, Alec,” he started, “I'm pretty nervous right now because I've never done this before, yesterday was my first time and…” Magnus felt Alec moving his thumb over his hand, making him look down, “I want to do this and I just want you to let me know if I'm doing anything wrong, okay?” Magnus looked back at Alec.

“Just walk like I am not there,” Alec said while he nodded continuously and was a bit nervous perhaps.

“Not an easy task but okay,” Magnus said, looking down and onto the street. It somehow seemed overly frightening.

When he looked back at Alec he saw a faint smile on his face, “okay,” he repeated and brought Alec's hand up to his upper arm, feeling as he slightly held on to it.

Magnus turned slowly and started to go down the steps as Alec followed him; he felt confident in his movements and for just that one moment, he felt it too. He could do this. They both could.

“The last one,” Magnus said when they reached the very last step, looking over his shoulder at Alec, who had curled the corners of his mouth up slightly.

“You're doing fine, don't worry,” he said in a low voice as he stood next to Magnus.

“I guess you know these steps well,” Magnus said and Alec shook his lowered head but said nothing. He knew that Alec didn't like to answer something when Magnus already knew said answer. He had seen him and Maryse on the sidewalk in the morning.

Magnus said nothing and just started to walk. He didn't want to remember what had happened in the last two days. At least not _that_ part.

Brooklyn Heights was one of the parts of Brooklyn Magnus knew well. It was near DUMBO, where he lived, only the Brooklyn Bridge separated the two neighborhoods. Alec's brownstone was twenty minutes away from his loft without shortcuts. He was familiar with the neighborhood. He came to the promenade or the piers often by the East River to paint, or draw, or just relax a bit.

Remsen Street, where Alec lived, was closer to the river, maybe they should walk down there, Magnus thought as they walked in the opposite direction. His plan was to turn left on Hicks Street and walked down to the promenade on Montague Street—had they turned right on the same corner, they could have gone to that delicious Thai restaurant that was there. He should have asked Alec where he wanted to walk first.

It wasn't as if he hadn't offered before. Alec had rejected him so much that he'd scratched taking a walk from his list of activities to do with Alec. Now, it was suddenly back in his plate and he still didn't know what to do exactly or how to react to it for that matter.

Magnus glanced at Alec as they walked, the man's eyes were fixed in one direction. Magnus thought he was probably focused on his steps or on whatever was happening around, or maybe, he was just lost in his thoughts and Magnus wondered what he could be thinking about.

“We're going down on Hicks, okay?” Magnus asked and Alec nodded as his eyes turned toward Magnus, following his voice.

They didn't walk fast and they didn't walk slow. Magnus thought it was a good pace for both of them even though Alec had longer legs. He was sure the man would probably walk faster on a normal day but this was simply a pleasant, nice walk.

Magnus tried to focus on the sidewalk and further, trying to plan their route in his head as he showed a small smile to the few people who made way for them to walk by.

They took another turn and Magnus looked at Alec again. This whole situation was plain weird. They were walking very close to each other and Alec's steady grip on his upper arm made their strolling quite intimate in Magnus' opinion. It was the trust that guiding a blind person required and it made it somehow more private. Magnus' mind was wandering everywhere, making up theories, trying to decide what was happening, trying to figure it all out.

“A penny for your thoughts?” Magnus asked out of the blue, staring at everything and at nothing in particular in front of him. He needed to strike a conversation. The silence between them, although not uncomfortable, was heavy and he felt the need to lighten up the mood even if a little.

“Do you work out?” Alec asked back instead of giving him a straight answer, making Magnus look at him immediately.

“What?” He let out a tiny laugh.

“Sorry,” Alec said and turned his head away although Magnus could see a bit of a blush on his cheeks, “your arm... I figured you...well, you know...,” Alec said, gesturing nervously with his other hand.

“Oh,” Magnus' eyes widened at the realization. Of course, Alec was holding him by his upper arm, he could probably notice and feel his muscles.

Alec didn't say a word. He just lowered his head and Magnus cleared his throat.

“I go to the gym whenever I have some free time, yes,” Magnus said, looking back and forth between Alec and the sidewalk, “and I used to do Krav Maga,” he added.

“I see,” Alec said nervously.

They turned on Montague Street but Magnus didn't warn Alec this time; Alec just followed Magnus' movement.

As much as Magnus wanted this walk to be normal and didn't want to make a fuss about it, he couldn't help himself. It still was weird and totally awkward with their forced conversation. That Alec had answered with that simple 'I see' sort of threw him off. Alec had first avoided his question, then had answered back with a question of his own, and now, at his answer, he'd given him a half-ass answer. Magnus wondered why and then he felt a bit upset because why would he do that.

“We don't really have to talk, Alec,” Magnus stated.

“You asked me what I was thinking,” Alec answered back but it seemed as if he were speaking to himself and Magnus saw a hint of disappointment in his expression.

“True, but that doesn't mean we have to,” Magnus started,  “just because I asked you something, doesn't mean you have to answer, sometimes...”

“You're just being polite,” Alec cut him off with the statement, making Magnus stop. Alec did the same, looking shocked.

“No, Alec, I'm not just being polite. I've worked at your place for the last month, and maybe, just maybe, you haven't noticed but I like to talk, that I'd rather be silent is only because I don't like listening to your sarcastic remarks and tone all the time and right now I don't know what you're going to come up with or if you're going to hurt me again,” Magnus paused as the hand Alec was using to hold on to him fell to his side,he needed to say this; he needed to make sure he understood. “So, if you can't handle this walk without making any of your usual remarks or just keeping a normal conversation, that's fine, we can just go on quietly,” Magnus said and grabbed Alec's hand to put it back on his arm, turning on his heels, ready to leave but he couldn't.

Alec's long fingers were tight around his arm and he could feel every one of them pressing deep into his skin, making Magnus turn back.

Magnus stepped in front of Alec, looking up at his clenched eyes. He didn't want to think about what was going on but his heart started to beat, drumming hard against his chest as Alec trailed his hand gently down on his arm to his palm, sinking into Magnus'. His skin tingled under Alec's touch, and he didn't dare look away, for as soon as Alec opened his eyes and were seemingly looking at Magnus, they captivated him,.

He felt Alec's fingers between his, as they intertwined in a slow motion as if on their own and Magnus felt Alec's thumb caressing the back of his hand gently. Magnus gulped and parted his lips to allow air an easy way in and out but he wasn't really making an effort to breathe properly—not that he could anyway.

“I would like you to forgive me, I want to apologize, Magnus,” Alec said and stepped a bit closer to Magnus, his eyes searching for something, “I didn't mean it, I mean, I know I shouldn't have said what I said in the first place but I'm so sorry I hurt you—”

“Alec,” Magnus said with that breathe he was holding back.

“No, I know… I know how I treated you, and… and I know you didn't deserve that,” Alec said and didn't let go of Magnus' hand, his tone seemed honest but not that confident, “I… I hope... I hope it's not too late, but,” Alec stopped and Magnus' eyes dropped on his neck as his Adam's apple bobbed again, “I want to start fresh,” he said and licked his lips as he finished talking.

Magnus' heart was still racing in his chest, and Alec's touch didn't help the situation. He didn't want to think too much into it—but he was a hopeless romantic, and well, it wasn't like this was the most normal thing for them to do—and this whole interaction was too overwhelming. Alec's beautiful hazel eyes were locked on him, his wet full lips were shining as the sun touched them and his soft finger was squeezing the back of his hand, as if Alec wanted to  reassure Magnus that he was standing in front of him, that he was speaking to him, and that he really meant all he had said just a couple seconds ago.

“Fresh start?” Magnus said under his nose, “okay,” he added.

“Okay?” Alec's eyes lit up and he smiled softly.

“Yeah, I can do that,” Magnus nodded, “let's go on then, we're not far,” he said and turned on his heels, starting to walk, pulling Alec after him.

“Okay,” Magnus heard Alec saying and his hold grew tighter around his hand.

Magnus knew that he should have said that he forgave Alec because he didn't like holding grudges and being angry at people but he didn't want to lie to him either. However, if he said he forgave him then he wanted to mean it but right then he just couldn't. But that fact didn't mean that they couldn't start fresh.

Magnus glanced at Alec when he managed to keep up with him. His expression seemed weird though, his eyes were pacing everywhere around them then Magnus realized why.

They were still holding hands, their fingers intertwined and Alec probably wasn't comfortable with it, making it more difficult to be guided. It was probably harder to follow someone when you were actually walking next to him like a couple, instead of having the other person guide you.

Magnus swallowed hard at the thought. He didn't remember when he had last walked hand in hand with someone. It was true that he had taken a stroll with Dot the Saturday before but that was another thing. They hadn't held hands or had walked so close to each other like Alec and he were right then. Now, they looked like a couple. A couple, yes, because no one could tell Alec was actually blind because he simply didn't look like one. His eyes wandered in every direction as if he could see what was happening around him and his steps became more confident as they got closer to the end of the street.

Magnus was thinking if he should ask him to make a hold on his arm and he turned his head to look at him and he froze when he saw Alec's pained expression. Magnus squeezed Alec's hand softly and Alec turned his head to him.

“Alexander,” Magnus whispered, making a slower pace, “are you okay?” Magnus asked as they eventually stopped a couple of feet from Pierrepont. They were almost at the promenade. Magnus could see the view of Manhattan from where they were standing.

“Where are we? And where are we heading?” Alec asked without taking a break and he started breathing heavily.

“We are at the end of Montague, I thought we could walk down to the promenade,” Magnus said with the same rush. He just wanted to let Alec know as soon as possible, “are you okay? You look pale. Do you want me to let go of your hand?” Magnus asked as Alec's eyes were pacing back and forth.

“No, please don't,” Alec blurted out his voice shaky, “it's better, I mean you can't slip out of my hand,” Alec said then he brought his wounded hand to his face, rubbing his eyes lightly, “oh God, that sounded silly,” he said under his nose.

“No, it's okay,” Magnus said and stroked his thumb against the back of Alec's hand.

“Can we…” Alec started hesitantly, “can we go home now?” He asked, his tone was shy as a child's.

Magnus' heart melted because this Alec looked vulnerable, the daylight making great things to his face but his heart broke at the same time because Alec still seemed lost and frightened. And if Magnus' life depended on it, then he would have been most certainly dead because he had no idea what was going through Alec's mind to be in such a state and Alec's sweating palms weren't making it easier.

“Sure, of course,” Magnus told him and waited for him to move or something but he remained motionless, “Alec, what's wrong? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I just...I... need to get back,” he said hesitantly.

“Come, I'm gonna take you home,” Magnus said and pulled Alec's hand softly. Maybe he needed some encouragement.

Alec followed him, picking Magnus' pace quickly. The fact that Magnus was worried was an understatement as seeing Alec like that was something he hadn't experienced before. It wasn't the kind of behavior he'd seen on him the other morning when Magnus found him sleeping in that blood-covered bed and he woke him up just to make sure he was alright. This time, it was as if Alec were frightened, and if he was honest with himself, the possibilities could be endless.

“I live in DUMBO, you know?” Magnus announced randomly, he wanted to take Alec's mind off his problem—whatever it was, “we are kind of neighbors,” Magnus said and laughed  because he never thought about that way.

Alec's eyes went to Magnus, his face showing a faint smile.

“If you say so,” Alec answered, his voice still coated with worry. His hands, Magnus noticed, were getting sweaty, and his breathing was still uneven.

“But I live close to the bridge, I might add,” Magnus lifted his index, his own tone a bit cheerful, trying to help him calm down a little.

“Do you have a view of the bridge?” Alec asked and Magnus sensed some curiosity in him. Perhaps what he was trying to help him was working.

“I certainly do,” Magnus said proudly.

“That sounds nice,” Alec responded.

Magnus remained silent for a couple of minutes before he started talking again. Somehow, he knew that he shouldn't have to ask it, but sue him, he was curious.

“You really didn't get to see your house?” Magnus looked at Alec, watching his reaction.

“No,” Alec shook his head, “but I know what it's supposed to look like,” he took a deep breath, “I did get to see it before buying it but it was pretty run down and it needed a major remodelling, plus, I made its interior design,” he added.

“It's really beautiful, really,” Magnus told him, certain that it was the first time Alec had spoken so much without trying to bite his head off. It was a fresh start indeed.

“Thank you,” Alec was looking in front of him, like he could imagine the house he'd never seen beyond a couple of visits and then his drafts, “I wanted everything to be very bright and warm and tried to make the place seem wider, just as it is now,” Alec explained.

“I think you did a great work with that,” Magnus said and he didn't know if Alec was really comfortable talking about architecture, or building, or his home. He was just trying to make him talk, think about something that can help him get distracted, after all, Alec was still holding on to his hand strongly.

“I guess I'm the only one who's dark in it,” Alec said and Magnus' eyes widened. Here we go again, he thought and took a deep breath that he was sure Alec could hear.

“Yeah, you are certainly dark,” Magnus started and swallowed the 'handsome' down as he looked at Alec, “and that bush on your face has almost reached that dark hair of yours, so yeah, you're gonna be one sooner or later,” Magnus said as he was staring Alec's beard, trying to ignore Alec's newest remark.

Alec snorted and brought his other hand to his face, rubbing his jawline with his index, middle finger, and thumb as they walked.

None of them said anything, they took another turn and they were on Alec's street. Magnus looked down at their hands and intertwined fingers. It was ridiculous how perfectly their hands fitted together like they had been made for each other. Magnus held back the urge to lift Alec's hand and start studying it.

He shook his head, he needed to focus on the task at hand, which was guiding a blind man, not thinking about him beyond that. What the hell was wrong with him? Their hands fitted because they were both artists in their own right. Yes, that was the reason. There was nothing else to it.

Besides, Magnus didn't know Alec's real personality—if he even had one—. He had only known a bitter, cold, and grumpy man for almost a month now, which hadn't really been that pleasant for him. So he just had to be careful because he could never know when Alec was going to snap again and he really couldn't tell how he would react to it. Yes, they had just agreed on a new start but that didn't mean Magnus had forgotten all the things that had happened, all the rudeness, cold-shouldered remarks and raw tone he had received from Alec.

The walk, which hadn't been that bad, didn't go without a remark about being blind from Alec either but Magnus somehow didn't want to accept it because Alec was walking next to him like a normal person would, damn it, it actually looked like as if he were his boyfriend—yes, he thought about it and compared the situation to _that_. Maybe Alec was ready to accept to live the way he was already living it but all the people around him didn't, not his mother, not his sister, not even his therapist… And Magnus didn't want that either. It was against his attitude. People should live their life and make the most out of it.

“We are almost back, just a couple of feet,” Magnus whispered and shook his head, trying to clear his mind.

Alec didn't say a word, he just followed Magnus as he announced the first step of the stairs of the brownstone. They went up the steps and Alec let Magnus' hand go as they reached the front door. Magnus looked at his own palm for a couple of seconds, missing Alec's warmth immediately. Then he rolled his eyes because he was ridiculous—and maybe quite desperate for love. Was he really? No. He was just a hopelessly romantic person. Yeah, that was it. The fact that he missed some human touch wasn't a factor whatsoever.

Magnus unlocked the door and pushed it wide open, so Alec could go inside. But Alec stood motionless on the same spot, then he gestured with his hands for Magnus to go in. Magnus looked at him from head to toe again before going inside, stepping by the wall next to the front door to enter his code while Alec came inside in tow, closing the door behind him.

“Thank you, it was a nice stroll,” Alec said, and Magnus turned around, seeing Alec leaning against the door, his chest was moving fast. He couldn't have been exhausted, they had only gone around a block, he thought.

“Anytime,” Magnus said on his softest tone, “would you like to drink something? Iced tea?” Magnus offered.

“Thank you, but I think I'm gonna continue my book in my room until lunch,” he said just before he straightened his body and rushed to the stairs and climbed them in a hurry.

Magnus stood there with wide eyes and motionless. He was at a loss for words, not knowing what has just happened.

“Okay,” he said under his nose and went to the kitchen, washing his hands as he started preparing the supplies for his special mint-lime-blueberry lemonade because he had just changed his mind.  

 

 

***

 

 

He had been apprehensive and really scared. Going out beyond the sidewalk in front of his house was a bigger ordeal for him than he could ever explain to anyone.

It wasn't a matter of not being able to do it. He had his walking stick—latest tech according to Jace—he was able to find his way around any place. He simply could. No, he was lying to himself right then. He could do all that in _his_ house. A place he had seen way before the accident and had fallen in love with. A place he had engraved in his memory from all the hours spent over his computer working on the changes and the improvements he'd planned to do and which had eventually fallen into the hands of a fellow architect because when the time came and the papers had already been signed, he hadn't been able to do it.

He knew what the place looked like by having committed to memory every single measure, the number of steps, feeling of the textures on the walls, tiles, wood. He knew every inch of the house, every turn, every casing for the frames, the type of wood they had used in every room, every nail that had been used, he'd seen it or bought it.

That was his house, the place where he'd been able to hide from the world after the accident. He knew there was nothing holding him back but himself to go to the world and be a functional human being, but the truth was, everything was holding him back, like a thick iron chain around his neck that was making him drown deep in the darkest of oceans for that was how he felt, right then, in the safety of his room.

Alec had pretty much ran upstairs and had stumbled against the handrail on the way to his room, his hand was sweating and he had trouble turning the doorknob to enter. Once he did, he'd closed the door and was resting against it trying to catch his breath. He knew he was hyperventilating.

“This was a bad idea…this was a bad idea…” he repeated as he put his hand on his chest and tried to control himself. Izzy had taught him about breathing deep, in and out, to help himself but he was having a hard time doing the simplest thing his body knew how to do without anyone's help.

Alec didn't regret for a second having asked Magnus to take him for a walk. It had giving him the chance to talk to him in spite of everything. And he, Alec, must've been a better actor than he thought he was for he hoped Magnus hadn't noticed him freaking out. The second he'd stepped on the sidewalk, he knew what was going to happen. He was certain he was going to apologize and was going to make it but then his body had started to shut down.

The street had been so loud, his ears hurt. The smells, by God, that there had been so many. Only the bakery at the end of the street had made any sense, everything else had been overwhelming and he hadn't been able to handle it. He could hear so many cars honking, their tires screeching so goddamn close and loud.

Alec managed to crawl all the way to his bed. His heart was still hammering against itself and the familiar feeling of the bed and the known lavender smell of the linens helped him recover his composure. This was his room, his home. He was safe.

The only good thing had been that he and Magnus had managed to talk. He knew the poor man must've been shitting his pants when he asked him to take him for a walk, but he needed that, even if it had lasted a few ephemeral minutes. He had needed to talk to him on neutral ground, where the hurt and the offense weren't there as a reminder.

Magnus had tried to make small talk, he had truly tried, he could tell from his voice, and he had responded in kind. It wasn't easy for him to do that. To accept he was ready to start fresh, to forget the pain he had inflicted on himself for no reason. He simply hoped Magnus could understand and really try to start fresh with him because he needed it. He needed to know he wasn't a horrible human being.

Alec had talked to his mom about it. He remembered their conversation from last night  when she'd reassured him. He climbed on the bed, looking for the comfort of it. He hugged a pillow and buried his face on it. The guilt was eating him alive and he'd felt like that for a while already.

Having walked with Magnus had taken his emotions to a whole new level, and that was uncharted territory for him. Magnus didn't trust him and he couldn't blame him. He'd agreed on them having a fresh start but he knew it was going to take time, especially because he hadn't exactly been a ray of sunshine. He was grateful, though. Magnus had agreed to take him for a walk, that was a start. He'd done it with grace and without a complaint.

Magnus had guided him and he'd found that it was so easy to be guided by him. It had been a long time since he'd willingly touched someone else and he thought he was going to lose it again. He needed to calm down.

Get his breathing even. Inhale, one, two. Exhale, one two. Come on Alec, you can do it, he repeated to himself until he finally thought he could do it.

He opened his eyes, looking to where the window was supposed to be, based on his position on the bed. There was nothing but dark but he had begun to manage to calm down. He had told Magnus he was going to be reading but he had known better, he needed to hide, because of this. Because the walk and everything else had him on edge.

Why would the feel of Magnus' arm under his hand moved him like this? He could tell he was tense, which simply defined his muscles. Magnus worked out, Krav Maga he'd said. They'd tried to talk, he had wanted to say so much but he hadn't known how to begin or if the other would've engaged in conversation with him. Magnus had tried, though. He kept trying and why, by God, why would he do that? Why would he keep trying to come to an understanding with him? Alec had been rude to him. A complete ass, if he had to call himself something. And yet, Magnus still tried to be nice although now he was also trying to avoid confrontation.

It had stung when Magnus had told him he didn't need to talk to him. Before, Magnus would have tried. He had been wrong, Alec thought. Magnus had already given up on him in a way, just like everybody else had. That had been why, on instinct, he'd slid his hand all the way down to Magnus'. He, Alec, could no longer speak with his words, for they meant nothing to the people around him. He had had to use his actions, and he believed that if Magnus could feel his hand, then he could and would forgive him eventually. He didn't know what his eyes were showing anymore.

And he needed to _see_ him too, he needed to feel what his reaction was.

He'd agreed to a fresh start, that was good, was it not?

However, he hadn't imagined the feeling he had now after having held Magnus' hand. He'd initially wanted to transmit to the other man what he was feeling, perhaps he, a man who was already learning Braille, could manage to see him through his hands, feel him like he did with others—which was one of his many reasons to not touch others—, and yet, it had just felt natural to intertwined his fingers with Magnus' and press his fingers against the back of his hand, as if it was known to him. He had wanted to reassure him that he meant what he said.

He hadn't heard the word forgiveness from him but that wasn't all bad.

The thing was that it had been Magnus who had ended up reassuring him, Alec, the man who didn't need anyone, much less one Magnus Bane, actual caretaker extraordinaire. Because, right then and there, at the end of Montague so close to the promenade, Alec had felt as if he were about to faint. He'd been out for too long, not having thought well about what he was doing. Asking Magnus to take him out for a walk had been an impulse, a spur of the moment thing.

He laid face down in bed, his breathing finally under his control. He didn't know how long it'd been and didn't care to check. He wanted to stay there for as long as he could and just regain whatever bit of dignity he still had in him. He was exhausted. He had tried. He had done well. No, not yet, but little by little. Baby steps.

Alec didn't notice when he fell asleep.

Alec woke up because of a knock on his door. It was something subtle and he simply managed to lift his head. He was feeling disoriented and kept his eyes shut tight, trying to dissipate the hammering in his head.

He heard the door as it opened and didn't need much to figure out it was Magnus. His steady steps, which he'd already committed to memory out of sheer boredom, told him the man had walked all the way to the side of the bed toward the window. Was that where he was?

“Alec, are you okay?” He heard Magnus said and could do nothing but grab his head, showing him he had a headache. He was struggling to find the words to express himself as he realized his voice was hoarse and his throat dry.

“Sorry…” he managed to say and tried to sit down. The headache was going to kill him, he mused and was grateful when he heard Magnus' reassuring breathing still in the room.

“You haven't eaten anything since this morning and I was here to let you know I was gonna go but gimme a sec and I'll get some food in you. Is there any medication you take for a headache?”

Alec nodded, still trying to figure out what was happening. He muttered a “Tylenol in the bathroom cabinet,” and rested his body against the headrest. He would never have imagined that going out for just a few blocks was going to have such a bad impact on him.

Well, not everything was lost. He'd managed to get Magnus to agree on a fresh start and although they weren't friends, he was going to make the next month or so as easy for them as possible so that when Magnus left at the two-month mark, he would be at peace with himself.

He pushed his legs against his chest and rested his face against his knees. He didn't dare move much or else his head would split into two and Magnus would have to clean up the mess. He chuckled. That would've been a much bigger murder scene than the one his finger had created.

His hand still throbbed from the cut. Now he was certain it was pretty deep and he knew his wound was going to need some cleaning and a new bandage later on.

“Sorry it took me so long, I know you like your mom's food but I fixed you a sandwich. Hope you don't mind,” Magnus' voice was soft by his side. He'd never heard it like that, tinted with a little worry here and there. He just nodded, unable to say much. “Here…”

At his words, Alec lifted his head and then he heard the rustle of Magnus' clothes against the duvet and his steady steps on the rug. Magnus was pushing his legs down on the bed and was placing a cushion—or were they two—behind his back and was helping him get comfortable. He heard as something was placed in front of him and Magnus grabbing his hands to put them on the bed tray they kept in the kitchen and guiding them to the sandwich.

“I know you're not feeling well but you need to eat something before you take your pills. Can you manage?”

“Isn't it time for you to go home?” Alec asked worriedly. He didn't want to disrupt Magnus' life more than he had already and didn't know how not to do it. Perhaps his words were harsh enough.

“It's okay, Alec. I think it's been a pretty crazy day, and I've told you, we're neighbors and there's no one waiting for me at home. I can stay a bit longer,” Alec sighed and nodded. It _had_ been a crazy day. His mom had spent the night, they'd talk like, really talked, that night and before she went home and he'd promised he was as going to ask Magnus for forgiveness, he'd asked Magnus to take him out on a walk. He must've freaked Magnus out when he'd asked him to bring him back after a few minutes.

Izzy was right. He loved to hang his guilt as a precious medal around his neck.

“Finish your sandwich and take your pills, they are on your left by your plate. Where do you keep your PJs?”

“Huh?” Alec asked as he took a bit of his food and filled his mouth with it. The sandwich had cheese and ham but also had lettuce and tomato and a sort of dressing that was soft and was melting on his tongue filling his taste buds.

“Your PJs? Where are they?”

“Drawers,” he answered his mouth full, “what did you put in this? It's delicious.”

“Just some mayo and cilantro mixed together, that's how my mom used to make my sandwiches.”

Alec felt a pang in his heart. Magnus was definitely the better man out of the two of them. After all he'd done to him and the offense, he still took time to make him something to eat after his mom. It took him an extra second to swallow and hesitated to continue for another.

“You sure you're okay? You're pale, you know?” Magnus asked him and Alec stared at whatever was in front of him.

“My head…” he tapped his temple softly and gave Magnus a what he knew was his fake smile.

“Then do me a favor. Finish your food and take the pills. I'm going to go get you some more water and you can get back to sleep, okay?”

“Magnus you don't have to…”

“I'm not going to leave you here knowing another accident can happen. You could've told me you weren't feeling well, you know? I'm here to look after you. This might have prevented the headache in the first place.”

“Sorry, I just fell asleep and didn't even notice,” Alec answered. Magnus was scolding him in a way but wasn't really accusing him of anything. This might work, the fresh start. He couldn't screw that up or could he?

Of curse he could. He wasn't an angel, he was this dark, bitter person who didn't deserve anyone's attention, even if they were paid to look after him. He took the sandwich a bit reluctantly and took another bite. He had to close his eyes because the damn thing was the simplest of foods and yet was so delicious that he could feel it melting in his mouth and ending the agony in his stomach. His head was thanking him too, for he knew Magnus was right and he needed to eat something before taking the Tylenol.

“It's OK, don't worry about it,” Magnus began and Alec could still hear him around the room, opening drawers and bringing stuff to him, “I guess you must be uncomfortable with those jeans, I mean, they're too tight and well, here are some comfier clothes for you to change into. Are you done here?”

He smiled at his words. He was completely uncomfortable on those jeans and he still even had his shoes and all. He waited for Magnus to take the tray away, not before handing him the pills and a glass of water and sat on the bed, his legs resting on the side. He took the Tylenol and the water in a big gulp and stood up. Magnus was still around and he just heard him rushing to his side as his head started spinning.

“Slowly, Alec. Take it easy,” Magnus told him and he just let him help him sit down again. His head was hanging against his chest and then he noticed the man in front of him. He noticed his shoes being taken off his feet and he jumped.

“Magnus!” He said in a hurry, his voice filled with panic. Nobody had taken care of him like that. Not even his mother the night before. She had just let him do his thing and she'd waited patiently for him to be ready for her.

“It's okay, Alec. Fresh start, remember? I'm here to help and you're not feeling well, so, let me help you. I promise I'll be careful.”

Alec didn't know how to feel then. He nodded in defeat. His headache had given way to a pounding migraine that had his skull pulsing. He closed his eyes in reflex and cover his face with his hands. He let Magnus help him because right then and there, he needed his help.

Magnus took his shoes and socks off and then, helped him stand up to take his pants off, the cold of the room making him shiver. Magnus had him sit down again as he helped him put on his sweatpants and accommodated them around his hips. Alec felt embarrassed. Not only because he needed help but because Magnus was dealing with his inability to look after himself. He felt without any strength left, the searing pain of his migraine cursing through him mercilessly.

Alec just let him Magnus do. He undressed him and dressed him back and even tucked him in under the bedsheets.

“Do you want me to stay a bit longer?” Magnus asked but Alec couldn't really answer. He just needed to sleep, get rid of the pain, and be a functional human being again.

“I'm good. You're my neighbor, I'll shout if I need you?” He said in a low, grave voice. He felt like he was dying and went back to his days at the hospital when he had first woken up from the accident.

“Rest then, I'll come back tomorrow.”

If Magnus kept talking, Alec had no idea. He was exhausted, the walk had taken its toll on him and he felt like he was dying. All his dignity had gone down the drain in a couple of days, but he had to learn. He had to do better. He needed to stop making mistakes even if they were bound to happen.

No, he needed to pay more attention.

This was an embarrassing fresh start alright.

 

 

***

 

He'd walked back to his loft later than usual. Once Alec had passed out—and he wasn't sure if it was because of the pain or because of the pills—he'd stayed taking care of his hand. The bandage looked a bit bloody and they hadn't changed at all that day, what with the surprise night over by Maryse or the walk or by Alec locking himself in his room all day. Something had been off, and he knew it. Alec's hand had felt sweaty all of a sudden and he was pretty sure it hadn't been because he was apologizing but over something else.

He hadn't given it much thought while he'd been downstairs eating and reading and doing his own thing. Liar, Magnus told himself. He hadn't done much that day. First, it had been discovering Alec's office. That place was like a testament to what and who Alec had been before his accident. The blueprints on the walls, the models on the shelves, they were all so incredibly creative. The way the man used the space given to him and how he could transform it was a testament to his creative mind. Magnus had looked out the window then, trying not to walk back downstairs and admired them like a fanboy would.

That type of man, the one he'd taken a walk with, wasn't the one he'd been around for weeks now. Alec, the Alec he was familiar with, was this grumpy man who could get set off over anything. Even just breathing. This man was something who seemed strangely regretful and who seemed to want to make amends.

The physical contact they had when walking hadn't helped either. Magnus could still feel his fingers slightly buried in his arm as he was guiding him and then his hands together as Alec tried to talk to him and got him to agree on a fresh start. He could still feel Alec's hand in his and how it was both reassuring and unsettling. That man was definitely a mystery he was afraid of even trying to start unveiling. He feared that one minute he was this nice, easy-to-kind-of-talk person and then he was going to be Alec from hell with his sarcasm and bad manners.

However, something had gone wrong at some point. Alec had panicked, it was impossible for him not to see it. Was it the noise outside? The place where he wanted to take him in their impromptu walk? Himself? Magnus wasn't sure. The way Alec had reacted when they'd made it home, running upstairs to supposedly read, was a telltale for Magnus.

He'd tried not to pry, had given him the space he'd needed. Alec didn't come to the kitchen for his lunch and he'd gone to his room a couple of times, hadn't managed to knock on his door and hadn't heard anything from the inside, so, of course, Alec must've been reading.

It had been the end of his shift when he went to say goodbye and Alec hadn't answered. After the night before and what had happened with his hand, he'd decided to open the door and see that everything was fine, check his hand, and change his bandages. However, the image of Alec lying in his bed, pretty much dressed as he'd seen him when they came home was enough to make him worry. And then, talking to him and seeing him in so much pain had made him enter caretaker mode. He'd looked after him, he'd helped him get into his PJs and had put him in bed.

That was something he hadn't imagined even in his wildest dreams. Alec had just made the fresh start thing something real and he was taken aback by it.

Magnus hadn't hesitated in preparing something for him to eat. Having made that sandwich for him the way his mother used to make it for him had been something he hadn't planned. It just came to him and now he was guessing it was just to give him some sense of solace. If he had been feeling that awful, then he was in need of something nice and for once, Alec had no way of saying no.

Changing Alec's into his sweatpants and t-shirt before putting him to bed was a test to his own senses. He knew Alec had a body sculpted by probably Michelangelo as it could rival his David. He'd tried not to watch, not to pay attention to anything, but it had been hard for him not to. There were some scars of small cuts on his right arm, from the shoulder to the elbow, and they were so tiny, he'd had to be at a close distance for him to notice them. Alec had winced several times, the pain must have been that unbearable, he thought as he made his way into his loft.

His night had finished early as he was exhausted and waking up equally early in the morning hadn't been as awful as he had expected. The only problem he'd encountered so far had been that his coffee shop was still closed and he hadn't been able to get either his coffee or his pastries but he was okay; after all, there was coffee at Alec's and he could always make himself something quick to eat.

The first Magnus noticed when he walked into the house was how silent it was. Alec was still asleep, after all, it was just barely seven in the morning, and he couldn't blame him. A pain like he was in the day before was too much. He left his things on the dining table and ran upstairs, taking the steps in twos. He opened the door without making any noise and made sure he was still asleep.

He came to the bed and Alec looked completely at ease, a sight he wasn't used to seeing. Alec was sleeping on his belly, his head buried in the pillow and his arms around it, hugging it tightly. The duvet was halfway down his body and his breathing was steady and calm. He was glad. He'd been worried the night before and after seeing him in so much pain this was good progress.

Magnus felt the urge to push away the hair that was covering his eyes right then but shook his head. A fresh start didn't mean crossing the line.

He nodded looking around him and took the dirty clothes from the night before to leave them in the hamper on the corner by the closet. He'd take care of doing the laundry later. Greta had made a good job the previous day, even taking off the bedclothes he had changed the day before. He shook his head. The past two days had been way too messy even for him.

Once he was back downstairs, he just made some coffee while he looked for his phone. He hesitated as he looked for the number he needed through his contacts and as soon as he found it, he let his fingers hover over the name. Finally, Magnus dialed the number, confident that she'd answer in spite of the hour.

“Magnus? Is everything alright? Alec?” The voice on the other side said and he pressed the bridge of his nose with his left thumb and index fingers.

“Everything is okay, Maryse, don't worry, I just...I wanted to let you know he had a really bad migraine yesterday, it got me a little worried, that's why I'm calling,” he'd spoken in a low voice, trying to keep calm and waited. He heard her as she was probably getting off her bed or walking around the room from the sounds of it, but he didn't press.

“A migraine? It had been a while since he'd had one. Did anything in particular happen?” She asked and Magnus lay against the counter by the coffee maker. He looked toward the staircase to the upper floor and decided not to tell her about their walk or their talk. He felt a little protective of Alec right then and just wanted to check things with Maryse. “Is that why you're there so early? It was bad, wasn't it?”

“Uh, huh,” Magnus answered as the coffee beeped announcing his coffee was ready for him and he sat down at the island, “I'm a bit worried because I hadn't seen him like that before, but I think it's under control, he's still sleeping, I just wanted to make sure he was feeling better.”

“Thank you, Magnus. I know that after everything that's happened...I mean...Alec...my son can be a handful,” she said as she exhaled and Magnus could picture her as she spoke. That woman loved her son above all and he promised to himself he was going to keep on doing his best to make sure Alec was alright if it was only for her sake.

“It's okay. I'm here anyway. I'll let you know how it all goes, alright?”

“Yes and again, Thank you. Have a good day, Magnus.”

“You too, Maryse,” he hung up the phone and drank his coffee as he read the latest news in Alec's iPad on the island. He realized it was quite clever to keep it there as it was something Alec did whenever he was in the kitchen and with such an ease a stranger would've thought he could see alright.

A while later, he wasn't really counting the time, he heard movement upstairs and the bathroom door opening and closing. He knew it was that one because a moment later he heard the muted sound of the shower and he went upstairs. He entered Alec's bedroom, made his bed, and took the glass of water downstairs.

Magnus felt as if it were the most natural thing for him to do. He felt useful—finally—and not like he was earning his money by just breathing the same air as Alec and putting up with his awful behavior.

They had decided to try anew. So, bring it, Mr. Alec Asswood. Let's see what you have in store, he thought.

When Alec walked into the kitchen, he looked better than the day before though still pale. Magnus watched him intently. He wasn't wearing any jeans, just sweatpants and was wearing socks without shoes. He was wearing a worn-down, old, green La Salle Spartans t-shirt and his hair was still disheveled in spite of the shower he'd just taken.

“Morning,” Alec said and Magnus smiled to himself. Alec Lightwood early in the morning was still a sight to behold. If only the man weren't so negative.

“Morning Alec, how are you feeling?” He greeted back and saw him still a bit disoriented. He had his hands in front of him on the island and was closing and opening them without really knowing what to do with them, making Magnus raise his eyebrows as he waited.

“Honestly? I have no idea. That headache yesterday…” he started and waved his hands, making Magnus stop on his way to the fridge.

“Was the walk too much for you?” Magnus asked him, a little wary of the answer, but he noticed as Alec shook his head and so he grabbed what he needed to make some breakfast for them.

Alec nodded and buried his face in his hands, which Magnus found somehow cute. There was a slight blush on Alec's cheeks and he wondered why he was so worked up.

“It wasn't the walk as much as the street and the noise and...argh...yeah, it was too much I guess,” no lies, no sass, that was progress for Magnus.

“I'm sorry. We'll take it easier next time, sounds good?” Magnus offered as the bacon crackled on the pan and he mixed some eggs in a bowl.

“What are you doing, Magnus?” Alec asked and Magnus could see him inhaling the scent of the food. He smiled to himself. Alec hadn't probably had a homemade meal in ages. Scratch that, Greta had made them breakfast the day before.

“I didn't have much time to eat at home or find my coffee shop open, so, breakfast à la Magnus it is,” he said faking a French accent—quite poorly—and at Alec's sort of smile he stopped for a second. A smile from Alec Lightwood in less than a day after agreeing on starting over, that was major progress indeed.

“Why wasn't your shop open?”

“I came earlier than usual,” Magnus answered as he took some bacon and put it in front of Alec and started making the scrambled eggs. He'd already chopped onions, tomatoes, and some cilantro in another pan and was mixing it with the eggs, a smell of spice filling the air.

“You didn't have to, Magnus l…” Alec started and Magnus turned, putting a piece of bacon in Alec's mouth, who just took it with his fingers and chewed it.

“We're not going to take a step forward and two backward, Alec. I got worried so I came early. I didn't find my morning breakfast, I'm making some. Do small chat, don't talk at all, your pick, but food is off limits. Today, you're going to eat properly, take some medicine, and will do anything to avoid another migraine. Okay?” Magnus' heart started racing at his harsh words. He needed that to be able to make it. To be able to get over that month of hell and do his job. They didn't need to be friends but they could get along, as much as was possible. And he had truly been worried.

He noticed Alec chewing the bacon and nodding and he grinned. One step at a time, baby steps. That was good. That was enough.

“Eat your eggs, they're right in front of you, I'll get you your coffee, there's more bacon to the left…”

“I don't eat this much, you know?”

“As a matter of fact, I do, I've seen you, but my friend Catarina says you need proper food to hold medicine, so proper food it is,” Magnus said as he set his own plate in front of him and then two mugs of coffee for them.

“Catarina?” Alec asked as he ate his eggs and Magnus found it curious that he'd never noticed how Alec's eyebrows furrowed and his head lowered when he wanted to know something and didn't know how to ask.

“Catarina Loss, incredible nurse and bestest of friends since I was a kid. We met in the system after well...you know...my mom… and had been my friend through those years and when Luke adopted me we remained friends and we still are,” he didn't know why it was that easy to just tell him about Catarina. He was sure he'd eventually tell him of his adventures with Ragnor and even Raphael. The man was just easy to talk to once he decided he was willing to.

“She sounds nice,” Alec added and Magnus could do nothing but nod in agreement.

“Cat is the best, she keeps me grounded, she listens to me, and holds my hand when I feel lost,” he confessed as he ate without taking his eyes off Alec.

This moment, the two of them together eating as normal as it could possibly be, was something he never thought he was going to be a part of. He smiled to himself and continued with his food until he was done with it and when Alec was finished too, he did the dishes.

Magnus noticed Alec was quiet and when he turned to look at him, he saw him a little fidgety.

“Are you okay?” He asked as he dried the dishes and put them in their place.

“This...us...thank you,” Alec said and Magnus was curious. Was it really that important for Alec that they got along? And if so, why? He knew the other was feeling guilty and those weren't grounds to start a relationship even if it was a working one but still. It had been good not to fight over anything and just have a decent conversation for a change. They could make it work.

He could even try to forgive Alec and his rudeness eventually.

“It was about time Alec, and I'm glad it happened,” he answered with honesty in his voice, which Alec might've picked on it, “let's just take it one day at a time, is that okay?”

As Alec nodded, Magnus went to the shelves where he kept the games he'd gotten for Alec and took the paper with Lydia's instructions.

“Lydia said you have to do some exercises and you need some eye drops, where do you keep them?”

Magnus saw him flinch and shook his head. It really was going to take an effort, he'd have to bite his tongue more than once but if Alec was going to try, then he wasn't given up.

“You don't have to, Magnus, I'm…”

“Perfectly capable of doing it on your own, I know, but I'm following your doctor's orders and I'm more afraid of her than I am of you, so, tell me where they are and we can be done with that so you can take some rest for the day, okay?”

Alec chuckled and Magnus' mind went blank. Was that man real? Like, had he just given him another rare laugh? He must've done something right if Alec was at ease right then.

“My nightstand, the first one as you enter my room,” Alec instructed him and Magnus was gone to look for the eye drops. There was something about what was happening that he still couldn't figure out. It seemed like Alec really meant a fresh start and he, Magnus, was just grateful that day had been going with such ease. He liked to work, not that he was complaining over the time he'd had to work on his masters, but this was better, feeling like he could help and perhaps make a difference.

When he came back downstairs, Alec was still on the island and was playing with the iPad, turning the VoiceOver on and going about his day. Magnus sighed. He wanted things to be as easy as possible among them but there were things he knew weren't going to be that easy.

“One step at a time,” he muttered and went to Alec, who turned toward him as soon as he heard him walk into the kitchen.

“Did you get them?” Alec asked turning on the stool to face Magnus who'd just stood there for a moment not knowing how to do this.

“Lydia said three drops in each eye,” he whispered and let his tongue in between his teeth, afraid of even breathing. This was easier said than done, he thought. He shook the small container and Alec lifted his head. His eyes were looking at everything without seeing a thing and it moved him how far they've come in such a short period of time—he wasn't really sure this was the way to put it—. Just let the medicine fall into his eyes, Magnus told himself.

He put his left hand on Alec's face, right by his temple and holding onto his head. He held the drops with his right hand and let them fall in his eyes, one at a time, three in each eye.

He gave Alec time to adjust to it in each eye, he saw him close and open his eyes quickly as the drops spread, becoming one with the wetness in his eyes.

“All done,” he said to Alec who was just there sitting opening and closing his eyes and even putting some pressure on them with his fingers. “I hope I did it right,” Alec gave him a faint smile and Magnus' left eyebrow rose. “Did I do something wrong?” He asked as Alec remained silent.

“Not at all, this is just… annoying and the drops kind of sting, you know?” He explained and Magnus nodded although the other wouldn't see him.

“I'm sorry, Lydia said you needed them three times a day and I thought…” Magnus started but he simply saw Alec cleaning a few drops that were falling from his eyes. “Lydia said your eyes are healthy, I guess that's a good thing, right?”

Alec nodded and Magnus could hear the wheels turning in Alec's head. He hesitated, as if he wanted to say something but didn't Magnus decided not to press.

“Let me check your hand and get some more rest, okay? It was a hard day for you yesterday and you shouldn't overexert yourself, I'll be here,” Magnus offered and Alec accepted. Again, there were no awful remarks and he thought that it was unseemingly of Alec to be so compliant.

Well, he wasn't going to be mad at him for it. It was quite the change and he was grateful for it.

Magnus tended to Alec's wound. It wasn't as red and bloody as before, it was actually closing quite nicely and he was glad. He asked Alec to open and close his hand to add mobility to it and saw him wince a couple of times. It must've been uncomfortable, but he was taking it like a champ, so, brownie points for Alec for that.

Alec had gained quite a few good points for himself already. Perhaps next time, he'll bring him some candy as a reward.

“It's healing well, Alec. I'm glad,” Magnus said as he wrapped a clean bandage around the hand. “It was just an inconvenient place for a cut.”

“It's not like I'm using my hands for anything important, you know?” Alec said matter-of-factly and Magnus felt like he was going to take brownie points from him.

“Why don't you? You've got Play-Doh and other stuff here to entertain yourself with whether I'm around or not if that's the problem,” Magnus retorted. He wasn't looking for confrontation but was honestly wondering. There were other people who'd been able to move on with their lives—like really move on and back to work and doing stuff that was fulfilling for them—but not Alec.

“You wouldn't understand,” Alec said as he stood up. Magnus noticed the sadness in his voice so deep and painful and he didn't say anything else. He let him be. It was better for the two of them. At least for now. He closed his hands in fists in a reflex.

“Fair enough, why don't you get some rest. I'll be here and I'll let you know when it's time for the next doses, ok?”

Magnus saw him leave and felt his hands burning from touching Alec. He looked at them and frowned. He knew it was a ludicrous thought, that such a silly thing had impacted him but it wasn't Alec who had affected him alone. Lydia's words were still present in his mind. Alec's eyes were really something to behold. And their color. How was it possible that it existed? They changed their hue and intensity depending on how the light touched them.

Lydia was right, those eyes were impossible indeed.

There was such yearning in them and Magnus couldn't understand what it was. They were so...alive. Just like Lydia had said. However, they were also sad, in pain, and Magnus wished to have known Alec in happier times.

Just like in those pictures of the book of doom.

Magnus shook his head. His mind was jumping from one thing to the next, connecting dots that didn't belong together.

Magnus sighed. He needed to stop.

***

 

 

His day, just to put it lightly, had been unnerving. And it wasn't that he was complaining. Magnus had been doing his job to the tee. He'd made his food, had helped him out on his eye drops and had even sent him to rest like any good caretaker would.

The thing was, it didn't come across as something any caretaker would do. At least not in his experience with the ones his mother had brought before Magnus.

There was something about him he hadn't seen before, something that told him Magnus wasn't just a regular guy.

Well, how could he when he'd lost his mom at a young age and had been in the system for God knew how long; and yet, he had this unselfish way of doing things, without a care in the world, something he found contradictory. How could someone who'd lost his most precious relative be so carefree and most of all, so compassionate?

Alec thought about it all morning, he really didn't know. Or perhaps, Magnus wasn't that good-hearted. After all, he was under contract and Maryse was paying him handsomely for looking after him.

Yes, that was it. People like him, Alec, weren't deserving of others' good hearts. He hadn't felt a flea's breath of pity in Magnus actions, but still, he didn't believe it. How could he when the world was such a cruel place?

He came downstairs during lunch and Magnus served him a meat and veggies stir fry he'd prepared. Alec had to admit it was delicious and definitely better than eating his mom's frozen food even if it was homemade. They made small talk and when he offered to do the dishes, Magnus ushered him out of the kitchen and into the parlor.

He'd laughed at it. How could he not? It wasn't like he was told what to do and was forced to do it every day.

His phone vibrated in his pocket as he was sitting in the parlor listening to some random TV show. **< Jace> **said the VoiceOver and he touched the screen to answer.

“Hey, bud! How's it going? How was your trip?” He asked, his voice pretty cheerful.

“Hi brother, you seem in a good mood, what don't I know?” Jace said on the other side and they both laughed.

“I'm just glad you called. It feels like ages since we last spoke,” Alec was happy listening to him, so he leaned back on the couch, his feet high on the footrest. He'd definitely taken the time to do nothing much.

“I know. The trip took longer than usual, how are you?” Jace asked. For the sounds of it, Alec thought Jace was in the office. He could hear the air conditioning in the back and how his brother was tapping something, perhaps a pen on the desk.

“'Kay I think. I had a bad migraine yesterday,” he started but hesitated. Only Maryse knew what had happened with Magnus, he hadn't dared tell anyone else. He knew he would tell Jace eventually, after all, his brother was the one person who knew him the best, even when he'd done everything he could to keep him at bay.

“You okay? Alec? Do you need anything? I'm coming over right now!”

“Jace! Jace! I'm fine. I'm better today and I'm resting, not that I don't want you here, but you know you don't have to leave everything for me,” Alec rushed to answer. This was his brother, the boy who'd come to his home one day over twenty years ago and who had stayed forever.

“You're my brother, Alec. I'd give everything up just to see you happy,” Jace stated and he felt sad. He knew for a fact that Jace would do just that. He'd already done it for them all when he'd taken over Lightwood Enterprises just to give their parents a respite after the accident. He'd made sure Alec didn't lack anything, was Maryse's right hand, and was the one he could always run to if he needed him.

He'd just done a fine good job at not needing Jace or anyone else.

“I know, Jace, and I'm good. I'd love to see you soon, though,” he confessed in a low voice. Magnus was moving around in the background and Alec felt grateful the man was letting him do his own thing, even if it was his lazy day to do it. He wanted to get back to his own routine, to taking care of himself.

“I'll come over tonight, then. I've got you some wine from the Napa Valley,” Jace started and Alec felt like he wasn't listening. Magnus was typing somewhere in a hurry. It could've been his phone or his computer, he wasn't sure, but it was quick and then he heard him giggle. He wondered why. Laughter at his home was such a scarce thing and not for lack of trying. He had just lost all desire for it. “Alec?!”

“Yeah! Sorry. I'll be here, brother,” Alec cut Jace off, he didn't want to give him much. Even if Maryse knew what had happened with Magnus, he still couldn't bring himself to tell his brother.

“I'll come over in a while, okay? Love you, Alec,” Jace said in a hurry hanging up before Alec could answer.

Alec held his phone against his chest. Jace was coming over and he couldn't help but be excited about it. He hadn't realized he missed him, much less when Jace was used to coming to see him with Izzy.

It could've been like a bonding night for them. He really missed Jace, and perhaps it was the last couple of days which were affecting him. The whole situation with Magnus was taking its toll on him even if he didn't mean it. His emotions were heightened and he could feel himself on edge.

In other times, he would've just gone to his office and bury himself in work. And by work, he meant either spend hours creating and rethinking spaces and buildings or just reading about the latest trends, or his favorite part, work out the models from an idea in his head to a 3D reality.

Magnus walked to the parlor and he straightened on the couch. He'd been lazy, recovering from a simple walk that didn't take more than a couple of blocks at most.

“Last drops of the day,” he announced and Alec sighed in defeat. It was easier when he was alone and he didn't need to be mothered around into doing whatever Lydia had instructed, and yet, it was all conflicted. He hadn't minded being cared for that day.

Well, not as much.

Alec had had this hum in his head which stayed with him whenever he had an awful migraine. He'd had to admit that Magnus had been right and maybe, just maybe really, it had been good to just listen to him and do what he'd been told. Having slept and rested that day had kept a major headache away and that was good enough for now.

He rested his head on the back of the couch and could feel Magnus soft touch on his face as he let the drops fall in his eyes. Magnus was behind him and this time, the touch hadn't been like before when he'd grabbed his head with his hand to keep him steady. He could still feel his hands on him. Just like the day before, after he'd held Magnus' during their walk.

The man had so many rings, unlike any other male he knew, felt they cold against his skin, and somehow, that wasn't bothering him for his touch was actually warm.

He felt the absence of Magnus' touch as the man finished his task and walked away.

Alec stayed in the same position. He was afraid that if he stood up he'd fall for he had no idea what was going on with him and was feeling a little disoriented. There was no point in thinking and trying to figure out what was going on with him. Magnus had been right, he had been wrong. Magnus was his caretaker, Maryse was paying him well. Alec was a grumpy hermit, and Jace was coming to see him.

The order of things was fine right then.

“I'll leave something for you to eat then,” Magnus started and Alec lifted his head quickly, looking for him as his voice sounded more distant.

“Magnus! My brother is coming tonight, so I don't want to impose. Jace and I can order some takeout and you won't have to cook more today,” he told Magnus, who he assumed was nodding for he was completely quiet. “You can go home now if you want to, I'll just get some wine and glasses out and wait for my brother here.”

“Wine?” Magnus asked him and Alec froze in his place. Was that the only thing he'd heard?

“Yes, Jace loves it and he's coming so...is there a problem with that?” He asked in a low voice.

“Of course not, it's just that, after the headache yesterday...I'd figure you wouldn't have any alcohol?” Magnus' voice was definitely closer right now, almost in front of him, so he must've returned to the parlor.

“I'm not a big drinker but my brother is and he's excited about some wine he got for me,” he said and remembered the last time he'd drunk that bottle of wine on the couch, quickly pushing his sad thoughts aside, he cleared his throat to continue but Magnus started to talk before he could.

“Well, then, if you're letting me go home early, then I guess I'll visit Cat at the hospital before going to my loft,” Magnus said walking away again. “I'll leave the wine and the glasses ready for you, but promise me you won't drink much. I'd hate to see you feeling bad again.”

Alec smiled softly. They were taking small steps into having a normal patient-caretaker relationship. It didn't mean anything that Magnus didn't want him getting sick, it was part of his job, it was what Maryse was paying him to do. There was nothing else there, not even under the nuances in a voice that spoke nothing but the truth. Magnus was always calm and so composed; well, most times. Not when people like him, hurt him.

“Alec?” Magnus called him from the kitchen, “do you have any plans for the weekend?”

“No, not really,” Alec answered confused. His weekends were as simple as his weekdays, the only exception nowadays was that Magnus wasn't around on those.

He heard Magnus opening and closing cabinets and heard the thud of the bottle and the glasses on the kitchen island and then the fridge.

“What do you mean? You won't see your family then?” Magnus asked as he came to the dining table and he heard him picking up his things.

He wouldn't, so he shook his head and bit his bottom lip. He hoped Magnus didn't ask him more, for he wouldn't know how to answer or if he would at all.

“Okay...I'm leaving the wine in the fridge so that it's cold when your brother comes, and I'll take my leave now. Have a good night Alec, and call me if you need me, okay?”

Alec nodded and was grateful Magnus didn't ask him anything else.

“See you on Tuesday then, Alec,” Magnus said on his way to the door

“Tuesday?” Alec asked, his voice a notch higher than normal and he heard Magnus as he stopped in his tracks.

“Yeah, Monday is Fourth of July. I'll see my dad on Monday, but I'll be a phone call way just in case,” Magnus stated, taking Alec by surprise.

He'd lost track of time that day, caring very little for the time and the date, which wasn't really such a thing. He'd just gotten used to not paying attention to things, and one weekend wasn't different from another.

And the holidays, well, they were just like any other day. Now, he realized where this whole family thing was coming from. How could he explain to him that he'd pushed his family so far away that there was no possible turn back. Alec couldn't see him. He'd forgotten when he'd last seen his own dad and he didn't mean it literally.

He knew his family would get together. He realized Jace's random call wasn't so random. He was sure Izzy would show up at some point that day or the next and would try to convince him to join them, but Alec would say no. The Fourth of July was a weekend they all used to spend together, and they still did. He'd just decided to opt out of it for the time being.

“Tuesday it is then, Magnus. Have a good weekend,” he muttered as the other opened the door to leave.

 

***

 

Alec had told Magnus he could go earlier, his brother Jace was coming to see him, so he figured he didn't need him around. He hadn't wanted to push when Alec had been so direct about not spending the Fourth with his family but he mused there wasn't much to do there. The amount of food still in the fridge made sense then. They had brought him food until Monday, which meant they all knew Alec wasn't going to spend the holiday with them.

Would the family just leave him alone? How could they? If he didn't want to go spend the day with them, wasn't it easier if they came to him?

Magnus shook his head. The Lightwoods were just a strange family and he'd avoided finding out about them from the press and tabloids. He simply didn't want to know. At least not for now.

He was proud in a strange way, though. They had both managed to be civil around each other, had kept sassy remarks to the minimum, and both of them were trying. His heart still stung over Alec's awful comment but well, he had to admit that Alec didn't know about his mom and truly didn't mean it. That expression was quite common but with Mother's Day gone the month before and not having been able to spend Father's Day with Luke, his emotions had been crazy. Add to that the fact that he'd been struggling with this job which could and should actually be easy for anyone, and he just snapped.

Crying had been easier than just punching Alec on the face and throw his whole life to the trash as he could've lost his job and be charged with assault.

He was explaining that to Catarina as they sat in the hospital's staff room. He liked how they had bunk beds and a couch for them to sleep when needed. He and Cat were sitting down on the bottom bed and close to each other, their shoulders touching.

Magnus had called her as soon as he was off work and asked her if he could come and see her and was now paying careful attention to her while she had another bite of her beef shawarma. Magnus nudged her, urging her to share whatever was in her mind. She looked at him and smiled, giving him a slight push with her shoulder.

“I'm glad you've chosen not to give up on him, you know?” Catarina told him while sipping her soda. “And I'm so happy you came tonight! I was starving!”

“Cat! I'm being serious here!” He chided her but still gave her the biggest smile he had to offer.

“I know, Mag, but look, we've talked about this. I still think Alec is like a hurt puppy. You try to touch him, and he barks and tries to bite, the difference is that when he bit you he noticed and felt sorry and he apologized. You, my friend… I get you're mad and sad, but I'm telling you again and will tell you until you get sick of hearing it, you have to be the bigger person. I know we weren't expecting this when you applied for the job, but look, a month has passed and you've learned so much! I'm so proud of you and everything you've done!”

Catarina turned to look at him and then she rested her head on his shoulder.

“You're a good man, the best I know, and don't tell Ragnor and Raphael that I said this, but you're the best of us. You're always there to help us out, to hold our hands when we've lost our way and you're home to us. Or at least to me. I know you and I love you and I know you can help Alec. So, don't give up on him. And well, he offered a fresh start, so, keep on that track. Even if he gets sidetracked, be the beacon to help him come back home.”

“You give me too much credit, Cat,” he said as he exhaled and passed his arm around her shoulder, “but I love you more for just that.” Magnus kissed the top of her head.

“Hey! You'd better. Plus, where did you get this shawarma? It's delicious!” She said excitedly.

“I decided not to get you McDonald's tonight, I mean, I'm not in the mood to be attacked by those uniforms of Hell.”

They laughed at once and Catarina swatted his arm. Magnus looked at her and remembered how he'd told Alec about her. This was a lifeline of his, a friend he could count as a family. She was right, she always was, which was the reason for him to come to her every time he thought he was losing his mind. Alec, well, Alec was trying, that day had proved it. However, Catarina's words moved him. He'd been trying to. Looking after Alec hadn't been a problem. Not at all. He'd waited for him to snap at him, though. He still believed that he'd say something hurtful at any time and he wasn't sure he'd react well.

What was he going to do if it ever happened? Well, Catarina was counting on him to do the right thing and he was going to try at least. He was lost in his thoughts, smiling and reacting to Catarina as she was telling him about this patient of hers who refused to let her take care of him because how could a woman as noble as she take care of someone like him?! He was smiling when his phone rang.

“It's Ragnor,” he whispered to Cat as he answered the phone, “Good evening ladies and gentleman, you've reached the phone number of Magnus Bane, artist unique and friend incomparable, how may I help you this beautiful evening?”

“You are out of your goddamn mind, Magnus!” Ragnor said on the other side of the line as Magnus and Catarina bursted into loud laughter.

“You're on speaker, Rag! I'm here with Catarina!”

“Oh, good gracious, that's perfect! So...remember Elizabeth Sullivan? From Oxfordshire? The old friend of mine who owned the gallery in London?”

Magnus and Catarina rolled their eyes and tried to suppress their laughter, imagining Ragnor on the other side moving his hands obnoxiously as he spoke.

“Of course, Ragnor, how could we forget her!” Magnus shrugged and Catarina gave him a frown and more laughs.

“Well, her protégée is having an exhibition in a gallery in West Village tomorrow night and I'd like you both to come with Raph and me. What do you say?”

“Sorry, Rag, I won't be able to make it, but I'm sure Magnus can invite this new friend of his, what's her name? Dolores?” Catarina said and drank the last of her soda.

“Dorothea and sure, I can ask her if she wants to come with me,” Magnus answered as he finished his own drink.

“You'll come then?!” Ragnor almost cried out of excitement and Magnus rolled his eyes.

“Of course I am! I'm in dire need of some art and entertainment, so, text me the info and I'll see you both there.”

“Great! Love you guys! Bye!” Catarina and Magnus told him they loved him back before the line went dead.

“So, Dorothea?” She told him and stood up, stretching and checking the time.

“Just a friend, Cat,” he answered and she shrugged playfully.

“A friend _friend_ of more than that?”

Magnus lowered his head and took a look at his nails. He needed to take care of them later that night if he wanted to be ready for the next day.

“Just a friend. I have to be honest, she's funny and nice and a really good woman, but that's it for me,” he confessed and leaned his head against the wall behind him. That was the first time he'd said that aloud. He liked her, but not liked her liked her. He wanted to see if maybe after going out one more time he could feel the spark, he was desperate for that. For touching someone's hand and feeling like he was holding the entire world in it.

“Magnus, you okay?” She asked with a worried tone.

“He held my hand as we took that walk,” he told her in a whisper, without looking at her. Magnus closed his eyes and exhaled. He hadn't given her many details, he'd just told her they'd gone out for a walk and how Alec had ended up with a bad migraine and he'd been there to help him out.

“Who held your hand, Mag?” She cupped his face, making him look at her.

“Alec. There was a moment when he made me stop and all I could feel was his hand going all the way down from my arm to my hand as I was guiding him and he held it until we came back home. He was sweating so bad and was almost shaking. How couldn't I know?” He frowned, turning his whole body towards her looking for some sort of certainty. “If he's the blind one, how come I couldn't see it?”

“Sometimes, we don't see what's right in front of our eyes. So, keep them open and let life surprise you, my friend,” Cat told him and he smiled faintly, nodding against her hand. “Now, what are you going to wear tomorrow?”

***

 

 

Jace had stayed until morning. Alec was happy as he said goodbye to his brother at the front door; not because Jace was leaving but because they had spent some time together.

They'd talked about many things. Jace had told him about his trip to California, the new business he'd signed and the people they were going to start working with. Alec had loved that conversation because it was a change. He felt back in a world that he felt wasn't welcoming anymore and he could have a taste of the normalcy of his family.

Jace had asked about how everything was going with Magnus and Alec had simply told him they'd come to a compromise and they were trying to be as professional as possible.

“I'm glad you're doing it, you need the company if not the friendship, Alec,” Jace had told him and he knew he'd left a longing in the air. They missed each other, Alec missed Jace a bit too much, all the time, but how could he let him back in his life as if nothing had happened?

It wasn't as if they weren't there for each other, well, more like Jace was always there for him, always trying to go the extra mile to come and see him every weekend regardless of dating or commitments, Jace always came to him, for a few hours, to spend the night, time wasn't important. He, on the other hand, well, that was a different story.

Alec had closed off to his family mostly. Friends and past relationships had become that, a thing of the past. He'd become a recluse in his own house. Maryse and Jace had made sure the other architect had restored the brownstone to a new kind of glory even when he would never see it, and then, once he'd moved in, he'd made it his haven and hadn't left it unless it was to a doctor's appointment or when his mother made him go somewhere.

Even Maryse had stopped trying to make him do anything anymore.

He hadn't been in much need of a doctor and his checkups were now so regular, he had to take them once every six to twelve months.

And Jace, well, he was his brother, closer than anyone in the world. They'd grown up together, had been accomplices in everything. Alec had come out to him first just to be hugged and loved even more than before. Jace was and would always be his other half in everything but romantically. He had a big part of his soul.

He just needed to learn how to embrace their brotherhood again and stop pushing him away.

Alec simply couldn't.

Jace had asked him to come with him to the Hamptons and be with the family for the Fourth of July celebration. For a second during that conversation, Alec had wanted to say yes. The whole situation with Magnus had opened a can of worms he still didn't know how to face. Magnus had shown him that his words could actually hurt others. They had shown him that he had actually meant to hurt others, or else, why say them at all?

Alec couldn't help but wonder about his family. Maryse had run to his side the minute he'd called her all upset and anxious. His mother had literally left everything for him one more time. She kept doing that whenever he came crying to her. When was he going to man up and realize he truly didn't need anyone?

Perhaps never, because his words to Magnus and their effect had shown him he was wrong. He'd needed his mom, even if it'd been to just talking to her, and listen to her voice reassuring him he wasn't such an awful person. He hadn't been able to call Jace. He knew his brother would leave everything as well and come running to him, no questions asked. And Izzy? How could he call her when she was doing her own thing and had a significant other in her life.

He couldn't do that. He couldn't interfere with their lives anymore than he already had.

Now, whatever he thought of, his mind went to Magnus. It wasn't fair and it wasn't that bad, he thought. Still, why Magnus? Well, the man had disrupted his life in more ways than he could have imagined. The past month had been like the worst rollercoaster ride someone had to endure. First, it had been his presence around the house. Then, it had been how he continued having a normal life in which he, Alec, in spite of being under his care, wasn't the priority, and how would he be when Alec kept telling Magnus he didn't need him. Then, it had been a matter of both of them just going around each other in the house and share the space. Magnus had tried, every day in different ways, to be there for him even when he didn't want him to.

That was until the day he'd made that awful comment about his mother and he'd heard him cry locked up in the bathroom downstairs. Magnus' sobs, his reaction to Alec's words had moved him to the core, to the extent that he'd gone back to Maryse for her shoulder to lean on and cry.

They were having a fresh start.

And Alec still couldn't do that with his family.

So, when Jace was at the door, asking him for the hundredth time to go with him and spend the weekend together with the rest of their family, he'd said no. That weekend was like any other, there was no need for that to change. He still wasn't ready to have his own fresh start with them.

Alec had hugged Jace tighter than ever that day and had told him he loved him. It had been a while since he'd told him that despite the fact that the two of them had spent time together a few weeks ago. He'd wished Jace a good time and had heard him go.

Now, in the silence of his house, he realized he'd gotten so used to being alone that he liked that a little too much. He wasn't ready to give that up just yet. However, he'd also realized he needed those closer to him, his family at least. He just needed to find a way of doing something about it, if ever.

Magnus, well, he was just doing his job, there was nothing else to it. He was an artist for what he'd mentioned and the talks he'd heard. He had a keen mind and he could say he was a good person from the way he'd seen him interact with his mom and even Greta.

Alec turned on the TV. He made sure to skip any sports channel airing a basketball game. He settled for an Avengers movie on TNT. He didn't care much about the content, he just wanted to keep his mind away from the weekend, and his family, and mostly, from Magnus.

If only he could.

***

Magnus was waiting in front of the building, watching people entering, then glancingly at the direction where the subway station was. He looked down at his outfit, smoothing the sleeves of his black shirt, arranging the necklaces around his neck, turning the medals showing on its back. His skin-tight dark blue pants fitted him perfectly, his legs tucked into his designer boots. His unbuttoned vest, which he decorated with clasp-pins, sequins, buttons, and chains hung loosely on his upper body.

He touched his spiked-up hair with his palm carefully. It was still in place—bless that new hairspray Cat had given him the other day—, and he was sure that his makeup was also perfect. He didn't hold back when it came to glitter and he knew that he was going to regret it when he removed it later, but now, he looked fabulous.

“Magnus!” He heard someone saying cheerfully.

He looked to the right, seeing Dot coming in quick steps toward him—at least she tried as much as her dress allowed it. She was wearing a beige, flower-patterned dress which stretched to her knees and a pink blazer matching the flowers on the dress; Magnus could tell as much when she came closer to him. She looked gorgeous, her brunette hair hanging loosely on her shoulders, yet her makeup was plain, a little mascara maybe. However, Magnus liked that she hadn't covered her natural beauty by wearing makeup.

“I'm sorry I'm late,” she said as she kissed Magnus on the cheek, making him smile.

“You shouldn't run, darling,” Magnus said and took another look at Dot's outfit, “you look beautiful, Dot,” he said.

“Thank you,” Dot said shyly and took her clutch bag under her armpit, “you look good too, Magnus,” she added, smiling at him with a flush on her cheeks.

“Shall we?” Magnus bent his arm, offering it to her.

“Yes,” she said as she hooked her arm with Magnus' and they started to walk into the building, “thank you for inviting me,” she said as Magnus opened the door for them.

“I hope you enjoy yourself,” he said, watching Dot's sincere smile, “and I'm sorry I just called you last night, I got the invitation in that last minute myself,” he gave her an apologetic look.

“I'm actually glad you thought of me,” she smiled giving him a broad one in return.

They went across the hallway, Magnus' eyes were admiring the place. As they entered the gallery, a waiter offered them some champagne. Magnus took two glasses and gave one to Dot before they hooked their arms again.

“Oh my God, it's a beautiful place,” Dot said, her voice reflecting her feeling. She sounded amazed and Magnus nodded.

She was right, the whole place was beautiful in itself. There were three huge crystal chandeliers hanging from the high ceiling. The place's structure was enchanting, anyone could see the wooden squared timbers coming from the walls on the sides, going across them. First, it didn't seem like there was an order for the timbers positions but Magnus found some and he was wondering if they had had important esthetics rule in the building's structure, or if they were there just to decorate the place. Magnus couldn't tell either way but the whole place was a piece of art in itself and he felt like knew the place already. But it was always like that way, he could become one with art so easily that he could almost feel how the artist gave the finishing strokes and was in the process of completing a piece by only looking at the little details of it.  

Then, his eyes went to the paintings all around the room and he suddenly felt even more excited than before. He couldn't wait to start the tour around the gallery.

He knew that Ragnor and Raphael were probably busy so introducing Dot to his friends could wait—especially to Ragnor since Raphael already knew Dot—. They started to walk to the side of the hall, toward the first painting.

He liked that Dot had her own opinion on the paintings, how she didn't agree with him all the time and they had fun and friendly disagreements here and there along the tour.

They were standing in front of a large abstract painting by an anonymous artist when Magnus looked sideways and spotted a long, dark-haired woman with a man on her side. His eyes went back to the painting but then he realized who the woman not that far from them was. He looked back at them to make sure that his eyes weren't tricking him.

No, they weren't. Isabelle Lightwood was standing there in a stunning black dress, her hair perfectly brushed. She was smiling and then laughing widely as the man next to her, whose hand was resting on her lower back, leaned to her ear and whispered something. After she calmed down, they turned and that was the moment when Isabelle's and Magnus' eyes met. Magnus returned the smile she showed him as she started to walk faster straight to Magnus and Dot's direction.

“Who are they?” Magnus heard Dot asking him but Magnus didn't answer.

The man next to Izzy was tall and wore an elegant suit, and had his glasses on his head, and as he was walking, it seemed like he was bouncing on his feet.

“Magnus, what a pleasure to meet you here,” she said as soon as they arrived next to them.

“Isabelle, lovely to see you,” Magnus said and turned to Dot who was smiling sincerely at the woman and the man in front of them, “this is Dorothea,” Magnus introduced her without giving her any titles—well, not that he knew or had a name for what was between them.

“Isabelle Lightwood,” she stepped a bit closer and offered her hand to Dot, “nice to meet you,” she added.

“Oh, you are… you are Elle's 'How to…' columnist, right?” Dot asked full of surprise.

“In the flesh,” Izzy said proudly, a smile still on her face.

“I love your articles, they are like the Bible for us,” Dot said and all of them started to laugh.

“I guess there isn't a woman in New York who could exist without Izzy's advice,” the man said after they calmed down.

“And I'm happy to see they follow them,” Izzy looked at Dot from head to toe making her blush immediately, and lifted her free hand to hide her pink cheeks after she waved Izzy away, “this is Dr. Simon Lewis, my boyfriend,” she placed her hand on the man's shoulder next to her.

“Just Lewis,” he offered his hand, and Magnus frowned, “I mean just Simon… Simon Lewis,” he clenched his eyes together while he shook his head, making Magnus smile this time, “just call me Simon,” he said eventually.

“I'm Magnus, nice to meet you,” he accepted his hand, shaking it firmly.

“He is Alec's caretaker,” Izzy added.

“Oh,” Simon's eyes widened, “I just met _the_ caretaker,” he started to nod, “I never thought I'd meet you first,” Simon said, making Magnus frown slightly.

“What were the odds?” Izzy asked then she looked around before she continued, “well, they were high enough,” she stated, more to herself than to the others.

“I thought I could've met him this weekend as well,” Simon turned to Izzy. Magnus was confused and it must have shown on his face as he didn't know what they were talking about or what was supposed to happen on the weekend.

“Simon is gonna spend the holiday with us at the family's house at the Hampton's,” Izzy explained.

“And Alec isn't going?” Magnus asked immediately.

“Nope,” Izzy shook his head.

Magnus felt the urge to ask why but somehow, deep inside, he knew the reason and he didn't want to go into an uncomfortable conversation about Alec. Not there in front of Dot. His mind wandered to that fresh start Alec offered him, which most certainly didn't include spending time with his own family. That made him feel disappointed. Somehow he had hoped Alec was going to change toward his family as well. But what was Magnus expecting? It had been only two days ago, maybe Alec wasn't ready, or he had just changed his mind. Or, maybe this thing was a part of a mind game, he still didn't have any idea. And he hated that he spent countless times with making theories, guessing, and not knowing what was the exact situation. Well, the situation was messed up, that was for sure.

Magnus brought his glass to his mouth and drank the champagne in one sip. He didn't want to think about Alec because he was already so confused, by his actions, his words, his whole demeanor which seemed different since that certain conversation they'd had and Magnus wanted to believe in that. He couldn't help it. He truly wanted to believe there was something that could be done for Alec, that a fresh start meant that and it was really silly to think it would be about everyone in Alec's life, right?

The truth was that he didn't know the kind of relationship Alec had with the rest of his family. He'd seen him around Jace and Izzy once and with Maryse, and there had been so much love and care in those moments; there had been some banter too, but which family didn't have it? He was hoping things were different, wistful thinking he thought.

However, right at that moment, he just wanted to enjoy Dot's company and the art that surrounded them.

“Well, not much to do then,” he said as Izzy shook her head and sighed sadly. “It was lovely to see you, Isabelle,” Magnus smiled at her, “Simon,” he nodded and offered Dot his arm, “I guess we can continue our tour.”

“Have a nice evening,” Simon and Izzy said at the same time.

“It was nice to meet you,” Dot said quickly before she turned with Magnus, leaving them behind.

“I can't believe I met Izzy Lightwood,” Dot said cheerfully.

“Yeah,” Magnus breathed as they stood in front of the next painting in the wall. He was looking at the picture without really seeing it.

“And she is dating Dr. Lewis,” Dot said next to him.

“You know him?” Magnus mumbled, not really paying attention but just keeping the conversation going.

“He is popular in New York,” Dot answered.

“I've never heard his name,” Magnus stated.

“Well, yeah, that's not a surprise,” she said under her nose and Magnus looked at her, frowning but she waved him away and laughed, clearly she didn't want to talk about it. She hooked her arm with Magnus' and pulled him toward the next painting.

Eventually, they met Ragnor who shouted across the room for Raphael to come and say hi to them. Magnus shook his head. This was Ragnor in his super excited mood when he was right in his element; art, a conversation where he could show off his knowledge of it, and of course, his friends.

“You must be one Miss Dorothea,” Ragnor said charmingly, his foreign accent making Dot blush as he spoke and he earned himself a smug smirk by Raphael. He shook his head in mockery, and raised his glass at Raphael, shaking his index finger from side to side as he walked to the side to speak with him leaving Dot with Ragnor who was speaking non stop.

“Not what you think, Raphael,” he started and Raphael lifted his hands, showing him his palms.

“I ain't saying anything, Magnus,” he responded, and they both turned to look at the others. Ragnor was speaking with his hands for all he knew, and the way Dot was laughing made him think his friend was a better companion for Dot right then as his mind had definitely wandered to a certain brownstone on Remsen street and the man who'd chosen to isolate himself from the world by locking himself up there.

He hadn't known how separated Alec was from his own family until then. He knew there were issues between them. The way Alec had spoken to Maryse when they'd first come to him and he'd met Alec had told him that much. He'd focused on Alec's blindness to the point that he hadn't wanted to look for anything related to the Lightwoods or the accident out of respect. He'd wanted to respect their privacy. Maryse and Robert had been cryptic enough during his job interview and Alec, well, he barely ever said a word about anything anyway.

It had taken them a few unnecessary ill words and Magnus being affected by them to get Alec to turn the tables on his own, and Magnus could tell he was trying. Alec's demeanor the day before had given away that much. Alec had taken his advice and had rested, and he knew there was more Alec had meant to do, perhaps exercising or reading as that was about all he'd ever seen him do, but still. He'd put up with him giving him his medication and putting his drops in his eyes.

Magnus took a look at his hands. He'd even touched Alec, on his face and head, and the man hadn't complained about it.

He felt he needed to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Alec had told him he wasn't going to do anything on the weekend and seemed surprised when Magnus mentioned the Fourth of July. He surely must've known the date, right?

No, he hadn't. However, he had known about the Hamptons for sure, he'd avoided Magnus after he asked about the weekend. His silence had spoken volumes and again, he hadn't noticed.

Why would he anyway?

He was being selfish, thinking only about himself and how Alec had hurt him, but the truth was that Catarina had been right. Alec was like a hurt puppy. Apart from Maryse in his house the night he'd left Alec's house abruptly after their fight, Magnus had only heard Jace call Magnus the day before. It wasn't as if the man spoke to anyone on a regular basis.

Raphael had continued rambling by his side and he hadn't paid attention to a word he'd said. He just nodded and drank his champagne as Raphael showed him some more paintings.

Before he knew it, the night had gone in a blur and had passed by without him noticing. Alec had been in his mind since his talk with Izzy and there was something about it that wouldn't give him a break. He'd met her and her boyfriend a few more times and they'd laughed at it, had lifted their glasses, everything kind of on a playful note, which he was grateful for. He really liked Isabelle and her boyfriend seemed very into her, which made him smile.

Dot had spent an awesome time, she'd told him that much and he'd just smiled at her. They took a cab and he took her home, but he knew that was going to be the last time he went out with her. She was a good woman but there was definitely nothing on his part for her. As soon as he'd left her with Ragnor, he'd pretty much forgotten she was around and he felt bad.

When he walked her to her door, Dot gave him a shy smile and when they were going to kiss each other goodbye, Magnus knew he shouldn't put her through this. Making her think there could be anything between them eventually. He knew better than that. Luke had taught him better.

“I had a good time, Magnus, I...I don't know if you've noticed but I'm glad Raphael introduced us,” she said and Magnus smiled. She was a good friend. He wanted to keep that.

“I had a good time too, Dot,” he answered and saw her fidgeting, gripping her clutch harder.

The cab driver honked and Magnus asked him to wait for a little longer. He'd pay him the ride alright, he shouldn't complain.

“I was wondering if...well...you know...if you'd like to do this more often…”

At her words, Magnus understood what she wanted and knew he just couldn't. He sighed and took her hands in his and looked her in the eye. She seemed so hopeful and had so much more to give but he wasn't the one.

“I really like you Dot, but I have so much on my plate right now that I don't think I can do it. You're amazing and I'm sure anyone would be happy to be with you, I'm sorry I can't give you what you need,” he said with honesty and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek when the driver honked again. “I'm sorry.”

“It's okay, Magnus. You're a good man and I thank you for this,” she kissed him too and went to her front door, “have a good night.”

“You too, Dot,” he said before going to the cab and giving him his address to take him home.

He couldn't keep Alec off his thoughts all night.

No one deserved to be so far away from his family. Not even one Alec Lightwood.

***

 

He'd been very aware of the day and the time since Jace had left and now, his phone started to ring as Alec was in the middle of his workout session in the middle of the morning and he knew who it was without a doubt. VoiceOver had been already working, so it wasn't a surprise to hear who was calling.

**< Izzy>**

He knew he had to pick it up because when Izzy called, he knew she wasn't going to give up until she got what she wanted.

“Hey, big bro, did I wake you?” she asked and he left the weights on the floor in front of him, reaching for his bottle of water.

“Yes,” he answered while trying to control his breathing.

“I didn't,” she said, a slight hint of mockery in her voice and Alec could imagine her smiling broadly.

“Why did you ask then?” he retorted as he drank from the

“I don't know, anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you can still change your mind and leave the City for the weekend. The others are already on their way, but Simon and I are just about to leave so we can still pick you up so you can come with us,” Izzy said, letting her words settle in, but Alec knew better than to let it happen.

“I've told you I'm not coming, I'm good—” he began answering just to be cut off by her.

“Good at being in your brownstone bubble, blah blah, I get it, and I knew you won't join us… I don't understand why Magnus even wondered,” Izzy let the sentence trail off and Alec stopped himself as he was reaching for the weights again.

“What? Come again? What does Magnus have to do with this?” He asked, his voice a bit higher than before and he noticed the change in Izzy's voice.

“Oh, I'm working on my new article, you know? The one for the special edition of Elle's and I had an interview with someone who gave me two invitations to that gallery in the West Village, so, Simon and I had a date night and we met Magnus and his date there,” she responded and Alec frowned.

“And?”  

“And what?” Why was Izzy doing that? He needed to know what had happened, in detail would be more preferable.

“You said he wondered, what was he wondering?”

“Oh, yeah, it's just that I told him Simon's gonna meet the family today, and he wondered why you won't join us,” she answered leaving Alec still not satisfied.

“There's nothing to wonder about. Who was with him, again?”

“A woman, Dorothea, I think that's her name, I think she must have been his date. Well, she looked like she was his date. Why?”

“Nothing,” Alec lied. There was something about the whole night out thing that Alec couldn't pinpoint. Dorothea? That wasn't the name for someone Magnus would date. Or so he just decided. Magnus was a man who had studied and still was at his age. Not that he was old or anything, but most people stopped after their late twenties. He was finishing a masters and was thinking about something else, he didn't really remember whether it was a second master or a Ph.D. He'd have to ask him eventually.

And a woman? He knew that Magnus was bisexual, it had been the selling card to his mom, the fact that they had something in common, and that he, Alec, wouldn't be in danger again by having a homophobic person around him. Also, Magnus' behavior hadn't changed in the days he'd been there.

Then again, what did he know? Magnus and he barely ever talked about things and if anything, they'd just started two days ago and all because Alec had been an asshole to him. They weren't friends, much less confidants for Alec to presume he knew better. The only other person Magnus had ever mentioned was his friend, Catarina. And for all accounts, she sounded to Magnus like Izzy was to him; a sister. Maybe that woman was simply another friend of Magnus'. A partner in crime like Alec had had once… He shook his head, trailing off.

Somehow, Alec became curious, way too curious. And it was frustrating because it seemed as if Izzy already knew Magnus more than he did even though he was the one spending every day with him. And Izzy had met with him like twice, right? It was nonsense… Alec never behaved like that with an employee, damn it. He knew Greta loved crocheting, Hodge was a huge MJ fan and Raj… well, Raj's dream had always been to become a Formula 1 pilot. All of that was before _everything_ . Alec was mad at himself. _That_ Alec, the one who cared and talked to people around him, was in the past. He just couldn't trust people anymore—sue him, life had put some people in his life without whom the world would be a better place—so, he just couldn't be the person he used to be.

“Alec? What aren't you telling me?” Izzy prodded and Alec could hear a male voice in the background calling for her. That must've been that famous doctor boyfriend of hers. He definitely had to make an effort to meet him.

“Nothing, Izzy. Give everyone my love. I'll see you guys when you get back.”

“You shouldn't be alone there. If it weren't because I want Simon to meet mom and dad, I'd camp in your house the entire weekend. You know how much I love it,” she said, an admonishment in her voice coated with love that warmed Alec's heart.

“Let's do it when you're back. I'll even let you and your boyfriend camp here with me,” he answered, completely honest. Although the second she did that, he'd make sure to call Jace so that they could tease Izzy to no end.

“I love you, big brother. Be a good boy, eat well, and take care of yourself. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

“Love you too, Izzy. Have a good time and good luck with Simon and mom and dad.”

Once he hung up, Alec couldn't shake off the thought of Magnus and a date out in the city. He didn't know why, really.

Again, he thought, they weren't friends and whoever Magnus decided to date wasn't his problem.

Alec continued his workout. In the past, the Fourth of July weekend meant festivities and family. In his mind, he couldn't separate them. He was just determined to spend that time by himself. He'd been reading this book about spies he was very into and well, he might use that time to just read and find out how the main character was going to get in trouble this time.

He shrugged off any thoughts of Magnus. They were taking small steps into getting along and Alec knew that once the two months happened, he was going to quit and then, they wouldn't have to see each other again. Magnus was just keeping his side of the bargain and well, Maryse was paying him well enough for him to put up with her blind, recluse son.

He worked out harder after Izzy's phone call and wished she hadn't called at all.

 

***

 

He'd packed light, after all, it was going to be just one night but he was excited. Sleepovers at Luke's meant sports, drinks, and good talk. It wasn't as if were into sports per se but he used to play back in school and it had been one of the many things that had gotten him and Luke to bond over. He loved his dad, even if they weren't blood-related; Luke had taught him what he needed to survive in a world that wasn't exactly kind to people like him.

He definitely belonged to too many minorities and was proud of each one of them. A big life lesson from Luke.

When they'd met, Magnus was in a foster home with the Richardson's. They were an okay family with a dad with a temper. How they managed to go under the radar and keep their job as a foster family was beyond him. He'd seen Malcolm, the dad, beat up his wife and kids whenever they didn't do what he wanted them to and he and the other kids under their care had learned early on not to get on the way.

It had been cute Lisa Morris who lived next door and had given them away. That complaint had been the reason Luke came over to the house. Magnus, at age twelve, was already pretty tall and stood above the others. They'd never touched him, he was the silent type, just learning about the world and discovering himself. He was also charming and could talk his way out of anything.

By the end of that summer, Magnus had already moved in with Luke after being in a couple of other foster homes and Luke had come to spend time with him whenever he could. The man had changed his life and had opened his home just for him. Luke had treated him like a proper child after losing his mom and had insisted he'd be safe, making him go to the gym and train Krav Maga. Luke had taught him right from wrong and had been his go-to person for everything. He'd cried in his arms when the world had been too much, when his heart had been broken, when he missed his mom. He was his dad in every way. And boy, did he love Luke.

Magnus left his house early. He went to High Street Bridge Station, the one nearest for him and got ready for the thirty plus long journey. He had his AirPods on and his music playing in shuffle. He smiled at people around him, waited on the tourniquet for some people to pass first—there was a lady who had a hard time and took like forever to pass—he was just enjoying his time. It'd been a while since he'd seen Luke and the Frays and he was excited about it.

He went about his own thing, reading a book recommended by Dr. Gray and not art related and watching people come and go. It was over a half hour when he made it to the Broadway Junction and about another ten minutes until he made it to Cypress Hill station. He just needed to walk for a few blocks and he'd be home.

Magnus had always liked Cypress Hill. He knew the area was so close to Queens that many people claimed it was a part of it. Regardless, this was the place where he'd grown up. The street where Luke had tried—quite unsuccessfully—to teach him how to ride a bike and where he'd shared with the people who ended up shaping his life. The place had such varied inhabitants and it was so rich in culture. He smiled as he saw his father's house and crossed the street. The ever-present American flag was moved by the soft breeze and he noticed as he climbed the steps to the house that he'd finally changed the old, stained one.

He took his keys from his backpack and opened the door, walking in and leaving his things in one of the armchairs in the living room. He was pretty sure Luke was in the back, decorating the yard or something. The Fourth of July was this big event in the Garroway/Bane household and Magnus smiled at the idea.

Just as he was walking to the backyard, Luke came through the door and into the kitchen. The instant he saw Magnus, he smiled broadly, reflecting the smile plastered on Magnus' face.

Luke opened his arms and caught Magnus in a bone-crushing bear hug which Magnus received and gave back wholeheartedly. Luke smelled of Old Spice and the familiar smell made Magnus close his eyes as he buried his head on his dad's shoulder in spite of his height and age. This was good, he thought. To be surrounded by his family. That love was all he needed.

Right then, that was home. It wasn't the walls or the furniture. It was a man who had changed his whole life for the love of a child he'd taken in as his own. This was his dad. The one who knew him better than anyone.

“How are you, son?” Luke said grabbing him by the shoulders and watch him from head to toe and back. Magnus nodded at the inspection as he was checking on Luke as well. He seemed happy, there was something about him that gave him away. He'd tease him later.

“I'm good, Luke. Just...the usual, you know,” he let the words hang in the air as Luke went to the fridge and grabbed a beer to offer him.

“How's the job?” Luke asked, taking the cap off the bottle and giving it to Magnus. He looked at it and shrugged it off. He'd make sure to make his cocktails later on.

“You don't wanna know, trust me,” Magnus answered, taking a big sip of the bitter drink he didn't know he needed until that moment. Luke started opening and closing cabinets and the fridge and before Magnus knew, he was making some mac and cheese and veggies for them to eat. “Are you serious? You? The super officer who can't live off the gym and you're going to make mac and cheese?” Magnus laughed at him and Luke turned to look at him, a wide grin on his face.

“The fridge is full of meat Jocelyn and Clary left marinating. There are wild chicken thighs, and beef and whatnot. There's beer, and that stuff you like to make cocktails and Clary even mentioned margaritas, and well, soft drinks and food. There's like tons of food there. This is just comfort food in preparation for passing out tomorrow,” as he spoke with a proud tone on his voice, Magnus laughed wholeheartedly.

It wasn't hard to imagine Clary and Jocelyn commanding over the kitchen and deciding what to do.

“Did they...you know? The backyard?” Magnus asked as he moved away from the counter and toward the door leading to the yard.

“Are you prepared to be awed?” Luke asked as Magnus opened the door and walked out.

The backyard was completely covered in white, blue, and red. The old table and benches there had a beautiful blue paper tablecloth and the were garlands and lights hanging everywhere. There were some lights and candles in Mason Jars, flags and paper flowers either painted or made in the same colors.

The place looked enchanting and he couldn't wait to call Clary and tell her how beautiful it was. Magnus felt a pang in his chest. He was always so wrapped up in his studies and in Alec lately, that he hadn't been making time for the things that mattered the most to him.

He had to start changing that somehow.

When Magnus came back into the house, Luke was playing music on the local radio station and was serving them the mac and cheese. He'd cooked some sausages as well and was setting them in plates in the center of the table. He'd made a quick salad and was setting a couple of more beers for them.

“It looks amazing, dad,” Magnus said and he noticed how Luke's features softened. He knew he didn't call him 'dad' on a regular basis but when he did, well, big, tough Luke Garroway became a mush.

Luke nodded and Magnus smiled brightly as he took his place at the kitchen table. They heard some noise coming from the living room and the next thing he knew, Dorky, Luke's four-legged partner came running to him, almost jumping on Magnus' legs. Jocelyn walked in right after him, another bag with groceries in her hand.

“Dorky!” Magnus screamed happy at seeing them both and stood up, coming to Jocelyn who received him, arms wide open for an equally warm bear hug.

“His name is not Dorky,” she admonished him in a playful tone as Luke took the bag from her and set it on the counter.

“I know! Captain Dorky would never let me live without calling him properly, right buddy?” Magnus answered scratching him behind the ears and under the snout. The dog answered by wagging his tail in happiness. “Where's Clary?”

“On the phone with Simon. Remember him? Kind of nerdy friend of Clary's for years? Well, they met again a few weeks ago and he's like this big OBGYN now, so yeah, they're kinda rekindling their friendship.”

The conversation was so casual that Magnus felt good immediately. This was his family, Luke and his silent love for Jocelyn and Clary the redhead bubble of artsy joy that was coming in and was jumping on him in between screams of shrieks of joy.

“Biscuit!” He cried as he hugged her tight, her hair smelling of the familiar strawberry shampoo she still favored.

“Magnus!” She said and they hugged for what seemed like an endless amount of time. “I'm so glad you're here!!”

“I promised Luke I was going to and here I am!” Magnus opened his arms showing the place around and smiled broadly.

They sat chatting happily and sharing the meal. Magnus had definitely needed this to recharge. To be with his family, with the people who'd chosen him above all else. With the women who'd taken him in as much as Luke had. Jocelyn had given him so much love for years that whenever he thought of his mother, her face was also there. And Clary, the tiny woman was strong and clever beyond her years. He remembered how she followed him around whenever he was following Jocelyn himself to use her paintings or carbons when he was curious about art and how to truly express himself through it.

Manus felt some tears prickling at the corner of his eyes and just took some more food in his mouth, lowering his head just enough so that they wouldn't see him.

This, they together, was good. It was just what he needed.

After they'd put some more decorations around the house, ranging from an American flag painted by Clary to tin cans with holes and candles inside to shed light around the porch, Magnus went to his room. The place hadn't changed much in terms of the bed. He just didn't have any posters on the walls or clothes. He just kept some there and a sketchbook in case he ever forgot his, which never really happened, and some toiletries. Still, walking in now after so many years living on his own, was as exciting as it had been the first time.

He left his backpack on his old desk and saw the pictures that were still hanging on the wall. The day Magnus had arrived at the house for good, he had the adoption papers on his hand and Luke was wearing his NYPD black uniform, a proud smile on his face. Prom pictures, picnics with Jocelyn and Clary. His graduation. An old picture of his mom.

Being there was taking away every thought of Alec and his isolation.

Well, it did.

Alec and he had had a rough start. He'd taken a job he needed and wasn't entirely qualified to do and the other, well, he'd had his own share of bad experiences which had driven away from the world. Catarina called him a hurt puppy. He was starting to see why.

“Everything is as you've left it every time you come here,” Luke said from the door. Magnus turned to look at him, a tired smile on his face. He got his phone charger out and set it on the nightstand.

“I come every so often, Luke,” he said and jumped on the bed, bouncing on the mattress, and looking at him.

“I know...and…” Luke trailed off as he sat at the end of the bed and Magnus moved to the side to let him, “I like it better when you call me 'dad', you know?” He said, looking at Magnus in the eye. He straightened himself in bed and crossed his legs, facing Luke.

He nodded, feeling silly. It'd been almost twenty years since they'd met, he was already in his thirties, and it still felt as if he were a child when he was in front of Luke. He patted him on the leg and knew the innuendo. Luke missed him too. And apparently, Dorky did two because the next thing he knew, the German Shepherd was climbing in bed next to them.

“Are you sure he's a trained dog in the force? I mean, he seems pretty domesticated,” Magnus teased and Dorky lifted his ears at him and then rested his head on his thigh. “I miss you too, Dorky.”

“You should come more often, and watch your mouth, I don't think K9 here appreciates the joke,” Luke admonished in in a mocking tone.

“Explain something to me, how is it that he holds a higher rank that you?” Luke grabbed a pillow and threw it at him and they both laughed.

“Sarge here is a good dog, and you know it, you've known it since he liked you the instant he met you, remember that?” Luke said signaling at him.

“I prefer 'Dorky' and I know what you're going to say but he loves me. It's a love you can't meddle with, dad,” Magnus said every word with an intention as he knew he was getting a reaction from Luke, “speaking of which, how are things with Jocelyn?” Magnus saw Luke's smile grow wider and then, they both were silent for a moment.

“Things are...less complicated. Since she found out her ex passed away she's more willing to have something, we're still working things out,” he ended, a hopeful tone in her voice. Magnus was glad for him but still couldn't understand it.

“You should just get it over with, run to the City Hall, get married and go on a honeymoon to have all the mind-blowing sex you haven't had in years and give Clary and me some peace!” Magnus mocked him and Luke opened his eyes wide, hitting him with the pillow again. They laughed until it hurt and stopped after a few minutes to catch over their breath.

“You should watch your mouth, boy!” Luke said and Magnus laughed, “Mind-blowing sex says the man who's one step away from going back to being a virgin!” Magnus heard him and instead of getting mad just started laughing again. “See? I know I'm right.”

“You know me, dad; I'm a one-soul-at-a-time kind of guy and I just haven't found someone yet,” Magnus lied back down and looked at Luke.

“It's okay. You'll know when he or she comes,” Luke said and stood up. Magnus saw him walk to the door. “Get some rest and I'll see you tomorrow. We have a lot to eat, so you need the downtime. Good night, son.”

Luke patted the door frame and Magnus said a quiet good night to him and got ready for bed, changing his clothes for some shorts and a t-shirt. He let Dorky stay in bed with him and after brushing his teeth and taking off his makeup, he let himself drift into sleep convinced that he wasn't thinking of a younger blind man who was spending the holiday by himself because he didn't know how to be around people anymore.

 

***

 

The summer breeze caressed his face and his arms as he was sitting on the steps in front of the brownstone. How had he ended up there? He had no idea… He just didn't feel like punishing the treadmill and he'd already had a hard workout session in the morning and he knew his muscles needed to rest.

He'd been thinking about why he'd had the feeling of punishing the treadmill again? And the only reason he found was that, he'd heard the NBA news on his iPad while he was having dinner earlier, and he had tried, he really _did_ try to listen to the news but then, at some point, he just couldn't breathe anymore, feeling as if he couldn't remember how to do such a basic thing. His lungs had given up.

Since the accident, there had been things that he'd lost somewhere along the way to recovery. He might have left them on the road as his body hit the asphalt. Things that he used to love, now just made him feel overwhelmed. He—or rather his body—had recovered from the accident but there were still things he didn't like to think about. Or just wouldn't.

Basketball was one of those things. It was a part of Alec's former life which couldn't return to him—or maybe he just wasn't trying hard enough to get it back—, and it was making his life miserable. Why couldn't he breathe?

Alec closed his eyes and shook his head, dismissing the pictures that popped into his mind. He just couldn't use his hands anymore to let go of the feelings that overwhelmed him for he used to let out steam through his hands, by creating spaces, designing sculptures, drawing, letting the pen and ruler go free while he worked on his desk all night if he needed to. He just couldn't do it the same way he did his whole life until the accident.

People were walking by the house and Alec was listening to them as they did. He finally remembered how to breathe properly and air rushed through his lungs—it might have been a good idea to come outside after all—. He could have gone outside to the garden in the backyard but he hadn't been there since God knew when, and he didn't want to risk falling down. He didn't even remember what it looked like anymore. It was a mess of a jungle back at the time when he first saw the house and bought it. He'd never had time to think about a concept for the garden. He had been so excited about designing and remodeling his _own_ brownstone's interior, a place he had always dreamt of living in, that he hadn't really paid attention to the garden. He'd figured he would have time to do so later on. He snorted. He never had a chance to see the results with his own eyes but with his hands alone. And he'd forgotten about the garden altogether. What was the point anyway, right?

After a couple of minutes, which he'd needed to put himself together, he jumped on his feet and headed inside, locking the door and setting his security code.

He laid awake in bed all night, tossing and turning, first on his back, then on his stomach, then on his back again, unable to sleep. He tried listening to some relaxing music to clear his overfilled head— _raindrops on the window_ , _ocean waves hitting rocks_ , which only made him visit the bathroom twice, mind you—. He counted sheep as well. Nothing worked. Nothing was helpful enough for him to fall asleep or to stop his thoughts which always seemed to take him to the same thing… or rather person, Magnus Bane.

He took a deep breath and turned over on his stomach and onto the pillow he never used. He buried his head deep into it and covered it with the pillow he was lying on before by grabbing it with his injured hand.

Damn it, he really needed to sleep.

***

 

“Are you okay, Magnus?” Luke asked in the morning as they were outside in the backyard.

“Everything is fine,” Magnus muttered, not knowing where Luke was going with his question.

“You're a terrible liar,” Luke stood up and sat on the chair next to Magnus, “I can tell you're lost in your thoughts. Is it about your studies, son?”

“I don't know,” Magnus started because he really didn't know what was going on with him, “I mean, everything is fine at NYU, Dr. Gray praises me all the time—”

“That's great,” Luke cut him off, “you are talented, you are brilliant, and I'm not saying this because you're my son and I raised you,” Luke gave him a soft look.

“More like you raised me fifty percent,” Magnus arched a brow in mockery and moved his hand to the sides but Luke waved him off.

“What's going on? Is it work then? A relationship? I heard you telling Clary you're seeing someone,” Magnus turned his head away, looking at Clary and Jocelyn who were playing with Luke's dog at the end of the garden.

He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair—at least he hadn't fixed it that morning—, before rubbing his face with his palms.

“I don't know,” Magnus said and leaned back in the chair, “I… I…,” he started but he really didn't know what was going on, his mind was everywhere and nowhere. And it wasn't like a difficult situation or something, because everything was so simple, yet, Magnus' mind was filled with thoughts of...well...everything, “I can't explain it,” he said eventually, throwing his head back.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Luke asked, leaving his hand on Magnus' shoulder and he nodded. Magnus started looking for the words to explain himself. Perhaps if he did, if he put his thoughts into words, he'd be able to understand whatever was happening to him.

“Remember I told you I'm working with a man with a disability? A blind man?” Luke nodded and Magnus grabbed his drink without letting it go, the cold of the bottle calming him a little, “well, that man, Alec that's his name, is a handful, dad. He's mean and has been a complete ass with me, but, yes, there is a but, I think there's more to him than meets the eye,” Magnus continued and he noticed he had Luke's full attention.

He told Luke about Alec from the moment they'd met, right when he'd gone to his place the first time with Maryse. Magnus told him about Alec's parents, about Robert's strange behavior and Maryse's love and undying support for her son. He explained to him how Alec went around the house, how he'd seen him do his laundry and his dishes and what his newly discovered office looked like. He spoke of what he saw, of the kind of architect Alec must've been back in the day and all the things he'd lost along with his eyesight.

Magnus didn't save anything to himself. He told Luke about Lydia and their conversation the two times they'd talked, about how Izzy, Alec's sister, would ask him how he was doing putting up with her brother. He even mentioned the brother he knew, Jake or Jace and how Alec's demeanor changed when he was with them.

Finally, he told Luke about the incident and the silly comment about his mom and what had happened during that last week. He saw Luke flinch and how he clenched his hands into a fist he brought to his mouth. He recounted their walk, how they'd talked and the idea of a fresh start and how Alec's behavior had changed as he tried.

“Are you trying too?” Luke asked taking Magnus by surprise.

“I think so. Catarina says Alec is like a hurt puppy. I've never heard anyone call him, his mom comes to the house every Monday to bring him food he keeps in the fridge. I think what I made for him a couple of days ago was a rare meal for him. Nobody but his immediate family or his therapist ever comes to see him and this weekend, well, he's all by himself in his house because he didn't want to go away with his family, you know,” Luke nodded, encouraging him to continue. “So, I don't know what could've happened for him to want to be away from the ones who love him. And I can't get that or him off my head. It's like I'm on caretaker mood all the time now and I don't know what to do with that.”

Luke looked at Clary and Jocelyn and lifted his beer at them as they went out to bring some food to some of his neighbors.

“Well, for what you tell me, he can be an asshole, but at the same time...remember Sarge? The first time I got him at the force, he was already a full dog but he'd been hurt. His former handler didn't take good care of him, and he ended up neglected. He didn't trust anyone at first, not even me, and look at us now. He trusts me and I trust him. We're partners for life.”

“I don't want to be partners for life with Alec,” Magnus said as he snorted and Luke gave him a look, “but Dorky trusted me right away, and Alec…”

“Well, I'm not saying you have to be partners for life, but you two can get along. I agree with Cat, I'm telling you, son, that woman is wise beyond her years. It took me time and patience with Sarge. He needed to know I wasn't going to mistreat him. That I wasn't only respecting his rank but him too. That Alec of yours, well, he might need someone to show him he can trust the world again. Nobody should be _that_ isolated from the world. Who would want that?”

“One Alec Lightwood?”

“I don't think even he would like that. Look at what you have around, Magnus. You and I were alone and we found each other and we clicked. If you weren't my son, you'd be my best friend. We just click. There are people who take longer to just do that. Don't give up on him, but hold your ground. A relationship, whatever it is, needs respect, trust, and a pinch of love and none of those things comes out of nowhere. Give him time and give yourself time. You don't need to be friends, but you can be kind to each other.”

Sarge came to them then, and barked at Magnus softly, to come and play with him. Luke was right and he knew it. He was about to say something when Luke stood up and signaled at him, one hand on his hips.

“Plus, the sooner you do, the quicker I can forget about kicking this Alec's ass. Nobody deserves to be treated like he's treated you, and he might just need a lesson,” Luke said in a serious tone, which gained him a few barks from the dog before going to the kitchen to get probably something.

“I'm telling you, Dorky, if he doesn't get laid soon, he'll turn into a complete sap. Next time we'll watch him mope after that Telemundo soap opera he loves so much. And I will blame Jocelyn for it. Come, boy, let's play a little.”

Magnus was playing with Dorky when Jocelyn and Clary came back. Clary came running to him to the end of the backyard and they started throwing balls at the dog so that he could catch them. Clary was laughing widely, happily, and Magnus thought right then that was the way his family should always be.

“So, Biscuit...ya' think we can finally get them together?” Magnus said at a moment when they threw the ball closer to the kitchen, starting both Jocelyn and Luke who were talking by the door.

“I've been telling mom, but I guess they are just too scared to change their status quo,” she answered, shrugging.

“Luke heard us talking about 'my relationship' how's that possible when I'm not in one,” Magnus said in between laughs. He'd been telling Clary about Dot earlier, that was true, but God, would Luke give him a break?

“They're the worst at giving relationship advice. Mom wants me dating Sebastian, the guy from the Verlacs down the road? She's been trying to set me up with him like since last Christmas.”

“The Verlac boy? Tall, cute but totally dull Sebastian?” Magnus squinted his eyes and then shrugged, then moved his shoulders as if he were shivering, “Not even I would do him, I'm telling you that.”

“Magnus!” She chided him, making both of them laugh.

“What?! It's the truth! That guy has been pinning for you for ages. If it didn't work before and it's not going to work now. You deserve blond...just not that kind of blond. Your kind is one more handsome..and smarter...and wealthier kind of blond. To take you over the world and watch you take over it.”

Clary hugged him tight and Magnus, once again, felt that he was in the right place at the right time. Clary had always given the best hugs.

“I love you, you know? And I miss you so much, Magnus,” Clary said softly, still hugging him.

“Me too, Biscuit. I've been busy, this new job...well, it's been a challenge, and the masters and all, it's a lot on my plate right now.”

“I know! Luke has told us about it. He misses you too, you know?”

“I do, which is why we need them to hook up and get them off our backs so that they stop crying on every corner of the house, I'm telling you,” Magnus said, making Clary laughed aloud.

“Clary! Magnus!” Jocelyn called them and waved at them to come closer. She'd been serving some more food in plates and had arranged the table for a proper lunch for them, no more picking on food here and there. The woman had had everything planned, he knew that.

They talked and ate for another hour when Magnus checked the time. It was mid-afternoon already and he thought it was better to head home soon. He still needed to go to take the subway and wanted to be by the bridge in time for the fireworks that night.

As he entered the kitchen and saw all the food left there, he looked for a Tupperware and started filling it up with chicken thighs and stuff. Finger food sounded like a good idea for him to take and well, it was easier to carry with him.

He eventually stopped teasing Luke and was careful enough to keep his comments rated PG to avoid Jocelyn's wrath. Luke did promise to think about it if only to get rid of Magnus and his innuendo, he knew that much.

Saying goodbye was hard that day. Hugging Jocelyn and Clary was good, they were family, they had a part of his heart. Saying goodbye to Luke was harder. He loved this man to pieces, not only because he'd given him a roof over his head or a place to call home. He'd taught him how to be a real man, how to follow his dreams and never give up. Luke himself, with the familiar habits and quirks and that damn Old Spice he never tired of, was home.

He walked the few blocks to the Cypress Hill station and went home. He'd charged his AirPods and was listening to music the whole ride. He decided on the last minute to take a detour and instead of going down to High Street Bridge Station, he got off in Jay Street MetroTech station and changed to the R line, and from there, he went to Court Street Station. It was going to be a few stations away from his loft but he was okay with that.

There was something he felt like he needed to do. Caretaker mode on, it was.

 

***

 

It was half-past seven in the evening and Alec was sitting on the steps in front of the brownstone; it was the third time in the past week and the second, two days in a row. He didn't know why he did it. It wasn't as if he didn't have other—probably better—things to do as there was always something he could do to occupy himself with. But well, he thought, there he was.

Listening to the street's noise was something different. He was sitting on the eleventh step actually—his feet were resting on the ninth, he knew that for a fact—not far from the sidewalk but close enough to the front door which gave him some sense of safety as he could go inside in a split second if he wanted to, while still feeling like he was part of the Brooklyn street life somehow.

This part of Brooklyn wasn't so noisy but people could come and go down to the Brooklyn Heights Promenade at the end of the street, besides, it was the Fourth of July,  which meant people were celebrating. He was wondering how his family was spending the holiday with Izzy's boyfriend; whether they liked him, if it was awkward, if Jace told his stupid jokes and was his usual side, what they were eating, if his mom had baked his favorite cake, did they spend the afternoon on the terrace listening the sea waves, did they go for a swim, it was warm weather so, they probably did. The list went on.

“Come, Bouncer,” Alec heard a man's voice between barks and it just sounded so close. The dog was probably at the bottom of the steps. “Bouncer!” The owner raised his voice. Alec was wondering if the dog had peed on the bush next to the stairway, the one that always blossomed in yellow, that's what he remembered, and his mom said so too whenever it was spring.

The barking started getting lower as they walked away. Alec remembered the day his doctor had asked him if he wanted to have a guide dog. He'd said no immediately. It wasn't that he didn't like animals, because he did. A lot, in fact. He knew what it would have meant for him. A special bond with a pure creature, one willing to protect him as well for the price of its own life. And he didn't want that. He was better closed up in his own house and didn't step out of it until it was actually necessary.

Having a dog meant having a friend as well. Alec had no friends anymore; at least not close to him. Somehow, he felt guilty again and he knew the exact reason why. But he just couldn't do what he had supposed to do. He was rude to other people, people who didn't deserve that. None of them. And knowing his best friend, them being apart wasn't going to last too long; eventually, life was going to catch up with him and it was only the matter of time. Alec knew it, he knew it very well.

People were walking by his house, he heard their steps, their talk, their laughter, their cheerful mood. He was fine with it, he could be a part of the Fourth's celebration somehow.

Further away, he could already hear some fireworks. He knew that even if he could see, he wouldn't have watched them anyway, so it wasn't that bad that he couldn't see anything at all. He rested his elbows on his knees, listening to the noise around; sometimes, he would even follow some human voices, trying to catch whatever they were talking about.

He froze when he heard as someone stopped on the sidewalk, somewhere in front of his steps, and he tried to focus on the closer sounds. Was it another dog who had just peed on the side of the trunk of the tree located five steps ahead and three to the left from the bottom of his front steps?

However, he couldn't hear anything else. The noise surrounding him was loud and he couldn't filter it. He leaned back as soon as he heard footsteps coming up. His heart started to beat faster; he wasn't expecting someone to trespass.

“Are you waiting for someone?” He heard a familiar voice after a couple of seconds and let out a sigh as he loosened his tense shoulders.

“Magnus? What are you doing here?” He asked, following the sound of the man's steps with his eyes.

“I brought you some food,” Magnus answered and Alec heard him as he sat next to him, placing something somewhere on the lower steps between them.

“Food?” Alec asked surprised.

“Yup,” Magnus popped the P at the end, making Alec smile, “some leftovers from the barbeque we had at my father's, grilled chicken thighs, potatoes, salad,” he said and Alec felt the level of drool increasing in his mouth already, “and blue-white-and-red jelly which I don't know what it tastes like,” he said and laughed, then continued, “so, what are you doing outside?” he asked. Alec heard his voice so close he guessed Magnus was probably watching him while he was speaking.

“Just listening to what's going on around,” Alec answered sincerely, looking at Magnus' direction, trying to define his exact position.

“Hum, that's nice,” Magnus said and then remained silent. Alec didn't say a word either.

He was just listening to Magnus, and although he didn't know what he was staring at, he couldn't look away from that spot in his own darkness either. It was like something pulled him closer to that black point. He couldn't hear the street noise anymore, just their breathing, the simple, pure act of inhaling and exhaling at a steady but fast pace. He felt invisible between the rows of houses as if the whole street had gone asleep in a sudden moment and he could literally feel the light from the lamppost on his skin. His senses went numb but, at the same, time they intensified for certain sounds as he kept listening to it.

He felt like the beats of his own heart were picking up the same rhythm of Magnus' breathing and together, they sound dissonant and like a mess. He closed his eyes and attempted to get to know that new sound. He didn't need to focus, it felt like nobody could unring that bell, unsound the alarm leading to his senses. It was whole, new and different, and it swiftly pulled him into a circle which made those sounds to a patterned tune. A tune that broke something in him and he didn't want to control it; the further he went, the harder he tried, the least he could keep his eyes open. His senses took control of his body. He felt lost there and couldn't concentrate.

His hand moved unwittingly, searching for something in the darkness, then finding it soft and somehow invisible with his palm, as his fingertips kept searching for more. He slid them over unknown skin, his fingernails grazing the beads of a bracelet. His fingers tingled as he started to feel a pulse under his fingertips. He felt like the two hands, his and Magnus', were pulled together by gravity, the throbbing guiding his heart. The feeling caved in on him, creating something new he had never experienced.

The melody of dissonance he had been hearing became an echo against his skin. He felt like the world had stopped around him and nothing could bring it back; there was no clockmaker who could fix time around him.

The touch of Magnus' hand felt like touching the most precious of metals, he couldn't wait to work with but didn't dare right away because he wanted to keep it safe. Metals were not without flaws and yet they contained an unremitting energy that Alec couldn't define. As an architect, he had always admired each of the materials he was working with. He'd learned what they were made of, would spend time looking for ways to make the most out of them, and once he was certain, he'd started to work with them into creating something new.

“Alexander,” he heard as Magnus only whispered.

“Did you feel it too?” Alec breathed right after, vividly feeling the subtle touch of Magnus' skin against his. He started to understand it, it was like invisible machinery was making that sound, setting his body in motion purposely. His senses overwhelmed him. It was another kind of overload that had happened to him the other day when he felt like his body was about to give up on him and stop functioning properly.

“What should I have felt?” Magnus whispered but his voice came closer, Alec could feel his warm breath on his face and he didn't know if Magnus had leaned forward just to hear him clearly.

Alec quickly let Magnus' hand go, and slid to the side, further away from Magnus. He rubbed his palms together trying to make the feeling go away.

How could he expect Magnus to feel only a glimpse of what he knew and had to learn the hard way? Why would he understand what it meant to see something through your own hands when your world turned into something else? For Alec, it had all started when his eyes had to get acquainted with the darkness and he'd needed to own it to be able to not lose the _other_ world that was already gone. Everything had been devoid of light for the longest time now. He didn't know any better anymore.

“What is it, Alec?” He heard Magnus voice in a lower tone but closer again. Did Magnus actually slide closer to him?

“It's nothing,” Alec shook his lowered head.

“It didn't seem like nothing,” he said and Alec was sure that Magnus was closer than it was comfortable for him.

“When people lose one of their abilities, others intensify,” Alec explained flatly. He didn't want to say anything else and didn't want to go into an explanation as to what he felt—damn, he would never tell Magnus about it.

“Yeah, I've heard about that,” Magnus said, his tone was normal this time.

“It smells good,” Alec cut him off when he thought he was about to continue after taking a deep breath; he gestured in front of him, toward the food Magnus had brought.

“Wanna try?” Magnus asked cheerfully.

“Yes,” Alec nodded and he felt kind of relieved when he could change the subject. He heard Magnus was busy with the plastic bag and the containers.

“I'm gonna warm it up,” he said and Alec heard him moving, then stopped, “are you… are you coming inside?” Magnus asked.

“Wanna have a picnic here with me? I was planning on listening to the fireworks, anyway,” Alec asked shyly. He really wanted to stay outside a bit longer there, the weather was nice and he felt like his brain also needed the fresh air.

“I'll be back in a minute, then” Magnus answered and Alec heard his steps behind him toward the house. Magnus didn't close the door behind him after walking in.

Alec took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair before burying his head in his palms. The darkness was crashing against him all over again. He was trying to calm down, taking advantage of the time he could spend alone.

Everything was so intense that he felt his mind was spinning only from just the thought of it. He could literally _hear_ Magnus' heartbeats underneath his skin, like drumming, and the melody was undone and he hated its aftermath, that strange feeling that messed Alec's whole body and brain. He had hated his sensitiveness of hearing and touch since the accident—now he hated them more than ever because it was new and he hadn't been prepared to deal with all this. How could he?

Magnus wasn't supposed to be there and yet, he was in Alec's kitchen, warming up the food he had brought for him.

Alec couldn't help but think—at least he tried as much as his brain properly allowed to him to—Magnus was there. He wouldn't be if he hadn't forgiven Alec, right? He was there, but why? Why did he care? Why had he brought him food? Alec didn't want to think way too much into it. Magnus was going to leave as soon as his two-month period would be over.  What was the point, right?

His mom had probably told him to check on him, that could be a good reason that he was there. Magnus came on Friday morning earlier too, and why would someone with a bit of common sense come to a blind man? For the right price, anyone, obviously—Magnus was probably getting paid well for his extra effort. He knew his mom, she had just probably wanted someone to check on him. And how could Alec blame Magnus for fulfilling his duties and not go against Maryse Lightwood's will?

He was blind—in every way—. He shouldn't be thinking about the fact that Magnus could have just shown up on his own volition.

He inhaled the summer air deeply, holding it down in his lungs while he stretched his neck to let out a little tension and then let it out sharply, loosening his shoulders.

Silver linings, he thought. He could still enjoy a summer night.

He tapped on his iWatch to check the time, there was a little over an hour for the fireworks to start.

Somehow, he regretted that he had asked Magnus to stay as he didn't want him to be there because of pity or because his mother had asked and paid him well. Magnus shouldn't be with him during the celebration, he should be with that someone he'd spent the Saturday with and not a miserable, blind man. Maybe his mother should have paid boyfriend-of-the-century and he would have stayed around Alec, fooling him with his _unconditional_ love. Alec snorted, there had been one condition for said award-winning-boyfriend to have stayed, that he be the successful architect Alec Lightwood. Well, that wasn't Alec. At least not anymore.

But now, he just didn't want to carry on with those thoughts, and if he was honest with himself, he could deal with his mom later. He tried to concentrate on the fact that he had company even if it was something sudden and that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy the rest of the night. As long as the guilt that had built up inside when he hurt Magnus faded away in the process, he was going to be fine.

He heard the noise of cutlery and of Magnus' quick steps coming from the house.

“There you go,” Magnus said and Alec heard him sitting next to him.

Alec stretched his hand and he felt as Magnus placed the container on his palm. The smell was so damn delicious Alec needed to swallow immediately.

He placed the container in his injured hand and took a chicken thigh between his fingers, taking a bite, looking at Magnus with a frown when he started to laugh.

“What?” He asked with the heavenly-tasty bite in his mouth.

“There's a fork there, you know?” Magnus said, still laughing.

“I don't need it,” Alec said. He took another bite and placed the food back in the container, bringing his index and thumb to his mouth and sucking the sauce coating the chicken off. Magnus' laugh stopped and Alec turned to him again.

“You are on the street, Alexander, behave,” he said and Alec didn't know what he meant by that but he just wasn't going to stop eating using nothing but his fingers.

“This is so good,” Alec stated when he grabbed more chicken.

“I'm happy you like it,” Magnus said in a low voice.

Magnus was silent next to him. Alec was listening to the sounds of the street while he ate. He felt he was being mean by having initially thought that Magnus had brought him food on his way there and it wasn't just leftovers. He shrugged the thought and took another bite. Whether it was homemade grill or he bought it, it still tasted good and Alec didn't care. It was still better than his premade food in the fridge.

He heard Magnus sigh and move but he said nothing. He was thankful for that, he wasn't in a chatty mood himself—not that he was used to being chatty at all.

When he finished eating, he placed the container next to him and cleaned his fingers by sucking them, just the way he did before, and then he licked the remaining sauce from his lips. He heard Magnus moving, probably standing up next to him.

“Do you wanna eat the jello with your bare hands too?” Magnus asked and Alec couldn't decide if he was being serious or was just mocking him. Alec turned and lifted his head to look at the way where Magnus was supposedly standing, frowning at him, “that'd be something I'd never wanna miss though,” he added and Alec started to laugh, turning his head back, shaking it lightly—okay, Magnus was really something else.

“I think I'm fine, thanks,” Alec said and maybe he heard an 'okay' mumbling just before Magnus went inside the house again.

He took a deep breath and stood up, following Magnus into the brownstone. He heard him busy in the kitchen as he made his way there. He didn't want to bump into him, so he started to speak in the dining room.

“I think I should wash my hand,” he said.

“I think that's a good idea, want me to help?” Magnus asked. Alec heard him moving further away a bit—he was wearing those rubber sole shoes again.

“No need,” Alec said and trailed his hand along the counter as he went to the sink. He opened the faucet with his healthy hand and held it under the water, carefully washing his fingers with his bandaged one. Then he bent forward and washed his mouth, rinsing his hands again before closing the faucet.

“Is your hand okay?” He heard Magnus asking from behind, “does it still hurt?”

“Nope,” Alec answered, drying his hands with the towel, “not at all,” he spoke against the towel when he brought it to his mouth to dry it.

“I'll change the wrap tomorrow anyway,” Magnus said and Alec turned to the fridge without commenting. He was searching for the bottle of wine he knew Jace had left there when he came over. He touched some water bottles before he found the one he was looking for.

He turned around and left it on the kitchen island, then turned back to search for the opener.

“Let me help you,” Magnus said and Alec felt Magnus' hand slightly touching his upper arm when he reached for the drawer's handle.

He wasn't sure if he'd be able to open the wine with his injured hand even though the pain was pretty much gone by then—well, he told himself he could but he didn't want to re-open his wounds. He really wanted to get rid of that bandage sooner rather than later and was hoping that it looked fine if still swollen. It was one of those things he couldn't tell for sure anymore.

“Are you sure drinking alcohol is good for you after that awful migraine the other day?” Magnus asked after a couple of seconds. Alec bit his tongue and he just shrugged.  

He stepped in front of the cupboard where he kept the glasses and opened it.

“Would you like some too?” He asked right after he grabbed two glasses, walking to the island with them in his hand. He didn't bother closing the cupboard door.

“Thanks, but no, I'm good,” Magnus said while he twisted the opener into the cork.

Alec snorted unwittingly, hearing the cork gritting against the glass then a loud pop.

“It's not working time, Magnus,” Alec stated. He wasn't really trying to convince him, he pretty much didn't care. He just felt his mood was getting low again and he knew the exact reason for that.

“Thank you, but I'm okay,” Magnus said and Alec heard him close a cupboard. He probably had just placed one of the glasses back.

“You're no fun, Magnus,” Alec said and searched for the glass and the bottle with his hands on the kitchen island and once he found them, he grabbed the neck of the bottle and the glass, “Your loss, I guess; Jace says it's an expensive one,” he said before turning on his heels and heading outside.

He knew he'd been sort of rude, but he really didn't care.

The emotions that Magnus' closeness were causing in him were a whole new experience and somehow he hated it. He didn't want them.

He liked his life the way it was. By himself, in his own comfort, with no unexpected and overwhelming emotions. Who was this Magnus Bane? What did he want? And most importantly, why?

Alec almost forgot to count the steps to the threshold as he was lost in his head. These already blurry memories had only happened less than an hour ago and they had already lodged themselves there to not give him a break. However, he knew exactly what he had felt then. He took the necessary steps to the make it to where he had been sitting before.

Sometimes, he just wished he could take down the blindfold off and see the world as he used to a few years back. It wouldn't be like that, though. It wouldn't be the same after everything that had happened, and those events were just too much. All of them together brought fear into his life and he just wanted to protect himself. He didn't want to be hurt anymore, hence, he hurt others instead. He snorted at the thought. He had become a terrible person, he knew that already but dealing with one kind of guilt was enough, he didn't need more.

He searched for the edge of the glass with his finger and carefully placed the neck of the wine bottle on it, pouring it in after the sound of glass against glass. He placed the bottle a little further on the lower step, not wanting to break it and causing more damage and mess.

He heard Magnus' step behind him and twirled the wine in the glass, lifting it to his nose, inhaling the scent. _Intellectually satisfying_ , _refined_ , _velvety_ , _buttery_ , all those words he'd heard on a certain weekend at the famous wine country, popped in his mind. Perhaps the winery wasn't as famous as Alec thought because he couldn't remember its name. It had been a few years ago,—when his boyfriend of fail had dragged him there— and he'd been happy and excited because why not? It had been a great reason to drive for God remembered how many miles after a shitty week on a construction site and he'd managed to come out unscathed and with a pretty depleted bank account after the ludicrous enormous amount of money he'd spent there. Alec had agreed and had taken him there because he _loved_ him; at least he thought he did and had wanted to make him happy and money never really counted for him.  

 _Crisp_ , Alec thought when he tasted the wine, rubbing his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Definitely _crisp_ , he mused as he was still feeling the liquid on his taste buds. It was a simple wine which went well with sitting at a porch swing on a hot day—in this case,  with sitting a his home front steps on a nice summer night.

Alec sipped the wine again, hearing Magnus breathing next to him. There were some other noises he couldn't exactly define, but by the sound it, it definitely had to do with the jewelry Magnus usually wore, a necklace or bracelet maybe.

They were sitting in silence. Neither uttered a sound and Alec really didn't even know what he could say. He heard cars, people were passing by the brownstone, some whistles, and cheerful laughter.

Then the fireworks started, it wasn't too loud to surprise him, but loud enough to make Magnus move next to him. Alec turned away, so Magnus couldn't see him smile. He didn't want him to think that he was laughing at him—because he wasn't. Alec really didn't know why was he smiling then. He had always been prepared for sudden loud noises somehow, even before he got blind—it was a part of being in construction sites as well, anyway. He placed his elbows on his knees, leaning his weight on them while he held the glass in both hands, lowering his head between his arms. He closed his eyes tight and clenched his teeth together. He missed it, he fucking missed it. There were so many things he missed, so many things he'd lost from one day to another that he just couldn't be happy about it.

“It sounded like red,” Magnus said between two cracks. Alec turned to him and frowned when he realized what the other man said.

“What?” Alec asked surprised then his voice was followed by another loud crack.

“This was blue,” Magnus stated and Alec couldn't help but laugh aloud.

“How do you know that?” Alec asked between his laughs, “it definitely didn't sound like blue,” he stated confidently, shaking his head. This man next to him never ceased to amaze him.

“I'm an artist, Alexander, you should believe me,” Magnus said right after.

“So that means that you can tell the color of the explosion by its sound?” Alec asked, trying to sound as serious as he could but he most definitely failed.

“Exactly,” Magnus said and another crack could be heard, “white.”

“You should be a pyrotechnician then, not an artist,” Alec said and couldn't hide his smile this time.

“They are artists too,” Magnus' voice was still serious.

“And you're not like cheating? How do I know you're not looking at the sky right now?”

“You don't. You're going to have to trust me, Alexander.”

“You can't be real,” Alec said and shook his head again. This was ridiculous—in a good way. His mom had paid a clown to spend the 4th of July with him, “you can't be real,” Alec repeated under his nose, he didn't know if Magnus heard him or not.

“Hum,” Magnus mumbled, “white again.” Alec turned toward Magnus' voice, listening to him tell the color of the next explosion so Alec could define his exact position, but Magnus remained silent after the next crack and the one after.

“You...” Alec whispered then paused, listening to Magnus' breathing again, “why did you come?” His voice was even lower, closing his eyes at the end of the question. He wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.

“Because I wanted to, Alexander,” Magnus whispered in the same voice.

“But why?” Alec demanded, raising his voice this time in confusion.

“Because I wanted to see you,” he heard Magnus' answer and he had to turn away immediately.

 _See_. That word alone was like a knife in his chest even though it had more meanings. In this case, it meant checking on him.

Alec felt like drowning in lies, with high water around him. He knew it and wanted to find a way out. To be able to swim and reach the surface. But what did it mean to him? Was there a way out of it? He was overthinking, his mind off in overdrive and he couldn't turn it off. Every thought broke him.

He was alive, yes, but still broken, and he lost himself years ago and still wasn't sure he wanted to get back there. There was no cure for him. The only thing that kept him on a normal routine was that he had control of everything around him. However, it now looked like everything was disappearing.

What was Magnus Bane, caretaker extraordinary, doing with him? He, Alec Lightwood, didn't know what to do for the first time in his damned life. What would Alec need to do to get Magnus to go away and leave him alone? Not just that night but for the whole remaining month they still had in Magnus' contract. The two-month term couldn't end soon enough. He just couldn't go back and make the other man's life miserable again. It wouldn't be fair and he had been the one who suggested the fresh start. He could just try to get along with him—they did pretty well on Friday, it wasn't that hard—and it wouldn't last anyway, so…

Silver linings, he thought again. He could make his mother happy. That was quite a plan. He just had to put aside his inner thoughts and overwhelming feelings, he was good at it—well, not lately, but still, he could try—.

He didn't react to Magnus' answer and the other said nothing either, not even the colors of the explosion they were listening to.

Alec sighed and drank his wine in one big sip, before taking the bottle from the step and standing up. He took the two necessary steps and then headed inside the house. He could hear Magnus following him into the kitchen.

“Let me take care of this,” he offered when Alec placed the glass next to the sink, so he left him to do that and went to the fridge with the bottle.

“Magnus,” Alec said but he felt the bottle moving in his hand; Magnus had probably grabbed it.

He closed his eyes and sighed before letting the bottle go.

“Good night,” he managed to say and started to walk toward the parlor, leaving Magnus there.

He didn't know why but there was this weird feeling in his chest, right in his heart on his way out. He stopped somewhere between the dining room and the parlor, lowering his head, hearing Magnus busy in the kitchen.

“Magnus,” he whispered but wasn't sure if the other could hear it. He turned back around, “thank you for showing up,” he said just before turning on his heels and heading to his bedroom. He didn't wait for Magnus' reply and wasn't even sure that he would have gotten one.

Alec came out of the bathroom after he changed his clothes and brushed his teeth and he still could hear Magnus moving around downstairs. He went inside his bedroom, leaving the door wide open behind him.

He sat on the bed and arranged his iPhone and iWatch in order on the nightstand because he had just tossed them there before he'd gone to the bathroom. He pulled the covers aside and laid on the bed, placing his head on the pillow, his body toward the window.

He felt a tear rolling down from the corner of his eye, staying for a couple of seconds on the crook of his nose before making its way down to his other eye. He felt the pillow welcoming getting wet from the tears.

Alec closed his eyes and let himself drift away in sleep.

***

 

What was sleeping when you could create?

Magnus was still saying that to himself a little after four in the morning. He was sitting on the floor with crossed legged in front of a canvas in his studio, AirPods in his ears, listening to his music on shuffle, guiding the brush on the no longer blank surface. He knew he'd been a fool telling himself that he couldn't sleep because he was feeling creative. It was far from the truth.

After he had arrived home and had taken a shower—because he really needed one,  mentally too—he made a lemongrass tea to relax and turn his mind off so he could sleep. He was drinking it on the balcony, leaning his weight on his elbows over the stone ledge. He was taking small sips and was watching the still noisy Brooklyn streets after the celebration.

After getting into bed, he had managed a couple of hours of sleep and then his eyes were wide open, watching the ceiling, his mind spinning. He hadn't even dared to check the time, he'd known it had been too early for start the day. After tossing and turning in bed for a while, he'd decided not to go against his mind so he'd gotten out of bed, had gone into his studio, and had started to spend that time productively at least—the one thing he always did on sleepless nights—, bringing one of his old easels to the middle of the place. That was easel he and Luke had made from some remaining wood after a renovation in the house when he was still a teen. That easel had been made to a kid's size so that he could just sit on the floor with it and have everything he needed around him and paint.

He took a deep breath as he sunk the brush in the paint pot. He had so many emotions whirling inside him and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel about all of it. He couldn't still be hurt and angry… He knew he was over it. It was something else.

He wasn't really inspired; he was just moving the brush on the canvas without resorting to his imagination or to wanting to bring something to life. When you knew what you wanted to paint, when you were inspired, truly inspired, it wasn't that hard. When you knew what to paint, he told himself. There wasn't anything wrong with him per se. The thing was that in his mind, there were just the emotions, thoughts, overwhelming experiences keeping him off. And that was precisely his problem. Whenever he felt like that, he could just go for the abstract, he could close his eyes and envisioned those emotions and thoughts in color and he could find a way to represent them.

It was just not happening.

Resting his wrists on his knees, hands hanging down as he stared at the canvas, he remembered when he'd arrived in front of Alec's house, and how his breath had hitched as he saw the man sitting in front of the building. First, he thought the man was waiting for someone, he had been surprised seeing Alec there as much as the other man had been that he was there.

And Alec had looked at him, the street lights providing enough light for him to be able to see his eyes, clearly enough to get lost in the hazel irises. Alec was staring at him like he could _see_ him like he could read everything Magnus had felt at that moment—his racing heart, his heavy breathing, forced to be as quiet as he could—.

Alec had slid a bit closer after he had closed his eyes and Magnus' heart had stopped for a very long minute, he was sure of that.

Alec had stretched his hand and Magnus had placed his own on Alec's palm without hesitation. Shivers had run down on his spine immediately from the touch and when Alec had slid his fingers over the thin skin underneath his bracelets, he had felt in his whole body, and he had to close his eyes from the intense sensations that simple gesture had given him.

It had felt too intimate for a simple touch between two strangers. It hadn't been like a few days ago when he'd changed Alec's bandages or had held his head steady to put the eye drops in. It had been something else, every nerve ending in Magnus' body had been alight. He only remembered when he breathed out Alec's name unwittingly, bringing himself back to reality and opening his eyes immediately, seeing Alec so close, his eyes shut.

 _Did you feel it too?_ Alec had asked—more like whispered in the air, his voice had been soft, barely loud enough to hear—and Magnus hadn't known what he'd meant then but had been certain that he would have never shared what he had felt himself. His stomach had flipped in excitement, his heart had pounded against his ribcage, he had had problems breathing properly, and his mind had short-circuited. His whole body had been weak and his limbs numb the whole time. Magnus had stared at their hands, Alec had held his loosely.

Alec had pulled away immediately, from one second to the next, and he could see the shock on his face and in his movements. He had no idea what the other man had felt but somehow he had the idea that it had been intense for both of them. Magnus could see that the other man came back to reality before sliding away entirely then his eyes had locked on Alec's chest, right where his heart was beating.

He remembered when he'd gone inside the brownstone's kitchen, how he'd rested his head against the cupboard over the sink, forcing himself to take deep breaths. He had been thankful that he had had an excuse to escape from the overwhelming feelings he had experienced and hadn't been prepared for. How the hell could he have been? He couldn't deal with Alec on a regular basis, much less under those circumstances when only touching had sent lighting from his wrist all over his body.

Suddenly, his nails dug into his skin as his grip grew tighter around the brush. His mind was a mess, his emotions were all over the place. He didn't know for how long he'd been sitting there before placing the brush and AirPods on the floor. He needed air, he needed fresh air.

He crossed the living room in a hurry and opened the wide, glass balcony door. The breeze of the dawn made him shiver as he stepped out. He went to the ledge and placed his hand on top of it, throwing his head back, inhaling the air deeply and exhaling sharply when he looked back at the view of Manhattan in all its glory on the other side of the East River. The sun would rise in less than an hour. He sighed. He hadn't slept enough, he wasn't tired though.

After a couple of minutes and when he calmed himself down he went back to the studio and finished the painting, then put his stuff back on its place.

Since he had enough time for everything, he took a shower and washed his hair. He coated his wet hair with a new hair masque and went to make some coffee for himself, trying to put aside all thoughts of Alec and what had happened the night before. They had had a proper conversation, Magnus had seen him laugh but his mood had changed from one moment to the other and he hadn't been sure about what he was allowed to say aloud or what wouldn't make Alec be bitter and grumpy again.

Alec Lightwood's behavior was something Magnus couldn't read and Catarina's words echoed in his mind as he stood by the window, watching the rising sun. He needed to be careful with his words and he hoped, really hoped, that he didn't hurt Alec when he told him he'd wanted to see him. But that was the truth… the ugly truth. Magnus, couldn't believe either that he had ended up there eventually.

And he didn't regret it, not at all. Seeing Alexander Lightwood laughing was... _something_ ... and knowing that he had made him laugh was something _else_ … Something that he had never imagined he was going to experience in a short period of time. And when it happened it simply took him by surprise.

He rinsed his coffee cup and went to remove the hair masque from his hair and dried it perfectly, using all the supplies he needed to look fabulous—namely styling mousse, sheen spray, shaping wax—. He spent an enormous amazing amount of time in his closet, choosing that day's outfit carefully—a dark blue shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, black skin-tight shorts and his customized Converse—and put his jewelry on his fingers, around his neck and wrist and on his ear.

He was on his way to the brownstone, his favorite pastries in his hand, thinking about where he was going to find Alec in the house that morning. He had left when he was already sleeping. After he had cleaned the kitchen and ordered things, he had gone upstairs to check on him. He had seen Alec sleeping many times already but last night he had noticed something different.

His pillow had been wet under his head, and he wasn't sure whether it was because he had spilled eyes drops on it or he had been crying. The simple thought of the latter broke Magnus' heart. He hated seeing Alec hurt or sad.

He chose a longer route to go to work and tried to call Catarina but it went straight to voicemail. She was probably sleeping, Magnus thought and decided to enjoy his walk on the promenade. That morning, he really needed his best friend's pep talk, though.

Once he made his way to the brownstone, he took a deep breath and climbed the steps, flashbacks of the previous night coming to his mind immediately. He unlocked the door and went inside, pressing his security code without looking at the board in the foyer but inside, toward the parlor. He tilted his head as he tried to listen for any noise, trying to figure out where Alec could be.

As he stepped into the entrance hallway, he noticed Alec was sitting at the kitchen island, a cereal bowl and a mug in front of him. He turned his head to Magnus' direction when he started to walk toward the kitchen.

“Good morning,” Magnus greeted him without taking his eyes off Alec.

“Morning,” Alec said and turned back to his breakfast, dipping his spoon in the bowl. Magnus saw it was Corn Flakes as he reached the kitchen island.

“How did you sleep?” Magnus asked, placing his backpack on the stool, leaving his pastries on the island, waiting for Alec's answer.

“Great,” he said while crunching the food loudly, making Magnus smile, but something was off, he couldn't tell what it could be.

“Good to hear,” Magnus said and went to the coffee machine, “want more coffee?” He asked and looked back over his shoulder to Alec, who shook his head.

He didn't know if Alec's silence was because he was eating or because something was off again. Fresh start, Magnus thought—no one said it was going to be easy though—and he tried not to overreact at the situation.

He was about to grab the cupboard handle when his phone started to ring in his bag. He knew who it was and that he couldn't speak freely about what he wanted to talk to her in front of Alec since he was the main reason he had called Catarina earlier. So he opened the cupboard and took a mug out of it.

“You can answer,” he heard Alec saying behind him.

“It's okay,” Magnus answered as he placed the mug on the counter, “it can wait.”

“What if it's important?” Alec asked and Magnus froze in his motion.

“I'm not expecting any important calls,” Magnus answered, listening to his phone still ringing and Alec's snort behind him.

“What if it's important for the person who's calling you?” Alec kept asking and Magnus felt stupid immediately, “so if I wanted to call you because—”

“You're right, I need to answer,” Magnus cut him off, heading to other side of the island where he left his bag on the stool. He kept telling Alec to never hesitate to call him whenever he needed and now he was refusing a call, so he didn't need to hear Alec continue the train of thought because he knew exactly he was right and Magnus was an idiot.

Fishing his iPhone out of his backpack, he saw Catarina's caller ID and answered.

“My dearest Catarina,” he greeted her.

“Good morning, Magnus,” she said and Magnus heard her yawning at the other side, she had just woken up, Magnus was hundred percent sure, “you left a voicemail,” she added.

“Yeah,” Magnus answered, looking at Alec who continued eating, “Catarina, darling, you can't even imagine what you missed on Saturday!” He said the first thing that came to his mind because he couldn't speak freely right then.

“I'm sorry Magnus, but that day was a hell of a day,” Catarina's voice was so sleepy, Magnus could see her in front of his eyes, as he walked across the dining room and to the parlor.

“The whole gallery was a piece of art,” he told her and dropped himself on the couch as soon as he reached the parlor.

“You find the beauty in everything,” Catarina yawned again.

“Yes, but still,” Magnus rested his head on the back of the couch, “I'm not even joking,” he continued, “I spent the first half hour just admiring it.”

“I'm sorry but I wouldn't have made it there in time, even if I wanted to, Magnus,” he was thankful that his best friend carried on with the conversation.

“Why not, the corner of Barrow and Bedford is three blocks from Christopher Station, if you had wa—” Magnus paused when he heard Alec started to cough terribly, turning in his seat to see him.

One of Alec's hands was on his chest, while he threw the spoon on the top of the island and then he put his other hand over his mouth. Magnus was on his feet the moment Alec started to hit his chest with his fist.

“Call you back,” he said and rushed through the dining room, tossing his phone on the table on the way.

Alec's face was red and his eyes were teary from coughing. Magnus ran to fill a glass with water and rushed back to Alec, whose cough seemed to start to dwindle. Magnus grabbed him by the shoulder and patted his back lightly. Magnus took Alec's hand, his palm against the back of Alec's hand, guiding it to the glass.

“Drink,” Magnus commanded, letting Alec's hand go, “drink, please,” repeated Magnus.

“I'm… I'm okay,” Alec's voice was hoarse and he pulled his shoulder away, “don't bother,” Alec added and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, “I don't need your help with the eyedrops either, Magnus. I can manage, just as I used to,” he said and cleared his throat.

Magnus' hand stayed in the air and he blinked a couple of times from the sudden coldness. He couldn't move, feeling completely numb from the shock.

Alec jumped from the stool and left the kitchen, leaving his breakfast and coffee behind.

Magnus had no idea what had just happened. He stared at the way to the staircase when he heard Alec slamming the door upstairs closed. He stood in the same spot for a couple of minutes before he moved and went to make some coffee for himself.

He was leaning against, the edge of the island, staring at the garden through the wide window as he sipped his coffee.

“What did I do wrong this time?” He asked himself desperately, trying to replay everything since he'd arrived not so long ago as many times he could, thinking about every little detail. He came to the conclusion that he had no idea. It could have been the night before, or him not answering the phone call… whatever it was, Magnus didn't want to go deep into analyzing things. He needed to trust Alec—which wasn't that easy at that point—, and in himself, that everything was going to work between them. He needed to have faith in them.

He just didn't know how to reach out for Alec anymore.

He lowered and shook his head. He knew they had just begun this fresh start thing but one needs two to tango and he didn't know how many matches he had left in his box.

Turning around, he looked at Alec's now soggy corn flakes in the bowl. He took it and cleaned the kitchen before putting his pastries on a plate and sitting down to have breakfast—not that he had any appetite left, anyway—.

Honest to Goodness, he told himself, he was curious about whether or not he was going to see Alec during the day. He finished his food and coffee and cleaned the kitchen. He glanced over to his shoulder at the garden while he was doing the dishes.

He searched for his sketchbook and pencils and took a chair from the dining table to the deck outside by the kitchen. The sun was still shining on the other side of the building, creating shadows over the deck. The already increasingly warm temperature was bearable in the shadow of the building.

He put his feet on the railing and placed his book against his thighs, chewing on his pencil as he searched for something to draw.

 

***

 

Enough was _enough_ . He kept repeating in his mind on the way to his room. What the hell of a joke had his family and this hell of a caretaker been playing with him? First, they sent him to check on him on Monday and then—well, before that—he had visited _that_ gallery?

Alec didn't need that bullshit, thank you very much.

He was pacing back and forth in his room, all the way to the window then to the closet, God knew how many times, running his fingers through his hair. After walking what felt like a marathon, he sat on the edge of the bed, resting his elbows on his knees, leaning his weight on his hands as he buried his head in them, pulling the hair above his forehead.

He was going to be insane if this stupid game kept going on.

“Damn it!” He cursed, feeling like a total fool.

He was holding back the urge to go downstairs and tell Magnus to go to the hell and mind his own business. He was tense and mad, he didn't want to lash out on him even though he felt like his mind was about to explode, his blood was boiling in his veins.

Of all the places Magnus could've visited, he'd gone to _that_ gallery. He couldn't help himself. He couldn't think straight or see things for what they weren't. The fresh start was a joke. He had meant it back then, but now, a few days later, he didn't think it was truly a good idea. How would it be? Magnus was definitely his mother's man. He was there to spy on him, keep track of his every move and then report everything to Maryse. She was finally giving up on him, didn't trust him anymore. Didn't believe he was fit to be on his own.

Alec felt he was hyperventilating. If that was the case, his family could take him to court, declare him unfit, and take over his life. They'd take him away from the brownstone, from his home, and he didn't want that.

Why had Magnus gone to the gallery on Barrow and Bedford? Why did he have to even mention it? Was he doing everything on purpose?

He couldn't break down now. He couldn't give in. He had to use his sort of truce with Magnus to find out what was happening. Perhaps he wouldn't get anything out of him but he had to try.

Why was this happening to him was beyond his comprehension. Right now he needed to calm down.

If only he could.

***

Alec didn't show up all day—well, he did around 1 pm when he grabbed some snacks and two bottles of water and disappeared into his room again. Magnus could see him from the deck facing the garden. Alec was in a hurry to leave the kitchen as soon as possible, Magnus could notice—and truth be told, Magnus was kind of starting to get tired of it.

Fresh start, he snorted at the thought when he locked the brownstone front door and walked down to the street. He hadn't even gone upstairs to let Alec know he was about to leave.

It had been Alec's idea, not his. But when Magnus agreed on starting over he had really meant it. He really wanted to be a great company for Alec. He had shown up yesterday because he hadn't wanted Alec to be alone—not because he pitied him—because he didn't deserve to be alone on the 4th of July. No one did.

The weather was nice, warm though a little windy. He searched for his sunglasses and put them on his head. He didn't feel like to go home yet. He was suffering from a lack of human interaction so he decided to take a detour.

Stepping into Meliorn's floral shop was like walking into fairyland. It wasn't only the smells and the flowers everywhere but the decoration that the owner was so precise about. Magnus felt like he was in a secret place in Brooklyn.

Spending the whole day by the garden in the backyard of Alec's house—a place which really didn't deserve that name as it was more like a desert—had made him think that he really should do something with it.

He already had some ideas which wasn't that surprising given that he had the tendency of stumbling upon things which were about to die—and he felt like that garden only had two or three final breaths at most—so, he had already thought about how he could bring it back to life.

So, in Alec's vocabulary, if their fresh start meant being locked up in his bedroom all day, well then, for Magnus, it would mean to spend the rest of his workdays in that garden. Not a desert, he reminded himself, a garden...well, it'd be soon enough.

“Magnus!” He heard his name being called somewhere but he couldn't see anybody, “I'm here, hello,” the familiar voice said again and Magnus tried to find it but all he could see were flowers and more flowers everywhere, then Magnus' eyes widened before he started to giggle.

“I'd find you much more easily if you weren't wearing that green shirt with tulips on it,” Magnus said and Meliorn straightened his body, turning back to the flowers he was arranging on the stands, “is that a bird in your hair?” Magnus' eyes widened in shock again.

Meliorn turned to him again, a wide smirk on his face, which in Magnus' opinion, could be painful.

“Yes,” he started to walk toward Magnus, “if pirates can have parrots on their shoulders, I can have a sparrow in my hair,” he explained and Magnus arched a brow but nodded continuously.

“Did you get my email, Mel?” Magnus asked looking around the shop.

“Yes,” he followed Magnus, “and I almost had a heart attack, I'm telling you, Magnus,” he added and Magnus looked back at him, “what in the world happened to that garden?”

“I guess nobody had taken any care of it,” Magnus said looking away, bending down and taking a rose from a vase.

“The owner is probably blind if they can't see the beauty of that place and its potential,” Meliorn stated behind Magnus' back and Magnus almost dropped the flower in surprise.

“Well—,” Magnus started but Meliorn cut him off.

“Or heartless and cold,” he said and Magnus looked at him immediately. The other man was standing motionless, eyes closed, his hands resting on his chest.

“He is blind, Meliorn,” Magnus said seriously, and Meliorn eyes opened wide, “like literally,” Magnus added and the other parted his lips then closed them again, taking a deep breath through his nose.

“Ah,” he said when he let the air out sharply, “that means hope then,” he closed his eyes again.

Magnus frowned in confusion. He knew Meliorn was _weird_ —the good kind of weird—, closer to nature than many he knew, and sometimes Magnus really didn't know what he meant exactly, which reminded him of his seed-flower-rain-sunshine metaphor, damn, he was odd too, he knew it.

“So,” Magnus started; he didn't want to go _that_ deep into conversation with the florist, “ya' think ya' can you help me? I'd take any advice you can offer,” he said as he saw the other's eyes lit up.

“Of course! I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to sleep after seeing those awful photos,” Meliorn headed to the counter at the end of the shop, “so,” he pulled out a tall stool, gesturing Magnus to take a seat, “do you have anything in mind? A concept? Colors?” he continued and sat on another stool at the counter.

“I don't really know—” Magnus started, taking his sketchbook out of his backpack before sitting next to him. Meliorn unlocked the screen of his iPad.

“It can be a calm place to rest, to chill, to have lazy afternoons, to have romantic evenings…” Meliorn trailed off and Magnus stared at the book in his hand. For a moment there, he was at a loss for words. He stared blankly at the sketchbook and then at Meliorn.

“I just…” Magnus finally started without looking at the other man, “I… I don't know… can we…” Magnus paused searching for the right words, “can we turn it into a garden where a blind man could… _see_?” He looked at Meliorn to see if he'd understood what he meant—who was he fooling? Of course he did—and Meliorn curled his mouth up into a sincere smile.

“By the time we're done, he will _see_ … _hear_ … _smell_ … and _feel_ the garden,” Melion paused between words as he was saying them and Magnus felt shivers up and down his spine. He looked at his forearm and noticed goosebumps all over his skin. He was pitiful, he knew that and yet, he was feeling the same way as he did when he stood in front of an empty canvas; he was about to create something in that backyard and he just couldn't help but be his usual self. Creativity, art in any form was his life. He could put it to good use, just like any magician or warlock would. He and Meliorn were to make magic happen.

He was in the middle of brainstorming ideas with Meliorn, drawing sketches of what they could do in the garden, making a list of the flowers and plants they could plant there when Magnus' phone started to ring in his pocket.

He frowned at the name in his screen but took the call anyway.

“Magnus speaking,” he said as he answered the phone and waved Meliorn to continue with the design. From what he could see, and knowing Meliorn's way with flowers and plants, it was going to be beautiful. He smiled and went back to his phone call. “Oh, hi! What can I do for you?”

***

**< Hey Alec, it's Magnus! I can't make it in the morning, sorry about that. Something very important came up and I need to meet someone. I'll see you later, okay? Bye!>**

Alec listened to the message on loop and was so worked up, he couldn't get rid of the bad feeling which had his blood boiling nonstop all day.

Magnus had been _there_ , in _that_ gallery. And he had met Izzy there and he now remembered Izzy mentioning the place when they'd last talked but hadn't given much thought to it. This whole thing was too much of a coincidence if he was honest with himself. He simply didn't believe in coincidence. There was no such a thing.

The VoiceOver interrupted the iMessage's reading and announced the ID of his incoming call.

**< Mom>**

“Perfect timing,” Alec said and snorted.

He waited for a couple of seconds and made himself comfortable in his bed before answering to the call.

“Mother,” Alec said harshly, “did you miss me?”  

“Alec! Hi, sweetie, is everything okay?” Maryse asked immediately, she sounded worried but Alec snorted again. He wasn't going to fall for her charade. She could pretend all she wanted. He still wouldn't believe her.

“I don't know, you tell me,” Alec retorted.

“Alec?” She asked and Alec heard her moving somewhere. From the sounds of it, it could've been her bed.

“You haven't called me for days, I'm wondering if there is someone who reported my _very_ well-being to you…” Alec trailed off.

“What are you talking about? I know Jace was there to see you and Isabelle did tell me you two had talked but reporting about you?” She said but Alec stopped her before she could continue.

“You really enjoy this game, huh mom?” Alec asked, not hiding all the bitterness he was feeling inside.

“Alec, what's going on?” She raised her voice. Alec heard snoring stopping in the background, his mom must have woken his father up. Excellent. This was just peachy.

Alec let out a tiny, sarcastic laugh, “don't be ridiculous, I might be blind but I'm not stupid!” Alec raised his voice too.

“Alec, need I remind you that you're talking to me? I'm your mother!” she said seriously.

“Whose idea was it to send Magnus to the gallery _I_ designed in West Village? Yours, Ma? Izzy's? Whose was it?” Alec blurted out.

“What?” Maryse asked, her voice sounded a little distant, Alec was sure he was on speaker so his father could hear him as well.

“I didn't kn—” Maryse started but Alec cut him off.

“How much did you pay him to show up last night?” Alec asked angrily.

“Fire him, Maryse,” Alec heard his dad say in a very low voice, almost a whisper in the background and was grateful. Perhaps not everything was as lost as he thought.

“Thank you, dad,” Alec answered and closed his eyes, trying to calm himself.

“I won't fire Magnus,” Maryse stated confidently, “do you mind explaining why to me, Alec?” She asked, enunciating every word and Alec rolled his eyes. Maryse wasn't going to lose an argument without a fight and that was infuriating.

“I'm not up for this shit, mother,” Alec retorted and quickly stood up from the bed—he needed to be in motion, his body was too tense, “you can call it off, okay?”

“Watch your mouth, Alexander Lightwood! I won't accept this behavior from you,” his mother almost shouted as she spoke.

“Maryse,” Robert's voice could be heard further.

“Don't Maryse me! Alec's behavior is unacceptable, he is being disrespectful,” she said back and Robert was silent.

“And who's gonna respect my decision?” Alec asked while he was pacing back and forth in the room.

“We respect your decision—” his father said but his mother didn't let him finish his sentence.

“I'm not going to let you continue leading such an isolated life, Alec!” She cut Robert off.

“I'm an adult—” Alec answered back.

“Then stop acting like a child, Alec,” Maryse retorted.

“I don't need you to control my life, mom! None of you!” Alec cried out, running his fingers through his hair, breathing heavily.

“Do not shout at me! Want me to come over and put you on my knee, son?” She asked seriously but with a firm tone. One that told Alec she wasn't playing.

Alec stopped motionless, clenching his teeth and closing his eyes. He stood there for the longest time, listening to the white noise on the phone.

“I don't need _him_ here, I don't need _him_ in my life,” Alec only whispered, “I can't be the same anymore,” he added and felt he was about to cry but no tear was coming, “it's about time you come to terms with that.”

“Alec,” Maryse began but Alec ignored her.

“Dad,” Alec said in a whisper, “dad, please,” Alec begged and pulled the phone away from his ear, ending the call.

He went to the nearest wall, lowering his body until he collapsed on the floor, dropping the phone next to his body before wrapping his arms around his bent legs against his chest, resting his head on his knees.

He hated to bring up the 'dad-card', he hated to create disagreement between his parents, he hated himself but he couldn't find a plausible solution for this situation. He felt miserable, the ground was shifting under his feet, he felt like he could come to lose everything he had achieved at any moment and he was going to fall into the rift.

He would disappear.

_I'll see you later, okay?_

Magnus needed to go away. He needed to leave him and let him live his life the way he always had. The way he wanted to live it. He didn't want him minding his business, or doing anything for him. He didn't need Magnus to remind him of the things he had lost, the ones which were his but were taken away.

That gallery had been his project for months. He had loved not only doing the design but going to the timber factory to choose the wood he had used in the project. He could still smell the sawdust around the place and could see in his mind the honey-colored wood as it was cut and the colors it took once painted with varnish. And it hurt. It hurt a lot and it hurt too much because he had loved his job. He had loved to create, to make his models, to work for hours on his blueprints.

It hurt that he couldn't see anymore and couldn't do so many things he used to.

It hurt that people had left him only because he wasn't Alec anymore. He was Alec the blind architect who couldn't be himself anymore. Because, who was he if he couldn't create and build and transform?

And Magnus had brought possibilities he hadn't wanted to consider before. Why the Play-Doh and the games? What was he trying to do? Teach him that there was a life beyond the dark and that he could live it? What for? So that he could lose everything and everyone he loved all over again?

Alec was exhausted, frustrated. He hated the whole situation. He hated Magnus.

No. He didn't.

He could, though.

He didn't hate Magnus. He hated the fact that he had barged in his life and was turning it upside down.

Why was his mother not listening to him? He wanted Magnus gone and with him, the idea that someone could look after him without any pretensions. Yes, the man was getting something out of it but what he had endured so far with him was far worse than the money Maryse was paying him. There was something in there for him but what was it?

Alec didn't care and he told so himself as he broke into tears and let them fall free down his face. He was so tired. He couldn't keep on fighting against his family and their love for him. They didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve them. Magnus shouldn't come back. Not the next day, not ever.

However, Maryse was stubborn as he himself was or even more. How else then had the family kept together after all that had happened? How had he managed to stay alive if not from the resilience his mother had instilled in him?

“Mom, please…” he pleaded to an empty room in between sobs.

He felt like he wasn't going to be able to make it.

Alec cried until exhaustion won him over and he laid down in bed. He fell asleep and dreamed of Lake Tahoe and his siblings. There was no former boyfriend and no bad memories. He could still see and his mom and dad were happy watching them play in the water.

They were all together and all was good.

***

 

Magnus was on his way to NYU in the morning, he was a little earlier, so he could walk at a slower pace than usual.

The call from Dr. Tessa Gray the day before had taken him by surprise—and that was an understatement.

This was it… A great opportunity. _His_ greatest opportunity to date. This could be Magnus' big shot. He had been waiting for it for so long that when it happened he just couldn't believe it. He didn't know what he had done to deserve it. It didn't feel real yet, not even when he entered the NYU's building and was walking down the hall to Dr. Gray's office.

He had called Maryse right after he had finished talking to his supervisor, he didn't even remember what he had told her but the woman had been cheerful and supportive when she assured Magnus that they had no problem with him going to meet his university professor.

He had left Meliorn's shop right after and had sent a message to Alec, remembering that he had told Maryse that he was going to let the other man know that he couldn't make it in the morning. He had wanted to call Catarina as well to tell the good news but he hadn't at the end because he had known the woman was going to raise his hopes high up and he didn't want that. The meeting could end in every possible way and he needed to be calm as much as he could.

A woman from the Clave Gallery had contacted his professor and they had been talking, probably about him, by the time he arrived at Dr. Gray's office. His portfolio, the one he'd left at the office many weeks ago was open and in full display. For the looks of it and from what they'd told him, it was something good. Particularly for him.

“Magnus! I'm so glad you could make it!” Dr. Gray said as they nodded to each other; “this is Jia Penhallow, General Coordinator of Exhibitions at Clave Gallery. Jia, this is Magnus Bane, the graduate student I've been telling you about.”

The woman looked at him and gave him a wide smile. She was Asian, with beautiful dark black hair falling down her shoulders to mid back. She had sharp features and a gentle smile. She was in her mid, late forties perhaps, but Magnus could appreciate the aura of confidence she had around her. She shook his hand steadily and he smiled in spite of himself.

“Magnus Bane,” he managed to say before she waved with her hand and pointed at the portfolio.

“I haven't seen such talent in many years, Magnus. Your art, it comes to life in a way that I can't even describe. Your colors! How do you manage to make them tell these kinds of stories! When Tessa here showed them to me, I was left without words! I'm telling you, the world needs to see your talent, which is why I'm here,” Jia was talking and Magnus simply listened. There was no way he could explain to her how inspiration hit him when he least expected it. Would she believe him if she told her about his latest painting? The one he still had at his studio in his loft and which stared at him all the time?

Of course not, don't be a fool, Magnus.

“Well, I'm all ears,” he managed to say, still overwhelmed but equally happy at the attention.

“We're having an art exhibit on the sixteenth, in a little over a week. I know it's rushed and I know it's a little over a deadline, but I literally just found you and I think you're the missing piece to what we want. We're trying to feature new artists, new faces that can't be hidden, art that can move and make people feel with fire intensity, and that's exactly what I see here. Not to mention that I've fallen in love with your work myself. The thing is, and I know I shouldn't be asking, but with these works in your portfolio and an extra painting, we should be set.”

“A new painting?” He asked confused. A painting required time. He knew he'd had moments of sudden inspiration that were now displayed among his portfolio, but still, he knew himself. He worked well under pressure but this sounded a bit much. “I'm afraid I don't follow you.”

“Yes, Magnus. This,” Jia said drawing circles over his works with her hand wide open, “is good quality and we want more.”

“But you're giving me so little time…”

“Do you want this or not Magnus? I'm telling you we want you. So, do you want this too?”

Manus was quiet for a moment. The Clave Gallery was well known in the city and Raphael had mentioned it before. Ragnor wasn't particularly fond of it but he'd admitted once or twice—perhaps while inebriated—that they displayed quality works. It wasn't the richest gallery but it was a good way to start. Plus, they had come to him.

Silver linings.

“Of course I want this,” he said, “it's an artist's dreams to take part in an exhibit.”

“Well Magnus, we want you, what do you say?”

He looked at the two women. Tessa was a bit more reserved and was sitting behind her desk, her elbows resting on it and her hands over her mouth. He knew that look. She was thinking, considering as he was, if it was a good idea to accept such a commision. He knew better but still, in the middle of the rush and the excitement of the offering, Magnus nodded and stood up from his seat.

“Yeah, sure. I'll do my best,” he told Jia, looking at her in the eye.

“Excellent!” She almost screamed and Tessa smiled. Magnus hoped she wasn't thinking he was crazy for accepting those terms. He was, though. No doubt. And he was certain Tessa agreed with him. “I'm looking forward to seeing it, Magnus. Tessa, thank you for this. I'll send you the information so that you can join us, okay?”

The two women exchanged pleasantries and Magnus watched Mrs. Penhallow leave, a big smile on her face.

“You can breathe now, Magnus,” Dr. Gray said and Magnus sat back down, slouching in the seat. She saw him and smiled.

“I can't believe this!” He cried out of excitement. “And they want me to do something else, something new! What am I going to do, Professor?! Oh my God! I've got to call dad! He's going to be so happy! And what am I going to paint?!”

“Magnus! Magnus! Calm down! If there's something I know, is that you can do it. I know it's rushed, and I know it's not the way they usually do things, but listen, I've been in the art world for years, so have my partners. We've seen artists rise and fall and I know you belong to the first category. You'll rise and shine and you will find your niche. I'm very happy for you, and I know you're going to create something wonderful.”

Her words warmed his heart and made Magnus smile. For that one second, everything was light and good and perfect and nothing could break his little bubble. Not even Alec and his strange behavior.

They talked for a few more minutes. She showed him some notes for his work but Magnus was so ecstatic that he forgot every word Dr. Gray had said the minute it had come out of her mouth.

He left her office with his mind full of ideas, many of which he discarded. Nothing was good enough right then, and he knew it. He wanted to call Luke but he was sure his dad wouldn't answer the phone. So, he decided to call him later anyway, or even leave him a voicemail telling him about the show and about how much he loved him. Luke deserved to know that. And now, he needed to tell him more than ever.

As he stepped out of the NYU's building and headed to the next subway station, he decided to make the one call he hadn't dare do the day before.

He unzipped his backpack and searched for his iPhone. He had to stop when he realized that he'd left it in his bag and was at the bottom of it. He leaned against a wall, putting the strap over his shoulder and started rummaging through it. He moved his laptop and sketchbook to the back and there it was, resting undisturbed at the very bottom. Of course.

The screen lit up as he grabbed the phone, noticing he had three missed calls and a message notification. All of them were from Maryse Lightwood.

Magnus frowned and started to organize his things back in place in his bag. Had Maryse forgotten about his important meeting? Magnus started to think about why the woman had called him. He closed the bag and checked the message. He was still standing by a wall not far from the entrance of NYU.

People were passing by him but he was only staring at the message on his screen.

**Please call me as soon as possible. We need to talk.**

Magnus unlocked the screen and dialed Maryse's number. The woman picked up the phone after one ring.

“Magnus, hi,” she greeted him and Magnus could sense some anxiety in her voice.

“Hello, Maryse, sorry, my phone was muted and I just finish—” He said.

“It's okay, Magnus, I know you were busy,” she cut him off, “listen, do you mind stopping  by our place?” She asked.

“As in now?” Magnus' eyes widened from surprise.

“If possible, yes, now,” she answered and Magnus heard her high heels clicking against the floor.

“Yes, sure, I'm at NYU right now, so I'll be there soon,” He explained even though he didn't know why his hands started shaking as some strange feeling took over his gut, “is… is everything okay? Alec?” He asked eventually.

“Alec's fine. I'll explain everything, Magnus. We just need to talk to you,” she sputtered and sighed. Magnus' nodded even though she couldn't see him.

“Sure, I'm on my way then,” Magnus said, standing up, placing the band of his bag on his shoulder, starting to walk toward the station.

“Great,” Maryse said and she broke the line.

Magnus was confused, his mood changed in a split second. He couldn't think about the meeting he just had in Dr. Gray's office and hated it. This was his day. This was when everything could and would change. Well, after talking to Maryse it probably would but for the worst.

She said 'we' and she seemed anxious, and somehow Magnus started getting worried. We who? He wondered. Deep down, he really hoped nothing had happened to Alec. The guilt started to build up inside. He shouldn't have avoided Alec the day before. He should have looked after him. He had one job and that job meant he was responsible for Alec during whatever time he was in the brownstone.

Magnus walked faster as he made his way to the subway station.

The trip to the penthouse at the Upper East Side building was a blur for Magnus. His mind was everywhere and nowhere at the same time and he hated that. Not knowing what was going on, how cryptic Maryse had been on the phone. Where was the little control he used to have in his life? He had been in Manhattan one moment, and the next, he was at the entrance of a luxurious building.

After he checked in at the reception, he waited for the elevator. He remembered the first time he had been there. He had had no idea of what he was signing up for. Much less the next day when he had met Alec for the first time.

And now, exactly one month since he'd first met Alec, he had the same weird feeling in his gut. He didn't know what was waiting for him and that was stressing him out. If Alec Lightwood's behavior was of any indication, he could be walking into a deathtrap as he didn't know what was waiting for him.

Greta's sincere smile was the first thing he saw after the elevator opened wide, she was waiting for him.

“Good morning, Mr. Bane,” she greeted him.

“Greta, hi,” he breathed in relief. Maybe it wasn't the same as the first time. Now, he knew Greta and the place, “how are you?” He asked as she gestured to walk in.

“I'm fine, thank you for asking,” the maid's voice was very soft and polite, “Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood are going to be with you at any moment,” she said and Magnus showed her a forced smile.

“Oh,” he said. So, the 'we' in this case, meant Maryse and Robert, and Magnus didn't know how to feel about it.

Greta led Magnus to the familiar living room before she left and Magnus took a seat on the couch confidently. He crossed his legs, rested his elbow on the armrest, and supported his head against his hand. Magnus' eyes wandered around, taking his time to discover the place this time. The penthouse was very different from the houses he used to live in when he was a kid or even Luke's place which he considered his home—after the loft he was currently living in and the house he had shared with his mom—, he could barely imagine how the Lightwood kids had grown up there.

As his eyes wandered around the place, he tried to imagine a Christmas morning there, the view of the snow through the floor-to-ceiling windows, decorations all over the place, a huge Christmas tree in the corner, socks hanging from the fireplace… Magnus let his thoughts trail off when he heard the sound of the elevator door.

“He doesn't want it either,” he heard the man, Robert, saying.

“It's not his decision to make, I've told you,” Maryse's voice followed it.

“Then whose is it?” He heard another male voice and Magnus realized it was Alec's brother, Jake. No, his name was Jace. “It definitely is not yours,” he said and all of them remained silent.

Magnus heard their footsteps and Maryse's high heels clicking confidently against the granite floor. He stood up and turned his body their way.

Maryse was walking in first, the two men in tow. Maryse was wearing a blue polka dotted white summer dress, with a blue blazer on top, Robert, as usual apparently, was in a boring, grey suit, and Jace… well, he looked more like one who's just stepped out from Men's Health—white shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbows, tucked in dark blue jeans with a brown leather belt, and matching leather shoes—and Magnus wondered what kind of turbulence would be needed to mess the man's perfectly gelled blond hair. He definitely didn't look like a businessman, head of the Lightwood empire on a weekday but more like a model straight out from a photo shoot.

“Magnus,” Maryse said, “I hope you didn't have to wait for long,” she showed him an elegant smile as she headed to the nearest armchair.

“I just got here myself,” Magnus answered, waving her away.

“Hello Magnus,” Jace was in front of him the next moment, his teeth on display as he smiled at Magnus and stretched his hand out to him.

“Hi,” Magnus shook hands with Jace and the man turned on his heels heading down the hallway, leaving them there.

“Good morning, Mr. Bane,” Robert said coldly and was the next to offer his hand and Magnus followed suit, shaking hands with him before the man went to the armchair next to Maryse.

Magnus swallowed dry, he had a deja vu feeling and sat on the couch.

“May I bring you something to drink Mr. Bane?” Greta asked and Magnus lifted his head to look at her. He hadn't even noticed when she came back.

“Thank you, water would be great,” he answered but couldn't help but notice her demeanor. She was behaving totally different from the other day at the brownstone; her smile seemed more imposed than honest. Her hand was resting over the other on her stomach as she stood straight near the couch.

“Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood?” She turned to them and Magnus looked at Alec's parents too.

“Coffee,” Robert said without looking at her. He was burning a hole on the mahogany coffee table in front of them as he was staring emptily there.

“The same for me,” Maryse said and showed her a small smile, “thank you,” she added and the maid nodded and left.

Magnus' eyes were pacing back and forth between the woman and the man, he didn't know what could be so important that they couldn't discuss it on phone. Maryse looked at Magnus and showed him her sweet smile before she took a glance at Robert. Magnus felt to urge to roll his eyes. He wasn't sure whether the Lightwoods were taking their time or if they just wanted to seem more dramatic. Whatever it was,  Magnus had no idea what was going on.

“You wanted to talk to me,” he started the conversation, not wanting to spend his whole day there. Actually, he should have been at Alec's house already. He wanted to leave, not be there in what seemed like a trial.

“Yes,” Maryse said, “we do,” she continued, “about Alec, obviously,” she moved in her seat unease, “we had quite a conversation last night, you see. He was very worked up and angry and I know that a little part of it is my fault, but since he didn't really explain to us why he was so furious, do you mind telling us what happened?” She asked, her expression seemed worried and Magnus couldn't help but notice that she kind of seemed uncomfortable with her own words.

Magnus blinked a couple of times as he really didn't know where to start to explain or what to say, much less what he should share with them. He knew Alec's behavior had changed all of sudden the day before and he didn't know why either. He didn't want to go into his personal situation with Alec, about how Alec had hurt him last week because it wasn't about him—even though Magnus thought it could have somehow been a turning point—.

“After you left last week,” Magnus looked and motioned at Maryse who nodded and he cleared his throat, “after that, we went for a walk,” Magnus said.

“What? You took my son for a walk?” Robert asked but Maryse gave him a look that made Magnus uncomfortable. Obviously, she didn't know about that either because he could see her reaction. However, how each of them received the news was different.

“Yes, he asked me to take him for a walk, we just went around the block—”

“How?” The man asked again and Magnus paid more attention to his pose. He was definitely not happy about that and Magnus decided to keep that in the compartment in his brain for information he would go back to later on.

“How? Well, I guided him,” Magnus looked at Robert, then back at Maryse, “we talked while we were out,” Magnus didn't want to tell them what he and Alec actually talked about, “he seemed fine until he asked me to take him back home at some point, so I did that. He went to his room and when I checked on him he was passed out. He didn't eat all day, so I woke him up. He had this terrible migraine, so I fed him and gave him pills before he passed out again. I stayed a little longer because I wanted to make sure he was fine and I changed the wrap on his hand,” Magnus stopped when Robert looked at Maryse. “I'm not sure if you know he cut himself when something broke in the kitchen the night before, so I took care of his hand, too.”

“And then you went earlier the next day,” Maryse said, Magnus remembered their call the other day in the morning, “to check on him.”

“Yes, I called you about that, I was worried because his migraine had been really bad and I wanted to make sure he was alright,” Magnus nodded, “I made him breakfast after he woke up, then we did the exercises Lyd… Dr. Branwell instructed him to do and me to help with,” Magnus said but stopped when Maryse frowned and tilted her head a bit.

“Continue please,” she said and Magnus swallowed.

“I don't think any unusual happened that day, he seemed fine, he received a phone call, I think, and if I'm right his brother came over after I left,” Magnus paused when Greta appeared with their drinks.

“Yup,” he heard someone said and then Jace re-appeared with a massive pack of papers in his hands, “I was there, I've told you so,” he looked at his parents while he went around the couch and tossed the papers on the coffee table, startling Magnus with the sudden loud noise, “and Alec was fine,” he added when he sat on the other end of the couch. Magnus noticed how he rested one of his arms on the top of the backrest, leaning his weight on his other elbow against the armrest, looking and arching a brow at his parents. Greta left after placing the whole tray on the coffee table.

“Why did you go to that gallery on Saturday?” Robert asked out of the blue.

“Dad!”

“Robert!” Maryse and Jace at the same time and Magnus' eyes widened.

“Izzy told Alec—” Jace began but Maryse lifted her hand to stop him.

Jace let out a deep sigh and rolled his eyes when Magnus looked at him, then his eyes went back and forth between Maryse, who was showing a faint, poised smile and Robert, whose expression seemed annoyed.

Magnus was more confused than before. First, it was about what had happened, which Maryse knew most of, and now they were mentioning the gallery. Why would they care about that? He went to the gallery on his personal time, during the weekend when he was supposed to be off duty. Then why?

“Magnus, I'm so—” Maryse said.

“I'm an art student,” Magnus cut her off because he really wanted to put the end to the conversation, “I visit galleries and exhibitions all the time. The one I went to that weekend, if you must know, was because of my friends' friend, and I was invited like anyone else in attendance and I met Isabelle and Simon there, I guess you must know about that too,” Magnus explained.

“You didn't talk to Alec about the gallery before?” Maryse asked.

“No,” Magnus replied flatly, “why would I?” Magnus answered emotionless.

“Why did you go there on Monday?” Robert asked next and Magnus saw from the corner of his eye that Jace looked at him. “It was a holiday, you shouldn't have been there.”

“Because I wanted to,” Magnus shrugged as he started to speak after taking a deep breath, “to be honest, I have no idea what's going on now,” he paused again to put himself together, his heart was racing in his chest, he didn't even notice when it had begun, “okay, right,” he took a deep breath again, “I don't know why this is of any importance, but it was spur of the moment thing. I was on my way home when I decided to visit him. I live in DUMBO, so Alec's house is not far from mine. He was sitting on the steps in front of the house when I got there, he ate the food I brought from my father's barbeque, then we listened to the fireworks, and I went home after I cleaned up in the kitchen. He was locked up in his room all day yesterday,” Magnus told them

“Why did you go there when it wasn't your workday?” Robert asked again.

“Why would you leave him alone at all?” Magnus asked back. Now, he was annoyed. He didn't know where this conversation was going, and he started to get defensive, “and why would you ask me this? As you pointed out, it's my personal time, ergo, what I do with it is nothing but my business.”

“We respect his decision,” Robert raised his voice and leaned forward in his seat. Magnus could see he was getting agitated as well, and for that moment, he really didn't care about many things.

“Then why did you hire me, then?” Magnus tensed, “he clearly doesn't want me around and I'm sure he'd rather have his family with him,” Magnus blurted out without breaking eye contact with Robert but the other man turned to his wife.

“He is not good enough for our son,” Robert said to Maryse in a low, piercing voice but Magnus could hear every single word. Magnus moved in his chair. This conversation was getting more and more uncomfortable.

“When was the last time you called him?” Magnus couldn't hide his anger anymore. As Robert turned to him, Magnus leaned back, straightening his posture. “When was it, Mr. Lightwood?”

“That is none of your business,” Robert stood up, pointing at Magnus with his finger.  Magnus looked at him defiantly.

“The hell is not! I've spent my days there for a month and I can see how his face  changes when he talks to Jace or when Isabelle makes an ad hoc visit and they can have fun together,” Magnus said to Robert then looked at Maryse, “I saw him talking to his mom last week as they said goodbye, the way he was looking at her, and don't get me wrong, I know what I'm saying, how his features soften when he is around her, I've witnessed it. It might seem bleak to you but he needs you, all of you,” he said to Robert and then he looked at Maryse, whose face seemed more relieved now, before lowering his head, looking at the polish on his nails, “I've even managed to make him laugh last Monday,” Magnus said in a low voice, more to himself, but was sure the others could hear him.

“I'm very sorry Magnus that you had to be a part of this conversation,” Maryse stopped speaking when she noticed his husband walking to the windows, “it must have made you uncomfortable but Alec's behavior yesterday was strange and we just wanted to talk to you,” Maryse said and Magnus only nodded.

“This wasn't talking, Mrs. Lightwood. This was you inquiring and I hope I've answered all you needed to know. Believe me, I'm as confused as you are, maybe more so because I don't know Alec that well and—” Magnus stopped when Jace stood up suddenly.

“I think this is enough for today,” Jace said and grabbed the papers from the coffee table. He'd been quiet all the time. Magnus had seen him observing him, his eyes never leaving him. It made him a little uncomfortable but he was more concerned about Robert and his strange behavior than about anything else. Hell, he didn't even care about his job then.

“Magnus, if you want to take this day off,” Maryse looked at him apologetically.

“I don't,” Magnus said, shaking his head, “I'd really like to go to Alec's, now if it's okay with you,” he added and stood up.

“I'll give you a ride,” Jace said and winked at Magnus when he looked at him.

“Thanks, but I'm fine taking the subway,” Magnus answered. He really didn't want to be around the Lightwoods anymore. He was hoping for some fresh air and some time alone to think. Either thing didn't seem like a possibility.

“I think you need the ride and I wanna see Alec,” Jace said and started to walk toward Magnus.

“Okay,” Magnus breathed out and looked at Maryse who simply nodded.

Robert was still standing by the window when Jace went to Maryse and kissed her on her cheek.

“Shall we?” Jace asked and Magnus nodded.

“Have a good day,” he said just before he turned on his heels and followed Jace to the elevator.

Magnus leaned against the wall as they stepped in. His mind was spinning and not in a good way. That morning was just too much. First, it was the excitement over the possibility of an exhibition, by the Gods that it had started so well, and he had been so incredibly excited about it, there were so many possibilities and then, seeing that message from Maryse Lightwood had changed his whole mood. He knew it wasn't something exactly good, but he wasn't expecting the interrogation. When he'd called her, he had no idea what was going to happen. There were so many feelings colliding in his mind right then, that he felt his heart was filling with pain and happiness at the same time.

The sound of the elevator arriving on some floor and the door opening brought him back to reality. He was grateful Jace didn't speak to him on the ride down. If he was honest with himself, he was about to explode and Jace could very well be the receiver of his now sour mood.

Magnus' eyes widened in surprise when he realized that they had arrived at an underground garage, not the entrance hall he knew. He looked around as he followed Jace in the unfamiliar place, seeing expensive cars everywhere. Magnus started to walk faster just to keep up.

“Lightwood's pit box is over there,” Jace said when Magnus arrived next to him, pointing at the cars a little further in front of them.

Magnus noticed Maryse's car, it was the second car from the wall on the right—there was another BMW by the wall, similar to Maryse's—.  As Jace headed to a black BMW, orange lights lit up for a moment as they went closer. There was an Audi parked between Jace's and Maryse's car; a shiny, dark silver one and there was another empty spot on the other side of the black BMW.

Magnus started to think about the cars he had ever driven… Luke's SUV, Jocelyn's Honda, Luke's old police car—well, that was fun. He'd just gotten his driver's license and was waiting for Luke at the station while he was having a meeting and Larry, Luke's partner, let him go around the precinct's parking lot once or twice. He never told Luke about it,  though, but he was sure he knew all about it—oh yes, and Ragnor's old-timer.

Magnus looked at Jace who opened the driver's seat door and gestured for Magnus to get in. Magnus went there and got in the car hesitantly. Jace started the engine—which really had a nice sound to it—with the massive pack of papers on his lap. He tapped something on the dashboard before he tossed the papers on the back seat and fastened his seatbelt. Magnus did the same, looking on the rearview mirror on his side automatically as Jace started to back the car.

 

***

 

Alec woke up late that morning. His stomach had grumbled aloud and was actually hurting. Damn! He muttered to himself. He touched his clothes and realized he hadn't even changed. After that awful phone call with his mom, he had just broken down and had simply hung up.

He'd been so exhausted, he had collapsed.

Alec checked the time on his watch and got ready for the day.

Magnus had told him the day before he was going to be late. He went for honesty, at least to himself, and thought that he'd rather not have Magnus return that day at all. He could and stay wherever it was that he was going to be but please, pretty please, may it be far away from him.

Maybe, Maryse would listen to him this time and would just fire him.

He knew his mother, though. Ever since his father had retired from business life and she had taken over, she had been in charge of every decision and it had been him, Alec, who had finally given her control over finding someone to look after him after many nights fighting over it.

His mom worried about him and he tried to understand that. He'd never been in her position, having to look after kids, helping her husband continue with a legacy that was heavier than the last name itself.  She worried because he was her son. And in the spirit of being honest with himself, she'd been the one he'd run to the week before after his situation with Magnus.

Everything seemed to go back to Magnus all the time lately.

He got in the shower and took it as cold as he could manage on that very hot summer morning.

It was mid-morning by the time he'd had breakfast and there still was no sign of Magnus.

Things seemed to look pretty good so far. Cross fingers, he repeated to himself.

Alec got on the treadmill after that. He'd had a quiet night and didn't remember much of his dream. He remembered water, lots of water, crystalline and pristine, and it had brought him so much peace. He remembered laughter, his siblings', his mom's, his dad's, his own.

He had the nagging feeling that things were simpler than they seemed but he was sick of thinking—yet he couldn't help himself and did just that. Was it so bad to just be tired and not want to deal with anyone anymore?

Knowing Magnus wasn't coming in the morning, giving him enough time to think all the damned situation with a clear mind, was a good thing.

He hit the treadmill with every ounce of energy he had in him. Burn the cereal and then refuel. He felt empowered to go on all day if possible. He could celebrate by just running a full marathon on it.

Alec laughed with sarcasm. He'd be tired soon enough and well, if he thought hard about it, he could just go to bed and nap all afternoon. He could check TCM's schedule for that night. He remembered they were going to air 'Cat in a Hot Tin Roof' later that night and he'd always loved classics. That one, in particular, featured a very young and handsome Paul Newman and a delightfully gorgeous Liz Taylor. Just because he was gay, it didn't mean he couldn't admire female beauty, and Liz had been a Goddess who lived ahead of her time.

After another hour of exercise, Alec finally went upstairs. He had a quick protein snack and was back upstairs taking another shower before getting into bed. He was feeling really lazy that day and well, if fortune continued being on his side, then that day would continue as it had so far.

Let it be so, he prayed.

 

***

Magnus and Jace didn't talk until they reached the gate leading out of the underground garage.

“Are you okay?” Jace finally asked after he looked at Magnus sideways. He was about to take the car on the road but he stopped. Magnus remained looking in front of him, waiting. What was he going to say, really? That he'd gotten angry and had just disrespected his bosses? Damn. What had he done?

“Yeah, I think so,” Magnus let out with a sigh after all and turned his head away. There wasn't much left for him to say. He knew what he wanted, what he didn't know was why. His priority right then was making it all the way to the brownstone house on Remsen Street in Brooklyn. He didn't need anything else, not really. He wanted to make sure Alec was fine. For what he could gather from his conversation with Maryse, he was distressed. He just wished he could just figure the man out once and for all, for he wasn't just a puzzle to him. Alec was a full mystery he wasn't sure had any solving.

“Okay,” Jace said under his breath and they were on the road the next moment, “I guess you have no idea what the hell was going on, or what all that was for,” he stated, his eyes fixed on the road.

“No, not really,” Magnus answered without looking at Jace, “and you just read my mind.”

“The infamous gallery my dad just gave you such a grief for was one of Alec's projects, back in the day,” Jace said in a serious tone, one that told Magnus he was speaking not only the truth but about something he wouldn't have dared if there weren't any particular circumstances at play. Magnus turned his head to look at him, his mouth open in surprise, “yeah,” Jace nodded, “it's just one piece of the puzzle,” he added and looked at Magnus when the traffic light turned red. Damn, he was a mind-reader by using those words, making Magnus shocked.

“I had no idea,” Magnus only whispered.

“Obviously,” Jace's eyes were fixed on the road, “and Izzy told him that she met you there but she doesn't remember if she mentioned which gallery, even though she knew exactly which one it was. She is so lovesick lately, she doesn't know anything that is not Dr. Simon,” Jace trailed off.

“I still don't see the point, Jace,” Magnus shook his head.

“Alec thinks that you showed up at the gallery and went to visit him on the Fourth of July because my mother asked you to do it,” Jace explained, starting to drive as the light turned green.

“What?!” Magnus raised his voice, bending forward and looking at Jace. He wasn't sure he'd heard him clearly, “this is insane,” he said when Jace nodded before leaning back in his seat and moving his hands in front of him.

“You are different than the other caretakers, Magnus. The others had already left by this time and I think Alec senses it too.” Jace said, “I'm glad you've turned his life upside down—”

“I didn't mean to turn it upside down,” Magnus cut him off, “I just wanted to get along with him,” Magnus threw his head back, closing his eyes. That was the blatant truth. He'd taken the job because he needed the money. He had fallen in love with the house so much so, that he was already taking steps to turn the forgotten land called a backyard in the house into a magical garden. He wanted Alec to have life around him. To be in a place he could explore and touch and feel and get to know. He already admired him for everything he had been able to achieve. He had, in fact, already forgiven him. He just had been too stubborn to admit it until then.

“I'm not saying it's the best thing that's happened to him but I'm saying it's something, Magnus. Something _is_ changing and _that_ is a good thing,” Jace continued, his eyes still fixed on the road, “he's had to face so many things since the accident that, as much as we wanted to, as much as we love him, we just hadn't been able to make him change or alter his current lifestyle, and you have already managed to take him out for a walk,” Jace gestured with his hand while he was speaking, holding the wheel with the other.

“There's a story to it, you know?” Magnus said but refrained himself. He didn't want to go into details. It still bothered him that Alec hadn't been thoughtful with his words. It was the one thing people could do with the ones around them, being respectful.

“I don't care how it happened. You made him come out of that house on his own, I mean, you didn't coerce him or forced him, he just came out to walk, huh?,” Jace looked at him for a second, “and then you said he was already outside when you arrived on Monday, right?” Jace asked.

“Pretty much, yes,” Magnus nodded. His right arm was leaning against the window and his hand was on his chin, touching his goatee.

“In all these years, that's something we had barely achieved. We have the code to his house, his keys, everything, but he doesn't even acknowledge that he has the same to our places. He doesn't even come out the door when he says goodbye to us. Sometimes it feels like he's a vampire and hasn't seen the light of a new day.”

Jace gave him a little speech he was familiar with. He remained quiet as he remembered how Alec had come out to say goodbye to his mom. He had unwittingly told Maryse he had seen him, but the tiny second of relief in her face was priceless. He's managed Alec's anger one more time if necessary.

“You're a good guy, Magnus, I can tell that much,” Jace continued as he drove, still focused attention on the road, “and today you went against my father, protected Alec—”

“It was the right thing to do, he shouldn't have been alone on the holiday,” Magnus raised his voice just enough.

“We didn't want him to be alone, but it was an important weekend for Izzy as well,” he said, “she'd been insisting for a couple of weeks already for him to join us and she'd even pulled the whole I-want-you-to-meet-my-boyfriend card, and he'd refused. Forcing him into doing something he doesn't want to is not the solution, we've learned that lesson already.”

“But forcing him to have a caretaker he doesn't want around is the solution then?” Magnus asked back, emphasizing 'the' as he spoke. He knew he was being unfair from the way Jace closed his mouth tight. Alec was a sore spot for all of them, he knew that much. And he was trying, because well, he'd been hired to take care of Alec, hadn't he?

“That is a thing my mom just can't let go of,” Jace paused and took a deep breath, “she worries, you know? She thinks something bad is always going to happen, you saw it, with the hand. Mom told me how he cut his hand with a broken glass. This is all just so complicated and complex, and I really wish I could explain it better. He has us, his family, and also his therapist in his life, nobody else. Mom thinks giving Alec a caretaker to be with him is kind of a fine line connecting the outside world with the world he has created around himself,” Jace explained.

Magnus rubbed his palms against his face, he didn't know how he had ended up there. He already had enough drama in his life to deal with, and being Alec's caretaker was becoming a weight on his shoulders. He hated that he felt that way. He felt guilty but it was the truth at that very moment. He hated that he felt that way about a blind man whose only sin was to have a lot of baggage.

He didn't hate Alec but the whole damn situation. He hated that he had to filter and be careful with everything that came out of his mouth because he didn't know when Alec was going to explode next or why.

“I told my friend about the gallery on the phone while Alec was having breakfast yesterday,” Magnus confessed. Jace was being honest with him, the least he deserved was to know what had happened, at least from what he had seen, “he choked on his cereal, he was coughing so bad,” Magnus explained.

Magnus felt a pang in his chest then. He'd been there, admiring Alec's work without knowing it was his and he started connecting the dots in his head. He'd been avoiding having an awkward conversation with Catarina about Alec in front of the man himself and had just started blurting out about the gallery and what a masterpiece it was. He'd told Cat were it was located. He'd kick himself if only he could. He'd been insensitive and careless but he really had had no idea.

Isabelle did, though, and she hadn't mentioned anything about that place was one of Alec's projects.

“Hum,” Jace hummed, “another piece of the puzzle,” he said under his nose, Magnus barely heard him. “Things with Alec are a bit complicated, Magnus...it's…”

“Then, how come nobody tells me anything. You want me to take care of him but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells the whole time!”

Jace closed his lips tight and Magnus could see the gesture. He still didn't understand, their silence, their willingness to respect Alec's wishes even if it apparently went against his well-being.

“I… I was actually complimenting the building, you know, because, well…” Magnus stopped, bending forward, leaning his weight on his elbows against his thighs, burying his face into his hands.

 _Because_ it was beautiful, it was a one-of-a-kind piece of work, it was enchanting… it was _fine art_.

Pictures popped into Magnus' mind about the gallery, the high ceiling, the wood timbers, the structure…

He thought of the gallery, of the feelings it had awaken in him. He thought of how he had rambled to Dot and later to Ragnor and Raphael about it. That place had been magical and he remembered Alec's office then. He'd seen his blueprints and models and he knew he had been capable of creating real pieces of art. He was sure he would find newspapers articles about him being a promise of the architectural world.

“I'm sick,” Magnus said and heard car honk behind them as he felt the car stopped.

Magnus lifted his head up, looking around and getting out of the BMW. The wind hit him in the face immediately, and he was grateful for the traffic noise. He just didn't want to hear his own thoughts.

“Get your car off the bridge, Blondie!” Magnus heard a strange male voice from afar between two honks. When he turned around to see who it was, Jace was opening the car's trunk and was showing his middle finger to a cab driver.

Pulling down on the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge wasn't Jace's best idea but Magnus didn't want to throw up over the luxurious car's dashboard. He turned his head back, looking at the water where the Hudson and the East River met, breathing heavily. He tried to calm his revolted stomach, taking air in deeply through his nose, and letting it out through his mouth quickly.

He didn't want to spend too much time there so after a minute or two he went back to the car. Jace was standing a couple of feet away from him on that side of the car where Magnus was.

“You okay?” He asked, handing him a clear bottle to Magnus.

“Thanks,” Magnus accepted it and headed to the passenger's door; they had already spent too much time on a forbidden and dangerous zone.

Jace got in the car right after Magnus and drove off as soon as he fastened his seat belt.

“Flavored water?” Magnus asked when he saw the tag on the bottle, arching a brow.

“Yeah, that's good stuff,” Jace smiled, and Magnus made a face, “sorry, I don't have any other drinks in my car,” he added, looking at Magnus apologetically.

“No problem, I think I'm fine,” Magnus placed the whole bottle in the cup holder, “we're gonna be there in a few minutes, anyway,” he said in a low voice, looking out of the window. He wasn't sure if he was ready but there was one thing he was certain of, “I need to talk to Alec.”

***

 

Alec was laying on his bed reading when he heard noise coming from downstairs. He put his book aside—he really didn't know what he was reading anyway— and got off the bed; he went out of the room, heading to the staircase when he noticed Jace's voice but just couldn't understand what he was saying.

So this wasn't Magnus and Alec wondered what kind of important thing he had that had lasted this long.

“Jace,” Alec said on his way down the stairs, “what are you doing here?”

“Hi, buddy,” Jace said and Alec stopped at the bottom of the staircase and frowned when he heard some other noise.

“Hello, Alec,” Magnus greeted him, his voice seemed strange. He was tense, formal.

“So what are you doing here, Jace?” Alec asked, ignoring the other man and turning on his heels, heading to the kitchen. He heard footsteps following him.

“I gave Magnus a ride,” Jace answered behind him in a simple tone forcing Alec to stop. He clenched his teeth and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before turning around.

“You too, Jace? You are in this too, huh?” Alec almost shouted.

“I can assure you that this is far from what you think,” Jace said and Alec felt his blood boiling in his veins, “I know mom seems annoying but she wouldn't do such a thing, you know that too,” Jace said and Alec rolled his eyes, hearing Magnus' footsteps somewhere in the parlor.

“And what, according to you, is what I think, Jace?” Alec stepped forward, “I don't want this, you all know that,” Alec said, gesturing at the parlor's direction.

Alec heard Jace's footsteps getting closer, then he felt his brother pulling him into a hug. This was something he liked about Jace. He was all tough and business like all the time but when they were together. Because of their height difference, Jace would always bury his head on his neck and would speak to him in whispers.

“You haven't even tried,” Jace whispered, “just let him talk to you,” he continued, tightening the grip around Alec who couldn't but mirror the gesture.

“I can't guarantee anything,” Alec answered, pulling away, crossing his arms on his chest.

“Okay, then, I'm off,” Jace said and grabbed Alec from the neck, “behave” and then Alec heard his quick footsteps toward the foyer. He heard him talk with Magnus, perhaps saying goodbye. He was already annoyed by the intrusion. If he had known Jace was going to come with Magnus he would've just pretended to be asleep and would have made himself scarce. Why were they together anyway? They weren't friends, just like Magnus wasn't friends with Izzy and yet they net the other day, or had they?

Jace had told him to hear Magnus our and that was what he was going to do. Not because he wanted to but because Jace had asked. Nicely.

Alec stood by the kitchen island, leaning against the edge of it, arms still crossed as he tilted his head slightly, trying to listen and filter the noise.

After Jace slammed the door closed, there was some silence filling the house for a great minute before he heard a sigh and then footsteps toward him.

“I think we should talk,” Magnus said, he was probably standing in front of him, somewhere at the end of the dining table.

“I have nothing to say,” Alec rolled his eyes.

“Then I'll speak and you'll listen,” Magnus' voice seemed strange. This wasn't the usual cheerful man who'd been coming to his house for a month. He could still hear the excitement in his voice when he was talking on the phone with his friend. It wasn't the quiet demeanor he had when they were politely avoiding each other. There was something else here and he wasn't sure about what was happening.

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Alec answered bitterly.

“Don't you wanna sit on the couch?” Magnus asked as if worried and then, it hit him off as something out of character. He'd learned to read his nuances, little by little, and this was just strange.

“I'm fine here,” he answered in one breath. Whatever it was, it really wasn't his problem. It was Magnus' and his mom's and he didn't want any part of it.

“Okay,” Magnus simply whispered before taking a deep breath from the sound of it.

Alec hoped this whole mess would end soon and Magnus would leave even sooner so that he could finally go back to his _normal_ life.

“Alec, I didn't know about—” Magnus started then paused and Alec swallowed. Maybe, he wasn't really that ready for this conversation, but he was trying for Jace because he had told him so, “about the gallery. My phone conversation with Catarina might have upset you but it wasn't my intention. I'm an art student, Alec, I _visit_ galleries,” Magnus' voice was distant and somehow cold.

Alec leaned his weight on one foot, then on the other before crossing his legs, waiting.

“Go on,” he said matter-of-factly.

“You hurt me, Alec,” Magnus begun and now Alec could feel the pain in his voice, “badly,” he paused again, “I'm aware that you didn't mean it that way, even though sometimes it's hard to believe that you don't want to hurt me on purpose but still,” he added.

Alec snorted, looking aside as he rolled his eyes. So this was it. They were going back to his one mistake. He thought they were fine after talking and now, it seemed like they were going back; not that it mattered anymore. He would fight Maryse teeth and claw to get what he wanted.

“See? This… This is what you always do,” Magnus said, raising his voice.

“No, Magnus, I can't see anything like _literally_ ,” Alec commented sarcastically, looking empty at somewhere in front of him. He felt the pressure building in him, he wasn't sure if he could breathe.

“So, we _are_ back at the beginning, Alec, huh?” He asked and Alec heard some movement, but Magnus' voice still came from the same direction, “Why do you do this? Just because you're blind doesn't give you the right to treat people like that! And you don't know me. At all,” Magnus paused just before taking a deep breath, “and I don't know you either… You don't trust me, I don't trust you and honestly? It's okay like if things are like this,” Magnus stopped and Alec didn't know if he was waiting for some reaction or if Magnus was just taking a break but Alec didn't know what to say. Magnus was right, he admitted to himself, “but I've never lied to you.”

Alec lifted his head, fooling himself that maybe if he blinked then he could see Magnus and his expression the moment he opened his eyes. But there was only darkness. Nothing more.

“Did you really mean the whole fresh start thing at all? Because I did when I agreed, and I hadn't even forgiven you back then, to be honest, but when I came over on Monday…” he trailed off, and Alec heard him moving. He parted his lips to start to speak but he had no chance, “I came because _I_ wanted to, Alec. Because I felt like that was the right thing to do, because I'd actually forgiven you by then and had pushed everything aside for the sake of your so-called fresh start,” Magnus blurted out like it was the easiest, most obvious thing in the world to say.

Alec heard footsteps coming closer and a hand on his forearm uncrossing his arms. Another joined to the first one, and he felt them as they took his healthy hand.

“You told me about how your senses changed. You lost your sight but your other senses heightened. Then use them. Use your superpower to see if I'm lying or not,” Magnus said in a low voice. He led Alec's hand into his palm, just the same way Alec had touched his hand that certain night outside the house. Alec could hear Magnus taking breaths at a faster pace and Alec closed his eyes.

He didn't want this. He should've just removed his hands from Magnus' and go away. But he couldn't. He was drawn to this situation in which he didn't have any control anymore.

He took a deep breath he hadn't even realized he was holding back until then. He didn't want to believe it—or he just couldn't actually believe it—how could he?

Silence filled the place and he heard his heart beating in his ears. Magnus' pulse felt completely calm under his fingertips. He had hated a second ago when Magnus had called his senses his superpower, but perhaps that's what it was. Magnus wasn't lying. And he'd been hurt, just as much as Alec had been but then again, Magnus had come to his house and had spoken to him; he hadn't run away to his room and locked himself up just to avoid him.

Was this even real? It must have been because just one moment ago he was upset and strongly believed he was right and Magnus was wrong and he could've gone to hell if that wasn't what he wanted, and he'd felt annoyed because why had he brought the whole Alec hurt him situation back to the surface if it wasn't to rub it on his face that he'd hurt him and he had been the higher person. However, hearing him say those words about trust, that had hit closer to home. And Magnus was right. They didn't trust each other and now what bothered him the most was that Magnus seemed to be okay with that somehow.

Suddenly he remembered their first walk, the one and only, when Magnus had told him how nervous he was because he wasn't sure about what he was doing, and Alec remembered that Magnus never said that he had forgiven to him… until now. He had never lied to Alec… but then again, how could Magnus forgive him after everything Alec had done? After how he had treated him? How many rude, uncomfortable silences had there been between them since he came to see him on Monday and how many more since he'd overheard his conversation with his friend?

Alec was holding Magnus' hand then and it felt warm and right and perfect under his. He had those rings, which he knew were silver, and they were also warm, perhaps from the warmth coming from Magnus. And he had kept calm like he had nothing to fear. Like he wasn't hiding anything from him.

Perhaps he wasn't.

The other day, Magnus had come to see him not because of money but because of him.

Magnus had packed and brought him that freaking delicious Fourth of July food for him because he had cared enough for him to know he had eaten and perhaps wasn't alone on that day.

In the three years since the accident, there hasn't been a soul apart from his family who just showed up one day because he _wanted to see_ him. Not because they needed to borrow something from him or because there were any ulterior motives.

Was it even _real_ at all?

Was there really calm water in the middle of an anxious sea?

Alec's breathing hitched, his heart pounding against his chest.

He tried to focus on the pulse underneath the soft and warm skin against his cold fingertips but he couldn't anymore. He knew his hands weren't lying to him. He knew that what he was feeling was the truth even if he didn't like to be wrong and his pride was going to end up wounded. Right then, he didn't know if his imagination was playing tricks on him but he could see something in front of him in the darkness, like when the sun was rising through open windows, but one's sleepy eyes could still see it behind closed eyelids. Like when you are so tired that you can't stop yourself from keep going after shadows in the morning, to be sheltered under the dark night but you can only see amber before you, calling you to wake up, inviting you to come to life even underneath closed eyes. It felt like a glimpse of light in the middle of the dark.

_...just let him talk to you..._

Jace had been right. He hadn't even tried. If it hadn't been for him, he wouldn't even have listened to Magnus and that wasn't fair.

But then again, he was Alec Lightwood, and he wasn't exactly the fairest of them all.

He didn't want to let the moment go, he was sure that his senses and emotions—which he had fought off for days—were overwhelming him. However, they were delivering the message he had to receive. This man in front of him was someone he could trust. Perhaps, it wasn't about the money as he'd thought. Well, it was. He needed the job, but then it wasn't the real motivation.

Maybe, just maybe, he was being an asshole after all.

“I didn't mean to take it on you,” Alec only whispered, not letting Magnus' hands go. “I'm sorry.”

“What are we talking about here? Me bringing the food, which by the way, I'd thought you loved, or about the gallery? Because although I'm not sorry about the former, I am deeply sorry about the later. I really didn't know.”

He felt two thumbs caressing the back of his hand, softly and confidently. Reassuring.

“Do you believe that I'm not lying to you?” Alec felt Magnus breath on his face as he spoke.

Alec nodded.

What else was there to say, honestly? He had to go back to their walk, to their talk afterward. To the day after. They were taking baby steps there but somehow, they'd fallen off the wagon and old habits do die hard and he had always had a hard time with change. He would succeed, but the process would always strip him of his certainties.

“Alec,” Magnus started and Alec's grip grew tighter around his hand. He needed Magnus to listen to him as much as he needed to see Magnus in the only way he could. By holding his hand.

“I'm sorry, Magnus,” Alec whispered, lowering his head a bit, before lifting it again, trying to define the position of Magnus' face. He didn't know what his eyes were telling, he only hoped that Magnus could see through them, “I am truly sorry,” Alec apologized.

“I'm sorry too,” Magnus said when there was lull moment, “I should have known all this was a sensitive topic for you, I should've asked,” he was still caressing his hand, “it will never happen again,” he added and Alec shook his head lightly.

“Do you...do you think you…you can forgive me?” Alec asked nervously as he tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

“Of course, Alexander,” Magnus answered, his voice seemed a little more cheerful this time, “and if I may, I'd like to suggest a _fresh_ fresh start,” he said and Alec smiled.

“Yeah,” Alec agreed, “that… that would be great.”

None of them said a word after that, the silence grew louder, and they could only hear their steady breathing.

Alec felt he was getting calm—at least calmer than before—, his heart going back to a normal rhythm, as he let go of Magnus' hand, and he heard him breathing normally again, he wasn't as agitated and then he heard Magnus clear his throat.

“Okay, I think we can thick this off our list of things to do and put it into the on-going things to work on, and now, I'm gonna change the wrap on your hand and since your mom offered me a day-off and I think I'm gonna take it,” Magnus walked to the kitchen, passing by Alec.

“You… you can stay,” Alec said without thinking, turning to where Magnus was supposed to be.

“Do you need me here for anything today?” Magnus asked opening and closing cupboards, most likely, the one where he kept his first aid kit.

Alec didn't want to say no and why would he, really? Hence, he shook his head. He was fine, actually. Having talked to Magnus really did change things. It wasn't that all of a sudden he and Magnus were to becoming best buddies and would start doing things together and spend the weekend together. He started thinking as if he were in Magnus' shoes. It didn't make sense that someone would spend the Fourth by themselves, much less a blind person like him. It didn't matter how functional he was, why would anyone want to be alone? Why did he want to be alone? And the goddamn food had been so good. He'd tasted it in his mouth until the next day even after properly brushing his teeth.

It was silly to think that Magnus would stay. After everything that happened? He'd be surprised if he wanted to stay at all. He totally understood that he wanted to go home and nodded, waiting for him to tend on his hand.

“Then, if you don't mind, I'm gonna go home,” Magnus raised his voice when he opened the faucet. Alec heard him washing his hands, “I'm exhausted today and I think I could use the time off,” he said.

“Sure, no problem,” Alec said, going to the stool, so Magnus could change the wrap around his hand. Magnus asked him to take a seat and once he did so, he heard the rustle of fabric as Magnus walked closer to the island and sat on the stool next to him.

His hands were colder now after washing them and Alec felt the shivers from it. He smiled to himself. This man had turned his entire world upside down. The ground under his feet wasn't solid and steady anymore and his foundations were falling apart. For an architect, he had no idea how he had built his life. He was going to have to reinforce his foundations, check every room in his life and reorganize and restore. He had his parents and his siblings. Damn, he needed to call his mother and apologize. He had accused her of sending Magnus to spy on him. And he had to call Jace and thank him for bringing some sense to him.

And he had to make amends with Magnus.

Trust was something foreign to him after so many years and he had to work on it with this man who could very well have control over every little detail in his life. And, this now seemed more important to him because, in the spirit of honesty, his life wasn't really that miserable since Magnus was there. They had a routine of their own already, and it wasn't disruptive to his way of doing things. He just needed to trust and hope that Magnus could trust him back. If ever.

“I need to be honest with you, Magnus. I don't really know how to do this,” he said as Magnus removed the bandage from Alec's hand and took a look at it.

He heard him hum in approval perhaps and then Magnus let go of his hand.

“I don't know either, but I'm willing to try,” he heard him accommodating in his seat, “why don't we begin by speaking to each other? When things bother us or when we don't know what to do like now, we can just sit down and talk. Like a break moment when everything can go and we'll just figure things out. You can keep yourself locked up in your room if you so desire, but I'll still be here. I'm not going anywhere in the foreseeable future, so you'll have to put up with me, Alexander.”

Alec nodded. He felt ashamed in many ways but also relieved in many others and well, what Magnus just said did make sense.

“Baby steps it is, then,” Magnus said and Alec heard him get up, packing the first aid kit, and Alec frowned, “your hand is pretty healed up and doesn't need anymore wrapping, okay?” Alec nodded again when he heard him and opened and closed his hand making sure there was no more pain, “so if you're okay with it, I'm going home now. I'll call your mom and let her now, okay?” His voice sounded a bit far and he figured the man was already in the dining room if not by the door.

“Don't worry. I'll do it. I need to talk to her anyway,” Alec said. Once they said their goodbyes, Alec buried his head in his hands.

Magnus had called him Alexander and had held his hand and was trying. He'd come to talk to him and had somehow gotten Jace on his side, there was no other reason. And he could still feel his skin on his fingertips and his pulse under them.

He couldn't be having all those feelings at once for no reason. He couldn't be feeling like he did on the Fourth after touching Magnus when he couldn't even breathe.

Trusting another person was going to take a while and it was going to really destroy his life, but what if it was the foundation for a stronger one?

***

 

Magnus felt like he'd been on a roller coaster that had gone wrong when he woke up late in the afternoon. He didn't know how much he needed a good afternoon nap. He ordered some Chinese food for himself and got comfortable on the couch while he ate it and watched some TV show that was on; he really didn't know what it was about but still felt it was what he needed along with his dinner.

The whole morning was eventful and Magnus needed to process the whole thing, at least that's what he told himself when he decided to put aside every thought related to the blind man he was working for.

He forgot that decision as soon as he stepped into his workroom after having dinner. He'd left the containers on the coffee table—he could really let himself be lazy once a year—, but seeing the portrait he had painted the other day on the corner of the place, really threw his resolve off.

“Duh,” he said and rolled his eyes, turning around to close the door behind him. He went to search for the sketchbook in his bag and then headed to the balcony, a glass of wine as company.

He needed to start working on the painting that had to be done by Monday—he gave that deadline to himself, which gave him but a handful of days.

Why did everything end up back to him thinking of Alec Lightwood? He wondered the moment he saw the drafts of the soon-to-be-garden in the backyard of the brownstone in his book. He turned to a blank page after a dramatically deep sigh and started thinking.

Twirling the pencil between his teeth, he looked up toward the orange-pink-blue sky, trying to search for some inspiration. He had freedom with this new painting and he liked it when he could create whatever he wanted but it wasn't the best thing to do when you weren't _that_ inspired.

It wasn't as if he couldn't paint or something, he could do that but it wasn't about just painting something because he couldn't do anything else either.

This was his great opportunity, and Magnus had butterflies in his stomach only from the thought of it. The stakes were high, that was it. He could really hit the jackpot this time—he had never been good at gambling though—so he needed a plan, make some notes, sketch some ideas.

This painting had to be _something_ else.

His legs were stretched out and his feet rested on the concrete ledge of the balcony as he was sitting on the outdoor armchair, his book on his lap. He grabbed the glass from the table next to the armchair and took another sip of wine before sinking in deep concentration and making some usable notes and sketches.

Before calling it a night, he sent a text message to Catarina, promising her to call soon, that he hadn't forgotten her, and that he loved her very much but he was exhausted and tired and he would need a whole night to update her well. He finished his message by saying he really needed to talk to her.

He looked at the phone for a long time after texting her. He was in desperate need of talking to her. He needed to understand things to put them into perspective because really, what was wrong with everything that had happened earlier that day with Alec and his family. He really needed Catarina, but then again, that'd have to wait.

 

It might have rained at some point during the night, Magnus realized as he stepped out of his building. The streets were still wet and the air was different from the previous day. It was cleaner and fresher, not very warm, dusty or sweltering. He realized he should have brought a jacket the moment a colder breeze touched his skin making him shiver.

He just couldn't go back up the loft to grab some warmer clothes, that would mean bad omen—it was one of the many silly superstitions he followed and he didn't even remember where he'd heard about most of them—and that was the latest thing he ever needed. And if Magnus ever considered himself superstitious, well, this moment was certainly why. He didn't want to play with his fate. Not today and not in the coming week.

Walking into his favorite coffee shop in the neighborhood was perhaps one of his favorite parts of the day as the smell of the newly ground coffee beans hit his nose. It seemed like a busy day because there was a queue longer than normal and Magnus needed his coffee to warm his body. He didn't want to freeze his ass off before making it to the brownstone. After waiting for five minutes or so, he could finally order his coffee and his favorite macadamia nut-honey pastry and left the place.

Drinking coffee all the way to Alec's house was a great idea. The hot liquid helped warm up his body and the paper mug kept his hands and fingers warm as well. It wasn't that bad at all. He was a genius.

He climbed the steps in front of the brownstone, taking them in twos as he arrived. He unlocked the door, entered his security code and then quickly closed the door behind him. He made his way to the kitchen but Alec was nowhere to be seen. Magnus hummed and placed his backpack and paper bag with his food on the kitchen island, and then he went to search for  Alec.

As he walked back to the entrance hallway, he could hear some noise downstairs which meant Alec was either doing some exercise or his laundry. Magnus smiled under his nose as he thought about how his first day had gone almost the same as that day.

He took the stairs and headed down with his coffee in his hand. The fresh smell of lavender was getting heavier as he made his way there, making him more certain that Alec was, in fact, doing his laundry.

The door to the gym-slash-laundry room was open and Magnus could hear the machines working. He tilted his head, as he went closer to the room, trying to catch Alec before walking in. Well, Magnus had to go all the way to the door to see Alec in front of the counter, folding clothes, his wide shoulders facing Magnus as he continued in.

“Good morning,” Magnus said without stopping, seeing Alec turn around with a t-shirt in his hands.

“Hey,” Alec said just before he cleared his throat, “good morning,” he added and showed Magnus a smile making him look at where Alec was looking. The receiver of that smile was that table next to weight holder and Magnus smiled too. He made his way until he reached the counter Alec was standing by, noticing the man following him with his eyes. Magnus leaned against it, right where he thought he wouldn't be on Alec's way as he did his chores, and stared at him in silence for a few minutes

“How did you sleep?” Magnus finally asked, just before lifting his coffee to his mouth, sipping a bit as he let his eyes wander on Alec from head to toe. His hair was messy as always, and Magnus' eyes widened when he noticed that his beard seemed shorter. His dark blue t-shirt fitted him on all the right places, and Magnus had to admit that Alec Lightwood wearing jeans was… well, something else. Alec definitely looked good in regular clothes but that had sort of changed during the past few days. Alec, Magnus had to admit, looked good in anything, the man was good looking and if it was true that he could behave more like a person and less like a grumpy caveman, then he would most surely be a catch.

Why he was alone was something Magnus couldn't understand. Perhaps one day he'll unveil the mystery, or perhaps a secret lover from his past would make his appearance. Although, if he remembered well, he'd mentioned an ex who had dumped him after the accident.

Magnus shrugged the thoughts. That must've been hard for Alec and it wasn't his place to even think about it.

“Magnus?” Alec asked, making Magnus look up.

“Yes, Alec?” He asked back, still lost in his thoughts.

“Did you manage to get some rest yesterday?” Alec said as he folded a pair of sweatpants. For the looks of it, Alec only had dark clothes in his wardrobe and Magnus shrugged it off. To each their own.

“Oh,” he said, damn, he thought, he wasn't paying attention and didn't hear Alec speaking to him, “yeah, hum… yeah, I actually slept through the whole afternoon,” Magnus said and sipped his coffee.

“That's good,” Alec said while he nervously played with the hem of the t-shirt.

“How about you? How was the rest of your day yesterday?” Magnus asked and he could see Alec slumping his shoulders. Perhaps he shouldn't have asked. Things were still feeble between them. He still felt as if he was walking on eggshells around Alec and had to be careful how he worded things.

“I just read a little and spoke on the phone with Jace later,” he announced and Magnus nodded.

“Did he call you?”

“Yeah, he wanted to make sure we'd talked, so I told him we're good.”

Magnus nodded again. He was thankful Jace had made Alec hear him and perhaps he'd keep him updated with things eventually. For now, what they needed to work on was their communication skills. That was if he wanted to keep his job, which for now, was the simple truth.

“That's good. Listen, I don't wanna bother you, I know you're an expert at this,” Magnus gestured to the folded clothes on the counter even though Alec couldn't see him and was now  frowning, “I mean, doing chores, folding clothes, and whatnot” he added and Alec's expression softened.

“Oh,” Alec said, looking down at the t-shirt and so, he continued folding it properly.

“So, I'm gonna be upstairs if you need me,” Magnus said and straightened his body.

“Okay,” Alec nodded and Magnus started walking toward the door at a steady pace.

He turned to look back at Alec before leaving the room, seeing the man doing his work confidently and Magnus still couldn't make his peace with that fact that Alec just refused to be back to having a normal life. Not that this wasn't normal; Alec was very independent, he had common sense and could handle everything—he also had a few accidents, every now and then, like the broken glass thing, which also happened to people who could see—but Alec was still so young to have a life like this.

Magnus sighed deep and went back to the kitchen for his stomach reminded him that he hadn't eaten anything yet and he still didn't really know how this day was going to go. For now, all he wanted to do was to think about his commission and figure out what he was going to do so that he could have it ready on time.

He took his sketchbook out of his bag and put it on the dining table, then he went on to serve his pastry on a plate, throwing the paper bag into the bin. He brought his food to the table and sat down, starting to check his notes from last night as he ate. Maybe he should go with a landscape or something, maybe he could search for new painting techniques… He dropped the thought immediately. He couldn't afford to waste time by trying new things. This very narrow deadline was going to be the death of him.

He was halfway through his pastry when Magnus heard Alec coming up from downstairs and then going upstairs, to the upper floor. A few minutes later, Magnus heard his steps again and then, he saw him as he appeared, in the parlor with a book in his hands.

“Alec, I'm sorry I didn't ask you before” Magnus said with a full mouth, making Alec stop and turn his head towards him, “how is your hand?” Magnus asked after he swallowed his food.

Alec held the book in one hand and closed and opened his other, looking at it as if he could see it; “it's fine. I don't know what the wound looks like but it doesn't hurt anymore,” he said.

“I thought so, I mean, it was pretty healed yesterday,” Magnus said and took another bite from his pastry, “hum, did you have breakfast already?” He asked with a full mouth again. Where were his manners? He said to himself and rolled his eyes.

“I did, yes,” Magnus saw him as he curled the corner of his mouth up before sitting on the couch, making himself comfortable and then, he opened his book.

“Okay,” Magnus mumbled and forced his attention back to his sketchbook and notes. They were talking. Not like having a real conversation but this, no sarcasm or hurtful words, was progress. They were back to square one, just like right after taking Alec for a walk barely a week before. Still, this was better than an awkward silence or not knowing how to act around him.

He still had to watch what he did and mind whatever came out of his mouth. A simple phone conversation with Catarina in front of Alec had brought the definition of 'assumption' to a whole new level. Just having been a good neighbor and have brought Alec some food from his dad's had made him look like it wasn't his doing. The wrong step could definitely destroy everything and they had just come to a certain agreement that was even more fragile than their previous one. So, he let Alec be and focused on his own share of things.

After he did the dishes and cleaned a little around the kitchen, he went back to work on his commission and tried to focus. He filled about ten pages with sketches and drank about the same amount of glasses of water but his mind started to get blurry and he felt like he was getting tenser as time went on and he couldn't come up with a proper idea.

His portfolio contained every kind of drawing and painting he deemed worthy of being shown to the world, hence, he really didn't know what kind of direction he was supposed to take in order to impress Mrs. Penhallow.

As time passed by, Magnus felt his block increase because of stress and it was spiking so high that he couldn't come up with an idea. any kind of ideas. He tore a page off his book and made a ball with it before burying his head in his hands, not caring about ruining his perfectly done hair over his forehead.

He let out a sigh and turned to look at the parlor and at Alec. He was half lying on the couch, leaning against the corner of the armrest and the back, his legs stretched out to the side, so his bare feet could rest on the coffee table. His head was resting on its side against the top of the back, eyes closed. Magnus was sure the man had something with being barefoot as he barely ever saw him wearing shoes unless he was exercising or out.

The book was on his lap and he was holding it steadily with one of his hand as he trailed his long fingers over the white dotted surface. Magnus wondered what kind of story Alec was reading. The man seemed so calm and focused on the book; oblivious of the world as he seemed unfazed by the noise on the street or his fidgeting. The total opposite of Magnus right at the moment.

Magnus' eyes lingered on Alec for a second before he turned his head to look at the blank page in his sketchbook. He grabbed his pencil and started to draw Alec as he was on the couch. He didn't know where the motivation to do it came from. There was something about Alec's posture, perhaps the rare calm on his features or the silence surrounding him. His stance, so confident as he moved his fingers over the paper, the thought of the amount of information Alec must handle at any given time to understand the difference between a symbol and the next. Right then, Alec was the embodiment of calm and he felt like he was losing his mind if he thought that by drawing him he could somehow calm himself. It was worth a try, albeit it was a silly thought altogether.

This wasn't the first time Magnus had drawn him—well the other day he hadn't done it on purpose—but now, he was allowing himself to study his features. Even though Alec was far from him, he could still see the sharp lines and the shapes of his body well. Alec's face had an Italian grace that made him wonder whether the ancestry ran in the Lightwood family. Isabelle looked like an exotic Latin beauty, so, it wouldn't be a far-fetched thought.

Alec also had ridiculously long legs, Magnus admitted to that for the thousandth time as he drew them. He bit back a smile when he watched Alec rubbing his feet together while he was reading. Could it be a habit of his? Magnus hadn't noticed before as he tried to find the perfect angle to draw them. Alec's feet didn't even stop moving and it made Magnus smile as it was just the sort of thing a child would do, or anyone when they were nervous. In Alec, it was just like any other thing as he didn't seem bothered by it. Magnus found it funny, and even cute to some extent, of course. It wasn't like he really knew him just yet anyway.

He started to draw his shoulders and upper body. Alec's chest reflected his steady breathing. Then, Magnus' eyes went back to his face and he took notice of Alec licking his lips before biting his lower lip. For a second, Magnus wasn't sure, he thought he might have just seen Alec's cheeks flushed. Was he actually blushing? Magnus tilted his head to get a better view, with better light on his face. Yes, Alec was blushing and now Magnus was a bit curious about what he was reading.

Magnus shook his head. He should focus on more important things, like his commision. However, he was indeed drawing Alec and he needed to be a professional artist albeit caretaker, and not get lost in other things.

He was about to finish his work when his stomach rumbled, letting him know it was already lunchtime, and he had spent almost four hours pretty much being totally unproductive—well, he had made some notes and sketches and had a full drawing of a blind man reading Braille on the couch which didn't really count as a valuable piece for his project, not that Alec's body wouldn't be a great subject for a painting, sue him—. He closed his book and tossed it aside, along with his pencil and then he stood up.

He stretched his body, tilted his head to the sides a couple of times, and tried to let out some tension. He walked to the parlor, throwing himself on the other end of the couch. Alec lifted his head and opened his eyes immediately, looking confused at Magnus' direction.

“Alec,” he started, seeing the other was trailing one of his hands on the couch as if looking for something while holding the book steadily on his legs. Magnus noticed a bookmark at the crook of the back and the seat. He bent forward and grabbed it, “it's here,” he said placing it on the book, next to Alec's other hand, so he could touch it.

“Thanks,” Alec said and closed the book before pulling his legs back from the coffee table and putting his feet on the rug. He looked at Magnus, holding the edges of the book with both hands. “Did you want anything?” He asked and Magnus thought about Alec's spidey sense.

“Actually yes. I'm thinking about grabbing something to eat, I need a distraction, so, I was wondering if you might, I don't know.... perhaps wanna join me?” Magnus blurted out with a little hope in his voice.

“I… I don't know… Are you sure?” Alec asked surprised and then his expression turned hesitant.

“Yes, of course! There's this nice Thai Restaurant on the corner of Hicks and Montague, we passed by the other day,” Magnus assured him, even gestured with his hands although Alec couldn't see him. This was a bit of more progress.

“Oh, okay, I'm just… I'll just get my shoes and my wallet then,” Alec said and placed his book on the couch next to him, and started to rub his palms against the denim on his thighs.

“Sounds like a plan,” Magnus said and he could tell Alec was nervous, he remembered how their walk had ended the last time and for a second thought that having invited him was not a good idea after all. Magnus needed to be careful this time, though. It had to be a different experience for both of them because he knew Alec wouldn't go out of his own volition that much. If any, really.

And the first time they'd gone out, although they had spoken then and had said they were going to have a fresh start, that had gone down the drain. He knew Alec wasn't okay when they went out; he'd felt his hands sweat and sort of trembling. And then the migraine and that had been the catalyst to a series of misunderstandings that had ultimately led them to where they were now, back to starting over. For the second time.

“Okay,” Alec said and stood up, “I'll be right back,” and Magnus watched him go around the couch and upstairs.

Magnus stood up as well and went to the kitchen to get some water before grabbing his iPhone from the dining table. He took his wallet from his back pocket and made sure he had enough money—thank goodness this job was allowing him to have some spare cash—. He left his AirPods on his backpack and tried to tidy up a little, putting his sketchbook and pencils next to it. He wasn't fond of leaving a mess, much less in a house that wasn't his.

By the time Alec was back at the entrance hallway, the familiar white Converse on his feet, he was fixing the belt of his iWatch nervously.

“Shall we?” Magnus asked as he joined him there.

Alec lifted his head and nodded, Magnus smiled and went to the foyer, typing his code on the board while Alec opened the door for them.

Magnus thanked him and waited outside for Alec to close the door and was happy to notice that it was warmer than in the morning. Alec shoved his keys into his pocket and was standing next to him nervously.

Magnus grabbed Alec's hand and led it to his upper arm, turning around and walking down the steps.

“Alec, if you're not okay with walking or being there, just let me know, okay?” Magnus started to speak as he was watched where he stepped on the way down.

“Okay,” Alec whispered. Magnus could see he was nervous. For some reason, Alec had accepted to go out with him for lunch. Just that was an amazing feature. Just the day before they were about to pull each other's eyes out and now they were trying to make amends to each other. Well, as much as it was possible. He could see Alec was struggling with going out, his breathing had quickened and his grip on his arm was getting tighter.

“We can go back anytime,” Magnus reassured him and soon they were walking on the sidewalk up on Remsen Street. Alec followed Magnus confidently even though he seemed nervous when Magnus looked back at him over his shoulder.

“I'm okay Magnus,” Alec said and Magnus felt him moving his thumb on his upper arm. He was still nervous and perhaps that was just a tick off him to calm down.

Magnus couldn't help but look at Alec every five seconds to check that there wasn't anything strange on his face or something similar to that anguished expression he had seen on him the other day. However, he couldn't see anything and that was okay right then.

“Here we are,” Magnus announced as they stopped in front of the restaurant.

“Have you been here before?” Alec asked as he stopped next to Magnus, not letting his arm go.

“Yup and it's a nice place called 'Lantern',” Magnus said and looked at the building, “it has deep red brick walls and has wide floor-to-ceiling windows in the front,” Magnus said without thinking, then he looked at Alec immediately when he realized what he was doing, noticing the other man soft smile, and his eyes moving around. Magnus own anxiety started to dwindle and he continued, “there are tables in front of the building,” Magnus noticed there wasn't a free one, “but all of them are taken, so I guess we'd better go inside. I'm really hungry.”

“Yeah,” Alec nodded and Magnus started to walk toward the entrance, “thank you,” Alec said in a low voice behind him.

“What for?” Magnus frowned.

“For describing the place,” Alec's tone was the same as before. He couldn't hear any ill intentions or anger or anything similar to bad vibes in it. The day was still going fine if not for his lack of real inspiration, but, if all could go on this smoothly with Alec, he'd call it a big win.

“Oh, I saw it in those videos, the ones I told you about?” Magnus gestured with his hand,  unwittingly pulling his arm out of Alec's hand, “oh, sorry,” he apologized. Alec stopped hand in the air.

“No problem,” Alec said when Magnus stretched his arm out, against his hand again, “threshold?”

“No, no threshold,” Magnus looked down as they stood at the door.

As soon as they stepped inside, Magnus looked at the bar. The man behind it was on the phone but greeted them with a nod and a friendly smile and gestured around the place. Magnus got what he meant by that and looked around for a table for them. It wasn't that busy even though it was lunchtime and it helped the atmosphere of the place. At least he could appreciate it better.

“Okay, the place is almost empty,” Magnus began to talk.

“You said it's a good restaurant,” Alec interrupted him and Magnus rolled his eyes before looking at Alec, noticing a sheepish smile on his face.

“Alexander, you just didn't…” Magnus said dramatically and Alec looked away.

“It's better that it's not that full, though,” Alec turned back to Magnus, and Magnus couldn't help but notice a slight blush on his face.

“Okay, there are tables in a row in the middle of the place and there are some in a row along the wall on the left. There's no one eating along the wall,” Magnus said and looked back at Alec, “where would you like to seat Mr. Lightwood?” Magnus asked politely, biting back a smile while holding back the urge of bursting out in a laughter as Alec's expression didn't help either. The joke got lost somehow as Alec rolled his eyes more in annoyance at the name than at the joke itself apparently, for he didn't say much about it and simply shrugged it off.

“Table along the wall would be great,” Alec said and Magnus started walking without hesitation.

He took Alec's hand in his when they reached a table almost at the end of the place, and put it on top of a chair's back, and then he took his other hand, and did the same but on the edge of the table.

“You've really been watching those videos,” Alec stated as he pulled the chair to himself and sat down.

“I told you so!” Magnus claimed as he took a seat across from Alec and watched him leaning to the side, supporting himself by placing his forearm on the top of the table as he was busy with his other hand, and then he saw him place his iPhone and wallet on the table.

“Please, don't tell me you're going to use that high-tech-mail-reader app of yours for the menu?” Magnus asked preparing himself for the disappointment if that were the case.

“It's not that...I just didn't want to sit on these,” Alec said, tapping his stuff and them resting his forearms on the table, bending forward, “I was hoping you'd read it for me.”

“Oh, thank goodness, I thought for a second there...sorry...but just so you know, I can read any menu better than that app, just watch me,” Magnus said relieved. They were really taking baby steps now and it all depended not only on Alec's ability to trust him but also on his own ability to not assume the worse even if Alec's past actions had made him wary of everything the man could do. It seemed like his hopes were spiking high and he needed to be careful, no matter what. It was better to be prepared for the worst and just be surprised when little victories like this took place. Maybe they were actually going on the right track. So far, so good Magnus, he told himself.

“I guess you have suggestions for me as well,” Alec stated with a little teasing in his voice, to which Magnus couldn't respond at once. Yeah, right track it was.

Magnus snorted, “but I do, my dear Sir,” Magnus answered as he opened the menu. His response made Alec chuckle and he was glad, more for himself than for Alec if he was honest. They needed a little light conversation, something silly that would help them build that trust that they so desperately needed. He looked at Alec and then back at the menu, “the thing is, I don't think you can actually eat it, though,” he added under his nose.

“Why not?” Alec asked immediately—of course, Mr. Super Senses had heard him—making Magnus roll his eyes and smile to himself.

“Well, because it's too spicy and hot,” he answered without looking at Alec this time but fixing his eyes on the menu.

“You said it's a Thai restaurant so I'd expect the food to be hot and spicy, now, what makes you think I can't eat it, again?” He heard Alec asking and moving in his seat. He started to play with his phone, making it rotate on the table.

“'Cuz you're like Spider-Man with those super intensified senses of yours,” Magnus said leaving the menu aside and looking at Alec straight in the eye, “that would be too much for them, wouldn't it?” he deadpanned.

He went back to the menu and only looked at Alec without lifting his head again until the blind man started to laugh aloud. Magnus was staring at him then, lifting his head in slow motion. Alec was leaning back in his seat and was laughing broadly, his mouth wide open, his upper body shaking. Magnus' face softened seeing Alec's laugh for the second time in a couple of days.

Magnus couldn't help but smile himself, “I saw you eating those chicken thighs, believe me, it would be embarrassing,” he commented and Alec shook his head slightly and pushed forward again but his smile disappeared when the man who had been behind the counter walked to them.

They agreed that Alec was going to try Magnus' suggestion another time and they went for some not too spicy kind of food. Alec ordered grilled salmon with mild-spicy mango salad and Magnus went with Pad Thai. They both ordered Thai iced tea to drink.

“So?” Alec asked, nervously fidgeting in his seat again. Magnus saw him and in his head, there were a thousand scenarios as to what could be bothering Alec right then.

“So what?” Magnus asked back confused. Something was wrong now, so he looked at Alec who was leaning back against the back of the chair. His hand was still on the table as he kept playing with his phone between his fingers.

“Why do you need a distraction?” Alec asked hesitantly.

“Huh,” Magnus hummed, “talking about it isn't really a distraction,” Magnus said in a whisper.

“Sorry, I shouldn't have—” Alec blurted our but Magnus cut him off.

“It's okay, Alec, really,” Magnus said, seeing some kind of relief on Alec's face, “I've got an order for a commission,” Magnus started, “yesterday morning, I had a meeting with my Uni supervisor and the General Coordinator of Exhibitions at Clave Gallery at NYU, they liked my portfolio but they want one extra piece,” Magnus explained.

“That sounds great,” Alec said and Magnus tried to read his expression. He really didn't want Alec to feel uncomfortable with him talking about his work and career, but it seemed like he was fine with it, so he continued. “It's, it's like a great opportunity, the greatest so far, but I need to come up with something entirely new. I just have no idea what to paint, and...I have to do it by Monday, so there's that.” Magnus sighed when he finished the sentence.

Meanwhile, the waiter arrived with their drinks, leaving them on the table, and left after letting them know that he would be back with their order soon. Magnus watched as Alec carefully searched for the glass in front of him.

Magnus sipped his drink and sighed again, “I'm usually good under pressure, but now I feel like—”

“You're blocked,” Alec cut him off, pulling his glass away from his mouth.

“Pretty much, yes,” Magnus agreed.

“That's sucks,” Alec said right after, making Magnus open his eyes wide.

“Well, thanks Alexander,” Magnus retorted, looking down at his tea and with a bit of apprehension in his voice. Perhaps they were going back to sarcasm after all.

“Nah, what I meant is, I know the feeling,” Alec said, putting his glass back on the table. Magnus could see him calculate the distance and use his hands to do so without spilling it or letting it fall.

Magnus didn't know how to feel about Alec sharing this kind of information with him. He knew that they were starting anew—again, mind you—but he didn't want to step on  forbidden or sensitive territory. He was determined to avoid every single subject that could make Alec uncomfortable. This time, Alec had been the one who brought up the topic and he didn't know how to react or if he should react at all. He really didn't want to blemish their currently pretty nice lunch with some remarks on blindness or something like those awful and bitter comments he had to endure in the last month.

Truth be told, Magnus didn't want to jump into deep water. He knew he could swim in it—he would totally get along with Alec and talk to him about architecture and art and being creative as they had that in common—under normal circumstances, of course. However, water was unpredictable and Magnus didn't dare put his fortune to the test.

He already had so many thoughts swirling in his mind already driving him crazy and he wanted to be careful. They were on the right path, in Magnus' opinion. Sitting in a restaurant with Alec, making him laugh, having been teased by him… by Alec, who really wanted to start fresh. Magnus could notice the effort and the baby steps they were taking. He didn't want to fool himself but he only needed to look at Alec to know from his expression that he was enjoying himself. There hadn't been any sweating or fear as they walked to the restaurant and Magnus could also tell that Alec was insecure when it came to his blindness and being in public, but he'd managed to walk there with him, pretty well this time and now, just sitting there, felt nice. He had talked about how unsure he was about this new project and had the feeling that communication was going to be the key between them but not now, not yet. It was all very new. For both of them. Or so he wanted to believe.

Magnus didn't want to ruin it. At all.

Fortunately, the waiter arrived with their food and left it on the table. Magnus saw how Alec leaned back to give space to the waiter and nervously bent forward again when he left.

“Your fork and knife are by your plate to the left,” Magnus informed Alec but he just placed his palms on the table, on the sides of the plate.

“It smells delicious,” Alec nodded slightly, closing his eyes.

When Alec opened his eyes the next moment, Magnus noticed that he was probably listening to the sounds around them.

“Hey, Alec, is everything okay?” Magnus asked, ripping the paper of his sticks off.

“It's just…” he started, drumming with his fingers, “what if the food ends up on my t-shirt?”

“Alec, let me remind you that you successfully ate chicken thighs with your bare hands, on the street, so you shouldn't be worried about eating here,” Magnus said, seeing him smile immediately, “besides, I've seen you eating at home too. I know you can do it.”

“Yes, I guess you're right,” Alec nodded and started to move his hand but stopped, “what if I shove the glass off the table?” He asked.

“It can happen to anyone and if it does, we'll give them a big, fat, extra tip then,” Magnus said and took a bite from the Pad Thai, “don't worry about it,” he added with his mouth full.

Magnus was observing Alec's every move, how he took his fork and knife in his hands and how he hesitated before pulling the plate a bit closer to him.

“The salmon is covered with the salad, the whole meal is in the middle of the square-shaped plate,” Magnus tried to encourage him, “you can push aside the salad to eat it. The mango is cut in stripes, and it totally looks like you have french fries with your salmon which is an absolute sin… a-and oh God...my nightmares just came to me,” Magnus said, and saw Alec arched a brow at him.

“Nightmares?” He asked and Magnus saw him finally reach for the food in front of him.

“Yup,” Magnus said as he took a bite in his mouth before he went on, “uh-huh, I worked at McDonald's, you know,” he was gesturing with his free hand, seeing Alec taking his first bite, hearing his approval of the meal and then continued, “I needed the money, so I handled the Big Macs and the fries for a while,” he added.

“Hey, I love a Big Mac!” Alec retorted.

“Of course you do, Alexander,” Magnus smiled.

“What?” Alec laughed, “that's good stuff.”

“Uh-huh,” Magnus nodded, “I'm sure there's someone out there who's gonna take you to the big golden rings,” he filled his mouth with another bite from the Pad Thai, “that person won't be me, though. Not ever.”

Alec smiled and shook his head, “I like spicy food, next time I think I'm gonna totally try your suggestion,” Alec said without looking in Magnus' way, continued eating his food.

Magnus stopped eating for a second, staring at Alec, and smiled.

_Next time._

He didn't want to take it seriously but Alec's words were like a promise and for a fresh start, they were pretty great. A fresh start meant getting along, leaving all the awful remarks behind, smiling, having a little chat—or not talking at all but simply enjoying a good meal.

After they finished their lunch and discussed Alec's strange culinary taste—because who on Earth wouldn't eat those delicious macadamia nut-honey pastries, right? Magnus made a mental note to bring one for Alec next week and was surprised when they ended up going dutch, Alec wouldn't let him pay for the two of them even though he'd invited him. Magnus had no idea how Alec knew how much money he had in his wallet or the difference between the dollar bills. He must totally have an app for that too. Damn! Two thousand and sixteen and technology was already controlling everybody's life. They didn't have any dessert and soon, they were outside of the building.

“Thank you for the invitation,” Alec said when Magnus took his hand and lifted it to his upper arm, “I hope it was the distraction you needed,” Alec took a hold on Magnus' upper arm and Magnus nodded.

“Yeah, it was great,” Magnus started to walk.

“You know, if you need some days off, it's okay,” Alec said, following Magnus.

“Nah, it's okay,” Magnus waved him off with his other hand, “but I was actually thinking about something,” Magnus looked at Alec who was looking forward intently.

“Tell me,” he said to Magnus when he wouldn't continue.

“Would it be okay for me to bring my easel to the brownstone tomorrow? I mean, would you mind if I did? It's so that I can try to paint at your place,” Magnus was looking back and forth between Alec and the sidewalk in front of them, he didn't want them to bump against anybody.

“If you have to paint you should really take the day off,” Alec said right after.

“Oh God no! I would totally drive myself crazy all alone at home,” Magnus sighed, “and what if I need a distraction?” He asked and his eyes lingered on Alec who just smiled, his eyes looking everywhere and nowhere around them. Magnus knew by now he was paying attention to their surroundings, perhaps,  while also thinking about what to answer to him.

“Yeah, Magnus, sure,” Alec said, “I don't mind.”

“Oh, thanks,” Magnus felt relieved. He didn't know if he could be productive or not the next day but he wanted to be prepared in case an idea came up and he could just have everything he needed with him and paint. He never knew when his muse would strike. Besides, being alone at home wasn't really a good idea, especially when he was o stressed by this commission and the thick deadline.

“I'll try to be out of your way,” he heard Alec say and felt a nudge on his arm as they walked.

“God Alec, no! You don't have to,” Magnus raised his voice but Alec said nothing, he remained in silence, walking next to him.

Once they were back at the brownstone, each of them went on to do their own thing. Alec didn't take a lot of time brushing his teeth and coming back down to the parlor to continue with his book. It must've been good, as Magnus had never seen him so invested in one.

Magnus also found himself watching him more than once and going back to his sketchbook to fix a detail here and there. Alec was a good model even though he didn't know it and Magnus' pencils seemed to love him. He didn't complain. It was better to be inspired and moving his hand while being creative than sitting somewhere brooding over things he couldn't control.

They did small talk now and then and Magnus helped Alec with his eyedrops again. It was strange, the whole going back to a routine that had started as abruptly as it had ended but it was good. There hadn't been any misunderstandings that day and it was a relief. So far, the day had been good.  

In mid-afternoon, Magnus made some coffee for the two of them and left it for Alec on the coffee table in front of him. Alec just lifted his head and said a quiet thank you, and after a while, Magnus saw him stand up and stretch. He must've been tired after spending the past hour in the same position and he simply smiled.

Magnus heard Alec's phone ringing and saw him answering, his face lighting up when he said Izzy and then he saw him disappear upstairs. He took his mug and finished drinking his coffee on the deck above the garden. He and Meliorn were going to turn that place into something different and that was an exciting project, something to look forward to once he was done with the painting.

He was content with the day. Granted, he hadn't even started sketching what he wanted to do but he felt like _the_ idea was going to get to him anytime soon. He was in need of this, no drama, no bad blood, no ill comments. So far so good.

Definitely.

He heard Alec coming back downstairs at the end of the afternoon and was grateful. He was about to call him as they hadn't done Alec's exercises that day and he still needed a final dose of the drops. He knew they had to be put on later but he had to go home soon and, although he wasn't sure about what Alec did those days when Magnus didn't help him, he didn't want to risk it.

“Make sure to eat something before going to bed, okay? And don't stay up too late reading.”

Alec chuckled at Magnus' words but still nodded.

“It's a good book. I read it a long time ago and it found its way back to me.”

“Really? What's its title?” Magnus asked as they finished his exercises and Alec moved in his seat. Magnus washed his hands and went for his backpack.

“The Perfume, by Patrick Suskind,” Alec stood up and went to the fridge to get some water. “Do you know it?”

“I haven't read the book but I've heard of it. Catarina and I did watch the movie, though. Alan Rickman was stunning as always and Ben Whishaw did an incredible job. Plus, the aesthetics! God, I really loved that.”

“Yeah, I remember it, Izzy and I went to the movies to see it. Once, she was watching it again on TV and I heard it in the background. It brought the whole experience to a brand new level. I think I had a man crush on Alan Rickman for his voice only.”

“Oh my God, Alexander Lightwood! I can totally relate to that.”

They laughed at the comment and Magnus said his goodbyes. He left Alec in the kitchen and walked out of the house, making sure to set the house code and locking the front door before leaving.

It had been an unproductive yet fine day indeed.

Magnus started to feel productive _after_ he arrived home. Time flew so fast, he didn't even notice it until he needed to turn on the lights in his workroom. Still, he checked the time on his phone, even though his body and mind were already telling him it was time to get ready to sleep.

He was laying in bed after taking a relaxing bath, waiting for the polish to dry on his toenails when he grabbed his iPhone from the nightstand to check Pinterest. However, instead of opening the application, he hit on the iMessages.

He hit Alec's name, seeing his last text in the blue bubble.

He typed a message, his thumb lingering over the blue arrow sign for a couple of seconds, maybe for a minute before taping on it.

**Hey, do you really not mind me bringing my easel?**

It was after 10 pm and he realized that he shouldn't have sent that message so late, after all, he might have been sleeping and Magnus didn't want to wake him up.

He was startled when the familiar buzz came to be as the screen lit up at the same time, seeing Alec's reply in the notifications.

**I really don't mind, Magnus. Good night.**

He was smiling as he read the message and unlocked the iPhone immediately, typing a quick reply.

**Okay, thanks. Good night, Alexander.**

Magnus placed the phone on the nightstand, switched the light off, and rolled on his side. He pulled the cover over his body, closing his eyes as his head hit the pillow.

“Damn it,” he cursed and his eyes popped open.

He had forgotten to check his toenails. He shrugged and closed his eyes again. He had no more energy left to repaint them if he had ruined them, it didn't really matter.

 

***

 

Alec had woken up earlier that day and was done with his workout before Magnus' got there. He'd finished the book during the night, actually going to bed very late, but he wasn't really feeling tired. He'd liked that. Reading gave him a peace of mind he'd always needed and if he had to be honest with himself, peace of mind was the one thing he needed.

What a hard life, he thought, admonishing himself. Well, it was more like he really didn't know what to do with his time anymore. Perhaps, only perhaps, he'd explore whatever Magnus had brought to his home in the previous weeks. He knew where the games and other stuff were on the shelves in the dining room and remembered clearly when Magnus and his mom had had that conversation about super-sized Jenga blocks. What was it about them again? Oh, right, they had velcro glued on every side.

The day before had been a complete surprise in itself. He had really enjoyed the book. There was something about having read it before and having put that imagery to work in his mind because now, when he read it again, he could imagine everything from a very different point of view. When they described Grenouille, the main character, he could actually not smell him. And then, when he started to experiment, he could feel every smell in his nose. He laughed at himself.

Magnus' invitation for lunch had come as a bigger surprise that day. They weren't playing games anymore, this was the real thing. They were both trying to make amends and get along and leave past grievances in the past and he was grateful Magnus wouldn't bring up every bad comment he'd ever thrown at him. Not that he'd meant them. No, scratch that, he'd meant every mean word, he'd just...he'd been trying to prevent himself from being hurt.

He didn't want to depend on anyone but himself. Those who'd claimed to have loved him, and those he had loved, well, either he'd pushed them away or much rather looked after him from the sidelines. Alec knew he'd hurt everyone who cared for him, and he had to make amends to them as well, starting with his mom. As soon as he felt brave enough to call her. Which had to be soon, otherwise, he'd hear from her on Monday when she came with his food.

Anyhow, he thought, the restaurant had been good. He knew he was crazy about checking for every sound around him, particularly in new places. He didn't know where the paranoia came from as he was safe, Magnus had made sure of that. He'd described the place for him, allowing him to see it through his eyes in a way. He wasn't used to that. To having someone near him who would let him be and not treat him like a disabled person in spite of his blindness. To Magnus, Alec was perfectly normal. And until a day or two before, a complete ass. He wasn't wrong though.

He had agreed to let him bring his easel and his paintings and he was kind of excited about it as well. Fine, maybe excited wasn't the right word, however, he had the heebie-jeebies about this new situation. He also knew why. Creating had always been a passion of his and architecture had been his way of expressing his own creativity. Being able to watch a space and then let his mind run wild when envisioning what he could do with it always gave him a thrill. Sitting to sketch on his notebook, drawing the dreams of people who would just pour out what they wanted from their building had always been exciting. However, sitting on his computer and using ArchiCad and every other tool at hand to finally make his ideas take shape, was completely magical. He understood Magnus' apprehension and the hidden excitement he had tried to masquerade the day before. Oh boy, did he know it.

There was also this strange feeling he'd gotten from Magnus' text the previous night.  He had written to double check if Alec was really okay with him bringing his stuff. He had an idea, he could somehow sense that Magnus had been anxious about this commission, which to be honest, sounded pretty important. Maybe he could ask more about it. No, he shouldn't…Disturbing Magnus was the last thing he wanted to do. He knew the feeling when a someone was around and couldn't or rather wouldn't be quiet and just let him work and create. He decided right then he wasn't going to intervene and was going to let Magnus be.

At the end of it all, he was nervous. He knew that. He just wasn't sure about what exactly.

Alec was having breakfast when he heard the key turning in the lock with an unusual and weird noise. It lacked the musical click-clack that it had when Magnus used it. He could always tell when it was his mom, or Jace, or Izzy, and now Magnus, whenever they arrived at the brownstone. He was eating because he felt he had to. There was this feeling in his stomach, something in his gut, which only allowed him to chew on his baguette a little longer before swallowing. He grabbed his mug quickly and sipped his coffee to help push the bread down to his stomach before he went to the entrance hall to see who it was.

He stopped at the threshold to the parlor, right by the hall, when he heard the door open. He tilted his head trying to figure out who had come to the house.

“Oh, good morning, Alec,” he heard Magnus saying surprised, “why are you up so early?” Magnus asked and Alec held back a frown.

“Good morning,” Alec greeted him back as words came to his mouth before he could think, “is everything okay? Do you need help with—?” With what? He stopped himself. He couldn't see what was happening, he hadn't known who it was at his door because it hadn't sounded like anyone he knew and he bit on his tongue when he realized how silly his offering of help was. How could he help with _anything_?

“Thank you, yes, thank you,” Magnus sputtered, and Alec's swallowed hard at Magnus' words. “Here,” Magnus started speaking again just before feeling something pressed against his chest as he grabbed a box almost mid-air by reflex—it felt like a wooden one from the touch of it—, “let me grab the rest of my stuff and pay the driver,” he said in a hurry and Alec heard the familiar sound of Magnus' footsteps out of the house.

He turned around and after he determined where he was standing exactly, he went to the dining room and left the box on the table carefully. He allowed his fingers to move over the wooden work, discovering the fretwork with his fingertips on the top and the sides of the box.

“Careful with that,” he heard Magnus say from behind and Alec stepped back immediately, dropping his hands.

“I'm sorry,” he said, turning to where he could hear Magnus' voice come from and the sounds he made. Then his footsteps were closer and Alec lowered his head.

“It's okay, Alec,” Magnus said softly on his way, “sorry if I startled you, it's my toolbox,” he was standing next to Alec who stepped to the side to give Magnus access to the box, “it's just precious to me,” he added.

“It's beautiful,” Alec said and then clenched his teeth together, “I mean it must be beautiful, according to the woodwork,” he added, scratching the back of his neck.

“Yes, you are right, my dad gave it to me right after he found out I had a bit of talent, to this day I still have no idea where he got it,” Magnus said and Alec smiled.

“Whenever you mention your dad, your voice changes,” Alec stated as he went to the coffee maker in the kitchen.

“Huh?” What are you talking about?”

“Nothing in particular, it's just that I can hear the changes in your voice when you talk about something important to you, like your dad,” Alec stood by the maker and got a couple of coffee pods; “want some coffee?” He asked nervously. Perhaps he shouldn't have said anything. Magnus was quiet for some reason and well, it wasn't his place to meddle.

“Thank you. I didn't mean to interrupt your breakfast, by the way, so, I'll make something for myself and I'll join you,” Alec heard him say from behind, making him stop for a moment. He left the coffee pods by the maker and turned to go to the other side of the kitchen island, sitting back where he had been before.

Alec heard Magnus get busy with the stuff he'd brought as he went back and forth between the foyer and the parlor. He touched the top of the island, searching for his plate and grabbed the baguette as soon as he found it, taking a bite and staring into the darkness.

Magnus' breathing was different as he was busy, Alec could tell as much from just listening to him and from the sound the rubber sole of his shoes made here and there as he moved.

“Okay,” Magnus said somewhere from the parlor before he came to the kitchen.

“Is every—” Alec started to speak while he was still chewing but stopped when he realized he couldn't speak properly with food in his mouth. He cleared his throat after swallowing, “is everything okay?” He asked and reached for his mug but he couldn't find it. He guessed he must have left it somewhere else when Magnus arrived.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Magnus said when Alec started to move his hand on the island's surface, making Alec stop, “here,” Magnus was next to him for a moment, grabbing his hand and putting it on the mug's handle quickly just before he walked around the island.

“Thank you,” Alec said in a low voice and sipped his coffee, then licked his lips.

Alec could hear when Magnus opened and closed cupboards. He also noticed how he put dishes on the island, perhaps that was a mug on the counter on the other side of the kitchen. Then he heard as Magnus opened a paper bag and turn it into a ball as he went to the bin. The thud of Magnus' shoes against the bin to open it with his foot were quite frantic. Magnus seemed to be in a hurry.

“So?” He asked after sipping his drink again when he smelled the familiar scent of the cinnamon pastry.

“So what?” Magnus asked, his voice came from the coffee machine counter and Alec was sure he was there when he started pouring the coffee into the mug.

“Everything alright?” Alec asked again.

“Oh,” Magnus' voice seemed surprised, then Alec heard him placing the mug on the island, sitting down across from him, “yeah, hum, everything is fine, I guess,” he answered.

Alec gave him a faint smile and then lowered his head. He was trying to hide the fact that he was listening to Magnus' movements. He heard as he started to eat. The smell of the man's sweet coffee feeling his nostrils and the incredible smell of the pastry making his mouth water. He hadn't had anything like that in a very long time and that day, when he was feeling so little hunger, he felt like he was going to lose it. Damn! He and his sweet tooth, he thought.

The silence between them was awkward but not uncomfortable. It was just a matter of Alec not knowing what to say or what to talk about. Right then, the only thing he was aiming for was not to feel more out of place than he already did.

As time passed, Alec realized that something was off and not because of the quietness but because of Magnus behavior per se; the way he sighed, the way he could hear him as he fidgeted in his seat, the quick fiddling on the island with his fingers; all of it was simply not in his character.  Alec could tell there was _something_ wrong with Magnus. He just couldn't figure out what.

He felt like he didn't know if he should ask or just give him space. He waited for Magnus to start a conversation, as he usually did but it never happened.

Alec finally stood up, going to the sink to rinse his dish. He had resigned himself to a silent day, which in insight was the total opposite of yesterday. In all honesty, he was already kind of used to the noise that came from having someone around you most of the day.

He re-filled his mug and went back to his place on the island, leaning forward as he rested his weight on his elbows while he had his coffee.

“So,” Alec started, licking his lips after he swallowed the bitter liquid, “are you gonna paint today?” He asked. He couldn't really help himself after all, and he then heard Magnus moving restlessly in his seat.

“Yeah, that's the plan,” Magnus began and Alec could hear the hesitation in his voice.

“I take you already decided what you're going to do?” Alec asked this time. He wasn't being malicious. For some reason, he wanted to know. Magnus wasn't okay, or at least that was what his fidgeting made him believe so far, and although it wasn't really his place to even wonder what was going on, he still wanted to make sure.

He could feel movement but wasn't sure what it was. Then, he heard Magnus sigh and he was pretty sure the man was pouting.

“Actually,” Magnus began, “I do have a bunch of ideas but none is seemingly good enough.”

Alec heard him speak and understood the undertones and insecurities in his voice. That was something he didn't think he'd heard: Magnus Bane, world's most devoted caretaker, was afraid. And the range of possibilities suddenly became broader.

“I see,” Alec said as he walked toward the parlor. “I'll be out of your hair, then. I hope you manage to do everything you've planned, Magnus.”

He spoke the words and meant them.

There was always that moment of thrill when you start a new project, that second when you know creativity struck and an idea was born. It was good that Magnus had ideas, he could start working on them and see where they took him.

Alec sighed as he walked away. He stood for a second by the staircase and heard Magnus moving around the house, the easel as it was placed. He heard the lock in the wooden box as it clicked open and the suave movement of Magnus' hands as he ran them over the woodwork. The smell of oil painting filled his nostrils and he had to close his eyes. He remembered the ones he used to keep on the bottom shelf in his office, under his models. The same he used to paint said models to present them to his clients. He'd always loved creating with his hands. He truly missed that.

Alec shook his head and went upstairs. He brushed his teeth and went to his room. There had been, for the tiniest of moments, a crackle in the air that spoke of ideas and letting your imagination run wild. He felt a pang in his chest and a tingle in his hands. What if there were things he could still make? What if life hadn't really ended for him?

Did he deserve it, though?

 _  
_ Alec had fallen asleep but woke up startled. There had been a loud thud somewhere in the house and he felt suddenly disoriented.

He found his bearings around his room and checked the time.

**< 1:30 p.m.>**

He didn't know he'd been so tired and he'd even skipped lunch. He'd just started thinking about ludicrous things and had fallen asleep dreaming of Lake Tahoe again and of an easel in front of it. A hand was painting it, reflecting the pristine surface and every crook and nook, every rock under the water, a toad pool on a corner, the greenish plants around it. He knew it was a dream because he couldn't see what he knew was on the canvas or the hand that was painting it. He'd simply always had a lively imagination and, even though he was a man of spaces and measurements, that had never prevented him from finding joy in the little things he could see around. He'd always had an eye for art and color and everything that was beautiful. He could still bring those memories to him, recreating them at ease.

He stood up and stretched. Alec knew where his tiredness came from. The day before he'd gone out for a walk and lunch with Magnus. The first time, they'd barely walk a block or so and he had panicked. He remembered coming back home with a searing headache and then that awful migraine.

This time, the experience had been less intense as he'd felt less exhausted physically, but it had been emotionally draining nonetheless. He'd never admit that he'd been apprehensive. He was grateful to Magnus for having taken the time to describe and map out the place for him, for having taken him to a place he'd actually enjoyed. The walk hadn't been so bad this time. Yes, he'd been scared of what he would feel, of what he would do. He was terrified of what could've happened.

He'd tried to be calm and not squeeze Magnus' arm this time. He hadn't dared hold his hand either, he hadn't wanted to give away how nervous he had been.

Alec walked around his room. He made sure he'd put his clothes from the day before away, digging his feet in the soft rug, which usually contrasted with the wooden floor outside. He liked to be barefoot around; it was one of those things that were his. He put his watch on and made sure to grab his book to leave it downstairs in the bookcase.

There was another thud, a bit louder this time, and he turned towards the door. The noise definitely came from downstairs and he thought of Magnus.  

He walked out of his room and started going down the stairs and had to stop. There was another thud and some grunts. He went toward the parlor in silence, the strong smell of oil painting filling the room and hitting him hard. He closed his eyes, memories of his old days hitting him equally hard.

“Fuck!” He heard Magnus say a little further from where he was standing and he came closer to the parlor. He felt a gush of wind around him and he was certain Magnus had opened the windows. Perhaps the ones in the kitchen too?

“Magnus?” He said in a low voice as he stood by the threshold. “Magnus, is everything okay?”

“No! Nothing is okay!” Alec heard him scream and he noticed the desperation in his voice. “I thought it was going to be easier working here! This place, Alexander! I've created here since the first time I walked in! And look at me today! There's nothing! Nothing!”

Alec froze in his place. He could relate so much but what could he tell him?

He heard Magnus' frustration, his pain, how broken he felt. There were times like this for every artist. He remembered the owner of the gallery Magnus had visited, he'd seen him go through a breakdown once because he hadn't been able to draw a thing for a week, and the man's had been just an amateur, not an artist like Magnus.

Hadn't he gone through those times himself? Days in which he couldn't come up with one single design let alone blueprints or a model.

He could hear Magnus losing whatever little patience he still had. He could notice his heavy breathing, how he moved his hands over fabric; was he rubbing his hands on his thighs?

Alec walked into the parlor and bumped into something on the floor. Was that what had fallen earlier? Also, the furniture in the parlor was out of place. He hit something and a sharp pain went through his pinky toe and his foot then up his leg and he winced. Alec's thoughts started to become erratic. Things had been moved, and he was pretty sure Magnus had done so to accommodate his easel and paintings. He hadn't been downstairs, hadn't heard what had been going on earlier, so he didn't know. He moved his hands around trying to find a point that would give him direction, he had no idea of his bearings and panic overtook him when he couldn't identify where he was.

This was the first time it had happened since Alec had committed the brownstone to memory. He'd always known how many steps were there from one place to the next. Where the entrance hall was, and the foyer, the parlor, the kitchen. The steps in each staircase. The number of tiles in the bathroom, the windows in both the parlor, the kitchen, and the office. He knew how long was the couch in the parlor and the distance between it and the threshold, the fireplace, the coffee table, and the armchairs. The foot rest was always at the same distance from the couch to the right so that he always found it.

Right then, he didn't know a thing about his house and that should be bothering him but it wasn't. The only thing he knew was that Magnus was going through a rough moment, from the sound of his voice and the emotions in it. He wanted to be there for him somehow, to give him advice, tell him anything that could help him, but what? He was useless, that hadn't really changed. He finally touched the wall and patted it to know exactly which one.

“Magnus?”

“What?!” Alec stood still. Magnus had never talked to him like that. Not even the other the day of, well, the day of the situation between them. Magnus had gone away, had made it clear he didn't want to talk to him. Now, he was lashing out and he'd been right, something had been going on and it wasn't good. At all.

“Magnus, calm down, I'm sure…” he began but just couldn't. Magnus cut him off.

“I can't calm down, Alec! Don't you see? This is my one chance and I'm fucking it up! I can't do this painting. I can't find it in me to make it work,” Alec heard another thud as if Magnus had kicked something for he heard the swoosh of something passing by his aching foot.

Alec jumped in surprise. Not only was Magnus throwing things around—in a house that wasn't his, mind you—but he was also...sobbing? Alec could hear the man as he lost it and he didn't know what to do.

This was completely out of his comfort zone. For the past three years it had been he on the receiving end of other's sympathy. People had come and go from his life and they had showed him their true colors, had given him a reason to pull back and walk away from them: but Magnus? He was different. He was the kind of man who would be there for anyone. Hadn't he been there for him even when he'd been the most horrible human being on Earth?

How do you comfort someone when you can't accept the same treatment? How can you tell a person you have rejected so adamantly that you understand them even if it is in the minimal of ways?

Alec took a step forward. He was still disoriented. Yes, that was the wall, yes, he had an idea of where he was but no, he had no idea where that was. So he walked forward, taking a few tentative steps; he didn't want to get hurt again, his pinky toe was still throbbing from the pain and he needed to reach Magnus. He didn't know what he was going to say or do. He just needed to get to him.

Somewhere in the room, Magnus was having a meltdown and it struck him harder because Magnus didn't seem the kind of man who would have one. He was always composed, happy. Those were the people who had the worst meltdowns of all.

As he took another step, he stood on something thin and plastic. It felt cold to the touch and it wrinkled under his weight. A few more steps in and it was actually wet, this was thick and it was definitely not water. The smell of oil painting was overwhelming his nose, his own disorientation was making him dizzy but his need to reach Magnus was driving him further, his hands still moving in front of him, trying to find something to hold on to.

He could hear Magnus babbling somewhere in the room, his voice was broken. He heard him cursing and being nasty to himself. He was calling himself a failure, unworthy. He was saying he'd never make it as an artist. Hearing Magnus saying all those terrible things about himself, the self-doubt, the hurt, was a low blow. He heard his frantic movement around the room, he must probably be moving from one side to the next.

He couldn't let him give up on himself; after all, Magnus hadn't given up on him, and he, Alec, was the one who wasn't worthy.

“Magnus stop, please!” He claimed but he only heard more sobs. Damn! If only he weren't blind, he could just get to him. What for, again? He didn't know how to help others. He didn't have it in him to feel sorry for others.

That wasn't true. After all, wasn't he only human?

He continued forward toward Magnus and tripped, falling on his knees. He grunted in pain. He definitely didn't know where he was and that was destroying him for he was truly useless He hadn't complained about losing his eyesight once. He'd taken it as it had been, he'd learned, he'd adapted, he'd overcome even himself. And now? He was on the floor of his own house among things he didn't know. Everything was unfamiliar and the old smells that had brought him peace to him once, were now overpowering his own sense of self-preservation. He was disoriented, was literally walking in the dark and that kind of uncertainty was overwhelming him and he was about to lose control over himself. However, he couldn't do so. He couldn't afford it.

Alec felt dizzy, he was about to faint. He didn't know how to do that, he had no idea how to help others anymore. His knees hurt, his body complained and this time it was him who was frantically moving. He went on all fours and moved forward looking for Magnus. He was touching oil paintings, he was certain then and his shoulder hit something.  

Magnus needed him, though.

“Magnus?! Where are you?! I can't see you, damn it! Where are you?!” He cried for him.

If he couldn't get to him, perhaps he could come to him. He had to try. He had to help him.

“Magnus, please,” he called for him and heard the rustle of fabric and something next to him moving. “Magnus?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hope you liked the fourth chapter of our story.  
> Before you leave, don't forget to let us know what you think of it in the comments, and leave kudos if you want to!  
> Also, as we said in the Note in the beginning, you can tweet to us, letting us know your opinion by using the #LLNWTE hashtag or just find us at: [Tweet to @malec_hun](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?screen_name=malec_hun&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw) and [Tweet to @margeari](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?screen%20_name=margeari&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)


	5. Darksome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus has a deadline to meet and an artist block. Alec finds himself in a position in which it’s necessary for him to step up and help Magnus. This is that part in which they both learn how to deal with each other one day at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to live tweet you can use the #LLNWTE hashtag or just yell at us, [Tweet to @malec_hun](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?screen_name=malec_hun&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw) and [Tweet to @margeari](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?screen_name=margeari&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)  
> Even though we’ve tried to have this chapter out as clean as possible, any grammar mistakes you find are ours and ours only.  
> Enjoy!  
> Love and kisses,  
> Orsi (malec_hun) and Ari (Ariadnem)
> 
> ~P.S. Thank you so very much for everything, Ari~

_Heartbreaks and promises_   
_I've had more than my share_   
_I'm tired of giving my love_   
_And getting nowhere, nowhere_   
_What I need is somebody_ _  
_ Who really cares

_(...)_

_Actions speak louder than words_   
_If you're looking for devotion_ _  
_ Talk to me

 

_[Show Me Love (feat. Kimberly Anne) — Sam Feldt]_

* * *

 

Magnus was just having the worst breakdown of his life. He’d been trying to paint for hours; the brownstone had provided him with the perfect ambiance to focus but it just wasn’t working. He’d gone through his sketchbook over and over, trying to find that one thing that would make his brain work and function and give but nothing was working.

As soon as Alec had gone upstairs, he’d moved everything around the parlor. It had been a whim, really. He could’ve used anywhere to paint: the kitchen, the outside deck, the backyard itself, and yet, he’d chosen the parlor. All the furniture was now pushed toward the kitchen and he knew he’d have to apologize to Alec later on as he would be forced to enter the kitchen through the door down the hall and not through the parlor as he usually did.

He’d brought some plastic tarp to cover everything—he’d never ruin the beautiful wooden floor of that house—and had set to work. Setting up his makeshift studio had been an accomplishment. He’d put his box on the side table that was always by the windows and he’d been ready for it in no time.

Inspiration had just never come.

Everything was silent upstairs and he’d figured Alec had fallen asleep as he hadn’t  heard him around for a while. As the hours passed and he hadn’t made a stroke with his brush on the pristine canvas, desperation started creeping in. He’d never been one to lose his temper but the deadline and the pressure and this was supposed to be his first exhibition and God! Why was it so difficult? He could do this! He could paint!

The first sign of his mood had hit him when he threw the first brush against the canvas. It had bounced to the floor and he’d grunted in frustration. How long had it been since he’d started? Alec was going to come downstairs and he needed to be ready to guide him around the house. He couldn’t keep on wasting time. Alec counted on him.

What had he done to the house, though? He thought as he looked around. Alec was going to flip! And he’d be right to do it! They were already walking over a very delicate thin layer of ice that could break at any time and if they failed this time, then there was no turning back. They wouldn’t have a third fresh start. That was ridiculous. This was it. He couldn’t blow it.

Still, he needed to paint, he’d admonished himself. For once, he needed to be selfish, work on his success, forget about the world. He got this. He could do it.

The next time he’d lost his temper, he’d kicked the table where his box was and it had tumbled and fallen down to the side along with his palette, water, and brushes. He’d grabbed it angrily, mad at himself! He was a failure! On what universe was he ever going to work his magic? He’d done this before, he’d worked under pressure and had always come out victorious. His feelings were overwhelming him and he knew it. In spite of that, though, Magnus hadn’t been able to find one single thing that could help him deal with his emotions.

“You’re a joke, Magnus Bane,” he’d told himself.

Berating himself wasn’t going to help him and he knew that too. He needed to find himself, to find his balance. He knew better than falling into patterns that didn’t help him. He’d gone through so much back in the day, coping with his mother’s death, being in the system and going from one foster home to the next. His art was everything to him. It had been what had made the difference in his life. Being able to create, to soar away with his imagination had made all the difference. He could get lost doing his own thing, whether in front of the canvas or the potter’s wheel. It was his lifeline and he was good at it. His sketchbook was full of new things and ideas. Why weren’t they just good enough? His magic was gone, he thought.

He’d kicked his box while it was on the floor, and he had felt bad. It was such a precious thing to him. Luke had given it to him with so much love that he felt extra bad about it. His dad didn’t deserve that, even if he would never come clean and tell him about the box, and he shouldn’t have done it in the first place. And so, he couldn’t help the tears coming down his eyes. He felt frustrated and angry and why the hell wasn’t he able to paint something? Why was inspiration so elusive right then?

He’d been in the middle of it when Alec came downstairs. He heard him ask him to stop, but he hadn’t been able to. He was overcome by his own emotions, drowning in frustration and the rage he was feeling because of not being able to create. He thought of Raphael then. This was a conversation they’d never had as Raphael had never moved a finger to introduce him to a plausible sponsor or had ever opened his gallery for him. Only once had it ever come up and it hadn’t been with him but with Ragnor.

_You have to keep your head cool and understand that being an artist comes with great work and sacrifice. Don’t expect anything to be given to you; earn it and the doors will open wide for you._

“I’m a failure, damn it! Why would they want me if I can’t do this?! I don’t deserve this chance...I’m so unworthy…” his thoughts had betrayed him as he had stood close to the dining room. He hadn’t earned a thing, no wonder every single door was closed to him. The parlor was a mess, the paint in the palette was smeared over the tarp and a tube he hadn’t closed off properly had opened and was halfway spilled while the others weren’t in a better condition. He wasn’t that careless with his things. The fuck was wrong with him?

He was having a meltdown in Alec’s house, a house Alec himself had opened to him so that he could paint, and he was also full of shame right then. He could keep that for later, though. His lack of progress was more devastating.

Alec had talked to him then, had asked him to calm down but he wouldn’t hear him. He was closed to everything, to listening to him, to following any advice, and why would Alec even try to get him to stop anyway? It wasn’t as if he cared, or was it? They weren’t friends, they didn’t have to get along. He hadn’t wanted to listen to him. So Magnus had done the unthinkable and had snapped at Alec, screaming at him, telling him how he, Magnus, was fucking everything up. His own future was at stake and he was destroying it himself.

The exhibition was supposed to be his chance at success. It was the first step of many to make his name known and his art appreciated. He knew he had what it took to be one of the greatest, but was still in diapers compared to those. Once he was acknowledged, Magnus knew he could be free to just create. His studies, although important to him, could be a side thing to do. He could focus on one thing at a time. He wouldn’t need to worry about anything. He could stop working with Alec, get off his air and leave him alone. If only he could.

However, Magnus had heard a loud thud in the midst of the moment he was having but didn’t pay attention to it. He wasn’t looking at anything, his eyes were unfocused, his mind completely distracted making everything around him feel distorted. This wasn’t his idea of creating! He was supposed to be at his best! He wasn’t the sort of artist who was broody and needed suffering to be his inspiration.

_Magnus, stop, please!_

He had seen Alec then as the man staggered and winced in pain. For that one second, he wanted to go to him but what for, really? Alec could deal with things on his own, hadn’t he showed him that much? And it had happened more than once at least. It had just proven to him that he wasn’t a good caretaker after all. It was true that he was unprepared, however, what he lacked in studies he compensated with a willingness to learn. Perhaps Alec would be even better off without him. All he knew right then was that he was not the person Alec needed. He had never been. And that had suddenly weighed on him heavily, bringing him further down.

_Magnus?! Where are you?! I can't see you, damn it! Where are you?!_

Alec’s voice and the pain in it made him snap out of whatever delusion he was in right then. He could see the mess that was Alec’s hair from above the armrest of the now misplaced couch and nothing more—Alec had been keeping his hair so long lately, it was hard to miss—.

Magnus looked around for what felt like forever. There was paint all over the tarp and thank goodness he’d thought about it. He’d never forgiven himself if the wooden floor of the brownstone had ended up ruined. His easel was tipped over against the window and the canvas was dangerously close to falling face down on the floor, and the furniture was definitely not in the place he’d moved it to.

Magnus heard him again and rushed to Alec’s side this time. He found him on his knees, and Alec had oil paint smeared all over. His knees, legs, and hands matched the colors on the tarp and everything around him. Well, at least he’d created some sort of an artistic vision even if it was in a morbid kind of way. He’d been clearly in pain and the image had forced him to get back to reality.

_Magnus?_

He sobbed loudly and cleaned his nose against his shoulder. His eyes must’ve been swollen but he needed to put Alec first. The man was right, he couldn’t see, he was there, lost in a house he couldn’t recognize at the moment, Magnus was certain of that. He was also certain he had made a big mistake by bringing his things to the brownstone and by changing everything just to accommodate his selfishness. He hadn’t thought things through. He was disrupting Alec’s life, his home, and he had no right to do so.

However, the instant Magnus kneeled next to Alec, his mind went blank. Alec had come to him for some reason and, at first, he didn’t know how to respond to that. Still, he reached out to Alec as well, a response purely based on instinct as he touched his hand in the most ethereal way, just to be trapped by Alec in a frantic hold.

Alec grabbed him awkwardly from the neck and pushed him against his shoulder. Magnus stayed there motionless, not sure as to how to react. Alec was sobbing, was distressed, and yet his words hit him harder than a full blown would have.

“Don’t you ever say you’re a failure, Magnus. You’ve put up with me for weeks and haven’t left yet, you keep trying to get to me even when I push you away or say things I’m not supposed to. You’re not a failure, Magnus Bane. I don’t know what’s going on with you, hey, I barely even know you, but I know you are not a failure,” Alec said slowly, making sure every word was perfectly clear and Magnus understood that. Alec wanted him to know, even if accepting it was a bit difficult right then.

Magnus felt how Alec leaned back on his legs but didn’t let go of him and Magnus buried his face on the crook of Alec’s neck, his hands resting on his legs closed in a fist as he tried to regain his composure. He felt tears welling up on his eyes, forcing him to keep himself in check, not giving in to despair. He lifted his hands then, holding on to Alec’s arms, as he wasn’t able to contain himself anymore and let go, crying in silence.

This was him, Magnus, blowing up his one chance and here was Alexander Lightwood, a man who’d been awful to him not so long ago, trying to comfort him. Strange, he knew, but there was nothing ordinary about whatever relationship they had anyway. It was the kind of comfort he hadn’t known he needed at that moment.

“I’m not much, but I’m here for you...I just...I just need you to teach me where everything is so that I can move around again without getting on your way,” Alec said in a low voice and Magnus chuckled at his words. He moved back, mirroring Alec’s position and cleaned his nose with the back of his hand.

“I’m so sorry...I’ve made such a mess…” Magnus took a look around and saw the damage caused. Alec’s hands were covered in paint and so were his clothes, his sweatpants stained all over. Magnus had contributed to it even when he hadn’t really meant it, he knew that, but how could he explain anything to him? Magnus covered his face with his hands. He felt ashamed. He wasn’t used to losing his temper like this. This wasn’t him and reacting as he had just done due to his lack of inspiration was out of character. He was definitely not sure as to what had just happened to him.

He was feeling hopeless and he wasn’t used to that either. Besides, he had always had Luke to cheer him up or the Frays, and he hadn’t mentioned anything to them just yet. And now, how could he? They’d think he was a failure, and just the thought of it was unbearable.

Magnus took a deep breath and then looked around. The house was a disaster and it was his doing. He was a mess himself and he had to be honest about it then, he still wasn’t in control and he knew better than that and Alec, well, he had already checked him and if he was in such a state himself well, he had to admit, it was also his fault.

Thank goodness for fucking plastic tarp or else, he’d have to work for the Lightwoods until the next century just to pay for the damage he would have caused to the house, he mused.

“I’m sorry, Alexander,” he began, his voice sounding remorseful as he lifted his head to look at Alec for a brief second, “and thank you,” he added, lowering it again and burying it in his hands one more time. For once, he was thankful Alec couldn’t see at all or at least he couldn’t see him; otherwise, he didn’t know if he could have managed the pity in Alec’s eyes.

Magnus turned to look at Alec who was in silence, nodding at his words, and at that moment, he felt he understood a sliver of Alec’s reluctance to accept other people’s help and his reticence to accept people’s pity. It made sense to him then as he saw himself reflected in Alec’s actions albeit they would do things in a very different way. Where Alec would be snarky and ready to jump at other people’s throats, Magnus realized he was ready to do it to himself.

“Magnus, you don’t have to be sorry,” Alec said and then moved, “I just...I don’t know what’s going on here, but if you don’t mind, I think I need you to help me get upstairs.”

Magnus saw him move his hands in circles in front of him and nodded. They were still sitting on their legs on the plastic and there was oil paint everywhere. And if Alec tried to stand up—like he just did—, then the house was going to actually suffer after all, for Alec would spread paint everywhere as he found his whereabouts.

“I’ll help you,” Magnus stated and stood up and then assisted Alec in getting to sit properly on his butt.

“This is paint on my hands, right?” Alec asked and Magnus saw him move his hand toward his nose, so, he simply hummed affirmatively. He tried to stop him but he wasn’t quick enough and Alec got paint on his nose as well. Magnus shook his head. He hadn’t been able to shake off the unease he had. He still had this sinking feeling in him that told him he was all those horrible things he’d been telling himself when Alec had showed up. He’d still lost control and hadn’t been able to handle that situation. Alec had gotten himself caught up in the middle of a situation that wasn’t his to deal with.

Magnus blushed out of embarrassment. He needed Catarina, Ragnor, and Raphael. He needed to get wasted and forget about the whole commission. He needed to stop feeling like he was. He couldn’t handle it at that very moment and he knew it. And he most definitely needed to clean up around and make sure Alec was alright.

“Let me tidy up enough to take you upstairs. Your hands and feet are covered in paint, Alec. Damn! I’m so sorry,” Magnus let his head fall over his chest one more time. He was mortified, seeing all the ruckus he had created. However, he saw Alec moving his hand and his long fingers trying to reach out to him and touch his arm, patting it lightly. He looked at Alec’s hand and then up until he was looking Alec straight in the eye.

“Stop beating yourself up. You haven’t seen mess until you see me on a bad day,” Alec said and Magnus noticed the rictus in his mouth as he spoke. Was that remorse in Alec’s face? If the way he’d treated him until just a few days ago was of any indication, he understood why his family had just taken a step back, albeit not giving up on him entirely.

“Are you telling you can be even worse?” Magnus tone of voice gave away he was teasing him and he smiled as he saw Alec’s mouth turn into a knowing smirk. “Look, I’m really sorry,” he was trying to find the words to help him express himself better but he knew he couldn’t really do it, there were no words, and would utterly fail, “I shouldn’t have asked you to let me paint here in the first place. You shouldn’t have seen me having a bad day. I guess I’m under more pressure than I thought I was.”

“Honestly, Magnus. You don’t know what a deadline is just yet,” Alec chuckled, a flash of something crossing his face but Magnus couldn’t make out what it was. There were so many conflicting emotions on Alec right then that Magnus still hadn’t figured out what was going on. He still wanted to try and light up the environment and so, when he spoke again, he tried to make Alec think about something else.

“And now we’re going to start comparing notes on how bad we can be on a bad day?” Magnus chuckled. He couldn’t stop thinking for a moment about improving their relationship or about the baby steps they were taking. He was also thinking about how to get his feet clean and go upstairs without ruining the brownstone, because why did he have to be so careless, but then he took a look at Alec and he stopped.

“It’s not that, Magnus, I…” he noticed Alec lingering in the words and saw him change his position and instead of pulling his legs against his chest, he crossed them, “when I lost my sight, I couldn’t bear having anyone around me. It didn’t matter if it was my mom or Jace, or Izzy, hell, I wouldn’t even let my dad near me. I tried to push them away with everything I had.  Whatever you did here, I’m sure it was nothing compared to how I reacted back then, or to how I still react sometimes…I…I couldn’t bear…” Alec trailed off, apparently uncertain as to how to say what he wanted and Magnus simply looked at him.

“The pity,” Magnus ended for him, stating what was probably a little obvious right then, “I think I can begin to understand it,” Magnus said, looking at Alec in the eye. This was a different side of Alec that Magnus wasn’t sure how to respond to but it was honest and open, something that got him thinking. He still didn’t understand how his own sensitive reaction to something ridiculous Alec had said had brought them there, to the two of them talking and not trying to eat their heads off. Whatever it was, he would try to reciprocate it as best he could. “Alexander, the thing is, I’ve never done this. I’ve never felt like this before. In my days of lack of creativity, I’ve just waited for my muse to come back or I’ve looked for it somewhere else. This time…”

“You have a deadline and you’re not used to working under pressure. Ain’t that right?”

“No, Alexander, I’m not.”

Magnus was conflicted, utterly sad, and had no idea how to deal with his frustration. He was opening to Alec, trying to express himself while still feeling as if he couldn’t. At least not fully. Then, Alec nodded and sighed and Magnus saw how he tilted his head—a tick he’d begun to notice lately— and turned to look toward the windows without really seeing anything.

“I really am sorry about the mess,” Magnus said in a lower voice and Alec nodded one more time, “but before I get this place straightened out, let me help you to the shower and then I’ll fix something for us to eat. Sounds good?”

Alec started mumbling something and Magnus opened his eyes widely. He surely wasn’t thinking he was going to get him into the shower and Magnus smiled softly at the sight of a slightly flushed Alec.

“Let me get my rag and I’ll clean your feet first, is that okay, Alexander?” at his nod, Magnus finally moved, searching for the rags he usually kept with him when he was working. He came back to Alec and sat back in front of him. “Give me your foot,” he nudged Alec on his knee and the man stretched his leg until he could grab it and pull it over his own.

“You don’t have to do this, Magnus,” Alec muttered, perhaps more embarrassed than Magnus initially thought he was and he shook his head.

“I moved all the furniture in the parlor, I covered everything in plastic tarp but I never thought I was going to lose my mind and much less that you were going to show up and get all dirty. As I’ve said before, this isn’t me normally,” Magnus started saying as he took care of Alec’s feet. He’d gotten oil paint in between his toes and Magnus heard him giggle and try to recoil. “What’s going on, Alexander?”

“It tickles,” Alec answered and it was now Magnus who blushed. He stopped cleaning  Alec’s foot immediately and just looked at him, sitting all awkwardly on the floor, his legs poorly stretched because of the lack of room and a silly smile on his face because of his ticklish feet. “Are we done already?” Alec asked, forcing Magnus to get back to reality.

Magnus didn’t know how to answer then and just continued with the task at hand. He cleaned both of Alec’s feet as best as he could and helped him get up. Alec leaned against the nearest couch and waited for him to finish. Magnus shook his head for the tenth time.

“Are you barefoot too?” Alec asked him and Magnus hurried to say no. He just wanted to reassure Alec that everything was alright. At least from his part. He was ashamed, he couldn’t deny that. He’d come into Alec’s home and had created a havoc that he had never intended to create in the first place. Magnus took his shoes off and left them over the plastic tarp and came to Alec.

“I am barefoot now because my shoes got some paint on them but I’m gonna take you upstairs first and I’m gonna leave you in the shower, okay? You have paint everywhere too, so, I’ll give you time to give yourself a proper bath and then I’ll come and take off the paint from your hands and feet, is that okay, Alexander?”

Magnus noticed as the man blushed and lowered his head. This was an uncomfortable conversation and he still didn’t know how to handle things with Alec but, he kept telling himself, he had to make an effort. Alec had opened his house for him, letting him use it as his own personal studio. Hell, he’d moved things around completely forgetting that something out of place meant Alec wouldn’t be able to move around at ease.

Magnus gave himself a mental kick before focusing on Alec again.

“So, is that okay?” he asked.

“Yes, as long as you don’t tell Jace. He’d never let me live it down, okay?” Alec said, a hint of amusement in his voice, which made Magnus smile again.

“Deal.”

Magnus helped Alec upstairs and they went to the bathroom. Alec sat on the toilet while he waited for Magnus to fill the bathtub with warm water as Alec put his hand in until it was to his liking for the looks of it.

“Do you ever take any baths? I mean, do you have any bubble soap or anything like it?” Magnus asked and he looked around and on the cabinet over the sink.

Alec chuckled and Magnus wouldn’t understand why he did so. Here was a man who hated his guts until a week or so ago and whom he could barely stand himself. They’d come a long way, they were still figuring things out even if he couldn’t explain it all to himself, and yet, they were trying. Regardless, all it took was for Alec to chuckle to take Magnus by surprise. He didn’t really like it. No matter how nice the sound of it was.

“Did I miss the joke?”

“No, sorry. Izzy always brings stuff to try out here. Check under the sink, she’s always leaving stuff here too,” Alec said signaling to the side toward the sink and Magnus stood there for a moment just watching him. Alec was wearing his comfy clothes, because of course, he’d been resting, and his hands and feet still stained with paint, it was in between his fingers and now that he was truly paying attention, he noticed that he didn’t only have paint on his face but on his hair too. He didn’t know how it’d managed to get there but well, it suited him. Alec looked good in colors.

“Alexander, again, I’m sorry,” he said as he found a bag of toiletries full with bath bombs in every shape and smell there was.

“Oh God! I remember why I put all that away!” Alec cried as he covered his nose and wrinkled his face. “I have to throw it away, Magnus. All of it. God! That smell is too strong.”

“Oh, sorry, I forgot about your super-heightened senses. My bad,” Magnus grabbed one and hurried to close the bag again. “Eucalyptus and peppermint, do you need some stress relief?” Magnus offered it to Alec to smell it and he just laughed.

“I think you should be the one using that one, Magnus. Is there another one in there?” Alec moved his hands, keeping a straight face.

“Sweet cinnamon pumpkin it is then,” Magnus announced and opened the wrap, letting the ball fall in the water.

“I do love pumpkin pie,” Magnus’ heart did a little jump when he saw Alec’s child-like expression and pout. Magnus nodded as he walked to the door and then turned to look at Alec who was standing, tall as he was, and was now taking his shirt off.

He could see the muscles in Alec’s back flexing as he moved and how his sweatpants fell over his hips and he took a deep breath. This was a sight he knew not many people got to see outside Alec’s inner circle and he knew that the couple of times he’d witnessed it, it had been because one of them had been distressed. It had been the day he’d had to change Alec’s clothes to get him in bed and now when he had been the one distressed. Magnus remembered Alec’s arms and the scars on his right, and he tilted his head just a little. He couldn’t see them from where he was, as they were that small. All was out of the point then. Alec needed his shower and well, Alec was right about something; he needed to calm down.

“Alec? You don’t happen to have another tub in the house for me to use this one in, huh?” he looked at Alec as he spoke and saw him with his hands on his hips, over the sweatpants waistband. That was his cue to get out of there.

“Upstairs. There’s another full bathroom upstairs,” Alec said as if it was the most natural thing for them to be doing.

Magnus noticed Alec had stood motionless since he opened the door and he walked out, telling Alec he’d leave him to his bath and that he’ll come in a few minutes to scrub the paint off his fingers and toes.

Magnus left him and rested his whole body against the door. He hadn’t done anything worth the exhibition and now he was taking care of Alec. Well, that was his job, he knew that  he had just thought being there would help him paint as he could use his time better. Nothing had worked and he’d made a mess of Alec’s home. Now, he needed to help him because he’d ruined the place and Alec was going to have a hard time finding his whereabouts. He knew he shouldn’t have done it and kept telling himself it hadn’t been something ill-intended.

The brownstone had provided hours of artistic inspiration. He had been the one to fail. To himself, to the memory of his mom, to his dad, and to Alec. It wasn’t as if they were suddenly best friends forever. Alec had simply opened his house for him, willingly this time, so that he could paint. He had screwed that one up big time.

He remembered Alec on his hands and knees looking for him; everything about him telling Magnus he’d screwed up big time and now, well, now he was going to help him take a bath. And then later, he might even try to paint again. He just didn’t have any confidence left in him and that feeling was devastating.

_You’re not a failure, Magnus Bane._

If only he could find it him to not be that, he’d be fine.

Magnus walked into Alec’s room and looked for some clothes for him, leaving them on the bed. There was still the mess downstairs and that freaking bath bomb in his hand, which was tempting to use if not inconvenient.

By the Gods, he needed to get a grip and do something about himself, he thought.

 

***

 

Alec didn’t really have an explanation for what had happened. He inhaled deeply, allowing the smell of the bath bomb to fill his senses and he put his legs against his chest, resting his arms on his knees and covering his eyes with his hands. What in the world was happening indeed?

For the first time in a couple of years at least, he had felt disoriented in his own house. It wasn’t only the fact that the furniture had been moved or that he’d hit something and tripped. It was also the fact that Magnus was there and was forcing him to face and do things in a way that wasn’t only new but scary for he hadn’t been out of his comfort zone in years. He’d learned to find his bearings, to have everything under control. This, he not being able to predict the next move or do something that would bring him peace of mind, was completely out of his league.

His family, after all the pushing away he’d done after the accident, had retreated and was there for him as much as he let them. Forcing them to stay away had been the easiest thing he’d ever done because he only needed to scream and be nasty and they would let him be. It had also been the hardest because, in his darkest hours, he’d wanted nothing more than his mom and dad and his siblings by his side. He just hadn’t known to do accept it back then and although he regretted every single moment, he didn’t know how not to do it now.

And then there was Magnus.

It wasn’t as if Magnus was his best friend now and he couldn’t move a finger without him. It was more the fact that that annoying man, and he didn’t really mean it in a bad way, hadn’t given up on him. From day one, Alec had told him he didn’t need him and or didn’t want him around and he had just stayed regardless. Magnus had slowly adapted to his mood swings and together had ended up creating a routine which worked for the two of them. He’d judged Magnus, had thought he was his mom’s spy just to keep him under control, and yet, with a little help from Jace, he’d discovered that Magnus was actually just doing his job by  taking care of him and that he had been the better person by looking after his well-being in spite of everything Alec had done to keep him away. Well, it just didn’t work out.

Alec blushed embarrassed.

He had hurt Magnus a week or so ago by making a comment about his mom, and it wasn’t that what he’d said had affected Magnus, it had been that he’d meant all the poison that had coated his words. He had this idea in his head—because they’d never discussed what had happened—, that it hadn’t necessarily been his words what had affected Magnus, but the way Alec had spit them. He still wanted to ask him one day why he had hidden in the bathroom downstairs to cry but he didn’t dare. Besides, Magnus had never brought it up again and he had no intention of doing it himself.

Alec didn’t deserve people’s kindness and this was proof of that. However, here he was, in his tub, waiting for Magnus to come and take the oil paint from his hands and feet. That was as scary a thought as any. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the edge of the tub. Indulging in things like this was so foreign to him now that he still didn’t know how to take it all, however, that was the situation he was in. Just a while ago he’d been resting in his bed and now he was waiting for Magnus to walk into the bathroom and help him. That was definitely not how he’d imagined the day going.

His mother had been the one insisting on him having a caretaker, he thought. He followed this train of thought if only to bring a little bit of order to his erratic thoughts. His mom had pushed him to his limits more than once and now, he didn’t know how to feel about it either. He moved in the water and felt the sandy bomb diluting against his toes. Alec remained sitting, listening to whatever Magnus was doing outside, to the honking of the cars as they passed by the house. He could even hear his own heartbeat. It was fast and erratic and he knew he hadn’t regained any control just yet. He felt desperate then. What was he going to do if he couldn’t maintain the one thing he hadn’t lost in the past three years? When it came to Magnus, nothing had worked that could make him go away. When it came to Magnus, things weren’t his way, but Magnus’, and he was hoping there wasn’t much to it.

Well, this was Magnus’ last month of mandatory employment before his big paycheck anyway, as Alec was sure Magnus was going to leave at the end of that month. He had put up with him for over a month already—or something like that, he wasn’t really sure—so, he had earned the money. Now Magnus wouldn’t have to worry about his studies and could focus on them, and that was a good thing, after all, Magnus was nice and the real deal when it came to taking care of others but there hadn’t been a soul who’d looked after him because of the goodness of their hearts.

Who would anyway?

The water was warm and pleasant and he splashed some of it out of the tub. As soon as he was ready to get out of the tub to go to his room, there was a knock on the door and he heard Magnus as he announced he was walking in. Alec felt more exposed than he was already and that was something he didn’t like either.

“Did you find the other tub?” he asked, trying to alleviate his own mind of the whirlwind of thoughts in it.

“I didn’t look for it, sorry. I decided against it for the time being. I’d need a lot of vodka to be able to manage a pity party in a tub at my boss’ place,” Alec heard him chuckle and walk closer, “I went to your room, got you some clothes out and I’ll make us something to eat once you’re ready. Hope that’s okay,” Magnus said and Alec nodded. They were on the right track, he told himself. Being able to talk like this was good, too. And even if he wasn’t still ready to admit to anyone, he was glad they were in really good terms.

“The water is still warm,” Alec announced shyly as he turned to look toward the entrance but he didn’t know what Magnus was doing. The man was quiet and he couldn’t make anything out of it. That was one thing he didn’t particularly like about his blindness. He could guide himself through sounds. Silence wasn’t always a good friend of his.  “Magnus?”

“I’m here, I’m just getting a stool. I’m sorry all this is taking so long,” Magnus answered and he felt a pang in his chest. Perhaps his words didn’t get the intended effect because he didn’t know how to speak to others anymore and it was taking a toll, he realized with sadness.

He hadn’t meant anything by it, he knew that, he’d mentioned the water not because he was in a haste, he had just wanted to say something, small talk to avoid the awkwardness.  “Listen, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it...I…”

“Alexander? What’s going on?” Magnus’ words made him frown. He didn’t know how to explain himself without saying the wrong thing again. So, he sighed and leaned against the edge of the tub again. It was time for him to be silent. Perhaps it was better that way. “Here, cover yourself,” he heard Magnus say as he put a hand towel in his hand and Alec felt his blood rushing to his cheeks. He touched the piece of fabric and noticed that it would cover just enough of his privates and he blushed fiercely. The situation was already embarrassing, he knew that much. Alec lowered his head and pushed the towel under the water until he covered as much as he could. There were still some bubbles in the tub but he was certain they weren’t really covering much.

The day couldn’t get any better, he thought.

“Would you rather come out of the tub?” Magnus asked him and he almost jumped out of the water. Alec blushed and waited. He knew he must have been red to his ears because he could feel the heat. However, he just remained sitting there, covering with the towel and shook his head in silence. The sooner they were done with it all, the sooner he could run to his room and get dressed.

Alec felt vulnerable in many ways and it had nothing to do with his very naked self. He’d done that before: after practice during his school years, at the gym or after playing basketball; he shook his head, believing he could shake his thoughts as well. He figured feeling like that had to do with needing help. He was always careful in the way he did things because of that. His mother had asked him not to learn how to cook out of fear of him getting hurt, and he hadn’t needed a knife to have an accident, had he? No. Here was Magnus sitting on a stool outside the tub he was taking a bath in waiting for Magnus to take the paint off him.

He sank deep in the water and felt Magnus moving the stool he said he was getting. Perhaps he was sitting by the side of the tub. He knew there was one in the broom cupboard which he’d pretty much forgotten about until that moment. The next thing he knew, Magnus was talking to him.

“Say again?” he answered as he wasn’t paying attention to him.

“I said I’m going to lift each of your feet and I’m going to clean the paint that got in between your toes. I think there shouldn’t be much of it, since the water must’ve taken care of most of it, so it won’t take long,” he heard Magnus explain and nodded, “and then I’ll check your hands and get them clean as well,” Alec knew he’d never gotten it off on his own anyway, so he just waited. “Alexander, how did you get so much paint in your face?”

“What?” Alec opened his eyes wide, his surprise evident in his gesture. Of course, once he was in the tub, he’d forgotten about the paint and had gotten it all over his face. “Not the way I thought my day would go, honestly.”

“I won’t take long, I promise.”

There wasn’t much he could say. There was only darkness in front of him and he couldn’t even make out Magnus’ face. He’d never seen him and never would and was suddenly curious about it. He remembered Magnus had told him he was Asian American but was now wondering about more details. Perhaps one day soon, he’d ask him about his looks. However, why was he thinking of all this at all? Was it because of the precarious situation he found himself in? Was it because he felt that out of control? Having Magnus help him was just the practical thing to do. He’d gotten himself in a mess, he needed to get out of it. Well, in this case, he needed Magnus to help him clean it up. No pun intended.

“What were you trying to paint, Magnus?” Alec asked him, trying to change the subject. The man had just grabbed one of his feet and was lifting it until it rested on the edge of the tub and he pushed the towel down between his legs. He really didn’t need to flash Magnus what he didn’t need to see. So he waited. They were both quiet for a second or two and then Alec heard Magnus move again and then felt a cold wipe touching his foot, making him jump in surprise.

“Sorry, sorry, I know it tickles but I gotta reach between your toes,” Magnus answered and Alec gave up. He giggled every time Magnus touched his feet, even in the most ethereal way and he had to cover his mouth. He didn’t want to think what Magnus’ silence meant. He couldn’t have so much paint that Magnus wasn’t done in a moment. Luckily for him, Magnus didn’t take that long cleaning both of his feet and then his hands. Time is relative he thought. Perhaps this was an eternity for Magnus, he didn’t know.

Alec blinked a couple of times. He hadn’t been able to help it and had laughed every time Magnus had touched his feet. However now, he was touching his face, cleaning it with a wipe and Alec stood motionless. He could almost feel his breath against his face and that made him feel uneasy. He hadn’t allowed anyone that close beyond his family and therapist and it was something which made him uncomfortable to no extent. Magnus had grabbed him from the chin and was cleaning his eyes and Alec froze. Even when Magnus had put drops in his eyes before, he’d never touched them like he just did. On top of that, he was being careful and that was also something Alec wasn’t used to. He had never allowed another person that wasn’t Lydia to touch him like that. It wasn’t only the fact that it was an intimate moment and he didn’t mean it in a romantic way, it meant that he trusted Magnus and he still wasn’t sure he actually did. He was uncomfortable. Very.

He didn’t need to trust him, really. After all, Magnus was going to be there for only another month. Less than that, if he wanted to be annoyingly accurate. What was the point anyway?

_Breathe, Alec, breathe,_ he repeated in his head until Magnus was done.

“Your clothes are on your bed, on the side to the door, so, get changed and I’ll come to take you downstairs,” Magnus told him and Alec frowned. “Is there anything wrong?” Magnus asked immediately and Alec looked for the right words to be able to express himself. He was a man to be behind the scenes, to create and bring his vision to the world without being in the spotlight. Well, he was. For him, using words meant convincing people to see the world the way he saw it transformed. Lately, it had been about hurting others and keep them away or not say anything at all and keep people away too, no matter what it took.

Talking to Magnus was an ongoing work in progress. There had been times in the past week where he’d hated him with all his gut and it had just been a day since they’d decided to actually start anew. He still didn’t know what had gotten to him that he’d tried to comfort him when he’d lost it. A quid pro quo thing, perhaps? Magnus had been there for him and had helped him when he had needed it. He’d even come all the day way from his dad’s just to make sure he’d eaten properly on the Fourth. Well, he needed to do better, even if it was with words.

“One, it still smells like oil paint,” he chuckled and lifted his hands, “don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind the smell but I thought you’d taken it all off, and two, you still haven’t answered my question,” Alec said as he brought his legs against his chest, crossed his feet in front of him, and hugged his legs.

There was silence and he heard the sound of footsteps moving away from him, which meant Magnus had done just that. He heard his breathing picking up and could picture a shadow of a man who was probably as tall as him standing somewhere a few feet from him, but he couldn’t see the face he didn’t know. He heard Magnus sigh, finally, and then he heard him inhale before starting to speak.

“I haven’t changed my clothes and I’ve got paint all over myself too,” Magnus answered and Alec nodded. Of course, he thought. “Your spidey senses are as sharp as ever” he ended and Alec turned towards him.

“My what?” he asked Magnus before snorting.

“Your spidey senses? I mean, you can feel and hear anything around you, huh?”

“I don’t have any spidey senses,” he retorted.

“Yes, you do.”

“No. I don’t.”

Alec laughed at the exchange between them and soon they were both in silence again. He regained his composure. He was hungry, tired, and wouldn’t object spending the rest of the afternoon in bed and out of Magnus’ way.

“Alec, again, I’m sorry...I…” he noticed Magnus started to talk again, a serious tone on his voice but he felt like they couldn’t continue going around the bushes with things.

“Stop it, Magnus,” he began and then he sat up properly on the tub. The water was getting colder now and he needed to get out of it and go to his room. “Just don’t ever say you’re a failure. You’re my caretaker, my mom has kept you here in spite of my objections, and although you’re not my friend, you’ve always treated me like I’m a regular human being, and those are just facts. If you put into painting one-tenth of the anger you felt when you couldn’t paint, then you must be a hell of an artist. Besides, today, you gave me something no one had given in the past three years.”

“Alexander, what are you talking about?” Alec heard the surprise in Magnus’ voice and he sort of bit his lip.

“The oil paint…” he paused and took a deep breath before continuing, “it brought back memories of me and my old self. I always liked to paint my models with those and well… I bet there’s still some down in my office, probably all dried out by now. The point is, I hadn’t remembered that in a long time, but today, its smell, its feeling in my hands, it made me go back to happy times, so thank you. Now if you don’t mind, I’ll get dressed and come downstairs for the lunch you’ve promised me.”

“I’ll wait for you by the stairs to get you to the kitchen then,” Magnus offered and Alec slumped his shoulders just a little. He was beginning to feel the cold water creeping all over his body and just wanted to get out of it.

“Through the kitchen door down the hallway by the stairs?” he asked.

“Yup,” Magnus answered and he could tell Magnus was getting a bit worked up standing where he was.

“I think I can make it to the kitchen on my own,” he said. He really didn’t want to be in Magnus’ way. He was sure the man was still seething over what had happened and if he was still apologizing, then, he could perfectly make it downstairs.

“Alexander, I have no doubt you can make it, I just…”

“If you say you’re sorry again I’ll be mighty pissed, Magnus,” he warned him.

“All my life all I ever wanted was to create things with my hands and I’ve always been good at it but today, out of all days, I couldn’t do that. It’s stressing the shit out of me and I don’t know how to handle it, so, just let me be helpful.”

The sort of plea in Magnus’ voice made Alec think. When all fails you go back to the one thing that can keep you afloat. For years, architecture had been his lifeline, the one thing he could always turn to if only to abstract himself from the world. When he didn’t have his eyes anymore to be able to do his thing, what did he do? What was the one thing that had helped him be back to a functional human being?

“I won’t take long, then,” he said when he couldn’t find a proper answer. He started getting out of the tub and heard Magnus walking out in a rush, closing the door behind him.

God. He really wanted to get out of there, he was cold and it was awful enough that he’d been pretty much naked in front of his caretaker. Magnus had probably felt more naked than he did. After all, he’d just bared his soul to him in simple words without even noticing. He’d learned to pay attention to what people said. He could not only hear their voices but the nuances nobody paid attention to anymore. Magnus wasn’t just stressed. He felt as if was losing everything he cared for. Just like he’d felt the day he’d been told he couldn’t see anymore and the days after.

He knew exactly where he was standing and so, once he was dried and had wrapped a towel around his hips, he made it out of the bathroom and to his room in no time.

He heard Magnus going downstairs and heard stuff being moved around, what, he had no idea. He touched the towel to untie it and realized that he had been naked all the time he’d been talking to Magnus. Thinking about it a second ago hadn’t brought him to reality like being in his room had. From the moment he got in the tub until that very second, he’d been stark naked underneath. Magnus had even given a towel to cover himself. Alec sat down on the bed and took a deep breath. His mortification grew when he realized Magnus had even left underwear ready for him next to the clothes.

Alec closed his eyes and felt like he was hyperventilating. This couldn’t be happening to him. They really didn’t trust each other that much.

He simply put on his clothes in silence, flushed, embarrassed, trying to find in him that one thing that had kept him sane all this time.

He didn’t know the answer to it. He just sat on his bed and fiddled through the drawer in his nightstand. Once he found the book he was looking for, he opened it and started reading, even though he knew every word by heart.

“Llama llama red pajama reads a story with his momma…”

 

When he came downstairs, a good while after being locked up in his room, Magnus was waiting at the end of the stairs. He’d taken his hand and had put it in his arm, and once he nodded, Magnus walked him to the kitchen.

“So...I cleaned up everything. I mean, it’s Friday and I’m sure you want your house back for the weekend,” Magnus announced as he let him go once they were by the island. It smelled clean, there was just the faintest smell of paint and Alec was already missing it. It wasn’t just the memories it had brought. It was also the calmness and the feeling that things were going to be okay as that was what he’d always felt whenever he painted a model. His clients could accept or reject his proposal, whatever decision they made was okay even though they’d usually followed his recommendations. It was more a matter of having finished the last part of a project and the sense of accomplishment that was in itself.

“When’s your deadline?” Alec asked as he played with the iPad mounted on the island. The room smelled good. Magnus had grilled zucchini with garlic and olive oil, which he was munching on as Magnus served him some more food. “This is so good, by the way,” he said with his mouth full. It seemed like the one time he was going to eat proper, fresh food was with Magnus. Who would’ve thought that?

Magnus didn’t answer right away, taking his time, “this is creamy parmesan garlic mushroom chicken, I learned how to make it through Instagram,” he started and he closed his eyes at the smell. Damn, it was good, he thought as his mouth watered. Magnus put the dish closer to him and told him where so he found it easily. “Wednesday, actually. I just wanted it done by Monday.”

“Why did you pick up then?” he asked before taking a little food. It was good. It was really creamy and delicious and he almost moaned because of it. “You can leave your stuff here if it helps, I mean, you don’t have to, but you can if that’s what you want.”

“I don’t want to impose, Alexander,” he said with such sadness in his voice that Alec felt he could understand. As an artist, Magnus was more sensitive than others, not being able to express himself must’ve been killing him.

“You’re not, if you know me a little, then you know I won’t mind telling you,” he answered and chuckled, trying to downplay himself to lighten up the mood.

“Oh, I know!” Magnus retorted and Alec heard him laugh softly. He’d heard Magnus laugh a few times in the past month. They’d had arguments, bad moments between them, but he had always laughed at some point. That was good. He wasn’t a tormented artist, and although he could understand those who were, he liked that Magnus wasn’t this dark person he could be.

Well, being dark and awful was, apparently, reserved for him, Alec Lightwood.

“Keep your stuff here until you find what you want to do. I hear you with a pencil and paper all the time, don’t you have anything in there worth of a canvas? Or well, rest up for the weekend, you might find inspiration in the least expected place,” he told him and found himself wondering why he was being so empathetic right then. Maybe, it was because Magnus had always treated him like a regular person, he thought for the second time that day. There had never been any ill words or anything that indicated he thought less of him because he was blind. Well, good enough, he could give him back some consideration.

“Thank you, Alexander,” Magnus answered. Alec smiled softly—he was slowly getting used to Magnus calling him by his full name—and he nodded. He finished his plate and closed his eyes. “You liked it, huh?”

“If you weren’t leaving soon, I’d hire you to be my personal chef, Magnus,” Alec said and he noticed a change in the air. He wondered what Magnus was thinking, he hadn’t meant to bring up the end of the contract. He’d been tricked by his own mind and he blamed the food for it had been that good.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Magnus said and Alec could tell he’d stopped eating.

“I’ll be in my room for the rest of the afternoon, okay?” Alec told him, leaving Magnus alone in the kitchen.

 

***

 

****Magnus was beyond exhausted. The last thing he had needed that week was stressing out over not being able to create anything. He already had enough of trying to create something. Now what happened at Alec’s just proved him this wasn’t his time. He wasn’t going to make it. He was now more certain than ever.

No, that wasn’t true. He was tired, he’d had a long week and he only needed some rest. That was if he could stop kicking himself mentally every time he could.

The day hadn’t been so bad, he was telling himself as he walked into his apartment. He’d managed to get a good look at Alec’s body as he was in the tub; not that he was a peeping Tom or anything, however, it had been inevitable not to notice. The man had a God’s body and he couldn’t deny it. He shouldn’t, for one second, continue thinking like that, he admonished himself.

If he was honest with himself, and he was trying to be, pretending to care about Alec’s body more than about what had happened was just a diversion. Yes, Alec was as hot as Brad Pitt on his best years, but no, he didn’t care about that right then.

Alec had come downstairs in the middle of him having a breakdown and had comforted him. Why the man would do that was beyond him. Alec had only been nice to him under extreme circumstances or at moments when others or something like him sobbing had made him stop and reflect.

_Something is changing and that is a good thing._

Jace had been right, he thought as he remembered his words. Something was changing and he wasn’t going to be the one to complain. He’d told Jace he just wanted to get along with Alec, and he had known it was going to be hard and he had lived it over and over again every time Alec came up with those awful remarks of his. He’d put up with all that sometimes with a stern face, others while rolling his eyes. They’d tried to start over a couple of times and the last time Alec had ended up comforting him. Honestly? That wasn’t something he’d expected.

Magnus felt ashamed though. This breakdown had been a bit too much. He wasn’t one to destroy his stuff, much less his canvas and oil paints. He’d thrown Luke’s beautiful box to the floor, the one he loved to keep clean and perfect in spite of keeping his paint. He remembered grabbing his brush so tight he almost broke it. That was his favorite brush and this wasn’t his regular self.

The brownstone usually made him do more. It inspired him to do more. He could read and write while being there, his dissertation had benefited a great deal from his work there. He had no idea what had happened to him; what on Earth had gotten into him that he’d started throwing things off and most of all, talk himself down the way he had. He was Magnus Bane, son of Luke Garroway, and artist extraordinaire. He had to be better than that awful version of himself.

_Don’t you ever say you’re a failure._

What was more, what had gotten into Alec that he had just come to him and had held him while saying those words to him?  He’d felt appalled seeing Alec on the floor looking for him. However, it had been when Alec had pulled him close that he felt he couldn’t breathe. No one other than Luke had ever come so close to him much less a man who until a few days ago had been a complete ass to him.

What could Alexander have seen in him that had made him change his mind?

He had no idea, which is why he’d come back home and had called Catarina while he begged her to spend Saturday with him. Thank goodness she was not only game but had worked the day shift that day, which also meant watching Netflix and having an ungodly amount of drinks.

When Catarina arrived at his place, he hugged her for the longest time. He had no idea he was in such need of her presence and her words to feel reassured. Magnus had been avoiding Luke altogether. Having called his dad would have meant having him, Jocelyn and Clary over at his place at a moment when he needed love of the hard kind. Catarina would tell him what he’d been doing right or wrong, she’d put things under perspective. Luke would shower him with such love and affection that he wouldn’t be able to function without him by his side for God knows how long.

“So, tell me all about it and don’t leave a single thing out, whatever got you like this is not a small thing,” Catarina’s words made him nod as he hid behind the kitchen island to make some cocktails.

He poured his heart and soul to her then. Magnus told her about the last week, the commission, his self-imposed deadline, the Lightwoods’ interrogation, his talk with Jace, and finally, he told her about Alec. Had it been a week already? He told her about the gallery and the Fourth of July food.

“Jocelyn does know how to feed an army on the Fourth,” she chimed in.

“You have no idea. She outdid herself this year,” he commented as he handed her a mimosa in a flute glass.

“I thought we were going to dig into the heavy stuff,” she said when she received her drink and raised an eyebrow questioning him.

“In a minute, we’ll need it then.”

After some time talking about what had happened with Alec and her absolute silence, Magnus laid down on the couch, his head on the back and his eyes purposely avoiding Catarina, something he was sure she already noticed. He sighed, closing his eyes, tears stinging until he finally found his voice again.

“I threw the biggest tantrum in the history of tantrums yesterday.  At Alec’s, when I couldn’t paint. I have spent I don’t know how much time painting in that house, my sketchbook is full of things, I always have a new idea, I’ve advanced more in my dissertation this month than I’ve had all year and I couldn’t do it today. The one thing that would make me disappear from the world is gone and I want it back,” he told Catarina as he turned to look at her, “this could be my breakthrough. My name could start being known in the circles, perhaps next time Ragnor would have one of his friends sponsor me. _Me_ , Cat! I want this, I want it so bad I’m screwing it up.”

Magnus laid his head on her shoulder and let her hold him but then, he realized it was a similar position to how Alec had held him the day before and backed away, startling his friend.

“Magnus, what is it?” she asked as she took his hand in hers.

“Alec walked in on me, right in the middle of it and he ended up comforting me,” he started, however, instead of a question, Cat reached out to him, taking his other hand as well.

“He did, huh?”

Magnus nodded, hiding his face in his hands.

“I’m SO mortified. Like, I almost destroyed his house, Cat! And all he tried to do was get to me and tell me I was not a failure,” he fell back on the couch.

“You have to stop being so hard on yourself, you can’t paint right now, then take a break and rest, and then get back to things with new eyes, but no, you have to go all the way or you won’t do it at all. Not very Sagittarius of you,” she said mocking him.

“Cat!” he swatted her arm just enough to get an ouch from her and then, the two of them started giggling.

She was just what he needed right then.

“You have to admit Alec is right; you are not a failure, Mag,” he wouldn’t look at her, he knew that. He didn’t want to see her eyes and the glint in them whenever they talked on those days when he felt down. He knew Catarina meant well. She had always had his back, after all, they had been friends for years already and he trusted her completely.

He still didn’t understand things, though, so he kept telling her about Alec. He mentioned to her how he had cleaned Alec’s feet before taking him to the bathroom. Magnus tried to keep details to himself, but this was Cat he was talking to, so he told her as much as he remembered.

Catarina asked him to wait for her as she needed to use the restroom and Magnus stood up quickly, running to the balcony.

Alec Fucking Lightwood had been completely naked while in the tub. Like, there had not been one tiny bit of anything to cover him until he, Magnus, had given him that towel and in hindsight, it hadn’t been the biggest one he could find. And it had taken him almost a full day to realize that that man was handsome beyond measure. And he wasn’t thinking just his body. His face was what the Gods of old were made of.

This wasn’t the kind of thing he needed to pay attention to. He didn’t need the image of a butt naked Alec imprinted in his mind. He groaned, resting his weight on the edge of the balcony. This wasn’t fair and he didn’t mean the whole nakedness thing only. Alec had giggled when he’d cleaned the paint from between his toes, and it had been the tiniest most honest and childish-like giggle he’d even heard and damn, it had been so beautiful.

“Magnus! I’m starving! Can we eat something while we talk?” Catarina asked him as she walked back into the living room. He heard her from where he was standing, however, his mind was blank. He nodded, astonished at his own stupidity, while he remained motionless in his place.

_I even picked up his underwear_ , he thought as he replayed the previous afternoon.

This couldn’t be happening to him. He was embarrassed. He’d crossed so many lines the day before but hadn’t meant any harm. Well, Alec hadn’t complained either but still…what if things got awkward again when he was back on Monday? Alec had acted in a strange way during lunch, hadn’t he? He had complimented his cooking, which had helped his already bruised ego, but that same comment had meant so much more. Alec believed he was leaving, he seemed to be keeping track of his probationary time with him. And he? Well, he had been taken by surprise in such a ridiculous way that he’d remained quiet. He could only imagine what could’ve gone through Alec’s mind.

_If you weren’t leaving soon, I’d hire you to be my personal chef, Magnus._

Magnus closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands. He could hear Catarina coming closer to him, her footsteps giving her away. He had just been so focused on Alec being naked that he had forgotten about it all. He had given Alec a half ass answer indeed but this was something he just couldn’t forget. How could Alec think he would leave him?

_You are different than the other caretakers, Magnus. The others had already left by this time._

That was his answer right then, what Jace had told him in the car the other day. It wasn’t that what had hit him hard though. In the beginning, during his first days going at Alec’s, he’d made an unwitting confession. Alec had spoken about his ex-boyfriend and he remembered clearly the spite in his words:

_My own boyfriend dumped me after the accident, what should I expect from you, huh?_

Magnus rolled his eyes at himself. He was definitely the blind one when he couldn’t see the hurt in Alec’s voice and his demeanor until then. He’d been so caught up in his own version of things that he hadn’t realized Catarina had been right all along. Alec was like a hurt puppy. Magnus had said so to Robert himself, Alec basically glowed whenever he had his family around. He just had this stupid idea that he couldn’t get any help and so, he kept pushing people away. From Jace’s demeanor to Izzy’s pleading, to well, basically Maryse’s insistence on keeping help around Alec, they all had tried. Even Robert and his anger towards him, saying he wasn’t good enough for Alec was proof of how hard they had tried and were still trying to be there for him. They cared about Alec as much as he cared about them.

Alec was just goddamn good at keeping people away. He’d done so for three full weeks until he had said something completely unfortunate and had hurt Magnus during a time that had been sensitive to him. Any other day, he would’ve shrugged it off because it had been a silly thing and he knew that; and Alec had pushed to say he was sorry, to offer a fresh start, and then, they had screwed up again, and then this was where they were.

_If you weren’t leaving soon._

He wasn’t going to leave, he knew that much but he hadn’t told Alec that in proper words he wouldn’t misinterpret. He’d been surprised by Alec’s statement but he hadn’t set the record straight right then. What could Alec have understood? Trying to convince Alec otherwise could backfire, he knew that much. Well, being able to understand it wasn’t rocket science but he knew actions spoke louder than words. Alec believed Magnus was leaving soon and he needed to show him, not tell him, he wasn’t going to. The truth was, at the start of his contract, Magnus knew he would have left at any given point at the two months mark. Right now? Well, he wanted to stay for as long as he could. He was making progress, he was even getting the damn classes on reading Braille. He’d put so much work and effort on the blocks and getting the right games that he didn’t want all that to go to waste.

Not really, that wasn’t exactly what he was thinking. He wanted to show Alec there was a life after all he had lost. So, the day he managed to get Alec to play Monopoly with him or even use the Play-Doh and actually have a good time, then, he would start considering leaving.

Magnus rested his head over his arms in exasperation. He didn’t know what to do or how to do it.

“Mag? You okay?” Catarina’s pet name for him brought him back to reality and he just smiled at her.

“Food is a good idea and we need more vodka. There’s still a lot I want to tell you about,” he said as he started going back inside to get his phone and order some takeout. He could see Catarina’s face and knew the wheels in her head were turning and he would have to explain himself soon. His friend nodded and rolled her eyes and Magnus smiled. He turned on his foot, balancing his weight perfectly and looked her in the eye, “if I tell you Alec was completely naked in front of me yesterday, what would you think?”

He left without giving her time and smiled when she came to him screaming his name and demanding an explanation.

 

***

 

****Alec didn’t sleep that night. He tossed and turned until he couldn’t take it anymore and walked downstairs to the living room, bumping against everything that was there. Even if he didn’t want to, he needed to talk to Magnus about it; anything moved an inch from its place meant he couldn’t move around as he usually did, and that was the kind of thing that he couldn’t afford. He needed everything back, make other arrangements for Magnus to be able to paint in the brownstone. He needed to be back in control.

No, Alec thought, he would wait. He’d promised himself he would give Magnus the time he needed to work on his paint. It was the least he could do after his behavior the week before. He hadn’t been able to shake off the feeling of realizing what a jerk he’d been to Magnus and to everyone in general. Perhaps, it had been too much to think that someone could be nice to him without thinking they were also being paid for it. It was the truth, though, Magnus was being paid to look after him, but it was also true he didn’t need to be nice to him, much less after Alec had been so horrible to him.

Magnus seemed like the kind of guy who didn’t accommodate to conventions. From the first day, he’d sold himself as he was. The ‘freewheeling bisexual’ phrase had caught his mom’s attention and as he thought about it, his too. He had never met someone who would just flaunt himself as he was without having a care in the world.

Kudos to Magnus Bane, his caretaker.

Alec eventually found his way around the house. Once he managed to count the steps between the parlor and the hallway, he started walking at ease again, feeling more comfortable as he did so. He was regaining control over the one thing he had always claimed as his.

**< It is 1:30 a.m.>**

The VoiceOver on his phone told him the time and he exhaled loudly as he set up the coffee maker. Perhaps one of those pods of Colombian coffee would help him sleep. He was sure he hadn’t bought them himself but for all he knew, they were there and were perfectly labeled, making him wonder if that had been another thing Magnus had done.

Alec had to give it to the guy: he didn’t give up. In that way, they were similar, he mused. However, he also thought of how different they were as well. Where Magnus was full of life, he was full of regret over his own. Where Magnus seemed to be color, Alec was definitely a pitch black hole.

There was nothing he could offer someone, as a friend or not, that could make a new connection worthy.

Magnus was leaving soon, anyway. The man’s silence had spoken volumes after he said what he had said, and Alec chastised himself one more time for having been so careless with his words. That seemed to be one of the dangers of being around Magnus Bane, his personal caretaker; he could forget about everything for one moment and he could just be his twenty-eight-year-old self even in spite of himself.

It was just so easy to fall into patterns and new routines with Magnus that it was somehow infuriating although it was mostly surprising. Nobody had managed to do that before him, not even his own family who still wanted to be around him after all this time and most importantly after all the rejection he had subjected them to. They hadn’t managed to work things out, basically because he hadn’t been open to it. Magnus simply didn’t give him much of a choice.

Alec jumped a little when the coffee maker beeped. The smell of freshly brewed coffee filled his senses and he took the cup, blowing on it slightly. By the Angels, that coffee was good.

He went back to the parlor through the hallway. He found that the chair on that side was moved to the right by five steps and that the space between it and the doorframe was, therefore bigger.

He sighed, fumbling for the remote until he found it and turned the TV on. The CNN commentator was talking about the latest news from Congress and as soon as he announced the basketball playoffs, Alec changed channels. Basketball was still one of those things from his past he avoided. He was into Investigation Discovery lately and cringed as the passion crimes show progressed. He didn’t know what else to do really and he couldn’t sleep anyway. He was tired, Izzy and Jace hadn’t showed up yet and well, it was one of those tedious nights most people would wish for. Well, not him.

He went to the kitchen at some point and looked for some nuts and ate a handful. He wasn’t in the mood to warm up and eat from the containers his mom had brought that week. It wasn’t like Magnus’ food from the day before, freshly made and so savory. Alec felt he couldn’t eat anymore after the comparison and walked out of the kitchen.

On his way back to the parlor, he remembered there was a shelf in the bookcase to the left that had a bunch of things Magnus had gotten for him. That was another thing about Magnus he had to acknowledge: the man had done his homework, earning himself an A+ at taking care of others. He’d researched and had found videos and sources which had actually helped him make decisions. Like the video in which Magnus had learned how to guide him or the audiobooks he had chosen at the library or the fact that he was actually taking Braille lessons.

Alec took a deep breath as he moved his hands over the surface of the board games boxes and the Play-Doh little cans and then grabbed the latter. He sat down at the dining table not knowing exactly what he was doing, he was simply following his instinct as he opened each can and inhaled deeply. Alec smiled as the sweet candy-like smell of the Play-Doh greeted him.

Alec was hesitant at first, what could he do with it if he couldn’t see it, he wondered.

He stuck his fingers in the dough, pushing it out and held his breath. This was exciting and scary all the same. It was as if he were discovering something for the first time. He let out his breath as he squeezed the mass in his hands and smiled broadly. Just the act of playing with it was enough to make him happy. He hadn’t felt like this in a long time and it just made his smile grow bigger.

He put it on the table, not really caring that the color would leave a stain on it and rolled it. He then made small circles with it and then squeezed the whole thing again. He wasn’t making anything in particular, the dough was shapeless in his hands, but he was finding pleasure in just touching it and playing with it.

“If I had known such a silly thing would make you this happy, I would’ve bought you a whole store of Play-Doh before, brother,” Alec was startled as he heard Jace’s voice, for he neither noticed the door nor did he hear the man walking inside the house.

“You’re not gonna let me live this one down, are you?” he asked, at ease by the comfort of the known voice, while he squeezed the dough in his hands one more time.

“Your secret is safe with me, Alec,” he heard Jace say as he welcomed Jace approaching him and kissing his head and then he heard him walk away and leave something on the kitchen counter. “I’ve got us some Chinese. You up for it or do you want momma’s frozen food?”

“Oh God, no! I love mom’s food but not tonight. Chinese sounds wonderful,” he answered. He knew he’d just had some nuts, but he didn’t mind eating something with Jace. He realized it was late, then, and turned his body toward Jace, “what time is it, Jace?”

“Over two in the morning now, why are you up so late by the way? I’d figured you were asleep,” Jace said while Alec heard him walk around the kitchen. He kept his hands on the Play-Doh, a little unsure. He couldn’t tell Jace about not being able to sleep when he couldn’t understand it himself. He didn’t want his brother to worry more than he already did.

“I just woke up a while ago. So, were you going to sneak up on me or something? I mean, it _is_ late,” Alec chimed in, still feeling the dough and playing with it.

“Yeah, that was my plan: come to your house, eat something, and go cuddle with you; here you go, it’s still warm,” Alec chuckled at Jace’s words and smiled softly as his brother guided his hand to the fork next to the dish. That was already such an easy thing for them, and it made him remember back in the day when he wouldn’t even allow them to come near him, angry as he was at the world.

“Oh God, second foodgasm in two days,” he let out without noticing; however, he did stop talking the moment Jace stopped eating and he felt his eyes on him.

“I may not know much, but you wouldn’t use that word over anything,” Jace started and he cut him off. There was an undertone to what he was saying and he didn’t want to go there.

“It’s nothing. Let it go,” he retorted annoyed before eating some more.

“Nah, nope, nada, you can’t cook, obviously, and this isn’t about mom’s cooking, so, spill,” Jace said and Alec noticed he spoke with his mouth full, something that actually made him smile.

“There’s nothing to tell, Magnus cooked for us yesterday and well, all I’m going to say is that he might be in the wrong profession, that’s all,” Alec answered. There was no point trying to hide anything from Jace, he could read him like an open book written in capitals.

“You guys worked things out then,” Jace said and Alec stopped eating for a moment. There were so many things he wished he could explain to Jace, his fears, his apprehension, his pain. However, Alec stopped himself; he felt he could be unfair to his brother. While Alec lost his eyesight and became a burden to his family, Jace had become their savior. In the same way that Maryse had kept in charge of things, Jace had given it all up just to stay as the head of the family so that they all could move on.

Perhaps the one still caught up on things was him, but, how could he let go? He didn’t deserve the chance he’d gotten and so, he hadn’t done anything else but learn to survive one day at a time.

Perhaps he’d left therapy too soon.

“Jace…” Alec began but the words didn’t come out. He took one more bite and didn’t lift his head.

“There’s something you need to understand, Alec and I hope, I really hope you start doing it now. I am your brother and I’m always going to be here for you, whatever happens, wherever you go, I’ll always be by your side.”

“But I…”

“No buts. You’re my brother, I love you, why wouldn’t I? Oh yes, you’re a thick-headed SOB who thinks is the center of the world.”

A lump formed in Alec’s throat and he fought the tears back. This kind of banter between them was good, he missed it. He really did. Besides, Izzy wasn’t there and it gave them time.

“I didn’t think you were coming today,” Alec said trying to divert the conversation. Thinking about Izzy made him realize he’d actually spent Saturday on his own.

“I didn’t think I’d make it, to be honest; there was this meeting which is why I’m late, mind you. I really just thought about walking in, have some dinner, and literally crash next to you,” Jace told him and Alec found his voice soothing. There was a time when Jace would be the only one to help him fall asleep. He had just needed to listen to his voice and let go of his worries, even if he’d reject him the next day. Eventually, Alec had made them all keep their distance and the only concession he ever made was the weekends with Jace and Izzy.

“We haven’t slept together in a long time,” Alec began to say. After a while, he hadn’t allowed anyone close ever again but then he realized what he had said and its other connotation and felt flushed, his cheeks turning hot all of a sudden.

“If I didn’t know you’re my brother I’d say you’re flirting with me, Alec,” Jace said, his tone serious but tainted with mockery.  So much so, he could almost hear him laugh. It was comforting to know he could fall back into old patterns with his brother, the one person he’d ever truly been close to, as they both cracked up laughing.

“By everything that is holy and good in this world, no! Jumping your bones is not on my bucket list!” Alec made a face as he hit the table softly, his palm open over the wood.

“Oh, but you looove me,” Jace said and then Alec heard as his brother stood up and came to him messing up with his hair before hugging him in an awkward angle. Alec’s shoulder slumped, defeated. This was something he had been deprived of for so long. To have his brother close, to let him touch him like they used to. To be able to let him love him again.

“I do love you, Jace,” he finally said, standing up to be able to hug him properly. He was still taller than Jace, and Jace still needed to tiptoe to reach him.

What could he tell his brother, anyway? Jace usually came with Izzy and yes, the three of them spent time together, they laughed and talked as if many things hadn’t happened and still, he didn’t allow them to be so close. Even Izzy respected that and wouldn’t push him. He’d learned their faces by heart already. Alec knew every crease in their foreheads and every wrinkle next to their eyes. He had learned to read their lives on their faces; their happiness and their sadness, all the same. Three years was a long time for some, or a morning’s breath for others, regardless, Alec had learned—painfully slowly—how to _see_ them even though he hadn’t wanted to in the beginning until he had fully realized it was the only way he had to not _forget_ them.

That was why when he separated himself from Jace, he kept his hands on his neck. Alec cupped Jace’s face and then he started to touch his face, updating his mental map of it, gently and without hurry.

His face felt dryer under his touch. He could also feel the new wrinkles adorning his eyes and how there were more on the left side than there were on the right. He wondered what his eyes looked like right then, their different colors dilating as he examined him. Alec felt his cheeks diving in, forming a slight dimple, and he smoothed the proud smirk that was forming on his mouth.

“Stop it,” he scolded Jace. Even as a blind man, he could still picture his brother’s arrogant gesture. “I do love you, though. So, find yourself a girlfriend so that you can stop thinking about getting in bed with me.”

There was something changing right then and Alec knew it when he heard Jace’s breathing changing for that split second. Alec let go of him and turned to the table, looking for his dish to take it to the kitchen. Jace couldn’t say anything to him, he imagined him opening and closing his mouth a couple of times and that made him laugh. That was a thing Jace would do before when he didn’t know what to say. He left the dishes in the sink and started to walk toward the stairs but hesitated as he made it to the threshold.

Perhaps giving himself that moment to make things right wasn’t such a bad idea.

“Your hands smell like Play-Doh, which, by the way, I just put away. Alec?” Jace was finally speaking again but he imagined his voice was far away. “Hey, what’s wrong, buddy?”

Alec stood there in silence. He was trying to find his way, not knowing if he was going to bump against something and hurt himself again. His hands and knees were still sore from having fallen earlier.

“Alec?”

“I fell down today,” he started to explain but stopped, reaching out to find where he was exactly. His hand, the one he had injured the week before, suddenly started throbbing and he showed it to Jace. He knew there was a small scar there, which he hoped would disappear soon. However, talking about this would make a lot of things real and he wasn’t sure that was necessarily good. Things like the fact that he had allowed Magnus to take over his house for a few hours. He never even let any of his siblings change the tiniest of things. And yet, there was this man who had come to his life, disrupting it completely.

“You fell? What happened?” Jace was by his side in no time and Alec grabbed him by the arm.

“Let’s go to bed, I’ll tell you everything upstairs,” Alec said hesitantly. He didn’t dare move and was certain Jace noticed because he held his hand and walked him to the stairs. “Thank you,” Alec said in a low voice, a lump growing on his throat as he was overcome with emotion. He didn’t want Jace to see him disoriented in a place he knew way too well. He didn’t want to explain himself much less at a moment when he felt vulnerable.

“Alec, you don’t have to thank me for anything,” Jace answered and Alec felt things had shifted for the two of them.  For Jace, it must be the littlest of things, but to him, letting Jace help him was a big step he was taking. It wasn’t a matter of getting help or even needing it. It was just the fact that he was opening himself again. At his own pace but driven by the circumstances.

Things were changing, he knew that, and chose to let it happen. Alec took a deep breath and then touched the handrail and let go of Jace. Old habits die hard, he knew that too, and even though he was getting to the point where he could start breaking them little by little, he was still a beast when it came to them.

“Alec…”

“I’ll wait for you upstairs,” he said quickly, feeling a little bit upset, but most of it, feeling nervous.

This was the time when a lot of things had to come clean. He had to stop the jokes and the teasing—not that he wasn’t happy that he felt more at ease doing them than he had felt before—it was him not being able to talk to others. He’d shut off everyone, Jace included. He hadn’t allowed his brother in for a long time and it wasn’t that he didn’t love him. He’d been avoiding his own words and his guilt. He knew Jace would’ve done anything in his power to help him get better. To not let him feel like he owed life because he was alive when he shouldn’t be. And he was better, Alec told himself, he was just on a journey to be alone and let his own guilt devour him.

It was what he deserved after all.

Alec brushed his teeth quickly and went to his room. As he entered, he heard Jace moving around already, which got him thinking about how much time he’d spent in the restroom and just sat in the bed, getting his legs under the cover and pulling it up to his waist. This was something he and Jace used to do as kids when they were adamant about sharing a room and didn’t have Izzy around.

“You do know we don’t have to do this?” Jace said as he got in bed next to him and he nodded. Boy did he know. “Alec, listen, we haven’t done this in a long time, we don’t have to do it tonight,” Jace said giving him a way out but he shook his head

“I might not be able to speak about it another day, Jace,” he said, his voice low and hoarse, his mind filled with words and thoughts fighting to come out.

He realized he’d been holding on to the duvet harder than he should have the moment Jace touched his hands to help him relax.

“So, you talked to Magnus that day?” Jace asked and he nodded, starting to retell Jace what had happened to him ever since Magnus came to his house with his mom to become his caretaker.

 

***

  
Magnus got up early in the morning. He knew it was Sunday but he’d received a text message from Meliorn letting him know he’d gotten a few pots with flowers he could start bringing to Alec’s garden. The truth was, he’d barely had any sleep and when Catarina left after an urgent call from the hospital, he’d stayed awake until late. Or early. Whatever, he thought.

Magnus had stepped inside his studio for the longest time. He’d grabbed every sketchbook he had and had looked for something worth exploring and yet, he couldn’t find anything. His eyes always wandered back to his latest book, to Alec and the different drawings he’d made of him. There were simple sketches and more elaborate drawings mixed here and there. Still, he wouldn’t use him as his inspiration. That was out of the question.

He took a look around and his eyes fell hard on that first surprising painting of Alec. How he’d played with the black paint to actually make it more vibrant and how Alec’s eyes had come to life in the middle of the darkness surrounding them. Shivers went down his spine as he looked at it. He was still as surprised as he’d been the first time he’d seen it. There was something about Alec’s eyes that caught his attention every time. He didn’t know whether it was what Lydia had told him some time ago about how they were so alive in spite of everything or if it was their color and how it changed in the sunlight. Alec’s eyes were beautiful, that was for sure.

Magnus looked around and went through pieces of paper or anything he’d ever actually drawn a single line on, looking for something to spark his inspiration. He wanted to find something, anything that would help him sit down and use his hands as they tickled in eagerness.

He was feeling desperate but he’d promised Catarina he wouldn’t panic again. He wouldn’t be anything but positive, plus Alec’s words still came to haunt him without giving him any respite.

_I know you are not a failure._

How would he know that when he didn’t feel like it? He had spent the night before half awake, trying to find that one thing that would validate Alec’s words but couldn’t find it, which made him think that either Alec really didn’t know what he was saying—and why would he? It wasn’t like they were friends anyway—or that he was a failure indeed.

He just needed to make sure nothing from that train of thought reached Luke, Jocelyn, or Clary, or else he’d never hear the end of it. He was sure not even Cat would be so forgiving and shivered a little by just the idea.

His house phone rang and he rushed to grab it, welcoming the distraction.

“Halou!” he greeted in a hurry and was happy when he heard Ragnor on the other side of the line. “Ragnor, dear! To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Magnus noticed how the other was hesitant and gave him time. Moments like this required that he threaded carefully. His friend could be at the brink of discovering the next Picasso or about to faint over a spider in his house, whatever it was, he waited.

“Magnus, we need to talk,” Ragnor said in a serious voice, without saying hi back and Magnus walked out of his studio and went to the kitchen, where he poured some freshly brewed coffee from the maker into a mug and sat down.

“I’m all ears, my little cabbage, what’s going on?” he said before taking a sip of coffee and waited. He wanted to get Ragnor to speak, he’d talk and or tease him later.

“There’s this thing, I...I don’t even know how to start…”

“How about at the beginning?” Magnus said and he heard as Ragnor took a deep breath. Whatever it was, it was really bothering him and Magnus moved in his chair, sitting more comfortably.

“The beginning...right…I’m not sure where that is but…” Ragnor was still hesitant and that was a strange thing to witness even if it was happening over the phone, Magnus thought. Ragnor was always so articulate and confident when he spoke that he started getting concerned and thinking the worst.

“Ragnor, start talking or I’m going to think you don’t want to tell and then I’m going to hang up and show up at your doorstep, because honestly? I’m worried already…”

“I’m seeing Dot and I want to actually date her and I didn’t want to tell you and have you mad at me but I know you don’t like her like that because otherwise, I would never have heard the end of it and I do and well…she and I met this week at Raphael’s and I invited her for coffee and she said yes and you know what? We have lots of things in common and well, I just wanted you to know....there…” Ragnor finished talking and Magnus opened his eyes wide like saucers while he had a wide smile on his face. He heard as Ragnor inhaled deeply, tired of having spoken without making a stop.

“Wow,” he said. It was definitely strange to hear Ragnor so affected by something but it was just the sweetest thing, so he simply smiled.

“Wow as in you’re going to kick my ass? Or wow as in you don’t care?” Ragnor asked him, making him smile even more widely.

“Wow as in breathe my friend and well, say that again, without hurrying so much and enunciating properly, I don’t think I heard you right,” he teased him. He loved when the ever composed Ragnor lost said composure.

“You’re going to record it for Raphael and Catarina, aren’t you?” he asked him and he could feel the relief in Ragnor’s voice. He’d never do that, though he was tempted now that he mentioned it.

“Who said I don’t have them in the other line already?”

“You wouldn’t!”

“Says who?”

They talked some more and Magnus was happy when the conversation was over and he’d reassured Ragnor enough about how he didn’t mind that he dated Dot. She was a good woman and Ragnor was one of his closest friends. Besides, nothing major had happened between him and Dot anyway and if Ragnor was happy, then why not. He was happy for him regardless.

His phone pinged somewhere and he found it still in his room. There was a message from Meliorn and he cringed at the way it was written.

******Hey, Magnus! Got some stuff in the flower shop. Let me know when it’d b a good time 4 u 2 come check it out. Mel.**

******I’ll be there ASAP.**

He knew it was Sunday already but he figured he could use the distraction.

 

Walking into Meliorn’s flower shop always made him feel like he was stepping into a different world. He’d felt that way the other day when he’d come in the middle of the week and it wasn’t any different now.

Meliorn waved at him from the back of the store and Magnus waved at the girl who was helping Meliorn in the front. There were a few people around buying flowers and whatnot and Magnus nodded at them.

When he reached Meliorn and after greeting each other, Magnus followed him across a door and into the greenhouse. Magnus had never seen so many trees, flowers, or any other kind of plants together. The place smelled of flowers and nature and it made him feel relaxed. If he could manage to bring a little bit of that to Alec’s garden, then all was going to be good.

“I was looking at the tree at the end of the garden, and let me tell you, Magnus, that poor thing! So neglected! I can’t believe it’s still standing, but it’s a good thing, my friend,” Magnus looked at Meliorn without really understanding a word he was saying. It was as if the man was speaking an entirely different language and Meliorn seemed to have understood him for he gave him a small smile before speaking again. “Sorry, Magnus, listen,” Meliorn took Magnus to a small desk at the entrance and opened his email account, showing him the email Magnus had sent him a few days ago, “this is an _acer palmatum_ , or Japanese Maple, a non-native tree to New York or America for that matter, but a beautiful, enduring one, nonetheless. They do well in any shade, they tolerate seasons, and they’re gorgeous in the fall. This one here...needs some TLC, my friend; tender loving care, and if we can give it that, you’ll have a full show in the fall.”

Magnus was trying to keep up and started to imagine how beautiful the tree would look once it was clean of old leaves and when they could rake and take care of all the dirt down in the backyard. Looking at the picture, he realized the place was beyond dirty. He was going to have to spend a whole week just cleaning there, but well, once the commission was over, he could do that. He just needed to focus on one thing at a time.

“So, some TLC for the tree, how do we do that?” he asked and Meliorn gave him a big smile this time.

“I need to come with you to check the soil and decide the best fertilizer for it. I need to make sure the tree doesn’t have any bugs and that it’s healthy, we trim it here and there and we let it breathe, and we give him the love it deserves,” Meliorn nodded and hummed a tune before turning to Magnus, “now, look here, these azaleas would look wonderful planted along the sides…”

“I’d like a bench and maybe a table under the tree, you know? To write or paint under it,” Magnus gestured with his hands as he spoke, “or just… you know… to be there,” he finished and noticed Meliorn’s face light up at the idea.

“And I think I know where to find the perfect ones. I would have to go upstate for them, and they won’t be cheap but you know…” Meliorn didn’t end his sentence but his hands and that smile on his face said it all.

“It’d be worthy?” Magnus asked in a rhetorical way.

“Absolutely.”

Magnus smiled as broadly as Meliorn did and they spent the afternoon watching at different ways of setting the bench and the table, plus more flowers and colors. So far, he loved the azaleas the best. One of its meanings was temperance and he thought it fitted the Japanese at the end of the garden. Although the one about elegance and wealth didn’t escape him. In a way, it was a very Lightwood flower, and he could see Maryse and Izzy reflected in it as well.

“So, take this with you and take pictures tomorrow, Magnus. You can send them to me and find out when it’d be a good time for me to come and see the garden. I can’t wait to get my hands on it.”

Magnus laughed at Meliorn’s gestures and nodded. Meliorn got him a tote bag to take the pots of flowers with him and he promised to take pictures. They wanted to make sure which colors would fit the garden better, Magnus was certain he’d taken one of each.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, Mel,” he said his goodbyes and left the shop. Once outside, he felt a little undecided as to what to do next but then, the weight of the tote bag on his shoulder told him exactly what to do.

 

***

 

It was past noon by the time he woke up. Jace was nowhere to be found and he stretched while still lying in bed, his feet dangling out of the edge as he did so. He was feeling lighter than in the previous days even though his days were still filled with heavy darkness. Right then, he was just content. He’d managed to talk to Jace and had told him his side of things; he had even told him about how he had ended up making those conspiracy theories against Magnus and his mom, both of whom he hadn’t called to apologize yet, he chided himself.

He heard some noise downstairs and knew it was Jace trying to make something decent to eat but they would be lucky if he just warmed up something his mom had sent. Jace was a disaster in the kitchen, not at Izzy’s level, but still.

Alec stood up quickly and went to the bathroom. He got himself ready and was soon heading down the stairs, the smell of burnt toast reaching him.

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you’re Izzy,” Alec said in a teasing tone, using the same words Jace had used the night before but just heard him growl slightly from the other side of the kitchen. He walked in through the door at the end of the hallway and went straight to the coffee maker finding a new pod of coffee to quickstart the rest of his day. He could feel Jace’s eyes on him but decided against saying anything for the time being.

“You know? I’ll never stop being amazed by how you handle things around here,” Jace said as he walked to his iPad on the island.

“VoiceOver on,” Alec started and waited until the device repeated his command and he could start looking for the newspaper app. “What are you talking about?”

“You… you know…how you learned how to do all these things on your own…” Jace let his voice trail off and Alec nodded. This was another step they were taking and another can of worms he’d opened the night before. Having been honest with Jace meant he went back to things he hadn’t wanted to discuss before and that he knew would come back to haunt him. However, he felt it had been the right thing to do so that he could start accepting things. Some, at least.

The past week or so around Magnus had opened the bigger can. They’d had this back and forth which had forced him—and was still trying his little patience—to face things he hadn’t wanted to admit. On one hand, he had to admit to himself that he had needed help. That had been the biggest blow after he’d spent the past three years working hard to not need anyone. Granted, it wasn’t as if he’d made it easier for anyone but it was also true that no one apart from Magnus had decided to keep pushing until he heard. He loved Jace and Izzy and he knew they loved him back, but like with anyone else, they’d given up on him. They’d stopped pushing and until two days ago, Jace hadn’t done anything to disrupt his solitude. That was until he had forced him to listen to Magnus and had admonished him to be nice to the man.

On the other hand, there was Magnus himself. The man had this joie de vivre that he couldn’t even begin to understand. He’d heard him just being nice as he’d talked to his friend on the phone; Catarina, he believed was her name. He’d heard him talk about his commission and his painting with so much love and passion. Magnus had been hurt by a stupid thing he’d said and Alec still didn’t know why he’d taken it so to heart to make things better between them. There hadn’t been a soul in the past few years that could make him care, much less go to the point where he dared walk out of his house or just have a decent conversation without attempting at eating the other person’s head off.

Did he care about Magnus, though?

Perhaps not like he cared for his family, but the man wasn’t his enemy and if anything, he’d always been brutally honest. Don’t want to talk to me? That’s fine, I’ll be about of your way. Need my help? Here I am.

That type of kindness had always marveled him. However, for many years he’d also think of it as a lie. People just didn’t care about others out of the goodness of their hearts. At least, they didn’t care for him like that, he thought.

“You’ve seen me do this countless times before, why are you so surprised now?” he finally asked Jace and he smiled when his brother told him to stay put while he brought him his mug.

“I don’t know, perhaps because your current baby steps are like gigantic for me,” Jace answered and Alec noticed as he moved a stool to sit next to him. “I know you might not want to see me tomorrow or the next day, or any of us for that matter. Mom will come and she’ll force herself here just to make sure you’re fine and she’ll be the one you’ll never fight and that’s okay, but last night, you talked to me again. And it felt good to have my brother back even if it was for a little while,” Jace said and Alec couldn’t say anything back. He felt his throat closing, and he lacked the words to tell Jace he loved him. That he was more than his brother to him and that there wasn’t anything in the world that would really keep them apart.

Or was it? It wasn’t as if he’d been any welcoming after all.

Jace didn’t elaborate more and he was grateful. Alec noticed him going to the fridge and getting some of the containers out. He smelled the food the second Jace opened them and he made a face.

“You’re going to have to throw that away, it’s spoiled, ugh,” Alec said and he heard Jace groan and he figured he was doing just that for the sounds of it.

“You don’t happen to have any takeout numbers around here, do you?” Jace asked and Alec shook his head.

“It’s either mom’s food or Magnus’ lately, I don’t call for takeout,” he closed his mouth tight immediately. He didn’t need to mention Magnus, not right then. He let his head hung and closed his eyes. He was sure Jace was making faces and watching his every move.

“Your caretaker has definitely grown on you,” Jace said matter-of-factly and he hated the implication behind his words.

“He’s leaving soon, so, there’s that,” Alec replied in a flat voice. He had no idea why he had to kind of defend his position. It was enough that he’d managed to talk about things with Jace. It was another thing to let him get under his skin by saying things to him that he didn’t want to hear and was definitely not going to say anything about.

“Anywho,” Jace said, “if I remember correctly there are a few restaurants a couple of blocks from here. I’ll go get something for us, is that okay?”

Alec didn’t answer right away. Had it been a week or two before, he’d shrugged it off and would’ve told Jace to not even bother. He could call the grocery store so that they delivered some fruits and other things that afternoon as they usually did a couple of times during the week, but he’d rather not.

That weekend was proving to be difficult. It was prodding at his edges and having company was getting on his nerves. However, he knew it was a step forward to somewhere, even if he didn’t really know where exactly.

“Is it okay if I come with you?” he offered. He wished for a second he could kick himself right then. Why would he ask Jace about going out with him when he always refused to go further than the front door? It had been a spur of the moment kind of thing. He hadn’t really thought it through. It was going to come back and he wasn’t going to stop things from going to hell, he was thinking. All his fears and apprehensions appearing at once.

Alec could hear the wheels turning in Jace’s mind and he suddenly didn’t know what to do or what else to say. That was a mistake, of course it was. He should never have asked. He should’ve just gone on as he had so far, doing things in his own, relying on what he could do by himself.

He wanted to blame someone for his sudden need for others.

Alec got up and was already by the threshold to the hallway when he heard Jace’s footsteps and felt his hand on his shoulder startling him. He jumped and froze right then and the next thing he knew Jace was apologizing.

“I’m sorry, Alec...you just caught me by surprise… I’m so sorry…”

“Jace, look...you don’t have to do this...you know…”

“Bullshit! You offered and I’ve been waiting for this for the past three years and I’m not going to waste it. How do we do this? Sorry, bro, I have no idea…I never thought...I…”

Alec pulled Jace against him, hugging him. It was the second time he had hugged someone in the past few days but it was the first time he did it to console his weeping brother. Until then, he hadn’t known how much his actions were affecting others and even though he still wasn’t ready to do many things, he also knew he couldn’t keep pushing people away. Well, not that much.

Alec cried silently as he hugged Jace. They had lost so much and had never talked about it. He still felt he shouldn’t go into it. He still believed he didn’t deserve his family’s kindness and right then, he felt unworthy of Jace’s tears. His always composed brother had just brought his own walls down in front of him and although he couldn’t give him the same, he was going to be there for him. Jace hadn’t been in the accident, as he’d stayed at home with his girlfriend at the time, he hadn’t had to spend time at a hospital trying to recover from the impossible, and still, Jace had lost a lot himself. Alec felt he wasn’t deserving of any kindness or anything for that matter but he didn’t have to punish Jace for it.

“I’ve never tried that walking stick you got me, so we might as well…” he said in a soft voice. Jace laughed in between tears and pulled away.

“Where is it?” he asked, “knowing you, it could be buried somewhere in that jungle you have in the backyard,” Jace said as  Alec still held him from the neck.

“Somewhere down in the office, I really don’t know,” Alec shrugged and made a face which must have been funny from the way Jace laughed.

“I’ll go get it,” Jace offered, “you do something about that hair of yours! Mom is going to call her hairdresser to come and do something about it as soon as she sees you tomorrow.”

Jace left and he touched his hair. He pulled it a little realizing it might be as long as Jace had just told him. He had no idea, so he wouldn’t be the one taking care of it anyway. He knew Jace was probably right, his mom was going to bring the whole squad to make him look presentable. His beard probably needed a proper trim too.

When he was back from his room, where he had put on his sneakers and a sweater at, Jace was already waiting for him in the parlor.

“What’s with the suitcases downstairs?”

“Magnus and one of his brilliant ideas.”

“You have no idea what it is, do you?” Jace asked as they walked out of the house and he locked the door.

“Actually, I do. XL Jenga blocks. Don’t ask me how or why he got them. All I know is that he showed up with them one day and they’ve been down there ever since,” Alec stretched his hand and he felt hesitation in Jace. “What is it?”

“A) I can’t believe we’re doing this and B) how do we do this again?” Alec laughed at Jace and received the stick from him.

He started to remember what they’d told him at the hospital during his recovery. Unfold until it clicks, one, two, three, four times. Let it touch the ground and sweep slightly so as to feel through it.

He was way too hesitant to do this but he had an idea in his head, he couldn’t just get to do things when Magnus was around because when he wasn’t, what was going to happen to him? He needed to regain control of his life, whatever that meant, but there was one thing he’d learned in the past few days, not everything was what it seemed and he still had to go on on his own regardless of who was with him.

Alec didn’t want to admit it but, having been around Magnus had changed a lot of things. The man hadn’t torn his walls down, he’d found a way to climb and jump to the other side. He got under his skin easily and he’d lost his calm over it one too many times in the past month. However, Magnus was quitting and their conversation the day before was proof of it. Magnus hadn’t said anything when Alec screwed up and mentioned his leaving soon. Perhaps there was a higher purpose to having Magnus looking after him. He’d been thrown out of his comfort zone so that he learned new things to continue being as functional as ever.

“Shall we?” Jace asked him and he simply nodded. He was scared, too afraid of learning how to use a device he had despised since the first time but he still didn’t think he could let Jace guide him. His gigantic baby steps were too overwhelming sometimes and right then, he wasn’t sure any of that had been a good idea. Not at all.

 

When he got back, he noticed the house didn’t have the regular security code on and he frowned. He got a little scared that someone might have broken in and so grabbed the cane tight on his hands. He had no idea what he’d do with it but he told himself he wasn’t going down without a fight.

Jace had received a call on their way back to the house and he’d insisted on Jace leaving him by the steps to the front door and go. He had enough food for the rest of the day and a few pints of different flavors of Häagen-Dazs in a bag and reassured Jace he was going to be fine.

He was nervous and very scared when he walked into the house. He was also suddenly hyper-alert to what was going on around him. He held onto the walking stick tighter, feeling his heart rate increasing thinking of all the things that could possibly go wrong.

However, just a few steps past the door and he sniffed. He could have recognized that cologne anywhere and so, he relaxed his hands from the tight grip on the stick and went all the way to the kitchen following the scent. What Magnus was doing at his place on a Sunday was beyond anything he knew and also, where the hell was he if the kitchen was empty?

He left the bags with food, the ice cream, and the walking stick on the counter and walked around, looking for him.

“Magnus?” he called for him in a mix of annoyance and wonder. It wasn’t the Fourth of July anymore, it didn’t smell like food, and he hadn’t called him, so he had no idea what was actually happening. “Magnus?!” he screamed this time.

“Backyard!” Alec heard him shout. Magnus’ voice came muffled by the distance between them. Alec hadn’t been in that backyard since the first time he came to visit the house. As a matter of fact, in the three years he’d been living there, he’d never gone down there once and didn’t remember anyone else doing that. So, he walked to the door leading to the deck, afraid of what he would find. He’d never cared about the backyard, he didn’t know he could just walk out there. He wouldn’t open the door even in the hot summer.

What the hell was Magnus doing in his goddamn backyard?

He stretched his hand and touched the doorframe. He had to admit he was nervous. Although he knew every inch of the brownstone, the backyard was in a way, uncharted territory to him. He moved his foot forward tentatively until he touched the frame and took the step over it, feeling the summer breeze hit his face and not in a bad way if he was honest.

It smelled of an old garden out there. Of dry soil and leaves. He didn’t remember the place being like that. There was a big tree at the end of it, and he remembered its leaves green and plentiful. He heard quick footsteps approaching and a panting Magnus coming close to him.

“Sorry for showing up on a Sunday, but the flower pots were too heavy to carry to my loft and then back here tomorrow,” he started talking and Alec opened his arms to the sides, not really knowing what to say.

“What are you doing here? Flower pots?” he asked and he realized Magnus was by his side then. He sounded tired and Alec made a face.

“Hmm...let me make some coffee and I’ll tell you what this is all about,” Magnus said and Alec felt how he touched his elbow, showing him the way back into the house. It was strange to him how easy it had been for him to accept Magnus’ guidance but he didn’t make a big deal out of it. There was nothing to it, anyway, he told himself. “Sorry if I woke you up, I mean…”

“You didn’t. I wasn’t home,” Alec heard Magnus hesitate behind him and he stopped for a second before going upstairs and walking back into the kitchen.

“Sorry...I didn’t know you were out, my bad,” he heard Magnus say and noticed something in his voice that he compartmentalized deep in the back of his mind for a moment when he could actually think about it. Right now, all he cared about was why he was there.

“Seriously, Magnus, what’s going on?” Alec went back to the counter. He was definitely nervous and that was something he wouldn’t admit.  It wasn’t only the fact that Magnus was there on a Sunday, it was also the fact that he didn’t mind. He wanted to know why, but he truly didn’t mind that he was there.

What was wrong with him, he wondered. It had been a very long time since he’d felt at ease with someone. Was that why he had gotten so upset with him in the first place? It had also been a long time since someone wanted to spend some time around him for whatever reason possible. Because Magnus wasn’t there just for him, after all, and he was going to leave soon.

“Oh My God! You went shopping!” Magnus’ reaction was genuine, he could tell in his voice. Alec smiled and lowered his head, shaking it. The man was avoiding his question and he was going to let it go for a moment. “Ice cream! You’ve got Dulce de Leche? Wait a minute, Alexander! Did you buy the entire store?” the cheer in his voice was contagious and it made Alec smile.

“Can I get the Honey Salted Caramel Almond, please?” Alec asked as he sat down at his usual spot at the kitchen island. He heard as Magnus opened the bag and started pulling stuff out. Jace and he might have gone a little overboard with the ice cream but he would never mind. Jace had found the Haagen Daz store a couple of blocks up on Montague and they had felt like literal kids in a candy store.

Magnus put the ice cream in front of him and gave him a spoon. Alec simply heard him around in the kitchen opening and closing things. That door behind him was the small one for the freezer and that other one was the oven at the other side of the kitchen.

“Aren’t you going to have the Dulce de Leche one? I mean...you don’t have to...but if you want to…”

“You don’t have to tell me twice!” he heard Magnus rushing to the freezer and it took him a minute to be seated across from him.

“Will you explain yourself to me or…” he started talking but the moan coming out of Magnus’ voice made him stop. That was how absolute pleasure must sound like and it made him swallow hard. He buried his spoon in his ice cream and when he had some, he couldn’t help it but moan himself. “Damn, this is good.”

“When was the last time you had any...ice cream, I mean?” Magnus asked and Alec felt heat crawling up his cheeks.

“A long time, actually,” he answered shyly and kept eating. One week and his life was upside down, but he couldn’t complain about half of it. “Jace showed up late last night, that’s why I was out. Mom’s food was already spoiled so, we went to get something to eat.”

“That’s good, no?”

Alec nodded disregarding what that could mean. It could be the fact that Jace had come home or that they had been out. They ate their ice cream in silence, and Alec was grateful for it.

“Magnus, what’s the deal with the backyard?” he asked one more time. He wanted to know, regain control of things as he had intended early. He wanted to reclaim his house in some way, even when he wasn’t going to tell Magnus he couldn’t paint there. He had made the offer and he was going to keep his word, but whatever little he could still have, he was going to do it.

“Nothing much, Alexander...the poor backyard is like a barren land and in the middle of my equally barren creativity I came up with the idea of bringing it up to life. I talked to a florist friend of mine and we came up with a plan, so he gave me these flower pots to see what they would look like with the tree, which by the way, did you know it is a Japanese maple tree? I mean, I had no idea. And well, as I said, the pots were too heavy for me to take them home and then back here tomorrow, so, I thought I might as well bring them here right away. I just thought you were sleeping. How was going out? No headache?”

Alec shook his head immediately and started thinking about what Magnus was saying. He would normally be upset at the intrusion but he was certain that doing something for the backyard wasn’t such a bad idea. He felt bad. He had truly neglected that part of his house but until that moment, he hadn’t seen the point.

“I remember the Japanese maple trees...I just, I never made the connection…” he answered in a low voice. “It was strange, being out with Jace...he had no idea how to guide me,” not like you did the first time, he thought but didn’t dare say. He was feeling conflicted in so many levels, but he wouldn’t say a word.

“Should I send him the videos I’ve watched then?” Magnus asked him and Alec shook his head. “Is it the first time you go out with him?”

“I even used the walking stick of doom,” Alec said, “Jace unpacked it himself, I don’t think I’ve ever heard him so proud of something he’d given me,” Alec told him and he heard Magnus chuckle.

“I’m glad you did it, Alexander. I’m proud of you,” Magnus told him as he finished his ice cream.

“I felt like I couldn’t breathe at times, it wasn’t so easy, but I managed. Jace would’ve had a heart attack if I had panicked...like I did the other day,” he confessed without really meaning to.

“So that migraine…”

“Sorry...you weren’t supposed to know that.”

They both fell silent for a little while and the only thing Alec could hear was their spoons hitting their ice cream containers respectively.

He closed his eyes. He really didn’t remember the last time he had had ice cream. He’d truly almost panicked walking around with Jace, his brother wouldn’t even let him walk or use the stick practically yelling a warning at anything and making sure anyone at earshot knew he was blind. Magnus had never treated him like that. If anything, it was with him that he felt like he didn’t have a disability. And that was probably making him panic more than necessary right then.

Things with Magnus were just easy to do. He was also easy to talk to, at least he believed that after many slips of tongue he’d had already.

“I never told you,” Magnus said startling Alec who simply lifted his head toward Magnus’ voice.

“What are you talking about? Didn’t you just tell me about the garden and the flowers and all that?” he asked. He gave his spoon a final lick and stood up to dump the trash in the bin.

“What I wanted to paint, I never told you,” Magnus said again and Alec was grateful. It was the perfect topic for him to stop thinking about a bunch of things he didn’t want to think about.

“What was it?” he asked genuinely interested. This type of conversation always gave him a good feeling and well, why not? He could indulge in it every now and then.

“I still don’t know,” Magnus answered and Alec rolled his eyes instinctively.

“Does any artist ever?” he wondered aloud and he sensed Magnus moving in his seat.

“Some have it clearer than me,” at the sound of his voice, Alec looked toward where Magnus probably was.

“You’re on your notebook all the time,” he said but shut his mouth tight. It wasn’t his place to say anything, so he shouldn’t.

“How do you know that?” now that was more like the Magnus who had been coming to his house for the past month and the change piqued his curiosity.  

“Spidey-senses, remember?” Alec heard as Magnus chuckled and he smiled broadly. “When I was an architect I had these days when I couldn’t come up with something and I needed inspiration and I always found it in nature. I would watch a TV show, go upstate to the family house to spend time there in the woods, I even accepted going to Lake Tahoe once with well… anyhow… after that, I would watch the pictures I took over and over and then something would just come to me and I could work with it. Do you have anything like that that works for you?” it was the first time in a long time since Alec spoke about his job after the accident. Back then, when it happened, it was a tirade of curses and uncertainty for he had no idea how to go on. He had never admitted that to anyone but his therapist at the time, and even then, it had cost him attending more than a session. Having lost the ability to create the way he knew how had been the biggest blow. One he thought he was over, until that conversation with Magnus.

“Why did you stop? I’m sorry, I don’t want to intrude, but many people go on with their lives in spite of well… you know…”

He wasn’t expecting the question and yet he wasn’t bothered by it. Why did he stop indeed? So many things had happened when he woke up in that hospital bed that he still hadn’t talked to anyone about. How could he tell Magnus about it? On one hand that was his burden to carry. On the other hand, he couldn’t trust him just yet. He didn’t trust anyone for that matter. Not his mom or Izzy, not even Jace. He didn’t even know when he had truly last talked to his dad. It was something he’d kept inside, the fear and the devastation of his situation. How he’d felt and how he had been affected by everything that had happened. He hadn’t known how to go on then and now, well, now it was a different story but he was still reluctant to face it in any way.

Alec knew every reason he’d had but didn’t say anything. He sighed deeply and closed his eyes and then stood up.

“I think my work here is done, Magnus,” he said avoiding the question. It was something he wouldn’t know how to tell Magnus that day. He knew why he stopped. He just didn’t know why he never wanted to try again. He had never stopped thinking about it once. Even when his hands itched or when the smell of wood overtook his senses. He was deflecting the question and he knew it. He didn’t have words to explain himself to Magnus, after all, he was a coward, wasn’t he?

“Alexander, would you mind helping me?” Magnus asked and he stopped midway to the hallway.

“Help you? Magnus, in case you haven’t noticed I can’t help you with anything,” he started and felt his heart drumming in his ears. It had been a long time since anyone had asked for his help and yet here was his caretaker at his place on a late Sunday afternoon asking him—of all people—for help.

“Lake Tahoe, I’ve never been there but, would you mind describing it to me? But wait, let me get my stuff, I have an idea and I’d like to paint it if you let me,” Alec didn’t know what to say at that and simply nodded. The man was infuriating in how he always found a way to crawl back under his skin. He’d hated that since the first time he’d met him and his mom had introduced him as a freewheeling bisexual. Not that the words hadn’t picked his curiosity back then. There was something about him, a way of doing things with such a carefree attitude that it called to him. Alec wanted to understand it because he had never been able to feel or do anything like it.

He was the eldest son of Robert and Maryse Lightwood and even though he had decided since an early age never to go into the world of business as Jace did after them, he still carried on him the burden of the name.  And he had failed miserably.

He nodded one more time and Magnus said a quick wait for me and he heard him storm out. Alec sat back down at the kitchen island and waited. A few minutes later, he was back and gone again a few more times.

“Okay...I think I’m ready,” Magnus said panting and Alec’s eyebrows rose.

“Ready?” he asked but before he could say anything else, he heard a click and then the smell of oil paint hit his nose, overpowering him. There it was again, the prickle in his hands at the familiar smell. “What are you up to Magnus?”

“No good?” Magnus said and Alec heard him laugh, “sorry, bad reference, but, what I am up to is listening to you, if you really don’t mind describing Lake Tahoe for me?”

Alec simply nodded.

 

***

 

 

He didn’t recognize the place where he’d just woken up at. There was a huge window with very thin curtains to one side and the space was so clean and pristine that it could never have been his place. Even though he liked order, this place seemed like a new room in a new place. Magnus sat up at once, disoriented and took a good look at the place.

He stood up and walked to the window, realizing he was in Alec’s brownstone and that the view was of the backyard. The pots of azaleas didn’t look so bad from there and he took a couple of pictures to send to Meliorn later, once he was presentable and not just wearing his boxers and t-shirt.

He put on his jeans and shoes and checked the time. It was almost six in the morning and he heard a thump at the front door, realizing the delivery boy had brought Alec’s groceries.

He went downstairs and then out to pick them up. The chilly breeze of the morning finished the job, waking him up fully.

Back in the kitchen, Magnus started preparing something to eat. Although he was fully awake by then, he still felt some details fuzzy until he looked towards the big windowpane facing the garden and saw his canvas drying there.

He stopped on his tracks and then walked closer to it, making sure his eyes weren’t deceiving him. There was a view of a lake with the most pristine and clear water in front of him, the hues of blue and green mixing in a way he’d never used before. He wanted to touch it but didn’t dare; the sign of the strokes left by the brush was thick and confident, he noticed, and if he hadn’t known it had been he who had painted it, he would’ve wanted to know the artist behind it.

_It was a dream, Magnus. The water was the most beautiful I had ever seen and the sky? Have you ever seen it? It was the clearest, most incredible thing. There wasn’t a cloud that day, not one, and I had never seen a sky like that in my entire life._

Magnus remembered the lingering ‘and never will again’ that had been there. Alec had told him about Lake Tahoe, first hesitantly, and then with such passion that he hadn’t been able to stop himself; Alec’s words had been so vivid that he didn’t doubt them. By instinct, he ran to the bookcase and looked for the book Alec had given him so much grief about and opened it, looking for the old picture of Alec that he’d seen there. He found it tucked away between the pages and he looked at everything in it. There it was, just a tiny flick of what Alec had described. There were the colors, yes, but the emotion Alec had on his face right then had shaped his memories.

Perhaps he’d been there with someone who meant a lot to him and that’s why the memories were so alive, he thought.

Magnus made sure to put the book back where it had been before and went back to the kitchen. He heard some noise upstairs and figured Alec was on his way to the kitchen, which made him go back to focus on breakfast.

He took out some of the few groceries that were still there from his shopping the week before and started preparing an omelet with mushrooms and herbs.

“I don’t think I smell stuff like this on a regular basis,” Alec said behind him, bringing a smile to his lips. Cooking was one of the few things he could do for Alec and food had been a straight way into getting along.

“Morning, Alexander,” he said, suddenly embarrassed by how he’d ended up staying over. “As your caretaker, I have to make sure you eat properly, and it’s my way to say sorry for disrupting your Sunday evening,” he finished, feeling heat on his cheeks not only from the fire where he was making the food.

“You don’t have to apologize and I mean it. It was unexpected, yes, but it wasn’t so bad, or was it?” Alec’s voice made him turn for a moment as the mushrooms got tender mixed with the olive oil, salt, pepper, and garlic and he noticed how Alec’s nose scrunched a little. Alec sat down on his usual stool and turned on the VoiceOver.

“No, it wasn’t, I just feel I ended up imposing and it wasn’t my intention.”

“That’s okay,” Alec said and Magnus turned his attention back to the pan, pouring the eggs in the mix and shaking it up. He heard Alec sort of hesitating and half turned to look at him.

“Everything okay, Alexander?”

He was turning to look at the man as he finished cooking and he noticed Alec hadn’t begun listening to the news as he usually did. His eyes were fixed nowhere and there were times when he had to remind himself Alec was indeed blind so that kind of thing should be normal for him by then.

“I…” Magnus left the pan on the side and turned to face Alec who was really hesitant then.

“What is it, Alexander?”

The man lowered his head against his chest and Magnus came to him, standing by his side. He didn’t know what was happening and needed to make sure Alec was alright. However, Alec seemed defeated, not his usual, confident, self and he got worried.

“Yesterday you rushed out and when you came back you started painting while I talked, what did you do?”

At Alec’s words, Magnus’ eyes went straight to the painting leaning against the windows. Would he be able to explain things to Alec halfway the way Alec had explained them to him? He wished he had done some justice to his words but still, he wanted him to know.

“Would you like to see it?” Magnus asked and he noticed how Alec flinched next to him, so he hurried to speak again, “I know I sound ridiculous but I’ve read about how blind people touch things in order to see them. The paint is not fully dry yet but if you let me guide you…”

Magnus noticed then how Alec’s parted lips made a big circle in understanding. Magnus breathed in relief when Alec nodded.

He moved to the side and gave Alec room to get up and he positioned himself in front of Alec, guiding his hand to his forearm and walked with him to the windows; once there, he moved behind Alec and took his hand, guiding it toward the canvas. Magnus felt Alec’s hand shivering a little—he was certain he wouldn’t have noticed if he weren’t holding it—but then, Alec closed his hand with Magnus’ in it and brought them to his chest.

“Are you sure? What if I ruin it?”

“You  never could, Alexander, I promise.”

Alec nodded and Magnus finally put Alec’s hand on the edge of the canvas, where the paint was smeared. He heard as Alec’s breathing changed and then the tiniest chuckle escaped the man’s mouth and Magnus simple smiled.

“This is the water of Lake Tahoe, I hope I made justice to it. It starts in a dark hue of blue and then as you move to the center it changes to aquamarine and even some green from the stones underneath it, you know?”

Magnus saw as Alec nodded again, and Magnus could tell he was overcome with emotion. He was holding Alec’s hand so that only his fingertips would touch the canvas, and was looking for parts where the paint was drier.

“I made a small harbor, like the one you told me about? The one for people to put their feet in the water? It’s dark brown, you did say there were parts where the wood was old and rotting, and some logs are a bit lighter, the ones that were replaced.”

Magnus felt his heart beating fast, overcome by emotions himself. He’d never explained a painting of his to anyone before, and this was just a first in many ways. Alec sniffled then, and Magnus stole a quick glance at him. He had tears on his eyes, and his hand was fully resting on Magnus’ as if trusting him with showing him again.

“Here are the trees, with their high tops and the perfectly shaped branches. I have to check with a real picture to see if I managed to do it right, but yeah, I painted pines, which I’m sure are just a tad taller than you.”

Alec really laughed then and Magnus’ heart skipped a beat by how honest it sounded and by how he put his other hand on his mouth to cover it.

“And this is the sky. Light blue and bright, no clouds, and the sun is shining, reflecting on the water, here,” Magnus finished moving Alec’s fingers over that very spot on the paint.

They were quiet for a moment before Alec took a step back. Magnus noticed how he withdrew from him and cleaned his eyes, forcing Magnus to look away. He moved to the side and gave Alec enough room to move.

“Do you want me to help you back to your seat?” he asked, not knowing what to say, and Alec shook his head, “alright, you’re facing the windows toward the garden, the kitchen island is right behind you.”

Alec turned once he was sure where he was standing and went back to his seat, turning the iPad on and finally listening to the news. Magnus watched him and smiled to himself. He had never seen anyone react to a painting of his in this way, so moved that he himself had felt at the verge of tears. Alec was so honest with what he felt that it took him aback every time he noticed something.

He turned the fire on again and shimmered the omelet one last time before serving it on plates and putting one in front of Alec.

“It smells good,” Alec announced and Magnus turned away blushing. He set the coffee maker and then sat in front of him to eat.

“Here you go,” Magnus said once the coffee was ready and he brought it to the table.

“Thank you, Magnus,” Alec said and he didn’t know what he was talking about, whether it was about the painting or the food. He decided not to ask. It had already been an emotional day and it was barely seven in the morning.

 

***

 

What can you do when someone has given you a little of that one thing you never thought you could have again?

Alec felt his senses overwhelmed in a way they hadn’t been since he’d first found out he’d lost his sight. What Magnus had just done for him had made him sob and cry a little and he knew this had unlocked many emotions and feelings he’d kept to himself for the longest time.

Would he ever be able to explain to Magnus how the oil paint had felt under his fingertips? Or how it still smelled so powerful even though it had been drying all night?

It was silly, he thought, but he was used to this thing that Magnus had gone through, to open his mind to create things from nothing, to hear someone say something and feel a tingle in his hands that would send him to the drawing table for hours.

Magnus had described the painting and he had been able to picture it in his mind, the water, every rock underneath it, the trees, the sky. His fingers were stained, he could feel a lithe layer of paint on them but he wouldn’t say anything to Magnus just yet. He wanted to keep the paint there until the imagery was so engraved in his brain that he would never forget it.

It was the texture of the paint and the creases it made over the fabric of the canvas. The way the brush had created indentations and the way it got deep at some parts while it came out in others. It was also the way in which Magnus was holding his hand, carefully as if it could break if he held it too hard but with enough confidence to know exactly which places to touch and which to skip. And Magnus’ touch felt welcoming, he really wanted to show him and his hand was soft and his skin felt warm. Alec’s heart drummed in his ears. No one had come so close to him in those three years and here was Magnus telling it was okay to trust in others. To trust in him. For Magnus had had a hard time coming out with this painting of his and this was the result of listening to him and being able to translate his words into images.

It didn’t matter that he couldn’t see the painting per se. Alec could feel it and it was vibrant and it was alive, and for a spec of a second it was something of his, he had created again, this time with his words and the world had been light again, not darkness and he had felt whole.

Magnus had taken his time with him and Alec was grateful for it. For the fact that Magnus didn’t treat him like he was less of a person because he couldn’t see. For the fact that he had opened the world to him in a way that had left him speechless for he hadn’t believed it possible back then when the accident happened.

Even if he was so undeserving, he was still thankful. So very much.

“Thank you, Magnus,” he finally said. He knew his voice was about to break, so he focused on his food which was also so good. He hadn’t had so much fresh food in a while, and the fact that Magnus could easily make something for them to eat was a good thing. Besides, his mom’s food was already spoiled and he would’ve had to survive on coffee and whatever snacks were around the house if it weren’t for Magnus’ cooking. He even had to check if the groceries box was outside to get it in.

He was also thankful because Magnus hadn’t made a big fuss about this whole thing. Another tick to add to the list of his caretaker’s good deeds.

They ate in silence. He could hear Magnus chewing carefully and how he moved in his seat and yet, he didn’t say anything.

“Did you sleep well last night?” Alec asked. He had forgotten about asking Magnus earlier, what with the painting and everything and felt like a terrible host.

“Actually, I did. I just need to go home and change into some clean clothes, I wasn’t planning on spending the night, you know?”

Alec nodded. Of course not. Stopping by, according to Magnus himself, had been impromptu and was supposed to be about the flowers pots and not the painting.

“Right, what do the flowers look like, by the way?”

“Right now they’re like a splodge of color here and there, but I think they’ll be beautiful by the time Meliorn can make a flower bed for them. The tree needs some TLC according to him, so there’s that too,” Magnus spoke, his voice revealing a little excitement over the garden.

“Meliorn? TLC? What are you talking about?” he asked and must’ve made a face because Magnus started laughing across the table.

“Meliorn is a friend and he owns a flower shop not far from here. Anything you need to know about flowers and plants, he’s the guy to go to; if I didn’t know him any better, I’d say he’s a garden fairy, and when I had this idea I came to him and we’ve been working on it...and TLC according to him is tender loving care, he says we can save the tree and it’d be a lovely thing to do. Maybe once we’re done with it, I’ll take you downstairs to walk around your new garden and not the dry plot you have back there right now.”

“You are actually happy about this, aren’t you?” he asked as he finished eating. Magnus did sound happy and ready to start planting seeds and whatnot. Alec put that into a small corner in his brain. This was a man who actually cared about others, in any form, and that was a rare thing to find.

“I actually am, Alexander. I’m an artist, creating and changing things is my thing. I love the feeling of clay in my hands when I’m working on something, or the oil paint when I’m in front of a canvas. I just love bringing things to life, Alexander, plus, I’m also fond of beautiful things.”

Alec nodded at Magnus’ words and decided not to elaborate any further. Every word he had said was true and it resonated to him in profound ways. He had been an artist too in his own way. There were places which were not the same anymore because he had touched them. He had changed lives, changed the way people would see at things.

Didn’t Magnus himself say that he had loved the gallery downtown? And Magnus hadn’t known back then that he had been the one behind it.

Alec couldn’t lie to himself or hide anymore and it was Magnus’ fault in a way. No, he thought, it was his fault completely. The man had disrupted his life and he still didn’t know what to do about it. For now, his heart was happy, a strange feeling he hadn’t made his for a while, so he was willing to let it pass.

“I think I’m going to do some laundry and exercise,” Alec stood up and he heard Magnus moving in his seat as well, he didn’t pay any attention but heard him picking up dishes and cups and putting them away. Alec stopped for a second and turned to him, “Magnus, if you don’t mind, would you help me put the furniture in the parlor in its right place? I’m still a bit lost…” he knew he was blushing. He wasn’t used to asking for help like this. He was the grumpy giant at the end of the street; he didn’t ask, he ordered, well, his family had decided that doing what he wanted had been better than going against him, so, he’d live up to the name even if he hadn’t really meant it like that.

“Sure, Alexander and I’m still so sorry…”

“Don’t be… look at what you did, that’s just wow…” he pointed toward the window, hoping it had been to the canvas and turned to leave, stretching his hands to be able to walk out on a decent way.

He stopped again, this time by the stairs and called Magnus. The man came to him and Alec fidgeted a moment not knowing how to speak for a moment.

“You don’t have to go to your house yet...or go after lunch, I mean...you’ve technically been looking after me since yesterday so...there are clothes in my closet, maybe you can find something to wear? Plus, there’s a bath bomb with your name on it…”

Alec smiled and didn’t give Magnus any time to answer. He just felt the heat going up to his ears. He didn’t know how to say thank you beyond those two words. Perhaps Magnus would read between lines and understand that he wanted to do just that, thank him for what he did. He hoped  Magnus would get him.

He realized as he went upstairs to get his dirty laundry that everything had changed right then and hoped he wasn’t cold enough to destroy this fresh start that seemed like the real one. He hoped he could still find good things to hold on to and keep acting like a proper human being and not like the jerk he’d been for weeks.

 

***

 

 

After Alec left him with his mouth opened and gasping for air, trying to figure out what to say, Magnus simply shook his head and turned toward the painting. He grabbed it from the frame and brought it upstairs with him, to the guest room. He left it by the window again and sat down on the still unmade bed.

What a strange week he’d had. He and Alec had sort of danced around each other—and he knew a thing or two about dancing as it was something he loved—they had come back and forth but it seemed like they were finally coming to an agreement. Once this week was over and the Penhallow lady accepted his commission, he could call Luke and could tell everyone about the exhibition and then, it was back to reality and to his paper. He had now over a hundred pages to review and he knew that he was still behind. However, he was better now than he had been in months, so it wasn’t all bad.

Definitely not.

Magnus heard a door open and close on the other side of the hall and then footsteps. Was this the way Alec found out about everything? Just listening to cues and noises, anything to find his bearings? He felt suddenly ashamed. He had indeed created mayhem at Alec’s and couldn’t fathom how bad it had been.

Of course, he was going to put it all back to normal. He didn’t want Alec to have a bad time trying to find his footing around his own house.

There was also the issue of the two-month trial period. What would happen once it was over? Did he have to send Maryse a note saying he wanted to continue or would he just go on? He’d have to talk to her about it.

He went to Alec’s room and rummaged through his clothes. They were mostly dark colors but in hindsight, they suited him. His fair complexion and dark hair were already gorgeous enough to look good on anything. After all, it was his eyes what stole the show.

In spite of their work relationship, Magnus wasn’t going to pretend his boss wasn’t a fine looking man, much less since it was the plain truth. He shook the thought off as he looked for some sweatpants and a T-shirt to go with his favorite Converse. He found some new socks and underwear buried in a drawer and made a note on his phone to replace those as soon as he could. Perhaps he would take the afternoon off and get them.

Magnus felt strange as he went to the bathroom. Just a couple of days before he’d cleaned Alec’s hands and feet off oil paint right there. He had to stop, he reminded himself, Alec was not mad at him, he had told him he could bring his stuff to the brownstone in the first place, and it had been he, Magnus, the one who should’ve known better. He hadn’t had any need to move things around, but the brownstone was such a beautiful, inspiring place he had believed he only needed the right spot just to have ended up painting in the kitchen while listening to Alec. He felt bad for having caused such a mess and for having given Alec such grief.

He looked for a clean towel in the cabinet there and then under the sink for the bath bomb he was most definitely going to use. His Sunday and Monday reversed, he might as well just listen for once and relax a little. He’d managed to meet his deadline thanks to Alec and he needed to find a way to thank him.

On a second thought, he told himself, he could just take a quick shower instead of using the bath bomb Alec had reminded him of, and do his job quickly. He had an idea as to how to thank Alec and he wanted to use the free time Alec had offered him to have that afternoon.

One thing at a time, he reminded himself.

Magnus wanted a quick shower but being honest, the damn thing was good. Once he graduated the water to the heat he liked, he simply enjoyed the way the water took away whatever he was feeling. He noticed his hair falling longer long on the front and decided he needed to make a visit to his barber soon. Even Alec’s soap smelled good and it felt even better on his body. It was like he didn’t want to leave that shower.

Once he was done though, Magnus felt he had very little time to lose. He got off the shower reluctantly and dried himself as fast as possible and walked out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist. Alec was coming upstairs at the same time, making Magnus stop on his tracks. He knew Alec couldn’t see him and yet, he felt naked in front of him. Not that he wasn’t but still. Magnus closed his eyes, trying to catch his breath.

“Why didn’t you use the tub?” Alec asked him from two steps below and Magnus leaned against the bathroom door. He wanted to say something but he stuttered and noticed how Alec tilted his head to the side.

“Sorry...I...I’ve abused your kindness enough. I’ll be out of your hair soon,” he finally said which made Alec snort.

“Too late for that, you've put up with me all this time, now you wanna bail out?”

Magnus lowered his shoulders when he heard the mockery in Alec’s voice.

“Not what I meant. Let me get dressed and I’ll come to help with the house and whatever else you need, it’s the least I can do, and if it’s okay, I’ll take your word and have the afternoon off.”

He saw Alec nod and waited for him to keep walking to his room. Magnus let out a sigh and then saw Alec turning to him.

“Did you find any clothes that fit you?” he asked him and Magnus didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t really checked and so he was as honest as possible.

“I don’t know. I got some sweatpants and a tee. I also owe you some new boxers and socks so there’s that,” he admitted not without blushing.

“It’s okay. Izzy thinks my house is her personal storage unit and brings new stuff all the time as you might’ve noticed. Let me know if you need anything else,” Alec offered and Magnus nodded, realizing immediately that he couldn’t see him.

“Yeah...I mean, sure…” he said as Alec walked into his room and he rushed to the guest room. He finally breathed once inside.

 

Maryse Lightwood walked into the brownstone at almost noon. By then, Alec had already bossed Magnus around to set up the parlor back in place. Alec had a good memory of where everything was and Magnus was astonished by the way his brain worked. From the threshold to the center there were roughly five steps. Alec spoke in inches and he had to look for a measuring tape down in Alec’s office. Magnus had followed his instructions and paid close attention to them.

Alec had finally been content once he could walk around even though he did complain about an inch or two here and there. He’d learn it and get used to it, Alec had said, and Magnus was grateful the conversation had ended on a happy note.

He hadn’t told Alec he’d found the Play-Doh on a different shelf. Magnus remembered smiling as he had grabbed it to put it back on its place, not over the board games; that was a small victory for him but he wouldn’t gloat. The fact that Alec was using the games and now the Play-Doh was a huge step. Next time, they could try to do something together, or so he hoped. For now, he was just happy Alec was actually trying, so all was good, in spite of Alec’s massive display of OCD.

Well, Alec had the right to be like that. He needed to have everything in a specific place and it must have been hard enough to learn things the way he had. The least he could do was give Alec what he needed in order for him to be okay. He was sure the weekend had been tough and was glad Jace had been there for Alec. Now things were fine, at least he wanted to believe they were, and Alec was resting upstairs.

Maryse had walked in that day not only with the usual amount of containers but also with a few steamy pots. Magnus had stopped on his tracks as he was checking the fridge to see what he could use to make lunch when it happened and wasn’t surprised when Greta had kicked him out of the kitchen and he was faced with a serious looking Maryse Lightwood in the dining room.

“Good to see you, Magnus. How are you?” she said in a voice that startled him. Maryse, though never overly friendly, had never been cold either. Magnus noticed she was guarded when speaking to him and wondered what could have happened.

Alec walked in then, and he noticed how Maryse flinched and how Alec looked remorseful, his head was down, and he felt the air in the room changing. Maryse stiffened then and Magnus realized Greta was walking out of the kitchen using the door leading to the end of the hallway.

Magnus excused himself, though he stayed by the staircase, while Greta disappeared, perhaps upstairs to clean up Alec’s room. Whatever there was left to clean up anyway, as he’d already done his laundry. He realized then that Alec usually did his laundry early in the morning, perhaps to not let Greta do it? He hoped he remembered to ask him later.

He heard Maryse and Alec talking and by instinct, he moved toward the parlor, but stayed by the wall, leaning against it. He could hear them talking in whispers at first, but then Alec raised his voice and the desperation in it took Magnus by surprise.

“I’m trying to apologize, mama!” he heard Alec say and his heart ached for the younger man.

“Like you did the other day when you told me to not bring anyone here and leave you alone? I can’t take this anymore, Alec!”

“Are you giving up on me now?” it was then that Alec’s voice broke and he heard footsteps, high heels, which made him think it was Maryse the one walking to Alec. He felt the impulse of walking in and ask Maryse to leave, but then, Maryse interrupted Alec and his heart broke with her words.

“Give up on you?! Are you out of mind? Alec, you are my son and you’re stuck with me until your dying breath or mine, but you can’t tell me I can’t feel hurt by you or your actions. I’ve been patient, I’ve let you have it your way all this time. You’ve quit your therapy, you’ve never been back home, you barely ever speak to your father. None of this has been easy to any of us, but I’ve let you deal with things your way. Your call that night? It left me in tears and regretting every decision I’ve made. If it were my choice, Alec, I wouldn’t let you out of my sight, you’d have me here twenty-four-seven, but I had to learn to trust you and others. I brought Magnus here as my last resource to come close to you and if you haven’t noticed, you and I have spoken more during this month than in the past three years, so no, I’m not firing him, and no, I’m not giving up on you either.”

Magnus heard her words and stood straight at the mention of his name. He then heard Alec sniffling and saying he was sorry, over and over. He had no idea what he was sorry for, apart from his conversation with Jace the week before, he didn’t know what else might have transpired between the Lightwoods; however, hearing Alec’s sobs made him realize how much he loved his mom and how hard it had been for him to keep them away.

Hurt puppy alright. He had to find the goddamn Jimmy Choos Catarina wanted so badly and give them to her, after all, had it not been for his friend, he wouldn’t be there at all.

Alec and Maryse kept talking for a while and Magnus figured he’d eavesdropped enough. There were things he still needed to put away and there were the flower pots in the garden he still needed to photograph from another angle.

Magnus went downstairs and when he wanted to use the door leading to the garden, it was locked, with an actual padlock. He wasn’t surprised as he was sure Alec had never opened that door and it looked like the thing had been there for the longest time. He walked into Alec’s office and just like the first time, he felt overwhelmed by it. That place was a testament to the man Alec had once been.

Magnus wasn’t one to pry on people’s affairs but he couldn’t help it and walked around, paying close attention to the office and everything in it. It seemed the suitcases with the giant Jenga were still untouched as they were in the same position he’d left them back when he’d brought them there. He found Alec’s models and blueprints in the same place, a thin layer of dust covering them. He crouched and found a cardboard box on the lower shelf of the bookcase and he opened it, finding Alec’s now dried paints and brushes. They seemed to have been in the same conditions they were last washed and put away. The hair on the brushes was stiff but clean and as he opened the paint, he found it hard to the touch and useless.

Magnus sighed. Alec had created such wonderful things, he’d seen the gallery and could only imagine what else a successful architect like him could’ve done and felt sad to know he had lost the will to keep trying. Alec was perfectly functional but had never dared explore architecture beyond losing his eyesight; after all, it seemed as if Alec had felt there wasn’t much else to lose.

He looked around the office until he found a hammer in a toolbox left forgotten somewhere on a corner and he used it to hit the padlock until it broke and he could open the door. The dry air from the garden hit him on that sunny summer day and he wondered what the place would be like with enough green and some grass. If things were right, Meliorn vision would come to life and the garden with it.

“Magnus! What was all that noise?!” he turned to look and found Maryse talking to him from the deck outside the kitchen, he wanted to answer but the woman was coming downstairs and was soon in front of him, her hands on her hips.

“My apologies, I wanted to come here and there was a padlock and no key so I figured…”

“You’d rather destroy it than ask any of us,” she said matter-of-factly and Magnus hid a shy grin.

“Actually, the thing looked so old I figured there wasn’t any key anywhere. I’m very sorry,” he apologized one more time and he noticed how Maryse turned to look away from him and to the azaleas. He let her be, apprehensive as he felt after having heard part of her conversation with Alec.

“These are new,” she said pointing at the flowers and Magnus nodded. When she came to stand next to him, he shrugged and explained himself.

“I’m just trying to bring the garden back to life. I talked to a florist friend of mine and we’re looking for a way to do it. I’m completely ignorant when it comes to plants but he’s an expert and he asked me to bring those to see how they would fit here, let me show you.”

Magnus looked for his phone in the sweatpants pocket and started showing Maryse his sketches and what Meliorn had done. For a moment he couldn’t see any expressions on her face but then it softened and she turned around, wiping a tear from the look of it.

“Last week at the penthouse, when we met...what I’m trying to say is I’m very sorry for it, I shouldn’t have called you like that, I should’ve explained things better...I…” she began but then the tears overtook her and Magnus nodded.

“You don’t have to apologize, Maryse. I don’t think I would’ve done things differently had the situation been reversed,” Magnus said and it was Maryse who nodded this time.

“Alec…he has gone through so much and yet, he still finds a way to surprise me. He hasn’t…my son has been a difficult person to handle since the accident, he’d never apologized for anything until today. I don’t know what it is you’re doing with him but don’t stop. You’re helping him so much, and sure, he doesn’t say it but I know he is okay with having you around even if there are days that are harder than others.”

Her words took him aback. There hadn’t been any indication of what Maryse had said but then again he didn’t really know Alec. Jace had had to intervene so that Alec let him explain himself but then, he’d been acting different lately. He’d opened his house for him. He was actually wearing Alec’s clothes right then, although he didn’t mention it to Maryse. Not better, not trying to amend things but just different. It was a good thing.

“Yes, ma’am. That’s what I’m here for,” he gave her a small smile and Maryse returned it.

“Send me the bill, I’ll take care of any expenses,” she said pointing at the garden as she turned toward the staircase back to the kitchen.

Magnus looked at Maryse one more time and saw her disappear up on the deck, and he wondered where Alec might be, with his spidey-senses, he was sure he heard the hammering too. He’d apologized for the padlock and would get a new one later, he promised himself. He wrote ‘padlock’ on the note on his phone and held it in his hands for a second or two.

He went back to the task at hand and took pictures of the flowers pots and their potential flower bed. He realized how big the place was and how Meliorn’s idea would work just fine. He had to check the address with him to be able to get the benches and the table and chairs they wanted there. He was sure the garden would look beautiful in the cold months. And he was going to be there to watch it, after all, he loved winter.

 

***

 

 

After his mom had left and he and Magnus had had a silent lunch, Alec had gone straight to his room. He had felt as if the world was lifted off his shoulders while he still could feel its full weight on them. He had found it hard to explain himself and had resorted to silence.

Magnus had agreed on taking the rest of that Monday off and although Alec had hesitated at first—thinking that he should perhaps stay a bit longer—he had also known he needed this time off as well. The weekends, his usual time for himself and-or he and his family, were changing and the last two were proof of it.

He had taken a pill to prevent a headache and had fallen asleep for the rest of the day. He’d just woken up late at night, had munched on some leftovers from lunch, and had gone back to bed after brushing his teeth. A simple routine, that’s all he wanted.

He woke up to a pounding headache after all and he simply tried to let it go by having a proper breakfast and resting on the couch. That’s where Magnus found him when he arrived at his usual time on Tuesday. Alec had pretended to be asleep, he had been afraid of facing Magnus, still didn’t know why, but he felt as if his conversation with his mom had carried on until that very day.

Would he be able to explain himself? Was there anything to explain at all?

Alec allowed himself to be lulled by the sounds around him. Magnus’ steps were confident and rhythmic and he focused on those. Had Magnus been a dancer? He got lost in thoughts of Magnus and how he moved around and the next thing he knew, something—or rather someone—was shaking him until he was fully awake and sat up on the couch at once, which did nothing to help his head as he felt dizzy from the sudden movement.

“You okay, Alec?” Lydia said and he took a moment to recognize where he was and what was happening.

“What are you doing here?” Alec asked as he brought his fingers to his temple, putting some pressure there. He felt as Lydia grabbed him by the chin to examine him, the movement not really helping his dizziness.

“Just my scheduled visit to see how you’re doing,” she answered nonchalantly and Alec shook his head just a little. He heard Lydia ask Magnus for something and the next thing he knew he heard the other bouncing up the stairs. “Are the headaches back?” she asked him in a more serious tone this time and he didn’t know what to say. The headaches were happening quite a lot lately, but they usually happened after he’d had a major situation with someone, which he explained to her as best as he could.

“I can hear the wheels turning in your head, Lydia,” he said and he could imagine a mostly blank face looking at him. A blur. He would love to put features to the image he had of Lydia in his mind. He knew her eyes were blue, big, and expressive. It was the one thing she’d ever described for him, as she had always challenged him to find out by himself, something he’d never done. She had a pretty laugh from the sound of it, too. Lydia was a genuine person and he’d liked that since the first day. He just didn’t have any kind of reference to make her out in his mind.

“It’s okay, Alec. Your eyes are responding to stimulus, which is good. Let’s do your exercises and we’ll take it from there, okay?”

Alec nodded and he noticed how her hands were extra careful this time. Not that Lydia had ever been inconsiderate with him or anything. However, when it came to his sessions, she was relentless and he’d learned to follow her lead and let her do. Lydia knew what she was doing and he trusted her. She was just guiding his head slower, pushing a little to help him stretch the muscles on his neck better, but still; the way her hands felt on his neck and face was different.

He wanted to ask her what was going on but decided against it. He didn’t know what to say in the first place.

Once they were done, she put the drops in his eyes and he blinked a few times. The drops stung just for a few seconds and he cleaned the corner of his eyes before sitting straight up.

“We didn’t go downstairs for this,” Alec pointed out and he could tell there was something bothering her. “What is it, Doc? I promise I’ve been good.”

“That’s the thing, Alec, you’ve been good, now, what’s changed?” she said in a stern voice that gave Alec no room for diversion. He’d always liked that about Lydia, she would be straightforward when no one else would. She would speak her mind while being compassionate and what he liked the most was that she’d never tried to hide things for him, no matter how hard they had been in the past.

He thought about what the past weeks had given him. Well, that was how he’d decided to approach things, silver linings if there were any. His caretaker had forced him to look after himself in a different way. Alec had cried and had thrown tantrums. He’d also been closer to his brother than he’d been in the past years and the relationship with his mom, well, if their last conversation wasn’t an indication of the love she still had for him, then he didn’t know what could be. He might be getting it all wrong, though. There were still so many things he didn’t understand and so many others he wanted to figure out, but for now, he was content with going back to a routine. Whatever those routines could be, after all, everything was different. It had all been disrupted.

So, Alec told her about that. He just stated facts about what had happened. How he had walked out of the house a few times already, how that had been a new experience, how Magnus had bought the whole Helen Keller shop for him so that he did things. He told her about the Play-Doh and how he’d spent a whole weekend playing Monopoly with his siblings.

Facts only. He didn’t mention how he’d broken down on the phone, begging his mom to fire Magnus because he was convinced he was spying on him. Or how he’d felt sparkles and a sort of light coming from Magnus’ skin when he’d touched him on the Fourth of July, or how the food Magnus had brought from his dad’s was the most delicious thing he’d tasted in recent years.

And he most certainly didn’t mention the painting Magnus had made of Lake Tahoe and how he’d felt as he’d explored it. He hid his hands, rubbing his fingers, thinking they were still a bit dirty with oil paint.

“That’s a lot to take in. How was walking around? Did you use your walking stick?” she asked and he heard her inquisitive tone. This was his therapist on doctor mode and it was an interesting thing to hear, after all, she’d never sugar coated things for him and he could always count on her telling him the truth.

“It was okay, it’s just…” he hesitated. There was no way he could explain this to her in a different way and he took a deep breath before doing it.

“What, Alec?”

“Magnus has been watching these videos and he’s been able to guide me and describe things for me, like the place where we had lunch at, Jace...I love my brother but he had no idea what he was doing,” he chuckled and he heard Lydia laugh softly.

“You can’t blame Jace, I bet he wasn’t expecting you to go with him,” Alec tried to picture Lydia in his mind again, her voice distracting him. She would probably be looking to the side, her hand over her mouth, a gesture she’d told him about once.

“What do you look like, Lydia?” he blurted out and he heard her gasp. He figured she was sitting on the coffee table in front of him and he moved in his seat, pushing forward toward her. He heard the rustle of clothes and how her breathing changed. That was something he never thought could happen. “May I?” he offered, showing her his hands. Alec waited for a few seconds and was already pulling his hands against his body when she grabbed them, bringing them to her face.

Alec smiled and started to explore Lydia’s face. It was soft and he could tell she was wearing light makeup. That was something Izzy made him go through when he was relearning her face, figure out whether she was wearing any makeup or not. She had almond-shaped eyes, and chiseled cheeks that came down round toward her mouth although her jaw was sharp-angled. Her ears were small and she was wearing a ponytail, was a part of her hair braided too? Her nose was small, with fine lines, and her eyes were wrinkled on the corner, perhaps she was smiling, he wasn’t sure. Her bottom lip was fuller than the top and he smiled broadly when she pulled back a bit.

“I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said, apologizing to her.

“It’s okay, Alec,” Lydia said. “I think I’ve overstayed my welcome, so I’ll get going now. Same time, same day in two weeks, alright?” she finished and Alec noticed she sounded a bit in a hurry.

As she was leaving, he heard Magnus walking down the hallway and he went to the kitchen to get some ice cream from the freezer. He grabbed a pint and a spoon and sat down at the parlor, in the chair by the window. There was a soft breeze coming from the garden and he thought he should perhaps open the window there too, but he got distracted by his ice cream.

Alec figured Lydia was shaken by what he’d done. He had never tried to touch someone’s face that wasn’t his family, but he’d grown curious over the past weeks. Lydia had been there for him through all that time and he had no way to know how much her face had changed over the past three years like he could tell Jace’s. It had been a couple of weeks since he’d last seen Izzy as well and he’d barely ever dared touch his mom’s.

He was grateful, though. In spite of his condition, there were people who would still try and be around him on their own volition. And even if it was going to be temporarily, like Magnus, he was coming to terms with the fact that they actually wanted to be there for him.

For once he would count his blessings instead of his sins and would enjoy his ice cream as he did so.

 

***

 

Magnus opened the door for Dr. Branwell and they made small talk. How things were, how her husband was, his dissertation, Alec must’ve been passed out as Magnus barely registered a sound coming from the parlor, and that was quite a feat in itself. He shook his head as he went to the kitchen and noticed from there how delicate Lydia had looked at Alec before waking him up.

He got a bottle of water and some cleaning supplies from the cleaning cupboard and left them to their own thing. He wanted to talk to Lydia but he knew he’d have to wait until she and Alec were done and that roughly gave him about half an hour, forty minutes, tops.

He went down to Alec’s office and started cleaning it. He took the models and cleaned them thoroughly, noticing how Alec had crafted each of them. He even found the one for the gallery he had visited, smiling when he remembered seeing the place with his own eyes. There weren’t many models there and he wondered if Alec had another office or a storage unit where he could be keeping the rest.

The blueprints also showed Magnus how Alec’s mind worked. The design was intricate and simple at the same time. He wanted to know how he managed to do that, it was fascinating how architects would make sense of something that other people would not or simply could not see. Every time he found something about Alec, it felt as if he were lifting layer after layer and the deeper he went, the more he wanted to discover.

That Alec let him, well, that was another thing.

Magnus was on his way back to the kitchen when he saw Alec touching Lydia´s face. He lost track of time just watching them; the way Alec´s hands moved on her face and how she seemed to be overcome by her own emotions. He left the cleaning tools back in the cupboard and turned to look at them again, a teary-eyed Lydia saw him and he followed her as she said goodbye to Alec.

He caught up with her on the street when she was putting away her things in the trunk of her car and saw her crying.

“Are you okay?” he asked her and she nodded, putting one hand on her hip and the other one on her chest. Magnus gave her a moment to put herself together and he crossed his arms on his chest.

“He’d never touched my face before, you know?” she answered in a simple way. Magnus knew it was the truth and stretched his hand, reaching for her arm. “It’s okay, it’s just that...Alec has gone through so much and he’d been so difficult to handle for so long…”

“You seem to be able to handle him alright,” Magnus chimed in, making her smile widely.

“I have to, I can’t let him not take care of himself. By the way, he said he hasn’t had a headache lately, is that true?” she asked as she wiped a final tear from her eye.

“Well, the thing is he did have a major one a couple of weeks ago, right after we came back from a walk…” Magnus began speaking and Lydia interrupted him by grabbing him from the arm.

“Yes, Alec just told me about it, I just didn’t connect the dots,” Magnus nodded and the disbelief in his face must have been evident for Lydia patted him on the arm. “No wonder he looked different today. Whatever you’re doing, Magnus, keep doing it. Ever since he moved to this house, he hasn’t gone past the front door, and now he’s taking walks, and even touching the face of people who are not his family, that’s a huge milestone for him.”

“That’s the thing, Lydia, he’s so different from the man I met when I came here and it mustn’t be easy for him, I’ve seen how much he loves his family, I don’t get why everyone keeps so much distance from him,” Magnus said and when he turned he saw Alec’s shape through the curtain. He was eating something, and he turned to look back at Lydia who had an unfathomable expression.

“There are things I can’t share with you because they belong to his medical records and I can’t break confidentiality. All I can say is that you’ve been good to him, even if you still don’t see it yourself.”

“I haven’t treated him different than I treat other people, besides, he’s a nice person when he wants to, so…”

“So, don’t give up on him and keep doing your job. Keep him company, talk to him, keep treating him like a person, not someone with a disability, Alec is still his own person, he just needs to relearn how to do things, and it seems like seeing things under a different light is helping him,” she told Magnus as she walked toward the driver’s door.

“I don’t know what to say,” he answered truthfully and Lydia nodded.

“I know he was difficult, he still is, but he needs some TLC, tender loving care, he needs someone to be here for him, someone who can show him this new world he lives in, and you’re doing a good job so far, so keep it up. I gotta go now, sorry. Take care of him and yourself, Magnus.”

He nodded and opened the car door for her. As she drove away, Magnus looked back at the house. Alec had disappeared by then, and he thought that he’d probably gone to his room.

He was also thinking about what Lydia had said and how she’d used the same words Maryse and Meliorn had used. Perhaps what he was doing with Alec was having an impact, well, if anything, that week had been an eye opener for him. The memories in Alec’s mind were as vivid as anyone else’s, maybe better because he seemed to be the kind of person who paid attention to details. And the TLC thing...that one was even more surprising to him. He walked into the house and closed the door behind him. Alec was nowhere to be seen and he figured he was upstairs as he had already done his morning exercise and the drops in his eyes made him want to close them for a while, he’d seen how after a few minutes of applying the drops, Alec would usually either go to his room or lie down on the couch.

Magnus walked downstairs to the garden and went straight to the back, to the Japanese Maple. He looked at it, noticing a strong trunk and branches. The poor thing needed some care, a hand who would treat it right to be able to get it back in shape. Not that it was bad, it just needed some care. He moved his hands up and down the trunk and felt it alive, or well, he could’ve imagined it, for all he knew. He was certain that it was a simple truth.

Much like it was that he still didn’t know a lot about Alec but was still willing to be there for him. After all, he was his caretaker and Alec was finally letting him look after him.

He gave another good look at the tree. It was standing tall and proud out of sheer will while keeping inside years of neglect. He thought of Alec and figured he and the tree weren’t that different. While the tree couldn’t ask for help because he couldn’t speak, Alec didn’t because he just didn’t know how anymore.

Well, they weren’t really that different, he mused.

He stayed in the garden a bit longer, watching the flowers and taking more pictures. He imagined how some lights would look there, perhaps he could talk Alec into playing with the Play-Doh or one of the board games right there. They could use the door at the laundry room level, the staircase inside was easier for Alec to use anyway. Magnus thought he should take Alec out there some time, even if it was to start to get him familiar with it, but it still needed to be cleaned and he needed to ask Meliorn about the dry ground and how to recover it. He wasn’t sure opening a hose there would do it any good.

When he walked back, he did it through the laundry room. He stole a glance at the office door, but the Jenga and everything else in there would have to wait. He would gather his courage and ask Alec one day, perhaps he would tell him those stories as well. Magnus thought of the paint still resting upstairs in the guest room and looked for the messages app, sending Dr. Grey a picture of it.

**What do you think?** he wrote on the text message before putting his phone away again and going back to the upper floor.

“I thought you were gone,” Alec said from somewhere around the house and Magnus jumped, holding on to the handrail and the wall at the hallway.

“Holy shit, Alexander! You’re a fucking ninja!” he screamed and when Alec walked out from the parlor, he saw his expression was of confusion at first and then he just couldn’t hold it and started laughing.

“Are you okay, Magnus?” he asked him and Magnus made a face, which he knew the other wouldn’t see. “Don’t do that,” Alec warned him and Magnus thought the man must have had his third eye open or something because seriously, how could he know?

“You scared the crap out of me,” Magnus said, his right hand on his chest as he finally managed to breathe properly.

“So, what is it?”

“What is it what?”

“Spiderman or a fucking ninja?” Alec asked in between laughs making Magnus blush. This new side of Alec, the one willing to speak and even make jokes was endearing, no wonder Lydia had been so affected by his behavior and Maryse wouldn’t give up on him. Robert’s overprotectiveness made sense too. It was the siblings who still threw him off his feet. Jace seemed the kind of man who would do anything for Alec, he even managed to convince him to go out with him, but both he and Izzy were around as much as they probably could. Or maybe, as much as they wanted to.

However, given Alec’s usual behavior, he wasn’t so surprised. Baby steps and a fresh start, he reminded himself and imagined Catarina reminding him that Alec was like a hurt puppy. He just hoped he was willing to start healing. He hoped he already was.

“With your skills? A combination of both,” Magnus retorted and came to stand next to Alec. “I’ve got you something, by the way,” he announced and Alec tilted his head just a little, listening to him. Magnus took his hand and brought it to his arm, guiding him to the dining room.

“You...you got me something?” Alec asked him and his tone of voice told Magnus he wasn’t used to these kinds of things. To having someone nice enough to do something for him. Something inside him told him this was good. Once they reached the table, he got him to sit down and he looked for the bag in his backpack.

“Yes, you, now, please don’t be mad, it’s a silly thing but I thought you might want to use it someday…” Magnus was hesitant and with his luck, Alec must’ve had noticed too. “I went to my fave art store and found this, they’re for children, but it’s fingerpaint and I thought you could use it easily, like when I’m not here or something, and it cleans easy too...I just need to figure out where to set up a small studio for you, you know? With the tarp plastic and cardboard and the stuff I got you.”

Alec was quiet, too quiet, in Magnus’ opinion but then he noticed how he sniffed and sat down straight, his hands on his lap.

“May I?”

“What?” Alec asked, confused.

“I need to show you,” Magnus said and Alec nodded, flinching when Magnus touched his hands and put them on the table; they were sweating, he noticed, and smiled a little when he realized he was shaking himself. It was the first time Alec was willing to do anything at all with him and it was a hard thing for him to do. He knew that much. However, he’d also found the Monopoly opened and used, he remembered he’d put it away, and the Play-Doh just a few days ago on the table after a weekend with Jace, he figured this wasn’t going to be any different.

Magnus put Alec’s hands on the tubes of paint and let him touch them, hearing as his breathing got fast. There was a moment when he noticed Alec put his hands away quick, as if he’d gotten burned. Magnus didn’t push him, this wasn’t going to be easy, and he knew it, however, he’d seen Alec’s face when he showed him the paint and he knew this was a  good thing for him.

“You mentioned tarp and stuff?” Alec asked him and his voice was hoarse and deep.

“I got tarp and a huge roll of Kraft paper and another of butcher paper that I have to set up somewhere and...as I said, I basically have to create a mini studio for you,” Magnus explained, he was excited and had to stop himself when he saw the look on Alec’s face. “I don’t want to force you to do anything, Alexander, but I figured you’d like to do this. I mean...not that I would know what you want but...this is fingerpaint for kids, you can wash it off easily, pretty much off anything, so you can use it with or without me around. So…”

“And what if I ever need you?” Alec asked and it broke Magnus’ heart to hear the uncertainty in his voice.

“Well then, we’ll just have to make sure I’m around...and when I’m not, I’ll be just a phone call away,” he answered trying to reassure Alec.

Magnus saw him move his head, in that all too familiar way of Alec, never looking straight at you but it didn’t matter anyway, because you could still feel his eyes focused on you.

“So...how do we do this?”

Alec took him by surprise, he had to admit it. He knew there could be some resistance but when he didn't find any, he simply smiled. Alec was surely giving him a surprise after the next and he couldn’t complain. This was truly their fresh start and he was going to take advantage of that.

“Okay, so...let me cut some tarp to cover the table, I really don’t want to ruin your house,” he said with a smirk. He was glad it wasn’t just him the one trying hard for this new fresh start and he promised himself right then he was going to stop overthinking things so much when it came to Alec. He made sure to use enough tarp to cover the part of the table they were going to use and that it fell to the sides to cover them as well.

Magnus noticed Alec was fidgeting in his seat, and he realized he was as nervous as he himself probably felt right then. He took a deep breath and came to sit next to him.

“I still have to label the tubes, but I can start telling you each color. I got you these little plates to mix them if you want to, and well...I still haven’t figured out how or where to set the paper rolls but I’ll see what I can do.”

Alec had just nodded, moving his head toward Magnus, perhaps following his voice, he mused. Although Alec was in silence while Magnus got everything ready for him, he was grateful when Alec didn’t push away as he took his hand to guide it to the paint. This was silly, he thought, the whole thing, but then Alec smiled, and gave him a big wide smile, that made Magnus think it might not be so silly after all.

“It’s cold!” Alec said and Magnus nodded, but he was happy when he saw him moving his fingers all over the butcher paper he’d cut for him. There wasn’t anything special about it, just Alec moving his hands and opening and closing them as his fingers made circles and whatnot, but Magnus was happy with just that. It was like he was really getting to know the Alec his family missed, the one Maryse had never given up on. Then Alec giggled while putting some more paint on his fingers and Magnus realized this was a game changer. “What color is this?” Alec asked and Magnus obliged, telling him of every color, and letting him smell the paint in each of the squeeze tubes.

 

***

 

 

Alec had a sleepless night. He kept repeating the day in his head amid darkness, yes, but at the same time, all he could think of was color, of the way that damn fingerpaint Magnus had brought for him the day before felt like. All he could think about was the feeling of it in his fingers. It had been so long, and he knew that it was the most stupid thing to let under his skin, but it had really been so long since he’d done anything with his hands, since he’d spent one second creating anything, that he hadn’t been able to help himself.

He knew he couldn’t see what he’d done the day before, and was even more certain that it didn’t qualify as any kind of art, but he was okay with that. Having spent the day playing with the fingerpaint had thrown his whole schedule off and yet he didn’t care. He felt exhilarated in a way he hadn’t feel in a long time.

Besides, it wasn’t as if he were doing anything important on a daily basis anyway.

_I basically have to create a mini studio for you._

Magnus’ words hit him hard as he remembered them. The man had proven to be this force of nature he hadn’t expected in a million years. There was nothing Magnus couldn’t achieve and even if he hadn't given in to Magnus’ ideas right away, he knew he would eventually. He already had. He’d played Monopoly with Izzy and Jace. He’d played with the Play-Doh by himself. He’d gone out for a walk and to eat at a restaurant with him.

Well, whatever, he thought. It wasn’t as if he liked Magnus in any way or anything. They were just in the process of tolerating each other. Magnus was still doing his job, something he was being well paid for, but Alec still believed he didn’t have to go the extra mile buying board games and making stuff like that Jenga he’d told him and his mother about a while ago.

Magnus didn’t need to do anything except showing up at the house, make sure he had eaten something, put on his drops and help him with his exercises every now in a while. Whatever extra he was doing was all on him. Maybe his girlfriend didn’t occupy enough of his time, otherwise, how did he find so much time to do things for himself? After all, he’d told his mom how he’d put velcro in every side of the Jenga blocks, which by the way, he hadn’t even seen yet. No pun intended, he told himself.

Alec thought he’d spent a lot of time not mad at the world lately. Ever since Jace came to his house with Magnus the week before and forced them to speak, he’d felt better. It was horrible, in his opinion, that he was with a person he felt he couldn’t trust every day. He didn’t need to like Magnus or even get along with him, but Magnus was giving him something his family had never been able to do, not really: he never saw him as a disabled person, he didn’t patronize him, and most importantly for him, he wasn’t there to tell everything he did to his parents. It was a kind of freedom he wasn’t used to, and although it wasn’t entirely easy, he was comfortable enough with it to try and just have a nice work relationship with him.

So far, so good, he thought.

This new fresh start, this one, after all the fear and the things he hadn’t dared tell anyone but his mom was good.

When he thought of his mom, Alec sat down in bed. When she came on Monday, they’d had a heart-to-heart conversation. Alec had felt so bad about yelling at his parents that day when he begged them to fire Magnus and felt even worse after having seen him lose his head over his art. His mom had told him she loved him. She had made sure he felt reassured and what she’d told him was true, had it been for her, she’d be with him all day long. She had lost so much already, she had put up with all of them, their fears and their grief. She was probably the one person who hadn’t tried to go away from what had happened when the accident took place.

Alec shivered then. The accident was a memory he wasn’t comfortable visiting. He had enough with carrying the consequences of it, and not even mention the nightmares and the hurt that never really went away. As he felt vulnerable and the pain was so unbearable, he got up from his bed.

**< It is 5:30 a.m.>**

He sighed as he checked the time but he needed to get busy, otherwise, he would end up feeling bad, and he’d had enough of headaches lately. He made sure he put on some shoes and a hoodie and got out of his room.

Alec stood by the staircase close to his bedroom door, to the one that led to the forgotten upper floor of the brownstone. He had mentioned that place to Magnus when he said there was a bathtub up there, and he hadn’t been lying. There were two more rooms up there which shared a full bathroom and a closet. He had no idea whether Magnus had used it or not but it didn’t matter, though. It didn’t change the fact that he hadn’t been up there ever since he moved into the brownstone.

Alec took a deep breath after another as he climbed the steps up, one at a time. He was holding on strongly to the railing and his hands were sweating. He didn’t know why he was so nervous, perhaps it was the fact that this part of the house was one he’d looked forward to transforming back when he’d first set foot in the house. He’d wanted to tear down the walls and make his studio there. It was going to be the whole floor and he was going to have a ceiling-to-floor window pane overlooking the garden.

He just hadn’t been able to tell Magnus about it. That Magnus had taken it upon himself to do something about the garden had been emotional, to say the least. He had put all those plans and all those ideas in a tiny place in the back of his head, where it wouldn’t bother him or bring back memories. He remembered just nodding at the small changes the architect who’d taken over the house had mentioned back in the day. He had just wanted the brownstone to be habitable. No more private bathroom ideas for his room. No more studio, no more garden.

The brownstone had become his safe place as it was. Why would he change what he could no longer enjoy? As long as everything in the house was located in the same place all the time, he didn’t need anything else. Or did he?

Alec exhaled a breath he didn’t realize he was holding once he was on the upper floor. He took a couple more steps and was in front of the first room, the one with the view to the garden and as he turned the doorknob, it screeched as its joints had never been oiled. It smelled of dust and locked up. Of old wood and rotting fabric. There must be some boxes there, he thought. He didn’t remember what his mom and Izzy had put there when they’d furnished the house, so it felt like a completely new place for him.

Alec wrinkled his nose at the smell and probed with his hands, trying to find his whereabouts. He found a long wall to the left and followed it until he reached the windows at the end of the room. He opened them, not without struggling with their lock first, and the cold morning air hit his face. He didn’t mind the cold, though. It was still very early. He hadn’t been able to sleep properly, so, he might as well make use of that time.

As he walked around the room, he bumped into a few boxes placed in the center of it for he could follow the wall and find nothing on his way. There weren’t many, he realized, but they were a few piled up, one box on top of the other and when he touched them with his hands, he was sure they were taller than him. He looked for the edges and put a couple down, opening them one by one.

He found books and old clothes. He touched things as he took them out and found most of his suits or at least he thought so, he’d never really kept tail of them and had no idea what he used to wear anymore. He felt the fabric change texture under his fingers as he took each suit out and smoothed the ties down on his leg. He counted over twenty ties and decided not to care about numbers anymore. He wasn’t planning on using them ever again, so, he thought he might send them to the Salvation Army or to a shelter. He’d have to ask his mom about it.

He knew he should probably call her as soon as it was a proper time but he didn’t want to bother her, and he was trying to be honest with himself, right then, he only wanted to have whatever peace playing with something as simple as fingerpaint would bring him and he wanted to keep it to himself. He had no idea what he’d done the day before, all he knew was that he felt exhilarating right then and that having Magnus as an accomplice and enabler for such a thing wasn’t bad at all. If there was something Magnus seemed to know about was art, and even though what he was doing couldn’t be further from it, he had to admit it was something he didn’t know he needed.

Alec could still feel the texture of Magnus’ painting in his hands, right at his fingertips, the wetness of the paint that hadn’t been dried yet and the feeling of the one that was hardening slowly. Alec sat down on the floor and tipped a box toward him. There were more clothes on that one besides some shoes. It was funny how each object in that box felt so foreign to him. When he could see, he was sure he could have known what color everything was, but would never have been able to recognize the different fabrics and the textures, he would’ve known a leather jacket from a corduroy one from the looks of it, but not from what it felt like to the touch. He could’ve told anyone he had enough clothes for his job, but wouldn’t have been able to tell anything much beyond his favorite jeans, long-sleeved shirt, and perhaps his construction helmet.

Life had been so superfluous back then, and now, well, it was interesting to learn new things, to be able to tell the birds who came to his window in the morning, and how his neighbors liked their coffee in the morning from hear and smell respectively. Now, everything was about what he could feel, and he felt so much and so deep, that it was overwhelming sometimes.

He missed his family very much, and yet, how could he let them back in, he wondered. How could he ask them for forgiveness when he hadn’t been able to forgive himself?

Going through the boxes, opening and leaving everything scattered on the floor was just a bad idea, one he couldn’t get rid of on his own. He needed order, he needed to figure out what he wanted. He could ask Magnus to hand the rolls of paper on the walls, at a height he could reach while sitting down. He could find a table where he could work, but he’d been worried about spilling paint everywhere. The floor was definitely better and he needed something better than tarp. Perhaps he could get those mats for children, the kind that he could clean easily.

Alec sighed. His mind was racing, going a thousand miles per hour in a world he didn’t know anymore. How could he make it work? He suddenly wanted this very much, out of all the things Magnus had come up with for him, this was the one thing he wanted to hold on to the most.

He started to put clothes back in the first box he found. There wasn’t anything there he could want. He had comfortable shoes he could use around the house and jeans and sweaters if he wanted to go out. He had enough clothes to get by. He didn’t need anymore. All the clothes were going in a box although he had no idea how he was putting it all in and the rest of things went on another box, again, he didn’t care. All he could think of was how to remember exactly what the room looked like, he just needed a way to measure it up and decide what he wanted. The place needed a major cleaning, the floor felt dusty and dirty and he could feel it deep in between his fingers. He had to ask his mom for help. She could bring Greta and they could take care of the donations.

Alec felt happy in a way, he had a purpose. He turned around, not sure where the door of the room was but he was trying to look down the hallway and toward the other room, the one with a view to the street. He wondered what was there. He knew his mom had put most of his work things downstairs in the office he’d never been to. Perhaps the room was empty, dirty and full of cobwebs, he was sure. He’d never allowed anyone upstairs. Yet, he had offered the tub in the bathroom on this floor for Magnus to use it. Well, it must be slimy and disgusting, he thought. No wonder he didn’t even try it. That was, if Magnus had been there at all.

He heard someone yelling his name from downstairs and checked the time on his phone quickly.

**< It is 7:55 a.m.>**

Alec cursed in a whisper. Magnus was at the house already and he wasn’t planning on him to find him there, but then again, it was a good thing. He’d been planning changes and all that in the room and Magnus could be his partner in crime if he so decided. He was internally hoping he was. He was hopeful like he hadn’t been in three years. Hopeful in regaining something he’d lost. He couldn’t create something new, or close to what he used to do, but he could enjoy using paint. That was a tiny thing he could have to himself. A moment to forget about everything else and let go of the pain.

“Alec!” he heard again and this time he screamed too, he didn’t know where he was and regardless of that room being in his house, he had no idea where he really was. Reluctantly, he admitted he needed help.

“Upstairs!”

He heard footsteps and then they stopped. He could hear Magnus looking for him on the floor below, near his room and he scoffed. Of course, Magnus wouldn’t know where he was.

“Upstairs, Magnus! One more floor!”

He could almost feel the hesitation in him but then, he heard rhythmic steps coming up the stairs and he waited. He could almost hear Magnus as he stood by the door taking everything in.

“I know you’d mentioned an upstairs once but wasn’t expecting this,” he said and Alec nodded.

“Welcome to the upper floor in the Lightwood brownstone, I guess mom and Izzy decided to put it to use and it’s a storage room, but...I have an idea for it, and I was hoping you’d help me out,” he confessed and felt a flush creeping up his face. He wasn’t used to this, to asking others to help him and he didn’t want to become dependent of Magnus. He was leaving soon, Alec reminded himself, so he might as well take advantage of the time he could still have Magnus around to learn something new.

“Sure, what is it?”

Alec sighed in relief when Magnus simply accepted. He wanted to be able to continue being as independent as he’d been all this time. He just needed some guidance and Magnus could provide it.

It was a win-win situation for the two of them.

 

***

 

 

When he’d walked into Alec’s house and it was met with nothing but silence, he panicked. He’d found the box from the grocery store at the front door and the house was unusually quiet and dark. Not that he’d never found it like that but there had been something different this time.

He had started calling for Alec after not finding him in the laundry room running on the treadmill or in the kitchen having his morning coffee. It wasn’t until Alec responded from upstairs that Magnus did breathe properly again.

Upstairs, that one extra floor he’d never visited before, was a surprise. Alec had mentioned it a few days prior but he’d never ventured beyond Alec’s room and even that room was off limits. He didn’t go there unless it was strictly necessary.

However, it was finding Alec sitting with his back to the door what first caught him by surprise. He must’ve been disoriented for Alec followed his voice as a guide to turn and look at him. Then, it was the boxes and the clothes half put in them—or was it half out? He wondered—and the ridiculous amount of books in a few more. It was Alec’s welcome what stole a smile from him and what made him frown too. Alec had an idea for the room and he was curious as to what it would be.

Of course he was going to help. It wasn’t as if he would just let him to his own devices and to probably hurt himself.

“Sure, what is it?”

The look in Alec’s face gave away his relief and the big smile he gave him took Magnus by surprise. He thought about the last time he’d seen Alec smile and he realized that it’d happened a few times already over the past few days. He’d seen him moved by his emotions from touching his painting, which had prompted him to get him the fingerpaint tubes that were still in the dining table downstairs. They had just played freely with them and he’d seen Alec enjoy it.

It hadn’t been a bad idea after all.

“So, you said something about a mini studio, and I thought this room could be it. I still don’t know how to make it work, where to put the paper rolls you mentioned or what, but this could be a good place for it. I think I have to move this boxes to the room next door, though,” Alec said and Magnus noticed the enthusiasm in his voice mixed with a bit of apprehension. Alec wasn’t taking baby steps anymore, these were bigfoot kind of steps.

“What’s all this?” he asked taking a few venturing steps inside the room. There were a couple of windows leading to the backyard and the light was good there. He checked for a lightbulb but realized it was broken and the floor needed a good cleaning. The dust and moving the boxes around would scratch the wood there and he wanted to avoid that at all cost.

“Old clothes and books, nothing important,” Alec answered shyly. He didn’t want to probe, so he let it be for the time being. “I think it’d be a good studio, right, Magnus?”

He noticed Alec’s face was covered in dust; his sweatpants were too, as he’d been sitting and moving around, pretty much cleaning the floor with them. He looked vulnerable and Magnus kept quiet for an extra second.

“I was checking Pinterest yesterday and I think we can hang the paper rolls on the wall. We’d need to find a way to cover the floor…”

“Mats… like the ones they use for babies, no?”

“And we could clean them once a week. I think Walmart is going to love us buying tons of Lysol wipes every week,” Magnus giggled as he nodded in agreement.

“So, Magnus? Not a bad idea?” he could hear hope in his voice and see it in the expression on Alec’s face and thought he couldn’t say no to him.

“Not at all, Alexander,” he replied giving the place another good look. There was a door to the side, when he opened it, it led to a walk-in closet and bathroom which had another door on the other side. “You want me to move this to the other room then?”

“Yeah, sorry I can’t help. I’ll get Izzy and Jace to help me this weekend if they come to visit,” Alec said, standing up and stretching his hand to look for the nearest wall. Magnus reached to him and grabbed his hand, noticing how Alec squeezed his to keep his footing. “I made a big mess, didn’t I?” Alec grimaced as the words came out and Magnus thought it was adorable how self-conscious Alec was of things and how oblivious he was of everything at the same time.

“It’s okay, some stuff is halfway back and I’m going to have to move the books slowly but I think we can work with this place. May I see the other room?”

Alec nodded and Magnus realized he was still holding his hand. He shook his head slightly and put Alec’s hand on his forearm, guiding him down the hallway. The other room was a bit bigger and there was the other door probably leading to the bathroom and walk-in closet he’d seen from the other side.

This room was empty though. There was a bed that had never been put together, lying against a wall, covered in bubble wrap and dust and a rolled rug. There was nothing else there.

“Magnus?”

“I’m just checking here but there isn’t anything really but a bed and a rug. I’ll get the cleaning stuff and you go shower and get some rest, I’ll take care of it,” he announced and he noticed Alec making a face. “What is it, Alec?”

“You’re infuriating, Magnus,” he said matter-of-factly, taking Magnus by surprise. So much for not going back to mean remarks, he thought. He was about to say something when Alec continued speaking, “you’re worse than me, I don’t accept help because I’m stubborn, what’s your excuse?”

Magnus was left speechless then. It wasn’t every day that Alec would say something about himself that would actually make sense. He was more stubborn than anyone else Magnus had ever met and, even when he could empathize with him, he still believed Alec shouldn’t be isolated from the world.

“I just think you look as if you needed a shower and some rest, Lydia wouldn’t be happy if you got another headache, besides, I’m a big boy, I can take care of things here,” he said in a voice that made it sound like it was all okay although he’d been surprised a moment ago. Talking to Alec was like trying to put together a puzzle without having all the pieces to do so. He saw him look around, not really knowing what was going on and wondered, not for the first time, what could possibly go through Alec’s head.

“I don’t want to impose. I can ask my mom to send someone...I don’t know…”

“I do and we don’t need Greta or anyone else here. I’ll clean up and move things around, maybe not all just today but we’ll be fine. Besides, I have to talk to Meliorn later,” he said before walking to the window to the street. Alec definitely had a beautiful house. He felt sorry for him then, not in a pitiful way, he knew Alec still enjoyed life in his own way, it was more a matter of how sad it was that he couldn’t see the house he’d wanted so much. Such a property wasn’t exactly cheap and even if his parents had helped him pay for it, it was still a shame he couldn’t really see it transformed.

“Okay,” Alec said without arguing much and Magnus couldn’t help it; he was glad. He’d gone through a tough week, dealing with the painting—which he still had to deliver to the gallery—and with everything related to Alec and his parents. They may have come a long way in a few days, but he felt there was a lot more to do and so much more he still didn’t know about.

He’d take his blessings one day at a time, though. He had a new plan and needed to decide how to proceed, clean up the upper floor, sort out the boxes of clothes and books, figure out where else or how to storage what would be put away. And the bed and the rug? He still had no idea what to with them.

“Is everything okay, Magnus?” Alec asked him aloud and he turned to look at him. Alec’s looks would always take him by surprise. It didn’t matter that his beard was growing without control or that his hair was already covering his ears and was a never-ending mess. The man was a piece of art and Magnus thought of the painting back at his house and all the sketches of him he had. He’d realized how much he’d been drawing Alec when he was looking for something to paint, he just figured he’d keep all that to himself. For all purposes, his sketchbook was his journal, a special kind of journal, so he didn’t feel the urge to show it to anybody.

“Yeah, yeah, just figuring things out in my head, like the clothes in the other room and all that,” he told him, a half lie he wouldn’t admit to.

“I was thinking they can be donated to charity and well...the books? I don’t know which ones there are there but they can be used for Braille too, I guess,” he said giving Magnus a shy smile. One that told him that maybe he didn’t want to keep any of the contents in the boxes.

“What do you mean they can be used for Braille?” Magnus asked as he came to stand next to Alec and helped him out. He had to ask about the keys to the rooms and all that but his mind was working already, thinking about painting the walls, and where and how to hang the paper rolls. He had to check the local IKEA to see if he could find a desk. Suddenly, a sort of easel to work on the floor or pretty low didn’t sound so bad. He’d tell Alec all about it once they did Alec’s exercises and put the drops in his eyes.

So much to do and the day was just beginning, he thought.

 

Alec had gone MIA most of the day. After having breakfast and having listened about his sleepless night, he’d convinced Alec to shower and go to bed. He’d come to check on him a couple of times. He used the Swiffer he found in the cabinet to mop the rooms so as to not lift too much dust. He had to cover his mouth and nose quite a few times because of it. Those rooms had been locked up since Alec had moved there, he mused. What a shame he couldn’t use the iRobot there just yet as it would scratch the hard floors and that would be even worse. He’d have to clean them again the next day just to make sure before using it. He simply left the window half opened in the two rooms, just to have some air blown in.

Magnus did as much as he could and then checked the boxes a little, just to see what was in them and what kinds of books there were there. One thing at a time, he reminded himself.

By the afternoon, he was already reading the books for his dissertation and was taking notes on his iPad. He needed to catch up and since Dr. Grey had told him about how proud she was with the painting, he’d been excited about it. The problem was, he’d been calling and leaving messages for Jia Penhallow which she hadn’t returned. He was wondering whether something was wrong as the deadline was that very Wednesday and he still hadn’t heard from her or from Clave Gallery.

He got a call from Catarina mid-afternoon. Raphael was taking in a new sculptor and would be going AWOL for a few weeks and they all wanted to get together before it happened. Magnus was a little hesitant at first but he agreed anyway. He needed the distraction. Not having heard from the gallery was driving him insane, and he’d much rather do something about it.

“Sure, darling, I'll be there. Yeah, love you too,” he said over the phone and then was startled when Alec walked into the kitchen, his gruff look taking over the room.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Alec said as he went to the freezer to get the last of the ice cream for what Magnus could see from his place.

“You didn’t, Alexander, that was just…” Magnus was interrupted then by Alec’s phone announcing a call from ‘mom’. It still surprised him how Alec could function without any help as he answered the call and put it on speaker.

“Hi, son, how are you feeling today?”

“I’m good, Ma, you?”

He heard them do small talk; Maryse’s voice sounded almost cheerful and he saw how Alec’s face softened by it. He was sure their conversation on Monday had been good and he was glad for the two of them. Alec needed his family around and he was hoping they’d show up more.

“Listen, Alec, I told you I was going to bring Laurie to do your hair and beard today but she’s got a situation and won’t be able to, but I’m trying to check with someone from another salon, I know how picky you are with the people who come to the house and since you don’t really care about how long your hair or that bush on your face is, I thought I’d tell you and maybe we can wait for a few more days?” Magnus could almost imagine Maryse’s face as she spoke but the chuckle coming from Alec was definitely another thing altogether. He actually seemed amused by the situation.

“It’s okay, mom. I’m more worried about not having more ice cream in the house right now, so it’s okay,” he answered and heard a sigh of relief on the other side.

“Good. I’ll let you know, okay? Say hi to Magnus for me, I gotta go, love you, Alec.”

“Love you too, Ma.”

It wasn’t the words that came out of Alec’s mouth or the way he’d said them, really meaning them, it was how sweet his features were when he spoke and how much they conveyed toward his mom. He thought of his own mother then, how much he still loved her and of Luke, and how his own face changed whenever they got together and he called him dad. Magnus felt terrible he hadn’t told him about the exhibition yet but he was waiting. He still didn’t know why, but he was just waiting.

He looked at Alec then and saw him eating the last of the Haagen Daz chocolate mint pint. The man was enjoying it, almost moaning as he did so, and Magnus shook his head. A man who ate ice cream like that would be a God-sent gift to anyone. He got distracted when his phone pinged and he realized he had a message from Dr. Grey.

**Have you heard from Jia?**

He frowned as he read the message and typed, deleting it and rewriting it several times.

**Not yet.**

Magnus settled for those two words without giving much thought to it. They must surely be busy at the gallery setting everything up. There were a few other artists at the exhibition with him anyway, all newcomers, which was both promising and scary at the same time.

“Everything okay?” Alec asked and he realized he’d been too absorbed in his thoughts for a moment.

“Sure, everything is okay,” he answered, giving Alec a smiled he realized a second later the man wouldn’t really see.

“I can hear you typing and fidgeting, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I just haven’t heard from the gallery yet,” he confessed. There were a lot of things going on for him right then but he could use talking to Alec as a distraction, “sorry I overheard your conversation with your mom.”

“It’s okay, I wouldn’t have put it on speaker if it wasn’t,” Alec answered and Magnus bit his tongue, there might not have been any more sarcasm in the way he said things but that didn’t take away the bluntness in the statement.

“Do you want my help? I can trim your beard and do wonders with your hair, if you’d let me,” Magnus offered and came close to him, looking at Alec and his scruffy, handsome face.

“Are you a stylist, too?”

“No, but if you could, you’d see my hair is fabulously styled and my goatee is perfectly trimmed but if you don’t want my help…” he let the words in the air until he noticed the smirk in Alec’s face.

“I think there’s stuff for it upstairs somewhere,” Alec answered and Magnus saw him blush slightly.

“Let me guess, Izzy?”

“And Jace, one weekend they decided they’d groom me, but it ended in disastrous results I’m glad I didn’t see it but my mom did. She banned them from ever using scissors on me again.”

“I can believe that from Jace, but Izzy? No wonder her boyfriend was perfectly shaven when I met them,” Magnus said laughing silencing Alec. Magnus turned to look at him and he noticed how Alec hesitated for a second.

“About that…did she look happy with the doctor?” Alec asked and Magnus nodded.

“They are both incredibly smitten with each other. It was quite the sight, actually.”

“I’m glad she’s happy,” Alec answered, taking the last of the ice cream in his mouth.

“Why haven’t you met him yet, I mean...you can tolerate other people, like me, and he seems important to your sister,” he began saying, noticing the way Alec always seemed to favor leaning his head to his left or how it would look like he could see right through him. “You know what? Don’t mind me, I really don’t want to intrude,” Magnus said in a rush, feeling apprehensive that his words could make Alec go back to his grumpy self.

“As you might have experienced it already, I’m not good at meeting people, so...I’ve been putting it off for as long as possible,” Alec spoke with a deep sadness as he hunched in his seat like he wasn’t tall enough and would be possible for him to disappear.

“You’re trying with me, Alexander. You make an effort every day to be nice to me and when you said this was a fresh start, you’ve meant it, so I think you could meet your sister’s doctor,” Magnus came to stand next to him and touched his arm slightly, making Alec turn toward him. He had this sad puppy expression that made Magnus turn protective. He had felt the same way when Robert Lightwood had come after him at his penthouse. “You love your sister, right? Then do something about it. I haven’t seen her around in a while and I’m sure she misses you as much as you miss her.”

“What do you suggest I do, then?” Alec asked him and Magnus recognize in his hoarse voice that he was actually willing to listen even if every fiber in him was against it. Alec turned his body fully towards him and Magnus gave him a thorough look.

“Invite them for game night. I thought you guys got together on weekends, or something,” Magnus said, checking the time. “Now, let me put the eye drops in your eyes and I’ll be gone. I’ll get everything to make you look like a superstar tomorrow, are you okay with that, by the way?”

Alec nodded and Magnus saw him hesitate. There was something on Alec’s mind and he wouldn’t say it.

“What is it, Alec?” he finally asked, and Alec exhaled, slumping his shoulders a little.

“What about the painting? I thought you had to hand it in at the gallery today,” he answered and Magnus remained silent for a moment. He really didn’t know what to say. The text from Dr. Grey earlier, told him she might not have much information either. He could ask Raphael about the gallery later on. He might have some hindsight as galleries were his world.

“I really don’t know, Alec, but I’m hopeful it’s just a setback. I’ll call again tomorrow and we’ll see,” he said in a lower voice as he gave Alec instructions and let the drops fall in his eyes. “Will you be okay?” He asked one last time and nodded when Alec said yes.

Magnus said his goodbyes and walked straight to his place to get ready to meet with the others. He would relentlessly tease Ragnor and thought about it as he sent Jia Penhallow another text message.

 

Having dinner with his friends was one of the things Magnus loved to do the most. Once he’d been at home, he took a thirty-minute power nap, a long, refreshing shower, and got ready for the fancy restaurant Catarina had told him they’d be meeting at. It had been a while since he’d worn anything fancy, and working at Alec’s house allowed him not to follow a dress code, even if he still made his damn best to look good regardless of whatever he was wearing.

Summer, well, summer didn’t allow him to play with things as much as the colder seasons, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t wear that ivory suit he’d had hanging in his closet for months with the white and black shoes and the checkered black and white shirt that matched it perfectly. His regular jewelry in place and the expensive watch Luke had given him for his undergraduate degree graduation and he was all set.

Magnus gave Catarina a big smile as they met at the subway station. He loved taking the subway at night, and no one ever really cared about what the other was wearing in New York, although he did love the look over a few people gave him. Yes, his outfit choice had definitely been good.

Ragnor was in good spirits and Magnus could tell he was completely taken by Dot and was happy for his friend. That was the kind of spark he and Dot hadn't had and seeing Ragnor happy made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside, even if he’d never admitted it to him. Raphael was already waiting for them at their table, so, the hugs and kisses came and went before they all sat to enjoy each others’ companies.

That was one of the things Magnus loved the most about his friends. They would go on for weeks without talking to each other, and then when they met, it was as if time had never passed between them. He believed everybody should have a friendship like that and his thoughts took him back to Alec and his reclusion. He had never seen anyone coming to see him or writing to him that wasn’t his family. And although he hated the distance Alec’s dad kept from him, he’d seen Robert being protective of him. Whatever it was that he didn’t know about wasn’t important. The Lightwoods cared about each other, Alec just hadn’t made it easy for any of them.

He was hoping that would change, after all, everybody deserved to have at least a friend like his.

“Earth to Magnus!” Ragnor cried from across the table, startling him. He gave him back a shy smile and Ragnor returned it with a big one of his own.

“If I didn’t know you, I’d say this one here is in love and you’re in a world of your own, Magnus. What’s going on?” Raphael asked as he ordered a bottle of wine, which sounded not only foreign but also expensive and he noticed the looks Ragnor and Catarina were giving him. He knew about Dot and Catarina knew about the exhibition, but he didn’t know what he should share first.

“I’m seeing Dot,” Ragnor spoke before Magnus even could and the way Raphael smiled, his eyes getting small from how wide it was, made Magnus realized he knew already while Catarina swatted Ragnor’s arm.

“Why didn’t you tell us before! And you! You all knew except for me!” Catarina said in a loud voice and Magnus hid his face behind the menu.

“You would’ve loved it when he called me to ask me if I was okay with it, my beloved Catarina, he even made it sound adorable,” Magnus interjected, which made Ragnor groan.

“And I knew because she’d been asking about Ragnor for days, it was as if she’d never seen Magnus before, I guess you both knew nothing was going to happen,” Raphael said and was silent when the waiter came with the wine and let him taste it. Once he approved it, the waiter poured it into their glasses and they raised them as soon as they were left alone.

“So, to Ragnor and Dot!” Magnus said cheerfully and the rest agreed. After that, they made their orders and Catarina sent Magnus a message, asking him if he wanted to talk about the exhibition but he shook his head. He hadn’t heard from Jia and was thinking the exhibition might be postponed or something, otherwise, he was sure they would’ve called him already.

“I’m so glad you could make it, Cat. You’re always so busy at work,” Ragnor said trying to stir the conversation to something that was not him and Dot.

“Well, I managed to get a few days off. I’ll be back on Sunday but I’ve been exhausted for weeks already, so… there are just a few changes happening at the hospital and I took advantage of it.”

“Please, don’t tell me you’re using your sick days, Catarina,” Ragnor said and Magnus watched them interact. Raphael was on the phone a couple of times, something urgent, he said and was back on time for the entrée to arrive.

“Sorry...it seems like a fellow gallery is in trouble and they’re looking for some help. I’ll deal with it in the morning, where were we?” Raphael said and Magnus and the others got lost in their conversation.

It turned out Catarina got the days off because she’d just accepted the position of Chief Nurse at her hospital and it meant more responsibilities and the administration had sent her home to rest before she had to tackle the madness. Magnus held her hand even as Ragnor and Raphael stood up to hug her and kiss her. She deserved that recognition and he felt incredibly proud of her.

He was now more than certain he had to get the Jimmy Choos she loved so much. She had more than earned those shoes and he needed to stop thinking about them and actually go get the pumps as soon as he could. No more excuses, he chided himself.

Raphael had invited them over because he was celebrating. They’d managed to secure a famous sculptor for the gallery and that meant some sponsorship from benefactors who loved the woman’s work. Heidi McKenzie, he announced, was securing the prestige of Raphael’s gallery for years to come.

“It’ll be your time, soon, Magnus. I’ve seen your work, I know you’ll make it,” Raphael said in the middle of his diatribe, lifting his glass to Magnus who simply nodded. Why he wasn’t part of Raphael’s portfolio was a long conversation neither of them would ever try to have again. It had caused friction and tension between them for a long time but Magnus had come to terms with the fact that they were friends and they shouldn’t mix things up. His moment was around the corner and he would enjoy it.

**I know you’re busy but where did you leave the fingerpaint?**

Alec messaged him and Magnus smiled at it. Alec was awake and wanting to do something with his hands and Magnus was proud of all the progress he was making.

“Everything okay?” Catarina asked him and Magnus showed her the text message. She smiled at him and put her hand on her chest as she mouthed ‘fingerpaint?’ Magnus excused himself and went outside to call Alec as they waited for their food.

“Alexander? Hey!” he greeted him and heard the question in Alec’s voice, which made him smile, “nothing is going on, and you didn’t interrupt anything, don’t worry.”

“Won’t your girlfriend get mad at you or something? I mean, I’m bothering you while off work, I’m so sorry, Magnus,” Alec said on the other line and Magnus could hear the regret in his voice.

“Girlfriend? What are you talking about? I’m having dinner with Catarina and a couple of other friends, and trust me, none of them is mad because I’m out and on the phone, Alexander,” he reassured him but received nothing but silence.

“This is even more embarrassing...sorry anyway, I shouldn’t have bothered you,” he responded and Magnus could almost see him seething.

“It’s okay, Alexander. Where are you right now?”

“The kitchen, getting some coffee,” he told him and as if in a cue, he heard the coffee machine beeping.

“Good, go to the bookcase in the dining room, you know how I’ve been using the lower shelves as storage, right? The fingerpaint is in the one under the board games and the tarp and the paper rolls are right under that one. Be careful because the paper rolls are heavy and you might hurt yourself. Actually, do you need me to come over? I can excuse myself and help you out, Alexander.”

“No! No, Magnus, please, I can find things by myself. I just...I…”

“It’s okay, when you want to do something you want to do something. Go on then and have fun, I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? But promise you’ll call me if you need anything,” he said in a serious voice, which earned him a laugh from Alec.

“Sure, I promise.”

“You won’t call me,” Magnus stated and he looked up kind of frustrated.

“Nope, but thank you for offering. Have fun, and give my apologies to your friends,” they both hung up the phone after that and when he was back on his seat, he watched Ragnor and Raphael completely taken by a conversation over a renaissance artist they both adored but knew little about. Magnus sat down and Catarina turned to him.

“Did you tell him where it was?” she asked and Magnus gave her the short version of the conversation. “He thought you were with your girlfriend?”

“Is that all you got from the conversation?” he asked her and then he noticed Ragnor and Raphael looking at them.

“What are we missing? A new love interest, Magnus?” Raphael asked nonplused.

“Work, dear Raphael, so back off, my friend,” he answered equally unbothered and gave the waiters a big mental pat on the back when they arrived with their food. “And you, stop it, Catarina. He must’ve heard me talking to you earlier today, I mean, he’s like a ninja, he walks into a room and you won’t even notice him.”

“A ninja,” Ragnor scoffed, “he sounds like that guy on Netflix, the one with the devil horns and super senses…”

“My, my, my, Ragnor, I didn’t know you liked Daredevil, although I do tell him he is like Spiderman,” Magnus teased him and noticed the blush on his friend’s cheeks. “Please, don’t tell me Miss Dorothea convinced you to watch it with her? Not that I’m questioning her good taste, my gorgeous British friend, but wow, you really do like her!”

“Don’t even start, I’ve got all the details from her. I’m so glad she wasn’t into you, there’s so much you guys need to know,” Raphael chimed in, winking at Magnus and Catarina which made them burst into laughter.

Poor Ragnor, he was never going to hear the end of it, Magnus thought.

 

***

 

Alec sat down in silence waiting for Magnus to arrive that day. He’d slept better after playing with the paint and was happy at how easy it’d come off when he washed it off. He’d just made a mess around the dining room as he’d stayed on the floor until he got tired and went to bed. As promised, Magnus had labeled the squeezing tubes and Alec was wondering how he’d managed. It was also true he’d spent most of the day before sleeping, so he figured that had been when and it shouldn’t be hard to find how to write the words in Braille.

_Yeah, love you too._

He’d walked in on Magnus speaking on the phone and his declaration of love. He thought he might’ve been talking to his girlfriend, the one he’d prepared at the house to go on a date with a few weeks ago but Magnus had told him he was with Catarina and other friends, and Magnus had told him about her already. He smiled to himself, it must be nice to be able to be so open about one’s feelings or to have friends who would care enough.

He’d been the one walking away from them, hadn’t he?

However, what did he know, anyway? His love life wasn’t any better. His last boyfriend had dumped him when he couldn’t be of use to him anymore and why would anyone want to be with a man like him? He was better off than most in terms of money. He was living off his savings, the trust fund his grandparents on both sides had set for him when he was a child, and whatever his parents would provide him with. It wasn’t ideal, but it was what he had chosen to deal with. Jace had been great at managing his finances and he trusted whatever investment he did with them. He had figured out how to be independent up to one extent. He had never thought about life beyond his house.

That was until he actually started listening to Magnus, caretaker to the blind.

That man had frustrated him to no extent since he’d first set foot in his house. There was something about him, his strong love for life and everything that was color. It reminded him of his loss and the things he missed every day. For where Alec was dark and somber, Magnus was light and bright.

They’d had a rough start but had come to the point where they could have a conversation in which he was willing to actually talk to Magnus. He had to call Jace and ask him to bring some wine so that he could say thank you to him. It had been Jace’s pushing what had managed to make him talk to Magnus in spite of his reservations and it had also taken him talking to his mom to acknowledge that Magnus was actually doing a good job with him and to accept the truth that such a statement was.

Alec had to admit Magnus was a fine, decent man for whatever little he had witnessed and he seemed to care about the ones close to him. He just needed to remember how he spoke about his friend Catarina the other day to know that. He also seemed to still be close to his dad. Alec hadn’t spoken to his own father in a long time and the tantrum over the phone the other day didn’t count. His dad wouldn’t come to see him anyway, he knew that, he had learned to accept it even though it was hard for him sometimes. Having his siblings over every weekend or whenever it was possible for them, or his mom every Monday, was all the time he allowed himself to accept his family around. He wouldn’t reach out to them for more, he didn’t know how to do it anymore.

Magnus was right, one more time.

_You love your sister, right? Then do something about it._

**Game night this weekend? Bring your boyfriend. Love you, Izzy.**

Alec turned the VoiceOver on and sent the message to her, hoping it would work. He had pushed her away so much and so hard, that the fact that she still spoke to him was an act of love. They had barely talked after the Fourth, but well, he could really take one step at a time. Magnus had opened the door for him. The misunderstandings had been a way to do so and he’d started with Jace and even his mom when they had last talked. Now it was Izzy and perhaps, eventually, his dad.

He had to cope and had to grief, he knew that deep inside, he just didn’t know how.

None of it was easy for him. He’d made his brownstone his fortress. One where very few people were allowed. His family was welcome as long as it wasn’t for long. Magnus had endured it because, after his two months, he could claim a whole year of salary. He’d be the first to do so according to Jace and that piece of information had surprised him. It was true he’d been horrible to everybody he’d come across with. Magnus, well, that man had put up with him and as an artist, his sensitivity to things and the way he viewed life had helped him stay even when Alec had been anything but welcoming.

Alec heard the front door open and close and then the security code. He stayed where he’d been for a while already, without really moving. He just held on to the glass he’d been holding from before and waited.

“Good morning, Alexander, how are you?” he heard Magnus greet him from the parlor as soon as he walked into the house and he turned toward him. He’d been sitting at the kitchen island, touching his iPad without turning it on and just said hi back.

“How was dinner?” he asked out of politeness. He was embarrassed enough about having interrupted him and wanted to sort of make it up to him.

“It was fine, Catarina sends her regards, though,” Magnus said as he walked to the kitchen. “I see you got everything you needed last night. I’m glad.”

“Yeah, sorry I made a mess,” Alec said, making a face, and he could tell Magnus couldn’t care any less about it.

“Nah, it’s okay. If it were smaller I’d stick it to the fridge with a magnet,” Magnus told him, “it’s dried so I’m going to clean up. Did you have breakfast already? I’ve got my infamous macadamia-nut pastries which you always refuse to eat.”

Alec shook his head. He had eaten cereal and had exercised already and was finishing an energy milkshake.

“So...I’m going to put this away downstairs as soon as I’m done eating this and I’ll get my things ready to make you look like a proper human being again.”

“I’m sure I don’t look so bad, Magnus.”

“Oh no, you’re every other person in this planet’s dream come true, the long sideburns, the hair over your eyes, you know?” Magnus said and Alec felt how he grabbed him by the chin, “and while you finish that I’ll be done with my coffee too. Let me tell you, your beard is in dire need of some loving.”

“It’s not like I’ll find the man of my dreams thanks to my short hair and a trimmed beard, you know,” Alec retorted. There was nobody out there who could possibly, truly love him, and that was something he was still struggling with even if he didn’t utter a word about it.

“Alexander, you do these things for yourself, to feel good, to love yourself a little. The man who will love you will do so regardless of the way you look and everything else, so, let me do this if only to pamper you a little and make your mom happy, ‘kay?”

“Everything else?”

“Yeah, you know, the witty remarks, the desire to rip their heads off...your charming self,” Magnus said and Alec flinched a little.

“You’ll never let me live that down,” he said in a sort of low voice and turned back to his iPad.

“Nope, but I’m glad that part is gone, I just have a feeling it’ll be there whenever someone tries to get close. I’m just glad I had someone like Jace to help me sort things out with you. I really like working here in the brownstone,” he admitted and Alec lifted his head.

“Your two-month period is almost over,” he said and turned away again, ashamed for having brought it up and not knowing how to continue with it.

“I know! Well, you already said you’d hire me as your in-house chef. So, I guess when you meet Mr. Right and he moves in with you, you’ll no longer need me as your caretaker but you’ll have me as your chef, right?” Alec’s breath got caught on his throat and he didn’t know what to say right then. Magnus had never said anything about it until then, and he’d figured he had forgotten about it.

“Magnus….”

“I’m not going anywhere, Alexander, so, you might as well start getting used to it...and I’ll never say a word about that which should not be talked about.”

Alec nodded and then heard him move around. He seemed to be eating and then picking up stuff and why wasn’t he more annoyed over Magnus walking in and out of his office as if nothing? He was comfortable on the house, so much so that it had been there that Magnus had managed to do his painting of Lake Tahoe; granted, he’d also made a mess of the place but Alec had offered and it was also true Magnus had put everything back in place so that he wouldn’t get lost.

And he’d just announced he wasn’t going anywhere and Alec didn’t know how to take that. Saying those words sounded ominously like a promise and he knew Magnus wouldn’t be able to keep that promise. He had plans, his studies, traveling if he was correct. It was very likely he’d find someone soon enough, a man so alive wouldn’t be alone or would he?

Alec was finishing his milkshake when Magnus came back to the kitchen, making him jump a little.

“I’m done!” Magnus sort of screamed cheerfully and Alec lifted his head, following his voice. He listened to Magnus going around the kitchen, moving a stool—or so he thought—and was he getting water as well? He then heard a click and something moving and realized Magnus had just opened the window to the backyard according to the direction of the breeze coming in.

“What are you doing?” he finally asked and was startled when Magnus spoke close to him.

“BB, Bane Barbershop, is about to open and I have to give my first customer the best service...although dad would disagree about you being my first customer, I used to do this for him all the time when I was learning stuff.”

“Were you planning on becoming a barber or something?” Alec asked amused. It was very Magnus to play with words and since they were on speaking terms, he realized the jokes flowed out of his mouth very easily.

“No, but my dad always said you didn’t know when you’d help a friend in need and he told me stories about his time in the army so...I learned. Didn’t I tell you I have a fabulously kept goatee?” Magnus spoke again and then Alec felt Magnus’ hand on his making him stand up and guiding him toward the windows. “I brought all I needed including a razor. I still have to go through the stuff down your sink, I’m sure there’s a bunch of stuff I have to throw in the bin.”

“A razor? I think I’m having second thoughts here, Magnus,” he joked and covered his mouth when he realized he’d done that.

“Alexander Lightwood! Go you! That was brilliant by the way and yes, a razor. Trust me, okay?”

“You did say it was your hair what was fabulously styled...now I’m nervous,” he said. He trusted that Magnus was an overall good man. At least he didn’t have killer tendencies, he thought and then regretted the bad joke.

He imagined Magnus was giving him a look according to the mocking grunt coming from him. He laughed and smiled when he noticed he wasn’t sitting in a stool but on one of the chairs from the dining room for what his hands told him as he touched the seat.

“This low? Seriously?” Alec said when he got comfortable and heard Magnus putting metallic things somewhere on the counter.

“You do realize you’re like eight feet tall? I need to be able to reach your face,” Magnus retorted, making Alec smile.

“Only six three, I’m not that tall, Magnus. Everybody is just short, you know?” He dismissed it as if nothing, lifting his shoulders and tilting his head to the side.

“Says the giant,” the other answered in a mocking voice.

“Magnus…” he warned, but he knew it was clear for the two of them that it was all a joke.

“I need you to be quiet now, please? I don’t want to cut anything I shouldn’t around that almost pretty beard of yours,” Magnus said in a slow voice. Alec could almost imagine him sticking his tongue out to the side and keeping it in between his lips. The problem was, he could only imagine a shapeless face. He knew Magnus was Asian American, he’d said that much. He knew that he wore rings and bracelets and liked to wear shorts in the summer because of the heat. Still, just like with Lydia until the day before, there was nothing else there but a blurry face with made up features.

Magnus put a towel around his neck and he felt strange. He had never allowed anyone that close at will. His mom always brought the same person to do the grooming. She was probably the one he’d ever accepted. She would barely talk and did things quickly and efficiently. Magnus was taking his time though. Alec felt the little comb going through his beard and how Magnus cut here and there, grabbing him by the chin with a finger and moving his head to the sides, perhaps checking how well everything looked—or bad, he didn’t have any means to confirm it himself unless he touched it and he couldn’t do that just yet—. The kettle beeped in the distance and Alec heard Magnus go over and pour the water on something.

“Ouch!” he heard Magnus say and he straightened himself up in the chair.

“You okay?” he asked and he heard a sucking sound near him.

“Yeah, I just always pour hot water on the razor holder, even if I’m going to use a brand new blade and I promise you I have no diseases, but still, anyway, a bit of it got on my finger,” Magnus explained and Alec almost teased him about having gotten a boo boo.

“You’re out of your mind, Magnus, I’m sure Izzy left something here somewhere…”

“I’m sure too but I wasn’t going to risk it. God knows how long it’s been up there. I might as well just get you your own stuff, you know? Now, be a good boy and stay still.”

Alec smelled the shaving cream and noticed Magnus was placing it in certain places of his face, probably shaping his beard. He felt the razor moving smoothly on his skin and he held his breath until Magnus moved to another spot. He did seem to know what he was doing. Then Magnus was lifting Alec’s head and he could almost smell Magnus’ coffee breath from how near he was to him.

Now Magnus was moving the razor over his neck and he closed his eyes. He imagined Magnus again, this time, his eyebrows were furrowed over at the center of his forehead and he was completely focused on what he was doing. Alec simply trusted him.

There were too many things in his head right then. Magnus had told him the night before he didn’t have a girlfriend, today they were talking about him finding someone, but most of all, the fact that Magnus had just told him he was going to stay. Why would he anyway? He didn’t want to dwell on that too much, even though he was grateful. Magnus had been the one person who’d willingly stayed in spite of his every mean word and action. He had put up with him, had nursed him when he’d gotten hurt, had cooked for him and shared his dad’s homemade food with him as well. And now, Alec was letting him groom him, just for the sake of it, and all he could sort of really think about was the fact that he had no idea what Magnus looked like.

Again, he remembered he’d mentioned he was Asian American, but he didn’t know anything else. Alec used to be good at remembering features and names before. He had been blessed with a memory that allowed him to know visuals and see patterns; something he’d done a lot when he was working on a building.

Alec let Magnus do. He didn’t complain nor did he move unless he was told. Magnus was so close to him that he could almost touch him. Alec felt in overdrive.

Magnus cleaned his face and he was surprised when he felt water being sprayed on his hair and laughed wholeheartedly at it.

“I thought you were falling asleep, for a second,” Magnus said as he started combing his hair to cut it.

“Took you long enough but water? Really? Could’ve warned me, you know,” Alec retorted and he sat back straight on the seat, cleaning his face and moving his hands over his beard. “Wow, it feels good.”

“Hey! I’m hurt you even doubted me,” Magnus spoke and Alec could’ve sworn he was holding his hand against his chest, “you’d look good even if you looked like a troglodyte, so stop it,” Magnus admonished him and moved his head again, apparently calculating how much he would cut.

“Do you compliment everyone so easily all the time?” Alec asked with pure curiosity and Magnus answered almost immediately.

“I say things as I see them, Alexander.”

“I am blind, though,” he answered back quickly. How could Magnus tell him he looked good when there was nothing beautiful about him. Alec felt disgusted with himself. He had cuts, he knew it even if they weren’t visible and his eyes must look dead. His beard and hair wouldn’t change a thing which was why he didn’t care about them.

Magnus was silent for a moment as he was cutting his hair and was walking around the chair, combing and cutting until he was satisfied and then Alec noticed he stood in front of him.

“You are blind and you are stubborn. You have a foul mouth when you’re mad, but you’re also kind and sweet. I’ve seen you with Isabelle and how mellow you are with your mom. You love Jace to the point that you listened to him when you wouldn’t ever hear me and your face seems sculpted by the Gods of Old. If I didn’t know you’d say no, I’d ask you to model for me. And your eyes, Alexander, they are the most beautiful shade. So, call yourself whatever you want; in my opinion, there’s nothing ugly about you.”

Magnus’ words shook him to his core and he noticed he was blushing. Alec lowered his head a little, but Magnus made him lift it again as he continued cutting and shaping his hair.

“I think we’re done here,” Magnus said and Alec realized he was either crouching to reach his height or too close to him for his own comfort. He was about to say something when a phone rang and Magnus was suddenly on his feet.

“Dr. Grey! Hi! I thought our meeting was next week,” Alec heard Magnus speaking on the phone and he put his hands on his hair and beard. Everything seemed in place, everything seemed perfectly cut and trimmed. He definitely knew how to groom someone and he wondered, not for the first time, what he looked like. Magnus had called both his hair and goatee fabulous and Alec was curious about it, which only got him worried at the realization that he was getting dependent on Magnus for simple things, something he’d been very careful to avoid. Grooming was something his mom would get done for him, at her own time and without impositions so that he didn’t feel like he had to depend on others.

“What do you mean they returned the paintings to your office? What’s going on?”

By then, Alec could hear the despair in Magnus’ voice and all his thoughts stopped. He’d seen Magnus going through a hard time and for the sounds of it, this was going to be hard too. He heard him speak louder on the phone, to his professor from school who seemed to be profusely apologizing on the other end.

Alec looked for Magnus by listening to his footsteps and then his breathing when he stopped. He heard a noise somewhere and realized it must have been his phone. He stood up and went to where he thought Magnus was and realized the man was simply having difficulties breathing.

He found him sitting at the dining table and there was a female voice coming from the phone. Alec tapped the table until he found it and turned the VoiceOver on in it, finding the speaker and setting it up for Magnus.

“Magnus, please, listen to me…” the woman was saying and Alec cleared his throat, speaking to her.

“Dr. Grey? I guess that’s your name, right? I’m Alec Lightwood and I’m here with Magnus, how can I help you?” he said in the calmest voice he could muster. It felt so strange to talk to someone that wasn’t his family. He felt his voice shaking, as much as his hands were but Magnus was breathing next to him, just that, he wasn’t saying anything or throwing things and that was a good thing so far. He was on the verge of panicking and how could he blame him? It seemed like he wasn’t getting the best news at that moment.

“Mr. Lightwood, yes, I’m Tessa Grey, I’m Magnus’ advisor for his Masters. I just called him because I got a message from the Clave Gallery. The exhibition has been canceled and Jia thought it was better if Magnus heard it from me. They had some financial trouble over the past few weeks and they were hoping another gallery could take over but it wasn’t possible on such short notice. I know this must be a hard hit for Magnus, it’s something he’s been waiting for for a long time and his latest painting was so beautiful and breathtaking and I’m so sorry I have to be the one delivering this news.”

“I see. Listen, I’ll talk to Magnus here and he’ll come to see you later in the week if that’s okay? Thank you for calling and for looking after his works. I’m sure he appreciates it. I just think it’s been a low blow for him. I know he was excited about it,” he didn’t know how he was managing to keep focused but he moved his hand around until he found Magnus’ shoulder and held onto it to keep both of them in place. He could hear how Magnus’ breathing was changing, becoming more agitated and he knew it wasn’t a good thing.

He was nervous, when did he become the one to give comfort to his caretaker?

Alec said his goodbyes to Dr. Grey over the phone and waited until she hung up. He sat down next to Magnus and made him turn toward him until they were facing each other.

Magnus was quiet and it moved him for the simple reason that Magnus could have another breakdown and Alec had no idea how bad it could be this time. He’d experienced having setbacks in his work back in the day, but never something like this. Well, nothing major apart from losing his eyes. And he’d been devastated back then and had been lost, but he’d found himself again, even if he’d done it all by himself because he didn’t know how to do it differently and had never asked anyone for help. At the end of the day, how he had dealt with things had been his choice. This was different.

Magnus was made of something else. He was a cheerful person, a glass-half-full kind of man. This news must have affected him beyond anything he could imagine. He, Alec, by the time he’d lost his sight, he had already managed to fulfill his dream. He’d become an architect, had created things, had shaped the world around him to his view. Magnus was on the way of doing that and all of a sudden, everything was gone, and that was hard to face.

“Alexander...I don’t want your pity, please...I…” Magnus started and Alec shushed him. Listening to him was like a mirror of who he had been minus the rage. He’d been angry at the world, he’d cried, the pain and hurt of the aftermath of the accident attacking him in a vicious way. He’d been mad at the world, at his dad, at himself, at Max. He’d been avoiding basketball ever since. He’d become a recluse.

He wasn’t going to allow Magnus to inflict such pain on himself.  

“Pity you? Me? The man who hates pity above all else? For God’s sake, Magnus, I’d never do that to you or anyone for that matter..I just...listen, rejection is just another step. Impossible means try harder, and I know you can make it...your time will come…”

“Alexander, please…”

Alec reached for Magnus and put his hands on his face, cupping it. He was acting by instinct and was hoping Magnus would understand what he was doing. He was also so very close to him, and he could feel Magnus’ breathing on his face. It was sweet, like the coffee he’d had earlier. Not that Alec didn’t know that already, after all, Magnus had been that close earlier when he was grooming him, but now, he could almost taste the cinnamon in Magnus’ breath. He moved his thumbs slowly over Magnus’ cheeks as the rest of his hand held him in one place.

“What are you doing…?” Magnus asked and Alec noticed how he had trouble breathing. Well, he himself was feeling not so confident now that he realized he was indeed touching Magnus’ face. Magnus grabbed him from the wrists trying to stop him but Alec didn’t budge. This was one of the things about Magnus that Alec couldn’t understand, and how in spite of not getting it, it made him do things he hadn’t dared do for others. Alec wasn’t afraid of being there for Magnus, and that was something he’d do for him only. Just for him.

“I’m checking to see just how fabulously trimmed your beard is and how perfect your hair is today,” Alec responded, trying to alleviate the moment. He could still feel him, not forcing him to stop anymore, but simply holding on to him. He breathed deeply when he heard Magnus chuckle and then sob and Alec felt some tears falling down Magnus’ cheeks and on his hands.

And that did things to him. It moved him deeply to know that someone as strong as Magnus was could be so sensitive, but then, Magnus was an artist, it was his heart what was at stake and Alec didn’t want him to lose his heart. Magnus couldn’t become someone like him.

“You had to choose the one day where you could disarm me to do this, huh?” Magnus said sobbing and Alec noticed the creases on Magnus’ cheeks as he smiled. He moved his thumbs over them, wiping away the tears. He smiled back, even if not very enthusiastically.

Alec shrugged and kept touching, his fingers lingering over Magnus’ face. He felt the almond-shaped eyes, very symmetric on either side of a pointed nose. His face was smooth, so different from Jace’s, and that didn’t come from the tears. His sharp jaw and cheeks revealed manly features, his lips were thin and small, and he could almost hear the breath that got caught in between them.

He moved his hands around the mouth, following the thin path that Magnus’ goatee created, so different from his own much bushier full beard. And then, he moved his hands up the path of his jawline and touched his hair, soft and welcoming as he moved his fingers through it. He wasn’t wearing any wax or hairspray on it and he’d smelled those on Magnus before. His ears weren’t too big or too small, just the right size, and on his left, there was the cuff Magnus had mentioned long ago.

He could smell his scent, the cologne he would now easily recognize anywhere and his familiar coffee breath loaded with cinnamon. All too familiar to him already.

He knew Magnus had his eyes closed and the tears had stopped falling. His breathing was shaky and shallow now as if he were trying to get himself together.

“You’re not wearing any products today, why?” Alec asked, his voice low and hoarse, and when Magnus exhaled, probably in defeat for the sound of it, Alec smiled along with him.

“I don’t know...I thought I might need to go down to the gallery later and that I could get ready here but now…”

“I’d like to touch your hair again, one day when it’s styled. I can’t really confirm it’s truly perfect as it is,” Alec said and let his hands slide off Magnus’ face and back to his lap. Magnus chuckled then, probably amused by his nonsense but it was okay. Losing the one thing you’ve worked hard for wasn’t easy, he knew that so well, and even when it didn’t compare, as they both had lost diametral different things, being hurt was the same regardless.

“Why, Alexander?” Magnus asked and he tilted his head to the side. His voice sounded so sad, so devoid of its usual spark, that Alec’s heart ached for him.

“Because you’re not going anywhere and I don’t want to wait three years to _see_ you,” he answered. He’d been thinking about Magnus’ appearance for a while already. He’d wanted to know, just as much as he’d wanted to see Lydia’s face. He wasn’t lying. He didn’t want to wait. The past week had proven to be a first for many things and it all had happened because of one Magnus Bane. He might as well be there for him now that he needed it.

He wouldn’t tell Magnus his heart was racing and he could feel it pumping against his ribcage. His hands were shaking, and so he crossed his fingers and put his palms together trying to regain a little control over himself.

He probably shouldn’t have touched Magnus, he chided himself. It had been an impulse, his need to help him and make him understand he wasn’t alone. He thought of his family and felt bad for them, he’d never touched his mom’s face, and here he was learning about his caretaker. He’d do anything to not let him despair though. A man who could put another’s words into imagery was a genius. Alec refused to give up on him.

Just like Magnus had never given up on him either.

“I’m not okay right now, Alec; this was my dream, my moment, I don’t know how to handle it,” Magnus confessed and Alec nodded. He knew the feeling, or at least, he wanted to believe he was being sympathetic enough to try to understand.

“What would you normally do in a situation like this? You gotta help me here, Magnus. I can repeat all the mumbo jumbo my therapists used to say to me when I had just lost my sight about accepting and all that or we can go all Zen, you’re the only person I’ve actually sort of gotten along with outside the family, so...tell me,” he pleaded not knowing what to do.

“I’d throw myself a pity party, but Ragnor and Raphael would kill me…”

“And Catarina?”

“She’d hug me and cry with me.”

“Then call her, a pity party I can do, let me check how much wine I have,” Alec said as he stood up. He knew Jace had left some bottles somewhere and they could drink whatever he had there. This, he could really do. He’d done his fair share of self-pity for a long time and he knew how necessary it was from time to time. Besides, Magnus found the brownstone familiar enough for him to be comfortable there, it could serve him as his refuge for a little while.

“I’m more a martini kind of guy, Alexander,” Magnus said from his place and Alec shook his head and smiled.

“Of course you are, Magnus. Of course you are.”

 

***

 

 

Magnus was trying to replay the morning since he’d arrived at the brownstone. He’d offered Alec his macadamia-nut pastries albeit not his coffee. They’d talked for a while, and he’d cleaned up what Alec had painted the night before. It was absolutely out of the ordinary but he had to admit Alec had an eye for color and would use it even though he couldn’t see it.

Perhaps the _heart_ was the most important thing about art after all.

Then he’d started to groom Alec. That had been an entirely different thing. The hazel in Alec’s eyes shone brightly under the morning sunlight coming through the window. He knew his eyes would move everywhere but there were times when he still felt as if Alec could not only see him but could also see _through_ him. Lydia had been right all along, Alec’s eyes were very much alive in spite of not being able to see anything.

And they were the loveliest shade of hazel, he mused.

Magnus was trying to commit every piece of information to memory. How Alec had stayed absolutely still as he’d cut and then as he’d used the razor around his beard. And Alec’s hair? Magnus had to admit it was thick and soft and how could that combination be possible when he was sure Alec barely used any shampoo. It was okay, though; even Alec’s shampoo smelled good.

He didn’t remember how long it had taken him to get Alec ready. It never was more than half an hour with Luke, what with his always perfect beard and hairdo. He’d taken his time with Alec and didn’t regret a second of it. Magnus had only made sure it was not only well cut but symmetric so that his features were framed as they should.

Had he really called Alec handsome in between it all? He must have, for he remembered Alec blushing and telling him that compliments came easily to him. He’d been true though, he spoke things as he saw them, and Alec Lightwood was simply drop dead gorgeous. And that was a simple fact.

How anyone would dump such an intelligent, handsome man, completely escaped him. Granted, he hadn’t been exactly pleasant to him when they’d first met, but he’d pieced things little by little and had he been in Alec’s position, he wasn’t sure he would’ve reacted any differently.

Everything had been strange and interesting and good until Dr. Grey had called him. He was expecting Jia Penhallow of the Clave Gallery to do the dirty work, but it had to be the one person he wouldn’t yell at in frustration. The world kept conspiring against him and he was getting tired of it. His moment, his time to be acknowledged was gone yet again. Thank goodness only Catarina and Alec knew about the exhibition. He wouldn’t be able to take a call from Ragnor or Raphael. They would rush to his side, he knew that but he still wouldn’t make the call.

_They tried to get other galleries to pick their pending exhibitions, Magnus, but it was so such short notice they couldn’t find one. They’re offering other dates further down the year, you can still consider it. I’m so sorry, Magnus._

He’d almost broken down right there. Magnus closed his hands into fists, overwhelmed. He only remembered dropping his phone without really ending the phone call. It had been Alec the one who’d saved the moment, coming to his rescue like a knight in shining armor. Not that Alec would appreciate the analogy but he’d felt saved then, hearing someone else take over so that he could process. However, Alec also gave him the scare of his life when he touched his face and started tracing it, his hands shaky yet moving with confidence.

That had been when his hard stance fell and he cried.

This was supposed to be his time to shine, to prove to the world what he was made of. His art, his darkest passions and moments of crazy inspiration. His darkest times after his terrible breakup with Camille and the happy ones along since his dad, Jocelyn, and Clary. His moments with Catarina and the others while drunk or while they slept and inspiration hit him and he would paint the night away. Lake Tahoe brought to life from Alec’s memories.

Now he had to call his dad, he needed to tell him all this. Magnus needed a lifeline to help him keep steady in a world that wasn’t kind to him at the moment. He’d turned twelve again and was being saved by a stranger; although now he was thirty and this stranger had an equally bizarre way of doing things.

Alec had touched his face, he thought for a second time and the realization hit him like a heatwave in the middle of the summer.

He’d felt overwhelmed by the way Alec was touching him, his fingertips hovering gently over his skin. Magnus had allowed the tears to fall freely even if they were because of anger and overcome emotions.

By instinct, Magnus brought his hands to his face, retracing where Alec touched before. Alec had grabbed his face with such care that he felt it had been too intimate for two people who couldn’t be around each other not so long ago. However, he knew that had been Alec trying to show him he cared. There was a connection between them now, a bond that told him they could be friends one day.

He had trusted Alec with the knowledge of the exhibition, had tried to paint under his roof and it had been because of him that he had managed to create something marvelous. And it was the feeling of Alec’s hands on his face what was keeping him grounded and what was preventing him from losing his mind.

He’d felt like he couldn’t breathe when Alec touched his ear and felt chills on his spine as Alec ran his fingers through his hair. He didn’t recognize this man and realized he’d probably felt like Lydia did a couple of days before when she’d been on the receiving end of the gesture.

And Alec was still making jokes just to get him to laugh and Magnus hadn’t felt so cared for by anyone who wasn’t close to him in a long time. Not even Camille had ever shown him such understanding and that was a tale for another day. He made a mental note to style his hair in the most absurd way the next day just to let Alec know how amazing he was at it. If only for a whim of him.

_I don’t want to wait three years to see you._

This was a special thing, something that brought him closer to Alec in a way. This was Alec showing him he was open to getting along with him, that their fresh start was real. This was probably Alec as he’d been before.

Magnus felt safe with him, at the brownstone.

The tables had turned and he was trying to figure out for whom. He understood Lydia then, her emotions so clear on her face when he’d last seen her. Her own tears. He’d seen the same expression on Izzy the first time he’d seen Alec touch someone.

_Then call her, a pity party I can do, let me check how much wine I have._

Alec was going to throw him a pity party? He didn’t understand why much less could he not gasp at the idea. And wine? He liked it alright but he wasn’t in the mood for wine, nor was he heartbroken enough for whiskey on the rocks.

Magnus shook his head and focused on Alec. He saw him walking to the kitchen and about to open cabinets. He needed to think and think hard. He needed to regroup, to decide what to do next. He felt like quitting everything and it was worse because Magnus felt he couldn’t burden Alec with saving him every time he had or was about to have a meltdown.

“Alec, it’s the middle of the morning or something like that, we can’t have any alcohol right now…” Magnus told him and he stood up, fighting inside to get himself together. He couldn’t break down just then, not when Alec had that hopeful expression on his face. There was no way he would lose his shit, not like the other day. He was Magnus Bane, he could do better. “How about this, I’ll text Catarina and we can make cocktails in the afternoon, and you and I can go for a walk, I remember seeing the Häggen Daz store close to the subway station, so we can get some ice cream, I think you’ve already run out of it.”

“Magnus…” Alec breathed out, making Magnus smile if only a little.

“Yes, Alexander?”

“I don’t know how to make cocktails,” Alec said in a low voice and Magnus noticed the small blush that was slightly covering his cheeks and Magnus felt his heart melting right then. Alec might’ve been this super architect back in the day and was probably the grumpiest man he’d come to know, but he was also this innocent, good man he got to take care of. If someone had told him things would turn like this when he’d started the job he would’ve called that person a liar.

“Then you’re in for a ride. So? What do you say?” Magnus asked him and he walked closer to Alec in the kitchen.

“I didn’t think you were going to be this calm,” Alec admitted and Magnus closed his lips tight. He wasn’t alright. He wasn’t calm. He just couldn’t lose his mind like he did the other day. He couldn’t throw things around and call himself a failure. This time he needed to be Alec’s caretaker no matter what he was feeling.

His phone pinged and he realized it was Raphael who sent him a message and he ignored it. He was certain, there would be one from Ragnor soon enough and then Catarina. He wanted her around right then, with him and Alec, in the brownstone, just having a pity party. Ragnor would give him a pitiful look, the one that told him he was so sorry and Raphael would tell him that he cared but still wouldn’t open his gallery for him, so he avoided the next text message.

He wanted to go home and cry under his covers and forget about everything. He wanted to let go of the worries, of the horrible feeling of being a no one in a world full of others where he didn’t count. He didn’t have a big name, he was just him, a man who worked hard to get the job done, who would stay up late at night when he felt like creating. He was just Magnus.

He was not a failure. Alec had told him that much and he wanted to believe him because right then, that was the only thing that was keeping him in check, at the verge of falling down, deep in the void, without a way to come out of it, but not really giving in. He only needed to remember Alec’s panicked expression a few days ago, when he was on his knees looking for him and he knew he couldn’t make him go through that again. He was also on working hours and didn’t have an excuse to run away to get drunk at that hour of the day as Alec had offered. He’d put away his own misery right then if only not to drag Alec with him.

However, he would hold on to what he was offering. He would call Catarina and they would be there with him and he would not fail again. Magnus wouldn’t be able to survive the day if he didn’t have them around and he didn’t want to show up at Luke’s doorstep and hide away.

Magnus needed to be the man Luke had taught him to be, and he would learn from this and would be ready for the moment when his real break happened, even when he was absolutely broken and feeling like the failure he wasn’t.

“I’m not exactly okay, Alec,” he confessed in a broken voice, “and I’m not calm...I just…”

Magnus was interrupted by the phone again and he noticed Raphael had texted him and almost laughed at the insult.

**Contesta, pendejo!**

Either Raphael was too worried or too mad at him but he wouldn’t just answer him.

**I’m fine. We’ll talk later.**

He was hiding, he knew that much. He didn’t want to face them; Ragnor and his tough love, Raphael and his expressionless caring, even Dr. Grey and her never-ending hope. Magnus felt he couldn’t even face Luke just yet.

“Why don’t you answer the phone?” Alec asked and he sighed.

“Because I don’t want their pity, Alexander, I couldn’t bear it,” Magnus answered with as much honesty he could muster without falling prey of his tears, as he struggled with the words.

“Fair enough,” Alec answered and he started to walk out of the kitchen toward the parlor.

“Where are you going?” Magnus asked, following him to the threshold to the hallway.

“I’m changing my shoes and you’re calling Catarina. Then we’re going to get that ice cream and whatever it is you need for the cocktails,” Alec said with stern determination and Magnus nodded, watching him disappear up the stairs.

Magnus fell on the couch at the parlor. It wasn’t that late in the morning and he already felt defeated. Recognition, the one he knew was his, had slipped through his fingers. He’d wanted to believe he had it. He’d wanted to believe he could do something that would impact others.

Perhaps his art was for just a few. People like Alec who were sensitive. He remembered his expression at touching the painting he’d made over the weekend. They had truly bonded over it, over a memory that was both painful and blissful for Alec. The way Alec had remembered the place and his emotions when speaking about it had guided his hand as he painted it and Magnus knew it.

There were tears pooling at his eyes again, and he cleaned them frustrated. He was defeated, no matter what he wanted to convey in front of Alec. He had lost this battle so much so that Raphael kept sending him messages since he wasn’t answering his phone calls.

Magnus took a deep breath and looked for Catarina’s name on his recent calls. He waited for a ring when she answered the phone with such happiness he felt even worse.

“Catarina…” he managed to say and he heard the change in her demeanor immediately.

“What happened?” she asked and he managed to mumble something about the exhibition being canceled. “Where are you?”

“Alexander’s,” he answered and gave her the address as he took another deep breath. It was then that he noticed Alec was standing behind the couch, waiting, and he sobbed loudly.

Alec came to sit by his side in silence. The man was definitely a ninja—there was no denying it—, maybe he should make him try a costume with horns for Halloween and he could call him Daredevil without Alec getting mad at him. Alec kept quiet, utterly and annoyingly quiet until he was sitting close to him. They stayed like that for a few minutes until he hid his face in his hands and broke down crying and Alec simply touched his legs with his, reassuringly.

Yeah, there was no need for words, he thought. His world had just crumbled down in pieces at his feet and even though he wasn’t a failure, he couldn’t help but feel he didn’t have what was needed. And the silent company Alec provided was the one thing that made him have any hope at all.

 

By the time Catarina called letting him know she was at the house and nobody was answering the door, Alec and Magnus were leaving the ice cream parlor. Magnus knew his eyes were a little puffy but had decided to wear his sunglasses if only to hide them better. They’d bought pretty much half the store and Magnus noticed that there was a psychic place right next door.

“Hey, Alexander, would you let someone read your future?” he asked Alec out of the blue as he guided him back to the brownstone to which Alec scoffed.

“Do you really believe in that?” Alec asked back and Magnus shrugged.

“You never know when you need a little magic, right?” he said, his voice was still sad, but the day was sunny and bright and it could take his sorrows away. He would let it, anyway.

He and Alec had been talking. There were no coincidences, just facts, and well, perhaps things were better off like this. Magnus tried to make excuses as to why things hadn’t worked out and Alec, the ever down-to-earth one simply answered with, they had financial troubles, and they did try to find other galleries. They did their best, albeit it had been too little and too late.

Damn Alec and his assertions.

When they made it to the brownstone, Catarina ran down the steps of the house and jumped on his arms, almost making him lose his balance and Alec’s who’d been holding onto his arm and Magnus turned to catch him before he actually fell.

Catarina apologized profusely and Alec dismissed her as if he’d known her forever.

“I’m Catarina Loss, Magnus’ friend,” she said and Magnus watched her as she looked Alec from head to toe and smiled broadly while Magnus shook his head.

“I’m Alec, I hear you’re good at pity parties,” Alec said, making Catarina laugh aloud and he responded in kind. That man was never going to cease to amaze him, Magnus thought. His laughter, when he really meant it, lit up his face. His eyes would close and the wrinkles around them made him look even better. His perfect teeth and perfect smile were unique. He could continue watching it and wouldn’t get tired of it and he knew it.

“We’re the best, but let me help you with those bags,” she took the ones Alec was carrying and Magnus helped him reach the first step, both watching him as he went all the way to the door and opened it for them.

“I know you’ve said he’s quite functional and an ass, but he seems quite good at the former and a little too funny to be the latter. What have you done to him?”

Magnus didn’t say anything. He just hugged Catarina and breathed deeply. He was fairly sure Alec had managed to hear them before walking in and was grateful that he was giving them some space to just be there. Magnus definitely felt better with her by his side. How the day was going to go, he still wasn’t sure.

“Raphael called me, he said you don’t want to talk to him, Mag. Why? He loves you and just found out about that gallery this morning. It was the call he received last night, while we were at dinner. This morning, he saw your name and the pictures of the paintings you were going to present and he got worried. They couldn’t take the exhibit right now, but they’re considering it…” Magnus lifted his hands and cut her off. He wanted to know all about it but not right then. He just wanted to go in, eat something and then stuff himself with ice cream.

“I promise I’ll call him tomorrow, let’s go in, Alec’s waiting for us,” Magnus told her and they walked into the brownstone.

Magnus didn’t want to talk about the exhibit or to the others just yet. He kept telling himself he was going to be alright. He just needed to process and make his peace with things. His time would come eventually, uneventfully. Everything would work out in time.

Or so he hoped.

 

***

 

As it turned out, Catarina was not only the kindest woman he had met in a long time, she also had all sort of stories to tell about Magnus growing up and as she was a nurse, she didn’t have any qualms about dealing with people like him. That was a change. People would usually do all the wrong things when it came to treating blind people, from grabbing them without their permission to try to show them the way, to even scream thinking like they were actually deaf. Not that it was done with an evil intent—most of the time—but still, he felt completely normal with her in the house.

“So, Magnus has decided to dress up as this fairy thing and he actually looked good, believe me, but he didn’t realize it and he was locked inside the dressing rooms in the school theater and by the time I could find him and Luke could come to his rescue, my poor fairy-clad friend had fallen asleep over a bunch of costumes, but let me tell you one thing, Alec, there wasn’t a single hair out of place and his makeup was intact. I’m telling you, this man must know some magic to never look bad!”

Just listening to her and their stories was easy. Catarina had a way with words and her voice was soft and welcoming. It was a nice change for him and he was secretly happy he’d been open to meeting her. Alec had been in need of something tangible about this friend Magnus seemed to love so much and there wasn’t one thing about her that he didn’t like already. He laughed with them at every story and every detail she could offer. And the change in Magnus’ voice was also noticeable. Not that he was okay, Magnus had already told him he wasn’t, but he was trying, and that was a big step in itself.

The morning ended and they ate as much ice cream as it was possible, and then they ordered lunch and now, in mid-afternoon, he and Catarina had moved to the parlor as Magnus was in the kitchen crafting some cocktails. Alec could hear Magnus laugh just enough to give away how he was, while Catarina spoke animatedly in that lovely voice of hers.

“He did mention once that he wore makeup but I didn’t know he did when he was in high school too,” Alec conceded. Catarina hummed next to him and he felt when she touched his arm as if it was the most natural thing for them to do.

“Magnus has always liked aesthetics. He likes what’s beautiful and has an eye for it, he can turn anything into a piece of art,” she said and the pride in her voice gave away the love she had for him.

“He’s lucky to have you to keep him grounded then,” Alec said. There was something about Catarina, an innate feeling of nurturing that made him trust her. His life was truly changing and although he was apprehensive and scared, this one change was very welcome. He still couldn’t pinpoint what made him feel at ease, but he wasn’t going to think too much into it. He was fine, he felt safe, and most of it, he was happy.

“On the contrary, I am the one who’s lucky. Magnus got adopted and he kept me around. He and Luke gave me the home I needed and he’s had my back more than once,” she said and Alec figured she was now looking at Magnus or something like that. It was the kind of thing he would’ve done if he were her.

“He said he loved you the other day over the phone and I thought he was talking to his girlfriend,” Alec admitted a bit embarrassed and Catarina chuckled next to him.

“As much as he is a wonderful man, he’s alone. He believes love has to unlock this one thing inside you, that it has to have a spark so unmistakably yours and your partner’s that nothing else would matter. He’s a romantic at heart but my poor Mag won’t give his heart to just anyone anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Some people come to you to destroy your heart and that happened to him the last time he loved someone, so, he’s more guarded now. How about you? Is there anyone in your life?” she asked with interest but no malice. Alec liked her more and more as time passed by.

“My, my, Catarina, cut poor Alexander here some slack. You don’t have to say anything, Alec. She’s just being nosey,” Magnus said as he put some glasses on the coffee table in front of them.

“Magnus!” she chided him and Alec could notice there was no tension between them. Just some brother-sister banter he realized he missed having. They were making him accept he missed his siblings more than he would’ve cared to admit before and didn’t know how to deal with it just yet. He was simply hoping Izzy replied to his message soon or that Jace would do anything about it. He didn’t want to think of the alternative. For now, the conversation was about something else and he knew Catarina was waiting for him to answer.

“Nope, just me, myself, and I. Apparently I ain’t boyfriend material. Or so my last boyfriend said.”

Alec let the words out of his mouth without even noticing them. He reached for a glass which Magnus showed to him by pushing his hand gently in the right direction. He didn’t say anything, he just showed him the way as if it was a regular thing between them. It was Catarina who made him come out of his thoughts.

“Some people are just assholes, Alec. You are obviously intelligent and fun, let alone handsome, that man must’ve been out of his mind,” she said and he turned to her. How he would have loved to see her then. To watch her eyes and see in them that she was telling the truth, but he knew she was regardless. Her voice was calm and confident and there was so much care in it for him that it warmed his heart.

“You must be used to saying these things to people all the time, no?” he asked and he heard her sigh and perhaps lean on the couch a bit more.

“Yes and no, Alec. I work with people who have gone through things as you did. You lost your eyesight but I see people who have lost limbs, senses, mothers losing their sons, fathers grieving. Anything you can imagine happening in a hospital, I’ve seen it. And I can’t give people false hope. I can’t tell a woman who’s just had a miscarriage that everything will be alright when it won’t be for a while when watching other mothers with their babies will trigger her pain and sadness. Sometimes, it’s about just being there and letting them cry and just hold their hands. Everyone goes through their grief and their healing and even their happiness at their own pace and you can only let them. I can’t say what I don’t believe in, but I do say things from my heart. So trust me, that man has lost so much and hasn’t realized it yet or else, he’d be here on his knees begging you to take him back.”

“Oh God, no!” Alec said in between laughs, and he realized that Catarina was right. Alec hadn’t made his peace with things before but this one was one of those he was done with. He just kept using it as a crutch to not think about love again but he would just keep all that to himself.

“That bad, huh?” he heard Magnus say and the three of them laughed when he nodded.

“I guess he thought I didn’t have any more money or something,” he said, noticing how he would spill more about himself to these two than he had ever said to others before. “This drink is good,” he grimaced as he took a sip and Magnus laughed.

“You don’t have to lie, Alec,” Magnus said and Alec shook his head.

“It’s been a while since I had something other than wine but I can recognize a good drink when I have it, Magnus,” he answered back, biting his tongue as he did.

“With your pedigree, I believe you,” Magnus said and Catarina moved next to him.

“If I didn’t know you’ve been around each other for so little time, I’d say you’re like an old married couple,” Catarina said and he could’ve almost sworn Magnus had just spat his drink.

“We’ve gotten along for less than a week, Catarina,” Alec said a bit embarrassed. He’d been stubborn, biased, and not really nice. He’d wanted Magnus gone when he’d believed Magnus wasn’t acting on his best interest but his mom’s and even though he’d made his peace with her, he still felt like she needed to have some control. She had admitted to that much. However, he now knew Magnus had nothing to do with it, which was a change; everybody else would give his mom whatever she wanted but Magnus. He was there for him, and that was a way of doing things he approved of.

Catarina laughed then, rich and soundly. He turned to her with his full body and she tapped his arm.

“I believe you. I didn’t get along with him for more than a month. I distrusted everyone and there was this scrawny new kid in a new foster home who looked as lost as me and I still wouldn’t trust him. Until the day someone was rude to me because of my skin and he stood up for me. I didn’t ask him to do it and all I wanted to do was go to that house that wasn’t mine, pick up my things, and run away. And when he turned to me, he offered me his hand and walked home with me and promised me he’d be there for me forever. Almost twenty years later, we’re still here, so don’t worry, Alec. He may be annoying at times but he’s not a quitter; unless you mention McDonald’s and that’s a whole different story, trust me!” she said and laughed again. Her comment made Magnus complain from his seat and Alec laughed along with them.

Magnus had said he wasn’t going anywhere. He just wanted, deep inside, to believe any of it could be true. He treated him with respect, like he was a regular Joe, and didn’t pretend Alec wasn’t blind at all.

“May I ask you something, Alec?” she said suddenly and Alec nodded. “you touch things to see them, but how do you _see_?”

Alec opened his mouth and shrugged for a second. He took a big sip of his drink and reached out to find the table. He turned to Catarina, folding a leg and offered her his hands. She took them and Alec sighed as he moved them along hers.

“My hands tell me things, you know that fingertips are sensitive. So when I move my hands over something I not only feel its texture. I can tell when something is hard or moist. I can even tell you have this tiny thin scar near your wrist, but it’s so ragged that it looks like it was an accident. Your palms feel different from the back. And it’s the same with the things I touch. When someone describes them I get a better idea and I use my memory to remember but yeah, I smell more things now and can differentiate smells too, I have a good hearing, and Magnus here says I have spidey senses,” Magnus laughed at that and Alec smiled broadly imagining the face Catarina was making.

“Thank you, Alec. I’d never dared ask anyone about this but I figured you could tell me and I’m very grateful. My gut didn’t lie to me, you’re a good man,” she said and Alec heard Magnus as he stood up.

“Refill?” Magnus offered and Alec nodded, returning his attention back to Catarina.

“Did Magnus tell you about his new painting?” he asked and waited. He noticed how Magnus stopped walking a few feet from them and how Catarina moved in her side of the couch.

“He has been very cryptic about it, what do you know?” Catarina was whispering and Alec thought she might’ve even leaned a little so that Magnus didn’t hear the disappointment in her voice, “he hasn’t let me see anything he’s painted or sketched in the past few weeks, you know?”

“Come with me,” Alec said and stood up. He knew she was next to him because he heard her breathing steadily next to him. Catarina was probably as short as Izzy, and when she stood next to him, he noticed the thick braids in her hair. As they were reaching the threshold, Magnus called them from the kitchen asking them where they were going.

“Oh, Alec is just giving me the tour around the house, Magnus, we’ll be back for the cocktails in a minute,” she said and Alec was grateful. He was also overwhelmed in a good way, he told himself. He felt at ease talking to Catarina and she was just giving him the space to move and do his thing. The last time something like that had probably happened was on his last week at the hospital, when he’d already learned the space and the doctors and nurses had given him room to move as he wanted. Being at the house had been a different thing. It had taken Jace, Izzy, and his mom a long time to let him be. They had felt that they needed to do everything for him at first, and it hadn’t been easy, he wasn’t going to start lying to himself. It took him all the time he could have on his own to learn where everything was, to move things around to his own liking, and to let go of the fear of getting hurt.

They all now understood and let him. Hadn’t Jace just told him not so long ago he was still amazed at how he could do things by himself? Well, he’d been determined not to be a burden for anyone, even if his mother didn’t fully understand it. However, he was still taking baby steps with her and she was willing to do the same with him. So, someone like Catarina, a stranger still because he had just met her, someone who knew how to be around him without being disruptive or pretending things were going to be peachy perfect by some sort of miracle, was refreshing. Alec felt he could trust her. Magnus already did. And he didn’t feel any guilt as they reached the door to the guest room.

“I ‘saw’ it the other day, and he might get mad at me later, but I’d really love for you to see it too,” Alec whispered, a little afraid Magnus could hear them. He opened the door and as they walked in, he heard Catarina gasp and then a muffled sound, as if she’d covered her mouth.

“My God, Alec...this is…”

He nodded and walked behind her all the way to the window, where he knew Magnus had kept the painting those days.

“I know,” he answered and the next thing he knew, Alec was grabbing Catarina’s hand when he heard her sob slightly. “Are you okay?” he asked her and she was letting go and walking away.

“Yeah, it’s just...the way he did this...Do you know what this place is? I mean…” she began but then her emotions must have been too much for she was quiet again soon.

“It’s Lake Tahoe, and you Alexander, are a traitor,” Magnus said from the door and Alec turned toward it, his cheeks flushed. “I would’ve shown it to her...eventually…”

“Don’t be rude, Magnus Bane! This is breathtakingly beautiful,” Catarina admonished him and she came to stand by his side. Alec was thankful for the silent support.

“I didn’t...I…” Alec stuttered and Magnus’ footsteps interrupted him; he just lowered his head.

“It’s okay, if there’s anyone I’d share this with, it’s my dearest Catarina. Thank you, Alec. I don’t know how you knew I wasn’t brave enough to show it to her today.”

It was perhaps the pained voice with which he spoke or the fact that he heard as if the friends were embracing each other or something, but Alec felt as if he were witnessing love in its pure essence. He had no doubt Magnus and Catarina were much like he and Izzy, and he felt as if he were intruding. Alec was about to leave when Catarina stopped him.

“Thank you, Alec. Can I hug you? I mean, I really, really want to hug you right now for showing me this but I don’t know if you’d be okay with me doing it,” she asked, and he simply nodded.

Alec wasn’t sure what had just happened with him that day, or that week for that matter. Catarina was on her tiptoes, short as she was and gave him a heartfelt hug. She whispered a thank you in his ear again and he returned the hug with the same fervor.

It had been a long time since he’d allowed himself this. To be with people, to think of a life in which not everything was dark. There were still people who loved him, people he’d pushed away because of his own fears. And there were still people like Catarina, who could give love to outcasts like him.

“Now, cocktails, sit in the bed and talk, or turn on the TV and watch something, I’ll be right back,” Magnus said and the next thing Alec knew, he and Catarina were laughing as Magnus walked out of the room.

 

***

 

As it turned out, their pity party extended until very late that night. They had moved from the guest room back to the parlor and Alec had unraveled the secret that the couch was also a bed and was big enough for the three of them. Magnus had then gotten some pillows and blankets from the linen closet and they had gotten cozy in front of the TV.

At some point in the evening, they’d ordered some more take out and had eaten it in the kitchen and then had gone to the parlor to drink some more cocktails until they ran out of liquor to prepare them and they had moved onto the wine Alec kept in the small wine rack in the kitchen. Magnus had to admit Jace had good taste, though. The wine he’d brought from his latest trip was exquisite.

And they were completely gone half-way through the first season of Grace and Frankie, fully taken by the dynamic between the husbands and the wives as they started their new lives. Catarina and he had done most of the talking. They had shared stories of their lives growing up, they talked about Luke and Sarge, and Catarina shared with them happy stories from the hospital because she kept saying not everything had to be dark and somber. Alec heard every word of theirs and had taken it all in, but whenever he spoke, he had actually been there in the conversation; sharing, asking questions, laughing. Magnus felt they had had a really good time and was secretly happy and grateful for how the day had gone.

The three of them had gotten along so well, that they had fallen asleep on the couch, completely drunk, content, and close to one another.

When Magnus woke up in the morning, he felt as if something furry had crawled in his mouth and had died there. He moved his hands over his face and pushed his hair all the way to the back. Catarina was sleeping, curled up on the opposite corner of the couch, her face to the window, and her back to both he and Alec. And well, there was Alec. The man was peacefully sleeping in between him and Catarina, and his face was the mirror of what an angel should look like, even with those adorable little snores of his. Looking at him like that would’ve made anyone think he was the sweetest man on Earth, and he probably was indeed sweet and nice and even well-spoken and intelligent, but he could also give anyone a run for their money with his quick mouth and awful remarks.

He had to ask Catarina about coping mechanisms because, for all he knew, the Alec that Catarina had just met was very different from the one he’d met over a month ago.

They had gone through a lot and somehow that had changed them both. It was more evident in Alec as his behavior had been affected the most but he had changed too. Before, it was all about getting by, making ends meet, and having a good time. He’d needed the money to be able to continue studying, maybe travel a little. It had never gone through his mind that he was going to end up caring for another soul and much less that the man he was supposed to take care of would become such a crucial part of his life.

Magnus would have never imagined he would be having pity parties with one Alexander Lightwood.

As it was still early and well, literally dawn hadn’t arrived yet, he had time to think. Magnus moved his hands over his face by instinct. He felt shivers down his spine as he tried to retrace where Alec had touched. Alec had told Catarina his fingertips told him things and wondered what they could have told him about him. He did have crows feet by his eyes now, so maybe that was it?

Alec had been thorough when he’d put his hands on his face. He’d touched his nose and his lips, even his ears and his favorite cuff on the left, which he was still wearing. Magnus had shivered then as his neck was sensitive and Alec’s hands had been careful. Alec had also run his fingers through his hair, on the day when it wasn’t styled to his standards, and that had done things to him. It had affected him so much he hadn’t been able to say no to him the day before. He could still feel Alec, the slow movement of his hands, the precise way he’d done it. Magnus simply kept staring at him, not being able to look anywhere else.

Magnus had agreed to the pity party, to call Catarina, to let Alec show her his painting. Alec wasn’t so stealth, after all, and he was okay with that; otherwise, he would never have brought it up and perhaps his version of Lake Tahoe would never have seen the light. And yet, they’d brought it downstairs and it was leaning against the unused fireplace and under the TV on the wall.

Catarina had taken advantage of everything; each gesture from Alec was a question she’d dared ask, each movement was something she had wanted to know about. And he’d learned so much about him right then and now had a brand new higher level of respect for Alec, who hadn’t talked about the accident but had had no trouble talking about his experiences at the hospital and the people who’d taken care of him back then. Alec had told them how he’d learned to move around, how he’d been adamant about being independent.

And he’d been as fascinated as Catarina by his tale when Alec spoke.

Alec had even told them about the homophobic, psychopath he’d had as a caretaker for just one day. Back then, Maryse hadn’t known what she was looking for and had hired the first guy who was available. It wasn’t until Alec heard the guy talking about his hatred for the LGTBQ community over a phone call that he’d texted his mom and had asked her to help him out. Apparently, Jace had been with his mom then and had gone on overprotective mode, rushing to the house and taking the guy away from the house. That had been the reason for them to have the security system installed on the house. Jace had just earned himself a few good points on Magnus’ view.

Right then, Magnus just didn’t want to imagine Alec having anyone else in the house and taking care of him. And just the thought of Alec touching someone else the way he’d seen him touch Lydia or himself made him shake his head. He didn’t want that to happen. He felt suddenly jealous of Alec giving anyone those very rare moments of intimacy. He was okay with Lydia, perhaps even Catarina but way further in the future. He just didn’t want to not feel special. For he knew he and Alec had something different going on between them but still had no idea what it was just yet. All he knew was, that whatever it was, he cherished it.

He turned to look at the window and then back at Alec as he slept and couldn’t still figure a thing out. However, the one thing that he knew was that Alec was gorgeous. His Italian features, the shape of his nose, his thick lips. He reached out with his hand but didn’t dare touch. He loved the wrinkles on Alec’s face, by his mouth and eyes, whenever he laughed and meant it. He loved his ebony, thick hair and how it was always wild and disheveled. He loved Alec’s beard and how it made him look wiser and more sophisticated. Alec was a dashing man, there was no denying it, and he was lucky to be able to see him on a daily basis.

Magnus withdrew his hand and sighed deeply. Whatever was happening, he was just hoping it made his job easier. They were coming to an understanding of sorts. They were getting along. He was making progress in getting Alec to do more things than just working out, his laundry or watching TV. And he had just been able to paint an incredible piece thanks to Alec. Things were good right then and he wanted to keep the status quo or help things get better between them. He could only hope.

He wouldn’t be able to have another fight with Alec after how considerate he’d been with him. Alec had seen him at a low point and hadn’t judged him. He’d offered him his hand, he’d offered the shelter of the brownstone, and he’d promised to be there for him.

Magnus checked his phone and saw the time and realized he still had at least another hour to sleep, but after tossing and turning, he gave up, deciding to just get up. He went to the dining room and looked for his backpack. He grabbed his toothbrush and washed his mouth and came back to find Alec and Catarina still soundly asleep.

So, he sketched. Alec sleeping. Alec moving but never turning toward Catarina, yet still at ease next to her. Alec’s parted lips as he breathed in and out, slowly, his chest rising and falling rhythmically.

Magnus wanted to touch Alec, to close his eyes and touch Alec’s face and learn and see the way Alec did. He wanted to ask him what he’d seen when he’d touched his. How different was it from Lydia’s or even Izzy or Jace’s? Magnus felt this unnerving urge to know.

Perhaps he was just feeling grateful. Alec had opened a whole new world of possibilities for them. They could do things together with their art, Magnus could see him work, and be a witness at how his mind worked. Maybe, with time, he could get him watercolors and eventually Alec could paint in oil paints again. Who knew? There were stories of people who had succeeded in spite of their own personal difficulties; why wouldn’t Alec? Getting him the fingerpaint had been an impulse but he was glad he did it.

He looked for Clary’s number and sent her a text message. He had an idea for the upper floor and he was sure she could help him. She would kill him when she saw the time of the message but she’d be happy to help. She was a kind soul, which made him realize that he’d always been surrounded by such people.

His mom, Catarina, Luke, Jocelyn and Clary, Ragnor, Raphael, they had all helped shape who he was. Alec and the Lightwoods were just showing him another kind of interaction. Being around them allowed him to witness it while being a silent part of. The Lightwoods weren’t exactly affectionate in front of others, but he’d seen them when they were around each other and they all loved one another alright. Things were upside down, Jace had told him that much, and that was definitely a good thing. Alec’s conversation with Maryse had been an eye-opener. He knew the woman cared for her son, but having heard the protectiveness in her voice and the love in it had made him realize how deep their love was. He simply hoped he could understand why they kept their distance when Alec needed them so much.

By the time Alec stirred in the couch, Magnus was chopping veggies for an omelet. He’d been wide awake for a while so he figured he could do something useful. He stopped and set a pod in the coffee machine as Alec started touching around, unsure of where he was, but Magnus called his name slowly, making him turn toward him.

“Magnus?” Alec asked and he nodded, “what happened last night?” he asked and Magnus came to him, taking his hand to guide him off the couch.

“We ended up sleeping in the parlor. Catarina is still out but I’m making some food. Would you like some coffee?” he asked and Alec nodded, sitting down on his usual stool. He turned on the VoiceOver and they both heard it was barely seven in the morning. Catarina moved just a little but still didn’t wake up.

“I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to make you stay or anything,” Alec told him and Magnus shook his head as he served the coffee for Alec and put it in front of him.

“Please, don’t worry. I had a really good time and I’m sure Cat did too. I hope you enjoyed yourself, Alexander. It’s not every day you throw a pity party for a stranger.”

“You’re barely a stranger anymore, Magnus, and Catarina is your friend. I’m glad I could help,” Alec said as he took the mug and started drinking from it. Even with bed head, he was handsome, Magnus thought.

“I messaged my friend Clary earlier. I asked her to find some things for me and maybe I’ll get to work on the rooms upstairs so that you have everything at hand during the weekend if you decide you want to paint,” he explained what he wanted to do to Alec who listened to him carefully.

“Who’s this Clary again?” Alec asked as he finished the coffee and Magnus smiled.

“Clary is my almost sister. Her mom and my dad have gone around each other for years, we’re hoping they finally get together soon,” he told him as if nothing; “she’s an artist too. It was Jocelyn, her mom, who encouraged me to paint. She’s the closest thing to a mother I have and Clary, well, I already told you, she’s like a sister to me.”

“You know so many people, Magnus,” Alec whispered, his voice still a bit hoarse from waking up. “How much did we drink, by the way?”

“There isn’t a drop of alcohol in this house anymore,” Magnus announced and Alec grimaced.

“Good. I don’t think I wanna drink any if Izzy shows up this weekend,” he said as he passed his hand over his face and Magnus went back to the veggies and eggs.

“If? Haven’t you talked to her yet?” Magnus asked and he saw the sad expression in Alec’s face. Maybe Alec was having his own private pity party and he didn’t know about it.

“I texted her, but she hasn’t answered yet. We’ll see,” he shrugged as the words came out but Magnus could tell he was worried. He wanted to reassure him, to let him know things were going to be alright, but he didn’t really know, so he didn’t give Alec any false hope.

“Alexander, if there’s anything I know about your siblings is that they love you. She’ll be here and you can make milkshakes with the ice cream we bought yesterday. I’m sure she’ll love it and just the fact that you want to meet her boyfriend? She’s going to be thrilled, I promise,” he spoke as he let the veggies shimmer on the frying pan and when he added the eggs, and the salt and pepper, he inhaled deeply.

“Is it going to be as tasty as it smells?” Alec asked and Magnus knew he was changing the topic and he was okay with that. He was about to answer when Catarina sat on the couch, as lost as Alec had woken up when he didn’t recognize the place.

“Morning, Cat,” he greeted and he watched Alec smile broadly toward the parlor as he said morning as well and Catarina came to the kitchen, a hand on her hip and the other over her hair trying to tame her always perfect braids.

“Oh God...we really did fall asleep on the couch, all three of us,” she laughed as she commented and Magnus nodded, offering her some coffee as he finished flipping an omelet.

“Here you go, Alexander,” he put a plate in front of him and guided him to the fork and then put another for Catarina.

“I’ve missed your cooking, Mag,” she announced in a cooing voice and Alec smiled.

“He is good,” Alec said as he took a bite and Magnus exchanged a look of pride with Catarina.

“Oh Alec, you just wait until the mood strikes and he’ll make the meanest Belgian waffles on Earth, I’m telling you, he could be a chef if he weren’t an artist,” Catarina said and Magnus was completely taken aback by how easy those two had fit together. He turned and looked at them, Alec was smiling as he explained to Catarina how he always listened to the news using the VoiceOver in his iPad and whatever else he could use it for. He turned back to the food as he served Catarina a plate, smiling.

He really liked watching them like that. They were the ones who knew about the exhibition and the gallery and they were the ones there with him. It was good; all of it.

**I’ll see what I can do and I’ll call you later. STOP TEXTING AT UNGODLY HOURS! Love U! <3 **

Magnus chuckled as he checked the text message that had just arrived and both Catarina and Alec looked at him as if he had just turned a different color or something.

“That was Clary, she’s helping me with a little project,” Magnus shared and then sat down to eat with them.

So far, so good, Magnus thought. He was right where he needed to be right then. He could take on the world later on.

 

Catarina left soon after breakfast and Magnus asked Alec for some time to go home and get changed. He didn’t want to have to use Alec’s clothes again and his house was close enough that he would need just a couple of hours, maybe less. Besides, he could stay a little late that night as he had nothing better to do. Also, they had taken the day before for their little gathering and he still had a lot to do upstairs.

Magnus made sure the parlor was back in place and that Alec was in his room before leaving. He promised to himself not to take too long.

He got in the shower as soon as he got home and took his time there. He still felt like something was wrong with him, because why else would things failed him. He’d been working on being an artist so hard and for so long that the rejection from the gallery was just devastating. Still, closed his eyes and let the water take away his sorrows as he remembered his mom and her sweet face whenever he cried like a baby. She always told him water takes away your tears as you don’t notice them and so, he let go.

When he came out, he got dressed and put on some light makeup. He was planning on spending some time on the upper floor cleaning and so, he took some old sweatpants and a t-shirt to wear while he put an extra change of clothes in his backpack. He left most of his jewelry at home and barely used any wax on his hair. He was going to clean and organize things, he didn’t need much to do that.

He walked past his studio and looked inside. There was still that painting of Alec he’d done some weeks ago and he stopped in front of it. It was so dark and yet, he knew it was a reflection of who Alec had been when he’d just met him. This Alec he was going to see again in a while was someone different, he was nicer even if not happier.

Magnus looked for a blank canvas and got some paint out. He started tracing here and there, an image in his head that needed to see the light even if he wouldn’t show it to anyone. Magnus knew he should stop himself. This wouldn’t take him anywhere but he was obsessed, which was why he hadn’t shown anything to Catarina the last few times they had met. He had no idea how he could explain to her why his sketchbooks were filled with his own drawings of Alec.

The other time he’d been in his studio and had painted Alec, he hadn’t known what he was doing. He had simply mixed colors and had realized what it was only after he was done.

This time, however, it was the opposite.

So, Magnus closed his eyes more than once, trying to remember every detail. He saw Alec again as he’d been that morning, sleeping without a worry in the world. The peaceful look on Alec’s face and the calmness in his breathing. He remembered also what it had been like to have been touched by Alec. His hands moving slowly but thoroughly over his face. How he’d touched his eyes and around them, his cheeks and his jaw. His ears and his ear cuff.

Magnus shuddered as the memories overflowed him and led his hands. He was using color. Wine red for the upper part of a shirt contrasting with his fair skin. When it came to his eyes though, Magnus stopped and looked for the right combination. They had to look like Alec’s, so unmistakably his, and he bit his brush as he combined shades to recreate the hazel.

Magnus’ breath caught in his throat as he started to see the resemblance. He took his time to paint the creases of the crow’s feet around Alec’s eyes and then making the rosy pink he used for Alec’s lips. He lost track of time, so lost was he into painting Alec that the only thing that got him out of it was his phone ringing endlessly and loudly in the kitchen counter, where he’d left it charging.

“Magnus! Where are you?!” he heard Alec ragged breathing on the other side of the line and took a quick look at his watch. It was past noon and he was still at home.

“I’m sorry, Alexander...I...was painting and I lost track of time. What’s going on? You know what? I’m leaving right now, shit, Alec, I’m so sorry!” Magnus said in a hurry and only stopped a moment to lock the door to his studio. Catarina knew where to find the spare key to his loft and he didn’t want her to see the paintings he’d made of Alec so far. That required a lot of alcohol and time for them to talk and he was neither ready to have the conversation nor willing to explain himself.

“Jace came to have lunch with me and this Clary you told me about showed up and now Jace is completely quiet like he can’t say two words together and I don’t know what you asked her to do and she keeps asking about you and why aren’t you here again?” Alec asked in a hurry and Magnus wanted to kick himself when he heard him stutter. He looked for the onewheel he kept somewhere near the front door and ran out of the loft.

“I’m on my way, I promise. I just asked Biscuit to get me a couple of dispensers for the rolls of paper and some other stuff, but...you know what,  I’m out of the building right now, I’ll be there soon, Alexander!”

He put the onewheel on the floor and texted Clary before going about the streets of Brooklyn as fast as he could.

**Don’t break Alec’s brother, please.**

He was sweating by the time he made it to the Brownstone. Clary and Jace were sitting on the parlor, and he knew it was too late. The poor blond, Lightwood heir was already taken by the beauty that was Clary Fray, with her deep green eyes, fair skin, and red hair. Magnus could see Jace staring at her as if she were an angel but she was equally taken by him, he noticed.

Who would’ve thought, he mused, and said a quick hi to run to Alec who was in the kitchen completely uncomfortable and not knowing what to do.

“I’m sorry, Alexander, I…” he stopped when he looked at him and saw the helpless look on the man’s face. He was, right then, the embodiment of the lost puppy Catarina had always told him about.

“You smell of paint,” Alec said in a flat voice and Magnus knew he was trying not to give away how nervous and uncomfortable he was.

“Inspiration hit me and I couldn’t stop myself, though I should have,” Magnus apologized and went to the fridge to get some ice cream, “here, have some chocolate mint, and I’ll take care of Jace, I promise, he’s fine, he was just hit by the thunderbolt,” he said and Alec gave him a weird look, “The Godfather? By Mario Puzo? You’ve never read it? Never mind, I’ll explain later,” he patted Alec quickly on the shoulder and then turned to the parlor, “Biscuit!” Magnus said aloud, trying to bring them back down to Earth.

He stopped by the chairs and Clary came to hug him tight. He always loved to be around the Frays and their open displays of affection, which fitted him so perfectly.

“I didn’t know you had the day off, Magnus, I would’ve come some other time,” she said as she held his hand and signaled to a bag with things she’d brought with her.

“Did you get everything I asked you?” Magnus went to check the bag and Clary tilted her head and smirked. He looked at Jace really quick and noticed the dumbstruck look on his face. “Thank you, Biscuit; I guess you already know Jace and Alec Lightwood? This is Alec’s home. Hello, Jace, good to see you again.”

The fact that Jace wouldn’t say anything and even tried to stutter made Magnus smile knowingly as he looked at Alec and his unfazed face while he ate his ice cream. Jace was so far gone for Clary, he almost felt sorry, if it weren’t for the fact that Clary was equally smitten by Jace. That silly smile on her face would always give her away.

“Are you guys done?” Alec asked, and Magnus saw the old Alec back, this time, however, he could understand why. He hadn’t told him what he’d asked of Clary and she had just come without him knowing. Alec had invited Catarina to the house, they had bonded quickly. And there was Clary with her angelic face, making his brother fall in love with her. Of course, Alec must’ve been annoyed.

“Alexander, I’m going upstairs to finish our project, I’m going to finish cleaning it up, so why don’t you stay here, you know how dusty it is up there,” Magnus saw Alec nod as he finished his ice cream. “Do you want me to set up anything for you?”

“I’ll stay here with him unless you need me upstairs for anything?” Jace asked trying to look cool and Magnus noticed the stutter and the lovestruck demeanor in the younger Lightwood. Magnus shook his head. Poor Jace was definitely gone for Clary, and he’d just met her.

“Okay, Biscuit, let me get this and come with me. I need your help with something else,” Magnus waited for Clary to head upstairs as he got the bag and brought them with him, opening the room for Clary to see what was there. “I need to find a charity to give the clothes to and I’ll ask Jace to help me move the books to the other room, how low do you think I can place the dispensers? I mean, I need to have them at a height where Alec can reach them even if I’m not here,” he realized he’d been talking nonstop and that Clary was giving him a look. “What?”

“He’s as quiet and grumpy as you mentioned but you don’t look so annoyed by that anymore, why is that?” she came to him and stood by his side and Magnus took in every word she said. It was true that things had changed but it was also true he hadn’t talked to her or Luke since the Fourth.

“We’ve come to an agreement and I’m fine working here, so, we’re good, Biscuit, don’t worry about me,” he waved his hand trying to reassure her and she grabbed it.

“You were painting, at your loft, during working hours, what’s going on?” she asked and he smiled at her sweetly. Damn, Clary could always look through him easily and he had always been honest with her.

“I had to go home to get a change of clothes, you can see I need it if I want to make this place look presentable, and I felt suddenly inspired, and it got late; besides, I was expecting you much later. Now _you_ tell me something, what’s the deal with Alec’s brother?” Clary’s behavior changed immediately. Her smile was broader and she pulled her hair behind her ears. She liked blondie and was as smitten as he was by her. “Clary?”

“Well...have you looked at him?” she said and squealed happily. Of course he’d seen him, he was good looking and smart. He had given him some hindsight on Alec and had helped him clear their misunderstanding. “I saw the painting in the parlor, did you do it?”

“Just go easy on him, he seems like a good guy,” Magnus said and he heard footsteps coming toward them, “and yes, I made that painting, it’s just that…” he was going to tell her about the exhibit and everything that had happened when he was interrupted.

“Are you sure you don’t need any help here?” Jace said from the door and Magnus saw Alec towering over him from behind.

“Actually, we need to move all the books to the other room while Clary and I sort the clothes for charity and then we need to swipe these two rooms clean, can you manage that?” Magnus asked and Jace was about to answer when Alec walked back downstairs. “Why don’t you and Clary start cleaning up here, or don’t, I’ll manage, I have to check on Alec.”

He walked out and followed Alec to his room downstairs, the door was ajar and he saw Alec sitting on the bed.

“Alexander, are you alright?” he asked as soon as he saw him. They were taking a step back but this time he knew why, so he could do something about it. Alec had had a busy week. He’d just had Catarina over, and now there was Clary and even Jace who shouldn’t have come until later that evening or even the next day. Alec must have been in overdrive and he was concerned.

“I…” Alec stuttered and Magnus walked to him, sitting next to him on the bed.

“I’ll ask Clary to go and I’ll be quiet upstairs while you spend time with Jace...you won’t even hear me around, I promise,” Magnus said, thinking it was what Alec needed...or wanted, perhaps.  Some peace and quiet after all the noise and the people around him.

“It’s not that, Magnus...I…you weren’t here...where were you? What took you so long?” it was Alec’s voice, the distress in it and his hesitation what made Magnus stop. He didn’t know what to say or what to make of it.

“I was home and walked into my studio and started painting, I never expected it to take me this long,” Magnus explained without telling him much else. How could he explain to Alec that he’d painted him? He would’ve loved to tell Alec about it but he couldn’t be that honest with him, and so, he bit his lip. If he even mentioned it, Alec would think he was a creep and that was way far from the truth. Magnus was just trying to explain to himself what it all meant. For all he knew, this time, there was color and life around Alec. That when he looked at him now, he saw a completely different man from the one he used to know. Magnus lowered his head, at least Alec couldn’t see the blush on his cheeks or how his hands were shaking right then. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”

“Let them clean up upstairs...I…”

“What do you want to do, Alexander?” Magnus asked. His mind was blank. He’d seen Alec vulnerable before, he’d seen him hurt and upset more than once but never indecisive or not knowing what to say like he was right then. So he waited and didn’t probe. Alec would tell him when he was ready and he would just wait. And if Alec decided that Clary and Jace should clean and he should stay next to him, that was exactly what he was going to do.

“Izzy hasn’t answered yet and I’m anxious right now, like very anxious, I don’t know what to do,” Alec spoke and Magnus noticed the fear in his voice. He was probably afraid she’d rejected him and he’d been taking steps with his family one by one. Izzy was the one he hadn’t reached out to yet.

“Would you like to do anything? Go out for a walk? We can even play with the giant Jenga downstairs, Alexander. Just tell me what you want to do,” Magnus offered and Alec shook his head.

“How did you get here so fast, Magnus?” Alec asked and Magnus smiled. He started to tell him what had happened with detail—except for what he had painted, of course—and he saw him relax slowly. Alec was particularly impressed by the onewheel he’d left somewhere downstairs, and promised he’d show it to him later. “I think I’ll stay here reading for a while, so I’m not on your way and don’t let them alone too long, Jace might not survive it,” Alec added, making Magnus stand up.

“You picked on that too, huh? I’ll come back and check on you later, Alexander.”

Magnus saw him nod and he closed the door behind him. There were too many changes happening for Alec lately but they were good. Alec needed those and so did Magnus. He’d talk to Catarina over the weekend, he promised himself and went back upstairs to see Jace drool all over Clary.

 

***

 

Alec knew Magnus had been busy the rest of the afternoon. He’d heard people coming and going for a while and then just the muffled sounds of things being moved around. When Clary had arrived, he hadn’t been sure if he was going to be able to handle another stranger in his home that day. He’d invited Catarina and had wanted her in the house with them. He had had time to prepare for her, had already heard of her. On the other hand, even though Magnus had told him about Clary, her arrival had been a complete surprise.

That week had already been eventful. After the accident and after living in absolute isolation for the past three years and not being used to changes anymore, it had been a lot to take in. There had been challenging moments, but there had been good ones too. He’d gone through a lot with Magnus but both had tried to take things slowly. Perhaps he had been the one who’d hurried things the most, he knew he had taken first steps in many directions, but it was okay. He was okay with that.

Alec hadn’t wanted to be in Magnus’ way. He knew he was getting help so he didn’t worry about what they were doing. He’d heard Magnus explaining to Clary about the clothes being donated to charity, so there was that. When he had found that the noise upstairs was starting to bother him, Alec tried focusing on reading; however, after a while, he had to put his book aside and just got his AirPods on and started listening to the Best of the Week playlist on his music app. He had even found some good songs and had added them to his ’faves’ playlist. It had been a while since he’d last been in the mood for the latest hit songs. It was already a thing of his to just go to his regular playlist with his favorite songs.

It was about eight by the time Magnus, Clary and Jace emerged from the upper floor. He could smell dust everywhere and he wrinkled his nose at that. He heard water running and then Jace nervously talking to Clary and he scoffed. Not that he didn’t like to see his brother like this, it was more a matter that he’d love to see him right then. He remembered how Jace’s eyes shone whenever he spoke about someone or something he really liked and wanted nothing but to see it again.

Clary hadn’t been so bad, he mused. She’d come and gone silently, never coming into his room or bothering him with questions. She’d been out of his way when they’d met on the hallway on his way to the restroom. Alec had heard her responding to Jace in kind and he and Magnus laughed at them a few times when Magnus came to check on him.

_‘What do you think, Alexander? Should we encourage them?’_

He’d laughed at Magnus’ words then and had nodded, knowing it would make Jace happy that he approved. Still, it hadn’t been the easiest of afternoons for him, and it had been so different from the day before that he didn’t know what to make of the whole thing.

“Hey, brother, there’s nothing here to eat, let me get some food. I’m going to change into some of your clothes and I’ll be back,” Jace announced and Alec was about to say something when Clary spoke.

“I can come with you if you want me to, I mean…”

Alec rolled his eyes by instinct, moved to the coffee maker, and put a pod of coffee in it and waited. He heard Jace’s breathing changing, his quick footsteps running upstairs, and he crossed his arms over his chest.

“There are some female clothes in the guest room, Clary. My sister left them there, so, if you want to change into them, you’re more than welcome to,” he said. He couldn’t let Jace get all cleaned up and comfy and Magnus’ sister go out while she was wearing dirty clothes.

“I don’t know…”

“Go, Biscuit. I’ll stay here with Alec while you guys come back,” Magnus interrupted her and the next thing Alec heard was Clary going upstairs. He exhaled loudly and turned toward the coffee maker when it beeped. “That was nice of you,” Magnus continued and he sat to drink his coffee.

“I’m just trying to be helpful, it’s not like I can do anything else, Magnus,” he spoke in a low voice, heat going up his ears.

“But you shouldn’t worry about it. I told you I’d take care of it, and since Clary is an artist like me, she was the one who could help me. I’ll get the mats this weekend and you’ll have your studio all set on Monday.”

“Thank you, Magnus. You didn’t have to go along with all this, you know?”

“I’m here to look after you, Alec. It’s the least I can do,” Magnus responded and he heard his stomach growl. “Hungry?”

“Starving, but you heard Jace, there’s no food here,” Alec said, his hand on his abdomen.

“Let me get you some nuts so that you’re not too full by the time they come back and I’ll go get changed myself. I still have to show you my onewheel!”

Alec laughed then. Only Magnus could go back and forth with topics and still not be a mess. He, Magnus, had been the most reassuring anchor he’d had all day. So much so that he’d called him desperate when he hadn’t returned and Jace and Clary had arrived.

“I owe you an apology, Magnus. I shouldn’t have called you like I did today,” he said and hid his face behind the mug he was drinking from.

“It’s quite alright. In fact, I am the one who should apologize. I left to get changed and ended up painting. I should’ve been more considerate.”

“You should never apologize for that, Magnus. At least not to me. After the week you’ve had, I’m glad you felt inspired again,” Alec said, trying to be as reassuring as possible. He knew it hadn’t been easy for Magnus, as much as he could recognize Magnus was trying to make things easier for him too.

Perhaps they were a match made in heaven for this sort of thing.

Jace and Clary came downstairs laughing when he heard the sound of porcelain on the table in front of him. Magnus guided his hand to it and he put a handful of nuts on his mouth.

“We’ll be right back, Alec,” Jace said and the next thing he heard was the front door closing and Jace’s car as he started it.

“I’m going to get changed, Alexander. I’ll be right back,” he hummed a yes to Magnus and kept eating, the nuts tasting reassuring in his mouth.

 

In the end, he hadn’t heard a word about the onewheel, but he and Magnus had gossiped about Jace and Clary, and Magnus had given him all the details about what Clary looked like and how those two were acting like fools in front of one another.

Dinner together was good. They had found a delicatessen not far from the house for what they’d said and had brought sandwiches. Alec wasn’t bothered in the slightest that his latest meals have all been take out—except for breakfast made by Magnus that morning—, and then Jace took some ungodly fifteen minutes trying to convince Clary and Magnus that he could give them a ride to Cypress Hill since Magnus had decided to spend the night at his dad’s. Alec was sure it was all a ruse so he and Clary could spend some more time together. Alec had listened to their conversation in silence from his usual spot in the kitchen. He got a little upset when Magnus sat next to him just to ask him if he was okay.

“Of course I am, Magnus, why wouldn’t I be?” he said a little unconvinced himself but he was determined to let Magnus go home. It was late, he didn’t need to stay more.

“Alexander…”

“Go to your dad’s, talk to him and tell him about what happened. I’m sure he’ll be happy to have you there. I’ll be fine,” he said trying to sound okay. It wasn’t that he wasn’t fine, it was more that he was still getting used to everything that was happening. He still didn’t want to be dependent on Magus for everything, so, he had to try and be better on his own again.

“Promise me you’ll call me if you need me,” Magnus said in a serious voice and he smiled tiredly.

“Cypress Hill is not DUMBO, Magnus.”

‘I’ll open up a portal and I’ll be here in no time, you’ll see,” he heard Magnus stand up and leave with Clary who said a quick goodbye on her way out.

“Are you sure you’ll be fine?” Jace asked him and Alec turned to him. He’d never heard his brother so taken by someone. In another lifetime, he’d make fun of him, and they’d open a bottle of wine and they’d talk about it. This time, Alec simply nodded. “I’ll see you tomorrow then,” Jace finished and Alec simply hugged him back when he said goodbye.

Magnus and Clary had left the brownstone a little after ten, Jace in tow, acting as their chauffeur and Alec was left with his own thoughts then. One of the things that still shook him about Magnus was how he was always willing to say he’d be around. He’d already told him he wasn’t leaving, and no matter how reassuring that had been, he was still weary, and it had taken him finding himself alone, still sitting at the kitchen island, sipping water straight from the bottle.

Silence had fallen over the brownstone and he sighed. After living three years of a mostly quiet life and after a week of noise and things happening, this silence felt unfamiliar to him. He wasn’t feeling sleepy or tired, his hangover was long gone. He wanted to do something, anything, but he had no idea what. He was tired of reading and listening to music. Fingerpainting could have been a good idea but he didn’t want to make a mess and then wait for someone to clean it for him on Monday, that someone would most likely be Magnus, most probably. His caretaker had cleaned and tidied up the brownstone already more than Greta had done in all the last few years. The other option was that Jace and Izzy cleaned the next day, but that was a thought he didn’t want to dwell on. He still hadn’t heard from Izzy and that had him anxious. He’d just learn to hide things from Jace but it had apparently been so evident for Magnus that he kept asking him if he was okay.

Well, he couldn’t really explain things. They knew already he wasn’t exactly comfortable around people he didn’t know. It wasn’t personal. It was just the way things were.

Alec walked to the parlor, sat down on the couch and closed his eyes. He left his head fall forward and then lifted it again slowly. He inhaled deeply and opened his eyes slowly.

There was nothing but darkness in front of him. Not like he could miraculously have a glimpse of light or anything, but still. Things had been changing so much lately that one could have the right to dream, huh? Well, not him. His dreams had brought along nightmares he’d never been able to discuss with anyone and dreams are for those who deserve it. Not him.

Alec snorted and curled up the corners of his mouth, shaking his head lightly.

He couldn’t expect things to be different when he hadn’t really changed. He’d just found common ground with Magnus. They were getting along just fine, he’d liked Catarina enough. Clary was okay, Jace seemed to like her quite a lot. Why would he want everything else to change?

Magnus would probably have laughed at him.

_You know, you don’t have to have eyesight to be able to see, Alexander._

He remembered the very first time he had met with Magnus, and how right he had been back then. Having Magnus around him had only been confirmation of that statement and that scared him more than anything else. However, now that he had actually had a taste of what that could be like, he wanted more. He wanted it all.

He had been able to see Lydia and had zero regrets about it. That was long overdue on his part and he was beyond grateful she hadn’t made a big thing out of it, although he could’ve sworn he’d left the house sobbing. He had been able to travel back in time and drink in the view of Lake Tahoe. This was the kind of thing he had no idea how to put into words. He had simply talked to Magnus about it. He’d told him about everything he remembered and perhaps he was a little scared of the day when he couldn’t remember colors or textures and he couldn’t voice it anymore. And then, Magnus had made a painting based on his words and had brought it to life and he’d been there with Magnus exploring that memory wholeheartedly. And now, he had an image of his caretaker in his mind, an idea of what he looked like after a few days wondering. He had committed Magnus’ features to memory, and his fingertips still tingled from the feeling of touching Magnus’ skin. It had definitely been different than touching his arm or shoulder when he was guiding him. He had always felt the muscles under Magnus’ clothes when he had held onto his forearm, and he’d known Magnus was strong although not exactly bulky. His face, however, was soft and he could still feel as if electricity had run through his fingertips. It felt so different from Lydia’s and even Jace’s and after that week he had reasons to make the comparison.

Alec had never allowed anyone as close as he had allowed Magnus. It had taken him three years to touch Lydia’s face and she held more than one secret about him. She had read his file, she knew everything that had happened at the accident, and although she had always been pushy about him being back on his feet—and he was incredibly grateful for it—she had always protected him.

Apart from Izzy and Jace, he’d never dared touch anyone. Magnus must’ve really gotten under his skin, and yet, he didn’t have anything to complain about. He could appreciate the company right now and he was certain he would never go back to not having paint around. He wanted Magnus to continue painting in the brownstone. It was something, a feeling, the entrance to a place of light he didn’t want to shut down.

However, even though his life had been turned upside down, he admitted it wasn’t all bad. Thanks to Magnus, he had gotten to know new people—not that he had ever been a social person but still—it was good. Catarina had been amazing to have around and he was certain he’d see Clary more too.

Before Magnus, Alec had only wanted to be alone. No caretaker, no overprotective mom; he had just wanted to be on his own, survive each day. Now, he sort of missed the new smells around, the noise that came from having people in the same place as you, from having them move around and just be there. And perhaps what he missed the most was the fact that he had had to deal less and less with the people who would pity him or not let him be because he was now blind.

He had kind of panicked when Clary had shown up. He wanted to understand why he had felt like the person he needed was Magnus only. He had wanted him there with him and he’d called him, and he was sure he’d even yelled at him over the phone because he hadn’t known how to react. And Jace hadn’t been of any help. He’d just gone mute. Fuck! He needed to find out what that thunderbolt Magnus had mentioned was all about.

Alec sighed as he stood up, walking to the fridge. He took a bottle of water from it and decided to put on some miles on the treadmill. He had already missed his morning exercise and he knew he wasn’t going to fall asleep any time soon, so he changed his shoes and went downstairs to workout.

He had been running for a while when his iPhone pinged notifying him that he had received a new text from Izzy. He lowered his pace until he was walking and then he stopped. Alec took his phone from the holder by the dashboard and sat on the bench next to the treadmill and took a deep breath before listening to it, bracing himself for everything, from her acceptance to her rejection.

**Hey, Big Bro! Sorry for the late reply. You had Simon at ‘game night’ so we are in. Tomorrow, right? Love you too.**

The VoiceOver read the message for Alec who smiled nervously. He tried to steady his breathing and moved his hand through his hair. He had been restless all day. He’d been trying not to succumb to it but it wasn’t until Izzy answered his message that he could breathe properly. It took him a while to answer back, not knowing what to say that didn’t show him too eager or not interested enough.

**Tomorrow is great! Haven’t heard from you in days. How are you?**

He spoke to the phone and pressed the send button after it repeated the message.

Alec waited, he was apprehensive—no, he was afraid, very—, and so he waited. After a few minutes which he deemed an eternity, he picked up the phone and played with it a little. He still didn’t know what was going on, perhaps Izzy was mad at him because he didn’t go to the Hamptons house with the family to meet her doctor, as Magnus had called him. He scoffed. Of course, she must be mad, he thought. However, he still believed it was his right to have stayed at home. He still wasn’t comfortable meeting other people, and the past two days were proof of that.

It took some time for his sister to reply and Alec was already standing up, ready to go upstairs to try and force himself in bed when his phone buzzed again.

**Yeah, perfect! We go to press in 3 days and I’m stuck with this stupid article, and the photographer didn’t send me the stuff I needed and I’ve been chosen as Head Editor of the Fall’s Special Edition and I need to put a portfolio together, argh, so much to do!**

The VoiceOver was in the middle of the message when he received another one.

**PS: I can’t wait for you to meet Simon! I miss you, Alec! Good night!**

Alec rolled his eyes but smiled as he got a new message.

**PPS: A little bird told me you left your castle the other day. Love you! See you tomorrow!**

Alec wished he could feel annoyed by Izzy’s texts, just like he’d felt many other times before, but he just couldn’t. He sighed in relief. Being able to have a text from Izzy—albeit an automated one—gave him hope. Izzy would come to the house the next day; he’d make an effort to meet this Simon, and they would bond again. He’d already started regaining his relationship with Jace and he could start doing the same with Izzy. Game night and Simon was the key to do just that.

He remembered bringing people home on his own was a good thing. He would know If Izzy was happy and that would be worth everything. For now, he was going to count his blessings, if she and Jace had talked about him, then things were good.

Alec drank from his bottle before going up to his room. He had to stop overthinking things. He’d been giving big steps to be better. Things were good. He had to make his best to keep them good.

**I’m happy for you, Izzy.** **Congrats on your new position. Good night!**

After leaving his phone and watch on the nightstand, Alec went to the bathroom, freed himself from his sweaty clothes and got under the shower. He really wasn’t that tired and thought that falling asleep would still take him some time but maybe a shower could help him later.

Alec was lying on his bed with his back to the door’s way, his head buried deep on the pillow. He was thinking about everything; about how his life had been okay after the accident and before Magnus Bane came in the picture. He’d created his own routine and it had worked for him so far. It had been the way that he had wanted it to be until Magnus came to the brownstone with his mom.

There were things he still didn’t understand about how his life had been turned upside down. Things had been good and bad at the same time, which made him feel very confused.

_You just don’t give it up because you don’t understand it._

He remembered those words and the friend who’d said them to him and shook his head along with the invading thoughts. He turned quickly, searching for his phone on the nightstand next to him.

**< It is 00:28 a.m.>** He checked the time on his phone and sighed, sitting up on the bed and fixing the pillows behind his back. He leaned against the headboard, playing with his iPhone between his fingers. The phone buzzed and he almost dropped it from the surprise.

**< Message received-Magnus> **the VoiceOver announced.

**Hey, you up?** The device said and Alec was worried in a split second. There had to be something wrong if Magnus was writing to him at that time of the night, much more so because he’d left not so long ago. His heart started racing against his ribcage out of fear for what might have happened.

Alec unlocked his screen and tapped quickly on it to open the message, feeling something strange in his stomach.

“Hey, yes, I am,” Alec quickly said his answer and waited to hear the VoiceOver repeating his message back so he could press the send button as soon as possible.

**I hope I didn’t wake you up. I shouldn’t have texted you, anyway.**

**What’s wrong, Magnus?**

**Nothing is wrong, I just couldn’t sleep.**

**I might be not the best company but you know, you can talk to me.**

Alec sent the message and was unsure as to why he’d done it; however, if there was something the past few days had taught him, was that he could still be empathetic toward other people, and he figured he was able to do so because Magnus had become part of his daily routine by now.

Things had been different before and after Magnus. He had to acknowledge that and wasn’t going to complain about it. Or at least, he would try.

Alec let his head fall back to the headboard and sighed as he continued holding his phone in his hands. There was really no reason for Magnus not to be able to sleep and much less for him to be waiting for him and eager to know what was going on. Why had Magnus called him over not being able to sleep? However, it was true that he was there for him to talk to if Magnus wanted it.                      

He avoided checking the time. It was already past midnight, Magnus must have certainly been in bed already and well, he might as well try and get some sleep as well.

Alec waited for a while and was about to lie back down in bed and perhaps try to sleep when the phone buzzed again.

**< Message received-Magnus>**

**Alexander**

**Author's Note:**

> We hope you liked the first chapter of our story. Before you leave, don’t forget to let us know in the comments what you think of it, and leave Kudos if you want to!  
> Also, as we said in the Note at the beginning, you can tweet to us, letting us know your opinion by using #LLNWTE hashtag or just find us at: [Tweet to @malec_hun](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?screen_name=malec_hun&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw) and [Tweet to @margeari](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?screen_name=margeari&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)


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